Do Over

(Chapter Five: The Cold Hard Truth)

Olivia stared at the screen on her phone as she drew a deep breath. Part of her couldn't believe she was doing this, the other part knew she would go through Hell if it meant getting back the husband she loved so dearly.

"Your table is this way, ma'am," the host said as she carried her son through the restaurant to meet his father for dinner.

"Hey, little man," Dean replied taking Jackson from Olivia as he pulled out a chair for her. "How's my girl?" he asked with a wink.

"I'm alright," she said softly.

"I missed you guys," he replied kissing his son as he slid a high chair up to the table.

"We missed you, too," she replied sincerely.

Something about him was different tonight. Olivia was hardly able to believe her ears when Dean had called her and asked her to return to D.C. and spend the weekend with him. His work had brought him back for a few days and he said it would be nice if she and Jack would come home as well and they could spend a little family time together before he had to leave again. A voice inside her head screamed that it was all too good to be true, but so far he had been quite sincere.

Olivia smiled as she caught her husband staring at her with his flirty smile and instantly she remembered exactly what it was that had made her so attracted to him. He was successful and attractive, rich and a powerful man in the right circles, yes….but none of this had mattered to her. The one quality Dean had that sealed the deal was that he adored her and made her feel as if she were the only woman in the entire world.

Silly, she thought, how easily this part of life once came to them, but had now become so hard to find. Those moments, little glances, shy and bashful as if stolen from another. She had forgotten how good being in love could feel. She'd forgotten how good it felt to have someone love you like that. How wonderful and alive it made her feel. And that night, in the house they'd made a home, with their son sound asleep in his crib, Dean Porter reminded her just how great things could be.

Afterward, wrapped in the warmth and safety of his arms, Olivia couldn't help but feel memorized as she watched him sleep. Their bodies naked together tangled in a thin layer of cotton sheet and post coital sweat, she just stared at him. Feeling equal parts hopeful, anxious, foolish and ashamed, she raised up just a bit and brushed her nose against his.

"Huh?" Dean groaned, but didn't open his eyes.

"I love you," she whispered.

Her breath caught in her throat and her heart refused to beat as she anticipated his response. Just then, his snores began to echo through their bedroom. Olivia fought back tears as she settled back into her pillow, in their bed, where they were once a seemingly happy couple and worried that things might really be over for good this time.

The next morning Olivia kissed her husband's cheek before climbing from the bed. She moved downstairs and made a bottle for Jackson and handed it over the side of the crib. Then she stood under a stream of hot water until it seemed hours had passed.

She still wasn't quite sure exactly what last night had meant to Dean, but she knew what it had meant to her. In the heat of the passion and kisses she had longed for, for such a long time now, Olivia had found herself once more attempting to prove to him that they could still be the incredible couple they once were. As much as it was blindly obvious that breaking up may very well be the best thing for everyone involved, she couldn't help but find herself still so deeply in love with her husband. Staying with him might one day kill her, even still, it should prove to be a quicker death than the slow agony that would surely await her if she chose to leave.

She turned off the water wrapping herself in a towel and wiped the steam from the mirror. She stared into her own dark eyes and was forced to face the pain this man had put there. How could he hurt her the way that he did, yet still the one thing she wanted more than anything else was for him to still want her, to still love her the way that he did before.

"Can you shut that kid up?" Dean Porter growled from the bedroom as he covered his head with a pillow and ignored his son's cries.

Olivia made her way into the nursery Jackson stood holding on to the side of the crib. "Hey buddy," she said sweetly as the baby reached out for her.

Olivia smiled and picked him up. She hugged him tight and spoke softly in comforting words as she wiped away his little tears.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Dean barked as he took the boy from her arms.

"He's probably just a little uneasy about waking up in a strange place. He'll be fine."

"He never screamed like that at my mothers. And this isn't a strange place, this is his home."

"That's because your mother hired a nanny to take care of him when he is there so that she doesn't have to deal with him," she replied handing him the bottle she prepared. "I know this is his home, but we have not been back here in weeks. It is still strange for him going back and forth like this."

"I didn't have to be up for another half hour."

"I'm sorry he woke you. I can take him if you want to lay back down for a while."

"I'm up now," he replied as she took Jackson from his father and kissed his little forehead.

"I should have been half way across the country by now, but I let you talk me into taking the later flight."

"I saved you a red eye. And I thought it would be nice if you had breakfast with your family before you had to go. I can't remember the last time the three of us sat together for a meal. It may seem hard to believe, but we miss you when you are away."

"You miss me? And you push me away when I try to touch you?"

"I do miss you. I miss us. I miss us as a family. The way it used to be when we first brought him home and…."

"And?"

"And you couldn't wait to come home and spend time with us. Now it seems like you are always leaving. Flying off somewhere."

"I have a job to do. You knew that when you married me."

"I feel like we're falling apart Dean," she said softly and he watched her as she began to cry once more. "And I would gladly fight….I would do anything to try to save our marriage….if I could only know that you wanted to save it too."

Dean stared at her, but said nothing. Olivia drew a deep breath as she wiped a tear from her cheek.

"Because it doesn't do me any good to fight to save us, if you are not willing to do the same. I love you with all of my heart. And living like this is killing me inside. But I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't force you to spend time with your wife and son because this is where you should be, if you don't want to be here. Some things have to change here Dean, because things the way that they are now just are not working anymore. It isn't healthy for him or us for that matter, to be like this. Being apart for weeks at a time and doing nothing but fighting when we are together. I love you. And I want to make our marriage….our family, work. I will do anything."

She sat quietly, barely able to breathe and waited for him to speak.

"You're right. None of this is healthy for him. I think we should consider a separation. I'll call my lawyer when I get back to D.C. after this trip."

He watched as Olivia broke down crying.

"We're no good for each other," he continued. "I'll leave you the credit cards," he said pulling two cards from his wallet and dropping them on the table in front of her. "I'll pay the bills up for the rest of the month and give you money to find a new place. I'm assuming you want to go back to New York."

Olivia wiped her face and nodded her head slowly.

"You were the only reason I moved to D.C.," she whispered.

"You have your debit card and I will wire some money to your account to help with expenses until you get back on your feet. Don't think I am going to support you for the rest of your life."

"I don't want your money."

"I will send you money to help with him, that's it. I will have my lawyer contact you to make some kind of custody agreement. I guess that's it."

"Okay," was all she could say.

Olivia carried her son into the bedroom where they sat on the edge of the bed and watched Dean pack his things to leave them behind once more.

"There's more," she said softly staring at him with sad eyes.

"Of course there is. I didn't expect it to be that easy," He replied grabbing his bag as she followed him down the hall while he tossed his shaving kit and toothbrush inside.

Olivia spoke softly as she cradled their little boy in her arms. But her words enraged him. Dean raised his voice and yelled at her, causing Jack to cry once more and she felt the sting of his open palm across her cheek. She stared at her husband with tears in her eyes, unable to speak. Unable to react at all.

Olivia whispered softly to her son to comfort him and turned to make her way down to the kitchen to start them some real breakfast. The next thing she knew she was on the floor at the bottom of the staircase and Jackson's cries had stopped.

It was just after five o'clock when Elliot finally got out of court. He was running late to pick the kids up for his weekend and moved quickly down the hall eyeing his escape route.

"Detective?" a man called from behind him.

"I'm sorry, I don't have to talk right now. If you need anything just contact me at the precinct on Monday," he said without turning around.

"I think you are gonna want to take this, Detective Stabler," the man insisted. "They said it was an emergency when I took the message."

"Emergency?" Elliot asked taking the slip of paper from the man's hand and opening it. "When did they call?"

"A few hours ago."

"Hours? Why didn't you bring it to me then?"

"You were in court. Judge Bradley doesn't like anyone interrupting for any reason."

"There is a reason they call it an emergency," Elliot snapped pushing past the man as he ran for his car.

Olivia opened her eyes and could feel someone watching her. She raised up in the bed and squinted to focus her eyes on the figure in the corner of the room.

"Hey," Elliot whispered softly.

"You're here," she said softly.

"Of course, I am here. There is nowhere else I would be."

"I had to tell them you were my brother to get them to let you in," she said forcing a smile. "Little white lie. But they only allow family in the ICU."

"Olivia, what the hell happened?" he asked sitting beside her bed and placing his hand on hers.

"I'm fine, really. And Jackson is going to be okay. They are renovating the East wing and all of the regular beds are full. So, they put us here instead."

Elliot just stared at her.

"I know that isn't what you meant," she said softly looking down as the sleeping child beside her. "I had Jackson in my arms and he was crying and crying. Dean was packing to leave and I turned to take the baby downstairs and make him some breakfast. The next thing I knew I was laying on the floor at the foot of the stairs and the house was quiet."

Elliot reached up and brushed away a tear from her cheek with his thumb.

"He was so quiet, Elliot. For a moment I thought….I really thought he was dead," she whispered.

"You didn't fall, did you?" Elliot asked as she stared silently into his eyes unable to answer.

"Liv?"

"It wasn't an accident," she said softly.

"Are you sure?"

"I am positive."

"Dean pushed you?"

"I didn't trip or slip or just fall. It was more than that. I didn't see him push me, but I know he did."

"How can you be sure it was intentional?"

She was quiet for a moment as she kissed the top of Jack's head then looked up at him.

"Because I had just told him I was pregnant," she whispered. "Then I felt his hand in the middle of my back."

Elliot closed his eyes for a moment choking back tears of his own.

"I guess he took care of that little problem," she said softly.

"Olivia, I am so, so sorry."

Elliot squeezed her hand and kissed her forehead.

"We should contact the police and tell them that he intentionally hurt you. You should file a report. It is their job to protect you. That bastard won't get away with this."

"I got an order of protection against him this morning. They called the police for me when the ambulance brought us into the ER. That buys me a little time. Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do."

"I would like for you to come back home with me," Elliot said softly as he shifted his weight in the chair. "I know you have a lot to decide and I am not trying to make your mind up for you in anyway. I just want to know you and Jackson are safe. And I really think you could use some support, people on your side. That order of protection might keep him away from you, but it still leaves you all alone. Do you have any friends in this area that could help you through this?"

"The only friends I have here are couple friends. And I assure you, Dean will have them turned against me by tomorrow morning."

"Come home," Elliot requested staring into her tired eyes.

"Of course," she replied with a soft smile. "I had already intended on moving back when I decided to leave. I let myself get all swept up in sex and romance and for a very brief moment in time I actually believed we could make it all okay again. That was last night, but everything changed this morning. We talked about the divorce. And I told him about the pregnancy. Then….then all of this happened. I just need to get away, I need to get Jackson as far away from him right now as I can. I don't know when he became the monster he has transformed into, but I am afraid for him to be around my son. He is like Jekyll and Hyde lately and I don't know what his problem is. He acts like he hates me, then last night it was like it was when we were first married. He loved me again, I could see it in his eyes. This morning, he changed back into the monster right in front of my eyes."

"He needs help. Anger management or something. I realize another pregnancy just as the two of you decided to file for divorce was probably not on his agenda, but it isn't like you planned it that way on purpose." He paused for a moment and looked into her eyes. "Was it a planned pregnancy?"

"No, it wasn't. Obviously I should have been more careful about things. I knew for months that I wanted to leave, but we hadn't been together in such a long time. I didn't see any point in renewing my birth control prescription, because we weren't having sex. There were only a few times we were even together and it took a lot of trying to get pregnant with Jack, I guess I didn't think it would happen. Something else I was wrong about. This may not have been the ideal situation for a new pregnancy, but I was happy about the baby. I had planned to keep it. I know raising two kids on my own would have only complicate things further, but this was my baby. You know?"

"Yea, I know."

"I didn't want anything from him. I only told him because I wanted to be honest with him. I thought he had a right to know if he was going to have a second child in this world. Things had been calm all morning, even when we discussed the separation he seemed civil. If I had thought for a moment things would turn out the way they did I would have kept it a secret. I guess none of that really matters now."

"Everything matters. He has no right to treat you this way and no right, under any circumstances to put his hands on you. His eleven month old son is not in the ICU with a concussion because this man cannot control his temper. He shouldn't be anywhere you or Jack. At least not until he learns how to control himself."

"We should be discharged sometime tomorrow. My treatment was actually outpatient. They only admitted me so that I could stay with Jack. The doctor just wants to keep an eye on him through the night. They will check us both out in the morning and as long as everything looks alright, we should be discharged by noon. Unfortunately, by the time I got to the hospital and realized I was bleeding….it was too late for them to do anything to save the baby. I was so worried about Jackson that I didn't even think about being pregnant."

"You should get some rest," Elliot said brushing some hair from her eyes as he kissed her forehead. "I will be right here if you need anything through the night. I'm renting a car to drive home, so we will have room to take some more of your stuff back with us."

"You don't have room for anymore stuff."

"So we will get a storage unit….something. You will need things when you get your new place. And I don't want you to have any reason you have to come back here to get them."

"Trust me. When we leave here tomorrow, I don't ever plan on coming back."