A/N: Enjoy! :)
They open presents after that. Well, Heinz opens presents. Perry's feeling especially fond of his nemesis today, so he even picks up a few presents and makes cursory attempts to open them to make Heinz feel like he is evil when the scientist snatches the parcels away and tears them open with gusto.
Newton the Gnu gives them each a roll of duct tape. Heinz makes another "Duct-taped Platypus" joke, but Perry knows it's actually Newton's way of telling Perry that he needs to keep Heinz's mouth shut. Agent Silent G's secret identity being leaked had not endeared Perry's nemesis to the gnu. Gary the Gander (is he still an active agent? Perry wonders) gives each of them a flower lei. "You know, Perry the Platypus," Heinz says, draping Perry's around the platypus's neck, "You are really too uptight. You should be more leeeeeei'd back." Perry just sighs.
Manny the Mongoose had evidently heard that Heinz collects Nemesis Toys. He had finally procured one of himself, which he has given to Perry's nemesis. Perry isn't sure whether that's weird or sweet, but Heinz seems happy with it, so he supposes he shouldn't look a gift mongoose in the mouth. Sergei the Snail, being the new spokessnail for Totally Tools, gives them both a really cool toolbox filled with nifty… well, tools (the snail totally gets them for free, Perry thinks). It's a surprisingly nice gift, considering the last time Heinz and the snail had interacted, Heinz had tried to trap the agent in a ring of salt and Sergei had slammed the evil scientist into the wall numerous times.
The duck agent hands (wings?) Perry's nemesis a small, wrapped, cube-shaped parcel. Heinz holds the package up to his ear as Agent D walks away. "It's ticking!" he exclaims with delight. "Oh, how wonderful—my alarm clock quit working last week! The darn things break so easily. Especially when you smash them with a hammer or throw them against the wall." Pause. "Gee, I am really not a morning person." Perry rolls his eyes. Heinz shakes the parcel slightly. "Oh, I wonder if it's platypus shaped, or—or if it plays a little song when it's time to get up! This is a very thoughtful gift, Perry the Platypus," he adds as an aside to his little nemesis. "Take notes." He seems pretty content, but Perry's eyes go wide as he hears a faint series of beeps from the package. He yanks the box out of Heinz's hands. "Hey!" he protests. Perry runs outside with the package, Doofenshmirtz in pursuit. The package is beeping more rapidly."Perry the Platypus, you're being very rude! Is this because I started one of my evil schemes at 5 in the morning last week?" Perry throws the parcel as far as he can. His nemesis gasps in horror, and is about to scold Perry, but then the package hits the ground.
And explodes.
Heinz doesn't say anything. He just stares at the blackened spot on the asphalt, wide-eyed. He continues to not say anything as Perry takes him by the hand and drags him back inside. Perry notes to himself that apparently if he ever wants to shut Heinz up, he just has to make something explode.
Monogram has very strict words with the Duck. The Duck leaves the banquet early, waddling out as angrily as a duck can waddle without looking too ridiculous.
Terry the Turtle gives them a jell-o mold, which, like Terry himself, is half orange and half green. It pleases them both because orange and green are Heinz's and Perry's favorite colors, respectively, though the platypus agent very much doubts the turtle knew that (Perry has only ever told Heinz his favorite color). Agent D approaches them personally to give them a squeaky toy shaped like a fire hydrant. Neither of them are quite sure what to do with it, but they thank the dog anyway because he seems pretty excited about it. In the fox agent's gift bag there is a new grappling hook for Perry and a tape measure for Heinz. The evil scientist begs Perry to switch, but Perry's not giving in this time; this grappling hook is awesome!
From the frog agent they both receive a swimsuit. "Thank goodness!" Heinz says. "My old pair of trunks was so badly acid- burned I finally had to throw them away." Perry stares. "What? Don't look at me like I'm crazy; you're the reason it got destroyed!" When Agent F approaches them later, they also each receive an invitation to his and Agent C (Claire the Cow)'s wedding. They smile and offer awkward congratulations. "I'm not even going to contemplate how that relationship works, Perry the Platypus," his nemesis mutters to him. Perry nods, but thinks to himself that Heinz really has no room to talk on that regard. His ex-girlfriend left him for a whale, his best friend is a platypus who beats him up on a daily basis, and he has a robot that thinks Heinz is its father.
Agent M gives them some bananas. "Bananas? Really?" says Heinz, looking unimpressed. Agent M is barely out of earshot. "I feel like that is very cliché, because, you know, he's a monkey." Perry glares at him, but privately agrees. The other Agent M has given them a rather nice fruit tray. "Huh, that's—I wasn't expecting that," Perry's nemesis says. After a short pause, he continues unnecessarily: "I was kind of expecting cheese, you know, because she's a mouse. I guess my expectations were lowered after the monkey."
In the paper bag from the first Agent R, a raccoon, there is a lamp that appears to have been glued together. "Did he get this from the trash?" Heinz says incredulously, holding the blue-and-purple ceramic gingerly. Perry shrugs. "Oh, I would SO refuse this gift if you hadn't broken my lamp last Thursday."
The other Agent R, the rhinoceros, gets Doofenshmirtz a pair of pantyhose in one of those containers they used to come in. "Ohhh, he remembered! I thought he wasn't listening that whole time!" Heinz coos. Perry stares, and his nemesis chuckles and rubs the back of his neck. "Oh, uh, it's a long story, Perry the Platypus. I'll tell you about it tomorrow."
Agent CH didn't show, since he is on a mission and is pretty secretive. He does send a card, though. "Boy, this guy's handwriting is amazing!" Heinz exclaims. Perry guesses chupacabras must be pretty dexterous.
The first Agent W gets them a cake. "How did he even get this here?!" Heinz asks, baffled. Perry shrugs. The worm agent works in mysterious ways. The other Agent W is not in attendance, but they find a package from him. He's gotten them scuba gear. Heinz refuses to use it. "I'm sure he's a perfectly nice agent," he grumbles, "But I just cannot in good conscience use anything given to me by a WHALE, Perry the Platypus. I don't trust them and their macaroni and cheese recipe leaves a lot to be desired." Perry walks away for a while.
Lyla Lolliberry has sent them a scrapbook of photos of the nemeses over the years (with a handwritten note apologizing for not being in attendance). Perry privately wonders where in the world she got all these pictures, but as Heinz is too busy exclaiming things like "Ohhh, Perry, look at your little platypus tail hitting me in the faaaace!" and "Aww, look at you, you look so cute when you're trapped in that baby swing" and "Gee do I always slouch THAT badly, Perry the Platypus?", he doesn't say anything. Not that he could.
There are also parcels from Carl, Peter, Pinky, and some other agents as well. Perry wonders if some of these agents even know him and Heinz. He guesses a lot of them don't. If they did know the doctor, there probably would not be as many presents. The platypus wonders if getting a gift for them had been made mandatory. It seems like the sort of thing Monogram would do. "If you want to enjoy a social event, buy Agent P and his nemesis a gift!" Perry can almost hear him saying. "We have a little money in the budget for special awards and gifts, but I may have used it for a vacation with my wife earlier this month." Yeah, that's probably what happened.
Perry is tired by the time everyone is cleaning up and leaving the reception hall. Heinz is talking less, and Perry guesses that means he's wearing out, too. Peter the Panda tips his hat to Perry, who returns the gesture, before he leaves. Pinky yips a good-bye. Other agents are trickling out slowly, and soon enough, Perry, Heinz, Major Monogram, and Carl are the only ones left. Doofenshmirtz invites Perry over to receive his present and a piece of Black Forest cake, which he may or may not have made for the occasion. "I didn't make it for youuu, Perry the Platypus," he says at the platypus's surprised expression. "I just happened to REALLY want Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte!" Perry raises an eyebrow, unconvinced. "I promise, I won't even trap you this time! Just the two of us and a cake." Perry sighs. His inability to say no to Heinz has nothing to do with his inability to talk. He nods.
The two honorees get Carl to help them load their treasure trove into Heinz's van, which the two are driving back to DEI. "Are you sure you'll be okay there this late?" Carl mutters to Perry when he kneels down to shake his paw. Perry smiles and nods. Even if Heinz does trap him, he would handle it. Monogram hands them a fruit basket and salutes Perry. The platypus salutes back, and his boss and the intern climb into Monogram's car and are off.
"Well," says Heinz, watching the two drive away. "I guess it's just you and me now, Perry the Platypus." Perry, as usual, says nothing. "Let's go then!" his nemesis says suddenly, clapping his hands together once. Perry nods and attempts to clamber into the passenger side seat of the van. He manages to reach the handle of the door, but he can't seem to quite reach—
Suddenly a pair of hands has wrapped around him at the waist and hoisted him up into the seat. "Sometimes I forget how little you are," Heinz says. Perry chatters resentfully. Doofenshmirtz belts himself in as Perry does the same, and they arrive at DEI shortly afterward. They take the elevator up to Heinz's apartment. "I'll bring all the gifts up later. I don't want to make so many trips," the evil scientist says with a dismissive hand-wave. Perry agrees.
"Okay, Perry the Platypus," Heinz says, flipping on the lights. "I just have something small for you because I don't know where you live, or what your designing preferences or storage options are, and I also don't know if what's a nice gift for a human makes a good gift for a platypus." Perry thinks that's the most long-winded way to say "I didn't know what to get" ever.
Doofenshmirtz had not forgotten their nemeversary, Perry reminds himself. Of all the things his nemesis does less-than-perfectly, he at least never forgets things like this. "Here you go, Perry the Platypus!" he says cheerily, holding out his gift. He's bought Perry flowers. They're purple and somewhat sickly-looking. Perry thinks he might have seen them in a field guide of poisonous plants, but Heinz's smile is so earnest and genuine that he reaches out and accepts them with a hopefully convincing smile. He holds them gingerly, the way one might hold a snake or a stick of dynamite. Heinz looks pleased.
He's gotten a card for his little nemesis, too. It says "To My Wife" on the front, and the last word is scribbled out in thick black Sharpie with "NEMESIS" scrawled next to it in untidy, angular handwriting. Heinz hadn't needed to change any of the flowery text inside: none of the sentiments needed alteration. Perry supposes that should feel strange to him, that they apparently fit the criteria for a married couple, but honestly he'd stopped being surprised by such things years ago.
The cake is delicious. Perry kind of expected it to be, having seen firsthand how many desserts Heinz is capable of making, but it still impresses him. He licks his fork clean. The platypus is tempted to lick the bits of chocolate still stuck to his plate, but decides not to, as he likes to conduct himself with a bit of dignity. "Wow, you really put that away, didn't you?" his nemesis says. "I'll have to remember you like Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte." A pause. "I mean, so I can convert one into a trap for you," he adds. Perry offers him his best unamused glare. "All right, all right, I'm just kidding. Yeesh, you're just as humorless at night as you are during the day." The statement stings a little, but Perry knows it wasn't meant to hurt him, so he doesn't react. He lays his fork down and straightens his fedora on his head, and hops out of the chair at the kitchen table. He grabs his flowers (carefully) and card.
"Time to go, I suppose," the doctor guesses. Perry nods. He salutes his nemesis gratefully and chatters softly, hoping the man will understand his "I'm sorry" and "thank you." Doofenshmirtz nods, like Perry has spoken perfect English, and says, "Anytime. I do expect you to help me carry all that stuff up here tomorrow, though. You can consider that your gift to me." Perry smiles. That sounds fair. "Happy nemeversary, Perry the Platypus," Heinz says as Perry opens the door. The agent turns and points back at his nemesis. You too.
A/N: Two parts left! Feel free to drop me a review or a comment. I'd love to hear what you think!