Do Over

(Chapter Four: End Of The Road)

Olivia held her son on her hip as she double checked the address she had written in eyeliner on the corner of the folded up newspaper.

"This can't be it," she said with a sigh as Jackson rubbed his tired eyes. "Last one, bubba, I promise. And I don't it will take long, this place is a dump," she said walking up the front steps.

Inside the wallpaper was peeling from the walls and the light in the hall flickered on and off.

"Correction, this place is a death trap," she sighed looking at the out of order sign on the elevator. "This is not going to work," she replied kissing her baby as she walked back out to the front stoop. "Let's see if mommy can get us another cab," she said staring into her little boy's big brown eyes as she pulled her phone from her pocket and re-dialed the number of the taxi cab company.

"Twenty minutes?" she repeated as the woman on the other end of the line explained that it would be a little while. "Ma'am, I am not trying to be difficult. I just stepped out of one of your cabs five minutes ago. I am now stranded here with a small child and I am just trying to get us back to our hotel." She listened for a moment as the woman spoke. "I just don't understand why it takes twenty minutes when the driver is three blocks away…..He's on break?" she asked as thunder began to rumble and out of nowhere rain clouds appeared. "Of course he is on break. Umm, I guess just send someone when you can. Thank you."

"Mrs. Porter?" a man's voice called from behind her.

"Yes," she replied turning to see an older gentleman.

"I wasn't sure you were going to make it," he said as he blinked at her.

"You know what….something has come up and I really need to get back," she said staring at the man.

"You're already here. Might as well take a peek," he said holding up the key to the fourth floor apartment.

"Okay," she nervously agreed as she followed the man up three flights of stairs.

She walked around what must have been the tiniest apartment in the state of New York. Taking mental notes as she carefully inspected each room she turned to look back at the man.

"The paper said this was a two bedroom," she said looking around her for the missing room.

"Well, this could be used for the little guy's room," he said opening the door to what appeared to be more of a walk in closet than a bedroom.

"Oh, I see," she replied trying hard to hide her disappointment.

"I can cut you a deal on the deposit if you sign a lease today. You could be moved in by tomorrow afternoon."

Olivia forced a smile.

"Well, I will definitely keep this in mind. I do have a few other places to look at, I will get back to you," she replied shifting Jackson to her other hip to shake the man's hand as she glanced at her watch.

Olivia rushed down the stairs and out onto the front steps just in time to see her taxi drive away in the rain.

"You have got to be kidding me!" she cried out, holding the newspaper over their heads as she attempted to open the now locked door. "Seriously?"

She hunkered down in a corner under the awning seeking shelter. She pulled off her over shirt and wrapped Jackson in it. She kissed the top of the little boy's head as he rubbed his eyes once more and laid his head against her chest. She was stranded in apartment Hell and there was only one person to call.

Ten minutes later a squad car pulled up in front of the apartment building. Olivia stood with her now sleeping son as Elliot climbed from the car and ran up the steps with an umbrella to protect them from the rain as he escorted them back to the car.

"Are you guys okay?" he asked handing her his suit jacket and turning on the heat in the car to warm them.

"We're fine. Just wet. It is near impossible to get a cab out here."

"Do you know someone out here?"

"Not exactly."

"What the Hell are you doing all the way out here anyway?"

Olivia hesitated for a minute as she stared at him.

"Looking at an apartment."

Elliot turned to look into her eyes.

"Did you really think Dean would live in that part of town?" he asked trying not to assume the worst.

"The apartment isn't for Dean," she said softly as she stared down at her son.

"Liv, I'm so sorry."

"Just, do me a favor and don't say anything. I have not even told Dean yet. He left out this morning and he will be back in a week. I was hoping to have a little more of a plan before I just come out and tell him that I am considering taking our son and moving back to New York."

"Considering? Liv, you're looking to sign a lease. That's a little heavy to be just considering."

"I know. I don't know what to do, anymore," she breathed as she wiped away her tears and stared out the window.

Elliot could tell that his best friend was in desperate need of a little grown up talk.

"For starters, you are gonna let me buy you lunch. We can go back to the hotel so little man can finish up his nap, order some Chinese take out and talk."

"You really want to talk about my mess of a life?"

"Well, I'll be doing most of the listening."

Olivia wiped her face and forced a smile.

"Things would just be so much easier if he wasn't involved," she said as she laid Jackson down in his playpen and covered him with a blanket. "All I want is what is best for him. But I don't know what that is."

"Think about you for a second. What do you want? I mean if you and Dean didn't have kids, where would you be about this?"

"If we didn't have Jackson I wouldn't still be with him. I have spent the last several months trying everything I can think of to make this work. But I can't fix what is wrong by myself. I am willing to fight to save my marriage, Elliot, but I am the only one doing the fighting. And Dean seems perfectly happy to board a plane and abandon his wife and child every chance he gets. When he comes home I am so happy to see him. I try to do things like cook special dinners and plan romantic evenings. And it seems like all he does is try to spend as much time away from me as possible. He doesn't even seem like he misses me anymore when he is gone. And the sex…." she blurted out before realizing what she had just said.

Elliot's head shot up as her eyes widened half in embarrassment. He watched as she began to blush a bit and stared at the floor.

"I guess you don't want to hear about that. A little bit too much information."

"You need to talk, Liv. I'm here to listen. About anything."

"It isn't uncomfortable for you talking to me about sex with my husband?"

"We used to talk about sex all of the time. We used to talk about everything. From dating troubles to that time you were late on your period and had a pregnancy scare from a one night stand and you didn't even know his name. And every detail about every single time that Kathy and I split up and then got back together. We're friends….best friends and this is what friends do, Liv. They talk about things, all sorts of things and they just be there for each other."

"We really have been through a lot together."

"I've missed us. Like that. The way we used to be. I hated that we grew apart when you moved. I felt like I'd lost you. And now it seems, as things begin to come back around to our old normal, that I have gotten you back," he said as she smiled at him.

"I've missed us, too."

"I am always here for you, Olivia. And we can talk about anything you want to talk about. Even sex with your husband," he clarified.

She smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear trying to muster up the courage to finish the conversation they had begun earlier.

"I would do anything for him. And I am almost ashamed to say that I have done many things that I wouldn't have thought I would ever do….for him. Sexual things."

"This jerk makes you do things?"

"You've been married, El. Not everything that I do is about me anymore. If trying new and….strange things in bed was what it took to please my husband then I was more than willing to do so. I loved him. I still do. And all I want is to make him happy," she said as a tear slid down her cheek. "To make him love me the way that he did before. When I was his world and he would call me every day to tell me how much he missed me. And that he loved me and he couldn't wait to come back home to me. I want the man that I fell in love with just a few short years ago. I want the man that I married. But he has become someone else. Something else completely. He is cruel and hateful and hurts me just because he can."

"He hurts you?" Elliot asked sitting up at attention.

"Not physically. He just does and says mean things to cut me down or make me feel bad about myself. He cheats. Or he has. He says he doesn't anymore, but he constantly comes home and tells me about all of the women he could have had, but he didn't because he is married to me. What is that? Is that supposed to be some kind of compliment?"

"He is an asshole, Liv. He is a jerk on a power trip and he gets off on hurting you. He likes the control it gives him. Knowing that he can be the one to make you smile and make you cry. That is a horrible way to be around anyone. He is an idiot who doesn't realize what a beautiful and loving person his wife it. This is neglect and abuse, Olivia, and it isn't good for you or for Jackson."

"It gets worse. There have been many times that he has done things in front of Jack. Puts his hands on me and says inappropriate things. And he never fails to remind me that he never wanted the baby. He says he only agreed to try to get pregnant to shut me up. He isn't a good father, Elliot."

"He isn't a good husband either, Liv. You deserve more."

"My son deserves more. I am afraid of what kind of man my son will grow to be with Dean as the only real male figure in his life. But part of me wants desperately to make this work so that Jackson has a mother and a father. A real family. He deserves that too."

"He does deserve more. But so do you. And Jackson is not going to be happy if mommy is miserable."

"That's just it, Elliot. I am only miserable because Dean won't allow me to be happy. Any time we are doing well and things are looking up, he finds some way to be negative and mess things up. And it seems like he finds thing to argue about, even if he has to create it or pick a fight."

"It sounds like he likes being miserable and making everyone around him miserable as well. I know you love him and he is the father of your son, but does this man ever treat you right? Is he ever sweet or kind to you? Is he compassionate at all? He should find ways every day to show you how much he loves and appreciates you. He should respect you and Jackson and put the two of you above everything else in life. He is selfish when he should be selfless. A real man would treat you like the lady you are. He should be finding creative little ways to be romantic to show you just how much you mean to him. He should treat you like a princess."

Olivia smiled shyly.

"Not every man is a hopeless romantic like you."

"I just want him to treat you better. People don't treat their dogs the way he treats you, Olivia. You are his wife, his equal, his partner in life. Not someone for him to cut down and stomp all over to make him feel better about himself. A gorgeous wife and a beautiful child can't make a bad person look good."

Olivia was quiet for a moment.

"I don't mean to be harsh. You came to me for support…."

"No," she said softly, "you're right. I have only seen things from where I stand. I was beginning to think I was just feeling sorry for myself. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do."

"Honey, you can't keep living like this. You need more as a person. And if he really cares about you, he would work with you to change the things that aren't working. He needs to change and step up to be the husband he promised to be."

"You can't make someone change if they don't want to Elliot. And I cannot make him love me. I'm really not even sure he does anymore. It seems more like he resents me, for some reason. And I don't even know why."

"Do you want me to talk to him?" he asked sitting up straight in a protective manner.

"No," she laughed. "You are liable to kill him," she joked.

"Seriously, though, if you want me to have a little man to man with him I will. And I promise I will behave."

"Thanks, El. But I really don't think that is necessary. I think that I can handle this."

"I just don't want him walking all over you when you're trying to stand up for yourself. He needs to take this seriously and realize that there really is a problem here."

"I'm going to talk to him. I'm gonna lay it all out on the table and if he wont work with me to fix this, then I am going to have to move on. I don't want to leave my husband and break up my family. But we can't go on living like this. I am going to give him an ultimatum. Change the way you treat me and our son, or….or I have no choice but to leave."

Elliot reached over and squeezed her hand in his.

"I just need to have some kind of plan in place before I talk to him. I have to have some options. If Jack and I do stay here in New York, we can't live in this hotel room forever. I need to figure out some sort of living arrangements for the two of us….should I need them."

"Right, but you can't keep looking in the ghetto."

Olivia busted out laughing.

"It wasn't the ghetto!"

"Tell me that place wasn't as bad on the inside as it looked on the outside!"

"It was awful," she agreed with a laugh. "You know that man actually had the nerve to suggest I make Jackson sleep in the closet!"

"Does he realize that is child abuse?"

"He referred to it as the second bedroom. But it was a closet. No windows, a light bulb hanging from the ceiling with a string and it isn't even big enough to house my shoes, let alone my child. I might as well get one of those wire dog kennels and let him sleep in my room."

"I can help you look if you'd like."

"That would actually be great. I've been searching the papers, but there doesn't seem to be much worth even looking at. Not in my price range, anyway."

"You should check some of the real estate companies in the area. They usually have a huge list of great apartments around the city. And you can tell them what you are looking for, what price range and in what kind of neighborhood. Let them do all the footwork."

"I'm looking to rent, El, not buy. I don't have the money for any of those places. I have about three thousand dollars stashed away in an emergency fund I started about a year ago. I don't have a job, I don't have any income. I have a child. That's it."

"We will find you something. And if all else fails, you and Jackson can crash at my place for a little while. Just until we find something suitable for the two of you."

"Oh yeah, that would go over really well with Dean! Besides, you have a one bedroom apartment. You don't have the room for us."

"I'll make room. You and the baby can have the bed and I'll sleep on the sofa."

"I don't know, El. I don't want to put you out like that."

"Put me out? Listen, you are not a burden. I am not going to let you just get tossed out on the street. You are my family, Olivia. As long as I have a place, you have a place."

Olivia smiled a weary smile.

"Thanks, El."

"And you know, Cragen would give you your job back in a heartbeat. All you'd have to do is go in and talk to him. He'd be happy to help you out."

"I thought about it. I actually miss the SVU. But I can't face the dangers and put in the hours of that job now. Not with a toddler at home. Especially if I am about to become a single parent."

"It sounds like you have been a single parent for quite some time now."

"I need something where I can be home with him in the evenings. Something safer, something where I don't get shot at every day. I just want to make this transition, should there be one, as easy as possible on my son."

Elliot smiled.

"You are such an amazing mother. I always knew you would be. And Jackson is a very lucky little boy to have a mommy who loves him so much."

"More than anything in the world. I would do anything for him. And it kills me that his father doesn't feel the same way."

"Maybe this is the wake up call he needs. Maybe this little talk will force him to realize how bad things have gotten and how unhappy his wife and baby are. Maybe he will surprise us both and step up to the plate."

"Maybe," she agreed. "Or maybe not. I am scared."

"You don't think he will hurt you? If he lays a hand on you or Jack I will break both his arms."

"I don't think he would be stupid enough to do anything like that. It would make him look bad. He would be more likely to do what he can to make my life miserable."

"Hang in there. It is gonna get better. I promise you that."

"I hope you're right."