~{Chapter four}~ [The party]
I was ready. The dress was on, the black hoodie was on; the converses were on. My eye liner and mascara were on, my hair was done properly. I was ready.
I couldn't shake the horrible sick feeling I had. The last party I'd attended in Forks was my own birthday party. It kept coming back in flashes. The blood, Jasper, the presents, my truck; Carlisle.
I was remembering bits of conversation no matter how loud I played my music. I couldn't drown him out. His words. My words. Our words.
"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself!"
"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point."
"Put me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault? How dare you even think like that?"
"What would you do, if the situation were reverses?"
"That's not the same thing."
He laughed.
"What if something did happen to you?" I had asked. "Would you want me to go off myself?"
"I guess I see your point...a little. But what would I do without you?"
"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence."
"You make that sound so easy."
Evidentially, it was easier than you thought.
I wonder if he ever thinks back to the words we said. The promises he made me, the times he said he wouldn't go anywhere. I guess not. If I were him, I'd have come back long before now. I wouldn't have waited for him to stop loving me. I wouldn't have waited for him to hurt so much he broke. I wouldn't have left.
"Bells, we're leaving soon. Come down, Sue wants pictures." Charlie called through the door, tapping on it gently as he spoke.
This isn't the same. There won't be any blood thirsty vampires there. I won't have to watch myself. I can bleed all I want. Nobody is going to leave me again.
The picture taking was feeble. There were so many in different ways, at different angles; different people. You'd think Sue was trying to max the camera purposely before we left.
The party was only at the beach, La Push. That brought back a lot of memories too. Jacob, stories; vampires. I remember trying to flirt with him to get information, how cringe worthy. Luckily Jacob had never brought it up again after that time at the beach. It didn't take long to get to the beach, anyhow. Luckily. I was in the middle of Seth and Leah in the car, I've never felt so warm; it was almost suffocating. Maybe they're both ill with fevers and that's why they're not staying at the house. I hope not. Being ill when I returned to Phoenix did not sound fun, Renee would try to baby me no doubt.
The beach party looked beautiful, there was a gazebo and tables and chairs. Wood had been put down underneath them. There was music and cake, people were all dress beautifully; bar Leah who had decided to come in casual clothes. Fairy lights had been strung up and there was a bonfire with people sitting around. I could smell a barbeque somewhere but hadn't seen it yet.
"Bella." Jacob grinned, jogging over to me once I was on the sand. I just want to find a seat and stay there all night, walking on dry sand doesn't sound very safe for me.
"Hey Jacob." I replied.
"Looking good." He winked, I scoffed and despite totally disagreeing with the statement; I found myself blushing anyway. "Aw, cute. I should admire you out loud more often." He teased, I rolled my eyes with a smile and followed Charlie towards the tables and chairs. Jacob walked at my side. "So, what have you been up to?"
"Dress shopping." I replied breezily. Keep it short and sweet. Maybe then he'll leave me alone and I can sit and enjoy company from a distance. Jacob chuckled and unbuttoned his top button on his shirt. His bowtie was missing but I guess it suited him, the boyish smart but casual look.
"No, Bella. I meant in general, you know...for the past 7 years." He smirked. I took to a small table around the outside so I could slip away if I needed to. Jacob sat next to me, still waiting for his answer.
"Oh you know...I was in San Francisco for a while. But I've mostly just been in Phoenix." I muttered, looking around and seeing a few familiar faces. Boys that had grown into men, a few of my dad's old friends. Billy Black was having a very animated talk with Seth. I wonder what's so interesting.
"Is it nice? What did you do there?" Jacob asked, what's with all these questions? I gave him a sceptical glance and he chuckled. "I'm just wondering, Bella. I haven't seen you in forever. Wanted to know what was keeping you away." I guess that's an acceptable answer though he'd never truly know the answer to his last statement.
"It is nice there. Warm." I murmured, continuing to people watch. "I forgot how much I'd missed proper heat." I added, more to myself than him. "But yeah, I um...I got a job. It was just temporary but I wanted to be independent for a while."
"Ah, a woman's need for independence." Jacob smiled to himself.
"Anyway, what about you? What have you been up to?" I asked, hoping this would move the entire conversation away from me now, there's nothing I hate more than having to talk about myself. It's never really truthful.
"Oh you know, this and that. Fixing cars, oh I got some sweet motor cycles in a few weeks ago. Just finished them this morning. We could take 'em out for a spin, if you're interested." Jacob grinned enthusiastically. Motor cycles. I've never been much of a fan but I guess if I was staying around long enough it couldn't hurt.
"Maybe tomorrow evening, or the morning after. I have to drive down to Port Angeles around 4." I suggested, he looked extremely excited to see that I'd agreed. It's kind of nice having someone want to spend time with me. People mostly get shifty when I'm around now, I can always tell they'd rather they or I were somewhere else.
"Either or."
"We'll see what happens then. I um, remember you saying you were working on a car before I left." I trudged on, hopefully he'll get carried away and there'll be no time to talk about me or time for him to ask.
"The Rabbit. Oh yeah, I finished that about a month after you left. I've moved onto different cars now, I sell them too. It's a pretty cool business, I'm thinking of starting up a proper garage." Jacob replied, at least things have been going well for him.
"That's great, Jacob." I told him, genuinely. He's clearly been working hard, hopefully his life amounts to more than mine. Not that that's difficult.
"Yeah, if you come back and visit; I'm sure we could work some deals out." He winked, I smiled. He's still the same Jacob, no matter how different he looks now. I wish I could still be Bella. The Bella I was when I moved here.
"I'm sure." I muttered, not agreeing or disagreeing though I think we both knew I wouldn't be coming back.
"Can I get you a drink or anything?" Jacob asked after an awkward pause. He stood and hovered. I could see Charlie watching me from next to Sue, Billy was with him now and I could tell one of them was going to come over and say something. Whatever it was, I didn't need to hear it and I doubt it's any conversation worth having.
"Um, yeah. I'll come with you." I said hastily standing up, he held his arm out for me to link it but I awkwardly shuffled away and let him catch up to my side. Physical contact is not my thing.
"We'll have to walk over to Emily's. They haven't brought the coolers out yet, I can go alone if you like." Jacob suggested, maybe he wanted rid of me too. Well tough, he'll just have to put up with it for now; I'm not in the mood to talk to many other people.
"It's fine. I don't mind." I murmured, we didn't talk much on the way to the house. He mentioned some more car models and a few ideas for what his garage may be called. I went to the bathroom once we were inside Emily's house. It was nice and home like though it had a peculiar smell, almost like wet dog. I guess they've got a pet somewhere. I washed my hands with cold water and dabbed them around the back of my neck, it's humid tonight. I suppose it's better than rain, people in Forks must love this kind of warmth.
I think it's horrible and sticky.
"Why did you come here then?"
"It's...complicated."
What's wrong with me? I can't even get through an evening without Edward's voice echoing around me. Maybe I'm sick or something. Maybe I'm dying and instead of my life flashing before my eyes, it's all coming back slowly so I can watch it again miserably before I go.
That would be my luck. I'd rather, how did I say it then? Oh right, 'off myself' quickly than have to die slowly, reliving the misery. Isn't that basically just what I'm doing now though? Living through misery?
Maybe I'll be okay.
Maybe it will get better soon. I might wake up one morning and be completely over Edward and what he did. I might never hear his voice in my head again, or think about him on a daily basis. I might be able to come back and visit Charlie without being effected in the slightest. I might even meet someone and actually fall in love, for real this time and we might have children and get married and live our lives...and die together.
Die of old age.
I know that's inevitable, I know it now. There's no way out of death. If I don't die young, I'll die old and though that's what so many people want; to live. I couldn't help but tear up at it. It's not fair.
None of it is.
"That doesn't seem fair."
"Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair."
"I believe I have heard that somewhere before."
I turned the tap off and vacated the bathroom and headed downstairs. I wonder how long I've been in there, I hope it wasn't long. Not that I care about what people think of me but I don't want to irritate anyone tonight and it feels almost wrong to upset Jacob. He's like sunshine. Desperately needed sunshine. Though we don't talk much and I'm not that interested, I do feel more at ease around Jacob than anyone else. He doesn't try to small talk or bring up things he knows I don't want to talk about. It's almost like there is a silent understanding though I doubt anyone would ever really understand this. Jacob was sitting on the sofa looking extremely tense, his shoulders square and his stare firm as he stared towards the kitchen; his hands were so clenched I thought the bottles of beer might break.
"Jacob, you alright?" I asked, feeling concerned. I stepped towards him, his eyes turned to me and I could physically see him relax a little bit. I smiled gently at him and he smiled back though something was obviously bothering him.
"Bella." Said a beautifully light voice. A beautifully familiar voice. Is that? No. It can't be. My head snapped sideways and I gaped. Alice. Like, actual Alice. Real life Alice Cullen. Though I could be hallucinating, it's never happened before but if I'm sick; I could be moving into a new stage. But she looks so real, she sounds so real. She just smiled. Stood there, smiling. Smiling that Alice smile. God, I've missed that smile. What do I do? Do I make sure she's real first? No, that would mean physical contact. Hugging. No. Do I ask? But Jacob is here, I'll look deranged even if she is actually here and more so if she isn't. How is she here? Are they all here? Is he here? Oh God, I'm going to vomit.
Yay, Alice! Hope you're all enjoying this. Lemme know what you think.