Yes! Yes! Yes! *Daniel Bryan mode* Thanks for the plenty reviews! It's what keeps me going :D
xoxoxo
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I'm sorry that this chapter is rather short, but I promise the next one will be up soon.
I hope you'll like this one ;-)
Enjoy!
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The bright fear in Randy's eyes became blinding and with it came panic in its purest form. His breathing accelerated again, dizziness and nausea stretching their hands out for him and distantly he heard John's voice, soothing, calming, urging him to take deep breaths, to focus on him and he tried to… John's eyes, he tried to focus on those beloved blue eyes which were filled with worry.
He tried to, tried so hard… to breathe, to listen to John's voice but there was the feeling of John's touch on his right hand and he couldn't move his fingers although he willed them to… this touch on his hand which felt like it wasn't his own…
"Calm down. Slow, deep breaths, Ran," John hushed him, biting back the panic that coiled and grew in his chest. "Come on, you can do it, slow and deep…"
… slow and deep… slow and deep…
The touch on his right hand vanished as John reached up, cupping his face with both hands. The still growing panic threatened to choke John as he kept on murmuring calming and soothing words to his friend, his thumbs brushing back and forth on the pale face.
And eventually John's voice pierced through the haze of fear and panic and slowly Randy's breathing slowed down. A tear rolled down his cheek… then a second and John wiped them away with tender fingers, before pulling him in his arms and as he held him tight Randy closed his arms around John's waist. With a broke sob he hid his face in the crook of John's neck… holding onto him for dear life. A heartbeat later John felt a warm dampness against his neck.
"Johnny…"
"It's okay, Ran. I'm here," he whispered as he ran soothing circles on his friend's back, breathing a soft kiss to his shoulder. "We're gonna get you through this."
Somehow he managed to keep his own voice steady and calm although he had no idea how. He noticed a burning in his throat and hot tears falling from his eyes. It was too soon. This shouldn't happen, not now, not yet. Three days until the surgery. Three fucking days too long.
"I'm gonna call the hospital and we're going back tonight," he murmured and while he spoke his eyes caught Phil's, who was standing in the doorway with a sympathetic expression on his face. "I'm gonna stay there with you, Ran. Promise."
Reluctantly Phil came closer and sat down on the couch, his folded hands resting on his legs as he watched them in embarrassed silence. It wasn't a secret that he did not quite love Randy, but he for sure never wished him something like that. For a moment he only sat there, watching them until John gazed over to him and Phil could barely stand the agony lying in the older man's eyes.
Blinking the tears away, John cleared his throat and said: "Could you… could you have an eye on him? I need to call the hospital and get a few things…"
"Sure, Sunshine," Phil replied quietly and inched a bit closer to them.
"Thank you," John whispered as he drew back from Randy, but Randy pulled him back in, clinging to him and between the sobs there were barely audible words spoken against his shoulder… don't do… don't go…
"Ran, just a few minutes," John murmured and smoothed his hand over the short hair. "Hey, look at me…"
Gently but insistently pushing Randy away he sought his eyes and the expression in them had not changed, but he needed to get their stuff and make the call, as much as he wanted to pull Randy back into his arms and shield him from harm. With a shaky sigh he rested his forehead against Randy's.
"I know you are afraid," he whispered. "I am, too. But we need to get you to the hospital as fast as possible. Okay?"
Randy was too damn scared to let go of John but he knew that John was right. His whispered yeah was barely audible but he let go of him and as John reluctantly straightened up, he saw that Randy began to tremble.
John was scared beyond words and he couldn't nearly imagine how scared Randy had to be.
From the corner of his eyes he saw Phil lean forward and then he felt a hand on his leg. He knew that there was probably blood on his knees, cuts and that there were maybe even shards sticking in his skin, but he couldn't have cared less.
"Your knees…" Phil said worried, but John only stepped away from his touch, his eyes not leaving Randy.
"I'm fine," he muttered, wrenching himself away from Randy.
Time was running.
Grabbing his phone on his way up to their rooms, he dialed the number the doctor had given him after signing the discharge form. The man answered the call and obviously John had woken him, but after explaining what had happened, the doctor was wide awake and told him that he would immediately come to the hospital for further examinations. After ending the call, John gazed down on his cell. His hand was shaking badly… Taking a deep breath he willed himself to calm down because the last thing Randy needed now was that he lost his self-composure.
Distantly Randy heard John's voice coming from upstairs and although he tried hard to keep his mind focused on that sound… it didn't work. While his left hand grabbed the armrest in a death grip, his right hand lay useless on his legs. A hand he couldn't move lay on legs he couldn't feel. The trembling became stronger and with it returned the sobs. And into his sobs mingled… laughter. There was a voice, telling him to calm down and a touch on his shoulder and he tried to shrug that touch off.
"Don't… don't touch me, Punk," Randy pressed out through gritted teeth and the sobs and the laughter subsided as he did so.
"Okay, okay," Phil replied and drew his hand back. "I just wanted you to calm down."
Something stirred in the haze of panic and fear and Randy turned his head slightly, eyes locking with the other man.
"Shouldn't you be happy if I'm out of the way?" he asked quietly, voice shaking. "Isn't that… what you want? To have John all to yourself?"
Phil blinked slowly and his lips stretched to a bitter smile.
"Yeah. Yeah, I want him all to myself," he admitted then. "But I would never have wished you something like this, Randy. And I know that John is gonna hover over you anyway."
Mirroring the bitter smile, Randy spoke again and with every word his voice shook even more, but somehow this ridiculous conversation seemed to keep him sane, now that John wasn't here, and so he held onto it.
"Just keep your hands off him, Brooks. You can't have him."
Puffing a little laughter, Phil shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Huh, I knew it," Phil muttered. "Listen, Randal, he is old enough to decide what he wants. Whatever, I promised to have an eye on you and this conversation only upsets you, so we should stop here."
Silence. And Randy felt the effect of their conversation fade and just as all came rushing back full force, he heard John come down the stairs and into the living room. A heartbeat later John was back at his side and the older man's hand closed around his left one, making Randy's eyes seek his and between the lingering panic and fear there was utter relief and trust.
"Okay, Ran, they're waiting. The doc needs to make a few examinations when we get there and the surgery will be tomorrow," John said hushed, squeezing his hand a bit and the younger man's fingers closed around his in response. "It's gonna be alright."
John pulled his hand from reluctant fingers and moved behind the wheelchair as Phil got up, too, laying a hand on John's arm to stop him.
"You shouldn't drive, Sunshine," he stated, giving him a worried frown. "I take you there."
x
About four hours later John sat in Randy's room, waiting. For Randy. To come back from the examinations. It strained his already frayed nerves and he prayed that… that… it wasn't too late. That thought kept him company. What if the doctor would tell them that it was too late?
Sighing he let his eyes sweep through the room, wondering how long Randy would have to stay here this time. Faintly he noticed a dull ache in his knees. A doctor had picked a handful of shards out of them and now he had two nice dressings wrapped around his knees.
Four hours. Why did these examinations have to take so fucking long? Blood test, check-up, neurological test, briefing for the surgery and the anesthesia, MRT… but four hours? Sighing again John got up from his place on his bed and walked over to the window and was greeted by the colorful busyness of the city. Their things were unpacked, he'd settled his stay at the hospital while Randy was here… he had nothing left to do except to fucking wait.
His mind drifted back to their drive to the hospital. It had been good that Phil had been driving. John had been sitting on the backseat with Randy and the younger man had clung to him the whole way. And the first thing the doctor did when they arrived here was to give them both something to calm down, but somehow it didn't feel to him as if this damn tranquilizer did its job. With a muttered fuck he turned away from the window and walked over to Randy's bed, sat down and arranged the picture of Alanna on the bedside table.
It was then that the door finally jumped open. A nurse pushed the wheelchair in and the doctor followed, but John's eyes were glued on Randy who looked incredibly exhausted and resigned and John hoped it was just a result of the tranquilizer. He slipped off the bed and squatted down beside Randy, taking hold of his right hand, causing his friend to flinch involuntary, but he didn't let go. Randy couldn't move his fingers but he did feel his touch and John wanted him to feel this, maybe to tell him: hey, you can't move your fingers but you can still feel, hold onto that. But then Randy's left hand settled onto their joined ones and he even managed a tiny smile for John.
John smoothed his free hand over his friend's cheek, before he looked up to the patiently waiting doctor. No, the tranquilizer didn't work at all. His heart was beating furiously because he was fucking scared of what the man had to say and this very moment he felt a sudden and paralyzing tenseness spreading throughout his body.
"We don't have the complete results yet. The MRT shows that the tumors have grown but the results of the neurological tests are better than expected," the medic explained with an optimistic expression on his face. "The surgery is still possible."
John couldn't stop the half-sigh, half-groan that escaped his throat. The tenseness fell off him, leaving a slight trembling in its wake and he leaned forward, resting his forehead against Randy's shoulder.
"Johnny?" Randy said quietly, worried.
"It's okay, I'm just so damn relieved," he whispered back and after a deep breath he looked up again.
"Any questions?" the doctor asked, gazing back and forth between them, but Randy shook his head no and as much as John tried to think, he wasn't able to get his thoughts straight right now.
All he could think of was that the surgery was still possible. It wasn't too late.
"The surgery is scheduled on 10 a.m. tomorrow. I'm gonna be at the hospital again at 8 a.m., just in case that there are any questions left," the doctor added when no questions came. "I suggest you get some rest."
Nodding his good-bye, the man left and the nurse followed, leaving John and Randy in relieved silence behind. For a moment John stared at the closed door, before he heard Randy whisper his name. Gazing back at his friend, he managed a smile for him.
"How are you feeling, Ran?" he asked and smoothed gently over a stubbled cheek.
"A little dazed and tired," Randy replied weakly. "It has been a bit too much for one night, I guess."
"Yeah, a bit too much…" the older man sighed. "Let's get ready for bed, we should at least try to grab some sleep."
Randy blinked slowly at him and he looked like he just wanted to get into his bed without a trip to the bathroom first, but going to the bathroom first felt normal and they both needed some normality right now…
A few minutes later they were lying in Randy's bed, facing each other. The minutes in the bathroom and now, as they lay here, had been accompanied by thoughtful quietness and although the doctor had told them that it wasn't too late, this whole situation felt like floating in a bad dream. And that dream would last until the doctor would tell them that the surgery had been successful. But the first step was the surgery itself and the hours until then. Long hours.
For the last minutes John did nothing but keeping his gaze locked with Randy's, to hold his right hand, trailing his fingertips over it in slow caresses. The moment he'd taken hold of Randy's right hand again, his friend had tried to pull it away, but he simply didn't let him and eventually Randy relaxed under his touch.
"Don't you want to sleep a bit?" John murmured.
"I don't know… I'm tired but I don't think that I can sleep right now," Randy sighed heavily and then a small frown appeared on his face as something came to his mind. "You really staying the whole time I'm here?"
"Yeah, the whole time," John replied.
The frown on Randy's face deepened. They had never really talked about what would be if he was released from hospital as healed. Back then, when John had told him that he could stay until he would find a new apartment or house or whatever, everything had been so far away. He had never lost a thought about it, because at that time he'd been sure he wouldn't live long enough to see it. But now… now the question what would be was real. He had to move out sooner or later but… he didn't want to go. He wanted to stay with John for good…
John watched in silence as Randy seemed to debate something in his mind. That the tumors had grown hadn't really been surprising. Randy had felt it anyway. But the sudden loss of the ability to move his fingers had been numbing, shocking, frightening beyond words and so it had been so very much reliving to hear that the neurological tests had been better than it could have been expected. He was glad that Randy had finally calmed down after that initial shock. As much as possible under the given circumstances. It had calmed him down, too. Still gazing at him and still caressing his hand, he waited for his friend to say whatever was on his mind.
It took another long minute until Randy dared to say: "We never really talked about what will be when I'm officially healed."
John arched an eyebrow and said: "Then we're both gonna be very happy?"
"Funny, Cena," Randy snorted. "What I mean is… you know, I have to find a new apartment and… ah, damn… how much time do I have until I have to move out?"
Now it was John's turn to frown, but only for a brief moment. The frown morphed to a gentle smile because this was an easy answer to give.
"You have as much time as you need or want," he replied softly and added even softer: "Or you stay for good… if you want."
The grey eyes widened a tad, flicking back and forth as Randy searched John's eyes for a hint that he really meant it. The older man's eyes matched his smile and yes… he seemed to be serious.
"You… you really mean it, don't you?" Randy whispered then, unbelieving.
John gave him a tiny nod.
"I don't want you to move out," he admitted quietly and his smile dimmed a bit at the mere thought that Randy might decide to go. "And I know you don't want to use a stair lift and since the garden is big enough we could attach two bedrooms and another bathroom to the first floor. The bedrooms upstairs could be guestrooms and…"
Randy's eyes widened even more as he listened to what John had planned out and John fell silent as he noticed it. For the moment reality faded into the background as the younger man imagined how it would be, to move in with John permanently and he wished he could kiss John this very second because it was what he had silently wished for. Both.
"I… I know my offer is a bit bold and I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable but I…" John added quickly at the strange expression on Randy's face but then Randy reached out and buried his fingers into his friend's shirt, tugging him closer until they were lying nose to nose.
Not quite able to believe that John was really offering him to move in permanently Randy breathed: "You are crazy, John."
"Thought you knew that already," he whispered back and added hopefully: "Means?"
A tiny but happy grin spread over Randy's face as he stated: "I want a waterbed and a Jacuzzi."
Wrapping his arms around his friend to pull him into a tight embrace, because Randy would stay, John whispered: "Anything you want, Ran."
Anything I want, huh? the younger man thought. There was something… John's house would now be his home and from this moment on it would be their life and thinking that Brooks would come and go and even share John's bed…
"Johnny, if I asked you to end this… thing… you have with Brooks… would you do it?"
The question was spoken so quietly that John wasn't sure if he'd heard Randy right and so it took a few long seconds until the words sunk in. And he couldn't believe what he'd just heard. He repeated the words in his mind. And then again… What the hell…?
And while John still tried to process this question, Randy waited and a strange queasy feeling grew in his chest. Maybe he'd overstepped a line here. He had no right to ask that from John and he knew that. Still he needed to ask it because if there was the tiniest chance that he could make sure that Brooks wouldn't get a chance again to get too close to John, he would have to take it. Then suddenly John's embrace ceased and with it Randy's heart dropped.
"What?"
This single word didn't make it any better and John's voice, heavily laced with disbelief and confusion, made Randy wish he'd never asked. And because John's embrace had ceased, his own arms wrapped even tighter around the massive body and with a whispered sorry he hid his face in the crook of John's neck. The older man didn't stop him…
"What's that supposed to mean?" John murmured then, the confusion now more present than the disbelief as he spoke.
Randy knew that John didn't mean the obvious, the literally meaning of his question. What the older man meant was: why? Why are you asking such a question? Unseen by Randy John stared at the opposite wall, brows furrowed as he tried to figure out what could make Randy ask something like that. Just because he didn't like Phil?
"Randy?"
Swallowing hard Randy willed his voice not to shake as he replied: "Forget I asked."
The feeling of Randy's lips and his warm breath against the skin of his neck made goose bumps flare on his arms despite the strange situation. He tightened his embrace again and thought that he maybe would regret what he was about to say.
"If you really want me to go back to just being friends with Phil, then I'm gonna do it, Randy," John said slowly, carefully. Hoping. "But why?"
He would do it… you just have to say it…
Randy's heart stumbled a bit, because there was a chance to get rid of Brooks, because he was scared to tell John why and because he knew John wouldn't let him get away with saying nothing.
"I can't bear the thought that he kisses and touches you and that you…" He trailed off, not sure if he would be able to finish the sentence like he'd wanted to.
That you have sex with him.
Instead he muttered: "I can't bear the thought that he's closer to you than I am."
With a sigh John placed a hand on Randy's nape, playing with the soft hair there. Okay, that was… interesting.
"He's not closer to me than you are, Ran. He never could be."
A huff against his neck.
"Right, and that mark came out of nowhere."
Trailing his fingers over the younger man's shoulder and a bit down his back, along his spine back up to his nape, John pondered what to say next. While he kept the caress up, he felt Randy press closer to him.
"That mark really bothers you, doesn't it?" John asked quietly, placing a kiss on the short hair.
God, after all the shit that had happened today it felt so damn good to hide in John's arms. A hum dropped from his lips as he nuzzled his face against his friend's neck.
"I hate it," he breathed against the skin under his lips, keeping a feather light contact and as he did so, he noticed a light shiver run through John. "And… I don't want to share you, Johnny."
The closeness and that soft touch against his neck, Randy's words… it all added to the emotional strain and John felt his self-control fade…
Before Randy knew what was happening he found himself flat on his back with John hovering over him, half kneeling between his legs, half lying on him and his arms framed Randy's head as he braced on them. Blue eyes delved into grey ones and Randy watched in fascination as the bright blue darkened and their depths revealed something heavy and intense… Too riveted by the sight Randy couldn't move, couldn't breathe, could do nothing except gazing into the mesmerizing eyes above him. Faintly he felt John's breath fan over his face, fast and shallow and a touch on the side of his face, feather light and so infinitely tender that his heart ached and stumbled…
Despite the threatening events of the evening this was a perfect moment and John wanted it to last forever. Randy's face was so young and innocent this very moment, his expression… his eyes… so open, so free of the fear which had lingered there ever since… that moment in the living-room. So beautiful. His heart was pounding heavily against his chest, almost painfully as he gazed down on the younger man, captivated by the way that well-known grey turned into precious silver and the feeling of soft skin and hours of stubble under his touch. But then his attention was drawn to a tiny movement and his eyes flicked down to Randy's lips. Perfect lips. He took in the way they were quivering ever so slightly… And because it was the perfect moment… John kissed him.
It was a soft touch of lips, a small and gentle kiss, lasting only for a brief moment, before John parted his lips and ran his tongue over Randy's bottom lip, asking for permission and with a sigh Randy granted it.
The kiss deepened… tongues met in a shy dance… addictive…
For a second John was sure he was dreaming, yet he knew he wasn't. He was kissing Randy. Finally he was kissing the man he loved more than his own life… It sent a jolt through him… that kiss. It was pure heat and electricity, bright and sparkling. It made his heart sing and his whole body hum with love and he breathed Randy's scent, tasted him on his tongue, his lips. And in the pure need to feel more he let his fingertips trail over the side of the younger man's face, over his neck, his chest and belly… and his fingers found a way under the shirt, splaying over soft skin and those tempting abs where twitching softly under his touch. He felt Randy arch up a bit for more contact and gently he slipped his arm under his friend's back as he lowered himself down.
There was Randy's heartbeat, a fast and steady rhythm, running through the younger man's body, running through John's body. And he held onto the firm body in his arms, holding him close… holding him safe… his presence a lifeline…
This kiss was slow, so sweet and so damn loving that Randy forgot how to breathe… that it made him forget everything. It unleashed a warm tingling, running down his spine, spreading throughout his chest… All there was… it was this kiss, it was John's scent and his touch, the feeling of John's body against his own as he settled down completely… it was his name on John's lips, a plea… a revelation. All there was… was John. It was pure bliss… and he wanted more.
Randy's right arm came up and wrapped around John's neck while his left hand settled on John's waist, slipping under his shirt to touch the tempting skin and his touch was shy at the beginning, but that skin felt so incredibly good that Randy let his hand roam further, feeling those muscles move against his palm, feeling a shiver run through his friend as he scraped his nails lightly over his back. Slowly Randy's hand moved down, caressing, savoring, coming to rest on John's perfect ass.
There was a quiet moan, maybe from John… maybe from Randy… but it was swallowed by sealed lips, was breathed away.
John felt heat rush between his legs, felt himself grown hard… and it was the very second reality came rushing back, hitting him full force.
Shocked about what was just happening John pulled back, whispering: "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Ran…"
And he wanted to back away from his friend because he never should have kissed him, because Randy never wanted that and… and Randy held him back and whispered his name, begging.
"Don't go," Randy breathed, his grey eyes narrowing ever so slightly and there was a tiny twitch of his lips, as if he wanted to say something else.
Instead he pulled him back down until John was lying completely on top of him and his arms wrapped even tighter around his friend, holding him as close as he even could. Because he couldn't bear the thought of letting him go now…
"I can't feel my fucking legs and I can't move my fucking hand. Goddamn, I want to feel that I'm still here," Randy whispered harshly and the older man felt his left hand move up his back, fingers digging into it. The whisper became softer and shaky as he continued: "You are the only one who can make me feel, Johnny… So please don't go. Please. Please. I need you, I..."
John's breath caught in his throat at those words… and cautiously he settled back down.
"Randy, wait," he said softly, trying to prevent him from saying something he would regret later. "What happened tonight was confusing and frightening and in combination with the tranquilizer the doc gave you…"
"No, I know what I'm doing," Randy whispered insistently. "And… there is something I need to tell you and the whole time was too gutless to say it but… I want you to know this before the surgery…"
He was scared, not only about his current condition or the surgery and what could happen in the near future. He was also scared about what would happen if he told John the truth. But he had to because this… it could be the last chance…
John tried to pull back and look at him, but Randy held him tight and his heartbeat turned fast and shallow at Randy's words, because he was afraid of what was about to come, yet he hoped that maybe, just maybe… it would be what his heart begged to hear…
Closing his eyes Randy brought his mouth close to John's ear. There was a trembling running through him and in response John tightened his hold on him. He could do it, just say it, because this was John and there was nothing he couldn't tell him...
Willing his voice not to fail him he said: "I love you. I know you lost your heart to someone else and I don't expect anything. I just wanted you to know it."