A/N: At long last. RL has been crazy, but what's new? This chapter gave me fits.
"The cheek? Really?" I can't really blame my sister for being a bit incredulous. The tale defies logic for so many reasons.
"Yes. The cheek."
"What are you? Twelve?"
"Leah!" I laugh, then shake my head. "I'm not even sure I was ready for that."
"Bella," she sighs. "You waited almost a week to tell me he kissed you. Have you been feeling guilty?"
"No," I insist.
"You have!"
"No, I haven't. Not guilty, just, confused?" I'm confused even in the telling.
"First kiss since Riley?" she asks, getting quiet and maudlin in an instant. This is why I don't talk about these things.
"No," I state calmly, the first time I've told anyone that little fact. "There was a guy last year. A bar with friends, too much vodka…"
"Bella! Really? Some random guy?"
"He was hot, I was drunk. And horny. So horny."
"Good for you."
"WHAT?!" I'm not sure I heard her right.
"Good for you, Sis. You're allowed to relieve your own loneliness. You're still so young. You still have a life to live."
I pause before answering, repinning my falling hair. We've been hard at work in Shortcake's room all morning. We've touched up some edging on the paint job, stabbed bubbles in the full-wall Strawberry Shortcake decal. Leah and Jake showed up at eight this morning with my niece and nephew, and all the kids are outside pestering the hell out of Jake and Jasper. Two very patient men, there.
"I think I just wanted to get it over with, you know? That first time after Riley. But it was a bad choice. The guy was everything I wanted him to be: hot, good in bed, anonymous. I cried, though, Leah, for so long after. Cried harder than I had since he died," I confess, wiping new tears from same old eyes.
"Bella, I'm sorry." My sister's arms wrap me up.
"There was never supposed to me anyone else. Ever. That's all it was," I explain to her. I've had plenty of time to mull this over and come to an understanding with myself. "It wasn't really guilt. I never felt like I was cheating on Ri with this random guy. I think just enough time had passed. But I think it finally made the point solid to me. Ri is gone, he is never coming back. I don't think I realized until then that I had some insane hope that things would change. That night was me finally being honest with myself. Finally facing the reality of my new life."
I pull away from Leah and wipe my face on a paper towel we had on the floor to wipe up paint spills. I manage not to get paint on my face.
"And now?" Leah asks, following my sudden pacing with her eyes.
"Now what?"
"Jasper, Bella. Now what about Jasper?"
"Still don't feel guilty," I smirk.
"What do you feel?"
"Scared." And that's the point, I realize. I'm not sure I considered that until just now.
"Why?" she asks with a huge smile on her face.
"Because I really like him."
"But that's great! Oh, Bella, you could do a lot worse."
"I know."
"He's great with Tab,' she points out.
"I know. She is completely in love with him and his toolbelt."
"Aren't we all? Damn, he grew up so well," she grins.
"That is very, very true," my grin responds.
"You're thinking about it, aren't you?"
"Sex?"
She bursts out in laughter, and I have to join her. "Well, that, too. But I meant, you're considering a thing with Jasper."
"Uh, I, I…"
"Because it would be a thing, a relationship," she presses.
"Yeah, with us both. Shortcake and I are a package deal."
"He knows that, Bella."
"I'm not sure she's ready for that."
"Are you sure?"
"No I'm not." I sigh, deciding to just get it out there, say what I really mean. "She would be fine with me dating, I think. But what if she gets attached? What if she really sees someone, Jasper, as part of our life? And what if… Then what happens if…" My courage in the face of personal honesty has run out.
"What if it doesn't work out?" Leah guesses.
"What if she grows to love him, and he leaves? What if one day, he's gone? Leah, how do I ask her to go through that?"
"I don't know. I really don't. But are you going to just be alone? Always? Don't you both deserve happiness?
"We're happy," I snap.
"You sound like it," she drawls.
"Leah, we are happy," I reply more calmly.
"No. Tabitha is happy. Because you make sure she is. You're not happy, Bella. You are surviving the days."
"That's too harsh."
"You're right. I'm sorry. But you are lonely."
"So?" I'm feeling really defensive right now. I wish I'd never told her. Talking about this today, it's just too much.
"I think you're scared that you might might grow to love him," she says shaking her head.
"Maybe, Leah. You don't understand." And there's the biggest problem with this conversation. She doesn't understand. None of them do. They just can't. It isn't her fault, not anyone's fault. It's just the fact.
"You're right. I have no idea," she says, walking toward me, making sure I'm looking her in the eye "But what I do know is that my sister is too young to be finished. You aren't done yet, Bella. You've done a wonderful job of getting Tab through these last few years. She's a happy, smart, open-hearted, well-adjusted, smart-mouth kid. Can it be just a little bit about you?" She reaches out and wipes away an errant tear. She is smiling so softly at me, not with pity or sadness, but with hope.
"Not today it can't. Not never. But not today."
"Okay," she nods. "So. How much longer do I have to wait before you get me a beer? Slacking on the hostess duties, Bella." I love my sister. She, Sue, and Seth are the best gifts my Dad ever gave me.
"Leah, it's not noon yet."
"Details."
Three hours and a completed Shortcake fantasy room later, Leah and I pull up in front of our parents' house, kids in tow. It's Saturday, and the grandchildren have been requested.
"We're here," I announce unnecessarily as I enter the house. The squealing, rampaging children may have announced our arrival, I guess. They're all three so happy to be here. There is nothing quite like being a grandchild in the Swan-Clearwater family.
"Bells! Lele!" Let it not be said that Charlie Swan is not a fair man; I have a nickname, therefore Leah must have one, too. We are both treated to mustachey kisses.
"Hi, Dad."
"Hi, Charlie."
"I'm stealing my grandchildren. We're going fishing on this fine afternoon." There is no actual question in his request. To be a question, he would have to be actually asking something. We are being told what is happening with the slim limited-time-only opportunity to disagree. We don't and simply smile and nod at the grinning man before us.
"Riv! Go hook up the boat!" The shouts of joy bring both laughter from the grandpa and concern from the grandma currently whipping around the corner out of the kitchen.
"Fishing?" Sue asks, eyebrow lifted as she questions Dad.
"Yes?" Now there's a question there.
"Have them back by dinner time. We'll have fish if you catch any."
"Okay. Bye, ladies," he throws back at us as he walks out the back door, securing his lucky cap on his head.
Chuckling, the three of us peek out the window to see Dad giving matter-of-fact instructions to River on how to secure the boat trailer to the truck. He doesn't talk down to kids, my dad. It's one of the things that makes him awesome. Before we have a chance to be concerned that ten-year-old River might not be exactly able to attach the boat securely, we see Dad reach down and give a hand. He never makes Riv feel like he can't do it, just that Grandpa is showing him how. No wonder he, along with Tab and Skye, idolize this guy. They hit the Grandpa jackpot.
"Those children love me best when it's time to eat," Sue deadpans. Leah and I laugh with her until it hurts. Leah has to excuse herself to pee, which only makes me laugh harder.
Wiping tears of mirth from my eyes, I feel a soft hand on the back of my head.
"How are you, Bella?"
"I'm fine," I say, confused. "Why?"
"Oh, nothing," Sue answers quietly, a little sadly, and I realize that my step-mom remembers the date. The understanding in her eyes brings pain, but I love her all the more for acknowledging that today hurts.
"You remember, don't you?"
"How could I forget, Bella. You were so excited that day. So happy."
"Yes, I really was," I smile. It's such a good memory.
"Of course, you were. You waited a while for that proposal."
It was the most amazing day for Riley and I. The best, at the time. We left school, we puttered around, we searched and searched for just the right place to start our grown up lives together. The night we moved into our new home, he proposed. Sue was my first call. Not my mother, though she was next. I just felt that Dad and Sue had weathered the early storms with me - the uncertainty of new love, the heartbreak when he'd strayed, the hesitancy of reconciliation. They deserved to share my complete and total joy, too.
"I miss him, Sue. So much."
"I know you do."
"Thanks for not telling me it's time to move on," I tell her through my watery grin. "I hate that."
"You loved your husband, child. You still love him and always will. That girl you're raising is the best reminder of that love. Riley will always be with you."
I hug her tightly before we sit at the table where she has a tray of fresh cookies for us kids. "Thank you for remembering, Sue. It means so much."
"Oh, I understand. I miss Harry, too. Only you will know when moving on is right. Only you will know what moving on means in your life."
"You are so damn wise," I laugh, trying desperately to cheer up. Tears of laughter and sadness mixed so quickly today.
"Not really wise. Just experienced. I remember that time in my life. Every day. But I love your father."
"You moved on."
"I went in a new direction."
"How did you know it was time, Sue. I don't know how I'll know."
"When you can think of the future more than you remember the past, you'll know. There is a future, Bella. And not just for Tabitha."
"Leah's been talking to you."
"No, I have not," Leah snaps in mocking defense as she re-enters the kitchen. She breaks a smile. "It was Seth."
"Both of you, a conspiracy," I huff, not really mad.
"You like him. Admit it."
"Yeah. I like him. But it's scary."
"I like Jasper very much, Bella," Sue tells me with a twinkle in her eye and a grin on her lips. "But only you can decide if he is a step you are ready to take."
She's right. Am I ready for that step? I think so. I want to be. Tab and I have taken so many new steps this summer. It seems like a good time to take a few more.
A/N: No Jasper, but he will be back next chapter. Bella had to get to a good place first. I don't own Twilight, but your reviews are mine. LOL