~{Chapter five}~ [Cullen's]

"Bella?"

"Bella, are you alright?" Jacob's voice asked. I stared blankly at a now closer and worried looking Alice. She didn't touch me, thankfully, though Jacob did, he put an arm on my shoulder and I looked up at him. At least it wasn't Alice, her cold skin that was exactly like Edwards. I could almost feel the last time he touched my face in the forest before he disappeared.

"Yeah...sorry, I just...blanked for a second. Um. Yeah."

"More like a few minutes." Jacob smirked. "Here." He said casually, handing me a beer. I took it from him and took a drink, it's coolness felt good in my hands that were now sweating.

"Do you think that's wise? She could be ill...or on something." Alice frowned. I wish I was on something right now. For a moment, I thought she meant medication but by Jacob's response; I realised she meant 'actually on something'. Had she seen? Has she been watching me?

"Bella's not ill and she doesn't take drugs." Jacob replied matter-of-factly. "Isn't that right, Bella?" Jacob asked, oh crap; I have to respond. Alice will know if I lie but hopefully she won't say anything in front of Jacob.

"Course." I murmured, shrugging. Trying to act normal.

"Bella. Are you ill?" Jacob asked, looking shocked. What? Was I really that unconvincing? I need to work on this. I thought I'd been doing so well with my facades. Maybe Jacob just more perceptive than I thought.

"No, I'm not ill...at least I don't think I am, anyway." I muttered, taking a step back from him. He removed his hand and folded his arms. Wearing a curious and sceptically stern frown.

"Drugs? Bella. Really? I thought you were better than that." Alice said, sadly. It was painful to see how disappointed she looked with me right now. To hear how disappointed she sounded with me right now. But I shouldn't have to feel bad. This is my life. I'm an adult and she left me. She's obviously been watching me to know I could have been on something, so what should it matter? She didn't care enough to come back and tell me when I first started. They left me. I can do whatever the hell I want.

"Obviously not." I muttered sourly. I turned and walked towards the back door, seizing the chance to run away. At least I'm not screaming, that would look deranged. Alice and Jacob followed after me, muttering something to each other. When did they become so chummy? It irritated me. Jacob never use to like the Cullen's, maybe he's their new best friend. Wait. Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't Charlie tell me? Those assholes. Everyone clearly knows what happened between Edward and I. Nothing ever gets passed the small town folk, except the mythical creature secrets. Why wouldn't they tell me? Charlie can clearly see how badly I'm doing at the moment, didn't he think I deserve a little heads up? This is ridiculous. I need to leave. Just get away from them, right now. All of them.

"Hey, Bells." Charlie said, sauntering towards me with Carlisle walking next to him. How could he? How can he be so relaxed? And surely he's noticed the non-aging aspect of the Cullen's considering. Does he know? Does Jacob? What the hell is going on?

I didn't stop to greet Carlisle, or stop to talk to Charlie. I swerved around them, keeping my eyes on the ground as I went. "Bella." Called Alice, running to catch up with me. "I didn't mean for you to take that so personally. I just meant-"

"I don't care what you meant." I told her bluntly, my voice risen slightly. That seemed to stop her speech or whatever she was about to say. She stopped walking but I continued.

"You're not happy to see us, are you?" She asked, I'd never heard Alice sound so sad and though I desperately wanted to turn around and hug her and tell her I'd missed her more than anything. I couldn't bring myself to stomach it. I had missed them. All of them. But they left me. They left me here and it was unforgivable, my life has become a mess and it's their fault. They took me in and made me feel safe and normal and gave me the family that I always wanted and then they took it away from me. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere.

"Go figure." I replied irritably, walking back to the beach; knowing she'd definitely heard me.

Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie's eyes watched me as I went back along the beach. I didn't look over at them though and I hoped to God Jasper didn't mess with my emotions. I was not in any mood to be manipulated by them.

I guess I'll have to walk home but that's fine with me. As long as they stay here. Stay away from me. Luckily I didn't see Edward, I'm not sure I could have coped. I don't know what I would have done. Maybe what I'm doing now. Running away from them. Running away like they ran from me. But then surely, that would make me as bad as them? Should I stay? No. It may be childish and cowardly but I don't think I can stomach much more tonight. I don't want to sit around and listen to speeches and pretend I'm okay with whatever the hell is going on. I'm not. I don't want to be around them.

"Hey, Bella. You got a light?" Leah asked, shouting over from where she was standing with Seth and one of their friends; an olive skin boy with curly brown hair. It looked like Quil. I guess everyone's changing these days. I changed direction slightly and instead of walking up to the car park and following the roads home, I walked down to the shore and removed my lighter from my pocket. I handed it over.

"Hey, Bella. Remember me?" Quil asked, a Jacob grin on his face. Would Jacob stop talking to me? Now that he knows I've done drugs? Does he assume the worst of me already? I don't know. Our motor cycling morning didn't sound so likely anymore though and that made me feel worse.

"Yeah, Quil right?" I asked lightly, he nodded. Leah tossed my lighter over my shoulder and I turned to see one of the other boys catch it.

"Just lighting the barbeque." He told me with a smirk and walked off. I turned back to Seth, Leah and Quil.

"I'm gunna head home." I told them, not that I had to. They could probably tell considering I was walking away from the party.

"Leaving so soon, Bella? We haven't had cake yet." Seth said, sounding disappointed though I was pretty sure he was disappointed they hadn't had cake yet and not that I was leaving.

"I feel pretty sick actually. Might have something so...figured I'd sleep it off. Don't wanna be ill tomorrow." I told him, it was all true... though that obviously wasn't why I was leaving.

"Oh, okay." He frowned.

"I can drive you home if you like." Leah offered. I didn't think she'd be one for helping others out. In fact, Leah comes across as a little moody and reclusive. I know what's eating me, I wonder what's going on with her. Her business is her own though, I doubt she'd care about my problems.

"Um, yeah. Thanks." I muttered, she nodded once.

"I'll go get your lighter and the car keys. Meet you up there." She replied, brushing past me immediately. I didn't need to be told twice. I'm sure Charlie will understand, not that I cared anymore. If he cared about my feelings, he would have told me and not let me find out the way I did. I wouldn't have come.

God, I can't believe they're actually here...in Forks...with me. I've dreaded a day like this for years and it's here, I'm living it and...just...how do I handle this? How did they think I would handle this? Alice obviously thought I'd be happy to see them, did they think that too? And since when could they come to La Push? I thought it was the only place they didn't come. Everything is just so messed up.

I paced next to the car, biting my fingernails and trying to breathe calmly. They can still hear me. I have to act normally. I know I'm weird and I'm broken and a mess but they didn't have to see that. I don't want to give any one of them the satisfaction of knowing they have so much influence over me. I have to get out of here.

"Bella."

I stopped abruptly and turned around. Carlisle was standing a few feet away from me, his concerned doctor's face on. He looked exactly the same. It's so weird. I knew they wouldn't change, they'd be ageless but look at him. Perfectly kept like a porcelain doll. And then there's me, an aging mess. Who would ever want to be human?

"Bella, I understand you're angry with us. It's completely acceptable but I want you to know that we're truly sorry." He said slowly, watching me carefully. I put my hands down by my side and regarded him silently. They're sorry? So they fucking should be! They have no idea how hard this has been for me! He can't imagine how hurt I've been, how hurt I still am. How dare they just show up again and mess with my feelings all over again? How am I supposed to deal with this? "Of course, we understand if you'd like us to stay away. I know we're put you in a difficult position." Oh, yeah. Brilliant! Bloody perfect. Just show up and leave again, leave me alone again. Just what I wanted! I can't believe him, I can't believe them.

Anger was rising and before I could stop myself, the words came out...full of hatred and anger and spite.

"Fuck you and fuck your apology."

"Bella-" He said, looking and sound genuinely shocked.

"No. I don't want to hear that it was for my own good, or you had your reasons or you didn't want to. I don't want to hear any of it because it's complete shit. You left me here. All of you." Oh God, stop talking. They can't know this. They can't know how weak you are, how weak you feel. It's not meant to be this way. These are words meant for Edward, I shouldn't be taking my anger out on Carlisle.

"I know." He replied, I'd never seen Carlisle look so defeated...but, but it serves him right. It serves them all right.

"Good... Now go away." I muttered sadly, looking away from his heart-wrenching sad eyes.

"If that's what you want." He murmured, his tone sobering.

"Bella, don't do this." Alice pleaded, appearing next to him. Why aren't they acting human? There are people around! This is ridiculous. What if someone sees? What if Charlie sees?

"Alice, don't." Carlisle warned though his voice didn't have any heat in it. He obviously could tell it was a lost cause.

"You have to know we didn't want to. I mean, we really didn't want to. We were so angry with him, Bella. Leaving you was hard on all of us, you have to see that. We love you, Bella." She sounded so desperate for me to believe her but if anything, it irritated me more. If they didn't want to leave then they shouldn't have! It's that simple. It was hard on them? It was hard on me yet nobody seemed to stop and think about that. No, they just ran off as fast as they could! It destroyed me!

"Bella, let's go." Leah said, climbing into the other side of the car. How long has she been standing there? That is kind of embarrassing. I felt my cheeks warm, I hope to God she doesn't ever bring this up again.

"Bella, please." Alice sighed softly. I can't. I can't forgive them. I can't forgive him. Not now.

"Goodbye, Alice."

I climbed into the car as Leah started the engine and buckled my seatbelt. I could feel my heart hammering away in my chest, it ached. My stomach was clenching and unclenching uneasily. I felt sweaty and sick and nauseous. I can't believe I said that. I can't believe I said goodbye. I didn't want to. I didn't want it to be this way. But I didn't want them to leave either, I didn't want to waste 7 years of my life; trapped in a void created by them. They left me and now I'm leaving them. At least I had the decency to say goodbye.

Leah dropped me off at Charlie's. She didn't come in and we didn't speak. I went inside and up to the bathroom, dropping down to my knees and projective vomiting into the toilet. I closed my eyes as the tears came, they were burning from the salt mixed with make-up but I couldn't care enough to wipe it off. This has become the second worst day of my life.

"Leaving you was hard on all of us, you have to see that."

Why should I believe that? After all, I'm just a human. There are billions of us. The Cullen's could have anyone they wanted, why should it be hard for them? They meet different people all of the time in new countries, new jobs; new schools. They've probably seen hundreds of me's in the time they've been away. So why should I believe that it was hard for them to leave me here? Why did they come back?

If they loved me, they wouldn't have gone. They should have known. She should have foreseen how badly this would hurt me. 7 years of cutting and highs and messing my life up and she didn't show up once. All those decisions she'd see, and she didn't help me because staying away was much more important. They didn't love me. None of them did.

I was completely unlovable. I'd always known it.

I wiped my face with my hand and flushed the toilet. I used the sleeve of my hoodie to dry my eyes as I reached over to the black shaver sitting casually on the sink.

I went to my room, I closed the door; I shrugged off my hoodie and before I knew, I was hacking away at my arms. Blood rising over faded scars and pooling down onto my bare legs.

I hated me. I hated myself. I hated my face, my skin, my hair and me. I hated this freak that I've become. This pathetic, worthless girl living in denial. I wasn't over him. I could never be over him. I was waiting. Stalling my life for him to come back to me. For him to come back and save me from myself.

Because it would be so easy to be reckless and stupid. It would be so easy to run the blade across my wrists. It would be so easy to give up. To give him what he wanted, freedom from me. He deserved it. He deserved my death to be his fault. This life he left me to, it's not living. I'm dying, every second of the day though I guess I've felt dead for quite some time now. It would be so easy.

Hey guys! I hope this chapter wasn't too bad and I hope y'all don't hate my new Bella too much. Lemme know what you think!