Hello, hello!
This part is long overdue but I had to finish All I have first.
Thanks for all the reviews, I really appreciate any kind of feedback!
So, I hope you like this part, too ;3
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John passed the entrance to the hospital and made his way to Randy's room, like so very often since the day they brought the younger man here. A bag with their lunch was dangling from his hand. Salad with grilled chicken and a few bagels for both of them.
Although Randy wasn't able to leave the bed, hell, he wasn't even able to move much at all, he had lost weight lately. The nurses had told John that the younger man refused to eat and it surprised John a bit, because every time he brought food along, Randy ate it. Well, not very much, but he did. So John decided to make sure Randy would eat and he started to already drop in for breakfast, go out to get some lunch around noon and dinner around six p.m. and stayed until eight or nine p.m. That was about three weeks ago and since then not one single time Randy had refused to eat.
A while ago Randy had asked him how long Vince had given him a time-out and just like the moment Phil had asked him that, he'd hesitated a tiny bit too long. And although Randy had called him crazy and a complete idiot and some more names for quitting his job, he seemed to very much welcome the fact that John spent almost the whole day with him and every once in a while there was a small ache in John's heart because Randy still seemed like a starving man when it came to receiving any kind of affection. Randy hadn't asked him again to crawl into his bed and hold him but every day he'd opened up a little more. Somewhere along the line he had started to rely on John.
No, Sunshine, he doesn't rely on you. He depends on you. There is a big difference between those two things, goddammit. You can rely on someone when you have a choice but he has no choice because there's nobody left except you who cares about him.
Phil's words. Words he'd said a few days ago during an evening they'd spend together… Gritting his teeth John did his best to push the words away. God damn yes, there was a big difference between relying or depending on someone. But Randy relied on him because he's had a choice, between being alone, like he'd been before, and let someone back into his life, like he'd done.
Lost in his thoughts John stepped into the elevator, pushing the button for the right floor and leaned back against the wall, faintly registering people step in or out.
The days had been filled with a lot of talking and bit by bit he came to know the real Randy behind the façade and… it made John love him even more. They played cards and stuff, watched TV in companionable silence. Every once in a while they took a nap, always with John sitting beside and half lying on the bed. Okay, Randy hadn't asked him to crawl in again, but hey, completely innocently worming halfway in could do no harm and really, taking a nap sitting on a hospital chair wasn't much comfy. Randy never said a word but sometimes his good hand found its way to John's, taking a light hold of it. Those moments were rare in the beginning but became more frequent during those weeks. First it was only during their naps but then Randy's hand sought John's also while they were talking or watching TV and it was always a light touch, almost like Randy wanted to make sure John was really there. Maybe it was just the need for a bit of closeness, affection and John was very much willing to give him what he needed.
And there was Phil. Phil, who was always worried about him. Phil, who had become such a good friend… and in a way… more than just a good friend. Phil had promised to have his back not matter what. John had successfully managed to silence the voice of reason in the back of his head and almost like Phil knew that, he had become the voice of reason John couldn't silence. And the older man knew that Phil said what he said because he was worried that the whole thing could break him. Still it wasn't pleasant to hear things like he doesn't rely on you. He depends on you. But he was there for John and he gave him much more than just simple friendship.
And while John and Randy developed a routine, John and Phil did, too, by settling for a get-together three days a week. He liked spending his time with Phil because it was always entertaining, calming and a chance to recharge his batteries. Phil made him laugh, gave him the warm feeling of comfort and safeness, gave him a different point of view about the whole thing to think about. Those days were a badly needed balance because no matter how much he wanted to spend as much time as possible with Randy, no matter how much he wanted to help the younger man, make him fight… or how much he loved him… the whole thing was getting under his skin. Much sooner than he would have expected. He would never have admitted it to anyone though. John had promised to walk this way with Randy and he would stay the course and maybe the only reason the whole situation was so damn exhausting was because Randy made no sign to change his mind and John hoped, every day, every minute and every damn second he would change his mind. The waiting and hoping was straining…
Phil stuck shoulder-deep in the fridge, fishing for something that had not been an animal before, not noticing the amused smirk on John's face while he watched the younger man dig through the food. There was a muted grumbling from out the fridge and then Phil crawled out of it, wrinkling his nose.
"Oh come on, you knew I would drop in!" Phil whined and the smirk on John's face grew.
"Stop the whining, I've already made some Bolognese sauce," John said and held his hands up immediately when Phil opened his mouth to protest. "And before you call me a Neanderthal again, it's with vegetarian meat."
There was a short pause when Phil frowned at him in question.
"I meant tofu, Phil."
"Oh."
Phil hopped onto the counter, watching him like a starved dog as he started with the pasta.
"Any news from your construction site?" Phil asked after a moment.
John looked up from the cooker and half-glared at Phil as he replied: "Hey. Don't call him that, okay?"
"Okay, okay, Sunshine, I'm sorry. So, how's Randy doing?"
Nodding the older man focused back on the pasta.
"Same as always, it's getting better bit by bit," John said, but his voice was somehow tense and Phil knew why.
"But still no sign that he might change his mind?" Phil spoke softly, slipping from the counter, stepping up close behind John.
"No. Not the merest hint," John whispered as Phil's arms wrapped around his waist and he leaned back into the embrace.
A soft kiss was dropped on his shoulder and with a low hum he turned around to Phil who was looking at him with eyes as soft as his kiss had been. For a moment they just gazed at each other, before John leaned in and kissed Phil, felt his lips part to grant him entrance and meeting him halfway, they fell into a lazy kiss.
There had not been another situation of almost having sex, but they had grown close, close enough that kissing, snuggling and occasional make-outs had become part of their… friendship.
When the kiss broke, John's arms came up around the younger man's neck to pull him close, burying his face in the crook of Phil's neck. It had been an exhausting day somehow. Emotional exhausting. There were days when the situation got the best of him, when he felt too weak to go on like this. Days that seemed to drain him from every bit of energy he had left. This had been one of those days… The whole day he had drifted between the wish to just crawl into his bed and shut out the world or snap, because it all had become too much. And right now his nerves were singing like an overstretched guitar string and he tried to silence his singing nerves with… Phil.
"You still have time, Sunshine," Phil murmured and rested his chin on the broad shoulder.
"Yeah, I have all the time in the world…" John murmured back. "I'm not sure how much time he has left, Phil…"
With a sigh Phil began to rub soothing circles on the broad back and in responds John wrapped his arms even tighter around his neck. It was somehow odd. They were the same height and okay, John was about seventeen pounds heavier than Phil was but seventeen pounds weren't the world, still… it always felt to Phil like he could get lost in John's embrace. Those broad shoulders and strong arms, wrapping him up completely… Turning his face against John's neck, Phil closed his eyes and while he allowed himself to fall into the older man's closeness, John savored once more the comfort Phil was giving him.
"What about Sam?" Phil asked quietly.
John exhaled audibly.
"Nothing. Not one single word. Fuck… I hoped so damn much that she would allow Randy to see his little girl…" he muttered, heavy disappointment and sadness lacing his voice.
"Did you tell him that you talked to her?"
"No. It would have been too painful for him to hope for a chance to see Alanna, just to be disappointed in the end, you know? He just started to rely on me…"
There was a heavy sigh and then Phil drew his head back, shaking it lightly.
"No, Sunshine, he doesn't rely on you. He depends on you. There is a big difference between those two things, goddammit," Phil muttered in an I-know-it-stings-but-I-gotta-say-it tone. "One can rely on someone when one has a choice but he has no choice because there's nobody left except you who cares about him."
With a hissed great John's arms around the younger man's neck vanished and then John pushed him away, gently but insistently, before moving out from between the cooker and Phil. He walked over to the fridge and helped himself to a beer.
"He had a choice, Phil," John said quietly while turning back to his friend. "Stay alone or let someone back into his life and he chose to let me in."
Phil graced him with a really?-look, plastered all over his face.
"I wouldn't call that much of a choice, Sunshine."
The beer was placed on the counter. With a low groan John tipped his head back, wiping his hands down his face before looking Phil straight into the eyes. The day had simply been long. Too long to end it with a conversation like this. And in the back of his mind John heard the singing become louder again.
"What's your fucking problem, Phil?"
Phil stepped closer to him, but John just grabbed his beer and walked out of the kitchen, leaving the pasta forgotten on the cooker, and over to his couch, where he let himself fall heavily into the cushion. The younger man followed him, stopping about four steps away from the couch, staring at John's back. The broad shoulders seemed to be somewhat hunched, as if he tried to hide…
"Look, John, I'm not spoiling for a fight and you know that, right? It's just… you're about to sugarcoat the facts, okay? And I don't want you to lose touch with reality," Phil said slowly and his voice was calm, soothing as he spoke. "What do you think will happen if his family wants him back?"
Huffing, the older man shook his head lightly and took a sip of his beer.
"Dammit, Phil, I know that you don't like him but stop trashing him, okay?! Do you really think I don't know all that? I know that he'll go back. I fucking know that he'll choose his family, still I was the one who ran to his lovely wife and tried to talk some sense into her!" John snapped, hurling his beer against the opposite wall where the bottle shattered to a thousand pieces. "FUCK!"
Startled by the sudden outburst, Phil took a step back, unseen by his friend. This was so unlike John. Losing control… But there had been various moments in the past weeks when John had acted so unlike him and Phil wasn't sure what worried him more: the things John had done or the mere fact that John lost his control at all.
Gazing at the mess the bottle had left on the wall and the floor, he took a reluctant step closer.
"Sunshine… you devote your whole life to this man and I'm worried what will happen to you if he goes back to his wife and his daughter. I'm afraid that it'll break you. I don't wanna watch you fall to pieces, okay?"
Another huff. John didn't turn around though.
"Well… I guess you should go then…" he hissed as he leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees, burying his face in his hands.
For a moment Phil hesitated, eyes wide as he stared at the older man. Unbelieving he tilted his head a bit to the side and the wide eyes narrowed as John's words sunk in.
"What?!"
He wanted to snap at John, but the word was rather choked out than snapped.
"You heard me. I'm not gonna let him down, no matter if he decides to die or fight for his life and if he goes back to his family, I'll cope with it… somehow. And if it breaks me, so it be. Because it sure as hell is gonna break me if I leave him," John croaked as his voice suddenly failed him. "We had that before and you said you're gonna have my back… but I understand if you decide otherwise now. I'd rather have you at my side, but if you can't live with my decisions, you should go now…"
Silence spread, filling the room, creating a deafening, choking silence as John sat unmoving, face still buried in his hands and the only thing Phil could do was standing there, staring. And while a part of John knew that his words had hurt Phil enough to probably make him throw the towel, the other part hoped that the couch would dip under the younger man's weight any second, that those comforting arms would wrap around him. God, he was so damn selfish… But this part of him hoped so much for it and as much as he wanted to apologize and beg him to stay, he couldn't bring the words over his lips.
The sudden footsteps seemed much too loud in this silence as Phil… left. John heard the rustling of a jacket, heard keys being picked up and the sound of a door being opened. A moment later the front door clicked shut. John flinched at that small sound and he took a shaky breath. He'd never wanted Phil to leave… but…
"Phil…" he whispered and the silence seemed to grow thicker and thicker, weighing down heavy on him.
For a few minutes he didn't move. He couldn't have moved anyway, even if he had wanted to because he simply was too tired. Too drained… Gods, he was so pathetic, sitting here like a picture of misery, pitying himself…
Randy…
The name echoed in his mind and he would have given anything to be at Randy's bed now, holding his hand… and hear his voice… If he focused his mind on that one memory, the moment Randy had asked him to hold him… he could still feel him in his arms…
And so he did it remember, focusing, trying hard to banish the silence surrounding him with that memory…
"You could have at least tried to stop me, you know?"
The unexpected voice made John flinch and startled he looked up, half-turning towards the main direction of the front door, where he found Phil standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. He looked frankly pissed, yet sad and very much worried.
"Phil?" the older man whispered unbelievingly. "Why…? How…?"
Phil brushed a hand over his forehead, before he peeled out of his jacket, letting it fall to the floor carelessly, and walked over to the couch, followed by John's wide eyed stare.
"I never left, you selfish asshole," he growled but without much intensity. "You would have noticed that if you would just have spared one single glance, but you obviously didn't think of it as necessary to grace me with any further attention. Wonderful, just wonderful… I've got my own construction site…"
Stopping right in front of John, he crossed his arms and looking down in those wide blue eyes, he felt his anger deflate. A whispered sorry passed John's lips.
"Yeah, I know, I know…" the younger man muttered as he kneeled down between John's legs, coming eye to eye with John who reached out, fingers fisting into the fabric of the younger man's shirt. "I'm sorry, too, you know?"
With a desperate tug John pulled him in, wrapping his arms around him in a crushing embrace, receiving a surprised gasp from Phil, whose arms looped his friend's waist after a brief moment. Relief and gratefulness flooded John, because Phil had decided to stay despite his words and him being a complete ass.
"I'm so sorry. I never wanted you to go," John whispered. "Gods, I didn't mean what I said…"
Laughing softly, Phil turned his face slightly, nuzzling against the short hair as he replied quietly: "Oh, yes, you did. Well, maybe not the part that I should go, but the whole rest. I knew what I got myself into from the beginning and I know I shouldn't have pushed it. It's just… I love you too much and it hurts me to watch you get hurt, Sunshine."
John drew back a bit, searching the younger man's eyes for a few heartbeats before speaking quietly: "Phil, I… you know that I like you, very much. And I'm grateful beyond words for everything that you give to me, that you're at my side, but… I don't love y…"
Hushing the older man with a slight shake of his head, Phil replied as quietly: "Hey, everything's fine, Sunshine. I do love you but not… that way. I can control myself enough to prevent myself from falling in love with someone who already lost his heart to someone else than me."
With a bitter laugh on his lips John leaned in and rested his forehead against Phil's.
"Then you're much stronger than I was. The moment I realized that I was falling for him, I wanted to stop it... I wouldn't file it under success, I guess…"
He huffed another bitter laugh.
"John… listen… I feel definitely more than just simple friendship for you and that's why I'm so friggin' damn worried about you all the time. I'd rather want to see you perfectly happy in a relationship with someone who loves you back. But no, I have to watch you hope, only to be disappointed. I see you put all you are into this one-sided… relationship and to me it seems that you get nothing back than sorrow. I know you want nothing more than to be there for him, help him, be strong for him and maybe even manage to make him fight for his life but you're suffering and all I can do is pick up the pieces and put you back together. And I'm scared, Sunshine. Scared that one day you shatter beyond a point where the damage can be repaired. And I don't want that. God dammit, I don't want that…"
Phil was cut off by John who suddenly closed the gap and claimed his mouth for a needy kiss and Phil's responds was immediate. Returning the kiss he pressed even closer to the massive body in his arms, his hands finding their way under John's shirt, feeling the by now familiar muscles move under his touch, only to get rid of the offending piece of fabric after getting a first fill. A moment later Phil's shirt followed and John's hand started to roam his upper body, but just as John wanted to pull him up and onto his lap, he was stopped by the younger man.
"Wait," Phil whispered against his lips, before nipping softly at his bottom lip. "I want you to feel good, Sunshine… Let me make you feel good…"
John felt himself being pushed back gently and he obeyed, leaning back against the backrest of the couch, his eyes fixed on Phil's in question. Phil was still kneeling between his legs, running his hands now over John's thighs. There was a determination glinting in the younger man's eyes that made his cock stir, even more as Phil's hands moved further up, over John's abs, nails scraping lightly over the skin, leaving goose bumps in their wake.
"Close your eyes, Sunshine," Phil whispered again as he leaned forward to place a kiss right under John's belly button, kissing his way down and that second John realized what Phil was about to do.
The right thing would have been to stop him but all he could do was watch in a sudden nervous anticipation as nimble fingers started to work on his belt and his shorts and he felt his cock strain against the fabric, begging for attention. Then suddenly Phil paused as felt John's eyes resting on him.
"I told you to close your eyes," Phil breathed with a smirk on his lips and this time, although reluctantly, John obeyed. "Relax…"
A moment later cool air hit his cock and he gasped as talented fingers traced light patterns over his abs, up to his chest to brush teasingly over his nipples and back down to his cock, the touch so barely that it was driving him insane. He allowed himself to fall into those light touches, to get lost and all the strain this day had put on him curled up in his belly, waiting for a release.
A soft whimper fell from John's lips as the younger man's hand closed around his cock, starting gentle stroking, while his free hand traveled up again, his nails scraping over soft skin. And then Phil's lips closed around his cock, his tongue probing the slit, circling around the head, drawing a shuddering moan from the older man. Focusing on this new and gods, this damn good sensation he felt Phil lick the protruding vein under his shaft to the base and back up to take him into his mouth again, bobbing his head up and down. Between John's gasps and moans and Phil's stroking and sucking John managed to bring his hands to Phil's head, burying his fingers in the dark hair and his other hand found the younger man's shoulder, holding onto it.
Although John didn't want this extraordinary feeling end too soon, it didn't take him long to fall apart at the combination of the stress that had weighed down on him the whole day and the unbelievable good sensations Phil was giving to him. That intoxicating combination was pushing him towards the edge, more and more, faster…
"Phil… gods… I'm gonna…"
John never finished his sentence. The knot in his belly uncurled, sending waves of heat throughout his body and he bucked up, arching his back and at the slight shift he felt Phil swallow around him, deep throating him, sending him over the edge. A strangled groan escaped his throat and his orgasm hit hard enough to make him see stars, pouring electricity into every single fiber of his body and Phil took all he had to give…
Slowly he came down from his high, dwelling in the warm tingling of the aftermath and faintly he felt Phil get him dressed again and then nuzzle against his belly while the younger man's fingers started to trace patterns on his skin again. Peeking down he found himself greeted by warm and comforting eyes and mirth was sparkling in them.
"Better now, Sunshine?" Phil said quietly and all John could do was nod and pull him up until Phil was straddling his lap.
With a low hum he claimed Phil's mouth for a lazy kiss, feeling the younger man smile against his lips. The kiss didn't last long and when John drew back, he looked at Phil in question, not sure if his friend expected him to return the favor or… He wasn't even sure if he could bring himself to give a man a blow-job.
"I… I've never… you know, given a blow-job, so…" he started hushed and a bit nervous but Phil shook his head.
"I don't expect anything from you," Phil replied quietly. "I just wanted to make you feel good, okay? Now, stop thinking too much and let's kiss a little more…"
And with that he leaned in to steal another kiss from him and again John allowed himself to fall…
The elevator pinged and the doors opened. John stepped out and walked down the corridor towards Randy's room. After their breakfast this morning the doc had come in for his usual visit and after a brief check-up he'd informed them that, yes, today would be the day that Randy got rid of the splint on his right leg and his left arm and shoulder, provided that the X-ray would be okay.
The cuts and bruises were long gone and with them all the bandages. The only visible signs left of the accident were the splints… and a scar on Randy's forehead. More than once John had placed a tender kiss on that scar while Randy had been sleeping and maybe those kisses were a quiet thank you that Randy was still alive.
They had spent the following hour more or less in silence, just sitting there and again Randy's hand found John's, but this time his hold wasn't light. It was bordering on a painfully tight grip and there was a scared expression in the younger man's eyes, although he should have been happy. And it didn't matter what John said to cheer Randy up, all he got in return was a whispered yes or no or nothing at all, so after a while he settled to just sit close to Randy and hold his hand, running his thumb soothingly over the tanned skin.
Finally two nurses came and took him away. The fact that Randy refused to let go of his hand bestowed John a painful sting in his chest, seeing the younger man scared like this. Eventually Randy let go and John watched as the two girls pushed the bed out of the room…
He could have waited in the room, but hell… he'd been much too nervous to sit in an empty room and wait and so he went out to get some distraction. The distraction turned out to be a new X-Box and a nice and big TV for Randy's room and some more things he'd wanted to buy sooner or later anyway. Afterwards he went to the coffee shop in which he'd become a regular guest in the meantime, where he had three coffee, went to get their lunch and then made his way back to the hospital.
Lost in his thoughts John passed his old friend, the lonely chair close to Randy's room, and it was a hand on his shoulder that made him jump out of his skin and gasp in surprise. The hand belonged to Randy's doc and John exhaled audibly.
"Good god, you nearly gave me heart attack," he muttered as the man held his hands up in apology.
"Well, I called your name but you didn't hear me," the doctor replied politely. "You haven't talked to Mr. Orton yet?"
John shook his head slightly, his eyes narrowing at the question.
"No, why?" he asked a little alarmed.
"See, the X-ray was okay, the fractures are healed so far. The splints are removed and Mr. Orton is allowed to leave the bed, but he has to wear a splint for his back for that time. It's comparable to a tortoiseshell. The splint prevents him from doing movements that could strain his lumbar region. Although the fractures of the vertebrae are healed, he should still be careful," the doctor explained and pinched the bridge of his nose. "A wheelchair should be brought in the afternoon."
"Okay, that sounds good. But why do I have the feeling that there is something else?" John said slowly, his gaze jumping from the medic to the door of Randy's room and back.
The medic sighed and frowned.
"There is something else. We wanted to start the physical therapy this very day, but he refuses the therapy. Vehemently. He said from his point of view it's wasted time."
Wiping a hand down his face, John sighed. The bitchy Randy was back. Once again need for discussion…
"I'm gonna talk to him," John assured and the man nodded and left.
Watching the medic leave, John mentally prepared for the upcoming discussion, hoping that maybe it just had been an outlet for the stress this morning. The physio was important, no matter if Randy agreed to a chemo or surgery eventually or… not. The door to Randy's room jumped open and a nurse came out, shaking her head with an unnerved expression on her face. Okay, urgent need for discussion here. The young woman walked away, leaving the door a crack open and taking a deep breath, John stepped up to the door and… froze.
Through the crack he saw Randy sitting in his bed, propped up against the headboard, but he sat a bit hunched over, staring down on his legs. His left shoulder was hanging slightly, almost as if he lacked the strength to hold it up and compared to his right arm, his left one looked thinner. Amyotrophia… John winced at the sight. The way his friend sat there, hunched… his shoulder, his arm… he looked so lost, broken and it hurt John to see him like this and he wanted nothing more than to go in there and hold him tight. But he didn't, knowing he had to approach this topic carefully and so he reminded himself that with the physio it would be only a short time until the muscles of his shoulder and arm were back in shape.
So he kept standing there, watching, giving the younger man some more time. Randy's hands were resting on his thighs, his fingers digging into them. John didn't need a glance under the blanket to know that there was nothing left of those perfectly shaped legs. The amyotrophia had begun the very moment Randy had lost his ability to move his legs and over the past weeks the silhouette of his left thigh under the blanket had become visibly thinner. John was sure that Randy had been aware of the fact, but maybe seeing his right leg and his left arm also like this had been too much for one day.
For a brief moment Randy closed his eyes. His jaw muscles twitched. And then he lifted a hand to his face, wiping over his cheek. He was crying…
Oh Randy…
Faintly John felt something trail down his own cheek and when he reached up he realized that there were tears running down. When had he started to cry? Turning away, he wiped his cheeks dry and took a few deep breaths. He had to go in there, be there for Randy, be strong.
"Get a grip, John," he hissed to himself, before he straightened up and turned back to the door.
He knocked at the door and waited, giving Randy the time to get some of his composure back, but the knock remained unanswered. And so he called the younger man's name, again waiting for an answer. After a brief moment the answer came, a hesitant and shaky come in. And John did.
The moment he stepped in Randy looked up to him. His hands were resting on his lap, fingers buried in the blanket. The smile he was giving John was as shaky as his voice hand been but at least it was an honest one and smiling back, John walked over to the bed, dropping their lunch carelessly beside the bed and sitting down on its edge.
"So the splints are off. Good," John said quietly, searching the younger man's eyes only to be greeted by the same scared expression he'd seen this morning and desperate grief, but he tried not to let Randy notice that he saw it. "Lemme see."
Gently he took hold of Randy's left hand, while his free hand ran over the left arm up to the shoulder, his eyes followed its trail, and the small flinch Randy gave under his touch didn't escape his notice. But at least he didn't try to pull his arm away. Not yet. Sliding his hand back down, he held Randy's in both of his and he looked back up to the grey orbs. God, how he wanted to make that expression vanish from them…
"With daily physio your arm will be back in shape in no time, Randy."
Sentence finished, he felt Randy pull his arm back, but he didn't let go of his hand and the attempt to free his hand was only half-heartedly, so after a moment Randy gave up, curling his fingers around John's instead.
"I don't want a physio, John. It's wasted time. I'm gonna die and I want to spend the time I have left with something more enjoyable than…"
He was cut off by a painful squeeze John gave his hand and that squeeze and the sudden tense expression on the older man's face made him wince.
"Don't, Randy," John said, voice strained.
Randy's words had stung and the ache lingered in his chest.
"I know that you chose to die, okay? And it's haunting me, every damn single minute, so you don't need to repeat it constantly," John spoke, voice still strained. "But the physio is important. We need to get your arm back in shape because you're gonna need it as long as… you're still there. And your legs will become stiff if they won't be moved."
John reached back with one hand, settling it on Randy's right thigh and with a hissed don't Randy took him by surprise and jerked his hand out of John's hold, gripping the one on his thigh in a weak hold to pull it off. And the ache in John's chest grew...
"Randy… I know it's hard for you but… let me see your legs. I just want to help you, okay? Trust me."
A shadow cast over his eyes as he turned his face away from John, letting go of his hand. His arm fell lifeless to his side… defeated, resigned and the moment John pulled the blanket back, those eyes closed tightly, as if he tried to shut out the world. The image the blanket revealed wasn't much surprising and as John had expected the amyotrophia had done a good job. There wasn't much left of those admirable legs and they would fade even more over the time… His eyes flicked to Randy's, finding them still closed. With a silent sigh he touched Randy's thighs, smoothing over the skin, taking in how warm yet lifeless they felt under his touch.
After a moment his movement stilled and he whispered: "Randy? Open your eyes…"
But Randy kept his eyes closed, brows furrowing.
"Come on, look at me…" John whispered again and with one hand he reached out, cupping his friend's cheek, urging him to open his eyes while his other hand remained on Randy's leg. "Please, Randy…"
Eventually and very slowly Randy opened his eyes and as his gaze fell on John's hand on his thigh, he stopped breathing for a few heartbeats. There was a glint in the depth of the younger man's eyes, some unknown emotion and he blinked, once, twice and a few tears rolled down his cheeks again and his reaction fed the small and lingering hope deep in John that maybe, just maybe Randy hadn't given himself up completely.
Managing somehow to pull up a comforting smile, John wiped the tears away and murmured: "We can't change the fact that you can't move your legs and we can't stop the amyotrophia but you need the physio. I'm gonna ask the physio therapist to show me what to do and we're gonna do this together, okay?"
Randy gave the tiniest of nods, before he whispered the older man's name and his hands came up, fisting in John's shirt to pull him in, pull him close… closer and with a shaky sigh he wrapped his arms around John's waist. John's hand settled on his nape and his other arm around Randy's shoulder and in a helpless attempt to give some comfort he began murmuring soothing words.
Burying his face in the crook of John's neck, he whispered, almost pleadingly: "Promise that you never leave me, no matter what happens…"
John tightened his embrace, rubbing soothing circles on the younger man's back. He'd promised that before but to hear those words from Randy… his heart clenched painfully and he had to swallow hard.
He turned his face against the short hair and whispered back: "I promise, Randy. I wouldn't even leave you if you would go back to being a selfish ass, you know? You're stuck with me…"
There was a soft chuckle against his neck, but that chuckle morphed and Randy's breathing suddenly became faster, shallow and a warm wetness on his skin told him that the younger man cried. The arms around John's waist pulled him even closer and in responds John breathed a kiss to the short hair and then on Randy's shoulder.
"It's okay, Randy. Let go, I've got you… I've got you…" he said hushed, willing all his affection for him into the words and his embrace, because it was all he could do right now… hold him and be there…
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