Do Over

(Chapter Seven: Moving On)

Olivia opened her eyes and stretched at the first sight of sunlight as it began to peek through the blinds. She yawned and smiled as she rolled on her side to comb her fingers through Jackson's hair as he laid sleeping beside her.

"Mommy loves you so much, buddy," she whispered kissing him as he stirred just a bit. "Everything I do is for you."

She tucked the blanket around the little boy and surrounded him with pillows as she climbed from the bed. Digging around in her duffel bag, Olivia found her favorite pair of blue jeans. She dressed quickly and tiptoed down the hall, careful not to wake anyone else.

Elliot groaned inhaling deeply to take in the wonderful aroma that seemed to dance around him. He laughed a bit and opened his eyes in an attempt to figure out where the smells originated.

"Hey," he laughed. "She cooks!"

"She does," Olivia replied with a smile as she poured him a cup of coffee.

"This is amazing. You have always made the best coffee. And what is all of this?" he asked inspecting the food she had obviously been cooking all morning.

"I slipped out and went down to the corner market this morning. You hardly had any groceries at all."

"Yea, well, I don't really eat here that often. I am usually at the precinct and we order pizza or eat burgers…."

"Or foot long hotdogs from that stand on 18th," she added with a sly smile. "I used to work there too, remember."

Elliot chuckled.

"I miss those days," he confessed.

"I miss the fries from that stand," she joked.

"Combo number three, with a large iced tea," Elliot remembered.

"Hot dog with sour kraut and grilled onions. Nice and hot, with mustard on top," she said with a smile. "I craved their hot dogs the entire time I was pregnant."

"Dean could have brought back and bought you a hot dog. We all would have been very glad to see you."

"Well, Dean wasn't home most of the time that I was pregnant. And I should have done a lot of things differently," she confessed handing him a plate of eggs, bacon and biscuits.

"Don't kick yourself for your mistakes, Liv. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Just learn from it and use it to set yourself up for a brighter future."

She smiled a weary smile and exhaled slowly. Elliot could tell from the look on her face she was trying hard not to cry.

"You did everything that you could," he pointed out. "Not loving you enough, that was his mistake. Not yours. Everything that you do is for that little boy," Elliot said watching Jackson as he played with a spoon and an empty cereal bowl. "There is nothing wrong with that."

"I just don't know what I am gonna tell him when he is older and he comes to me asks about his father. When he asks why his daddy doesn't live with us or come see us very often."

"You tell him the truth. That you tried. That you gave it your best and that sometimes no matter how hard you try at something, things just do not work out the way you hoped they would. You tell him that you and his father both love him very much. He will come to understand. And if you are happy, Olivia, he will be happy too."

"I hope you are right."

"Oh, I am always right," he joked and she laughed. "He is a happy little boy. And he knows his mommy loves him more than anything in the world. And someday he will understand all of the sacrifices that you made for him and the things that you went through to assure him a safe and happy life. You're a good momma. I know you know that, but I also know that sometimes you just need to hear it."

She smiled.

"Thanks for everything, El."

"That's what friends are for. And I will always be here for you and for him, no matter what. You know that don't you?"

"I do."

"So, do the two of you have any big plans for the day?"

"Well, I need to find a lawyer. And an apartment. And a job," she replied exhaling loudly as she sat her coffee cup down on the table in front of her. "It's gonna be a long day."

"Casey might be able to recommend a good divorce attorney. I am not much help in the apartment area, but you are welcome here as long as you need or would like to stay. It's kind of nice having company. Especially company who cooks and cleans," he joked. "And I am pretty sure I know a place that would hand you a job, all you have to do is walk through the door."

"I don't know, El."

"Oh, come on. You know we would love to have you back. And you were amazing at the job. The best part of the team. We could really use you. And I know Cragen wouldn't hesitate to bring you back."

"I know. And I appreciate that, really I do. I just don't know if that is the kind of work I am looking to be in anymore."

Elliot stared at her and couldn't believe what she was saying to him.

"I thought you said you missed it?"

"I did," she replied shifting her attention toward her son once more. "But my priorities have changed now. I think it is just too dangerous for me to go back to that line of work now that I am…."

She paused for a moment and bit her lower lip.

"Just moving back to the city?" he asked.

"A single parent," she said softly. "I would love nothing more than to be able to go back to work with the SVU. But I just don't think that returning to a career where people shoot at me on a daily basis is the best thing for Jackson."

"I didn't think of it that way. And I am sure Dean would have a hay day with that one in court."

"Yea. I got a paper while Jack and I were out shopping this morning and have been sifting through the help wanted section."

"Anything look promising?"

"Um, a bank down town is looking for a loan officer. But I am not sure if I would really qualify for that. I figured I would apply anyway just in case a teller position opened up. And there is an ad for a pharmacy tech. That one says they will train you, but they want someone who can work nights and weekends. I don't really know what I can work right now. At least not until I figure out who will be watching him."

She wrinkled her nose and scratched her fingers through her hair the way she did when something was getting to her.

"Take your time. This is your first day back and I know that you want to get this all taken care of as so as possible, but there is really no rush. Don't stress yourself out any more than you already are. It will all work out."

"I guess I'd better add finding a daycare for Jack to the top of my to do list," she said with a nervous smile. "I have been a stay at home mom since he was born. I have never really left him with anyone. Dean has taken him to visit his mother in Connecticut a few times, but there has always been one of us there with him," she said softly suddenly realizing.

"Like I said, no rush. Why don't you take it one step at a time? One day at a time. Today," he replied picking up her pen from the table and circling the first thing on her list, "start by finding a lawyer. Give Casey a call. I know she would love to hear from you."

"That sounds like a good place to start," she replied exhaling slowly.

"So does uncle El get to see the two of you for a lunch date? I'll buy you both a hot dog."

"Sure. I am going to give my little fried here a bath and lay him down for a nap so that he will be on his best behavior while mommy goes around picking up applications. Do you mind if I use your computer to type up a resume?"

"No problem. Make yourself at home. And Liv, try to take a few moments of down time just for yourself. Take a hot bath or read your book. Something for you."

"I will," she said with a smile as she drew a deep breath. "But you don't have to worry about us, Uncle Elliot. We are going to be just fine."

Elliot could tell she was really trying to assure herself.

"I'll make sure of it," he added as he kissed the top of her head protectively. "Jackson, give me five, pal."

Olivia laughed as Elliot held up the little boy's hand and taught him how to do a high five.

"You take care of your mommy while I'm gone, okay?"

Jackson smiled and cooed back at Elliot then talked a little baby gibberish as he pointed at him.

"It's a deal pal," Elliot said patting the toddler on his head as he picked up his jacket and keys and headed for the door. "Seriously though, Liv, if you need me I am only a phone call away."

"I know," she said with a nod.

"Have a great day," he said pointing at her.

"You, too."

She waved as he closed the apartment door, then she turned to face her son.

"What do you say we give you a bath?" she asked as Jackson pointed at her. "Mommy will lay down with you and we will watch TV until you all asleep. Then I have got to get to work on this list so that I can build a nice new life for us. It's you and me now, kid. And we can't just keep living here off Uncle Elliot like a couple of bums. You like Uncle Elliot, don't you?"

She smiled as Jackson babbled right on que.

"I'm glad you like him. You could really use a positive male role model in your life. And since it is going to be a very, very, very, very long time before mommy even considers dating again, Uncle Elliot might be as good as it gets. He's a really good guy and lord knows your father has not always set the best example for you."

Jackson gurgled a little more adding his part to the conversation.

"Ma," he said with a smile as his dark eyes widened to stare into hers as he clapped his hands together.

"Ma loves you too kiddo," she replied scooping him up in her arms and cradling him like she used to do when he was an infant. "It is bath time, mister!"

Olivia rinsed out the bath tub as Jackson stood holding onto it to splash his hands in the water coming out of the faucet. She pulled a hand full of plastic blocks from the diaper bag and tossed them into the tub as she started the as she adjusted the water, then stripped her son down and sat him into it.

She smiled as Jackson squealed in delight and giggled as he splashed in the water.

"Try to keep it in the tub, son."

Jackson smiled and laughed again as she sat beside the tub to play with him in the water. So many things were going wrong in her life right now and inside she felt like she could fall apart at any moment. The truth was she was barely holding herself together.

Two days ago she had suffered a miscarriage and her marriage had fallen apart right in front of her eyes. She had no job and no home. She had a son. The most amazing gift God had ever given her. And she was determined to make it through all of this in one piece for him.

As broken and wounded as she felt, as badly as she just wanted to curl up in bed right now feeling sorry for herself and cry for a few days, she had no choice but to push forward. She had she couldn't break down now, Jackson was depending on her to get them both through this.

But each time she saw his beautiful carefree smile, each time she heard him laugh and giggle it made this pain she felt inside hurt a tiny bit less. He was truly happy. He didn't know any better than to be. And this let her know that in all of the things that had gone wrong, she was going something right.

Seeing Jack happy, helped her to know that things may not be the greatest right now but they were going to get better. She….they would make it through this….together. And they would both be stronger, better people because of it.

That evening when Elliot got home, Olivia had cooked dinner for them.

"I don't know why, but every time you cook this apartment smells so amazing. But if I even turn on the stove you can smell the burn stench half way down the block."

Olivia smiled.

"It's just fried chicken, Elliot."

"You know, I do not remember the last time that I had fried chicken and it didn't come from a bucket."

She giggled.

"How was your day?" she asked as she scooted Jackson in to the table in his little booster seat.

"It was good. We had the second part of the trial today."

"How is that going?" she asked handing Jack a bit of dinner roll.

"They have decided to prosecute the Daniels case in two parts, different from the others. Since he held the Daniels boy longer, we have included a kidnapping charge. That part of the trial we did before. The other kids he killed within hours of their abduction. So this part of the trial is for the total six counts of first degree murder."

"That sounds like a challenge."

"We're hoping to bring longer time by separating the charges. I spent the morning talking to Mrs. Daniels, walking her through what may or may not be brought up in court."

"I am sure it meant a lot to her that it was you there."

"You spend hours trying to prep them for what they are about to see, but there is no way to prepare a parent for that moment when they pull out enlarged photographs of her son's butchered body. I spent my day sitting there holding her hand while she fell apart and I am still not sure this guy is going to prison where he needs to be."

"Trust me it would be a lot harder on her if she didn't have you there with her."

"The jury is still out. I'm hoping they'll come back in tomorrow morning with a guilty verdict. How was your day?"

"Our day was busy. I called Casey and got a voicemail of course because she was in court with you. Later she sent me a text asking me to meet her for coffee in the morning to catch up on things. She also sent me the name and number of a friend of hers who happens to be an amazing divorce attorney."

"What did he say?"

"She was able to get me in for a consultation this afternoon."

"And it went well?"

"She is familiar with Dean's attorney and his spotless record. And she says she is willing to represent me."

"She is willing to?"

"She is good. And his lawyer is good. It is going to be hard to find someone who knows his tricks and can fight him back at his own game. If it gets ugly in court Elliot, I have to have someone who can play hardball. Not some inexperienced rookie who just passed the bar and is looking for their first day in court. So far Dean seems pretty compliant with everything about the divorce situation. But that is likely to change once his mother and lawyer get involved. He knows I don't have the money to afford a really good lawyer. All they would have to do is drag it out until I couldn't fight anymore."

"And I wouldn't put it past him."

"Casey trusts her and she comes very highly recommended."

"And you like her?"

"I do. I hired her this afternoon."

"That's great. I am glad to hear you got someone good. You need someone in your corner in that court room."

"I also turned in a few resumes, but no luck yet. I played around on google and found a list of the top recommended daycares in Manhattan. I called a few of them and set up appointments to go visit two of them tomorrow. It is going to be hard for me to leave him, but I definitely think that seeing the daycare and meeting the people who will be caring for him will help ease me into it."

"Make sure that you choose a place that has video cameras."

"That is actually on my list of necessities. I think they should all have cameras now days. I am strangely suspicious of the ones who don't."

"And I know I'm not really supposed to, but if you want to throw a few names my way I might be able to do a little digging. You know? Just make sure they don't have any skeletons in their closets. I know how hard it can be to find peace of mind when you are trusting a stranger to care for your baby."

"I think it might be a little easier if he could talk. But it worries me that he can't even come and tell me if someone is mean to him or hurts him. But this is something I need to work on now while he is little. I don't want to end up being that crazy neurotic mother who is so over protective that my kid grows up to become the next Norman Bates."

Elliot laughed.

"I want him to be happy and healthy and grow to be a successful, independent adult."

"Isn't that what we all want? You are doing fine. And he will be fine. You are just in a very stressful place right now. But things are starting to fall into place and soon you will see that everything is going to be just fine."

Just then the doorbell rang and Elliot moved to open the door. Wiped off Jackson's face and hands as she pulled him from his seat.

"It's for you," Elliot replied turning to her with concern in his eyes.

Olivia kissed the top of her son's head and handed him to Elliot as she approached the man standing at the door.

"Olivia Porter?" he asked, his beady little eyes peering almost angrily at her.

"Yes," she responded nervously.

"You've been served," he snapped placing a manila envelope in her hand. "Sign on the line please," he said practically shoving a clip board into her face.

Elliot drew a deep breath as he bounced Jackson gently to entertain him and watched her pick up the pen. She closed the door and stood with her back to him in silence for a few moments.

"That was quick," he said before he could catch himself.

Olivia pulled the pages from the envelope and her eyes began to scan over them. Elliot watched as she placed one hand against the wall to steady herself and he knew she was about to fall apart.

"Liv, I'm so sorry," he whispered trying hardtop comfort her.

Olivia turned to face him once more.

"He is suing me for full custody of Jackson," she whispered choking back tears as her bottom lip quivered uncontrollably.

She reached out taking her son from Elliot and hugged the baby boy tight as she broke into tears.