Hi! Soooo… here's part 13 and we're still on our journey for a while ;-)
I'm sorry it took me so long to post this but I haven't had much time lately. To be precise, I had practically no time. So I'm glad you came back for some more.
I love you guys for all the feedback! I love any feedback, no matter what you opinion is, so: review, send PM's and make me a happy girl XD
But somehow I feel like I need to give an explanation though, you know, why Randy is the way he is in this story. My Randy in this story changes to a very emotional and maybe also emotional instable person and sometimes he might not seem very manly. I know that he is being described as dominant and demanding in most of the stories around here and it definitely fits but out of personal experience with a dying person he is like he is in Angel on your shoulder.
Over the last years there were two people in my life who were diagnosed nasty diseases. One of them died, the other survived. The one who survived never became the person he was before the diagnosis. And both were strong, more or less reserved, demanding persons and had a sometimes difficult personality. I was at their side after the diagnosis and let's make it short, the way Randy changes in this story describes how I saw those two change.
I had to get this off my heart and I hope you don't mind. Maybe it helps understand why I write this story like it is.
Enough of the teary personal stuff now ;-)
Go ahead and enjoy!
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The world around them fell silent. All there was were his words, his eyes, his warm skin under John's touch and a small sound fell from John's lips, barely a shaky breath… Ran… and that small sound brought hope with, bright and golden and so real, so very real. John blinked a few times as his vision blurred, blinking away the tears and he felt them trail down his cheeks, but he couldn't have cared less.
Randy wanted to fight…
That smile on Randy's lips was still there as he wiped the tears away from John's face with the tenderest of touches, as he said his name as tender as his touch was.
"Oh god, Randy," John whispered, smoothing his hands over Randy's cheeks, over the short hair and one arm wrapped around his neck while the other circled the slim waist, pulling Randy close to bury his face in the crook of the younger man's neck. "Randy…"
A wave of relieve and hope, of joy, thankfulness and love surged through him, breaking down all the fear, desperation and helplessness, all the bad feelings and everything the past weeks had caused, washing it away and he cried hot tears and breathless sobs tore from his throat as he clung to his friend. And with a shaky sigh the younger man wrapped his arms around the broad shoulders, nuzzling his cheek against the blond hair. Although he knew the tears falling from John's eyes were tears of relieve, just like the ones now running down his own face, there was a small ache within his chest to see him like this, yet he couldn't help but smile because…
"Everything's going to be alright, Johnny," he whispered against the short hair.
He felt John tighten his embrace, so very much that there was not even a breath left between their bodies and holding him this close the older man sat back on his calves, pulling him with him until he was straddling John's legs. The people around were watching them, some of them even pointing over to them but he didn't care.
"Why?"
The word fell from John's lips barely audible but Randy heard it nevertheless.
Bringing his mouth closer to his friend's ear he whispered: "Because of Alanna. Because I love her and I can't leave her. And… and because of you."
The words sank into the current of John's whirling emotions and thoughts, easing it, slowing it down a bit.
And… and because of you.
A single and choked laughter mixed into the sobs. He felt Randy's hand slip down, running soothing circles on his back and he knew it shouldn't be like this. He should be the one giving Randy comfort. And there was no reason to give comfort anyway because right now it was good. From this moment on it would be alright. Everything would be alright. Still he couldn't stop the tears from falling…
Moments passed by as they sat there, holding onto each other, even when there were no more tears left to fall and there was no need for words. Slowly the world around them came back but neither of them wanted to let go. There was the cheerful chirping of birds in the background and the warmth of the sunlight all around them. Taking a deep breath John inhaled Randy's unique scent and eventually he drew back a bit and searched the younger man's eyes. His hand brushed from Randy's neck to his cheek and with a gentle touch he thumbed the tears away. The days before had been as sunny as the day was this very moment but somehow… it felt like different. More vivid, free.
I love you so damn much, Randy…
And because he couldn't say those words he said the words he could: "Thank you."
Shaking his head slightly no, Randy leaned in and rested his forehead against John's and a soft laugh dropped from his lips that turned into a shaky sigh.
"No, Johnny. Thank you…"
They fell quiet again for long minutes and John had no idea how much time had passed when Randy eventually said that it was time to go and talk to a doc. This moment had by far not lasted long enough as they got up and left their sunny place, making their way back into the building…
Back at the ward they went straight for the nurses' station and asked for a doctor and because they were known all over the place, the nurse instantly went to call him. A medical briefing followed and although the doctor didn't tell them anything new about possible risks, John felt a strange feeling, something between the lingering joy and fear, creep down his spine. The prearrangements for the surgery would take five days.
Five days until this nightmare would finally be over.
Five days until the first day of a happy future.
Five. Days.
Back at Randy's room John closed the door quietly and watched as Randy moved the wheelchair over to the bed quite slowly, partly because of his arm, partly because the wheelchair wasn't the best one. It reminded him that they needed to get one for the moment Randy was released from hospital. When he would be allowed to go home because he was… healed. John's heart jumped happily because no matter what the doctor had told them about the risks, even that there could be a relapse… he was sure that none of it would happen. He had to believe it. After all they had been through it was only fair that everything would turn out to be a happy ending. Randy stopped at the bed and turned back to John, smiling softly at him.
"Penny for your thoughts," he said, cocking his head slightly.
I love you, so damn much…
John would have given anything to be allowed to just say those words but he couldn't and so he did the only thing he could do, put all the love he felt into a save disguise. And so he walked over, kneeling down in front of him and took hold of his friend's hand, while his other settled on the nape of his neck.
Resting his forehead against Randy's he said hushed: "No matter what, Ran… I'm there for you."
Randy's free hand settled on John's chest, holding onto his shirt and with a light tug he pulled him a bit closer.
"Good, because I can't do this without you," he murmured and then he sighed. "I want to go home, Johnny. With you. Please. I need a few days out of this damn hospital until we go for the next round."
Again John's heart jumped happily. Home. Randy already thought of being at John's house, being with John meant being home…
"Anything, Ran," he murmured back. "We're gonna tuck you in now so you can rest a bit and I'm gonna talk to the doc so we go home today, okay?"
And because he couldn't kiss those tempting lips, he placed the kiss close to the corner of his mouth, maybe lingering there a little longer than he should… The little touch created a strange sensation that ran down the younger man's spine and made his heart stumble a bit. And to Randy's own surprise it didn't feel too close. No… maybe it wasn't… close enough…? Randy's fingers released the fabric and John felt them spread until his friend's hand rested flat on his chest and for a split second he was sure Randy would push him away because he had overstepped the line. But he didn't. And ever so slightly Randy turned his face into that kiss, just a tiny bit… just close enough that he could almost feel John's lips on his… thinking that he didn't have the slightest idea why this felt right and… did it matter? No. No, it didn't matter and so he closed his eyes. And felt.
"That would be great," he whispered eventually and then he pulled back, locking gazes with the older man.
John smoothed a hand over Randy's cheek, loving the feeling of the beard stubbles against his palm and then his hand wandered down to unfasten the tortoiseshell. Randy's eyes never left his face, his hand still resting flat on John's chest. Putting the shell aside, John straightened up and noticed a tug at his shirt as his friend's fingers briefly held onto it, before Randy let his hand sink down, brushing in a light touch over John's arm and smiling to himself, John positioned the wheelchair beside the bed and put on the breaks, before he slipped an arm under his friend's arms and legs and lifted him into the bed. Then he pulled the blanket up to the younger man's chest and sat down on the mattress. And Randy did what he always did lately… he took hold of John's hand and held it tight.
"Stay until I'm asleep?"
With a smile on his lips John nodded. For silent moments they just looked at each other and as Randy's eyes slipped shut after only a minute or two, John thought that although his friend was in a better shape than it could have been expected after what had happened, even a simple thing like a trip to the hospital park was exhausting for him. Absentmindedly he watched as Randy's features relax while his thumb brushed tender circles on the back of the younger man's hand and he hoped that the doctor wouldn't insist on keeping Randy here until the surgery.
His name was mumbled, calling him out of his thoughts and he leaned a bit forward, asking hushed: "Yeah?"
"Thanks for… not giving up… on me…" Randy mumbled again, barely audible.
And while the words trailed off, swallowed by heavy sleepiness, John leaned even closer to the younger man and placed another kiss close to the corner of his mouth, receiving a tiny sigh in response. Within seconds Randy's breathing became even and shallow, telling John that his friend was already asleep. His lips still hovered over the spot where he'd placed the kiss, just close enough to keep idea of a touch and closing his eyes he mouthed the three words against the warm skin under his lips.
Eventually he pulled back, sitting up and with his eyes fixed on Randy's face he waited a little longer until he was sure that Randy was fast asleep, before he gently pulled his hand out of his hold and breathed a kiss to Randy's forehead.
"Tonight you're gonna be sleeping in your own bed. Promise," he whispered, before he left the bed and made his way to find the doctor.
On his way through the corridor he found another nurse and bugged her until she gave in and went to call the doc. And because John was determined to take Randy home until the surgery, he talked at the poor man until he gave up and signed the discharge form. Right after John went back to Randy's room, but instead of going in, he sat on the lonely chair in the corridor and retrieved his cell from a pocket, typing a short message to Sam.
Randy's gonna undergo the surgery in five days. He's coming home with me until then. Can he see Alanna tomorrow? Gonna drop him off at your house if it's okay. John
Sending the message he hoped Sam would agree. With a sigh he scrolled through his stored numbers, found the one he was looking for and after a moment of hesitation he hit the call button, dialing Phil's number and he didn't have to wait long for an answer.
"Hello, Sunshine," Phil greeted him. "Sounds like you're still at the hospital?"
"Hey, Phil. Yeah. Yeah, I'm still at the hospital," John replied. "I, uhm… you know, I'm sorry for canceling our date. Yesterday Sam brought Alanna and after they left Randy asked me to stay because he didn't want to be alone. I'm gonna make it up to you, promise."
There was a short moment of uncomfortable silence before Phil spoke again, his tone indicating that he was miffed: "You know, I wonder if you actually still have a private life? I don't know if you remember, but that would be a life that's not completely revolving around this man?"
John winced at the tart reply and muttered: "Phil, please…"
What he meant with those two words was: Phil, come on, we had that before. And also: Phil, I'm really sorry, don't be mad. And because Phil was Phil, he got the message, sighed heavily and murmured a forgiving Sunshine.
"So, Alanna was there, huh? That's great and I guess it made him a very happy man?" Phil continued then, less miffed.
"Yeah, very-very happy," John said, a smile growing on his lips as he remembered Randy and Alanna together. "And… he's gonna do the surgery, Phil."
There was another moment of silence. Then a stifled cough.
And then: "Wow… Sunshine, that's… wow…"
The smile on John's lips grew wider.
"Yeah, wow. The surgery will be in five days and I'm gonna take him home until then, Phil."
There was a low chuckle on the other end on the line.
"I knew if there's anyone who could persuade this man to do the right thing then it would be you, Sunshine. You're gonna take him home today?"
"Yeah, today. Listen, I hope Sam allows him to see his girl tomorrow and I thought that you and I could hang out a bit while he's with them? And afterwards we could pick him up and have dinner at my place?"
Phil snorted and replied: "Sure thing, Sunshine. As if Randy would want to have dinner with me around."
John knew Phil had a point there and he laughed gently.
"Well, maybe you're right but he's gotta live with it because I want you around. Come on, Phil. Please."
Phil heaved another heavy sigh.
"Okay, okay," he muttered and added very softly: "I hope Randy's knows that he's a very lucky man to have you. And I hope that he appreciates it. Appreciates you…"
Even through the phone Phil's voice enwrapped him like a blanket, caring and warm and like so often John marveled at it and if he had not been in love with Randy… he was sure he would have lost his heart to Phil. He had become an important part of his life and maybe he had lost his heart to him… in a way. John's eyes swept over to the door to Randy's room. Yeah, Phil had become so very important, but he loved Randy. And he was sure that he loved him, too… somehow. Even if it wasn't the kind of love John would have wanted it to be.
"I know he does," John replied as softly. "He has changed, Phil."
"Well then, I'm looking forward to meet the new Randy," Phil said, not without a bit suspicion between the lines. His voice dropped to a whisper as he added: "I know it's silly and it's been only five days and maybe I should just keep my big mouth closed but… I miss you, Sunshine. Don't get me wrong, I just, you know, miss you…uhm… Great, I'm sounding like a complete fool… Forget what I said."
Those words wiped the smile off John's face.
Hey, everything's fine, Sunshine. I do love you but not… that way. I can control myself enough to prevent myself from falling in love with someone who already lost his heart to someone else than me.
Phil's words, spoken only a few days ago… yet John had the feeling that there was more than Phil wanted to admit… the more after what he had said now. And he sure as hell would not forget what he'd said.
"I miss you, too, Phil," he said hushed, because it was the truth and there wasn't anything else he could say, although he knew he just shouldn't say this. "Listen, I have to go back to Randy…"
There was a sound coming from the other end of the line, not quite a huff, not quite a sigh and it gave John once more the feeling that there was… more.
"Yeah, sure. Send me a short message when and where?"
"Yeah," John said, feeling bad about cutting his friend off. "I'm sorry, Phil."
"I know. Bye."
John whispered a bye and ended the call. This was heading in a direction it wasn't supposed to and wasn't it his own fault? It was… He had started it, had crossed the line and he knew he should stop it. But… he couldn't, not now. Not… yet…
It took him a moment to realize that his cell was ringing. Absentmindedly he glanced on the screen and blinked a few times, coming back to the here and now as he saw the caller ID. Flipping the device open he answered the call.
"Hello, Sam."
The first thing he heard was a huff and then: "You gotta be kidding me, Cena? A surgery? Why should he suddenly want a surgery?"
Oh, great, always the kind and likeable woman, are we? he thought, shaking his head.
"I don't think the details are important right now, are they? What counts is that he wants the surgery. Shouldn't you be happy to hear that?"
Another huff.
"I'm gonna believe it after he went through with it."
Lost time. Definitely lost time. The last times he tried to talk some sense into her failed and he should probably stop trying it again and again.
Sighing John wiped a hand down his face and said: "Whatever. Now, what about Alanna?"
"Yeah, okay. Be there around 1 p.m.," she replied clipped before adding much softer: "Oh and Cena? Thanks for the info."
The line fell quiet. He took the cell away from his ear and stared at it. An almost nice thank you? Now, that had been surprising. Well, wait and see how she would be tomorrow, nice or… Sam. Quickly sending a short message to Phil to meet him at the city park around 1:30 p.m., he stuffed his cell away and went back into Randy's room, because it was time and he had to pack his friend's things up.
Randy was still asleep and after just gazing at his peaceful face for a minute or two, John started to get Randy's things, tip-toeing around the room so as not to wake him. Having everything packed up, he sat down on the edge of the mattress.
Taking hold of Randy's hand he leaned forward, resting his free hand on the younger man's cheek and said hushed: "Randy? Come on, wake up."
He waited a moment and called his name again, a little louder this time and just when he thought that Randy wouldn't wake up, the grey eyes slowly opened, blinking dozily.
"It's time to go home, Ran."
The younger man blinked a few more times until the information sank in.
"Really?" he asked, a small smile tugging at his lips.
"Really," John confirmed. "Already got your things packed up. So? Ready to go?"
Randy's smile became a happy grin and he whispered an equally happy yeah as he pushed himself into a sitting position, letting John help him get into the wheelchair… to go home.
Not even ten minutes later they sat in John's car. Their ride to John's house was quiet. Randy was pure tenseness and nervousness and he obviously didn't want to talk, because every attempt to get a conversation going ended up with a silent Randy after a few words. So John let him stare out of the window shield and only side-gazed the younger man every once in a while. One of Randy's hands held onto the seat-belt while to other rested on his leg, fingers plucking nervously at the fabric of his track pants. His jaw muscles twitched and the brows were furrowed and John had a faint idea what the problem was. It had taken him a while to realize it, but every time they passed a junction Randy tensed even more for a moment. And so he reached out, blanketing the hand that was resting on his friend's leg with his own. Randy's head snapped around at the unexpected touch and John gave him a reassuring smile.
"Everything's alright, Randy," he said soothingly. "It's not gonna happen again."
They both knew that no one could promise something like that but somehow it seemed to calm Randy a little. When John drew his hand back, settling on steering wheel, Randy reached out and put his hand on John's leg, fingers digging lightly into the thick thigh. His eyes stayed fixed on the older man's face, but just like before he kept silent and the rest of the way Randy stayed like this.
When they finally turned into the driveway the touch on John's leg vanished and the tension faded from Randy's body. John got the wheelchair from the trunk, helped Randy out of the car and brought him to the front door, the silence being their companion all the while. John opened the door and pushed the wheelchair in and when the door clicked shut behind them, he squatted down beside the chair and settled a hand on Randy's, whose finger's closed immediately around his.
"Welcome home, Ran," John said quietly.
A sad expression crossed Randy's face but only a blink later it was replaced by a happy one.
"Two months ago I would never have believed to hear that again," Randy murmured. "Welcome home…"
"And you're gonna hear it again when you come home after the surgery," John promised. "Now, how about a little sightseeing?"
That said they started their round tour and John showed Randy the kitchen, the dining room and the living-room, the utility room, the guest bathroom and the garden. It was a house, nothing all too special. It was big and nicely furnished with everything one needed. The first part of the round tour ended at the bottom of the stairs.
"Our rooms and the master bathroom are upstairs," John explained. "I thought we could get two wheelchairs. One for upstairs and one for down here."
Randy turned a bit in the wheelchair and looked up to John.
"That would leave the stair-problem," he stated, frowning.
"Yeah, well, for now I'm gonna carry you," John said and shrugged his shoulders. "We have enough time to think about a solution. Maybe a stair lift?"
The younger man's face fell. A stair lift. The mere idea of using a stair lift made him feel disabled and he didn't like that feeling, although he knew there weren't much other ways to get up there.
"A stair lift?" he muttered, turning back towards the stairs.
John settled a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it lightly.
"If it makes you feel uncomfortable we'll find another solution, okay?"
With that John lifted him up bridal style, smiling as his friend's arms wrapped around his neck immediately, and made his way up the stairs and towards the master bathroom. It felt strange to be carried around like this. Having John helping him from the bed into the chair or something like that was one thing but this…
"Uhm John, the chair…"
"We don't need it. We're gonna make a stopover in your room before we go back down," John replied as he kicked the door to the bathroom open.
It was a big bathroom. With two wash-basins, a big shower and a really big tub. The idea of a hot bath made Randy sigh, because no matter how often he had taken a hot shower against the pain in his back, it hadn't helped and that sigh didn't escape the older man's notice.
"Wanna take a bath?" John asked grinning and Randy shot him a suspicious glance.
"What are you, Cena, a mind reader?"
"Wasn't that difficult to guess. You looked at the tub and sighed. So?"
"Oh, uhm… yeah. A bath would be great…"
The grin on John's face broadened and Randy couldn't help but smile as a tiny version of those damn cute dimples showed up. Subconsciously he tightened his hold on John's neck. The next room was John's, also a big room with a king-sized bed and by the time they stepped in, Randy noticed that being carried around didn't feel strange anymore. Not even five minutes in John's arms and it almost felt… normal.
John stopped at the door to Randy's room and searched his eyes.
"Ready for your room?" he asked softly and Randy nodded.
He was ready, really. But he would never have expected that. No surprise, the room was big. And there was a king-sized bed, just like the one in John's room, with lots of pillows and a giant blanket and it looked so damn comfy. His eyes swept through the room, over a big closet and a giant TV, over the promised X-Box and a hi-fi and home cinema unit, even a big lap-top and…
"John? A minibar? Really?"
John chuckled and walked over to the bed, cautiously lowering his friend onto the bed, sitting down beside him. Randy let his eyes roam the room, before letting himself fall backwards. God, this bed was as comfy as it looked.
"All nice and new. Do you like your room?"
Glancing over to John he thought that this must have cost god knows how much and stated: "You're unbelievable, Johnny. You really did all this… for me?"
Shrugging his shoulders John cocked his head and replied: "Yeah, for you. Tell me if you need anything else, okay? Oh, uhm, I talked to Sam. She said that you can see Alanna tomorrow."
Randy shook his head slowly, still not believing that all this was real, that he decided for the surgery, that he was here with John in his house, that John had given him this room, that he had made it Randy's own room and that he would see Alanna tomorrow and there was a chuckle coming from deep within his chest, growing to a laughter. And that laughter morphed to sobbing as a sudden wave of emotions overwhelmed him. Worried John leaned down to him and brushed a hand over Randy's cheek and Randy caught his hand, holding it to his chest.
"It's okay, Johnny," he said between the sobs. "I'm just relieved. I'm… I'm so damn relieved. Just… give a moment…"
It wasn't what John wanted, just wait until Randy got a grip on his self-control, but it was what Randy wanted. Lying down beside his friend John waited, his hand still on Randy's chest. The sobbing subsided quickly, calmed by a few deep breaths.
"You okay, Ran?" John eventually asked.
"Yeah, I'm okay." Randy's voice was still a bit shaky though as he spoke. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
Quietness fell over the room as they lay there, both staring up to the ceiling.
But after a few moments Randy murmured: "Wow."
John propped himself up on an elbow, looking down on him and asked: "Wow?"
"Your house. Wow."
"It's an ordinary house," John replied, arching an eyebrow.
"It's nice. And big. Too big for only one person."
"Yeah, well, I'm not planning on being alone for the rest of my life, you know? Besides, you're here, that makes two persons."
Randy's eyes searched his friend's face and came back to John's eyes… those baby blues which were now as brilliant again as they had been in the past, before all of this had happened. Beautiful eyes. Eyes which should draw women in like moths to a flame, still there was no woman at John's side. And he wondered… why? He'd never lost a thought about it before.
"Why are you alone, Johnny?"
"I am not. You are here."
Randy shook his head and sighed.
"You know what I mean. You're good-looking, you're intelligent, a really nice guy and you're still single. Why?"
John hesitated.
"I guess it's just… bad luck. There is someone but… it's a one-sided thing," he muttered, gazing away from his friend.
From the corner of his eye he saw Randy look at him with a sad expression in those grey orbs and he wished so damn much he could just say that it was him he was in love with. There was a tug at his shirt that made him look back to his friend.
"That person is a fool not to claim you on the spot," Randy murmured, his eyes taking on a soul-searching expression.
Those words made John's heart stumble a bit, creating a sweet ache in his chest. With a sad smile he shook his head no.
"No, not a fool. I never told them," he murmured back.
Another tug at his shirt.
"You should, Johnny. Maybe it isn't one-sided. There's always a chance."
Again John shook his head no, brushing a hand through his face as he tried to lighten up his sad smile a bit.
"No, it would destroy everything. It is okay the way it is."
"But you deserve to be happy, John."
"But I am happy."
This time Randy shook his head no and his brows furrowed.
"No, you're not."
John's smile grew a bit and because he was happy, really, the sadness vanished and he reached out to place his hand back on his friend's chest, right above his heart.
"Oh yes, I am. Right now I'm very happy because you are here and…" he said quietly, his voice laced with fondness. "… and because you decided for the surgery and I'm sure that in a year we're gonna sit somewhere, having a drink, not losing at thought about all of this and when we go home, you're gonna walk out there on your own."
Swallowing hard, Randy stared up and into the brilliant blue eyes and there was a sparkle in them, so vivid that he felt the urge to reach out and touch John's face because maybe, just maybe he would feel that sparkle. He didn't… couldn't because if he moved now, the moment would be lost. And those words echoed in his mind and he wanted to believe them, because somehow it felt that with John at his side there was no chance for bad things to happen.
This… this would have been the perfect moment to just lean down and kiss Randy. Really kiss him. And tell him the truth. And John caught himself as he leaned a bit forward, just in time to stop and disguise it by shifting a bit. His hand slipped from Randy's chest and around his upper body.
But their gazes… stayed locked. And it made John's heart beat a little faster… and Randy's breath hitch a bit…
"John, you… I…" Randy began, not really knowing what to say, to put in words what he was feeling and maybe he didn't find the words because he wasn't sure what he was feeling.
Sighing silently John rested his forehead against Randy's shoulder. No matter how much John wanted this moment to last, it was time to stop this before it would end in a disaster and he would do something he would regret for the rest of his life.
"It's okay, Ran. It's okay…" he said, letting go of him to sit up and after taking a sobering breath he turned around and held his hand out towards his friend.
There was something in the depths of those grey eyes. Insecurity? Confusion? Randy's eyes swept to the older man's hand. The moment was gone and it almost felt like a loss. And it was still lingering on his tongue, waiting to be spoken out but he was at a loss what it was. It confused him. He reached out nevertheless, taking John's hand and let himself being pulled into a sitting position. Cocking his head John shot him a grin.
"Come on, the tub's waiting."
Half an hour later Randy sat in the tub, the wonderful hot water soothing his back, while John sat on the floor beside him, both busy with eating pizza because for once Randy hadn't wanted his healthy food stuff. A glass of red wine stood on the rim of the tub and a bottle of beer beside it.
Eventually Randy agreed to leave the tub and although it was only early evening they got ready for bed. Maybe it was because of the strain of the past days that they were both tired, exhausted and so they ended up in Randy's bed, watching TV. John sat with his back against the headboard and Randy lay beside him, propped up on a comfy pile of pillows. After a while John felt a soft touch on his arm that made him look down, finding Randy's head resting against his arm.
"Can you stay… until I'm asleep…?"
Randy's eyes were already closed and his voice was a mere whisper and heavy with sleepiness and he was probably more asleep than awake by now.
"Sure," John murmured, smoothing a hand over the short hair.
Not even a minute later there was a soft snore. John switched the TV off and looked down on the sleeping man beside him. He'd promised to stay until Randy was asleep but that didn't mean he couldn't stay longer and because this was his house and he knew it would be okay for the younger man he remained where he was.
John still couldn't believe it. All of it. But he was thankful beyond words. This was real… And while he sat there, eyes fixed on the peaceful sight, contentment and happiness settled over him like a blanket, making his body tingle and his heart jump.
There was a future now and he held that future close to his heart…
x
The silvery light of the moonlit night fell through the window and it wrapped everything in a soft yet somber mood. Randy's gaze swept over the smooth features of John's face as he slept. John must've fallen asleep at some while he had been sitting there, waiting until Randy had been fast asleep while watching over him. And when the younger man woke up in the middle of the night, he found John in a rather cramped position half sitting, half lying on the bed. It had taken him some minutes and a lot of soft urging until John finally lay comfortably beside him, not being awake for even a second although following Randy's words.
Now they were lying side by side, facing each other and Randy held John's hand, just like he used to, and he listened to the older man's soft breathing. He loved to watch John sleep. A picture-perfect peaceful sight.
John was a handsome man and well-built. Definitely. He was intelligent, funny, loyal, caring, so incredibly warm-hearted… and so damn many more things Randy didn't even found the right words for. One of a kind. Too perfect to be true. Much too perfect…
"I still don't understand it, Johnny. Why? Why are you doing all this?"
His voice was barely audible as he spoke. But really, was it that important to know why John did what he did? Sure, he would have wanted to know but the bottom line was that the only important thing was that John was there. Not long ago Randy wouldn't have wanted anyone in his life and now he couldn't think of a life without this man. John being with him had become… essential. So very essential that there was barely a distance left, although there should be. It would have been normal to keep a certain distance, even though the circumstances were… special. Still he let him come this close. The only person Randy had ever let come as close had been Sam. There were only few things left that made the difference between his relationship with John and with Sam. Real kisses, sex and… love.
The corner of John's mouth twitched and Randy's eyes flicked to the tiny movement. He reached out with his free hand and for a heartbeat his fingers hovered over the skin, before they touched it so very gently… and his fingers lingered there, close to the corner of John's mouth… This small kiss…
What are we, John?
Hesitantly he let his fingertips trail over John's lips. So soft… And those lips parted slightly under his touch and he felt warm breath fan against his hand, but John did not wake up. He drew his hand back and his eyes swept to his fingertips, looking at them. Every single fiber in his body wanted John as close as possible, emotional and even bodily, every minute, every second. It almost felt like being addicted to him. He needed it, wanted it… just like right now and he was glad that John had fallen asleep here, in his bed, that his friend wasn't in his own room even if it was next door. Cautiously he shifted a bit, trying to inch closer and then he cursed silently under his breath, because his damn legs kept him more or less glued to the spot. Sighing he closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again… he looked straight into John's sleepy baby blues.
"Sorry, I… I didn't wanna wake you…" Randy whispered guiltily.
His hand was squeezed lightly and a small smile appeared on John's lips, as sleepy as his eyes were.
"Mmh, 's okay," replied quietly, turning over to glance at the alarm clock on the bedstand. "I guess it's time to go to my own room."
But as he wanted to get up, Randy held onto his hand, pulling him back down and John looked at him questioningly.
Tugging him closer, Randy murmured: "Stay."
"Randy…" John started, frowning lightly but Randy shook his head.
"Stay. Please."
Two simple words, spoken without hesitation. John gazed at him a moment longer. Why not? Why shouldn't he just stay here? Randy wanted it and he sure as hell wanted it, too. He could get used to sleeping in the same bed with the man he loved, really. It would be another step in their relationship, making him feel like they were an item. It was as close as he could possibly come to being what they never would be. A couple. There was another tug at his hand and another, urging him to come closer and John did.
"Turn over," John murmured and Randy arched an eyebrow.
"Come on, turn over," John repeated, more asleep than awake and eventually Randy did turn over with a little help from the older man.
Arranging Randy's legs, so he could lie comfortably, John lay down behind him, spooning him. With a yawn he wrapped an arm around Randy and pulled him flush against his chest and because Randy was taller than him, he could nestle his face against his friend's nape. A perfectly wonderful place. Reluctantly Randy settled his hand on the arm around his chest. Silence fell for a moment and just when Randy thought that John had fallen asleep again, the older man's thumb started to brush back and forth in a tender caress. It felt good. Being held like this. But Randy knew that it shouldn't feel that good because it wasn't normal, being held like this from a friend, a man. This was something he should only share with his wife, not with John. Yet he wanted it and it wasn't just because Sam wasn't here or because she had abandoned him. He simply wanted it and it felt good, so it couldn't be wrong, could it?
What the hell are we, Johnny?
"John?" he asked hushed and got a hum, telling him that his friend was with him. "Isn't this… weird for you? Being so close to a man?"
There was a puff of air against his neck and a small chuckle.
"You're not just a man, Ran. Thought you knew that by now."
Yeah, he knew it. It was impossible not to know it. No one had ever directed so much attention towards him like John did and he had no idea what he would do if that ever stopped. And he sure as hell had not the slightest idea how to make it up to the older man.
"I know." His voice was barely a whisper. "What I mean is, shouldn't this feel… weird?"
Weird. The right word would have been wrong.
"Should it?" John simply replied, although the question caught him off-guard.
The question itself wasn't surprising though and maybe it was long overdue. In fact a small part of him had waited all the time for Randy to ask it, even when the rest of him had hoped it would never be spoken out aloud. Because voicing it could mean that the line had been overstepped… Waiting for Randy to continue he… hoped.
Gazing out of the window into the dreary night, Randy thought that this answer could mean anything. Faintly he noticed that he could feel John's heartbeat, a strong and steady rhythm and he knew that if he closed his eyes now, concentrating on it, he would be asleep in no time. But he didn't. Not now…
"This isn't normal, Johnny…"
"Isn't it?"
"John, I'm serious."
There was a heavy sigh and then John shifted a bit and when he spoke again he was so close to Randy's ear that goose bumps flared all over the younger man's body.
"I don't care what people think is normal or not. This doesn't feel weird or wrong to me. Does it to you?"
Randy hesitated for a brief moment, before he answered, very quietly: "No…"
"Good. So, do you think we should care about what is normal, wrong, weird or whatever?"
"No…"
"See? Everything will be alright as long as we tell each other if something makes us feel uncomfortable, Ran."
The only thing that makes me feel uncomfortable is when you're not around…
It was what Randy thought that very moment, not knowing that it was the exact same thing John was thinking.
"Johnny…" he whispered, not sure if he should ask the question which was lingering on his tongue.
But a small voice in the back of his mind demanded it and he felt John tighten his hold and whisper a faltering yeah, just as if he could sense what was about to come.
"What… what are we?" Randy asked then, haltingly, willing the words to pass his lips.
And again… silence fell. And in this silence a word came back to Randy. Love. He loved John, not like a friend or a brother, he loved him like someone much closer than that but… not like he loved Alanna, or Sam. This was a completely new kind of love… His hand smoothed over John's arm to his hand, slipping his fingers between John's, hoping that his friend would end long moment of silence finally.
If Randy's first question had caught John off-guard, the one now made his heart drop. He didn't have the slightest idea how to understand this question. There was no way Randy meant it like he wanted him to, but somehow it sounded like he did… but that couldn't be. It sounded like that because John wanted to hear it. And the way Randy slipped his fingers between his own made it seem like the younger man might just have chosen the wrong words and was afraid now that he could pull his hand away… And because he wasn't sure what was hidden behind those words, John settled for something harmless…
"We're friends. And I love you," he replied eventually, trying to keep his voice light. As he noticed a slight catch in Randy's breathing he added: "That's what friend's do. Love each other, don't they?"
John's words made Randy's heart stumble a bit. It always amazed him how carefree and without fear John voiced what he thought and felt. He made it look like it was the easiest thing in the world. And maybe it was just that. Easy.
"I… love you, too," Randy said, his voice soft. "You're the best friend I've ever had, Johnny."
These words were true but there was something Randy couldn't put his fingers on that made them somehow feel wrong at the same time. He never saw the sad smile which was appearing on John's face at his words. Although to hear that the younger man loved him made his whole body tingle, Randy's words brought a stinging pain and disappointment with. Best friend. Yeah, they were best friends… but it hurt to be only that.
Be grateful for what you have… John thought, trying to push the pain and the disappointment aside.
He had to be grateful, really. Like so often he reminded himself that what they had was far more than what he ever could have expected. Hold close to you what you have, hold it tight and be grateful…
"It's going to be a long day tomorrow. Sleep now, Ran…"
Placing a kiss on Randy's neck, he nestled his face against his nape again and felt Randy press back against him. Again Randy felt John's heartbeat and this time he allowed himself to fall, being lulled by the steady rhythm and the warmth against his back. And while Randy drifted towards peaceful oblivion, John stayed awake and waited. He gazed out of the window, absentmindedly watching shadows move in the pale moonlight. There was a thing with nights… sometimes things changed and what had felt good during the day suddenly revealed problems and bad feelings. Just like right now and suddenly he was afraid of the near future. The surgery was scaring him because there was no guarantee that Randy would come out of it unharmed, that the tumors could be removed completely. And if everything would turn out good… What if Randy decided to go back to his family? It was his damn right to go back and the way Sam had sounded on the phone before she ended the all... like there was the smallest of considerations of taking him back… but he hoped so very much that this wouldn't happen… John blinked once, chiding himself. It was unfair to think something like that, no matter how much seeing Randy leave would hurt him. All of this still had to happen and maybe, just maybe there would be a happy ending.
While he stayed focused on his friend's breathing, he eventually felt it become shallow and even, telling him that Randy had fallen asleep. Just then he closed his eyes, following Randy into oblivion, holding onto the warm body in his embrace…