Heeey! Another update for you!
And thanks to Alonia187, BrightAsNight, TerryHennings, TheGirlInThePinkScarf, Bluestar711, and Guest (whoever you are ;-) for commenting (and being faithful souls)! You guys keep me doing this!
And - *hands hankies to all of you* - maybe I manage to make you cry a little more *hehehe*
And thanks to everyone who reads this!
Enjoy!
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The sound of the soft and steady breathing close to him had become something he craved for, something he needed to soothe his troubled mind. He needed it as much as he needed his warm voice, his tender eyes and those comforting touches he provided. His devotion, resulting out of a friendship he had not wanted in the beginning yet he needed now like he'd never needed anything else before in his life. A devotion out of a friendship he didn't understand or deserve. But this all… he… was what kept him sane right now.
A whisper. His name… And even in his sleep he couldn't let go…
Randy's eyes rested on John's face, watching the tiny twitches, movements as the older man dreamt. John's face was supposed to be smooth in his sleep… but it wasn't. There were fine lines of worry and a certain tenseness in his features. Every once in a while his brows furrowed… or his lips trembled. Randy knew that he was the one who did this to him. He knew that John suffered and sometimes it shone through, but most of the time he was the strong one, holding them both up. But Randy knew that he'd only seen a part of the grief the older man felt. Randy knew how grief felt and he'd learned to read in those once brilliant blue eyes which had lost more and more of that brilliance over the past weeks. Only sometimes it returned to them, at the rare carefree moments, those moments when reality did not weigh down so very hard on them.
Even though Randy had tried to send him away to prevent him from pain and sorrow, John had refused to leave and Randy… had reached a point where going through this without John wasn't an option anymore. The mere thought that John could leave scared him to… death.
In him he'd found someone where he could be who he really was, without having to fear being alone in the end again. He could even ask to be held… just like that. And John? Without hesitation he'd climbed into the bed and held him tight. Or held his hand, just like now. Anchoring him. Even the small kisses here and there, telling Randy almost more than the words John spoke… you're not alone… I've got you. And goddammit, all the embraces, touches, the holding hands and cuddling and the kisses should have felt strange. It didn't though. It felt good and somehow right.
Randy tilted his head a bit to the side as he saw John's features finally relax, watching his sleeping friend more intently. Friend. No, friend wasn't fitting. John was more like… a brother? Maybe even closer than a brother… But the more he thought about it... no. No, even that didn't sound right.
Sighing softly Randy let his thumb smooth over the back of John's hand. John gave him so much and he could give him nothing back.
"You are way too good for this world, Johnny…" Randy whispered.
Sighing John shifted a bit, his hand never letting go of Randy's. His position looked somewhat awkward, half sitting on his chair, half lying on the bed, like always during their naps. Two times John had been lying beside him, holding him and it had felt good. He'd lost count of how often he'd thought of asking him again but although he was sure John would have done it without hesitation, he simply hadn't wanted to strain his friend's good nature…
Yawning, he rubbed his eyes which were still burning from crying. Since John had wormed his way into his life he'd cried more often than ever before in his life. A small and lopsided smile tugged at his lips. John made him cry, but in a good way because every single time he felt better afterwards. Relieved. Again John had held him and when he finally managed to get a grip and stopped crying he'd been tempted to just pull the older man into the bed and hide in his embrace. But he hadn't. Instead he'd let John go, watched him sit down on his chair, holding his hand and after long silent minutes the older man had shifted into his by now usual position half lying on the bed and told him to sleep a bit. Randy had tried to, really, but he simply found no sleep, not even after concentrating on the feeling of John's hand in his.
With an almost inaudible murmur his friend tightened his hold slightly and leaning a bit forward Randy reached out with his free hand and tenderly smoothed over the blond hair, receiving another murmur at the touch.
In the time after the doctor had informed him about the diagnosis he'd wished every damn day that it all would soon find an end. And then came John and at some point he started to hope for some more time and for a while it had seemed like there was enough time. But six days ago his always present headache started to increase again, every day a little more and he knew what it meant. Time was running again and it was running fast. All too fast…
Hoping that he was wrong, he hadn't told John about it yet but the signs were pretty clear and he owed his friend the truth. But not now. Maybe tomorrow…
Right now he wanted to savor the peaceful moment. Again he smoothed over the blond hair, taking in the tickling sensation against his fingertips and just as he drew his hand back, he saw John open his eyes slowly. Blinking tiredly his friend braced on his elbows and his fingers slipped from Randy's, leaving an odd feeling of a loss behind.
"Sorry, I didn't wanna wake you," Randy muttered, feeling guilty for disturbing the older man's much needed sleep.
But John waved it off and wiping his hands through his face he said: "Nah, 's fine. Shouldn't you be sleeping by the way?"
Randy shrugged his shoulders.
"Tried to. Didn't work. Don't know why."
Oh yeah, he was tired. More than tired enough that he should be fast asleep by now but as much as he wanted to, sleep failed him. Probably because he was thinking too much. His mind refused to give him a fucking break.
John looked at him intently for a moment before stating: "Something's bothering you."
Damn this man for being so empathic.
"Yeah, maybe…" Randy whispered back, averting his eyes.
From the corner of his eye he saw John nod, get up and then he climbed into the bed, gently urging him to scoot over a bit and lie down, making Randy stare at him in silent surprise. And it was what he did, just stare while John settled himself along his right side, pressing close, arranging their legs and gently slipping an arm under the younger man's head while his other arm wrapped around Randy's waist, cautiously pulling him close. And then he rested his head on the pillow beside Randy's, looking at him with a thoughtful expression in those still sleepy blue eyes as he noticed him staring.
"Does it make you feel uncomfortable?" he asked quietly.
Calming heat radiated from the massive body along his side, engulfing him like a cocoon. He felt a strong heartbeat where the older man's chest pressed against his shoulder and his warm breath brushed over his neck like a soft touch. And his inner turmoil… it fell silent…
This… this was what he'd wanted…
Bringing his hands up to John's arm he held it tight against his waist and gazed into his eyes, smiling softly. Such a bright blue… and the thoughtful expression faded, giving way to undisguised affection.
Captivated by the sight he breathed: "No…"
"Good," John whispered.
They fell silent, just gazing at each other a little longer until Randy finally felt sleep tug at him and welcoming the peaceful darkness that reached out to pull him in, he let himself fall. The last thing he knew was the feeling of John engulfing him completely and his bright blue eyes full of warm emotions, watching over him…
x
After a two hours sleep it was a knock on the door that disturbed their fitful slumber and calling to the visitor to wait a moment, John noticed that Randy was pleasantly unwilling to let go of him as he untangled himself from the younger man.
It was already late afternoon and the visitor turned out to be the physio therapist with a wheelchair and Randy's brand new and stylish tortoiseshell. Taking the man to the side, he explained that Randy would agree to the physio if John would do the job. A short discussion about insurance issues followed but in the end the man gave up and showed John what to do.
Although Randy's left leg had been moved by the nurses only once or twice a day, the mobility was as good as ever. But the right leg was already quite stiff and they would have some work to do on it until it could be bend at least at a 90° angle again.
Before leaving he explained how to put on the tortoiseshell and how to get into the wheelchair and although Randy kept his face blank and didn't say a word of displeasure, John saw in those by now very well-known and clear grey eyes that the younger man would rather have told the man to fuck off.
After the physio therapist had left the room, John kneeled down in front of his friend who was still sitting in the wheelchair. Randy's eyes were fixed on his legs and his hands were gripping the armrests in a vice-grip and John settled his hands on them, smoothing over them to loosen their tight grip a bit.
"How do you feel?" he asked quietly.
Randy blinked a few times and John felt the tension in the younger man's hands fade somewhat.
"I… don't know… the tortoiseshell is a bit uncomfortable," Randy whispered, narrowing his eyes slightly. "But I feel good… I guess…"
"See? Now, we still haven't eaten the salad. How about having the dinner in the hospital park?"
Randy's head snapped up at the suggestion and he shook his head no, eyes gone from narrowed to wide in a split second.
"I don't know if that's a good idea, I…"
But the older man hushed him with a light squeeze of his hand.
"Oh, but I think it's a good idea," John said decidedly, fishing for the bag with the salad to place it on Randy's lap. "The past weeks you haven't left this room except for a checkup or an X-ray. You need to get out of here for a while. The weather is great and a bit of sunshine might help to make you feel better. And I promise to bite anyone who tries to come near you away. Okay?"
He straightened up and walked around the wheelchair, starting to push it towards the door and as they left the room, there was a muttered okay, mom that brought a smile to his lips. And maybe the fresh air and the sun would really help to lighten their mood a little…
Not even ten minutes later they were sitting in the sun and having their salad. The hospital park was nice and green with a big lawn and a few trees and park benches but the moment they had stepped into the park Randy had demanded a place in the sun and since all the benches in the sun were already occupied, they ended up in the middle of the lawn. They were eating in companionable silence and here and there John looked up to his friend, finding him with his eyes closed and his head tilted back a bit while the sun shone down on him. A content little smile graced the handsome face and it brought a smile of his own to John's face, bright enough to bring up the dimples.
"Feeling good?" John asked, his smile showing in his voice.
"Yeaaaah…" Randy sighed.
"See? I told you, Ran."
"Yeah, you did," the younger man said, sounding almost… happy. "Thanks, Johnny."
Randy opened his eyes and gazed into the blue sky for a moment and the sun refracted in his eyes, making them sparkle like liquid silver. The sight made John pause, fork half-way up to his mouth, sinking back down while he beheld this image, trying to remember it for eternity. With another sigh Randy let his eyes sweep down to John and the smile on his face lightened up as he saw the dimples.
"Haven't seen those in a while," he said quietly, hinting at the dimples. "I missed them…"
Swallowing hard, John willed himself not to avert his eyes in slight embarrassment. Randy was… he was mind-numbing beautiful this very moment, smiling in contentment… and those eyes… his handsome features highlighted by the golden sunshine and then he had to say that he missed John's dimples…
It was a picture perfect moment…
And then John's cell beeped and the small sound shattered this perfect moment. Randy blinked twice and sighed, directing his attention back on the remains of his salad, while John cursed under his breath, fishing for his cell and thinking that he might kill Phil for disturbing their moment, he flipped the cell open. He stared at the screen. He blinked slowly. And then he stared a little more. And then he bit back a loud laughter. Now, after all the time… he had long filed his attempt under definitely a flop.
Okay, John, I agree. Randy can see Alanna. We are around by chance and I guess you're with him, so we're on our way and we'll be there in about five minutes.
John's gaze flicked from the screen up to Randy, who was busy with his salad, back to the screen and he started to type his answer.
We're in the hospital park on the lawn, you can't miss us.
He hit the send-button and tucked it away, pondering on if he should tell his friend the news or if he should make it a surprise. He opted for the surprise and continued to eat, silently counting down the minutes…
Sam wasn't a kind woman, but she was definitely on time. Five minutes later she came walking out of the building with Alanna on her arms, searching the area. Randy sat sideways to them, not noticing anything. Not even as John straightened up a bit. And then Sam saw them, setting Alanna down, pointing on them. Alanna seemed to hesitate a moment, before she realized that it was her dad and with a high pitched squeak she ran towards them. And Randy still didn't notice anything.
"Ran?" John said, nudging his arm and taking the salad away from his legs because those would going to be needed soon.
Randy looked at him in question.
"Yeah?"
"There is someone who's very happy to see you," the older man replied softly, pointing over to Alanna.
His friend's eyes flicked over and it took him a moment to realize who was running towards them. John could see the very second it sunk in. Straightening up a bit, Randy tilted his head slightly to the side. His breathing accelerated and his hands grabbed the armrests. There was a whisper and again, becoming louder.
"Ally?" Randy said unbelieving and he pushed himself a bit out of the wheelchair. "Ally!"
He repeated the name over and over again, pushing himself further up, leaning over as if he wanted to stand up and meet her half-way and maybe it was what he wanted to do… and he would have fallen out of the wheelchair if it hadn't been for John who was up in a blink, holding him back.
"Careful, Randy, you'll hurt yourself!" he warned but his friend didn't hear him, still calling for his girl.
And then Alanna was there, squeaking and jumping onto Randy's lap and right into her dad's arms…
If John's and Randy's moment had been picture perfect, then there were no words in the world to describe this moment now. Alanna had her little arms wrapped around Randy's neck and her laughter was as bright as the sun. And Randy… he held her pressed against his chest, clinging to her little body. His face was buried against her little shoulder but John saw by the slight shaking of his shoulders that he was crying… tears of joy… It was like they were surrounded by a bubble of pure happiness…
After a long moment Randy pulled back a bit, wiping his face dry, before placing a loving kiss to Alanna's forehead. Her answer was a giggle, but then her expression changed to miffed and she gave him a slap on the shoulder.
"Where have you been, daddy?" she asked and sounded as miffed as she looked, but in that smurfette-like voice of hers even that sounded cute. "Mom said you left us. That's not nice, daddy."
John saw shock and sadness glint in Randy's eyes at her words. It hurt John to see it and he wanted to turn around and ask Sam, who had just joined them, if she was happy with what she had caused, but he didn't and bit his tongue instead. Randy hesitated, probably because he had no idea what to tell her. Trying to help him out, John kneeled beside the wheelchair and put on a smile.
"No, honey, he didn't leave you," he explained softly. "Yoru daddy's very ill, that's why he's here, you know?"
She blinked and the pout on her face was replaced by a happy grin and then she kissed Randy on the cheek.
"Gonna make you well, daddy!"
John envied her for her childish carefreeness. She couldn't grasp how severed the situation for her dad was. The only important thing for her was that her dad hadn't left her. And again there were tears welling up in the younger man's eyes but he managed a smile for her.
"Thanks, sweetheart," he whispered and pulled her back against his chest, while his gaze flicked to Sam, before asking: "Why now, Sam?"
Sam shrugged her shoulders and she didn't look the least bit concerned as she watched the scene.
"You can thank John. He… asked me," she explained casually.
His gaze swept from Sam to John, a surprised and confused expression spreading on his face and John cocked his head a bit, giving him a lopsided smile.
"Thought seeing your little girl might help to make you feel better…" John murmured, winking at him and he straightened up, watching Randy mouth a thank you, before he turned his attention back to his daughter.
John stepped back from the wheelchair, enjoying the sight of Randy being in full daddy-mode. Then he felt a tug at his shirt and looked at Sam, who motioned him to follow her a bit to the side and more or less happy about it, he did follow her.
Looking at her in question he asked, as neutral as possible: "What is it?"
She looked him over and pursed her lips, before asking back: "What is the deal for you, John?"
John hesitated, arching an eyebrow.
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, come on, John, all the things you do for him… I just wonder why. No one would do what you do without getting something out of it. So I ask you once more: what is the deal for you?"
Huffing, he pinched the bridge of his nose. This woman wasn't becoming any more likeable…
"You know, Sam, he's my friend and my deal is to get him out of this alive and if not, to get him through this shit the best possible way," he explained clipped.
Loud laughter caught his attention and as he looked over to Randy and Alanna, he saw the younger man laugh, full of joy and it warmed John's heart yet made it ache, because he knew this joyful laughter would end the moment Alanna would go home.
"You know, the evening you came to me and reeled your speech… I don't know, somehow I can't get rid of the feeling that your motivation isn't just friendship," she said slowly and he gazed back at her at the strange implying tone, being greeted by a stony and angry mask. "I'm his wife, Cena. You shouldn't forget that."
Shifting his stance a bit, he crossed his arms over his chest, tilted his head slightly to the side and narrowed his eyes. No, she wasn't the least bit likeable.
"I haven't seen you being his wife lately," he shot back and he saw his comment hit home.
"Yeah, because he did everything to drive me away, Cena."
"Oh come on, that's a poor excuse for what you did, Sam, so stop that shit!" John growled and took a step towards her and although she flinched, she didn't back away. "He never intended to drive you away and since you claim to be his wife you should know that. But you abandoned him!"
John closed his eyes for a brief moment, taking a deep breath to calm down, before he met her glaring stare again.
"Look at him," he demanded, repeating his words more insistently when she didn't. "Look at him."
Tightening her lips to a thin line she let her eyes sweep over to Randy.
"A few weeks ago it wasn't even possible to say a word to him without risking a black eye," John hissed, watching her face carefully. "He came here with a headache and the medics told him that he's critically ill and that he…"
John choked on the words, trying to get them over his lips. It wasn't getting the merest bit easier, no matter how often he said them.
"That he'll probably die," he completed his sentence. "How do you think did he feel? How he still feels? He's scared, Sam. He's so damn scared that he can't even believe anymore that a treatment could be a chance of healing. He's scared that if he agrees to a chemo, he'll go an agonizing way only to be told that he'll die nevertheless and that if he undergoes a surgery, he'll wake up as a living vegetable. That's what he told me, Sam."
The combination of the lingering strain the past weeks had put on him and her behavior set hot anger free, boiling deep within him. And hate. Slowly it dawned on him that how much he hated this woman. Various expressions glinted in her eyes, still she tried to keep up her stony, angry mask but the tiniest of twitches of her eyes told him that his words reached behind that mask.
"Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?" he asked, barely able to hold his voice on level. "He obviously thinks that he'll die anyway or that something worse could happen to him and he wants to spend the remaining time as good as even possible. And the fear of all of this makes him blind for everything in his life that is worth fighting for! He needs someone who pulls him out of this hell and shows him that, dammit!"
Her mask stayed in place and her indifference made the hot anger flare up from the depth of his guts. He stared at her, gritting his teeth. And just as he thought he couldn't hate her more than he already did, she proved him wrong.
Fixing her eyes back on John's with a cold glare, she said with a voice as cold as her eyes: "He has a responsibility as a husband and a father and he let us down, Cena."
Groaning in frustration, he tipped his head back, rubbing his hands through his face. He couldn't believe it. It was like talking to a wall and he wasn't sure if she simply didn't understand it or if she didn't want to understand it, but if he had to guess he would bet she just didn't want to. It was much easier to pretend Randy was the guilty part in this fucking chaos.
"Oh yeah, he has a responsibility. For his daughter. He made sure she has a roof over her head, that you have more than enough money for her and he wanted to be there for her, be her dad, but you didn't let him!" John snapped. "And here comes the funny part, Sam, and I don't know how often I'll have to repeat it to get it into your ignorant head: it would have been your responsibility to be there for him all this time, to get him out of his shell. This nightmare could be a thing of the past and he could be well by now. I don't understand you, Sam. Really, I just don't get you… Randy deserves better…"
Crossing her arms over her chest, she cocked an eyebrow in the most impertinent way John had ever seen. Her voice was sickly sweet as she spoke again.
"And you think you are what he deserves… John?"
"You know what? I don't know," he replied, trying hard to calm down again but somehow it didn't work. "But I think I'm doing quite a good job here."
She huffed.
"Let me tell you what I deserve, John. I deserve a man who cares for his family."
John stared at her in utter disbelief, not believing what he'd just heard. And something deep inside him snapped, setting white hot blazing rage free and he took another step towards her. This time she backed off, the mask on her face wavering, giving way to a shocked expression. Holding onto his self-control John moved away immediately. It wasn't his style to frighten people like that, but to see her shocked like this bestowed him a certain amount of satisfaction.
He pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead and barked a mirthless laugh. Faintly Alanna's crystal clear tittering and Randy's joyful laughter seeped into his mind, dimming the rage within him enough to give him the chance to calm down a bit.
"Huh… I can't believe I have to say that, but he's better off without you…" he sighed resigned, anger fading because it was lost time to make her come to her senses. "You are the victim here? Okay. You gave him up? Fine. You don't give a shit what will happen to him? Great! But don't hold Alanna away from him, okay? Look at her, she's happy being with her dad and even if you don't care about him, you should at least care about her."
With that he turned away from her, unable to stand her presence any longer and walked over to Randy and Alanna, leaving a for once speechless Sam behind. Sitting down beside the wheelchair, he watched the picture of happiness which Randy and Alanna were giving and when Alanna demanded a drive, he pushed the wheelchair over the lawn, with Alanna sitting on her dads lap, making funny car-sounds.
For an hour they left everything behind. For an hour the world was a perfect and idyllic. But reality came back when Sam interrupted their perfect world by saying that it was time to go and John watched the sadness return to the younger man's eyes. A bitter ache coiled up in John's belly.
"You coming home, daddy?" Alanna asked, standing on her dad's legs and her blond hair looked like a halo in the sunlight.
"Not… yet, sweetheart."
His words were faltering, but there was nothing else he could have said to her. To tell her that he probably wasn't coming home ever again wasn't an option… Bringing up a pout to her face again, she looked up to her mom in question.
"We'll visit your dad again soon, okay?" Sam said holding out her hands towards her daughter.
And back was the carefree grin and Alanna leaned in, kissing her dad on the cheek before Sam picked her up. Randy's hands closed around the armrests of the chair in a grip tight enough that his knuckles went white, swallowing hard.
"When, Sam?" he asked choked and she looked him over in a way that would have been offending even if he hadn't been sitting in this damn chair.
"Maybe the day after tomorrow. We'll see."
With that said she turned away and made her way towards the building. Alanna was looking over her shoulder, waving, calling a bye to her dad until they stepped into the building and out of Randy's view. Silence fell for another minute or two while Randy just gazed at the door the two had vanished through. John was standing beside him, eyes fixed on his friend's sad face.
Eventually the younger man spoke again, his voice cracking: "Can we please go back to my room?"
"Sure," John replied hushed and just as he turned to step behind the chair, Randy's fingers closed around his hand, giving it a light squeeze.
"Thanks, Johnny," he whispered. "Thank you so much."
John didn't say anything, just squeezed back a bit. Then Randy's fingers slipped out of his and closed around the armrest again. Their way back to the room was quiet and heavy with lingering joy yet heavy sadness, but the fact that Randy had been given the chance to see his little girl again gave John a bit of hope that something would change…
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Reviews, pwease? *makes puppy eyes*