"Doctor, please. You must make her speak to me. You must make her give me the chance to..."
"I can't Vastra. Come on, you know Jenny better than anyone, do you really think she'd listen to me telling her she needs to let you talk to her?" Vastra growled low in the back of her throat and balled her hands into fists, trying desperately hard not to lash out at her friend in her state of anger. Why could he not just do as she asked? Why did he have to be so logical and make everything so much more difficult for her? Of course, the Silurian knew the answer to both questions all too well. He was right. It didn't matter how much Vastra pleaded with the girl to hear her out or sent others to plead on her behalf, Jenny was not going to listen until she was ready. It had been a full week since the baby had been born and the girl was still refusing to talk to Vastra. It was practically driving the Silurian to the edge of insanity.
"All I am asking is that you try!" Vastra slammed her hands down on the edge of the TARDIS consol and the Doctor jumped back slightly in shock. He knew that she was upset but it always took him by surprise when the Silurian lost her composure. Usually Vastra was very good at concealing her emotions but it had become clear to the Doctor in the time that he had spent with her and Jenny that the girl was the one thing that could break through Vastra's icy mask to release her true feelings. In some ways he knew it was a good thing that the woman was beginning to connect with her own emotions more but he hated seeing his friend in so much pain. At times he wished that Vastra could go back to bottling it all up so that he wouldn't have to witness the distress that hurting Jenny had brought on her.
"Listen, Vastra you know that she's stubborn..."
"I am aware. There is nothing you can tell me about the girl that I love that I do not already know!" The Doctor sighed and shook his head as he observed the Silurian closely. Her temper was even shorter than normal; it would only make it more difficult for him to reason with her.
"I wasn't finished. You know that she's stubborn, but quite frankly I think that the only person who will ever be able to get through to her is you." Vastra parted her lips to protest but the Doctor immediately put his hand over her mouth to shut her up. He could see the annoyance in her eyes but he ignored it – he wouldn't let her interrupt again until he had finished saying what he needed to say. "I know that you've tried already Vastra, you don't have to tell me that. But the thing with humans is that you have to keep trying. You hurt her, and I know that you know that, but if you keep talking to her she will begin to forgive you eventually." He paused for a minute. In the past week the Doctor had been keeping a close eye on the two women, listening to Vastra as she tried to apologise to Jenny as best she could, but it had struck him as he listened that not once had the Silurian tried to explain why she had doubted the girl. She had apologised over and over again but he had never heard a single word of an explanation. It made him wonder why. Vastra was regarding him over the hand that he still had covering her lips and a frown etched itself on her face as she tried to figure out why he had stopped talking. The time lord had that look in his eyes, the one that indicated that he was considering how best to handle a situation, and Vastra began to worry about what he could possibly be thinking about saying to her. Slowly he let his hand move from her lips to her shoulder and, trying to choose his words carefully, he pointed out, "you know she might forgive you a bit faster if you just explain to her..."
"No." Immediately Vastra turned her back on the Doctor and headed for the TARDIS door, if he was not going to help her in any way then she did not see the point in hanging around. She had just reached the door and was about to push it open when the time lord called after her.
"Why?" For a moment she froze. The feeling of self-loathing that Vastra had become far too used to in the past week began to wash over her once more and she tried to focus her mind on anything else that she could. She didn't want to have to admit her weakness to the Doctor. She didn't want him or anyone else to know that it was not Jenny that she had doubted but herself. It was no wonder that the Silurian had had doubts about Jenny's faithfulness when she didn't believe that she was good enough for the girl in the first place. No matter how hard she tried she could not make herself ignore the thoughts and feelings rushing through her mind. She tried to pull the door open to get away but it wouldn't budge and she span to glare at the Doctor angrily.
"Let me out! Let me out right now!"
"Not until you've told me why you won't be honest with Jenny. You're my friend Vastra; I can't keep watching you in so much pain."
"I cannot tell her. I will not. She sees me as the strength in her life Doctor; I will not take that from her by sharing my personal insecurities with her." For a moment the Doctor looked mildly surprised. It wasn't that he didn't know that Vastra was capable of feeling insecure it was simply that he had never imagined her to be the type. The Silurian had always seemed so sure of herself despite her uncertainties concerning the world around her and it was strange for him to consider that perhaps she wasn't as self assured as she liked to make out.
"But..."
"I said no. I will find another way. Now, please, I would like to leave." She heard the lock click open behind her and immediately Vastra turned and made her way out through the drawing room and up to the guest bedroom that she had been using since Jenny had begun to shut her out.
It was late at night by the time Vastra finally made it back up to the room and she noticed as she stepped over the threshold that the sun had long since disappeared behind the roof tops of the city. Having no wish to be reminded of the rest of the world at that moment in time the Silurian rushed over to the window and roughly pulled the curtains shut. The sound of fabric ripping filled the air around her and as one of the curtains fell down, still in her hand, she cursed loudly in her native tongue. Apparently the world was working against Vastra to make her life as difficult as possible and it was beginning to push her too far. True, she had brought Jenny's anger on herself, but should she really be punished for loving the girl too much and for being scared that she didn't feel the same?
As she turned to look over to the bed Vastra felt her heart sink in her chest. At one time Vastra had greatly disliked the thought of sleeping with anyone else in the same room as her but it wasn't until Jenny had practically locked her out of their shared bedroom that she realised just how much she had become accustomed to the warmth and comfort that the girl brought to her during the night. The bedroom that Vastra had moved to always seemed so lonely. Having never thought she would use the room the Silurian had neglected to furnish it properly when she first moved into the house and so the walls were bare and the decorations were simple. It made Vastra feel even worse about her whole situation. She missed her bed and her room. She missed feeling as though she were at home and safe, surrounded by familiar things. Mostly, however, she simply missed Jenny. Vastra missed the way that the girl would gently stroke her arms when she pulled her close in the night and how the familiar scent of Jenny's hair and skin would invade her senses as she nuzzled her face into the crook of the girl's neck. She missed hearing the steady breathing coming from her darling girl's sleeping form and the way that often Jenny would begin to wriggle when she was having a bad dream and wouldn't stop until she felt Vastra's arms around her once more. The Silurian missed the late night kisses and how sometimes when she couldn't sleep she would study every inch of Jenny from head to toe just adoring everything about her until the girl would wake and berate her for not getting enough rest. Vastra didn't know how many more nights she could take alone in the empty room knowing that Jenny and their daughter were only on the other side of the hallway. Still, knowing that she had no choice, Vastra begrudgingly changed and slid in between the cold sheets of the bed ready for yet another sleepless night.
~.~.~.~.~.~
The baby very rarely cried. Apart from when she was first born Vastra was sure that she could only pinpoint four or five other occasions on which she had heard even the smallest sniffle from the child and at first she had worried about it. She remembered how the Doctor had told her before the baby was born that human infants usually spent a lot of their time crying in order to get their parents attention but it seemed that communication was another Silurian quality that Jenny and Vastra's child had inherited from her mother. Silurian hatchlings were intelligent from the day they took their first breath and in the case of full Silurian children they could walk, talk and communicate coherently (if a little abnormally) from the day they were hatched. From that point onward they only got smarter. Vastra and Jenny's baby was not quite so advanced; she didn't have the ability to walk or talk, however she clearly still possessed exceptional levels of intelligence. The child didn't need to cry to communicate, instead she had taught herself signals to give for anything that she wanted by the day after she was born and she had learned to get the attention of adults by clapping her hands three times by half way through her first day of life. It was because of this that, as Vastra lay in bed in the early hours of the morning staring out of the window where she had ripped the curtain away, she was shocked to hear soft whimpers coming from across the hallway.
Confused, the Silurian pulled back the sheets and slid out of bed, only flinching slightly at the coldness of the floor under her bare feet. She took a small blanket that hung over the back of a chair by the door and wrapped it around herself for warmth before carefully slipping out of her room and ensuring to close the door as quietly as she possibly could behind her.
Turning around slowly the Silurian's eyes fell on the door to the other bedroom and she took a deep breath. Jenny wouldn't want her to enter. Each time that Vastra had tried to pass the threshold in the past week she had been met with a cold look from the girl and two simple words – get out. Each time she had retreated to the outside of the room and curled herself up by the door, apologising over and over again and praying that Jenny was listening despite her refusal to look at her. What made it worse was that Vastra hadn't even been allowed to see her daughter since the day she was born. She hadn't been allowed to hold her or enjoy her scent and if Jenny had named the child then Vastra had not been told which name she had decided on (although, the Silurian could make an educated guess).
Still, despite knowing that she would most likely be turned away Vastra stayed light on her feet and hurried across the hall to the door of the room from which the sniffles and sobs were emitting. Stood before the door the sound of the crying had become a little clearer and all of a sudden Vastra wasn't so sure that it was the baby at all. Carefully she leant against the door, trying not to alert Jenny to her presence, and she pressed the side of her head to the wood to try and hear a little better. The crying continued undisturbed and as she listened the Silurian became sure – the crying was coming from Jenny. Vastra's heart nearly broke right there and then as she listened and she almost went straight to the girl's side to hold her but stopped herself just in time. Jenny would not react well if she just burst into the room and the lizard woman knew that. It didn't matter if Vastra needed to dry the girl's tears for her own peace of mind, what really mattered was that Jenny saw that Vastra was respecting her space while still showing that she cared. So, a little awkwardly, she lifted her hand and knocked.
Behind the door the sound of the crying stopped instantly and for a minute Vastra was left to stand, pressed up against the wood of the door, in complete silence. She wondered what Jenny was thinking; did she know who stood just outside her door? As the silence continued Vastra grew impatient and, her desperation to check on the girl growing too great, she carefully pushed the door open and slipped into the room. The door clicked shut behind the Silurian's back and she turned her attention towards the bed. The fire still burned in the grate as it always did and by its light Vastra could just make out the slight bump of Jenny's body curled up under the sheets. She was still and silent, presumably pretending to be asleep, but the Silurian knew that she wasn't.
"Jenny?" The girl didn't move or respond but Vastra took a few uncertain steps forwards. It wasn't until she reached the end of the bed that she realised what was different this time in comparison with every other time that she had entered the room in the past week – Jenny was not on her side of the bed. Each day when Vastra had attempted to enter the room Jenny had always been sat, propped up against pillows, on her own side of the bed while the Silurian's side remained untouched. That night, however, it was Jenny's side that appeared deserted; although the sheets were ruffled and the pillows flattened by weight the girl was curled into the pillows on the wrong side of the bed. Her face was hidden in the pillows and her hair splayed out to cover any other part of the girl that may have been on show above the sheets which were pulled up tightly over Jenny's shoulders. Vastra couldn't suppress the sudden ache in her heart – was Jenny crying over her? "Jenny... I know you are not asleep."
"Pretend you know different." The girl's voice broke from the abundance of tears but she held her cold tone well. Vastra had been about to take another step forwards but thought better of it as Jenny finally spoke. She didn't want to push her luck; it was the first time that Jenny had not immediately told her to leave in so long and the Silurian was not going to ruin it by being presumptuous
"I cannot." Reluctantly Jenny stirred and she lifted herself from the bed until she was sitting observing Vastra who remained at the foot of the bed. For a short while neither of them spoke, both just studying each other in silence as though it were the first time they had ever laid eyes on one another. Vastra was so overwhelmed as she stood in the same room as her darling girl for the first time in what felt like a millennia that she almost believed she would burst into tears at any second. Just to feel Jenny's eyes on her and to taste her sent so strongly on the air all around them was almost too much for her. She wanted to hold the girl, to kiss her and tell her how much she loved her but she knew that she couldn't. No matter how much she wanted to throw herself into Jenny's arms she knew she must control herself.
"What d'ya want from me ma'am?" The Silurian flinched a little at the use of the formal address and it occurred to her that really not much had changed in Jenny at all. True, she had not yet told her to leave, but Vastra had a sneaking suspicion that a mixture of emotions and tiredness was the cause of Jenny's newly found tolerance of her mistress. Still, at that moment in time she would take any advantage she could get.
"I only came," she started, taking another tentative step forward, "because I heard crying..." The extra step forwards had been what Vastra needed to get close enough to see Jenny's face properly and as she studied its intricacies she couldn't help but notice the state that the girl had gotten herself into. Jenny's cheeks were a bright shade of pink from the crying and down the length of each one the Silurian could just make out tear tracks that ran from the dark circles under the girl's eyes to the end of her chin. The delicate skin of her darling girl's bottom lip seemed to have been chewed until it was red raw and those beautiful dark locks that tumbled down over her shoulders seemed untamed and slightly knotted in places as though the girl had been balling it in her fists as she cried. Still, Jenny tried to cover any sign of Vulnerability. She straightened her back a little more as she spoke and she made sure that she looked directly into the other woman's eyes.
"The baby was..." she started but as Vastra shook her head Jenny knew that there was no point in lying. Her bravery faltered for an instant and her eyes lowered to her hands in her lap, inspecting the skin on her palms as though it were the most fascinating thing in the world. "Despite all o' my instincts I can't 'elp but miss you." Jenny's voice shook ever so slightly as a few tears began to roll down her cheeks and within seconds Vastra was by her side trying to wipe them away. No sooner had scales touched skin, however, than the girl was pushing her mistress' hands away while still trying to avoid making eye contact.
"You said..."
"I know what I said, but it don't change anythin'. Vastra, you all but accused me o' sleepin' around behind your back, I can't just forgive somethin' like that." The girl's tears were falling thick and fast once more and (presumably without realising what she was doing) Jenny had pulled one of Vastra's pillows into her lap where she held it tightly to her chest and breathed in the scent that still lingered there.
Vastra didn't know what to make of it all. The girl said that she missed her but wouldn't forgive her. She clearly needed her and yet she refused to let the Silurian touch her. Why did humans have to be so complicated? Not knowing what to do Vastra stood from where she had perched herself by Jenny's side and absentmindedly wondered over to the baby's crib which Jenny had had her father and the Doctor move into her room so that she could be close to the baby at all times. Peering over the side Vastra felt her heart skip a beat at the sight of her little girl and a small smile pulled at the corner of her lips slightly. It was only the second time that she had ever seen the child and the first when her mind was no longer plagued by the fears that had torn her and Jenny apart. The girl had been right when she had said that the baby was beautiful, she was like a little porcelain figure, so delicate and untarnished but with such beautiful intricacies in every inch of her appearance. The Silurian leant down and pressed a gentle kiss to her daughter's forehead before finally turning back to Jenny.
"I was afraid." Despite being angled towards the girl Vastra couldn't seem to lift her eyes from the floor. She didn't want to be telling Jenny any of what she was about to say but as always the Doctor had been right – she did have to explain. The Silurian made a mental note not to allow the time lord to know that he was the reason she was opening up to the girl, he was far too smug as it was and to let him know would only make him worse. "My love, since the day I met you I knew that there was something different about you that made you unlike the other humans. And when I came to the realisation that I was developing feelings for you I believed that I was setting myself up for heart break – I did not see any way that you could possibly love me in return." Vastra's eyes remained on the floor and she had to stop for a moment as her mind seemed to go blank. Her hands were clasped tightly together to stop them from shaking and it wasn't until the Silurian had taken a few deep breaths that she finally found the words to continue with. "One would have thought that those beliefs would have changed once you had shown reciprocation of my feelings but I am afraid that such an assumption would be wrong. Even lying with you in my arms at night I still could not entirely believe that you loved me. My dear, you are the most kind hearted, intelligent, beautiful and fierce young woman and I could not understand why you would possibly choose a tired out old warrior such as myself over a mate of your own kind who would be much more deserving of you. My insecurities got the better of me in our impending parenthood because I was so afraid that perhaps I had been right and I had not been enough for you. That is why, when I saw how human our child looked, my fears overwhelmed my sense. I do not expect you to forgive me my love, I certainly would not forgive myself in your place, but I do ask that you do not shed tears over me – I am not worth the pain Jenny."
With a quick glance back at the girl Vastra swiftly turned and returned to her new room. She couldn't bring herself to stay with Jenny after opening up as she had, it was simply too difficult for her. She would allow the girl to sleep on what she had said. Perhaps they could discuss matters further in the morning but the dead of night was not a suitable time for them to repair the tears in their relationship if the damage could be fixed at all. So, the Silurian returned to the cold, unfriendly bed in the practically empty guest room and watched through the window as night faded away to be replaced with the rising sun.