Part Three
There was not a lot of difference, Artemis reflected, between archery and lab work. They both required practice, patience and extremely steady hands. The hours her father had made her shoot arrows at a variety of targets had trained her for hours sitting in the same chair, staring at nerve cells through a microscope eyepiece, her hands delicately and surely inserting a delicate glass electrode into the cell nuclei. In fact, she probably would never have gotten into science if she hadn't been firing projectiles in elementary school science class one day and suddenly realizing that if she figured out the physics of this whole thing – beyond the ridiculously simplified versions they learnt in class – she could apply it to her archery and maybe her dad would cut her some slack. Well, he didn't, but she learned she was great at Physics, and also Chemistry, and Biology.
It was Wally that had introduced her to research. In fact, his scientific mind was one of the things that she'd admired most about him when they first met. He could have played a real sexist jerk at the time, but there was no denying his brilliance. When they became friends, sort of, and he discovered she'd never done actual lab work, he made her promise to sign up for a mentorship program at her school. As it turned out, Gotham Academy had an outstanding science lab, and she found she did not mind the repetitiveness or the long hours as much as she thought she would. She was used to it.
Now she was here, at the research program of her dreams, and she couldn't even talk to the one who'd introduced her to this entire world about it, couldn't spend lazy night-ins comparing the new lab with the one they'd worked in back at Stanford, gush over state-of-the-art equipment, speak in awe about professors sure to be the institute's next Nobel Laureate. So instead, she emailed Dick a week into the program, and two months after she'd first arrived in Paris. She attached photographs of the tourist attractions she'd visited, wrote long and detailed descriptions about her work and her colleagues.
She wrote an entire paragraph about how difficult it was to break into a team of researchers so used to working with each other like a well-oiled system of machinery and how while everyone was nice to her, it was difficult finding her place on the team, but deleted it once she finished. Dick, charming, likeable Dick, did not need to know about her various and sundry social problems. They were things she would only have told Wally before. She tried writing to Dick about how much she wished Wally were around for her to talk about her research to – surely Dick missed talking to Wally as well – but she deleted that paragraph too. After all, apparently Dick had been in love with her for years, and now she knew it, would it come off as deliberately trying to make him jealous?
Zatanna was right. She really should have had that talk with him before leaving. Now with all that distance between them the problem was just going to dwell and fester beyond repair.
She ended up writing about some of her hopes for her research, trying not to get too technical, ideas that she'd only shared with her Professor before, and, almost as an afterthought, included that story about the Vietnamese cabdriver she'd met a few weeks ago. She sent off the email, suddenly feeling closer to Dick than she had in weeks, and though it reminded her of all the problems that awaited her at home, she felt better.
A month. That was how long it took for things to feel right with the people in her lab. She had gotten along with them fine the whole time, lunch time awkwardness was kept to a minimum and they had, on occasion, chatted about their personal lives but today was the first time she felt like a part of the team. Six of them had spontaneously decided to go out for dinner and then drinks at a little pub after work, and in the midst of the chattering and joking Artemis felt suddenly like she was amongst friends. After weeks of suppressing the ache of homesickness, it was the most welcome feeling in the world.
She got back home pretty late, and found that she had a missed call from Barbara. Normally she would wait until the next morning before calling back, but she felt so awake she called Barbara straight away. She and Barbara didn't chat as often on the phone as she did with Zatanna or M'gann, so Artemis missed her friend.
"Hey Barb, sorry I missed your call earlier, I was out with some friends…"
"Oh that's okay! Wow, it must be really late there now, thanks for calling back."
They chatted easily, Artemis talking about the people in her lab and how her research was going, and Barbara shared news about the Team – how Jaime had gotten injured at the last mission, and how Cassie totally had a crush on Conner that thankfully M'gann found cute. It could only have been about fifteen minutes when there was a slight lull in conversation, and Artemis knew intuitively that Barbara was biting her lip, something she only did when she was not sure how to say something.
"Barb?" Artemis asked tentatively, immediately assuming the worst – had someone gotten badly injured on the team? Was it Nightwing?
Barbara laughed nervously. "It's really nothing, 'Mis. Just wasn't sure if I should tell you. Um," Barbara so rarely sounded unsure. "Dick's seeing someone."
And while she could have sworn she only loved Dick like a brother, and had only really thought of Dick in the past two months to agonize about how she was going to deal with the whole situation when she got back, there was no denying the fact that her heart dropped, and a hot flush involuntarily shot up her cheeks. "He is?" she kept her voice light, trying to sound excited about this new piece of gossip. "Who is it?"
"Yeah. Someone you know, actually. Bette Kane."
"Bette?" 'Just a freshman, ignore him' Bette? "Wow, how on earth did they meet?"
They chatted about Dick and Bette for a few minutes, before Barbara gracefully diverted the conversation to other topics, like when Artemis was coming back, and her own college studies. When they hung up, Artemis could have punched herself in the face. What the hell was that about? That sudden surge of… what, jealousy?
Dick had dated an impressive number of girls, and not all his dates had made complete sense to her - really, no one got it when he dated Raquel for three months, though the two were still amicable, so no one really minded. And if what Barbara had told her was true, and he had liked her since her senior year, he had dated numerous girls while apparently being in love with her. So why did it only matter to her now she knew?
Option one was that she was in love with Dick too, a thought she quickly perished. It was still too soon, and while she loved Dick, she wasn't in love with him, she just wasn't. Option two made her feel almost nauseous: that she had grown possessive over him just because he loved her, was flattered of the attention and did not want to relinquish that claim over him. Yet how could that be, when she still thought everything would be much easier if he didn't love her, if he was just her brother and nothing else?
She sighed, drawing fingers slowly through long, slightly tangled hair. No longer feeling energized, she got ready for bed.
"You're never gonna believe who I saw yesterday," Bette said, eyes bright with excitement, as she approached him. He grinned and handed her a coffee, which she accepted with thanks.
"Really? Who?" Dick asked, taking a sip from his own cup.
"This guy I had the biggest crush on when I was a freshman at GA," she laughed, "he was like, the sweetest guy on the football team. He was a senior and all, so I totally didn't have a chance, but jeez, he's gotten ever cuter, which I didn't even think was possible."
They walked through the streets of Gotham hand in hand, soft flurries of snowflakes gently landing in their hair and melting on their coats. "Sounds like quite a catch," Dick joked good-naturedly, "I'm starting to feel jealous."
"Relax, Dick," Bette was still laughing, clearly amused by her encounter, "Obviously I've gotten over him. I got over him sophomore year when this guy on the basketball team lent me his Geography notes. That's the thing about high school crushes, they rarely last over a year."
"Yeah," he said distractedly, feeling that familiar hand closing over his heart again. He thought about long blonde hair and grey eyes and the only girl who could make him feel the exact way he felt about his lost family: the feeling of never forgetting, never letting go.
"So, who did you crush on in high school? Anyone I know?"
"Just a girl totally out of my league," he grinned at her, "But now I don't even remember her name."
"So I've been wondering if I should tell Artemis I'm dating Bette now," Dick told Barbara as he poured milk into his cereal while simultaneously fetching a large spoon from the drawer.
There was a short uncomfortable silence, but before Dick could ask what was wrong, Barbara admitted, "I actually told her about that awhile back…"
"You what?" milk splattered onto the kitchen counter, and Dick could imagine Barbara wincing, her face lit by the glow of her computers.
"Yeah, over the phone, about two weeks ago. I'm sorry, I just well, wanted to see how she was dealing with the whole… issue," Barbara confessed, sounding sheepish. "Sorry for jumping the gun."
Well he could hardly be upset at her when he was probably the one who'd taught her how to pry. He sighed, wiping the spilt milk off the table. "It's fine," he said, then frowned. "Wait, you told her two weeks ago?"
"Yeah. Sorry I didn't tell you-"
"No. That's fine. It's just… we've exchanged a few emails since then, she never brought it up."
"Oh. Well, she probably just didn't know how to. I mean, you can't really say, 'hey, remember how you've been in love with me without my knowledge for years? I hear you're dating one of my friends now. What's up with that?' in a polite way." Barbara really wasn't one for mincing her words.
"Haha," Dick deadpanned, unamused. "Well, what did she say when you told her?"
"She seemed surprised. She tried to cover up though, treat it like it was any other piece of gossip," Barbara sounded thoughtful. "I mean, I couldn't get much without actually reading her body language, and you know how she controls her feelings, but I guess she's… confused?"
"Confused. Is that good?"
"I don't know. You never know with Artemis."
Yeah, he thought, you truly don't.
The moment it hit her was on a Friday evening. She was processing her data for the week, trying to spot trends that support her hypotheses and plan next week's work, when two of her colleagues come back from a tea break, chatting in voices energized from coffee.
"Did you hear Shinya Yamanaka is coming to the university? He's giving the keynote address for that event next week and a talk on his research!"
"Of course I heard; my boyfriend and I had our tickets booked for his talk two weeks ago!"
The memory surfaced instantly: 2012, lounging in the TV room with Jason after a tough training when Wally skidded into the room pumping one hand into the air and cheering. She remembered his enthusiastic voice as he announced that Yamanaka and Gurdon had been named winners of the Nobel Prize for Physiology, how he began to deliver an unsolicited (and frankly, unnecessary) lecture on the importance of induced pluripotent stem cells, Jason's dismissive "Oh please, don't jizz your pants, West."
Artemis thought then that it was sad that Wally would never get to see Yamanaka speak in-person, and that she missed listening to Jason mocking Wally when he geeked out. She was about to move on to more closely examine some anomalous data when the realization ripped through her.
She'd always had difficulty believing that Wally and Jason were gone, permanently, well and truly gone. She may have known it, but she'd never really believed it or accepted it like she had in that last moment. Subconsciously, she must have gotten used to their death and now, realizing it, she felt like she was in a ship with an open airlock, almost being sucked into deep space.
To her abject horror she found herself tearing up, and quickly wiped the tears away, but not before catching the eye of Mr. Allemand, their no-nonsense lab technician. He blinked at her in surprise – they both respected each other for their determined, focused approach to their work – but said nothing. Artemis almost thought she'd gotten off the hook until her supervisor texted her an hour later asking to see her after work.
Professor Etienne Bouchaud was a petite woman in her early fifties, with curly pale blonde hair that reminded Artemis of pictures of women from the early 1900s and a mind sharp as a whip. She was always smiling and friendly, and demanded that everyone, from her superiors to the lab technicians, called her Etienne. She beamed at Artemis when she appeared at her office with her lab notebook in hand, and Artemis thought absently that Etienne must have embodied Fitzgerald's idea of a smile that made you feel one was irresistibly prejudiced in your favour.
Etienne had her give an update on her research, which Artemis did distractedly. She had just given her last update two days ago, which meant that Etienne had some ulterior motive here. Inwardly, she cursed Mr. Allemand for telling on her – it was the only possible reason for this impromptu meeting – and herself for breaking down at the lab, of all places.
Artemis figured Etienne was only half paying attention to what she was saying, and gave the briefest explanation she could. Finally, Etienne thanked her, before saying, "Mathias" – Etienne was the only person who got always with calling Mr. Allemand by his first name – "told me you seemed a little upset today. Are you alright?"
"Um, I'm fine," Artemis said, as airily as possible, "Just missed, um, my boyfriend. And my little brother."
"Hmm," Etienne seemed dissatisfied. You did not become a senior professor by being unobservant. "Surely you could call them, or email them? I know it's hard being away from them, but it's only a year, and you have to make do with – "
"They're dead," Artemis said abruptly, then flushed. Etienne stared at her, open-mouthed. "They, um, passed before I left."
"Artemis," Etienne's lilting French was sympathetic, and Artemis suddenly understood that Etienne knew she could've kept it a secret if she'd wanted to, but had to tell someone. "I'm so sorry."
Artemis had grown to detest the mandatory words of sympathy that came with every tragedy, no matter how sincerely they were spoken, but she did not move away when Etienne hugged her. She hugged back, and though she still felt a yawning chasm inside her, she felt for the first time that it was something that she could live with.
Barbara was standing outside his apartment carrying two steaming cups of coffee. He groaned. "Barb, you didn't have to. I told you I was fine."
Barbara rolled her eyes. "What, a girl can't visit her oldest friend because she misses him so much?" She thrust a cup of coffee at him, and he accepted with little resistance.
"She can. But we both know that's not why you're here."
"I'm not here because of Bette, Dick," Barbara said, blinking at him innocently, "Though, now you mention it, how are you feeling about that?"
"Nice try," he said dryly, "Move on."
"Jeez, what a stiff. Anyway, there's a taxi downstairs with directions to a secret location. Wanna come on an adventure?"
After all those years, she still knew how to intrigue him. "Well, couldn't say no to that."
Barbara attempted to distract him with conversation, but that did not stop him from trying to deduce where they were going. "Stop trying," Barbara instructed firmly after the first ten minutes, "I've given him the most ridiculous route ever, so you won't guess for quite awhile."
She was right. But when he did guess, he turned to her with narrowed eyes and folded arms. "You're bringing me on an adventure to Wayne Manor?"
"How old are we this year?" Barbara's grin was wide and mischievous.
"What does that have anything to do with – "
"Answer the question, Grayson."
"We're twenty, and only about ten years too old to find Wayne Manor a suitable-" Realisation dawned on his face, and Barbara grinned, clapping her hands together. "Oh."
"Knew you'd get it eventually!"
After they'd arrived at the Manor and chatted with Alfred, they borrowed a small shovel and headed off to the back garden, Alfred promising to prepare some snacks and lemonade for when they were done. They found the old spot easily enough, and found the time capsule after about ten minutes of digging – for a couple of ten year olds, they had dug quite a deep hole.
Barbara wrenched the old biscuit tin out of the ground with long, dirt-stained figures and peeled off the plastic kitchen wrap they had mummified the box in. "Looks to be in fairly good condition," Barbara observed, almost nervously, once they had uncovered the actual tin.
Dick crouched beside her and they pried the lid off together, immediately bursting out laughing at the hotchpotch collection of items they had put together as children – a police investigator's badge Barbara had stolen from her father when she was upset at him but was later too afraid to give back, a Geography project they had worked on together, a pair of cufflinks from the first formal suit Dick owned, some shattered seashells from a school trip to the beach and a pair of ticket stubs from their first trip to the circus together.
Barbara unfolded the sheet of loose-leaf paper and read aloud from it, "'Dear Dick of the future, I hope you are less of a dick now'" – she winced, and said apologetically, "sorry, those jokes were still funny back then. Anyway, 'For your sake, I hope you're at least taller – like, a lot taller, taller than some girls, at least, and that you've grown into those ears. I'm sure by ten years' time you would have fulfilled your life-long dream of being such a dork you hacked into government computers or whatever, so if you did manage to get enough trouble that you had to be saved by Batman, tell future-me about that whole thing if you haven't. I won't laugh. Sincerely, Barbara.'" Barbara was gasping with laughter by the end of it. "God, I thought you'd grow up to be some nerd extraordinaire! I can't believe I ate up your whole nerd-totally-in-love-with-Batman act."
"In your defence, I played the part really well."
"Looked the part too, really. Anyway, read yours!"
Dick opened his letter and cleared his throat. "Dear future Barbara, I know we promised to write letters to each others' future selves, but look, guess I trolled you again. Love, Dick. P.S. Hopefully by then you know better than to tackle me."
"You – God, I can't believe I just got trolled by a ten-year-old Dick Grayson," Barbara punched him on the shoulder. "And 'you know better than to tackle me'? You really thought that you'd be able to take me in a fight?"
"Well, I didn't know you were going to become Batgirl, did I?" Dick defended himself, "And for the record? I definitely could."
There was also a small stack of glossy photographs of them that they sifted through together, laughing at the faces they made at the camera, reminiscing about places they had almost forgotten visiting.
"These were all taken before I met any of them," Dick said between photos, and the sad smile Barbara gave him indicated she'd realized long ago, before she'd dragged him to dig up the time capsule, even. He had been so small back then, so ridiculous with that slick-backed hair and too wiry frame. Dick remembered his first year as Robin, back when every mission was just asterous and he had so much fun he just couldn't stop laughing.
Barbara took his hand like she used to when they were children and squeezed it. "You can almost feel it," she said, looking up at the cloudless blue sky, "summer coming."
As her flight was scheduled for a Saturday, a few people from work, including Etienne, came to send her off. As she was the only non-French student, they had thrown her a small going-away party the day before, and even Mr. Allemand had grudgingly said an almost sentimental farewell.
Etienne hugged her as she prepared to check-in. "I do believe will see each other again, Artemis."
"Of course, Etienne. It's been great working with you."
The three others hugged her and kissed her on both cheeks, murmuring goodbyes and promises to keep in touch. As she headed to the check-in counter, it surprised her how she felt less sad then she thought she would be. Sure, she was going to miss this place, but it was, though cliché, always nice to return home.
The sentiment, however, left her almost instantly the moment she stepped out of the baggage collection area and realized what her welcoming-back party had done. She'd feared the worst, thought they would have gone with embarrassing party hats and loud, raucous cheers upon her arrival, but clearly she had underestimated the combined evilness of Barbara and Zatanna.
She hadn't seen Dick in a little over a year, and he did not look much changed, just a little tired. She sighed, thanking God that he had at least not brought Bette along. While she and Bette got along well, all that confusion would just have been too overwhelming for someone who had just sat through an 8-hour flight.
He waved at her when he caught her eye and smiled, the kind of smile that she supposed would have made her worries evaporate instantly in a perfect world. Instead, she only swallowed, pasted a grin on her face, and approached him. He automatically took her bag and she punched him lightly on the shoulder, as she had often done when they were much younger. Perhaps none of them were really in the mood for hugging, or maybe that much physical contact was an undeclared no-man's land. "Hey, Dick. What happened to Barb and Zee?"
"Yeah, good to see you too, Artemis," he said, rolling his eyes, though he was still smiling slightly. "They are inexplicably indisposed today."
"Ri-i-ght," she said, half-sarcastically, and they both laughed, though they knew that was nowhere even close to her wittiest repartee. She cringed inwardly at the awkward silence that descended. She'd hoped her reunion with Dick would not be as awkward as this, almost expected it after how they'd managed to chat normally over emails for a year. But that was no replacement for face-to-face contact, and now with his company sprung on her she felt at once both lost and nervous.
"I suppose you must be hungry," Dick said conversationally, as if he had not picked up on how tense the situation was, and Artemis was reminded just how socially inclined the heir to the Wayne fortune was. Well, at least that made one of them.
"Yeah!" she replied, and at once wanted to pinch herself for the overtly high-pitched, falsely enthusiastic syllable she just uttered. "Uh, yeah, the airplane food was just revolting."
"Excellent. I know just the place."
Barely an hour later, Artemis found herself in a charming little Italian Bistro that claimed to sell the best pizzas in Gotham City. Artemis had gone for dinner with Dick and Wally before, and Dick had always insisted on bringing them to fancy restaurants with Michelin stars and celebrity chefs and all. The fact he was bringing her to a family-style restaurant was clearly by design – he did not want to make her feel uncomfortable by making her think this was a date.
"So, how was Paris?" Dick asked, once they had ordered their food.
"It was great; I loved the program there, and I worked under an amazing professor, Etienne – I told you about her. And Paris is a beautiful city, and it was nice having a change…" Artemis trailed off, and looked at Dick sheepishly. "I'm not sure what to tell you without sounding repetitive, I mean, I told you about most of it in my emails."
"Sure," Dick shrugged, as if it didn't matter that she had given a lacklustre answer, or he hadn't been interested in knowing anyway. Quietly, he asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"
Great, they'd gotten to the serious conversation portion of the evening. She had gone through explanation after explanation in her head when she was leaving Paris, trying to find the best possible phrasing to answer the question she knew would inevitably be asked, but now, though her perfectly crafted reasoning was on the tip of her tongue, she couldn't say it. "I don't know. I couldn't, I, um," he was looking at her encouragingly, as if she was saying this for her own benefit and not his, and frustration immediately rose within her. "I just needed to go, and I knew you'd try and stop me," she said finally, resisting the temptation to fold her arms and huff.
"I see."
He was acting so perfectly cool, almost slightly disinterested, and that irked her. Two could play this game. "How's Bette, by the way?" she asked innocently, though she had never mentioned to him that she knew about their dating. She barely cared at this point.
"We broke up about a month ago," Dick said evenly, as he buttered his roll. "We're staying friends, though."
Artemis ignored the tiny lurch her heart made and schooled her face into the perfect expression of concern. "But you guys only dated for… four months?" Dick nodded. "Why – I mean, what happened?"
"Well, you know. It just didn't work out. The same thing that always happens. Anyway, it was great, just that we weren't as compatible as we thought, I guess. I'm pretty glad to just be friends."
She bit back the teasing remark that pre-fiasco Artemis would have made – Dick, if he had really been in love with her for years, probably did not need her calling him a dog, especially since that was usually Wally's line. She had never really agreed with the description, anyway. Though Dick did date a lot of women, he always did care a lot about them and was a perfect gentleman to them. She had played along when Wally teased him about it just because it had been amusing then. "I'm sorry to hear that," she said, as genuinely as she could muster.
"Nah, don't be. It was for the best."
There was a short lull in conversation as the waiters served their meals, and Artemis was glad he had brought her here. She strongly doubted she would've appreciated caviar and foie gras right after a long flight, but steaming hot spaghetti carbonara was just perfect. They had just started to dig in when Dick suddenly said, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Bette."
Well. That was neither here nor there. She blinked, "Oh. It's okay, uh, Barb told me about it, so…" she trailed off. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I knew? I guess I should've-"
"We both should've." He caught her gaze for a moment, before she looked down at her pasta.
"Yeah," she looked up at him, and was surprised to see him smiling. Disarmed, she said, "What?" then immediately cringed at how blunt she sounded.
He shrugged, and took a sip of his water. "Nothing. I'm just glad you're back. I missed you."
He still loved her, she realized, in the way she didn't love him (or at least, it was a strange mess in her head that she didn't like to think about). She wondered how she had missed it all these years, and simultaneously wondered how he could have, when she had thought all along that she was insecure and endlessly complicated and could only be loved romantically by Wally, who understood what it was like to work every second to project an image of confidence while being vulnerable and self-doubting on the inside. "I missed you too," she said, trying not to bite her lip.
He called Barbara the moment he got home, as she had made him promise to. "Hello?"
"Hey, Dick. How did it go?"
He slumped down on his sofa and kicked off his shoes, sighing. "It was… I don't know. I'm still not sure if you did me a favour or not."
"Ouch. Not great, then. You don't sound too upset, though," Barbara observed. Through the phone, he could hear the mechanic click of her typing come to a stop.
"Well, we did have a fairly nice time. It was strange seeing her again, and we didn't breach anything serious but at least, well, I don't think she hates me and never wants to talk to me again."
"Of course not. She's your friend, Dick. She won't jeopardize your friendship for the world."
"Yeah. I know. I still have no clue how she feels though. I think she doesn't either. Whether that's good or bad, I've no idea."
Barbara hummed into the phone. "Yeah. I'm sure she's conflicted. You're going to have to have that talk though, sooner or later. You've already put it off for like, a year."
They talked for a while more before hanging up, and Dick fixed himself a bowl of cereal, more out of habit than hunger. He felt slightly better, talking to Barbara always had that effect, but no less confused about what to do. He wished, more than ever, that there was some way to simply switch off his feelings for Artemis. He had hoped at the start that they would fade with time, or as it became more and more clear that Wally and Artemis were going to be extremely happy together for a very long time. But his feelings never wavered, even as he dated other girls he did genuinely like, or when Wally's plans to propose to Artemis became more and more concrete, or even when he didn't get to see her for a year. What was the line? Like the eternal rocks beneath, a source of little visible delight, but necessary.
He and Artemis had communicated via email almost exclusively while she was away, except for one time when she called him out of the blue. He was so surprised when he saw her name on the caller-ID he had almost dropped his phone, which, for him, was a big deal. They had chatted normally, as if she was not in another continent and like nothing happened, until at the end when he blurted out, "I miss you," then immediately cringed at how those three words had sounded too much like a plea to be casual. It was obvious, probably even to Artemis, that those words were substitutes for the three he couldn't say.
"I miss everyone," she had said in response, unsure and tentative. They said goodbye almost right after, and there were no phone calls after that.
Artemis walked out of her bedroom the next day and found Jade sitting at her dining table, casually sipping a cup of tea as if she had every right to do so. "Jade," she said, as calmly as she could, "What a surprise."
"Why, hello, little sister," Jade said pensively, as if she had been meditating over Artemis' best chai tea. "I love this tea you have here. Parisian?"
"Yes. A gift from my supervisor, actually, so thanks so much for asking permission."
"Don't be so sarcastic, Artemis, it isn't becoming."
"While breaking and entering is perfectly becoming," Artemis deadpanned, then sighed, "Sorry sis, just way too early for a house-call."
"Am I to blame? My favourite younger sister didn't even tell me she was coming back from Paris after a whole year," Jade pretended to sound wounded, "How was I supposed to know when was a good time to drop by?"
"Well, you must admit, Jade, you aren't the most contactable person around," Artemis grumbled, as she stuck some bread in the toaster without offering Jade any, then settled down opposite her sister and buttered her toast as if she had a grudge against it.
"Hold on, little sis," Jade said suddenly, before twirling a sai sword in one hand and reaching it across the table, lifting the chain that was exposed around Artemis' neck to the light. "Is that what I think it is?"
Artemis met her sister's eyes levelly. "Yes."
"Did he give you that? Before?"
"I found it a few days after," Artemis said quietly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jade asked, then held her hands up in surrender at the look on Artemis' face. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Artemis, are you still-"
"If you're asking if I still love him, of course I do."
Jade cursed under her breath. "Artemis, why do I get the feeling you're not coping with this as well as you say you are?"
"I'm coping just fine, thanks, Jade."
"Artemis."
She sighed. Jade was trying, in her annoying, obtrusive way, to help. "I just miss him."
"Missing him is okay. Wearing that ring around, like that? Artemis, do you actually consider yourself engaged to Wally, still?"
"I'm not an idiot, Jade, I know how unhealthy that is," she played with the chain distractedly. "I just can't let go of him. Not yet."
Jade frowned, but seemed content enough with her answer. "How about that boy? The second Boy Blunder?"
"Jason? I still feel terrible about that. He was too young. They were both too young," under the table, Artemis clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palm. "He was practically my younger brother. I should have taken better care of him."
In the morning light, Jade looked tired. "You're always going to think that."
Artemis worried her lower lip. "Can you just tell me one thing, Jade? You remember Grandma?"
Jade laughed, "Sure I remember her. Made mom's and my life hell for a few years. How's she even related to this?"
"Do you know why she," Artemis swallowed, "why she loved me?"
Jade furrowed her brow, confused. "That thing Dad used to go on and on about? He was probably just being Dad, y'know, screwing with your head."
"Answer the question."
"Well, I don't confess to know what went on in that crazy bat's head, but well, I guess you were different. We were all ruthless, basically, but you were unabashedly nice, well, relatively, and just yourself no matter how much Dad tried to break you. Does that answer your question?"
"Not really."
"Artemis, you're at a social event, not the execution of your firstborn child," Zatanna intoned, looking disapproving. "You could act a little more cheery."
Artemis was unconvinced. "I still can't believe you talked me into this," she grumbled.
"You've been going crazy with interviews and all, I thought you could use the distraction. I mean, you've been back a week and I've barely seen you because you've been busy all the time," Zatanna pointed out.
"And you thought you'd drag me to a Wayne fundraiser so I'd be so bored out of my mind I'd have no choice to give you my undivided attention."
"Mm, something like that."
"Huh. Wait, something like that?!"
"Oh, hi Zee, Artemis. I didn't realize you guys had arrived," Dick said, stopping as he passed by. Artemis was forced to admit he did look amazing in that suit, but was distracted as she tried to glare a warning at Zatanna. Zee, don't you dare, she attempted to say with her eyes.
Just watch me, said Zatanna's sparkling eyes. "We just got here! That reminds me, I must go find my cousin Zach now. Dick, keep Artemis entertained 'til I get back, alright?"
Artemis didn't even bother protesting. She glanced at Dick, who was trying to suppress a smile, probably having figured out Zatanna's game. She was not really one for subtlety, but Artemis supposed you would expect that from a professional stage magician.
"You look lovely, Artemis," Dick said suddenly, almost startling her.
"Oh. Thanks," she said, self-consciously looking down at her blue satin dress. She had planned on wearing the green dress she wore for every formal occasion, but both M'gann and Zatanna had protested and dragged her on an impromptu shopping trip. "Haven't been to this sort of thing for a while, you don't get much occasion to dress up when you're trying to churn out a masters thesis."
"Well, you're doing just fine," Dick said graciously, the picture of a perfect host. He accepted two champagne flutes from a passing waiter and smoothly handed one over to her.
They were both still laughing and chatting when Zatanna returned. "Well, I see you guys didn't miss me too much," she said, almost too pointedly.
"Don't be silly, Zee," Artemis said quickly, but really, she was having too much fun to be defensive. It was nice just talking and joking with Dick again, she couldn't deny that.
"Well, you can take over the Artemis-sitting now, Zee. I should go talk to some of the guests that just came in," Dick excused himself, gesturing at the crowd of socialites dressed to the nines that had entered while they had been chatting.
Zatanna linked her arm with Artemis' and guided her towards where some of their friends from the team were standing. "That wasn't too bad, was it?" Zatanna asked, not trying very hard to suppress the glee in her voice.
"No, it was nice."
"Hey, ladies, what were we talking about?" Barbara appeared, linking her arm with Artemis' as well.
"That nice chat Artemis was having with Dick just now," Zatanna teased.
"Oooh," Barbara joined in, sounding thrilled.
"Jeez, how old are you guys? You sound like we're back in high school," Artemis grumbled.
"What about high school?" M'gann said, turning as the three approached the group. "Oh, Artemis! You look amazing!"
The subject was changed easily, and Artemis begrudgingly admitted that she did have a lot of fun catching up with her old teammates, and of course, the many compliments she got were nothing to complain about. Sure, she did occasionally have to chat with pompous young businessmen or uppity ladies of leisure, but the experience didn't sour her evening too much.
Dick only appeared again nearing the end. "Oh, hi, Artemis. Were you just about to leave?"
"Kind of, it's sort of been a long-"
"You wanna get a coffee or something first? I could send you home after."
His voice was casual, but Artemis could hear the slight tenseness in his speech. "Um. Sure," she said without thinking, startling even herself. Careful not to look Zatanna, Barbara and M'gann in the eye, she picked up her purse. "See you soon, girls."
She could hear her friends, even Conner and Kaldur, twittering behind them as they left. Tim, looking dashing in his suit, raised an eyebrow as he saw them leaving, but said nothing. "So, isn't it bad manners for a host to leave so early?" Artemis said lightly, as they waited for Dick's car at the valet parking station.
"Not when he has a migraine," Dick grinned.
"A migraine? You look just fine."
"Was that a compliment?"
"No, it was a criticism of your acting ability," Artemis pretended to huff, as she got into the car. "Also, where are we going?"
"Mm, you'll see."
Artemis expected him to take her to some out-of-the-way café that somehow opened late into the night, but was quiet enough for them to talk freely. This was it, after all – the big talk they'd been putting off for ages. She tried desperately not to panic, after all, she was ready for this talk. And if she wasn't, she owed it to her best friend to be. However, she was slightly thrown off when she found herself with two steaming cups of take-out coffee, sitting on the ledge of a rooftop overlooking Gotham City. "Wow. Are all your dates this unconventional?"
"We're on a date?" Dick raised an eyebrow at her, grinning, but in a guarded way that made it obvious he knew the answer. "Anyway," he said, before Artemis' inability to come up with an appropriate answer made things too awkward, "I thought this place was… fitting."
She looked around, realizing suddenly that this was the rooftop where she'd called him out on following her, her last night in Gotham. It was where they should have had the conversation they were going to have now. "It is," she said quietly, patting the spot beside her. He sat, sipping at his coffee. "So let's talk."
"I'm sorry," he said finally. "For what happened that night."
"It was kind of my fault too," she admitted. "I'm sorry."
"It wasn't how I wanted you to find out," he continued, as if she hadn't spoken. "I'd never intended on you finding out at all, really, but since you do now, I – I want to be able to tell you properly. I've been in love with you for well, years, but I can't lose you over this, not again. Without Wally and Jason, I just really need you around and I've missed you so much," he broke off, and sounded like he wanted to continue, but couldn't say any more.
"I'm sorry," she repeated, because it seemed suddenly like the only thing to say, "I'm sorry. I know losing them was something that happened to both of us. I shouldn't have left like that, but I –"
"It's okay. Let's just be honest with each other now, okay?" he looked at her, and when she nodded, continued, "I can handle us being just friends, as the cliché goes. But I need to know first – do you feel anything for me, like what I feel for you?"
"I don't kn-" I don't know. That was the immediate answer that she forced down, and the realization of what she was about to say made her flush. "I don't love you the way you want me to," she amended quickly.
He looked sceptical, but she could see there was more hope in his expression than she had seen before, and wanted to punch herself. "That's not what you were going to say."
"Dick," she said, almost pleadingly, "you know I love you."
"I know that. But that's not what I asked," he stood up, not looking at her. "But it's okay," he said, probably more for his own benefit than hers. "Let's go. It's late." He turned around and extended a hand to help her up, which she, after the slightest hesitation, accepted.
The thoughts come to her intermittently throughout the day, a pressing weight at the back of the mind that occasionally rose up and flooded her with a mixture of dread and fear and something akin to numbness. This was not the way it should have gone, she thought glumly, as she weighed a bag of potatoes at the supermarket. This whole thing should have been resolved at their much-awaited talk.
Artemis dropped off the groceries at her apartment, and sunk down in her sofa before standing up and pacing around her house. She had meant to run so many errands today, but it was a dull, hot day that made her restless to her very core. It reminded her of sweaty summer days at the beach by Mt. Justice, running around in bathing suits with beach balls and scented sunscreen. Today, the memories clung to her like ants swarming over a plate left unwashed overnight and she wanted nothing more than to shake them off, shake off the memory of Wally sunbathing whilst reading the Feynman Lectures, or Jason accidentally knocking over Kaldur's sandcastle while chasing after a Frisbee.
She changed into a tank-top and comfortable shorts, picked up her iPod, some cash and her keys, and left for the park. It was a good day for a run, like those California summers Wally made her wake up every morning at 5.30 to jog with him. It had amused her so much to watch him attempt to hide his impatience when she clearly could not match up with his superhuman pace. She was a great runner though, it had always annoyed Jason that she could always keep pace with him even after he had gotten taller than her.
Being Sportsmaster's daughter, she had been raised to find exercise therapeutic, and though she and Jade had tried all their lives to reject their father's rhetoric, a good run always did help take her mind of things. No such luck today, though. Images flew through her mind, throwing up memories and thoughts she did not need but could not get rid of: her grandmother's hands on hers as she guided her in shooting a target, her sister pushing her out of the way of an avalanche, her mother's old tea set, the strength and promise in Wally's arms as he had picked her up that first New Year's. She thought about the first time she saw M'gann and Conner and realized they were together, wrapping her arms around herself as Dinah attempted to counsel her in the aftermath of the train-for-failure exercise, the expression on Kaldur's face in the early days of the team when he cast his eyes towards the sea.
She did not know how her consciousness formulated these thoughts and threw them at her, but they made her run harder than she had in her life, feet pounding the pavement with far more force than necessary. Did she looked crazed, did people cast strange looks at her as she ran past them? She did not care. She was running from something inside her own mind that was slowly gnawing its way out.
The sun was scorching, possibly even making her delirious. She saw in her mind, suddenly, her mother in prison gathering the courage to keep the husband she still loved away from her daughter, her grandmother braiding her hair and swinging a small bag over her shoulder as she prepared to leave Paris for the States, and before she could stop it, she saw Dick, nine years old on the ledge of a Gotham rooftop, releasing a grappling hook and then, for the first time since he watched his parents die, jumping.
Falling was such a strange and spectacular feeling, everything would be normal until the instant the world spins around you and you find yourself crashing to the ground, quite literally brought to your knees. She barely had time to yelp and attempt to break her fall before the asphalt was digging into the skin of her palms and knees.
"Are you okay?" asked a green eyed little boy with curly brown hair as he toddled over her, his shoes squeaking as he walked.
"Yeah," she replied, getting up and dusting herself off. She only had slight abrasions, in fact, she wasn't even bleeding; she'd been through much worse. "I will be. Thanks."
She was glad she had brought money, because she knew what she had to do now. Even the sun, though it was boiling, suddenly seemed encouraging. She did not even realize how stupid and impromptu she was being when she found herself on his doorstep, knocking. The first thing that made her question her ridiculous, heat-inspired decision was the widening of his eyes when he opened the door and caught sight of her, all dishevelled from the exercise.
Artemis steeled her nerves. "Can we talk?"
"Um, sure," Dick said, opening the door wider. "Come on in, make yourself at home."
Dick's apartment wasn't particularly different from the last time she had seen it – and it was difficult not dashing out of the room the moment she remembered exactly, in vivid detail, what had happened the last time she was here. That had been wrong then, she tried to tell herself, but now it was something that had to be dealt with.
"So," Dick said, after she had waved away his offer of a drink, "You wanted to talk?"
"Um, yeah. I – well. Hmm. I got a job," she said, then dug her fingernails into her palms, shaking her head. "No. Okay. That was not what I wanted to say."
"Well. Congratulations?"
"Thanks," she said, sighing. "Okay. How to do this. Um, in our senior year, Wally and I used zeta to visit Stanford, y'know, check out the grounds and all. We didn't manage to get a tour and all, but we found this map, and we just – just got lost on the grounds. Looking at labs and lecture theatres and gardens and the quad and just walking until we got so lost and it was late, then we found our way back with the map. And 'til – 'til now, it's always been how I've seen love, someone you could just get lost with for ages and not mind. But I've always known you were someone I'd love to get lost with, so with this whole – I just didn't know what this means for us."
He was looking at her not with confusion like she had expected, but with so much light in his eyes it seemed that it would break her heart. He seemed almost amused. "That was how I knew, you know – your stories."
"Knew?"
"How I knew I was in love with you," he clarified, "That time I dropped by your house after you adopted Jason as your brother. You told me that thing about your sister. And then later, when I um, I sorta eavesdropped on you telling Wally about your grandmother. It was like I could find out everything that was out there about you, but you had to give me those little pieces, and every time I got something new it was like discovering something different about you, or an explanation to something I'd known about you all awhile – how much family meant to you, or how unfamiliar you were with talking about your feelings."
Artemis had never given much thought to why Dick was in love with her, seeing it as some effect of propinquity, or the assumption that their amazing friendship could lead into an amazing relationship, or even the kind of hero-worship directed at those a few years older than you. But this was different, and more than anything she expected – he saw her as a person, imagined her in the complex way she knew she was but was afraid to show, saw her insecurities and fears and strengths and loves not as separate layers to be distilled but the meshing that underlay who she was. He saw it all at once and he loved her for that. How could he? And had she even afforded him the same treatment?
She remembered the image she had seen in the park, the thought of him leaping off the roof for the first time as Robin, then imagined a fifteen-year-old boy eavesdropping on her awkward declaration of love to his best friend and somehow finding in that awkwardness something that could be loved for years, remembered the different girls he had dated over the past few years and how he had loved them too – he really had the biggest capacity for love of everyone she knew.
He must have seen the change in her face, if it in any way reflected the change in her heart – something at once seismic, yet subtle, both a realization of what had been pushed deep down and the quiet melding of something new. "I love you," she said, her voice soft, yet sure. Words she had said to him before, in a different context, with a different meaning. But he understood.
She half expected his face to light up, but it didn't; the look in it was something slightly different, yet something she had seen before. Artemis remembered looking up during their final performance as the Dangers at Haly's Circus, and seeing Dick's expression as he waved at the crowd before his leap. It was the expression of someone rediscovering what he had been born to do. "You know I love you."
She had barely managed to shrug off her lab-coat, wash her hands and dash out of the laboratory to the nearest zeta-point when she got the phone call. Dinah and Ollie were already sitting in the waiting room when she got there, looking helpless. They both rose when they saw her running down the hospital hallway.
"Where is he? Is he awake yet?" Artemis said breathlessly, eying the closed hospital door. "Can I see him?"
"He regained consciousness for a minute or two earlier, but he's sleeping now. Doctor says he needs to rest, let his body heal," Ollie explained.
"So, he's stable now? Can I – "
"Artemis," Dinah said firmly, "his family wants to be with him now. Alone."
But I'm his family, Artemis wanted to say, just ask Dick, or Barbara, or Tim, but instead she nodded and sat down, folding her arms. Ollie looked sympathetic, but said nothing – likely, they were reeling with as much shock as she was.
It couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes later, but when Barbara cracked the room door open, Artemis jumped up immediately. "Barb? What's – "
"Come on in, Artemis," Barbara said quietly. Her eyes were red and she looked hopelessly tired.
Bruce sat by the bed, holding his son's hand, with Dick behind him. Tim sat gingerly on the foot of the bed, looking extremely uncomfortable. Everyone looked up at her when she entered, and Dick opened his mouth to speak, but Artemis barely noticed. How could she, when the younger brother she had thought dead for over two years was lying in a hospital bed, breathing, broken, but oh so alive?
"Go sit by him," Barbara urged, and Artemis pulled up a chair by Jason's other side and took his free hand.
"Jason," she could only say, and it was all she could do to keep herself from crying. Not just because she had gotten her baby brother back, but also because – how would he deal with this? How did anyone deal with being dead one moment, then suddenly brought back to life?
Dick had approached her from behind and rested a comforting hand on her shoulder. She squeezed Jason's hand tighter. They felt so much like a family in that moment, and they would help him through this.
Everything is survivable, Jason, she promised him silently.