The fight last time was awesome. That is what I see in Fate/Zero. A massive three-way brawl between Servants. This chapter is more for setting things up for the next one, but it's still going to have a fight or two.
Enjoy.
Chapter 10: Last One Out, Hit The Lights
(10:00pm, Fuyuki Church)
Kirei walked through the lower levels of the church, thinking over the recent encounter with the Einzberns. He felt a rush whenever he thought about the Hisau woman's ribs breaking, or his blades running through the Homunculus. Normally, he would've been praying for forgiveness. But he liked this feeling. It brought a smile to his face.
He stepped through one of the far doors to find Berserker looking over his 'workshop'. While other Magi would decorate their workshops with runes, old texts and rare materials; Berserker decorated with flesh and blood. Pustules quivered as thing grew inside them. One of them burst open, and a large boxing-looking beast crawled out. It seemed to shrink as it exited out a door that definitely wasn't there before. Berserker turned to face him with a smile.
"Ah, Kotomine. Welcome. I'm afraid we're past my open hours, but I can make an exception if it's really important."
"You attacked the Einzbern Castle." It wasn't a question.
"I needed more room. This place is good, very ironic, but it's not big enough for my demands. What's your excuse for being there?"
Kirei thought about denying it, but they both knew he was there. "I went to fight Kiritsugu Emiya, who I have now identified as Saber's Master. However, the women got in my way and your soldiers chased me off."
"Aw. Did little old me ruin your fun?" Berserker changed into a granny for some reason.
"Where did you get those things anyway?"
"Old granny Berserker made them from her famous recipe. Corpses, criminals and a hint of Me."
"I felt better than ever after hurting the women. More alive than ever before."
Berserker now changed into a bald man in a tweed coat and a grey moustache. A couch and a chair formed from the meat on the floor. "Interesting. Please, lie down and tell me more about how it made you feel."
Kirei thought about refusing, but Berserker already made it clear how easily he could kill him if he wanted to. When he sat on the couch, it actually felt like a couch. He laid down and thought about how he felt.
"I felt whole. Like I could smile from it. Like I wasn't sad anymore. A warm feeling fluttered in me. Holy light ran through my veins and I wept in happiness."
Berserker nodded, scribbling on a piece of paper. "What you are describing is what human feel when they are happy. When they like something. Of course, most people associate such things with good stuff. Like family, friends or winning the lottery."
"So hurting people makes me happy? That doesn't make sense."
"Let's test it shall we?" He morphed into two people, one who held an axe in one hand. Axe-man swung it at the other man, who yelled as it cut into his shoulder, nearly reaching his stomach. They both looked at Kirei and spoke in unison. "How did that make you feel?"
He couldn't lie. "Good. It felt good watching that."
Berserker was one man again. "People would say that we are unnatural, feeling good about the pain of others. For not following their rules. But rules are made by the strong. If they cannot make me obey, then they will have to obey my rules."
Kirei started laughing. He wasn't quite sure why. "Do you enjoy pain?"
"Pain of others means nothing to me. The doctor parts of me force me to intervene, but I don't truly feel sorrow for them. But I truly wish to improve mankind. That is my happiness. To improve. To grow. To help others find happiness."
Kirei got up. "Then you think I shouldn't care that I'm evil. That I should revel in it."
"No Kirei. I'm saying that if evil makes you happy, then you should go for it."
(Same Time, Unknown Rooftop)
Tohsaka was standing on a roof, watching the moon overhead. It was certainly a strange night. Kirei had contacted him by phone, asking him to meet him on this roof. He said he hadn't used the communicator because someone had snuck in and destroyed it. He had also said that whatever was so important was not for Servant ears. Tokiomi had frowned at that, but followed those rules regardless. Archer was with Rin and Aoi, having some time off with them. With luck, their meeting would be over before anything bad happened.
Footsteps sounded on the roof. Tokiomi sighed as Kirei walked closer. "Finally. What is this matter that is so urgent, Kirei?" He gasped. It was not Kirei who walked towards him, but Kariya Matou.
"I'm sorry Tohsaka." Kariya said in Kirei's voice. "But Kirei doesn't know about this little meeting."
"Kariya. I see that you finally came crawling back home. I guess the promise of the Grail was too much for someone like you."
"Like me?" Kariya said in his own voice. "What about you? You just gave Sakura away like a toy or a book. Does family mean nothing to you Tokiomi? Does their happiness mean anything?"
Tokiomi hid it well, but he was shaking in rage. "I am thinking about their happiness. Both of my girls are powerful Magi. Both could easily be my heir. But it would be painful to choose who gets my Mystic Code, while the other falls into obscurity. With no Matou heir, Zouken was all too willing to adopt her. Now she's part of a family, one where she won't have to fight her sister for their inheritance."
"That's all you care about? Your heir? A bastard like you cares nothing for Sakura."
"ENOUGH!" Tokiomi shouted, losing his composure. "How dare you even suggest I don't care for Sakura. My heart nearly tore in two when I gave her away. But it would hurt all of us if I didn't. I gave her away for her happiness. But I wouldn't expect a coward like you to know about family."
Kariya roared as bugs burst out of his body. They flew around him, spikes and claws dotting their carapaces. "I'll show you coward. I'll look after Aoi, and Rin, and Sakura. I'll do a better job than you ever would." The bugs flew straight at Tokiomi, who shot fire at them from his staff. It took longer to kill them, but none got close. Kariya jumped forward, faster than Tokiomi expected. He was about to claw at him when a shot blasted him sideways.
"Yoo-hoo." A deep mechanical voice said. Tokiomi looked over to see a small floating robot. It was coloured black and green, missing its legs and with blue eyes. One hand was a laser of some kind. "Archer sent Mr Zurkon to protect you." He looked over at Kariya, who was glaring at the robot. Zurkon chuckled. "Mr Zurkon will enjoy killing you." He opened fire on Kariya, who moved much faster than Tokiomi thought possible. He tried to hit Zurkon, but he missed everytime. Zurkon was saying how Kariya was too slow, when another blast hit Kariya from behind. Everyone looked over to see a smaller Zurkon with only one eye.
"Zurkon Jr love 'Bring Your Son To Work Day." He said in a higher-pitched voice. With both Zurkon and Jr shooting, Kariya started getting holes in his body. They healed over, but Kariya looked furious. More bugs sprouted from him, and now Zurkon and Son were having to keep moving. A third blast struck some bugs, and everyone turned to look again.
This Zurkon was bigger, and built to look like a sitcom wife. "Mrs Zurkon says get the hell away from my son." They all started blasting. Kariya screamed in pain as their shots overwhelmed him. Holes were now harder to heal over, and his bugs were gone. Kariya quickly jumped over the railing, but not before Tokiomi set him alight. He screamed as he ran away.
"Stupid human." Mr Zurkon said. "Mr Zurkon never runs like a coward."
Tokiomi sighed. He should check that Kirei was alright. He wouldn't put it past Kariya to have attacked him beforehand.
(9:10pm, Abandoned Warehouse)
"Sheesh." Lancer groaned. "Every time we have a fight you end up hurt. If you're not careful, you'll fall apart at the seams."
"Be silent Lancer." Kayneth growled as Caster healed him. "I had him right where I wanted him. If it wasn't for Berserker and his damned monsters."
"Really Kayneth." Sola groaned. "If you spent less time gloating you wouldn't have been hurt in the first place."
"All done." Caster interrupted before they had a row. Kayneth stretched, wincing slightly as his body protested. He was about to curse Emiya again when Lancer pushed him to one side.
A small crater exploded on the wall behind where he had been standing. Sola shrieked as another crater appeared where her head was. Kayneth instantly had Volumen shield her as Lancer carried him away. A yellow and white tube appeared in the room and exploded, causing more explosions afterwards.
"Dammit." Lancer cursed. "That must've been Assassin. Sneaky little bastard." She placed Kayneth back down. "Caster, get our masters to safety. I'm gonna kill Assassin." Before anyone could object, she rushed out the doorway in the direction of the shots. She kept ducking and weaving, craters forming around her as Assassin missed. She spotted him on a roof, turning to face her again. She let off a 'Ruinga' spell, and kept running when it hit. She already knew that Assassin could make fakes of himself. As she ran down an alleyway, a dagger brushed past her cheek. She rolled, sweeping her lance as she rose. It clanged against Assassin's blade. They clashed several times before he dropped another grenade at his feet. Lancer sprung away, getting grazes and cuts from the debris. She rushed at Assassin as she landed, ready to skewer him. She was shocked when she went right through him, her momentum to fast to stop. The real Assassin slashed her shoulder as she passed. She rolled again, wincing in pain. She charged again.
This happened for a while. Though she managed to hit him several times, they were just flukes. She managed to smack him into the open and called down Bahamut. He changed into his humanoid form and struck out at Assassin. He was shot a few times in the chest, but they weren't a problem for him. Bahamut slashed at Assassin, but it was another hologram. A stronger blast impacted, pushing Bahamut back a bit. Lancer rushed towards where the bullet came from, ready to strike him again. She found another grenade, but she managed to push Assassin out into the open again. She and Bahamut kept pushing, but Assassin was skilled. As Bahamut slashed a fake again, a rocket flew through the air at him. It impacted with a much greater force than it should've had. Bahamut faded away, screaming in pain. Lancer used 'Windga' to blow Assassin out of hiding. It seemed that she would need to use her best skill for this last fight.
"Ragnarok, come Day of Wrath. O Pulse L'Cie. Embrace thy fate, thine home to burn. Ragnarok, come Day of Wrath. O Pulse L'Cie. Embrace thy fate, thine home to burn. That fallen souls might bear our plea. To hasten the Divine's return. O piteous Wanderer, Ragnarok. Make of this day a brave epoch. Deliver the Divine, Ragnarok." She glowed as she sang, changing into a large beast. She became mostly blue, with a large spiky tail, and many orange arms around her. She roared as she charged Assassin, who merely raised his sniper rifle once more.
(10:30pm, Fuyuki Streets)
Waver was flicking through radio stations as Rider drove about. Private Simmons was in the back, spinning the turret around. This one was different from the first, being two parts with rockets inside. Rider hoped that it would be enough firepower to deal with Caster, Berserker or Archer. Finding nothing good on, Waver flicked it off. He sat for a while before finally deciding to talk.
"I saw your memories last night." He began. Rider merely nodded. "Did they really recruit you when you were only 6?"
"They wanted to avoid breakdowns in battle." He said. "By training us from 6, we would be prepared for actual combat before long, while still being in good physical condition."
"But what about your parents? Didn't they care that you'd been abducted?"
"They didn't know." Cortana said. She sounded embarrassed. "All SPARTANS were replaced by flash-clones. But because proper clones are still beyond us, they would've all died with a few years. ONI made sure to arrange 'accidents' or otherwise people might notice nearly 100 kids dying from internal malfunction."
Waver felt surprised. "Man, that sucks." Simmons said. "Glad I was a SPARTAN IV."
"Something else I want to ask about are the aliens." Waver ignored Simmons.
"What about them?" Rider asked.
"So, first the Covenant went to war with you. Then you found the Flood, who went to war with everyone. And after them, you found a living Forerunner. Who wanted to wipe out mankind." Rider had nodded with each of those points. "Why does every alien species gang up on us?"
"Well, the Covenant were at war because we threatened their religion." Cortana said. "They went to Harvest looking for Forerunner artefacts, and only found humans. After killing them, their leaders looked at their Forerunner A.I and found that they had been looking for 'Reclaimers'. That meant that Humans were to inherit all the Forerunner technology and knowledge, instead of the Covenant. Their leaders said we were a blasphemy to the Forerunners and tried to kill us so that they could get the stuff. The Flood want to devour all life ever, so everyone teamed up against them. And as for The Diadact, I looked through old Forerunner files on Requiem. It turned out that Humanity had been around at the same time and was as advanced as the Forerunners. But we invaded them because we were attacked by the Flood. We needed more planets because we kept losing ours. The Forerunners went to war with us, and while we drove off the Flood, we didn't have enough infrastructure, resources or men to win against the Forerunners. We were reduced to the stone age, and the Diadact hated us for the war. Oh, and for killing his sons."
"Ironically, It also seems that their 'creator', the Precursors, originally chose us for their 'Mantle of Responsibility'. This meant that whichever species had it was responsible for protecting all life in the Universe. The Forerunners took offence to that, and wiped out the Precursors. The Precursors tried to destroy the Forerunners, but I can't quite tell if they struck first or last. Regardless, the Forerunners took the Mantel, and I doubt Humanity even knew about it."
"Man." Waver sighed. "That was exactly what the Covenant did."
"I know." Rider slowed down for some reason. Looking past him, Rider saw Archer's human form walking down the street. Without a word, Simmons lined up the shot. Four rockets flew at Archer, but he dodged them all somehow. His disguise faded as he rocketed down the street on jet boots. Rider gunned the engine and they raced off after him.
Simmons kept shooting rockets at him, but his jetpack shot lightning that destroyed them all. He pulled out some kind of orange-blue-and-white rocket launcher that let off napalm where ever it hit. Rider kept dodging the blasts, leaving Waver to fire the rifle he had been given. Remembering Johnson's instructions, he lined up the shot as best as he could, before firing. Bullets pinged against the road, but a few glanced off Archer's armour. As they passed near an empty park, Archer swapped for a purple gun. It charged up as he turned to face them. Some kind of sparky blast was fired, impacting with the Warthog. As the engine smoked, Archer fired again. Rider grabbed Waver as he and Simmons jumped out of the vehicle. When the second blast hit, the Warthog exploded. Rider got up from where he had been standing, pulling out his sub-machine gun and firing at Archer. Archer sped around on his boots, he swapped for a claw weapon. Three drones were fired out, speeding over to Rider. He ran, with the drones following him. They impacted with a tree when he ran behind it.
"Forward unto Dawn, Marines." He said as Simmons laid down covering fire. An Airlock materialised, letting off a dozen marines. They opened fire as they ran, causing Archer to hide behind a fountain. As they got closer, he threw a grenade at them. Rider hid behind a bench, but instead of exploding, music started playing. He looked over, and was left gobsmacked.
All the marines were dancing, as the grenade – now easily recognisable as a disco ball – floated in mid-air. Archer pulled out a gun with three spiked claws around the large barrel. They rotated as Archer pointed the weapon. A large electrical ball was fired, lightning arcing to each marine as it passed. The men dissipated, before Archer fired at Rider. He charged forward, his shields shattering from the lightning, ready to start punching Archer. But Archer pulled out a whip of some kind, leaving fire wherever it struck. Rider backed away, planning for something different.
"Lay An M85 Down By My Feet." He said. A drop-pod smashed into the ground not too far from him. As the panels broke off, he rushed over to grab a weapon. He heard Simmons grunt in pain as he pulled out a SAW. He opened fire on Archer, who threw a ball that turned into a shield. The SAW's bullets bounced off as Archer pulled out a four-barrelled rocket launcher. Rider ran as he fired.
"You're The Soldier They Need you To Be." He vanished as his active cloaking started up. Archer looked around warily, until Rider got him with a shotgun blast. Before he could even yell, Rider started punching him and blasting him. As Archer pulled out large boxing gloves, Rider boosted away from him. He placed a shield in front of him, rattling Archer until he blasted him again. He was about to land another blow when he was attacked from the side. As he rolled away, he saw his attacker.
It was a robot, with a round head and green optics. These optics were glaring at him as the robot pulled Archer up.
"Grummelnet" Archer said, blue orbs floating from the robot. As guns reloading echoed, the two groups looked at each other.
"Rider?" Waver asked, trembling.
"Sir." Rider responded. "Whatever the outcome of this fight, never forget what I said. Keep pushing forward, no matter what."
"They'll Regret That Too." A glow extended from him, engulfing everyone in the park. When Waver opened his eyes, he was astounded.
They were inside a Reality Marble, based on a winter location. Far in the distance, a strange line circled overhead before ending on the other side.
"It a Halo." Waver shivered at this. "I'm in a Reality Marble based on an alien world." This was amazing.
Then the ground started rumbling. Looking at a large plain, Waver saw a massive fleet of Warthogs and Scorpions and other vehicles driving closer. There were Marines running along with them, while troops drop-podded to the ground. Aircraft and Spaceships filled the sky. It must've been the entire UNSC army.
Archer merely stretched as he looked at the display. "Alright then. War-Bot 2.0." His robot started growing, becoming more heavily armed as he became 50 metres tall. "Tools of Destruction." Weapons formed in mid-air, ranging from blaster, to bombs, to rockets, to lasers and more. Waver shivered. There had to be hundreds of them. The UNSC charged forwards, while Archer mimed pulling the trigger.
Then, chaos.
And there is the reason I chose Master Chief and Ratchet as Servants. I know that the UNSC seems a bit small, but that's just the first wave. And besides, some of Ratchet's weapons would be classified as 'Planet-Busters' in the Halo setting. So it all evens out.
With Berserker encouraging Kirei to be evil, remember he is a virus. He doesn't really have a proper morality like we do. To him it is survival of the fittest, and do whatever you like. That's why he's for it. And I really wanted to do Grandma Mercer. It was just too good to pass up.
Now, another Omake. I based this on Carnival Phantasm's Grand Prix story. It is not to be taken seriously.
Have fun.
"Welcome contestants To the Fourth Holy Grail Grand Prix!" Risei shouted through a microphone. "I'm your commentator, Risei Kotomine! And aiding me is young Miss. Illyasviel Von Einzbern, all the way from Germany!"
"Win the cup Daddy!" Illya yelled from her seat next to Risei.
"And now to introduce the combatants! In first position, Saber and his master Kiritsugu Emiya, riding on Invincible the undead horse! This horse served Saber faithfully in life, and will do so again in death!"
"Win for me, Daddy!" Illya yelled. Saber was wearing full armour, with Emiya sitting right behind him with a load of guns. Invincible snorted and shook his head.
"In second position, Archer and his master Tokiomi Tohsaka, using Archer's Hoverbike! According to him, he used this bad boy to win races against Thugs-4-less!" It was a hovering orange motorcycle, with two cannons on the front and a skull emblazoned on the hood. "In third position, Lancer and her master Kayneth-El-Melloi, riding on top of a legendary Behemoth! This is a very dangerous and ferocious monster from Lancer's homeworld!"
"I've noticed, asshole!" Kayneth shouted back as the Behemoth tried to eat his leg again. The behemoth was a large cyborg monster, with spikes all over, two long flaps flowing from its head, and a large spiked horn extending from its spine.
"In fourth position, Rider and his master Waver Velvet, riding in on a Chopper! Interestingly enough, this monstrosity was originally built as farming equipment!"
"This was a farming machine?" Waver couldn't believe it. The Chopper was a large motorcycle thing, with a massive cutting wheel at the front underneath large metal plating. Two cannons jutted out from the sides, along with other spiky things.
"In the fifth position, is Berserker and his master Kariya Matou, riding on their Goliath! And with its arm weighing a ton, this bad boy will clear any path!"
"I'm on top of the world, bitches!" Berserker shouted from atop his goliath. It was the size of a building, with its muscles bared for all to see. Its limbs were all different sizes, with its front legs large like a gorilla. But its left arm was almost as big as the entire monster.
"In sixth position, is Caster and his mistress Sola-Ui Nuada-Re blah, blah, blah! Get a shorter name, lady! Anyway, they'll be riding on the summon Zagan! This puppy gets 5000 miles to the Djinn!" Caster waved as he sat on top of Zagan, a minotaur-like creature. If the minotaur had been part-lion as well. In one hand, he held onto a massive axe.
"In seventh position, is Assassin with his master, my very own son, Kirei Kotomine! And they'll be riding in the best vehicle from the Borderlands, the Outrunner! Also, a 'Scooter' would like me to remind everyone that he is not liable if his vehicle explodes for some reason! Also, 'Catch-a-Ride'!" Assassin looked menacing inside the cockpit. Shame his vehicle looked like it was made from scrap. It was made with an H-frame base, with a turret in the exact centre. Another turret was attached to the front of the cockpit, allowing Assassin to fire. "Finally, in eighth position is Avenger! She will be riding a Prismere Troll, captained by Rast Brattigan! Recognised back in Amalur as the worst sailor ever!"
"Hey there, Wifey!" A blue-skinned elf yelled as she jumped on top of Avenger from a giant troll. The troll was a large humanoid, with red crystals fused with its arms and back.
"Rumour has it that Miss Brattigan captained a ship when she was no bigger than her father's knee! She then promptly crashed it into the dock, totalling three ships with one wreck!" Everyone hopped on their mounts and got into position. "Alright then! Three! Two! One!"
"*BLEEP* them up, Pa!" Illya interrupted him, as the racers revved off. All of them started fighting for the lead, before the group split into several positions.
"And in first is Archer on his bike! Followed closely by Caster on Zagan! And fighting for third place is Assassin, Rider, Saber and Lancer! And at the rear is Avenger and Berserker! This is turning out promising!"
Rider grunted as he blocked off Saber's blows, while Lancer moved up beside them. With a final smash, Saber quickly raced after her, but was surprised as Rider boosted ahead. He knew he had to thin out the competition. "Forward Unto Dawn, Vehicles." The racetrack was covered by a bright glow as large panels descended from the sky. A Mongoose, Warthog, Ghost and a Scorpion thundered of the platforms and joined the race. The Warthog pulled in front, barrels blazing. Kirei tried to shoot down the jeep, but both were swerving too much to hit either of them. Inside the jeep, he spied three men in armour. The passenger wore bright-red armour, while the driver had orange, and the gunner had maroon.
"Grif!" The red soldier shouted in a Texan accent while hitting the orange one. "Your driving is impeding our mission!"
"My driving is the only thing keeping us alive! Simmons the one who can't shoot for shit!" Grif yelled, pointing at the maroon soldier on the turret.
"Simmons!" The red one shouted back. "Stop horsing around and shoot 'em!"
"Sorry, Sarge!" Simmons apologised. "They're very good at evasive fire!"
"I don't know about this!" A purple soldier shouted, driving the alien hover vehicle known as a Ghost. "I'm a pacifist, remember?!" Saber took this as his cue, firing a blast right behind him. The purple one yelled "Son of a bitch!" as he exploded. Assassin, meanwhile, grabbed Kirei by the front of his robe and threw him into the driver's seat. He then promptly started blasting at the jeep until it exploded. Funnily enough, just as it started burning, Sarge grabbed Grif and threw him into the oncoming fire. The Scorpion tank rumbled up behind them, with three soldiers hanging onto handles. The one driving wore blue armour, while the others had on cobalt, aquamarine, and dark-grey-with-yellow-trimming.
"Fuck! Those guys just killed Doc!" The aquamarine one shouted.
"I'm more worried about how quickly we're getting killed!" The grey-and-yellow one retorted while shooting at Assassin. He would've killed him if it wasn't for his shield.
"Tucker, Wash. Shut the fuck up already!" The cobalt soldier seemed to be in charge. Assassin shot him down, but he somehow became a ghost. "I've had enough of this dipshit. Caboose!" He yelled at the driver.
"Yes Church?! Do you want to be best friends?!"
"See Assassin? He's our friend! Help him out, will you?!"
"Ok!" Caboose started blasting at Assassin, despite Kirei's driving. The Outrunner caught on fire, and the two had to bail out as it smashed through the barrier. But not before Assassin threw a grenade. To his ire though, it was intercepted by another grenade thrown by a pink soldier on a Mongoose. He drove by holding closely to a yellow soldier by the waist.
"Take that you son-of-a-bitch!" The pink one said in a male voice as they drove past. Behind them, the Outrunner exploded, destroying a fancy loft.
"NO!" Risei yelled. "My illegal condo bought with stolen Church funds and my 'My Little Pony Friendship' collection!" Everyone actually stopped racing and fighting to stare at him in surprise. "Er, I mean, my totally legal home that I made with my own money and was filled with Holy scriptures!" Everyone continued to stare at him. "KEEP RACING!"
"And so Assassin is out of the running!" Illya reported. "Archer and Caster are in the lead still, with Saber close behind. Lancer and Rider are duking it out for third place!"
"Yes, and while Avenger and Berserker are still at the end of the line, they're rapidly closing the distance to Rider! In fact, Avenger's troll just took out the Mongoose!"
"Son-of-a-bitch!" Donut screamed as the troll bashed the Mongoose with its giant tree club.
"Madre De Dios!" His Spanish driver shouted at the same time.
Rast laughed as they rushed past. "See? I told you they're natural sprinters! You just got to poke them enough times!"
Up ahead, Rider and Lancer were trading blows, with Rider holding onto a giant hammer. Everytime it hit the Behemoth, the creature was thrown aside by the gravitational force. But the blows weakened as the charge wore out, letting Lancer finally start parrying it with her lance. She gave a loud laugh as Kayneth clung on for dear life. During a lull in the fighting as both rides pulled away, She looked up as a shadow appeared over Rider. He tried to swerve, but couldn't stop Avenger's troll from landing on the back. The chopper scraped against the road as the troll grabbed hold. Parts flew away as Lancer pulled up ahead with a jaunty wave. While Waver screamed, Avenger and Rast hooted and hollered.
"Told you that would work!" She shouted to Avenger. The troll roared as Rider started shooting him in the groin. "Oi! Stop castrating our troll, you bastard!" Rider had to duck as Avenger fired off arrows to distract him. Waver screamed again as fire started billowing from the engine and the front wheels. As both sides stared in horror, the Chopper exploded. Rider skidded for several more metres with Waver in his arms, while Avenger's troll rushed out of the smoke riding on top of the large wheel. "Well, this out to speed things along! Onwards, matey!"
"And Rider is out of the running!" Risei announced. "Such a shame, such a shame! Guess his Scorpion will have to avenge him! But Wait! What's that coming up behind?! Is that…? Yes it is! Berserker is charging ahead!"
"WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY!" Berserker yelled at the top of his lungs. His Goliath had its massive arm against the road, acting like a plough as he rushed faster and faster. The Scorpion was stuck to the arm like a fly, while the soldiers started shooting at them. Kariya was bouncing around, trading blows with Washington. Despite his improved body, he wasn't doing too well. Meanwhile, Caboose was busy shooting everything around him. One shot blew a hole in the road straight ahead of him. Kariya jumped off as the tank fell partly into the hole and was sandwiched between it and the Goliath. But team Berserker didn't even stop as they were engulfed by the fireball.
"Well, so much for that idea." Risei said. "But if we look ahead, Saber is in a heated battle with Lancer! Illya, do you have something to say to your father?"
"*BLEEP* THEM UP LIKE YOU *BLEEP* MOMMY!" Illya shouted at the top of her voice, scaring Risei with her language.
"You… seem to know a lot of nasty words, little lady."
"My mommy taught me so I can support daddy."
Back in the action, Saber and Lancer were trading blows as they travelled side-by-side. Now, a sword is much better suited for drive-by fighting, leaving Lancer at a disadvantage. Meanwhile, Kayneth used Volumen to disarm Emiya repeatedly. As Saber knocked Lancer's lance aside again, they managed to pull ahead. So Lancer reached back to the Behemoth's spine, and ripped out the large horn. It turned out to be a massive blade, which she started swinging with gusto.
"Holy shit!" Risei shouted. "Lancer just pulled out a massive fucking sword from the Behemoth! Kayneth must be shouting with joy right now!"
"I want my mommy!" Kayneth yelled as he ducked underneath the sword swings. Now both sides were even as they traded blows again and again. Whenever one side pulled ahead, the other would start going on the offensive and swing up beside them. As they pulled away from each other, that was when Avenger rushed ahead between them.
"Out of the way, you scurvy bastards!" Rast shouted as their troll wobbled ahead. She was so busy laughing, that she didn't notice they were heading for the cliff-face. The troll started screaming and waving its arms as Avenger pushed Rast off of it. They rolled onto a bush as the troll impacted against the wall, somehow exploding in a fiery blast as it did. "You saved me." Rast said. "You saved my sexy ass." She gave Avenger a lusty grin. "And I know just how to thank you." She pulled Avenger behind the bush, as their clothes started flying everywhere. As Saber and Lancer passed, they could hear the two ladies giggle.
"Ok, enough with the two ladies *bleep*ing!" Illya yelled. "Right now, Assassin, Rider, and Avenger are all out of the running!"
"Indeed!" Risei continued, his nose bloody and plugged with tissues. "Up in front, Archer and Caster have been neck-in-neck! But Caster is slowing down now! What will happen next?!"
What happened, was that Caster finally had enough Jupiter djinn to summon Thor. He and Sola hopped onto his massive hammer as it flew through the air. He finally managed to get ahead of Archer, whooping as the flew onwards. But Archer pulled out a massive blocky weapon with 9 holes on the front. Large rockets fired after Caster, tracking him despite his Thor's best efforts. They flew way off-course until they were over the city when the rockets smashed into them. Thor and his hammer smashed down on another unfortunate building.
"NO!" Risei yelled again. "My private safehouse filled with porn and loli mannequins!" Everyone stared at him again, while Illya started scooting away with haste. "I mean, my holy tomes and combat dummies! Stop blowing up my shit!"
"Whatever!" Lancer yelled. "Time to take the lead!" She paused as she heard loud rumbling, looking back to see Berserker thundering up her ass. "Oh no you don't!" She swung her blade at the Goliath's arm, where it bit deep. But the sword was stuck, leaving her open for Berserker to slam into her. As the two traded blows – or, more accurately, Berserker beat the stuffing out of her – Kariya started yelling.
"Not to be a killjoy or anything, but WHO'S DRIVING THIS THING?!" Everyone looked up to see that they were about to crash through the safety railing and go over the cliff. The Goliath was moving too fast to turn or stop.
"Well." Berserker simply said. "That happened." And they all yelled as the monsters ran off the road and crashed into the forest below.
"And with that, Lancer and Berserker are out of the running!" Risei shouted. "Amazing how many creatures apparently can't drive themselves! So now it's down to Archer and Saber! Who will win?! Who will be victorious?! We're about to find out!"
Saber managed to pull up beside Archer, slashing with his sword. But Archer intercepted with his wrench, that somehow survived the deadly blow. He quickly used a creature to belch Saber away from him. His whole strategy seemed to be to keep Saber at arm's length for the rest of the race. Luckily, he didn't have much further to go.
"Clank!" Archer shouted. "Do we still have any boost?!"
"One more charge!" Clank replied.
"Alright then. Prepare for…" They were interrupted as Saber's sword impaled the bike's engine. As it started burning, Saber rode up beside them and pushed ahead. But Archer got out an orange shotgun and blasted Saber and Emiya with full power. They slowed down as they fell off Invincible, letting Archer and Tohsaka jump on as their bike started exploding.
"I Don't believe this!" Risei was amazed. "Archer and Tohsaka have stolen Saber's horse! Well, there's nothing against the rules against that!"
"*Bleep* that *bleep*!" Illya started shouting. "C'mon Dad, you *bleep*er! Start bashing that *bleep*head's *bleep*ing *bleep* in! Make him *bleep* sideways, *bleep*!"
"I think your parents need remedial lessons in proper teaching." Risei muttered, until Archer's bike exploded as it crashed into a large shed. "No! My hidden storage locker filled with dollies!"
"I'm not even surprised at this point." Illya muttered. "Seriously, where'd you get all that stuff?" But Risei was too busy sobbing his head off as another private collection went up in smoke.
Archer cheered as he crossed over the finish-line, with the other Servants glaring at him. As he walked down the street to the podium, he noted everyone who hated him.
Assassin and Rider were hard to decipher. They didn't seem upset about losing. They just gave him a nod as he passed. Rider's men were much more vocal. They kept shouting about how he cheated, or fucked things up for them. They seemed to forget that he never fought them. The red one was strangely choking the orange one. Lancer and Berserker were sharpening their weapons against stone walls, promising him death. Caster waved at him and shouted encouragement, as his mistress sat on Kayneth's battered and bandaged body. He blushed as he passed Avenger and Rast, who seemed to forgotten their clothes and were wearing half the bush instead. Finally, he passed by Saber, who while giving him a glare of nightmares, nodded in respect for a great warrior.
"Congratulations, Archer." Irisviel said to him, dressed in a showgirl bikini while holding onto the Holy Grail. "You managed to win against all odds. You deserve this, and your wish."
"Indeed." Risei said, crying as he stood by the church. "And though I've lost priceless collections, garnered several complaints, and am currently under investigation by the Church, at least I still have the church itself." He patted the wall as he spoke, before the whole thing collapsed in on itself. As he stood there crying some more, several clergymen showed up and dragged him off in chains.
"Well then." Iri said, ignoring the disgraced priest. "What is your greatest wish? Power? Wealth? Or would you like to see what's under this bikini?" They all ignored Emiya's spluttering, or Illya trying to bash her brains out on the side of the fallen church.
"What I want," Archer said. "Is the biggest gun of all time." Appearing next to him wasn't so much a gun, as a walking barrel. It was the size of a large house, covered in endless barrels and rockets. Archer pointed it to the sky, and let off all the guns. Bullets pounded as rockets exploded, while blades and bombs pelted out of everywhere. They were so busy watching the display, that they almost missed seeing Iri's swimsuit get shredded. Rast promptly gave Iri her leaves, not caring that she stood naked. Archer whooped as he let off more firepower in his entire life.
And so the Fourth Holy Grail Grand Prix ended with a bang.
Behold, the appearance of Red Vs Blue! God, I love that show.
This race really had me thinking. I didn't want Saber to win like in the anime, but I still ended up with all the other teams getting taken out before then. And for those who've played Kingdoms of Amalur, Rast loves you no matter what gender you are. So I had her as a sex-crazed lesbian in this.
And to those who haven't played it, I didn't exaggerate. One of the first things you get told about her is that she is a terrible captain. The second thing is that she's captain 12 ships in 12 years. And the third thing is that she crashed three ships with one wreck as a child. I'm surprised that Troll lasted as long as it did.
Finally, we heard pretty much all his Noble Phantasms by now. So I'll have Rider's stat sheet up.
Rider
Name: Master Chief
Series: Halo
Master: Waver Velvet
Alignment: Lawful Good
Strength: A
Endurance: A
Agility: B
Magical Power: N/A
Good Luck: EX
Noble Phantasm: A++
Class Skills:
Riding (A+)
Riding is expertise to ride animals and vehicles. At this level Rider can ride anything he finds.
Personal Skills:
Bravery (A+)
Bravery is the ability to negate mental interference such as pressure, confusion and fascination. Not usable under the effects of Mad Enhancement. At this level there is a bonus effect of increasing all damage.
No matter what he came across, Master Chief was unshakable in his determination.
Charisma (A)
Charisma is the natural talent to command an army. Increases the ability of allies during group battles. A rare talent, and an ability inherent to Servants of the Saver class. It is said that a rank of B in this skill is sufficient to lead a nation as its King. At this rank it can be said to have achieved the greatest level of popularity as a human being.
Every human in his dimension instantly recognised Master Chief on sight, and would follow his order to the letter.
Clairvoyance (C)
Clairvoyance connotes superior visual perception and dynamic occipital capture, such as to supplement the long-range aiming of projectile weapons. At higher ranks, it is possible that the bearers of this skill have acquired such abilities as precognition ("future vision") and other forms of perception beyond standard eyesight (X-ray vision and so forth). At this rank Rider is capable of keeping track of fast-moving object within a range of 4kms.
Rider had ocular implants that allow him to shoot distant targets with ease.
Eternal Arms Mastership (A+)
Eternal Arms Mastership prevents degradation of fighting skills when under the effect of mental hindrance. At this level mastership of combat arts has reached the point of being said to be unrivalled in one's era. By complete merging of mind, body and technique, it is possible to make use of full fighting skills even when under the influence of any sort of mental hindrance.
Expert of Many Specializations (B)
Expert of Many Specializations is access to and use of many expert skills. At this level Rider has mastered many skills relating to fighting.
The SPARTAN Project ensured that all members were trained in as many skills as they could, so as to combat all threats both known and unknown.
Eye of the Mind (False) (A)
It refers to a natural talent to avoid danger on the basis of an innate 6th sense, intuition, or prescience, where accuracy of instinct has been augmented by experience - somewhat overcoming the problem of visual obstructions that appear in the course of combat. The ability grants an effect of offering resistance against penalties caused by visual obstructions.
After spending so much time fighting, Master Chief can almost always plan for incoming threats.
Guardian Knight (A+)
Guardian Knight temporarily raises defensive power when protecting others.
At this level one is given unlimited powers of protection.
Master Chief gave his life to defend Humanity from Alien invaders.
Instinct (A)
Instinct is the power to "feel" the most favourable developments for oneself during battle. At this rank one has a refined sixth sense that is now close to true precognition. Bonus effect of reducing by half the penalties caused by obstructed vision and hearing.
Master Chief's ocular implants allow him to see much further, and his tactical training has helped him develop good instincts.
Natural Body (C)
Natural Body is the possession of a perfect body as a living being from birth. The owner of this Skill is treated as if his STR is always Rank-Up.
Due to implants and training, Master Chief is at the peak of his physical capability, if not beyond.
Pioneer of the Stars (EX)
Pioneer of the Stars is the unique Skill given to heroes that became turning points in the human history. All difficult voyages and challenges which are considered "impossible" turn into "events that can be realized".
By killing the High Prophets of the Covenant, and Wiping out the Flood, Master Chief changed the course of the entire war and save Humanity.
Revelation (N/A)
Revelation is a Skill equivalent to Instinct, a sixth sense regarding battles; however, "Revelation" accommodates all matters related to the achievement of a goal (for instance, choosing the most suitable path while traveling). Because there is no basis it cannot be explained to others clearly.
Master Chief had such good luck, he could always find a way to complete his missions.
Noble Phantasms:
Place An M85 Down By My Feet. (Anti-Unit)
Master Chief calls down a drop pod containing specific weapons. Note that he must still reach it and anyone can use the weapons.
Forward Unto Dawn
Chief summons either a vehicle from UNSC Forward unto Dawn or the vessel itself.
You're the Solider they Need You to Be.
Cortana activates powerful equipment one time only. Equipment includes Overshield, invisibility, autosentry, hardlight shield, hologram, jet pack, promethean vision, regeneration shield and thrusters pack. All items can run out of battery power.
They'll Regret That Too (Anti-Army)
Master Chief opens a reality marble based on the Halo Snowrunner area. Inside is a massive human army 40,000 men strong.