~{Chapter three}~ [Dress shopping]

As you can imagine, sleeping didn't come easy. I woke up around 4 in the morning, Charlie's more-than-missed snores echoed down the hall and for a moment, I lost myself in a memory. What if it had all been a dream? What if he was still here with me? What if he still wanted me?

Then the rain started heavily, rain drops splashing onto me through the open window. I knew I had to get up and close it, my body bracing itself for the aches of moving but I didn't want to get up just yet. I wanted to live in the life limbo gave me for just a few more minutes.

"Isabella. Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's torture to me. The thought of you, still, white, cold...never to see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretences...it would be unendurable."

Living without you is unendurable but I doubt that ever crossed your mind you selfish prick.

I pulled myself up off the bed and reached over to close the window; basking in the freezing droplets that shot into my flesh. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. Ever regrets his decision. I guess I never really knew him well enough to know for sure. Maybe he's happy. Maybe he's replaced me. A new, better human who doesn't make so many damn mistakes. It wouldn't surprise me. I always knew I was replaceable.

She'd be gorgeous with big eyes and flawless skin. She'd have fashion sense and go shopping with Alice and Rose every weekend. She wouldn't push him to any decisions he didn't want to make. She'd be perfect and pretty and preppy and everything I'm not.

It'd serve me right though. I didn't deserve him. I never did. I didn't deserve any of them. Not their friendship or love or compassion. Their family could never be mine. I get it. They all share their pasts but they don't let it break them and look at me now, completely and utterly broken.

"Time heals all wounds for your kind."

Liar.

Lucky for me, Sue got up early; I don't know how much longer I could damn myself to my bedroom knowing how easy it would be to steal Charlie's razor and lie about seeing it. She was cheerful and already dressed, she told me about our plans for the day without stopping for air and even made a few jokes about Charlie that I found myself smiling at. I could see why my father liked her, very energetic...like Renee. I briefly wondered if she had the same sick smile. I bet we all do it although trying to imagine Charlie was quite amusing.

He joined us about an hour afterwards. I suffered through breakfast with them grinning at each other like love sick teenagers, Sue lectured him about eating healthily; he lectured me about eating in general. It wasn't particularly inspiring but I promised to finish my cereal.

It wasn't until I was sitting silently in the car with Sue that I wished I'd asked for more food and ate slower than I usually did. We were going to collect Leah from wherever she was staying and although Sue was chatty enough for the both of us this morning, it seemed she had nothing to say to me now and so we let the awkward silence build. It wasn't any better with Leah actually in the car. She huffed and muttered things under her breath all the way to Port Angeles. Something was clearly bothering her but I didn't care enough to ask. It's not like we'd ever get along.

Dress shopping was hell. At least when Alice was around, she'd do the actual shopping for me. Shopping with Sue was painful. She wanted to go into every shop, make us try everything on and then when we weren't fussed; we'd go somewhere else. We'd been in several dress stores now and I'd gotten to the point where I would have worn a yellow banana suit if it meant we could bloody leave.

Sue had gone to the cash point and disappeared somewhere, probably saw some more dresses, so Leah and I were standing alone near the car park. She didn't seem fazed when I started my first tab of the day, she simply smirked and started watching some old lady with her grandson walking past.

"Does Charlie know?" Leah eventually asked, now with nothing to look at. She didn't look at me though, maybe she's socially impaired like Charlie and me; how fitting.

"I'm sure Renee's mentioned it to him at some point." I shrugged. After all, my life seems to be their only source of topics.

"He hasn't mentioned it to my mom."

"Maybe he's ashamed of me." I suggested, Leah narrowed her eyes on me with a firm stare. It was very uncomfortable, it wasn't like a frustrated or worried stare like I usually got. This one was almost cold and angry.

"Charlie could never-"

"There you are girls. I've been looking all over for you." Sue shouted over, waving at us with a few bags in her hand. I turned away and rolled my eyes, it's not hard to see us considering everyone else is sane and is staying indoors when the weather is like this.

"Are we nearly done? I have plans." Leah told Sue, like saying 'no' wasn't an option.

"Nearly. We just need to pick out an evening dress for Bella and then pick up the bridesmaids dresses. I was wondering if you girls might like some lunch? We could stop off on the way back or grab something here?" Sue suggested, blatantly not looking at me. Maybe Charlie really doesn't know I smoke, I bet that will be a fun conversation to have.

"I can't. I have things to do. I'll get the bus back." Leah told Sue, they regarded each other tensely for a few seconds and then Leah turned and walked off towards the bus stops. I wish I could have gone too, I could have made up a 'thing to do'; I'm sure of it.

"Oh well. Come on, Bella." Sue smiled, I finished my tab and dropped it into the bin as I followed after her.

Luckily for me, Sue didn't have many more shops she wanted to look in. She collected the bridesmaid dresses as I tried on a few of her 'dress options'. It didn't take long to decide, I hurried them on and off; not wanting to look at my body's reflection in the mirror for very long. I always hated shopping for clothes, it lowered my self-esteem every time. The sickness you feel, wishing that you could be someone else with a nicer body, with nicer looks and nicer hair. Wishing you were taller and thinner and tanned.

"Bella, honey. Are you nearly done?" Sue asked from outside the changing cubical. I was ready to curl up in a foetal position and cry if that's what she meant. I changed back into my own clothes and sceptically looked over the dresses, glaring at the short pink one in the middle that I didn't even bother trying on. I have to admit, the black one was nice. Sue had better taste than Renee, that's for sure.

"Yeah. Just choosing. Won't be a sec." I called to her, hearing her impatient foot tapping. Okay, so the pink one is out. No question there. The three left were okay, the black was definitely the nicest but I'm not positive I could really pull it off. I'd definitely wear a jacket with it, a cardigan or my hoodie and heals are out of the question so converses most likely. Black isn't really a party colour though, is it? I don't want people to think I dressed for a funeral, though the netted arms are really pretty and I guess I can wear it again. Plus, the navy blue one was too short; I'd have to wear black tights with it as people might be able to see the cuts on my thighs and the white one was floor length; no doubt I'll trip over it. The black one it is.

I opened the door to see a bored Sue, staring into space. She smiled though when she saw me, the Renee smile. It's almost like they're scared not to smile at me, maybe I look that far beyond help. I can imagine Renee passing it on to Charlie. 'Make sure you smile at her and try to keep things positive and happy. She might hang herself if you don't.' Well, I doubt Renee would ever go that far. "Which one are you keeping, dear?" Sue asked, walking towards the exit to the changing rooms. I followed obediently like there was a silent 'come'.

"The black one."

"It's lovely, Bella. Do you need anything to go with it? Shoes? Cardigan?" She asked, hanging the clothes we didn't want onto the railing.

"No, I have things at Charlie's." I noticed how she grimaced at that. Perhaps I should still call him dad around everyone else, it keeps people happy and that's what this weekend was supposed to be about, right?

We did stop for lunch at some diner where the food was funky, Sue didn't seem to mind though and I kept my opinions to myself. I suppose I have eaten at worse places before. The car journey home didn't feel as awkward as it did going to Port Angeles, Sue put the radio on and we listened to some classical music; all the while I was praying Claire De Lune didn't come on.

Charlie was in the kitchen with Seth when we got back. They asked questions about our day and to keep Sue happy I told them that it had been nice and we'd seen some really nice dresses. I got the feeling Charlie didn't believe me but he didn't say anything so I let it go.

I was finally allowed to have some 'me' time. I'd abandoned my evening dress on the back of my computer chair and immediately opened my window. I put shuffle on my phone's playlist and listened as 'Come round soon' echoed in my room. I lay down and put a cigarette in between my lips, not lighting it quite yet.

'I could use another cigarette, but don't worry daddy.. I'm not addicted yet. One too many drinks tonight and miss you, like you were mine.'

I remember this song. I put it on there a few months after I left here the first time, I was adamant I wouldn't let him leaving me break me. I wanted to be strong and to be able to face the sad songs, the songs that spoke of my life.

'I may seem naive if I cry as you leave like I'm just one more tortured heart. These cracks that I show as I'm watching you go aren't tearing me apart.'

I was stupid to think I could get over this. This void, of feeling incomplete and worthless. I don't know how to feel better, I don't know if I want to feel better. I just feel so alone.

'I could use another cigarette.' The song finished.

I lit up.

Sometimes it infuriates me that I'm still this mess, that I let him have so much of me; that I let him shatter my heart into splinters. I was ready to die for him, nearly died for him. I was ready to give up my entire life, those that I loved; just to be with him forever and he abandoned me. He tore out my heart and he crushed it. He just smiled. 'Time heals all wounds for your kind'. I hope he's hurting out there, I hope someone breaks his heart like he did mine. I know that's petty and it's spiteful but I don't give a shit. I hate him. I hate him and I hate me and I hate being alone.

This is stupid. I bet he doesn't even think of me. I bet he's happy with his new me. His perfect me.

'I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most, I'm a shell of a girl that I used to know well.'

Now this song is fitting. I wish I could let him go. Forget about him. But this closure doesn't come, no matter how much I want it. He haunts me. His words haunt me. His face, his smell, his eyes.

And yet, I'd give my life to see him again. Just to say goodbye, just to allow myself a proper goodbye. No abandonment, no devastation; just simply goodbye.

And if he was happy, I'd be happy for him.

And if he was sad, I'd be sad with him.

Just closure.

I need to know for sure.

Because I don't think I love him anymore.

Hey guys! I'm so happy that I have you guys reading. I hope you like this chapter! It's a little slow but hopefully you won't mind, the next chapters will make up for it! Lemme know what you think!

Just putting this in as a note. 'Tab' means Cigarette - I may also refer to them as cigs or rollies in later chapters! Hope it doesn't confuse any of you too much!