So, here you have chapter 2! Chapter 3 is finished, and will be put up as soon as I'm done writing chapter 4. That's how I'm going to do this!
Well, I hope you like this. I'm overwhelmed by the response to this fic! I've never gotten so many reviews this fast! PLEASE keep them coming! I'm loving them!
Chapter 2:
When we reach lunch, I'm already totally mentally exhausted. When the bell finally ended the history class, Damon and I were more than ready to tell everyone about the second world war. This guy was a genius! But he was also getting way too close for my liking.
Fortunately he wasn't in my physics class, which made me relax a lot more than I should have. The teacher asked me to stop zoning out at least three times during the class. But I really didn't care at that point. Why should I? Of course I was going to graduate. No need to stress anything.
I'm rushing down the halls, my books in my arms, ready to be put in my locker. I'm not spending the lunch break actually eating lunch. Why should I? No, I'm spending the lunch break in the girl's bathroom, with the only thing that can make me relax again. That beautiful silver blade lying in the little black box in my school bag.
I'm in such a rush, that I don't even notice the guy standing next to my locker. Great. I knew it was too good to be true.
I try to make my self as invisible as possible, as I open the locker and put in my books. He isn't talking to me, which is making me sigh with relief. Maybe he already know about all of the rumors. Maybe he's already disgusted with me, and doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Great!
With a smile on my lips, I retrieve the small box from my bag and slam my locker shut. Before Damon can say anything, I'm almost running down the hall, eager to reach the toilets. God, I can't wait! I need to feel the relief, the pain. I need it. Desperately.
I can hear him shouting my name, but I'm far too gone for him to actually catch up with me. As I go inside a stall and locks the door, I let out a happy sigh. I made it. I'm safe.
I sink down to the floor, as I open the lid of the black box and looks at the shiny blade. It's beautiful. I can't help but love it. I pick it up, and looks at it for a bit. This is my way out. My way of surviving these years. This is the only reason I'm holding on. I know my mom would be disappointed with me, if she could see how I am doing right now. She would scream at me, yell at me, tell me everything I should be doing.
I actually smile at the thought. Not because I liked when my mother yelled at me. No, because I like the thought of her. I like to think of her, her beautiful brown hair, those beautiful brown eyes, so filled with love. The way she would stroke my hair, as we watched a movie. The way she would tell me she loved me, every single night, before I went to bed.
I miss my mom. Not just because of what has happened to our family since her death. No, because she was my mom. She is my mom. And I love her, even though she's a better place now. And some day, some wonderful day, I'm going to join her. But I know that day isn't now. Because I can't leave Jeremy with my step-dad. I can't.
Closing my eyes, I feel the blade on the skin of my arm. Subconsciously I've pulled up my sleeve, ready to add a new scar to the collection.
My arms look terrible. I know most of the scars will never disappear. And I know I never should have put the blade to my arm that night. If I hadn't, I might have been able to wear t-shirts and tanktops now. But I can't. Because even though I don't care what anyone at the school thinks, I do care what Jeremy and my step-dad thinks. Jeremy should never know anything about cutting. What if he actually want to start him self? And I have no idea how John would punish me. I've had enough of his punishments to know I don't want another one.
That's why I always wear those big sweatshirts. They hide my scars, so nobody will know. Because anyone could tell Jeremy. And I do not want to risk that.
My head lolls back as the blade makes a deep cut in my arm. I let out a sigh in pleasure, and let my body slump back against the wall. This is what makes me able to go through the day. This is what I love.
To be honest, I have no idea for how long I sit there, just enjoying the flow of the blood from my arm. I know that when the bell rings, I'm surprised. I'm quick to clean my self up. I've tried this more than just once. And within three minutes, I'm all cleared up, and ready to go to class, as if nothing had happened. And that's exactly what I do. I put on a fake smile, and goes to class. Nobody will suspect a thing. Why would they? That would mean they cared about me, and why should they? Of course they don't care about me. And the lunch break has finally been here. Damon won't talk to me, and everything can return to normal once again. I don't need to worry about him anymore.
"Elena! Elena, would you mind helping me?"
I can't believe my ears, as his velvety voice reaches them. He's calling for me. I turn around, while narrowing my eyes. But there he is, a smile printed on his lips, as he runs closer to me. He's holding papers in his hands. He's lost, again? The school's not that big!
"What do you need, Damon?" I ask, rolling my eyes, as he reaches my side.
"Room E17... Seriously, I'm so lost. Would you mind showing me where the class is?" he asks, smiling innocently at me. Why is he even talking to me? He was supposed to hate me, to be disgusted by me now. That's what happens when you hear the rumors. You believe them, and you keep your distance. But this boy won't. God, it's annoying!
"Here, you just go down that hall, until you see the room. Shouldn't be too far," I say, pointing down a hallway. He smiles at me, then grabs my hand and kisses my palm.
"Thank you, miss Elena. It is very kind for a lady like you to help a lost man, like my self. I will see you later," he says, and then he's gone. I shake my head in confusion, before walking down the hall to my own class. Why does he keep on talking to me? What the hell is going on?
When the day is finally over, I don't bother waiting for Jeremy. I know he doesn't need to be picked up. And he knows that I have to work.
This is one of the many things John doesn't know anything about. He thinks I'm doing some sort of extra credit stuff after school, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. But of course I'm not.
Two years ago, I got a job down at the local grill, as a waitress. I knew I was going to need the money, for when I'm finally on my way out of this town. Which is why I try to put in as many hours as possible. Not only am I going to need money for the road. I'm also going to need money for the apartment, for college and for everything else I'm going to need.
I have a great starter. My mom left me a lot of money, which I have been able to actually hide from John. He doesn't know a single thing about them. But the money won't be enough to last for four years. And also, I want to make my own money. I want to be able to take care of my self. Not be dependent on someone else.
And with the money I'm making, I actually think I will be able to afford living alone. I will be able to pay my dues, to live in an apartment by my self, to go to college. I will be able to actually get away.
And when Jeremy is old enough, I'll be able to take care of him. I will be able to safe him from John, to give him the life he has always deserved.
Everything is going to be just fine, as soon as I can get away.
"Elena, may I speak to you for a minute?"
The Grill has been almost empty for most of the afternoon. There hasn't been much work to do, which has resulted in me sitting behind the bar, writing on my notepad. Of course I can't stop writing. Whenever I have a break, I spend it writing. And I love it.
I've created my own universe. A universe where I'm able to control everything. Where there's no evil step-father, where love is stronger than anything else.
A universe where my mother and father is still alive. Yeah, I know, it's totally cliché. But I can't help it. It's what keeps me going.
Reluctantly I get up, puts away my notepad and follows my boss into his office. I wonder what he wants to speak to me about. I haven't done anything wrong. I've worked hard, and every costumer seems to be happy with me. So, what does he wants to speak to me about?
"Elena, do you know why I called you in here?" he asks, as I sit down in the comfortable chair in front of his desk. I shake my head, expecting the worst. I can't afford being fired, and I can't afford going down in payment. Then I won't be able to afford college, and then I won't be able to afford going away from John.
"You have been the best employee here, for a long time. And I haven't really awarded you for that. Not in the way that you deserve. So, I'm giving you a raise. A big one, actually. And if you want, you can have more shifts. I'm not sure if you want to work after school, at night, in the mornings. Any shift you want, you can have it. I'm serious, you deserve it. You've been loyal and faithful, ever since you started working here, and you deserve to be rewarded."
I can't believe my ears. He's giving me a raise!
"Thank you, sir, thank you so much! I'm serious. Really, thank you!" I say, not sure how I can thank him enough. As the rest of the towns people, he doesn't know anything about my life at home. He doesn't know that I want to escape from Mystic Falls, but he knows that I need the money. And I'm thankful for this.
"Elena, Elena, hey! Relax. I'm serious about this. You deserve it. And how many times has I told you to call me Matt?" he says, smiling at me. I can't help but smile back at him and I almost lean in for a hug. But then I remember. He's my boss, I'm his employee, and there's boundaries. Boundaries I can't overstep. I can't afford to overstep them.
Sure, Matt and I could be great together. He's 20, not that much older than me. And sure, I would be happy with him. We would have a great life. He's a sweet guy, he has money, and I know for a fact that he cares for me.
But I can't let him in. When you let people in, you get crushed. Either they leave you, or they use their knowledge against you. And I can't have someone leave me again. No, I need to keep my self closed off, with a smile on my lips. Then I won't be broken. I won't be ruined.
As I reach for the door knob, Matt talks to me again.
"Elena?" I look at him, still with a big smile plastered on my lips, "you know you can talk to me, right? I'm here if you need it."
I feel my body stiffen a bit, but I refuse to let my smile falter. Then he'll know something's wrong. And he can't know that.
"I'm great, Matt. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me," I say, and then walks out the door. No way I'm ready for him trying to make me spill. Because of course I want to let him in. I trust him like no other, because he has been there for me ever since I was a kid. But I can't let him in. I just can't.
When I return to home later that night, I'm exhausted. I have grown far too comfortable during the summer holidays, doing nothing at all, except going to my favorite spot in all of Mystic Falls; The Falls.
I know, I know, it's really cliché and sappy. But I love The Falls. And since I haven't been able to go to school during the summer, I have spent my time there. Surprisingly enough, there aren't many people visiting The Falls. You should think there would be, since it's one of the main attractions in Mystic Falls, but I have never seen another soul down there. Which is why I love it.
I can be alone. Often, I bring my notebook with me, get comfortable somewhere along the coast of the lake, and then I just write. Most of my novel was written down there, actually. Because I can be my self. The only company I've got, is the fish. And they don't really talk to me, or anything. No, they're just there, listening when I go mad, and want to get some of the thoughts in my head out.
Also, I have lost count of how many times I've gone skinny dipping in that lake. Why wouldn't I? It's an amazing feeling, to be all naked in the water. And there aren't any other people down there. Why not take advantage of that?
But the summer holidays filled with skinny dipping, writing and sun are over. I'm back in the house, I'm back in school and I need to go to bed, before John notices I'm home. Because if he does, I know he'll want to have me, and I really can't hold my self together anymore. I need to get to my room, and get to bed, quick.
So I don't take off my shoes, or anything. I quickly get up the stairs, into my room and locks my door. I know I'll be forced to unlock it if he comes asking for me, but right now, it makes me feel safe.
As soon as I'm inside, I take off my shoes, jacket and jeans. Then I deposit of my bag on the floor and starts pulling on my shorts. Next off is my sweatshirt and bra. For some reason, I've never really liked taking off those two items. I guess I feel exposed without them. Without my sweatshirt, you're able to see my scars. And without my bra, you're able to see my breasts. And for some odd reason, I don't like people seeing my breasts.
Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with my upper body. Well, except for my scars maybe. But otherwise, I'm pretty normal. I may be a bit too skinny, but not in an anorexia kind of way. My breasts are completely normal as well. A full C-cup, nothing to complain about. And my stomach is just as flat as any other teen girl.
But still, I feel exposed, showing it off. That's why I can't wait to put on my camisole and get under the covers of my bed. Not wasting any time at all, I flick the light off, and closes my eyes, hoping that my sleep won't be interrupted by John. Maybe I'm lucky tonight.
As soon as my eyes open, I know something's wrong. I look around my room. I'm still in my bed, and nothing's changed. My photo's are in their places, my clothes are in their places, everything's completely normal. But I know something's wrong.
Frightened, I make my way out of bed, hugging my teddy close to my body. I know that whatever is wrong, Mr. Cuddles is going to protect me. He always has. Dad made sure of that.
As soon as I reach the hallway, I can hear sobs. And my heart clenches as soon as I recognises them. It's mom's. Mom's crying. But why is mom crying? She never cries! She's always happy. She says she happy, because she knows I'm there, and I'm her light. So why is she crying?
Being as silent as possible, I walk down the hallway, nearing her room. The door is slightly opened, just enough for me to peak. I have no idea what's going on in mom's room.
She's laying on the bed, while John is laying on her. His hand is on her mouth and they're both naked, only covered by a thin satin sheet.
"Sshh, Miranda," he says, in a husky voice, "you don't want to wake poor little Elena, now, do you? Or maybe you do. Maybe you want her to be a part of the fun?"
I can see my mom shake her head, while tears are rolling down her cheeks. What's wrong? Why is she crying? And why are they naked?
"If you keep on making those noises, she's going to be a part of this. But if you're silent, and do as I say, I promise she'll stay out of it."
Mom let's out a small whimper, and then nods. Why are they talking about me? And why is John talking about fun? John never does anything fun, involving me. It's always Jeremy that get's to be a part of the funny stuff. It's Jeremy that get's to go to the zoo and to the fair. Never me.
Why isn't mom letting me be a part of this fun, John is talking about?
I hug Cuddles closer to my body, as I sneak further into their room. Mom is making different noises now. But she's still crying. I don't like seeing her cry. Why is John making her cry?
I have never liked John. He's mean. But mom says he's good to our family, and that she cares about him very much. She also says that I'm supposed to be a good kid, and talk nicely to him. But I don't like talking to him. I don't like him at all.
But I will do whatever mom says. Because she is my mom, and she only does what's best for me. Because she loves me. I know she does. She keeps telling me, all the time. And I'm happy, every time she tells me.
"You chose this for yourself, Miranda. Just get the best out of it."
And with that comment, mom turns her head, and her eyes locks with mine. I can see them grow big, as she sees me, hidden underneath her desk. I know I shouldn't be here. I know in that instant her eyes meets mine. But I can't move. Not when mom is afraid. Because I'll always stay by her side, even when she's scared.
I wake up with a loud gasp, as my eyes shot's open, and I look around my room. It's clear that I'm no longer dreaming. The photo's in my room are gone, the wallpaper have changed, and my closet is no longer filled with paintings.
No, I'm back to where I belong.
I slowly sit up in my bed, as I try to get my breathing under control. I hate those nightmares. I've gotten used to them, during the past years. No matter how hard I try to fight them, they always come back, and I'm just as startled every time I wake up from one of them. I know, I shouldn't be this affected by nightmares in an age of 17. I know my past, I know what has happened. Even though I haven't really accepted it, I'm completely aware of it, and I know it's not going to change. So why am I still reacting this way?
Maybe because I never got over it. Hell, I'm clearly never going to get over it. And how can I? I'm not seeing a therapist, and I have never told anyone about the stuff that has been going on in my life, right from when my dad died. How could I tell anyone about it, when I know no one is going to believe me? Because all of those bad things, are because of John. And he's the most important man in this city.
Oh yes, the rest of the city see's him as a good man. An honorable man, doing everything he can to protect our small city, to make it as good as possible. So who would believe his crazy step-daughter? No one. Which is yet another reason I have to keep everything to my self. And maybe that is exactly the reason I am never going to get over those terrible nightmares. Good thing I'm getting more and more used to them every single night.
Trying to make my legs follow, I make my way to the bathroom Jeremy and I share. I'm thankful for it. That means I won't have to go downstairs for a glass of water. If I did, I would probably wake up John, and I know exactly what he would want. Oh no, not tonight. I was getting my sleep tonight, not interrupted by his twisted ideas.
As soon as I'm in the bathroom, I take a look at my self in the mirror. I look like a complete mess.
My brown hair is totally messed up from me tossing and turning. My face is pale, and my eyes are red and puffy. I haven't notice I had been crying. God, I feel weak.
The leftovers of my make-up is smeared across my face, making me look even more like a zombie. And maybe that is what I have become. A zombie. I just do what people tell me, walk around, do my homework. I'm not letting my self feel.
I sigh, knowing it can't be different. I can't change my comfortable way of living. I'm surviving this way, and that's what I need to do. 200 days, Gilbert, you can manage. Yes, I can.
After drinking the water, I return to my bed. I know there isn't any use in trying to sleep. I'm not going to calm down within the next hour.
So I flicker on the light, and finds my journal from the bag of the painting above my bed. That's the only logical place for me to hide it. I don't want anyone to find it. I'm not sure if John is looking through my drawers, but I'm not taking the risk. Behind my painting, is a place he'll never look, I'm sure of it.
Getting comfortable in bed, I start to let the pen float across the paper, and I instantly feel my self relaxing. This is what I love to do. This is what makes me calm down.
I don't hesitate to bring it all down to the paper. The dream, of the first time I saw John and my mother together. Everything that has happened during the day, me meeting Damon. Everything is going down there. Because this little book, is the only one I can confide in. This little book, is the only one I know will never judge me. And this little book, is the only one that will ever know my secrets.
So, there you have it! PLEASE leave a review! Doesn't have to be long, two words is enough. And I promise I will respond to EVERY review! Promise! :) I'll see you next time!