Wishing you all an early happy new year! I hope your holiday season is going well.
There was a question about whether to expect a happy ending or a sad ending, and although it isn't written yet, I'm expecting somewhere in between. Thank you all by the way for your detailed reviews! It fills my chest with all sorts of writerly butterflies to hear you speculating and opining and wondering about things. C:
There is an itsy bitsy possible tw: suicide about 3/4 of the way through, so a quick heads up for that.
I don't own Death Note.
These midnight encounters were becoming a regularly scheduled time for saying what could not be said in front of Watari. At first, Light had hoped that L was planning on telling him what Watari had been pointing at in the limo, but he was in for something far more incredible.
"Yagami Light," L was saying, voice tighter than usual, "are you fully awake? You're going to want to have all your concentration for this."
Light had just been woken up from the beginnings of a nightmare about being in a plane crash, so he was still a bit fuzzy, but he just said, "Go ahead. I'm ready."
"I have a bet for you."
This sounded a bit underwhelming. "Uh, okay. What's the bet?"
"I propose that you give up your memories of being Kira."
Light laughed, despite himself. "Do you really?"
"Yes."
"And why on earth would I do that?"
"Because if you still want to be Kira after giving up your memories, then I promise to join you as Kira immediately, and I promise to take over as Kira once you die."
Light was no longer fuzzy.
"I'll even give up half of my lifespan in exchange for the shinigami eyes if that suits you. But if you no longer want to be Kira after giving up your memories, then you will permanently discard your memories, I will destroy the Death Note in our possession, and you will join me in tracking down and destroying any remaining Death Notes."
There was a long silence, and then Light said, "You're shitting me."
"I assure you that I am not."
Light hadn't even had the chance to become radiated and hairless or seizing and beautiful. He had never imagined that L would agree to be Kira without being fully convinced of the justice of it all. "So," Light said slowly, "you are betting that I will not want to be Kira without my memories, and I am betting that I will, and what is on the line is being Kira."
"Double or nothing."
What were the downsides of accepting such a bet? Certainly a lot was on the line, but a lot was always on the line. At least things would be decided once and for all. If Light won the bet, Kira's line would be continued through the best possible mind, and Light would even have up to six full months to train L in his footsteps.
The biggest problem was that Light knew that he could act like a lovestruck moron without the memories. But that was just because he was confused. Without the memories, he hadn't considered Kira's side of the story fully, so he didn't understand. But he could understand, if he tried hard enough. "Could I write myself a letter so that Kira could make his appeal?"
"Of course. It would only be fair."
What were the other downsides? Perhaps L would feel coerced into being Kira, and so would not perform at his best. Perhaps he would make mistakes, driven by his subconscious reluctance, that would compromise the legitimacy of Kira's reign. Perhaps he would even go back on his promise, and go rogue.
No, L would not do that. He was loyal to a fault, when he invested his loyalty, and he would sooner die than betray such a promise to the one person he loved the most.
"I don't want you to take the shinigami eyes," Light said, without quite realizing it.
L was clearly surprised. "You don't?" He hummed. "I had thought for sure that that would be a selling point."
Light shook his head. "If you're going to be Kira, we can't have you dying twice as early as you are supposed to. We need you alive and well."
L reflected on this for several staticky moments, and then he said, slowly, "I understand. Yes, that makes sense."
"If anyone needs the shinigami eyes at any point, I'll take them. What's the difference between three months and six months at this point?"
"Hey." L's voice was sharp. "It makes a difference to me."
Impossible. Even in the midst of such a conversation, L's love still shone through, bright and clear, for Light, independent of Kira altogether.
"Does this mean you accept the bet?"
Light would need to write himself a letter first, and he would need to wait for Ryuk to get back, to make sure that the plan had been executed properly, but he didn't see any reason that this couldn't work.
His heart picked up. It was happening. L was going to be Kira with him. Finally, they were going to be truly together, united in glorious purpose, reigning as one unit, living as one flesh. He ached unexpectedly at the thought.
"I will," Light choked out. "Not right now. I need some time first. But I will. I swear I will. God, L—"
"Hyuk hyuk hyuk."
Speak of the devil.
"I should've known that the second I got back, you would change the plan on me again. Do you even want this still?" Ryuk shifted from out of the shadows, looking as horrifying as ever, and holding out a Death Note. It took everything Light had in him not to take it immediately, but as long as Ryuk was holding the Death Note, L couldn't see it. Everything was coming together just as it was supposed to, just as it inevitably always would. Kira was justice, and justice would always prevail.
"I don't know if you've seen the news, but Misa did exactly what you told me to tell her to do. I came back to find you right after they announced it. Everyone is completely losing it. They're showing it on all the public news screens."
Could this have been what L and Watari had seen out the limo window? Was this why L was making this bet? What could the broadcasts have possibly said to change his mind?
"I wish you could see it, Light. When is L going to let you out? Once you do this bet with him? Is he really going to be Kira with you?"
L would explain this to him afterwards. All that mattered now was that the second Death Note was here, and Kira was ready to be resurrected. Now all that was missing was the second Kira—not Misa, but the true Second Kira. Kira Redux.
"Will you give me paper and a pen?" Light asked. "Good paper, and a good pen?" When was the last time he had really written, filling a creamy, smooth leaf with crisp, wet strokes of kanji? He shivered. L would know this joy soon. L would be Kira, and he would understand.
L was surprised, but he said, "Certainly. Would you like to begin the letter now? I thought you had wanted some time to think."
"I just need time for the letter. That's all the time I need. Then we can call Rem to my cell, and we can begin."
Light's life was ending, but Kira's had just begun.
They had to wait until the next night to officially make the bet, because they were doing this behind Watari's back. Light didn't know what would happen to Watari when L became Kira. Surely Watari would not allow it, so either he would have to be removed, or they would have to remove themselves from him. Watari would think Light had coerced L into doing it. He would never believe that L would be Kira of his own volition. They would probably have to kill him. Hopefully L knew Watari's true name, and hopefully it wouldn't be long before his convictions as Kira outweighed his childish attachments.
Light faked sleep for two hours, not wanting to be foggy from a nightmare, and then L's voice came over the intercom, saying, "He's asleep."
Light stood smoothly, immediately alert. "You're sure?"
"I still had some sleep aids from years ago, and I poured a whole bottle in his coffee pot a couple hours ago."
Light's eyebrows rose. "A whole bottle? Wouldn't he have tasted it?"
"Of course. But he also would have swallowed one mouthful and one little sip before pouring the whole pot out. But that mouthful and sip should be enough to make him sleep more soundly than usual, which is all we need."
"Hm." Maybe L's loyalty to Watari was already thinning.
"Are you ready?"
"Yes. I need you to go downstairs and bring Rem and her Death Note back. You can hold onto the Death Note, and you can send Rem into my room. I'll tell her that I want to give up my memories, but that I want her to stick around for when I want to be Kira again. Then I'll give up my memories, read my letter to myself, and decide to keep the memories. You'll bring the Death Note to me, and I'll have my memories back, and we'll be Kira together."
"Hyuk hyuk hyuk."
Ryuk, of course, was still around, and he would give his extra Death Note to Light. When Light gave up possession of his memories and his Death Note, ownership of Rem's Death Note would go to L, as long as he was touching it. Ryuk would be able to write Light's name in his Death Note at the end of his life, and Rem would be able to write L's name in her Death Note at the end of his life. No. After Light died, L would take ownership of both Rem's Death Note and Ryuk's Death Note. That way neither shinigami could kill him before he was ready. Kira's line would not be discontinued prematurely.
"And if you decide not to be Kira anymore?"
"Then you can keep the notebook and destroy it, and Rem will leave, and all my memories of being Kira will be gone, and I will help you to erase Kira's name forever."
L was silent for a moment. "You know that Kira's name will not be forgotten. Not for a thousand years at least."
Light shrugged. "If we are not Kira, Kira's name will be forgotten one day. But if we are Kira, Kira's name will never be forgotten because his reign will never end."
The static hung in the air for several moments. "I will get the notebook and the shinigami, and then we will begin." The static cut out for a few minutes, in which Light stared steadily at his clasped hands, and then L was back. "The shinigami is coming to you. She disappeared through the floor and— Oh."
Rem was floating down through the ceiling, passing right in front of the main camera.
Light nodded to her. "Rem."
She eyed him with dislike. "Light."
"Did L explain to you what we're doing?"
"Yes. You're giving up your ownership of my Death Note."
"He's giving up his memories," L clarified.
"That's the same thing. Losing your memories is only a side effect of losing your ownership."
"Hm."
"Only temporarily," Light cut in. "You can't leave afterwards. Remember, L has your Death Note."
She looked expressionlessly irritated. "I understand. Alright. Go ahead."
Light's heart beat strong and confident. This would work. He took his letter out from where he had slipped it under his pillow, and he laid it on top of the cot. "Oh," he said suddenly. "Do you think I'll seize?"
"I don't know," L said.
There was a moment of surprised silence at the fact that somehow neither of them had considered this. "Well," Light said, sitting down. "Just in case." He took a deep breath, chest unexpectedly tight. "Okay. Here we go. Rem, I give up my ownership of your Death Note."
"Hyuk hyuk hyuk."
He absolutely screamed.
"Huh? Light?"
"Shit," Light ground out, scrabbling backwards, sweat breaking out at his temples. "How do you know my name?"
"Light, what's gotten into you? It's me!"
"Light-kun—" It was L's voice.
"RYUZAKI," Light screamed. "GET IT OUT."
"Ryuzaki?" L echoed, apparently more surprised at this than the sight of a demon in Light's cell. Was L seeing this? Or had the brain cancer pushed him over the edge into hallucinations? "Light-kun, this is just Rem. Don't you—? Oh. I suppose you don't. Huh?" There was a pause, in which Light continued breathing heavily, and the demon loomed, still, grinning angrily. "Who is Ryuk? Rem, are you not the only shinigami in this room?"
"Rem?" Light demanded breathily. "Ryuzaki, who are you talking to?"
"Ohhh," the demon said, and it cackled. "You can't see Rem and you can't remember me because you gave up your memories, and L can't see me because he hasn't touched my Death Note. Don't worry, Light. I won't hurt you."
"Memories?" Something clicked, and he looked down at his wrist. His watch was gone. He was in a prison cell with L's voice and a demon. He knew L had put him in here. He knew L had speculated that he had been losing his memories inorganically. He knew that L was almost certain he had been Kira. But why did he know so little else about however much time had elapsed since the watch? "Ryuzaki, I think I lost more of my memories."
"You gave them up," the demon said.
Why would he do that? Unless—? Light went cold. "Am I—am I Kira?"
"You were," L said.
"And now?"
"Read the letter."
Light spun around, looking, until he saw the paper at the foot of the bed. He picked it up, and saw that it was covered in his own handwriting. "I wrote this?"
Softly, L said, "Yes."
Light vaguely remembered being up late last night, working on something, but he couldn't remember anything he had written down. He read the letter with fresh eyes.
Yagami Light,
You won't remember this right now, so I am going to remind you what happened to bring you to this point. On November 23 of last year, you were sitting in class, looking out the window, bored out of your mind, just like every other previous day. Then you saw a black notebook fall from the sky. After school, you went out and picked it up. On the front it said Death Note, and on the interior, there were instructions for how to write someone's name in the book to kill them. You thought it was a sick joke. You almost left it behind. But you kept it with you, so that no one else would be taken in by it, and because you were bored.
You went home. You knew it was just a sick joke. But maybe it wasn't. You decided you would have to test it out. But you didn't want to hurt anyone you knew personally, and you wanted to make sure you could see the results immediately. You were very careful about it all. You found a criminal on TV, a criminal who was holding children hostage—children!—and you wrote his name in the Death Note. Forty seconds later, he died of a heart attack. The children were all saved. But you didn't get swept away. You had only conducted one trial. It could have been a coincidence. You went into the city, a hotbed of evil. A man was trying to rape a girl, right in the middle of the sidewalk. Shameless. Imagine what he would do behind closed doors. You wrote his name in the Death Note, and this time you specified how he would die, to make sure it couldn't be a coincidence. It happened just as you wrote it down. The girl was saved. This man would never violate anyone ever again.
You knew you had in your possession a great power. The power to kill. You had three options: you could abandon it, you could destroy it, or you could use it. But you couldn't abandon it. Men like the ones you had killed could find it and use it for evil. You could destroy it, but then the world would stay as it was, steeping in its own filth. Or you could use it—for good. You would kill criminals, and protect the innocent. You were planning on being in the police force anyways. Why wait to start protecting people? Innocent people were being murdered and violated and wronged every day. You were frightened by the prospect of having so much power. But someone had to do it, and who else other than you could handle the burden? You were willing to give up your whole life to protect the world. But it wouldn't stop at protecting. That was where the police force went wrong. Their goals were too small, unlike yours. You would cleanse the world of evil, and create a new world, where all people were good to one another. And you would lead this new world, as a god, with exceptional power—not just the Death Note, but yourself, your innate powers that make you fit to lead above anyone else.
This new world is coming, and it is coming soon. L will join you, if you decide you want to pick up the burden once again and continue your work. All you have to do is accept it. Tell L that you want to continue being Kira, and that you want to do it with him. He will agree. And together you will bring the world into a new era.
Yagami Light
Light read the letter three times, and then held to it with shaking fingers. He lifted his face, mouth trembling, and asked, "How many—?"
L understood, and sighed. "You know how many. You looked at the data."
Light swallowed. "Thousands."
L let the number hang in the air.
"You were only slightly responsible for the deaths of three people, and you have nightmares every night."
"I've sent dozens of people to be executed, and you had nightmares at first."
"I did?"
"Yes. You told me about it in the limo."
Light stared down at the letter silently. The handwriting was beautiful, without a quaver in sight. "What does it say about me that the nightmares stopped?"
L did not attempt an answer.
"What—?" Light's voice broke, and he felt like a child. He cleared his throat. "What do I do now?"
"Now you decide whether you would like to continue being Kira."
"Think about it," the demon urged, through his grinning maw. "Think about how bored you were before. Isn't this the first time you've had fun?"
Light retched over the side of the bed.
"Yuck," the demon said.
There was a cold touch on his elbow, and Light looked up to see another demon looming over him, its whole body made of bleached bones. He shuddered away, falling back into his pillow, unable to speak or even breathe.
"Light," the bleached demon said, moving one outstretched spiny finger away from him, "you told me that I couldn't leave after you gave up your memories, because L has my Death Note. Are you planning on taking it back from him?"
"No!" the grinning demon protested. "I'm giving him my Death Note. Shove off."
"Don't give it to me!" Light cried, recoiling.
"What?"
"I don't want it!" He was shaking and close to tears. "I don't want any of this!"
The grinning demon coughed a single laugh. "Of course you do."
"I don't, dammit! Leave me alone!"
The demon's mouth was still grinning, but the rest of him was scowling. "You promised me, Light. Don't you know that I'm bored too?"
"Light-kun." L's voice was gentle and prodding. "Do you still remember the bet we made?"
"Bet?"
"You agreed to give up your memories of being Kira, and if you still want to be Kira afterwards, I will join you as Kira, but if you no longer want to be Kira, then you will join me against Kira."
Light shuddered at the thought of L being Kira, at the thought of them being Kira together, murdering thousands together, going to sleep beside one another with the knowledge of what they were doing, fucking with the knowledge of— He retched again, emptily.
L saw, of course. "So far, I am under the impression that I have won the bet, and that you no longer wish to be Kira."
"Light," the demon practically whined, baring his jagged teeth, "your boyfriend is messing with your mind. Where's the Light that I know? I thought you wanted to be the God of the New World."
"There must have been something wrong with me," Light murmured. "Maybe it was the brain cancer. There's no way I would ever—I couldn't—there must have been—"
"You knew what you were doing," L said, soberly. "I don't wish to cause you any additional psychological pain, but it is important for you to know that it is possible for you to choose to be Kira again, rationally, because you chose it once."
Light grimaced. "How could you say that? I thought you didn't want me to be Kira."
"I don't, but if I don't let you choose properly, that would be cheating. I want to win fairly."
The demons were waiting. Shinigami, L had said. Gods of death. This was what Light had wanted to be, under another name. The God of a New World. Killer.
"I know," Light said, softly. "I read the letter. I know I could choose to be Kira, of my own free will. That's what frightens me the most."
And he scooted down on the bed, gathered up the bedclothes, and pulled them tight around himself. The grinning demon was furious. He spat abuse at the lump in the bed, stormed around, and then whooshed,and his voice cut out. The static of L's microphone cut off, and when L's voice returned, it was to say, "The shinigami Ryuk has tried to convince me to become Kira, and he had in fact forced his Death Note upon me. I am currently in possession of both Death Notes. Would you like me to destroy them now? Do you think there is any risk of them killing me out of spite? Though I suppose it wouldn't matter terribly at this point. Nevertheless, I will hold onto them for now. Since you have decided not to be Kira, I will consult with Watari in the morning regarding our next course of action. To be perfectly honest, this is not a conversation I am looking forward to. Nevertheless, I will tell you what he says."
If all went as Light was currently planning, by the time the following morning rolled around, all the oxygen would have been used up under the covers, and Light would not have the chance to be told anything ever again.
L's voice was at the door the following morning.
"Here is your breakfast, Light-kun. Watari is still sleeping, so I hope it is satisfactory. Your prochlorperazine is in the little silver cup. Please take it. You remember what happened the last time you didn't take it.
"At least, I think you remember. It's alright if you don't remember. You threw up, is what happened. It's important to take the prochlorperazine, even if it gives you nightmares.
"I know you had a lot of nightmares last night, and I'm sorry about that. They seemed worse than your usual prochlorperazine nightmares. I suppose that's to be expected.
"Please eat, Light-kun. I'll tell you how the conversation with Watari goes, once he wakes up."
"Here is your lunch, Light-kun. I see you didn't eat your breakfast or take your prochlorperazine. It's not too late for either of them. The fruit and biscuits should still be good, though probably not the coffee. And the coffee was perhaps not ever good, because I made it myself.
"Watari was… Well, he was upset, of course, but he was not nearly as mad as I would have expected. He's mostly concerned about you. He says I should have done the bet without the shinigami in the room, so you wouldn't be as frightened. He's right, I suppose. I apologize for startling you with the shinigami.
"Watari doesn't want you out of your cell yet, even though you are no longer Kira. With the shinigami and the Death Notes still in the building, he thought it would be too dangerous to let you out. And I agree with him. I'm sure he'll reconsider once we destroy the Death Notes.
"Do you want to do that now? I don't want to destroy them without your consent. I… I believe I won the bet, but it is difficult to know for certain when you are not speaking.
"And, Light-kun— Well, I… I don't mean to invade your privacy, but you really should use the restroom soon. You must need to. You haven't in over sixteen hours.
"Please take your prochlorperazine. And if you need anything, Watari and I are always ready to help you. We understand that this must be quite a shock. Please take care of yourself. We're only trying to do the same."
Light almost made it to dinner. At ten past five, L heard the violent vomiting and saw the lump still firmly under the covers, and he was in the cell in less than a minute. By the time L managed to wrestle Light out of bed, the sheets and Light's pants were both soiled, and he was weeping terribly. L dragged Light over to the toilet to finish vomiting, after which the toilet was no longer needed. Light was brought into the shower wearing all of his clothes, which were slowly pulled off, with neither help nor resistance on Light's part. No eye contact was made, no words were exchanged, and L spoke only when necessary.
Watari had made his way through the cell while L and Light had been in the shower. He had gathered up Light's clothes and bedclothes, mopped up the floor and made the bed, and left dinners and real clothes at the foot of Light's bed. L put on a dry set of clothes, his usual white shirt and jeans, and then dressed Light in a sweater and corduroys. Light's time as L's prisoner was slowly coming to a close.
Light disappeared under the covers the moment they reached the bed. He would not eat or drink, even when L tried to feed him, and he would not take his prochlorperazine. L ate his dinner at the foot of the bed, and then he scooted closer, crouched next to Light's legs, and he set one hand on the lump and talked softly about his day. He was working on a case for Deneuve. The job was still open for Light to take. Watari had baked a cake. L hadn't slept last night, so he was tired. It was a good thing that Watari had gotten so much sleep last night, so that L could try to sleep tonight. Then L fell silent for a little while.
"Do you know why I made the bet when I did?" he asked softly. Light did not stir. "It was because of what Watari and I saw on our way back from the oncologist. There was a traffic jam because of what everyone was seeing on the news screens. Someone had made an announcement on Kira's behalf. I'm sure that someone was Misa. We have surveillance on her apartment, but she must have been careful and worked somewhere else. I'm sure you know what the announcement was, because I'm sure you were the genuine Kira who sent it. You must have communicated with her somehow, perhaps through a shinigami. Perhaps through the shinigami Ryuk. I would love to hear one day how you did it. How you did it all, really. Though I suppose even you don't really know anymore, and perhaps you don't want to think about it.
"Anyway, the announcement had been made earlier in the day, and they were now showing the responses of significant figures to the announcement. When Watari stopped the car, it was because the pope was saying in an interview that he believed that God was using Kira to carry out divine punishment. I caught myself starting to believe it too, just for a moment. I came to myself at once, but the seed was planted. Perhaps you were right. Perhaps Kira was just. I decided that the way to find out would be to ask you, unswayed by the perspective of being Kira. I trusted you to make the right decision. Perhaps I trusted you too much. I don't know. I do think you made the right decision, and I'm sure Watari thinks the same. He's become very sympathetic towards you, you know."
There was a long pause, and then L's thumb began moving in slow circles. "I love you. Do you know that? You said I didn't tell you enough, so here I am saying it. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, with your identity flipping every chance it gets, but if it's any reassurance, your identity has been the same since the day I set eyes on you. Have you heard that people form impressions of one another in the first tenth of a second? From the very beginning, I knew that you were Kira, and I knew that you were brilliant, and I knew that I wanted to spend more time with you. You will always have been Kira, but now you are not, and now you are a brilliant man who I want to spend time with and who I love dearly. I wanted to tell you, in case you had forgotten. I still think your ego doesn't need any more boosting with praises and love confessions, but I suppose I can make an exception this once."
L fell silent, and the thumb went still, and then Light felt the faint pressure of a kiss through many layers against his right hipbone.
L went back upstairs a few minutes later, and Light did not take his prochlorperazine.