Note: I think I just killed a part of my own heart writing this. Please be prepared for the pain because if it hurts you as much as it has hurt me then you're going to need all of the preparation you can get. Good luck darlings and enjoy!
Love always
Shadow of a Black Rose xxx
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Since Vastra had been taking time off from work as she continued to recover from her injury conversation over dinner had varied quite a bit in the house on Paternoster Row. Where before Vastra would have recounted some of the criminals she had been dealing with as of late or a case that was proving particularly tough to handle the women had instead been discussing Jenny's training a lot more along with other parts of everyday life and on several occasions Vastra had attempted to introduce the possibility of them hiring a new maid as it no longer felt right for Jenny to be doing the housework like a servant when Vastra viewed her as an equal.
"Jenny my love, may I ask you something?" As Jenny cut through the meat on her plate she looked up at Vastra suspiciously, convinced that once again the woman was attempting to take her job from her and replace her with some new girl who would never know how to clean the house just as she liked it done.
"If this is about that new maid idea o' yours again you can forget it. I've told you a thousand times ma'am, if you 'ire a new maid I won't know what to do with myself during the day, an' besides we'd never find someone who wouldn't take one look at you an' go runnin' around London screamin' about monsters." she smiled apologetically for a moment, knowing she hadn't phrased that as well as she could have. "Not that you're a monster o' course," she added, "but you know 'ow other 'umans can be."
"Quite," Vastra responded, a little more coldly than intended "But that was not actually what I wanted to ask you about. The maid raised her eyebrow, what on earth could she possibly want to ask about that she had to ask permission before asking then? It wasn't as though the two kept secrets from one another, Jenny would tell Vastra anything she wanted to know and the Silurian knew that. So why was Vastra acting as though whatever it was was a sensitive topic? The confusion on her face must have been clear because Vastra slid a hand over Jenny's own and squeezed it gently.
"It's about your past... well, in a way at least." The Silurian saw the light fade in Jenny's eyes and she felt her heart sink a little. "I was just wondering why you had not yet been to visit your family," she explained softly "I know you are not fond of the life you led before my dear but you seemed to care for your family very much. It just seems odd to me that you have lived with me for months now and not once have you shown any inclination towards wanting to see them." Vastra didn't want to upset Jenny, that was the last thing she wanted, but thoughts of the girl's relationship with her family had been bothering her for weeks and it had reached the point when she could no longer suppress her curiosity. Jenny appeared to be thinking about it for a long while. Her eyes had dropped to the plate of food in front of her and she was moving it about with her fork, seeming to have lost her appetite.
"I do care for 'em," she muttered eventually, still not looking Vastra in the eye "but things 'ave changed now that..." her voice trailed off and she bit her bottom lip lightly, a small frown creasing her brow. Vastra flinched slightly, she had hoped that Jenny's response would not concern their relationship but it seemed those hopes had been in vain. It hurt her to know that she was the reason that the girl had been estranging herself from those who had brought her into this world and raised her to be the girl that she was. Vastra knew what it was like to lose her family, and she hated to think that Jenny may be forcing herself to hurt so much all for her sake.
"Jenny, I..."
"Don't. Don't try an' tell me I need to see 'em Vastra, I can't. I've told you 'ow they'd feel about our relationship an' I know that they wouldn't 'ave to know an' that nothin' would 'ave to change between me an' them as long as they thought I was just your 'ousemaid but I couldn't lie to 'em." Jenny lifted her attention from her plate to look at Vastra once more and she sighed softly at the sight of her love. "I made my decision that first time I let you make love to me, an' I chose you." Vastra's thumb gently stroked the back of Jenny's hand, still held in her own, and she nodded her head, her eyes downcast and locked on their hands held between them on the table.
"I know you're scared of them finding out about us my love, but you cannot avoid them forever. They know where you work do they not?" The girl nodded slightly and Vastra glanced up at her momentarily. "Then do you not think they will come to find you one day? You are their blood Jenny, they will worry if they do not hear from you. They may already be worrying, it has been months since you have seen them." Jenny knew Vastra was right, she knew that her mother would already be worrying and that her father would be wanting to see his daughter but she just couldn't bring herself to go back to the family home. She knew that if she were to step through the door of that shack that she used to call her home and see her family again she would be so overcome by the guilt of lying about what she had been doing in her time working for Vastra that she would eventually have to tell them the truth. Tears welled in her eyes and Vastra immediately slid her chair closer to her darling girl, cupping her cheek in her hand and brushing away the tears.
"I'm sorry," Jenny sobbed, leaning into the other woman's touch "I just feel so torn. I'm yours, but they'll never accept that. They'd disown me if they knew."
"Then perhaps their opinions are not needed." Vastra's voice was low and soothing and she pressed a kiss to the girl's forehead, sighing at her own stupidity in once again reducing Jenny to tears. "My dear, I cannot say I understand how a parent could renounce their own child for falling in love. To me any parent who would do such a thing is unworthy of having been given that child. If your family were Silurians your parents would become outcasts for turning against their child when all she did was follow her heart. That being said, however, I believe the only way you may move forward from this predicament my dear would be to meet with your family again." Jenny shook her head furiously but Vastra simply caressed her cheek in an attempt to soothe her. Silence fell between the two and for a long while they remained where they were, with the Silurian calming her maid as she thought things through. The clock ticked away the seconds on the mantle behind them and the meal before them lay forgotten.
A part of Vastra wished that she had not brought the subject to Jenny's attention. She so hated to be the cause of her love's tears, and yet she knew that the girl had to face reality eventually. Her parents would find out about the relationship between the two women eventually, Vastra was sure of it. She may have been an old warrior who had never started a family of her own but with age came wisdom and Vastra had millions of years worth of it. She knew that secrets kept would always be shared in the end and that whatever the result was it would always be okay in time. Yes, revelations often caused hurt and heartbreak, but wounds heal and time can piece a broken heart together again.
"You're right." Jenny's voice shook with tears and she couldn't bring herself to look up to the lizard woman before her but she forced herself to speak nevertheless. "By avoiding the matter I'm only makin' it worse. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong... maybe they'll not mind." Jenny knew she was lying to herself but it was all she could do to convince herself that she had to visit her old home. If she let herself think about the hurtful rejection she was most likely to receive she knew she would never find the courage to go back there. Vastra could only nod, knowing as well as Jenny that her initial instincts had probably been correct and yet praying that it would not be as bad as she feared it may be.
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Every bit of sense Jenny had was screaming at her, begging her to stop and go back. As she walked deeper and deeper into the poorer and more dangerous end of London she found her heart desperately trying to pull her back home, back to Vastra and safety and her little world where she was not judged for anything. She remembered these streets but not with fondness. They were a reminder of her past. A reminder of the poverty ridden life she had led before she had met Vastra. A reminder of the times when she had been forced to hide who she really was. She was getting closer to the house and her heart was beginning to race. She could see the front door of the family home, the paint peeling from the door and the house number that hung off so that the metal six appeared to be a nine. For a split second she thought she would turn back before she reached the door and run all the way home but she didn't. She wouldn't let herself. She had promised Vastra that she would go.
As she stepped up to the door and knocked everything seemed to stop and the sounds and feel of the world froze around her. The only thing that Jenny could hear was the beating of her own heart until the door creaked open and a face appeared, peering around the door. It was Mrs Green. She stared at Jenny for a long while with a perplexed look on her chubby and greying face before she realised who it was that stood before her. Her eyes widened as she recognised Jenny's face and she instantly took a step back.
"Well look who decided it were time to come 'ome," she drawled, looking Jenny up and down "Your mother was sayin' jus' las' night 'ow long it'd been since she las' saw you. Thought you'd never come back she said now you got a posh job in one o' them big 'ouses." Listening to the woman ramble on Jenny realised just how long she had been away. There had been a time when she had been able to understand Mrs Green's broad accent and even argue with her in raised voices when it worsened but at that moment she found herself having to listen extremely closely just to understand the old hag's snide remarks. She knew the woman hated her. They had never got on when she had lived there and as soon as Jenny had announced that she was leaving to work for Vastra Mrs Green's resentment had only deepened - she couldn't understand how the stuck up little madam from upstairs had managed to find a way to move up in the world while she and her family rotted in their hovel.
"Well I'm back." Jenny replied evenly, being careful not to move her gaze from the other woman's, knowing full well that to do so would be to display weakness. "Now, if you don't mind I'd like to see my family." Without waiting for a response Jenny barged past the woman and stormed through to the kitchen, being careful to hold her skirts up to avoid catching them on any of the broken floor boards.
Entering the kitchen the stench of dirty clothes and rotting food overpowered her and for a moment she had to stop in the doorway to adjust to the smell. She had forgotten how vile the place was, how filthy and misused. Jenny's kitchen at home was always spotless, and that was saying something when one considered the amount of blood that got splattered all over the place as she prepared meals. In comparison to what she had become accustomed to the kitchen of her childhood home was like a nightmare.
"J...Jenny?" The girl's mother was stood by the fire preparing dinner for the family as Jenny entered the kitchen and on seeing her daughter stood in the doorway she had almost dropped the pan of stew she was holding in shock. Her eyes roamed over her daughter's form in shock, her mouth hanging open slightly.
Jenny had changed a lot from the girl she had been when she had left the house months before. Her figure had filled out nicely from the richer, more filling and nutritious meals she'd been eating and the slight frame that her mother remembered had been replaced by gentle curves despite the fact that the girl remained fairly slim. Jenny's hair seemed to shine in the light of the fire as opposed to the matted mess it had once been and it was pinned behind her head in a modest bun where it had once fallen over her shoulders loosely. Her skin was clear and smooth with a gentle blush gracing her cheeks and her dark eyes sparkled with life. The final thing her mother noticed was her clothing. Jenny had only owned one plain grey dress when she had lived at home and her stockings, gloves, shawl and corset had all been tattered old hand-me-downs that she had received from her mother as birthday presents over the years. What Jenny wore that day was far from the attire she had once adorned. Vastra often treated the girl to clothing and jewellery that Jenny would wear when she went out alone as it allowed her to be seen as a higher class in public. When dressing that morning Jenny had considered wearing her uniform to avoid any unnecessary questions but, fearing that she would receive them no matter what she wore she had decided on an outfit that Vastra had bought for her only a few days before. The dress was made from a deep blue silk with white lace around the neck and arms and it flowed in layers down to the floor, with a bustle and corset forming her figure. Her boots peeped out from under the skirt, black Italian leather that was so well polished that it reflected the light of the fire that crackled in the hearth. Mrs Flint was awestruck. She had never imagined when she had bid her daughter farewell that she would return looking like royalty.
"Hello Mother" Jenny murmured, looking her mother's familiar face and form over with both fondness and a little pity. At her daughter's words the woman placed the pot of stew down on a nearby table and picked her way across the room (strewn with the Green family's mess as always) to embrace her daughter warmly. Jenny held her mother to her gingerly, smelling the sweat on her skin and knowing that it had probably been at least a week since she had bathed. She felt a little guilty turning up looking as she did when her family were still not incredibly well off. She had sent them all of the money that she could without causing suspicion concerning her relationship with her employer but clearly it still wasn't enough. The only difference that the girl had seen so far was the quality of the meal the family would be eating that night.
"What are you doin' 'ere love, shouldn't you be workin' today? It i'n't your day off yet is it?" Jenny hadn't considered the day. Thinking about it, a Tuesday was an odd day for her to visit, most maids would only be given Sundays off.
"Oh, Madame told me I could 'ave the day off to visit you. She thought you may be missin' me, she's very thoughtful like that." Jenny hid her slight blush well, not wanting her mother to question her any more on the matter. Luckily she just nodded and led Jenny over to the fire, sitting her down in the only good chair in the house and settling herself in a more questionable chair opposite her, placing the cooking pot back on the fire where she could keep an eye on it as it cooked.
"So, 'ow is work?" She asked, still regarding her daughter's countenance in awe. "You look 'ealthy that's for sure."
"I enjoy my work very much" Jenny nodded, smiling slightly at the thought of it. Despite her reservations about the visit it was lovely to see her mother again and she loved nothing more than to talk about her home and her mistress at any chance she got. "Madame keeps me well and treats me for my 'ard work. I send all o' my earnings to you o' course, but Madame insists on me being given nice things too so if I do a particularly 'ard job for 'er she sometimes buys me clothes or other pretty things." The girl was aware of how questionable her story sounded but she simply wasn't ready to tell her mother the truth at that point. Mrs Flint didn't seem to bat an eyelid though, just nodding and smiling at her daughter's good fortune.
"What did you say 'er name was again, your mistress? It were somethin' odd I know that. She sounds like a very good woman to treat 'er staff so well."
"Madame Vastra, an' she is a good woman mother, she takes very good care o' me. I am 'er only staff though, I suppose she can afford to treat me better than other employers would." Jenny hoped that it didn't seem too questionable. She knew that most employers were downright stingy when it came to their employees but that didn't mean that all of them had to be that way.
"Well, I'm glad she's lookin' after my lil' girl so well." Jenny looked down and laughed a little, blushing in embarrassment. Her mother hadn't referred to her as her little girl since she was seven years old and had started working. It was a strange feeling to hear it again and it made her feel as though she were a child again for a moment. "Is the work 'ard then? I would o' thought cleanin' a big 'ouse like that all on your own would be 'ard work."
"It's not as bad as you'd think, Madame's very understandin' of 'ow much work I 'ave to do alone so she understands if I don't clean the 'ole 'ouse every day." For the first time Jenny's mother frowned and she seemed to be thinking hard about something. Jenny was beginning to get nervous again. It was hard to tell her mother the truth without telling her the whole truth and she was all too aware that everything she had said so far was beginning to sound too good to be true.
"Why is it she don't jus' 'ire someone else to 'elp you?" Jenny froze for a moment. She couldn't possibly tell her mother the truth about Vastra. It would cause all sorts of problems if she did and Jenny didn't want to imagine who might come searching for the lizard woman to kill or dissect her if they found out about her existence.
"Madame's rather eccentric," Jenny tried to explain "most people wouldn't understand 'er."
"An' you do?"
"Yes, I've got to know 'er quite well since I started workin' for 'er. An' she isn't so 'ard to live with once you understand 'er." Jenny's mother looked at her for a moment, she seemed to be a little sceptical of what her daughter was saying. Jenny's heart sped up and she felt the heat rising in her cheeks. What was she supposed to say to make her story sound more believable? She didn't want to tell her mother that Vastra was a slave driver, she was in love with the woman and she wanted her mother to like her even if she wouldn't accept her as her partner.
"Jenny, this mistress o' yours, 'ow is it she offered you your job? 'ow did you even meet 'er, you never said?" The girl stiffened again, she had no answer for that. She couldn't very well tell her mother that Vastra had saved her life - how many upper class women would risk their own lives to save a poor girl from the slums? But there was no other way she could think to explain it. Jenny had very few things and knew very few people, there was no way someone could have suggested her as an acceptable employee. "Jenny?"
"I... well, does it really matter? I got the Job didn't I?"
"Jenny, it matters. The two o' you seem far too close. You 'ave to remember your class an' rank, you aint got the right to be takin' advantage o' your mistress like you seem to be. She could easily get you arrested for it." That made Jenny's blood boil in her veins. Her mother would never have spoken to her like that before she got this job. She would never have thought so badly of her daughter. Why was she being so harsh? Jenny knew the reason before she had even asked herself the question. Her parents had always envied the upper and middle classes, as all poor people did, but now Jenny appeared to be one of them and that seemed to have altered the way her mother viewed her. Jenny was staring at the woman coldly, hoping she would realise what she had said and apologise but she didn't.
"I aint takin' advantage," she muttered, not wanting to fight the first time she saw her mother in so long "an' Vastra would never do that to me!" Her eyes widened as the words passed her lips and she realised what she was saying. Her hand snapped up to her lips and she wished more than anything that she could take it back and start again, but she couldn't."
"What did you jus' say?"
"Nothin', I didn't say anythin'"
"You called 'er by 'er firs' name. What's goin' on Jenny?" All of a sudden Mrs Flint was angry and she stood up, pacing back and forth as Jenny knew she always did when something was bothering her. She wouldn't look at her daughter any more. Jenny wondered what she was thinking. Did she know? Could she suspect such a thing? She opened her mouth to speak when she heard the front door open and Mrs Green screeching at the top of her voice.
"Oh Mr Flint, you're back jus' in time. 'er majesty's come to tea." Jenny heard her father's grumbling as he pushed the woman out of the way and came into the kitchen.
"Oi Mary, what's tha' ol' bat on abou'..." his voice trailed off as he saw Jenny and the biggest smile spread across his face. Jenny stood as her father practically leapt over to her and enveloped her in his big worker's arms. She had missed her father more than anyone. She had always been a daddy's girl and it was strange not having him around all of the time. She was so happy see him again that she almost forgot about her mother still in a state by the fire. "Why didn' you tell us you was comin' back Jenny? It's good to 'ave you 'ere lass. Step back, lets 'ave a look a' you." Jenny took a step back and allowed her father to survey her, a smile on his face. "Well now I know wha' the ol' bat was on abou', you look like royalty my girl. 'ow you in such good condition eh?" Jenny stiffened and suddenly the thought of her mother stood right behind her flicked back into her head. She was going to have to explain herself at some point, there was no doubt about that.
"Madame looks after me well" she answered, trying to smile but knowing it wouldn't end there.
"An' now it's Madame again I see" her mother commented sharply and Jenny felt a knot in her stomach twisting and pulling as though her insides would rip apart with the dread of how she should explain herself. "Funny 'ow you interchange so quickly between the two."
"What you on about Mary?"
"She called 'er by 'er first name not five minutes ago." The woman snapped and she stared Jenny down, her eyes burning with anger. "I still want an explanation my girl, I won't forget it." The knot in Jenny's stomach tightened and she looked to her father, begging for support. He tried to smile and reassure her but she could see that he was uncomfortable. She gulped, realising she had to tell the truth. She had managed to lie to her mother until that point but she couldn't lie to her father when he had been so glad to see her only moments before.
"We're just close, that's all," she tried but she could see her mother didn't believe her "we're very close."
"'ow close?!" Mary regarded her daughter with a look of disgust in her eyes and Jenny realised that she knew. She dropped her gaze to the floor and heard a quiet sop drop from her mother's lips as her father sighed almost hopelessly.
"Jenny tell me i' aint true." Her father's voice was deep and almost broken and she felt tears welling in her eyes at the sound of it. She never wanted to hurt him. She never wanted to hurt any of them. But she knew that it had been inevitable.
"I'm sorry daddy," she whispered. She tried to step closer to him but he stepped back as she did, shaking his head. "I love 'er." Jenny had feared that her voice would break as she said it but the words were clear and untainted. She looked up into her father's eyes and saw something she had never seen there before. He seemed broken.
"I always knew you weren't like them other lil lasses," he muttered, his voice still low and breaking "but I 'oped you'd 'ave the good sense not to show i'."
"I won't say I'm sorry. I won't." Tears were rolling down Jenny's cheeks and her heart was shattering. This was why she hadn't wanted to come back. She knew she would lose them and now she had. But she would not renounce Vastra. Not for anyone. Not even for her father.
"Get out!" Jenny's mother had had enough, she was on her feet attempting to push her daughter out of the house. "You aint welcome 'ere no more lass." Her father tried to hold the woman back but it was no use. Jenny was out of the door before he could stop it and her mother slammed it shut in her face. The tears didn't stop and if the street hadn't been so filthy Jenny knew she would have allowed herself to collapse down onto the floor.
As Jenny began to head back down the street she heard a door open behind her and for a second she stopped dead. Footsteps came up behind her and her father's arms pulled her close to him.
"I'm sorry lass," he whispered "but you know why we can't 'ave you 'ere now. I don't blame you for followin' your 'eart. Jus' promise me you'll be 'appy, okay lass?" Jenny nodded her head and she buried her face in her father's chest. He kissed her head over and over and the last time he whispered "I'll always love you lass, even if I don' approve o' your choices." Then he was gone and the house door closed forever.
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Jenny cried for the entire night, wrapped up in Vastra's arms with her face buried in the other woman's neck. It was the only safe place she had left. Her only home. She wouldn't leave for the world. She couldn't. She needed Vastra and she knew Vastra needed her.
She wouldn't sleep that night or for a few nights after but soon, just as Vastra had predicted, the wounds would heal and time and the love the girl received from the lizard woman would piece her broken heart together again.