Trigger warning for mild hint of torture/rape.

Deeks, still in disbelief that she was actually alive and in his breathing space, couldn't take his eyes off of his partner. Kensi rarely made eye contact with anyone, sitting next to him with her arms crossed and her head against his shoulder the majority of the flight back to the United States. He was amazed by the fact that she was able to sleep at all. The painkillers that were given to her by the medics must have helped a lot, he rationalized. But sleep didn't come easily to him on that flight, much like it didn't come easily to him after his own torture.

The first time on that flight that Deeks fell asleep, he dreamed that he found Kensi in a cave with her throat slit, clothes and hair soaked with all the blood that was in her body. Waking suddenly, he remembered that it was only a picture, a fake picture. She was still next to him, asleep. The sight and smell and sounds of her calmed him down again, and he drifted back to sleep.

The next dream was more vivid; he was tied to a chair with a towel over his face. He knew what was coming and he couldn't stop it no matter how hard he kicked and screamed. And when the towel was removed, he saw himself holding the bucket of water. It took him two hours of darkness and the quiet lull of the plane to fall back asleep.

His last dream was a true nightmare. He was strapped to a chair again, but Kensi was with him. They were back in the desert, and men that he didn't know were there with guns pointed at them. Kensi was on the floor and they were kicking her, and they cut her, and they ripped her clothes off and he screamed and screamed but couldn't do anything to stop them.

The nightmare wasn't real, but his screams were. A pair of large hands gruffly shook him, causing him to awaken with a start, gasping for air. Sam was holding him, a concerned look on his weary face. Kensi had fallen against the window but somehow was still sleeping. Deeks flew out of his chair, pushing Sam out of the way. He closed himself in the bathroom and proceeded to throw up everything he'd eaten at the Mess before leaving Afghanistan. There would be no more sleeping for him that night.

Deeks manages to force himself to forget his dreams and go through the motions of being okay; he does this for the rest of the flight back to the United States, then the connecting shorter flight to LAX, then the drive from the Mission back to her apartment where they're standing now. Kensi is somewhat lucid for the first time since the prisoner exchange, though she still holds her arms close to her body as if she'll never warm up. He's standing with his hands in his pockets again, even though he's desperate to pull her into his arms and never let go.

Neither of them know what to say. Very few words were spoken between them in the last day aside from an occasional "it's okay", "we're almost there", or "you're safe." Deeks doesn't have the right words to say, even though he thinks that he of all people should. The urge to run and hide from all of this is almost as strong as his urge to hold her again. But he knows he has to be strong this time, for her. Kensi is broken, and there is no quick fix.

Clearing his throat, Deeks breaks the silence. "Do you, um, want some food? There's nothing in the fridge, but I bet there's a ding dong or something in the pantry..." He trails off when she shakes her head no. She's just standing there, and he doesn't know what to do or what to say in this moment. He's been there, and knows nothing besides time will dull the pain. But the silence is deafening and he can't take it anymore.

"Is this what it felt like?" He blurts out, finally taking his eyes off of her to stare at something, anything so he can't see the pain in her eyes. He focuses on the sombrero that he always wanted to ask about, but never has and now probably never will.

"What?" Kensi asks softly.

"This. Me. Is this what it felt like?" Deek bites his bottom lip, forcing the tears that had been threatening to escape for hours back down. "When you found me."

Deeks forces himself to look at her again, to let her see that she's not alone in her suffering. Kensi face crumples and her lip shakes and he can't stop himself from pulling her to him again. "I'm sorry," he whispers in her ear. "I should have been there. I should have done something to keep this from happening."

Kensi shakes her head and pulls away slightly, finally looking at his face. "This isn't your fault. It's never been your fault."

"Okay," he says, shrugging. "Well, I'm here now. For...whatever you need. I'm here." Deeks is afraid to ask her if she wants to talk about what happened to her. Truthfully, he doesn't think he can bear to hear it.

Laying her head against his chest, Kensi asks a simple request. "Stay with me tonight?"

"Of course," Deeks answers, kissing her hair so softly that he doesn't even think she notices. He tightens his arms around her, reliving the words that she has just said to him. He's made that request himself to her twice in the past. The first time was the night she broke through to him after his own torture, and he finally let her in and was able to sleep for the first time in weeks. The second time they were tangled in each others arms, staring in amazement at each other because of the experience they'd just shared together.

They have somehow come full circle, but with the roles reversed. Deeks was happy that so far, she hasn't pushed him away like he did to her. She has always been the stronger of the pair, and is going to face her demons head on instead of hiding from them. When Kensi wraps her arms around his waist and squeezes, he can feel her heart beating and hear her breathing and he knows that at this point in time, that's all he needs to be able to go forward. Finally giving in, he closes his eyes and lets his tears fall. He knows he's not strong enough to take on this battle for the both of them; but he's sure as hell going to try.