Do Over

(Chapter Two: Whenever You Need Me)

Three Weeks Later….

Elliot sat at his desk surrounded by a stack of files. He groaned as the phone rang and he began to riffle through the pile to locate it.

"Stabler," he growled into the receiver as half of the papers fell off the desk and into the floor. "No, Beth!" Elliot snapped. "I do not have a moment to speak to the mother of the Daniels boy! I am ass deep in pre-trial paperwork and I have to be in court first thing in the morning! No, don't send her up," he exhaled as he bit his lip. "Just….tell her….I'm on vacation."

He hung up the phone and exhaled again as he smoothed his hands over his face. He tossed a handful of aspirin into his mouth and chased them with the last few drops of coffee from his Styrofoam cup. Elliot tossed the cup into the wastebasket, then folded his arms and laid his head down for a few moments on his desk.

"Detective Stabler," a uniformed officer said from across the room, "there's someone here to see you."

"Beth, I told you not to send her up," Elliot grumbled in a low voice as he cleared his throat and raised his pounding head squinting his eyes as they adjusted to the light once more. "Mrs. Daniels, I am sorry for the inconvenience but I don't really have the time to…." he paused as he studied the woman standing in front of him.

"I'm not Mrs. Daniels," a soft sweet voice said and he watched as the corners of her mouth curled upward into the most beautiful smile he had ever seen.

"No, you're not," he replied clearing his throat.

"Two and a half years and I don't even get a hello?"

Elliot couldn't help but smile. She was stunning, as always.

"Hello gorgeous," he said stepping forward and leaning in to hug his former partner.

"I missed you," Olivia said with a smile as she pulled back and he stared at her once more.

"You just missed the guys. Cragen is on vacation and Munch and Fin had to testify for this case."

"I'll catch them later. I couldn't come to town without at least saying hello."

"How long are you in town?"

"Umm….a few days."

"Married life has been good to you," Elliot said smiling at her once more. "You look great."

"Thanks. So do you."

"Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" he joked as he pulled a cup from the stack beside the coffee pot.

Olivia laughed.

"Or you could buy me lunch," she suggested batting her big brown eyes at him the way she always did when trying to get her way.

"I'd love to. Wait, but I have a ton of work to do before court in the morning."

"Bummer," she said folding her arms and making a pouty face. "Anything I could help with?"

"I wish," he replied. "But you're not SVU anymore," he said closing the file on the desk to keep the information confidential.

"Right," Olivia agreed settling into her old chair and propping her feet on the corner of the desk across from his. "You know I never thought I would miss this place as much as I have."

"I imagine it's something like escaping Hell. As relieved as you are to have survived and finally be free, this is the only thing you know. This kind of work leaves its mark on your soul. You can never fully walk away."

"Believe me, I know. Are you sure you can't break away? Just for an hour or so?"

Elliot leaned back in his chair and stared at the stack of files on the desk in front of him.

"Screw it!" he said as he stood up and she smiled. "I have read this stuff forward and backward, over and over and am still no closer than I was when I began. Maybe I could use a break," he replied as he scribbled a message across a yellow post it note and stuck it on his partner's desk. "Let's get out of here," he said as he stood up and slipped his suit jacket back on.

Olivia smiled as she studied the little yellow note on the desk in front of her.

"Taking the rest of the day off…." was all it said.

"So, where is the little one?" Elliot asked. "What's his name, Jake?"

"Jack," she corrected him with a laugh. "And don't even try to pretend you don't remember his name. I know you better than that, Stabler."

"Yes, you do."

"He is with his daddy. Dean took him to visit his mother in Connecticut. They weren't due to come home for a couple of days, so I decided to come here."

"You didn't want to go visit your mother in law?"

"Ahh," Olivia laughed. "No. She still hates me."

"But you gave her a beautiful grandchild."

"I did," she agreed. "But she is still convinced I am only after the family's money. Which, by the way I am not the least bit interested in."

"I would have thought she would have figured that out after you signed the prenup before the wedding."

"That by the way was totally her idea," she said as they walked toward his car.

"Where did the Porter family get their money anyway?"

"Some kind of oil deal….I think. It's old money. He explained it to me once, but I don't remember all of the details. I do know though, that Jackson had a trust set up in his name the day he was born. At least I know he will always be taken care of."

"Peace of mind. So really, how are you?" Elliot asked as they pulled into the parking area of her favorite restaurant.

"I'm good. I miss my baby. This is the longest I have been away from him since he was born. But I'm good."

"Am I finally gonna get to meet him?"

"Actually, I spoke to Dean just before I came in to see you. He had planned on being at his mother's for a few more days, but they need him for some thing with work. So….I am meeting him at the airport tomorrow at noon to pick up the baby. Then he has to fly back home and pack some things and leave out again."

"It must be hard on you. Him being gone so much, I mean."

"Sometimes. I was really lonely for a while, but it isn't so bad now that I have Jackson to keep me company. I never realized before that being a mommy was a full time job."

"I bet you are an amazing mother."

"I try to be," she replied taking a sip of her iced tea. "So what about you? How are your kids?"

"Good. I don't get to see them as much as I'd like to. But I spend every moment with them when I can. Kathy and I have managed to keep things pretty civil for the sake of the kids….for the most part."

Olivia looked up at him as she twisted her napkin in her fingers.

"She usually lets me see them whenever I can, but lately it is like pulling teeth to get her to switch me days or give me a few extra hours."

"Lately? What is going on with her lately?"

"She has a new boyfriend."

"It is serious?"

"It seems to be."

"I'm sorry."

"No, I'm happy for her. And the guy seems to be pretty good to the kids. They like him. But now that he's in the picture, she wants the kids around more to do things with them. She has even canceled a few of my days so they could do things with the kids."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, it does. But the kids seem happy."

"Have you talked to her about it?"

"I've tried. But every time I bring it up we end up arguing."

"I'm sorry things are so rough for you."

"Ahh, it will work out, I'm sure. Kathy has never really been the kind do to things like this for spite. She just probably doesn't realize…."

"That it bothers you to lose time away from your kids? Then she isn't a very observant person."

"She's happy. Maybe she is a little distracted right now. What about you?"

"What about me?" she asked with a smile.

"Are you happy?"

"Well, I am sitting here with my best friend talking about old times and catching up on things. And I have the most amazing baby boy in the entire world," she said pulling pictures from her wallet and handing them to Elliot.

"He is beautiful. And getting so big."

Olivia smiled.

"He changed my life. I know every parent says that about their kids. I used to be so confused when I would wonder what my purpose was in life. I found some direction working with the SVU, but even that didn't always feel exactly right. I felt this pull from inside me like there was something out there I was supposed to do…..something greater than all of this…..I just didn't know that it was. But I figured it out the first time I looked into his eyes. That doctor handed me this tiny little baby, still all covered in goo," she laughed, "and he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He opened his eyes…."

"Your eyes," Elliot corrected her as he stared at the boy's picture.

"My eyes," she said with a smile. "We looked at each other for the first time and I knew without a doubt for the first time in my life where I belonged. I was put here on this earth to be his mother."

Elliot smiled.

"It sounds silly, I know," she replied.

"No. I know exactly what you mean."

"You do?" she asked with a smile.

"Yeah. I felt the same way with each one of my kids. But it isn't really cool for guys to come out and say it like that."

Olivia smiled.

"I think it's cool. There is nothing wrong with a man who knows real love when he sees it."

"I'm glad things have been good for you," he said staring into her eyes. "I have missed you so much."

"I missed you too, El. We never should have gone this long without talking. We should make sure it never happens again."

"Definitely."

Elliot watched as she looked up and smiled at him.

"I've missed you, too. You and the guys, and Casey. All of you."

"They'll be glad to see you again. And we have definitely missed you around work, too. You had a real gift. A compassion so many people in this line of work lose all too quickly."

Olivia exhaled deeply as she thought back to their days as partners.

"Do you still think about it? I mean I know I bitch about my work all of the time, but I know if I was ever out I would miss it."

"It has just kind of been there….in the back of my mind. Still haunts my dreams sometimes….the faces of all of the victims….thousands of them. We do our best to help them, but some will never get justice. What is justice, really?"

"Peace of mind, Liv."

"And sometimes that is all we can offer," she replied staring him down and he knew exactly what she was referring to.

"Things have been really stressful lately," he began to explain.

"I have never seen you try to avoid the family of a victim before. And I have never heard you talk to Beth like that."

"You don't understand."

"Then make me understand."

He stared at her quietly for a moment.

"You didn't come all this way to listen to me bitch about work."

"Elliot, you don't talk to people about it. You keep it all bottled up inside. It will eventually drive you crazy."

"Nobody wants to talk about this stuff. They would never be able to get it out of their heads."

"But I have been there. I have done this. I know how it gets and I do understand exactly how you feel. You can talk to me."

"You've been a million miles away."

Olivia smiled.

"A phone call away. And I am here whenever you need me."

Things were quiet for a moment as the waitress brought their food, then Elliot began to speak.

"We were tracking this guy a couple of years back. He had a thing for young boys and when he was finished with them he killed them and tossed them aside like garbage."

He watched Olivia fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat. She had heard many of these kind of stories, but had never been able to see them the way a parent looks at them.

"It's too much," he said stopping to take a drink.

"No. It's just a different kind of reality when you're a parent. Tell me what happened."

"He grabbed a seven year old boy from his bed one night. Fin and I spoke with the mother and she was a wreck. Who wouldn't be, I guess. She came into the station every day to check on the case, praying that one day we would have details that would bring her son home. He was missing for just over three weeks when we caught a break in the case. She was standing there when Cragen gave us the address to where the boy was being held. And I let my emotions get in the way."

"What happened?"

"I promised her I would bring her kid home safe. She trusted me."

"It didn't work out?"

"No. Someone tipped off our perp. When we walked into the place we found the boy's body….." Elliot paused as she gulped, "in pieces around the living room."

"Oh my God."

"That was about eighteen months ago and the case went cold. Like our perp just dropped off the face of the earth."

"Did she keep in touch with you?"

"She came in every week. Like clock work. Hoping for some shred of good news that could help lead to the capture of her son's murderer."

"Did you ever get any leads?"

"We actually have him in custody. He was brought in on other charges and forensics found the blood of five victims in the trunk of his car. We finally had the proof that this man was our murderer. I called her and told her the moment I found out for sure. That is the trial I am supposed to testify for in the morning."

"I'll bed she was relieved to finally get the good news from you."

"I called her, Liv. I have not been able to face her since the day I had to tell her that freak murdered her little boy."

"I thought she kept coming to see you?"

"I have seen her. But I couldn't talk to her. I just didn't know what to say."

"So you pawned her off on someone else? You've lost your edge, El."

"Yeah, she moved off to D.C. and left me here to fend for myself."

Olivia smiled.

"You know you are probably going to see her at the trial tomorrow. You should talk to her. Even if you don't know what to say. She needs this to help her heal. And I think you do too."

"What do I say to her, Olivia? Hey, I'm sorry I screwed up and got your kid killed and yes, I have been avoiding you, but I am a coward and it was hard for me to deal with?"

"Be honest with her."

"She'll hate me. Liv, I will never be able to make up for what she has lost."

"No, but maybe having someone to talk to about what she is going through….feeling like you do care enough to grieve over this child as well….it isn't much El, but it is something. And even if she does hate you, at least she can start healing. And so can you. Your testimony tomorrow could put this man away for the rest of his life. And bring justice for that little boy and all of the other's this man has taken. Give her the chance to make her peace. Give yourself that chance. You have not been able to face her because you don't know what to say to her."

"Maybe."

"Maybe you are thinking too much about it. Maybe you should just meet with her and let your heart do the talking. Good or bad, Elliot….I promise you will feel much better. Give her that peace of mind."

"You're right."

"Aren't I always?" she joked.

"Pretty much."

"Seriously, though. Relax and speak from your heart. You are a good person, Elliot. With a good heart. You should really listen to it more often."

"It is so good to have you back," he said with a smile. "My voice of reason, here to set me straight."

"I don't know about any of that. But it is pretty good to be back. I missed this place….I missed you."

"Let's make a pact," he said raising his hand for her to shake, "to never go that long without talking again."

"Deal," she said shaking his hand as she laughed.

"I mean it, Liv. You mean too damn much to me. We may not have spoken for a long time, but there wasn't a day go by that you didn't cross my mind. I didn't mean to get all heavy on you."

"No, you're right. I thought about you all the time. I wondered how you were doing, how the kids were. But for some reason I never called."

"Neither did I."

Elliot watched as she picked up his Blackberry from the table and entered her newest contact information into it.

"No more excuses," she said as she slid it back across the table to him.