So, back again with the next chapter in tow!
LegacyChick: Talking is… difficult. Obviously :3
Hailey Egan Cena: Don't be so impatient ;D
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TheGirlInThePinkScarf: Thank you so much :D And yessss, I'm evil *muharrharrharr*
Julie: Now, I did my best to finish this one as fast as possible AND this time I'm not close to falling asleep. Leaves enough time for a thank you to all of you guys ;D
all other reviewers: Thank you so much for leaving some words, I love you all!
And now, enjoy and tell me what you think!
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Finally he managed to answer John's gaze and he found surprise and guilt lying in those baby blues, wiped away by a defensive and guarded expression in a blink. The muscles of his jaw twitched as he gritted his teeth, as he waited for John to confirm it… yet Randy hoped that he was wrong. He hoped it so very much…
John swallowed hard on the lump in his throat. Those words had taken him by surprise and although there was no reason to feel guilty, he did and that biting guilt shot through him, accompanied by the stinging fear that they were going to break, this very moment because of what had happened the day before. And while he felt heat rise, caused by that very fear, a chill ran down his spine.
"What makes you think that?" John asked carefully and suddenly Randy's lips stretched to a mirthless smirk.
"Well, maybe the fact that it was him answering your phone in the middle of the night," the younger man stated, words shaking slightly. "Or the way he looked at you or how you did look at him. Or… maybe that mark on your chest that hadn't been there yesterday morning…"
Or the fact that he tried to make sure that I'm not coming back here, he thought bitterly.
Involuntary John lifted a hand to the mark. The guilt grew and a small part of him wanted to apologize to Randy for… everything, but then… resistance reared its head. Goddammit, no matter how much he loved Randy, he couldn't have him the way he wanted him and it was his fucking right to be in a relationship if he wanted to. And Randy for sure did not have the right to question that. Phil made him feel good and in return for being there for him John hurt Phil… John's hand sank down again and he laughed lightly and it was as mirthless as Randy's smirk. His mood dropped even more.
The laughter morphed to a calm and daring tone as he said: "What if it is Phil? Is it because he's guy? Or because he is who he is? Why do you care? Tell me, Randy."
The smirk was wiped away from Randy's face as if John had slapped him and the way John looked at him now, the way his voice sounded made his heart pound in unease. This was a side of the older man he'd never come to know before. Right now it seemed to him that no matter what he did or said, things became only worse.
I care because I think I'm in love with you… echoed through the younger man's mind, making his heart pound even harder because it felt like he was, even though he wasn't sure if he wanted that and maybe he wasn't, maybe he was just confused about goddamn everything in his life right now. And that was why he didn't want to say the words, because he wasn't, couldn't be sure. Not yet. The only thing he was sure about right now was that he didn't want to lose John, that he couldn't let that happen, because it would break him.
Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes for a second, praying that he wouldn't make everything even worse as he said quietly: "It's not important if you prefer women or men. It's just… Phil is… he's around you all the time and it is pretty obvious that he has a thing for you and… and when we came back here and he was waiting, it felt like there's more between the two of you and then I saw the mark… I know it sounds stupid but it feels like I'm losing you to him and I don't want to lose you, John. Okay? I don't know what I would do if I… if I lost you…"
John had been silent during Randy's inner debate and he would have expected that Randy had a problem with him being with a man or with the fact that it was Phil, but he wouldn't have expected that… and somehow there seemed to be more behind those words. Maybe… just maybe… And then the younger man's words made a decision for him as their weight tipped the scales…
John's face softened as he replied: "The person I'm in love with is not Phil but he does me good. He was there for me when I needed someone and he cares about me. He's a really good friend. Everything feels easier with him, you know? And the fact that we had… sex… doesn't mean that we're a couple. It's more like friends with benefits and to be honest I don't want to change that. At least not now. But that doesn't change anything between you and me, Ran. Not the least bit. I meant it when I said that I'm gonna be at your side, no matter what, as long as you let me. You're not gonna lose me, okay?"
Randy exhaled a shuddering breath as he leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees and he buried his face in his hands. Time. John had given him time with his answer. Time to sort his own feelings. Time to get rid of Brooks.
He heard a soft rustling and felt a gentle touch on his shoulder, before John murmured: "What I said on the phone yesterday… I'm sorry, you know? I had no right to…"
"No need to apologize, Johnny. You were right with everything you said," Randy interrupted him and looked back up to his friend, his expression sad but there was a small smile gracing his lips. "I didn't think that moment. I guess I didn't think much at all. After all that happened I was finally back at what I thought is my home and a part of me refused to accept that… things have changed. And what you said reminded me of it and I… something snapped… I have no words for how sorry I am, John."
The hurt which had filled John faded, slowly but steadily, leaving only a dull ache behind that he knew would vanish eventually, too. He noticed an odd sparkling in those grey eyes as Randy spoke and it drew John in, made him wonder again… if there was more… His hand slipped down the heavily inked arm to the younger man's hand, curling his fingers around Randy's. And Randy's closed around his in response. For long seconds they kept sitting like this, silent, blue eyes delving into grey ones and with every passing second John felt like, yes, there was more and because it was the right moment and things couldn't get worse, he dared his luck…
Scooting even closer to Randy, John asked quietly: "Randy, I can't get rid of the feeling that there's something else on your mind. You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"
John willed all the love he felt for him into his voice, urging, begging him to say the impossible or at least to give a hint. His hold on the younger man's hand tightened slightly, his heartbeat speeding up as he waited for an answer.
And Randy… his lips quivered as he opened his mouth to speak but no words passed his lips. Good god, he had never even lost the tiniest thought about kissing a man, let alone have sex with a guy. But that had been before John had stepped into his life, before they had developed a closeness which went far beyond close friendship. He couldn't just say it though, not when he wasn't sure. But it would have been so easy, now that he knew that John wasn't as straight as he had believed him to be. He could be so close to John, so very close…
His heart stumbled a bit as he spoke again, willing the words to leave his lips, because it was so very easy: "I…"
… love you.
But the words failed him. No. No, it wasn't easy. It should have, but it wasn't, not as long as he wasn't absolutely sure.
"… miss you so damn much, Johnny," he whispered instead. "Ever since you left yesterday to go to Phil I miss you. And after you went to your room I couldn't sleep and I thought, you know, just sitting here for a while would be okay…"
Randy's voice trailed off and with a sigh he fell silent. He hadn't said the words, but telling John that he was missing him was a start, wasn't it? A few hours ago he hadn't even managed to say that. His heart stumbled again as John closed his eyes and tipped his head back, drawing a deep breath, the older man's reaction unsettling him.
John had hoped so much that it would happen and the disappointment was heavy and bitter, yet he felt warmth spread within his chest as he heard how much his friend had missed him. How much he still missed him, although he was back… home. And his initial plan of sleeping in his own bed, alone, melted like snow in the sun, because if he was honest… he missed Randy, too. Even now that he was sitting right beside the bed. And that was why he let go of his friend's hand and scooted to the other side of the bed, making room for him.
And while Randy watched him with questioning eyes, he flipped the blanket back and murmured: "Get in. I'm tired and I really need some sleep."
He patted the free place beside him twice and made himself comfortably on his side of the bed, closing his eyes. For about half a minute nothing happened and eventually John opened his eyes again and gazed at Randy, who was still sitting in the wheelchair, uncertainty written all over his face.
"What?" he asked, frowning and the uncertainty on the younger man's face grew.
"Why would you want me to sleep here? I mean, a few minutes ago you didn't even want to talk to me and…" Randy said quietly and trailed off as John propped up on his elbow, eyeing him intently.
Why did things have to be so fucking complicated all the time? Even now. A simple thing like come on, get into the bed and grab some sleep…
"Because I love you, Randy," John replied out of an impulse to simplify their situation, because it was the truth and it could hardly get any more complicated or worse.
And if Randy understood the words in their true meaning… that it was the kind of love you only want to share with that one person, that person you want to spend the rest of your life with… so be it. Either he would leave, probably for good, or he would stay… and it would change everything. And maybe John wanted him to understand what he tried to say.
And maybe… Randy did.
Holding his breath Randy could only gaze at John and his heart missed a beat or two as his mind tried to process this last sentence. John had said this once before, because it was what friends did. But this time… this time it was different… somehow. John's words hung between them and they felt deeper. But maybe he was just imagining it because he… wanted those words to mean more?
Once again John patted the place beside him and settled back down, his eyes never leaving Randy's and he waited. At least Randy was still here, so the chances were good that his words hadn't scared the younger man off. Eventually Randy was able to move again and hesitantly he climbed into the bed, settling beside John and out of habit John sat up and arranged Randy's legs, before he pulled the blanket up to his friend's shoulders and slipped back under it, too.
Quietness fell over the room while they lay side by side. John's eyes were closed, without a sign if he was still awake or already sleeping and Randy stared up to the ceiling, focusing on John. He'd left some space between them as he'd crawled into the bed. He was grateful that John let him sleep in his bed and he didn't want to push his luck, so he left it to John to come closer… if he wanted to. But although he wanted to leave the decision to the older man, he wanted to feel him. Tentatively he moved his hand closer to John's, close enough that their hands almost touched. Almost. But he felt him and it was okay. Being here, lying beside the older man was far more than he would have expected a few hours ago. Hell, even a few minutes ago. He felt him, felt his warmth and he heard that wonderful soothing breathing and his familiar scent engulfed him. It was enough for now…
John wasn't asleep and so he felt the small movement beside him and the faint warmth which suddenly reached his hand. After all that had happened it somehow didn't feel right to turn over now and pull Randy close and so John inched his hand a bit closer to Randy's and entwined their fingers. There was a soft sigh in the quietness that made the older man smile into the darkness. And while John allowed sleep to pull him in, that soft sigh echoed through his mind.
On the other side of the bed Randy listened as his friend's breathing became even and shallow and he turned his head a bit, taking in the relaxing features on John's face. Ease settled over him and this time it stayed, soothed his inner turmoil a little. But between the calming waves of feelings and thoughts floated that one question…
Am I in love with him?
Was it really that kind of love? Or was it the love you feel for your best friend and thankfulness for all John had done and he was just misinterpreting his own feelings? His eyes roamed John's face, stopped at a tiny twitch of his lips, roaming further down to his chest. The blanket had slipped down a bit, revealing the pale skin and when his eyes found the bite-mark again, he felt jealousy jolt through him, red hot and flaring. And although he didn't want to, he imagined Phil as he… Randy hissed quietly and tried to push that image aside. But… it left him wondering how it would feel… to be allowed to touch that amazing body everywhere, feel those muscles move under his touch… or to have John's attention directed at him that way… John had given him a foretaste in tiny bits and pieces by all those caring and tender little touches, by holding him… and with his innocent kisses, fueling the wish for more. More attention, more closeness, more… John and he wanted him to be around every damn second on every damn day, forever, and he wanted him close and in every possible way with everything he had to give. He fucking wanted him to be his… His eyes snapped back up to John's face. And for the second time within a few hours a realization hit him.
He was really in love with John.
A smile spread over his face and oddly enough that realization made what was left of his inner turmoil fall quiet and released a wave of relief that rolled through him, although the normal reaction to that should have been to freak, because he was in love with a man. Instead he was lying here and his heart jumped in joy.
But only a moment later his smile dimmed a few degrees. There was still Phil and… that unknown person John was in love with. There had been moments in the past and just a few minutes ago when Randy could have sworn… but he couldn't be sure…
Mumbling in his sleep John turned towards Randy, his free hand seeking their joined ones and Randy couldn't help but shift a little towards his friend to reach out, gingerly letting his fingertips trace the older man's eyebrow, along his jaw and over his lips. There was a sigh against his fingertips. His name.
Cautiously he tightened his hold on John's hand and whispered: "I love you, Johnny."
Randy pulled his hand back and gazed at his fingertips. Three days until the surgery. He had three days to find a way to get rid of Brooks, because the man would most likely use the chance to get his paws on John. Three days. And after the surgery he would find a way to make John's heart beat for him that way. He had to.
Closing his eyes he did his best to blank his mind and focus only on the presence beside him. It didn't take him long until sleep caught up with him and with a soft smile on his lips he followed John into the land of dreams.
x
There was a movement against him that roused him from a peaceful sleep and it didn't take long until the events of the past day and night came back to him and so he was fully awake in record time. He was lying on his side and his shoulder hurt, telling him that he must've been lying on his shoulder the whole night through. Opening his eyes just a crack, his gaze fell on the alarm clock on the bedstand, telling him that it was already 12:30 p.m. and then he gazed at Randy who was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Randy was very close, or rather John was plastered along the younger man's side with his arm thrown over Randy's chest and John noticed that they were still holding hands…
And there was another thing he noticed. It was how pale Randy was and the strained expression on his face. How exhausted he looked. Worried John pulled him a bit closer and Randy's eyes snapped over to him.
"Hey," he murmured.
"Hey," Randy murmured back and settled his free hand on John's arm.
"You're looking pale, Ran," he said then as his eyes roamed his friend's face once again.
"It's the headache," Randy replied and his voice sounded as strained as his face looked.
John's heart dropped at the words and he asked quietly: "That bad?"
Randy only nodded and with a compassionate sigh John reached up and brushed tenderly over the short hair, settling his hand on his temple. His heart ached a bit at the way Randy turned into his touch.
Savoring the touch, Randy tried to concentrate on it and push the headache into the background. Without success. The headache had woken him and since them moment he'd opened his eyes it felt like his head was going to burst any second. The pain was strong enough that he had to bite back tears, dizziness and nausea and he had been glad that John was plastered all along his side, because his friend's presence always had a soothing effect on him.
"Still mad at me?" Randy asked after a moment.
John pulled a tiny smile up and replied softly: "I was hurt and disappointed. But not mad. Let's forget about what happened, okay? You're here and that's important. And now I'm gonna get you some painkillers and then you're gonna have a brunch in the tub, okay? And afterwards I'm gonna give you a massage and if you're up for the physio, we do some and if not, then we don't."
For a moment Randy only gazed at the older man and for that moment the strained expression faded a bit. This man… he had no idea what he had done to deserve him. And then he did something he'd never done before. Turning towards John, he leaned in and breathed a kiss to the corner of John's mouth.
"Thank you, Johnny," he whispered as he pulled back. "Thank you so much."
The kiss left a tingling in its wake, made John's heart pound hard enough that he was sure Randy could hear it and it took all his self-control not to pull Randy back in and kiss him senseless. He willed his heart to calm down and swallowed hard, trying to hold the tiny smile in place.
I love you.
It was what both men were thinking that very second and although they both had said it before, neither of them dared to say it now…
It was John who finally willed himself to start their day outside the bed and with a regretful sigh on his lips he crawled out of their nest and not much later Randy sat in the tub and both man were having a nice brunch. While they talked about random stuff, carefully avoiding the past day and night, John tried his best to hide that he was worried beyond words. Randy still looked so very pale and the strained expression just wouldn't vanish from his face, not even after the painkillers and a while in the relaxing warm water.
After about half an hour they went down to the living room, because Randy wanted to do some physio first and the massage afterwards. Lying on the gym mat Randy watched as John moved his legs, just like the physio-therapist had told him and it was still strange because seeing that his legs were being moved without feeling anything made the whole thing surreal, like it weren't his own legs he was looking at. While his left leg was mobile as ever, his right leg was still quite stiff even though John did his best to change that. He knew how strong John was and it was fascinating to see how dosed he used this strength in the right moments and the right places, how careful and gentle his touches were and Randy wished he could feel those hands… At some point John noticed the way Randy was looking at him.
"Like what you see? Want me to strip for you?" he asked casually and smiled broad enough to bring up the dimples.
And because John had started it and it fit the situation, Randy replied as casually: "Yeah. To both."
Amused but with a carefully neutral expression he watched as John's smile morphed to a smirk and then he stopped his task, cautiously settling the leg back onto the gym mat before he faced Randy. Randy dared him and he wouldn't back down.
"Is that so, Orton?"
In response Randy pursed his lips and cocked an eyebrow, waiting for whatever John would do now. And the older man would so something, Randy could read it in those baby blues.
The smirk perfectly in place John peeled out of his shirt slowly, making sure to give a nice show and while he did that Randy propped himself up on his elbows, watching him with undisguised interest. The moment had a similar effect on both of them… hearts speeding up a bit… a tingling running down the spine... But the situation was safe because, hey, this was a joke, wasn't it?
John's shirt fell to the floor and then he moved to straddle his friend's legs, leaning in, closer and closer until Randy settled back down, lying flat on his back. Putting his hands on either side of Randy's head John leaned over him, and by that moment the smirk gave way to something Randy could only describe as pure and honest affection. The words were lying on his tongue, waiting to be spoken and maybe he was a fool and a coward not to say them, but somehow he couldn't. Not yet…
While gazing down on the younger man John thought that if he leaned down now and kissed him, he could try to simply credit it to the moment. He didn't though and just as Randy he also didn't dare to say the words. But the love he felt for him used the chance and found a way to his eyes. He knew it, felt it, but he didn't bother to stop it. From the corner of his eyes he saw the scar on Randy's forehead. The last visible sign of the accident. His gaze swept up to it and hesitantly he reached up and traced his fingertips along the scar. Every time his mind drifted back to that fateful night, he could still taste the metallic tang of warm blood. Randy's blood…
"You scared the shit out of me back then," he murmured absentmindedly, fingers tracing the scar again before brushing down the side of the younger man's face, over his neck to the spot right above his heart were John's hand came to rest. "I really thought you would die on me."
Randy swallowed a few times at the sudden uneasy feeling as he was reminded of that night. There had been times when he'd thought that it would have been better, easier if he'd died in that car. But that was a thing of the past. Now he couldn't even describe how thankful he was that John had been there that night to pull him out.
"But I'm still here, thanks to you. And I'm planning on being around for a long time," he murmured back.
The younger man's heart was beating strong and steady under John's hand, maybe a little faster than usually, every single beat a reassurance that Randy was alive. Leaning down he placed a small kiss on the scar, like he'd done so often before and as he did that, he felt his friend touch his chest gingerly, probing. He found Randy gaze at his chest as he drew back, eyes fixed on the spot where his fingers touched him. The bite-mark…
Jealousy, anger and unease. Even fear. It was what that mark stirred in Randy. That fucking mark shouldn't be there and what had caused it should never have happened. Gritting his teeth he bit back a painful sting in his chest and wished so very much he could go back and make sure it wouldn't happen.
"If I could make it vanish just like that, I would do it, you know?" John whispered and watched as Randy's brows furrowed slightly.
Covering the mark with his hand, Randy murmured: "It just… it is strange to see it." The younger man's eyes stayed fixed on his chest as he asked hesitantly: "That person you're in love with… is it a man or a woman?"
"A man," John replied then.
There was a tiny acknowledging nod from Randy before he asked: "Do I know him?"
"Yeah, Ran, you know him."
Another tiny nod. The question who it was never came and John was as glad about it as he wasn't.
"He's a very lucky man," Randy whispered and his eyes met John's again.
John heart missed a beat.
"Keep that in mind. Maybe I need you to tell him that when the moment comes," he whispered back.
Tell him! the younger man's heart cried, over and over again. There is a chance! Tell him, coward!
And Randy opened his mouth to say it because there was a chance and his mouth was suddenly dry and his throat raw as he spoke: "Johnny, I… I'm…"
But the words never passed his lips…
Coward.
"I'm tired…" he muttered instead and he noticed how the baby blues above him dimmed for a brief moment.
"Let's go up then," the older man said with a smile on his lips that wasn't quite convincing. "I'm gonna give you the promised massage and then you can sleep. Okay?"
With that John drew back and gathered him in his arms as he straightened up. On the way to Randy's room the younger man had his arms wrapped around John's neck, maybe a bit tighter than necessary and as John placed him on the bed he wished he wouldn't have to let go.
The following massage though was making up for having to let go. Those hands could do magic, definitely. Tugging, digging, smoothing with the perfect pressure at the right points, creating warmth and tingling sensations and it drew little moans and sighs from Randy and he didn't care how it sounded. It felt so fucking good. And because it felt so fucking good and he was still drifting in some kind of an aftermath of their little joke down in the living room he was grateful that he was lying face down… because he felt his southern regions become interested. His eyes widened in surprise, partly because this hadn't happened ever since the accident and partly because it could make things a bit awkward, let's say, when they were lying in the same bed, plastered against each other like they used to do. On the other hand… shouldn't he be happy that at least this part of his lower half was still working? He could see to everything else when the moment came. And so he closed his eyes and with an amused little smile he concentrated on John's hands and let those good feelings carry him away…
x
For about an hour John sat in the kitchen, absentmindedly fiddling around with a mug while his eyes gazed at an invisible point on the opposite wall. The coffee was long cold and he hadn't even taken one sip from it. Close to his hands lay Phil's cell which he'd found on the sideboard in the hall. After Randy had dozed off, John stayed at his side for long minutes, his hands keeping on smoothing lightly over Randy's back and the tattooed shoulders because he loved the feeling of his skin under his touch. Eventually he came down here to prepare the dinner and get himself some more coffee and after sitting down at the table, his mind had narrowed on a few thoughts which simply wouldn't leave him alone.
There was Phil… he still couldn't believe that Phil was in love with him. It all had started out so easy and without a sign that it would become this complicated. His words… that he hoped that they could be more, that after a while he maybe could love him. And maybe if it wasn't for Randy there would be a chance that it could be like this, but not under the given circumstances. It had almost killed John to leave him behind like he did last night. To say no. Groaning quietly John pushed the mug away and wiped his hands down his face. He wanted to talk with the younger man about what had happened and the cell gave him an excuse to contact him but he had no idea what to say to Phil or how to apologize. He had no fucking idea what to do at all.
And then Randy's headache. The way Randy had looked was giving cause for concern. The fact that the headache increased more and more… Nausea, dizziness… Three days until the surgery and now it was becoming worse. Why couldn't it just stagnate? Three days and everything would have been okay, but no, instead he had to worry. The doc's words were always there, in the background… what could happen when the tumors grew. There was always that what if creeping behind them like some ugly creature. What if something happened during the surgery? What if it was too late? He stealthily tried to ignore the fact that the moment he would say his see you later to Randy, the moment they would take him to the surgery could be the last time he saw him. It fucking scared him.
All the more he was a coward for not saying that he loved him. A sad smile tugged at John's lips. The only difference between the kind of relationship he wished they had and the one they did have was real kisses, sex and the words. He should have told him this afternoon. It had been a good moment… Because again Randy had given him the feeling that there was more. Maybe he simply should have kissed him…
So many should haves… So many wasted moments…
There was a sound knocking at his busy mind, asking for attention. Blinking a few times he freed himself from the haze of those thoughts and it took him a second to realize that the sound was the doorbell. John got up from his chair and went over to open the door.
It was Phil and the second his eyes fell on the younger man and at the guarded expression Phil wore John felt the lingering guilt rear up and before he could say even one word Phil stepped in, letting his eyes roam the hall.
"I forgot my cell," Phil said quietly.
"Yeah, I found it," John replied as quietly. "Wait a second."
His mind raced to find the right words to apologize as he walked over to the kitchen table, fetching the small device. When he came back to Phil he was still at a loss. Muttering a thanks Phil took the cell out of the older man's resisting fingers and turned to leave. And because John didn't want him to go like this, he said something.
"I told Randy about us," John stated, effectively stopping Phil's retreat with his words.
With an incredulous expression plastered to his face Phil turned towards John and stared at him, searched his face for a hint that it was a joke. He found none.
"You… you are kidding me?" Phil uttered then.
"No, I'm not," the older man stated slowly. "But it doesn't change anything, Phil. I still love him and we're still gonna sleep in the same bed if we want to and if I get the chance to hold him, I'm gonna do it. And if the most improbable situation occurs and he tells me that he's in love with me, I'm gonna take that chance."
While John spoke he watched various expressions cross Phil's face and he saw something shift in his eyes. At some point his friend began to chew on his lip-ring and John wasn't sure if he did it out of nervousness or thoughtfulness.
"I know that preferring him over you is not fair and it's gonna hurt you over and over again and that's why I think jumping into a relationship on the off chance isn't a good idea," John continued and with a sigh he brushed his hands over his face. "It'll only make things worse. I can't promise that there will ever be more from my side than… friendship. I've hurt you enough, Phil. We should stop this because I don't want to lose you as my friend, okay?"
John fell silent, waiting for a reaction from Phil who still stared at him and then began to nod slowly. Then the younger man puffed a tiny laughter that didn't sound much amused and crossed his arms over his chest.
"No, Sunshine. To be honest I don't want this to stop," Phil said and a crooked smile tugged at his lips. "You know, all I did since I left last night was thinking. I overreacted and what I said was foolish. We can go on like we did the whole time. I don't expect anything from you. It is okay for me, really. And I know if he ever says that he loves you… that this thing between us ends. But I don't want it to end now. I… I just had no idea how to tell you this."
Tilting his head a bit to the side, because he couldn't understand why Phil would want this, he stepped up to his friend and his eyes roamed the so very well-known face.
"Phil, you'll only get hurt and disappointed and…"
Phil hushed him with a curt shake of his head and replied: "Just as you when it comes to Randy. And still you want it. Stop thinking too much, Sunshine. I knew what I was getting myself into back then and I know it now. I want us to go on like we did and I promise if the time comes, I won't make a scene. Okay?"
The label on this suggestion was pretty clear and it said: mistake. But it would have been a lie to say John wouldn't want to repeat their little bed-time and so he pushed that thought back and forth, turned in in every possible direction and ignored all the warning-signs, because Phil always made him feel good and although he was getting closer and closer to Randy, although it felt like there might be a chance that the impossible could happen, he knew all too well that it was more likely wishful thinking.
Eventually John scratched the back of his head and murmured: "Okay. But I'm not promising anything."
"So," Phil said, drawing the word out as his eyes roamed John's face, stopping at his lips. "If I kissed you now it would be absolutely okay, even if he saw us?"
A smirk stretched over John's lips and he arched an eyebrow as he saw the green eyes sparkle.
"Yeah, I guess that would be absolutely okay, " John murmured and he didn't give any resistance as Phil's hands came up to his chest, pushing him backwards until his back hit the wall or as the younger man claimed his lips in a demanding yet gentle kiss.
John's arms came up, circling the younger man's waist in a loose embrace as he gave into that kiss. They didn't notice Randy coming from his room to the top of the stairs or as he froze the very moment his eyes caught them. A shadow cast over his face as jealousy reared its ugly head and every damn fiber of his body screamed to do something, anything and closing his eyes against the sight, he put his hands on his legs and dug his fingers into the dead flesh and willed them to move. His grip was hard enough to leave bruises… but there was nothing. Nothing.
And just as he opened his eyes again, he saw as Phil left John's lips to turn his attention to the older man's neck, his hands slipping under his shirt as he pressed up against John's broad frame and it was the very moment John's gaze swept up to him. Guilt crossed his face as he saw Randy and he muttered a stop to Phil, gently pushing him away when he didn't stop. Confused Phil blinked at him and then followed his gaze, arching an eyebrow as he saw the reason for the sudden interruption. Randy stared at them for long seconds before he turned the wheelchair and went back to his room, not able to stand the sight any longer.
"I thought he knows about us?" Phil asked, the arched eyebrow perfectly in place as he looked back to John.
"He does know about us," John replied absentmindedly as he kept staring to the place where Randy had been, the guilt that was weighing down on him heavy enough to be crushing.
"So why do you push me away?" the younger man wanted to know as he stepped into John's view.
John blinked once and focused on the inquiring green eyes.
"Because kisses are one thing, but a make-out session in front of him is something else, okay?" John said, wiping his hands down his face.
Sighing Phil nodded and shot John a crooked smile.
"I guess you're right, Sunshine. You wanna go to him and talk about it?"
"Yeah," John replied quietly. "Wanna stay for dinner?"
The younger man grinned and asked: "Kisses included?"
Pecking Phil on the lips he whispered a yeah and left to talk to Randy. He heard Phil chuckle lightly while making his way up the stairs.
With a slightly uneasy feeling in the pit of his guts he stepped into Randy's room and found the younger man by the window, gazing out. Squatting down in front of the wheelchair he put his hands on Randy's, which rested on his legs and searched his eyes. Carefully blank eyes. To John's surprise Randy spoke before he could.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I didn't want to disturb."
John frowned and shook his head slightly no.
"No need to be sorry," the older man replied quietly. "Having a make-out session in the hall isn't okay, so if someone has to be sorry, then it's me. So, I'm sorry, okay?"
Now it was Randy's turn to shake his head no.
"No, Johnny, it's okay. You told me about Phil. I should have expected something like that," Randy sighed.
It's not your fault that I'm too damn gutless to spill the truth…
With a hum John lifted a hand and smoothed over Randy's hair down to his nape, where his thumb brushed over the soft hair there.
"How's the head?" he asked, noticing that his friend was still pale.
Randy's hands came up, grabbing the front of the older man's shirt to pull him in and with a deep breath he rested his forehead against John's.
"Now it's a little better," he whispered a bit shakily.
And because he closed his eyes, he didn't see the deeply worried expression cross John's face. The fact that the headache was still so very bad was far beyond being not good.
After a moment Randy asked: "I guess Brooks is gonna stay for dinner?"
"Yeah, I asked him."
Randy couldn't help but groan quietly but because John wanted Phil to stay he promised: "Okay, I'll behave."
For now, he added in his thoughts.
"Thanks, Ran. Let's go down?"
At the muttered yeah from his friend he smiled, despite the still lingering uneasy feeling in the pit of his guts, and got up to move the wheelchair to the stairs. As he carried him down he found Phil waiting in the hall with a thoughtful expression all over his face.
The dinner went comparatively smooth with John literally caught in the middle, sitting between Randy and Phil. But both men behaved. After the dinner they moved to the living room and the evening went as smooth as the dinner, although Randy was noticeable quiet. During the evening John noticed his friend rub his temples more often and at some point a deep exhaustion became visible. But when John asked if he wanted to go to his room, he just shook his head no. Eventually John couldn't stand the sight anymore and excused himself to get Randy some painkillers and some water and went to the kitchen.
Randy watched as Phil followed John to the kitchen and with a bitter taste on his tongue and a bad feeling in his guts he also watched as Phil stepped up behind the older man, put a hand on a broad shoulder to turn him around and he locked his arms around his neck to pull him in for a kiss. And he watched as John's hands found a place on Phil's hips, pulling him closer. Randy gritted his teeth. He fucking wanted to knock Brooks' lights out and kick his own ass because, hey, all it would take was to ask John to leave Phil out of their lives because he was in love with him, goddammit. Pissed with the situation in general and with himself and Brooks in particular he forced himself to turn away from the sight and with a hissed fuck he grabbed his beer from the table.
His heart stopped beating as he felt the bottle slip from his fingers, colliding with the edge of the table and with a high-pitched shattering sound it burst into hundreds of pieces…
It was that sound coming from the living-room that made John flinch and he broke the kiss and pushed Phil away, maybe with a little more force than necessary, but he didn't even notice. With a few quick strides he was back in the living-room and the sight that greeted him made him stop in his tracks. Randy still sat on the couch, slightly leaning forward as he stared at his right hand with wide eyes. There was a puddle of beer around his feet and shards were lying in it, even partly on the table.
"Randy? What happened?" John asked worried and saw his friend flinch and look up to him.
The expression on Randy's face shook him to the core. He'd been pale all the day, but now he was white as a sheet and bright fear shone in his eyes. Willing his feet to move, he made the last meters as fast as possible and kneeled down in front of the younger man, ignoring the stinging, cutting pain in his knees.
Settling a soothing hand on Randy's cheek, he asked again: "What happened?"
Randy opened his mouth to say something, but no words passed his lips. Instead his breathing became faster and faster as his eyes flicked back to his right hand and John's other hand cupped his jaw, making him look back at him.
"Sssh, Ran, you need to take a deep breath," he urged and his worry grew with every moment Randy kept silent. "Come on, a deep breath. Calm down, okay?"
Randy's left hand came up to the front of the older man's shirt, fingers burying into the fabric and closing his eyes he tried to breathe deeply, listening to John's words.
"The bottle slipped out of my hand…" Randy replied finally, voice unsteady and close to breaking. "I… I can't move my… fingers…"
John's heart dropped and missed a few beats as he realized what Randy just had told him.
There is a chance that he will lose sight, his ability to do the movements he wants to do, to the point of an absolute paralysis.
The doctor's words echoed through his mind and he had to swallow hard as bile rose to his throat, had to force himself to keep his breathing slow as panic coiled up in his guts but he did his best to keep up a calm appearance. He had to.
"Gimme your hand, Ran," he said quietly and as Randy didn't react, he took it and held it in a loose grip. "Now try to squeeze my hand. Come on."
Shaking his head slightly no, Randy averted his gaze and tried to pull his hand back but John stopped him, grabbing his chin to make him look up again.
"No, Randy, no. Come on, look at me," he urged, seeking the grey eyes and when Randy finally looked back at him, he nodded slowly. "Okay, that's good. Keep looking at me and now, try to squeeze my hand. Please."
Their eyes stayed locked and John waited… and he knew the very second Randy tried to do what John wanted him to do. There was a twitch around the grey eyes, something shifted in them. Randy's nostrils flared as he took a deep breath. But John… felt nothing…