A/N: Sorry for the delay in getting this up (if anyone noticed, LOL)! Please enjoy.
Perry is just a few minutes late for his briefing the next morning. There is a small wrapped package under his arm, and he holds it to his body protectively as he slides down the tubes leading to his lair and drops into his chair.
"Agent P, you're late," Monogram notices. Figures that he would notice the one time it happens, the platypus thinks. "We'll let it slide this time because you must have been tired after all the excitement yesterday," his boss concedes. Perry gives him a grateful salute. "Now, onto your briefing," the Major continues. "We have reason to believe that—"
Suddenly, the screen frizzes out with static and a ksssshhhhh noise. Perry's just about to try tapping the monitor when the picture returns as quickly as it had gone. However, this time the screen is split between two people. Perry smiles and waves to the other familiar face.
"Hey, P!" says Lyla, grinning and giving a little wave in return. She flips her long brunette braid over her shoulder in a carefree gesture. "Sorry I couldn't be there yesterday! Evil never rests." Perry shrugs and smiles to let her know that he hadn't been offended.
"Lyla Lolliberry?" says Monogram incredulously, looking off-camera left and seeming to somehow be able to see her from his side of the screen. "What are you—how did you intercept this transmission?" He looks straight ahead, past the camera. "Carl, how did she intercept this transmission?"
"I— don't know, sir!" Carl answers nervously from behind the camera. "She shouldn't be able to, and I have no idea where she's calling from!"
"Obviously Canada, Carl. I'm paying you too much for this job."
"You're not paying me at all, sir," the intern points out.
"I know," Monogram grumbles.
"Speaking of things that never rest," the COWCA agent continues as if Monogram and Carl had not spoken, "How'd ya like your present? Kept myself up for weeks working on that! Good thing I live right next to a Tim Horton's, eh?" Perry gives her a happy thumbs-up to show his approval.
"EXCUSE ME, I AM TRYING TO BRIEF AGENT P," says Major Monogram, sounding more pouty than angry.
Lyla doesn't seem to be able to hear him. "It was pretty hard to track down all those photos, but I had a little help from the inside!" She winks conspiratorially.
"Wait a minute, YOU made that scrapbook?!" Perry's superior exclaims.
"Oh, yeah!" Lyla answers proudly, resting a hand on one hip. Hm. So she could hear Monogram.
"Those pictures were from personal reports in Agent P's mission files!" the Major scolds. "They are highly classified information!" His white mustache blusters around comically in his outrage.
Lyla rolls her eyes. "Psh," she scoffs. "Please. Termite-Controlling Helmet. Chicken Replace-inator. Ballgown-inator."
"THAT COULD BE HIGHLY DANGEROUS IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS, YOUNG LADY," Monogram explodes.
"Anyway, happy nemeversary, P!"
"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"
"I'll catch you later, platy-nater!" the Canadian woman says cheerily. "Good luck on today's mission!" Perry waves fondly, smiling. The screen fizzles and then is replaced with the usual single-screen shot of Monogram's head. The Major is silent for a moment, and the only sound Perry hears for a few seconds is the quiet beeping of all the equipment in his lair.
"Well," Perry's boss says finally, "Now that we seem to be out of danger of any further interruptions, I can tell you what I was going to tell you. We have reason to believe that Doofenshmirtz may be…" he leans forward as if sharing a secret. "…planning something." Having divulged this crucial information, he looks at Perry intently for a few seconds. Perry stares at him, his eyes half-mast in his typical unimpressed face. "Oh," Monogram says, leaning back again. "You, uh, probably want to know what it is we think he's up to." He clears his throat. "The thing is, we don't know. He's been pretty quiet since last night. But, uh, he's usually planning something, so we thought it best to cover the bases, right?" Perry blinks once, slowly. Monogram continues hastily. "Right! So, uh, get on over there, Agent P, and good luck!" Perry salutes and hops into his hovercar, which begins to rise towards the circular exit in the ceiling.
"Carl, what time does Most of My Children start? I missed it last week and I'm dying to know what happens with Larissa and Clark," Perry hears him say before he jets away, wrapped parcel held safely by his side.
"Perry the Platypus!" Heinz says from within when he hears Perry padding up to his door, his webbed feet having no doubt made a distinctive pattering sound. The agent makes a note to himself to be quieter next time. "Your visit is truly unforeseen. And by—What, are you just standing there? Open the door, Perry the Platypus; it feels awkward doing this when I can't see you."
Perry sighs, then reaches up and turns the door handle. He pads inside, the wrapped package concealed behind his back in one paw, and looks up at Heinz, motioning for him to get on with it.
"Let's try this again, shall we?" He ahems importantly, then adopts a villainous pose, grinning wildly and pointing to Perry dramatically. "Perry the Platypus! Your visit is truly unforeseen. And by unforeseen, I mean completely foreseen!"
There is silence. Perry looks around from left to right, then to the ceiling and floor. Bewildered, he chatters at his nemesis.
"Oh," the evil scientist says at length. "You were expecting a trap." Perry shrugs a sarcastic kinda, yeah. Heinz takes up his villainous voice again. "But you seeee, Perry the Platypus, I have already trapped you!" He drops into a conversational tone. "By obligation. You promised to help me move everything from the van up to my apartment, remember?" Perry sighs. He remembers. "Good! Well, I guess we can get started right a—wait a second, what do you have in your little platypus hands?" Perry gives him his best who, me? expression, but it must not be very convincing. "Don't play innocent with me, Perry the Platypus; I can see you hiding something behind your back!"
Perry smiles wryly and produces the parcel from behind his back. It's thin and rectangular, wrapped up in orange-and-yellow paper (the paper had been picked out for Phineas's birthday, Perry recalls). Heinz makes a delighted squeaking gasp. "Perry the Platypus!" he says ecstatically. "Is that a present? For me?" For someone who opened like twenty presents last night, he sounds remarkably like a person who has never received one before. Perry nods and holds it out to him. Doofenshmirtz rips it out of his paws and tears at the paper so fast that his hands are a blur. "A wooden stirring spoon!" he announces gleefully, plucking the gift from its box and holding it aloft like a prize. "Why, Perry, you remembered that the fifth anniversary is the Wood Anniversary and the Silverware Anniversary!" Actually, he'd gotten it because he'd broken Heinz's wooden spoon last month while using it to assault him, but the platypus supposes he can let his nemesis think what he wants. He shrugs and offers the man a sheepish smile.
Heinz pokes Perry's bill playfully with one long finger. "You sly platypus, you, pretending that you'd forgotten just so you could surprise me today." Perry whaps away his hand, but can't help smiling in return at the evil scientist's doting tone. Leave it to his nemesis to assume that Perry always had a plan. "Ooh, and looook! There's a note attached to the box! I didn't even notice when I was unwrapping it. Let's see here: 'Dear Dr. D, happy 5th and here's to many more! Yours truly, Perry the Platypus.' Awww, why Perry the Platypus," he coos, "That's so sweet of you! I take back what I said last night at the banquet: you are not thoughtless. You are very thoughtful." The agent clasps his paws behind his back and smiles at the floor, a little overwhelmed by all this sentimentality.
"Come on, my little nemesis," the doctor says, taking Perry's paw and leading him away. "I think we have a little time before we have to start hauling things up here. There's another piece of black forest cake with your name on it! I mean, literally, because I wrote 'Happy 5th, Perry' on it in icing." Perry smiles up at him and walks beside him to the kitchen.
The presents were many and varied, but the two nemeses attempt to use each and every one of them gratefully.
Peter the Panda had given them matching sweaters that Perry is pretty sure he knitted himself. Perry throws his out the day after the banquet because dear lord, matching sweaters? Embarrassing! Heinz, however, wears his almost weekly, and Perry can't decide whether he's flattered because of its connection to him or jealously annoyed because of its connection to Peter.
Pinky gave them an old toaster. Neither of them understands where he got the toaster, why he only gave them one, or why it's a toaster, but it's a toaster. Heinz uses it to make the most delicious grilled cheese (well, cheese on toast) sandwiches ever, which he shares with his nemesis.
Carl had made them a mix CD, which is simultaneously the sweetest gift and also the one that makes Perry want to crawl into a hole the most. He is baffled to discover that it contains songs ranging from "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond to "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne. Doofenshmirtz pretends he hates it, but Perry catches him humming "Girlfriend" frequently.
Major Monogram's fruit basket had come with a little card attached. It says: "I expect you will share this fairly. Heinz, don't eat all the cheese, and Agent P, don't use this food as a weapon in your next fight. It was very expensive." They do as he asks. Heinz only eats ALMOST all the cheese.
Herman the Hedgehog does not know Perry very well, but he did once accidentally end up in Perry's lair when the secret entrance tubes were being cleaned. He must have noticed that Perry's lair was very rigid and work-oriented, because he'd gotten the platypus a motivational poster. Perry thinks it's kind of ridiculous, not to mention scientifically incorrect. Heinz adores it and uses it as the basis for his next evil scheme. "BEHOLD, PERRY THE PLATYPUS! THE SHOOT-FOR-THE-MOON-INATOR!" he shouts proudly with a theatrical flourish before returning to a light conversational tone. "It shoots people I don't like to the moon! Or—or maybe to a star," he says with less enthusiasm, holding his chin in one hand and contemplating the impressive machine, "I'm not sure how precise my calculations are."
Two days after the banquet, there's a ring at Heinz's doorbell. "Hold on a moment, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz says, holding up a hand to halt Perry's progress as the platypus jumps towards him with one webbed foot out in preparation for a face-kick. Perry touches back down to the floor impotently. Heinz answers the door. Outside, there is a potted hedge trimmed in the shape of a platypus. A small card attached to a toothpick in the soil says
"CONGRATS
-PLANTY"
Perry and his nemesis decide they're not going to ask questions about this one. Heinz puts the hedge on his balcony. Perry has caught him practicing monologues to it at least twice.
Barry the Bear ("Agent B" to those outside the Agency) has given them one of those bear- shaped containers of honey. It's totally cliché, but Perry likes honey in his tea, so he is actually quite pleased. Heinz uses it in the tea the next time he invites Perry over for a cup. He also uses it as a trap to stick the secret agent to the floor, but at least it was useful.
Agent C, or Chelsea the Chicken to her friends, gave them a carton of eggs. Heinz is pleased, and plans to use them in his next baking recipe. Perry refuses to eat them. He generally refrains from eating things that emerge from his fellow agents.
Agent Kitty's gift was a "Hang in There" poster for Heinz, to show him there were no hard feelings between them about the evil scientist (and legal ocelot)'s time at the Agency. Perry is very touched by the gesture. The next time he foils his nemesis, he makes sure he has a camera. He turns the resulting picture of a blackened and sizzling Doofenshmirtz into a little poster that says "Have a Blast!" Agent Kitty keeps it in his cubicle.
Agent K, or Karen the Kangaroo, has given them little pouches to wear around their waists, much in the nature of a fanny-pack. Perry crashes through the roof of DEI one day to discover that Heinz has converted his into a trap for the platypus.
"Wow, I can't believe you actually fit in that pouch!" the evil scientist exclaims. "You are so tiiiiny, Perry the Platypus." The secret agent glares. He rips through the fabric with his ankle barbs and punches the doctor in the face. He's still big enough to kick his butt. "Hey!" his nemesis cries in dismay, somewhat nasally because he is cupping one hand over his nose. "That was a gift from Agent K!"
Perry ends up staying afterward to help Heinz sew the pouch back together, but only after the scientist promises to use the gift solely for good from now on.
Heinz's flowers are placed in the vase he'd once given Perry for Christmas. They may be poisonous, but they brighten up the secret agent's lair anyway.
A/N: Final part will be up soon! Let me know what you think. :)