Trying to Mend
Seattle Medical Center
'Today is the day' that was the thought Freddie repeated to himself over and over again hoping that it would sink in and calm his racing heart, but that was easier said than done. Today is the day I get to go home' Freddie thought to himself as he took a calming breath, 'today is the day that everything goes back to normal' with that last thought Freddie sighed and opened his eyes to see Ellen standing at the door watching him fixedly but she broke into a smile when he looked up at her.
"How are you feeling" she asked as she walked over to him
"Pretty good actually and I'm not on any of the pain medication" Freddie answered trying to seem positive
"That's good to hear, are you ready to go home?" Ellen asked with a small smile
Freddie gave a mental sigh as he truly felt the weight of that question; he'd been asking himself that exact question ever since his mother told him he would be moving back in with her, and truth is he wasn't sure he was. Up until now he'd been trying to play it cool and leave facts and negative thoughts at the back of his mind but now there was no room for avoidance, he is going back home and he'll have to face Sam Carly and Spencer and he wasn't sure he could just play everything off as misunderstandings. He wanted it all to go back to normal but now it started to sink in that things might never be normal between any of them ever again. He'd had sex with Carly and he wasn't sure where they stood right now and Sam had confessed to him and he threw it back in her face, he'd have better luck building a time machine than everything just going back to normal.
"Tch No I'm not but I guess I have to be, I can't runaway forever" Freddie finally answered her after a long pause
"For a kid your age you sure handle things well Freddie" Ellen said giving his shoulder a squeeze.
Freddie gave her a small nod before Ellen got up and left the room, he had a few more minutes to himself before his mother got off work and would come pick him up so he started to gather up his things. Sliding his jacket on Freddie turned his attention to his laptop as it gave a sound; Freddie gave a small sigh with a smile as he was able to fix some glitches in the iCarly site which had been caused by a large number of traffic on the site during their time off the air. Freddie was glad most of their fans had stayed true to the site and were waiting for them to come back online, but even so Freddie wondered if they were ever going to come back on, or even when they did would he be behind the camera. Freddie sighed audibly.
"Are you okay Freddie?" Marissa asked as Freddie hadn't even noticed her come in.
Freddie felt his body automatically tense as his mother reached out to him but he quickly forced himself to relax, he had seen his mothers hurt face every time it happened so he was trying to keep it down to a minimum but sometimes it couldn't be helped. Letting out a calming breath Freddie let his mother feel his forehead.
"I'm fine just thinking" Freddie replied removing her hand from his forehead
"What's on your mind?" Marissa asked as she hoisted up Freddie's bag
"Everything" Freddie said with a sad smile "I can carry my stuff you know, it doesn't even hurt at all anymore"
"And I'd like to keep it that way" Marissa returned
Once they had everything they slowly made their way out of the hospital, as he walked along side with his mother Freddie could feel his heart slowly start to thump louder and louder in his chest. 'Today is the day' he kept repeating the mantra over and over in his head but no matter how many times it rang out in his head, he knew deep down he didn't believe it.
Shay apartment
Flipping her phone shut Carly turned to the congregation of friends present and let a smile stretch out into a grin, after receiving a call from Freddie's mother it was time to get everybody ready for Freddie's surprise welcome back party.
"Alright everybody I just got a call from Freddie's mom their ten minutes away, so let's put on some smiles and get ready"
"Let's do this" Gibby said with a fist pump
"Alright everybody head up to the roof and get cozy, we'll be up as soon as Freddie's a bit settled in. I'll text Gibby to give everybody the heads up when were coming up ok?" Sam said but not waiting for a reply she began ushering people out the apartment and they all filed out heading for the Bushwell plaza roof.
It hadn't taken much to convince Mrs. Benson to agree with giving Freddie some excitement after being cooped up in the hospital for weeks. Looking at the backs of their schoolmates and friends Sam felt nervous as it finally set in that Freddie was coming back and that there'd be no avoiding what had happened between them. She knew there'd be no escaping or avoiding the fact that she had in a some what twisted way revealed her feelings for him and if that wasn't enough she had beat him up badly when he had rejected her. Had he rejected her? She wasn't sure it was all a sheer blur. There was no time to think of those kind of things now, it was Freddie's welcome back party and the resume of iCarly as well, with them being off the air for so long; a party and a web cast would be just what they needed to get things back to normal, or as normal as they could in this situation.
"You alright Sam?" Spencer asked on his way out of the apartment with a tray of snacks
"Yeah" Sam said with a sigh "Let's get this show on the road"
On the way
"Carly, Sam and Spencer wanted to welcome you back so I told them we were on our way" Marissa told Freddie sneaking a glance at him while keeping her eyes on the road
"Oh" was all Freddie said
"Aren't you excited to see them again? It's been weeks since you've seen them"
"Feels like its been only a few days" Freddie said with a small smile playing his lips
The two fell into a slight silence a while before it was broken once again by Marissa
"Do you want to talk about what really happened between you and Sam?"
"I already told you what happened between me and Sam" Freddie said noncommittally as he stared out the window at the passing scenery.
"You told us what supposedly happened but we didn't really talk about it"
"I don't know what you want from me" Freddie said with a sigh
"I just want you to talk to me, you always take it all on your self and I want you to know that I'm here for you"
"Since when…" Freddie mumbled but was pretty sure his mother caught it.
"I guess now isn't the right time for a talk anyway" Marissa said quietly "We'll talk about everything later, for now just try to forget and put on a smile for your friends"
Freddie half nodded as Marissa brought the car to a stop, they had arrived and he felt more apprehensive than ever but like his mother said he had to put on a smile for Carly and Sam. They unloaded the small luggage that Freddie had with him and Freddie slowly followed behind his mother as they made their way towards the basement elevator. It was a short ride up to their floor which wasn't much of a surprise as people tended to stay in doors on Sundays, which kept the elevators clear. Freddie felt himself tense up as the elevator doors opened to see Carly and Sam waiting for him and for a moment he wasn't sure how to proceed but his lack of movement was broken as his mother gave him a slight shove causing him to stumble out of the elevator. Freddie looked back at his mother with a slight frown before turning back to face Carly and Sam, the latter seemingly looking anywhere but him; which brought a smile to his face.
"Hey" Carly said with a smile
"Sup" Sam said coolly though clearly uncomfortable
"Hey" Freddie returned
Grabbing the bag Freddie was carrying Marissa said "I'll get your stuff unpacked, you go with your friends"
Marissa didn't give Freddie a chance to argue as she walked past him and swiftly entered their apartment leaving Freddie to sort things out by himself. Giving an inward sigh Freddie walked up to Carly and Sam, it was weird the three of them standing there saying nothing but after all they had done to each other they didn't expect to be chumming it out.
"How do you feel?" Carly asked a nervous smile playing her lips
"Oh you know as good as you can after all that's been going on" This said his hands in his pockets and a slight nodding off his head
"Well it's good to have you back" Sam said with an uncertain smile
"Good to be back" Freddie said returning their smiles feeling like things wouldn't be so bad.
"Great now come with us we've got a surprise for you"
Before Freddie could argue Carly grabbed his hand and was already leading him towards the stairs, Sam let Carly and Freddie have the lead and followed them from behind. Sam glanced at Carly and Freddie's intertwined hands, she knew it meant nothing and shouldn't have even registered with her but was unable to help herself as these kinds of things just seemed to happen without her control. She knew how things would turn out, right now they would probably have a good time at the party with their friends but after everyone was gone and they were alone the silence would grow and there would be no way to get around talking about all the crap that happened. Sam gave a silent sigh as in the split second she had been gathering her thoughts the memory of her trying to kiss Freddie played through her mind, the look in his eyes as he pushed her away and taste of bile shared between them still fresh in her mind. No matter how damaged the memory; it was still a kiss and she couldn't shake it. Sam reached into her pockets and was quick with a text to Gibby that they were on their way up
"So what's the surprise and why are we heading for the roof?" Freddie asked trying to act natural though resisting the urge to wrench his hand away from Carly. Contact had become a taboo, the slightest touch sent shivers down his spine but not with negative feelings but the erotic type that sent his body down a road he didn't desire anymore.
"It won't be a surprise if we tell and the surprise is on the roof"
Freddie could laugh at how far he'd come, it was only a few months ago that thoughts of a sexual experience were welcomed but now such thoughts he couldn't stand, but a part of him couldn't help but latch on to all and any type of sexual thoughts. Such little touches like the one Carly was giving him, though making him extremely uncomfortable were welcomed by another part of him which caused his body to respond lustfully even with the smallest of touches. He was pained by the looks he's mother would give him each time he would flinch from her touch but it was all he could do to keep the lustful and disgusting thoughts away.
"Fine, fine" Freddie mumbled
They had reached the last final steps when Carly stepped aside and let go of Freddie but held out her hand towards the door suggesting for Freddie to enter first. Slightly relieved from the lack of contact Freddie walked up to the door and pushed it open.
"SURPRISE!" A collective scream was declared
Freddie had to squint as the glare from the sky hit his eyes and slowly as his eyes adjusted to the light, with that a smile worked its way to his face. There with beaming smiles and happy faces his friends awaited him, Freddie didn't know how much he had missed his friends until that moment.
"Guys…" Freddie silently breathed out
"Well what do you think….are you surprised?" Sam said as she came up behind him
"I don't know what to say, I can't believe you did this for me" Freddie said giving Sam and Carly a grateful smile
Feeling a slight blush coming on Sam tried to play their efforts for him down "It's not like we had anything better to do, so it's not a big deal"
"Oh come-on Sam don't so be modest this was all her idea" This coming from Shane who sported himself an evil grin enjoying the riled up look on Sam's face
"It was a team effort" Gibby said joining the group and giving Freddie a slight squeeze on the shoulder
Noticing his iCarly video camera in Gibby's hand Freddie gave him a slight smile but a curious look at what he was doing with his tech, the thought of iCarly going on without him had made sense when he thought about it but seeing it Freddie couldn't help but feel a little hurt by it.
Noticing Freddie's questioning look Gibby gave him a grin before thrusting the camcorder into his arms, which was greeted by Freddie giving him a puzzled look. Freddie could tell he was missing something as no one was talking anymore but only looking towards him.
"Okay guys what's going on?" Freddie turned to see Carly and Sam fitting on their microphones and the sound controller in Sam's hands.
"Well to make this even better we thought it would be a great time to go back on the air, I mean iCarly wasn't iCarly without you" Carly explained
"Wait, what? A heads up might have been appreciated, I don't even know what-"
Cutting Freddie off in an exasperated tone Sam said "Yeah, yeah just leave it to us you just do your job, which is to point and shoot"
"But-"
"Were on in 30 seconds so get ready" Carly said giving Freddie no room to argue
Giving up on getting himself ready for the show Freddie scanned the room for his tech stand and that was all he could do before getting the signal that they were on in 5.
"4, 3, 2, 1 and were on" Freddie said feeling himself back in his element where all your life's crap didn't quite matter.
"Hi I'm Sam"
"And I'm Carly"
"And this is iCarly!" Their friends joining in the last bit making it extra loud.
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"Well thanks for coming it was good to see you"
The webcast had gone off without a hitch and the festivities were now at a close. Freddie needn't be told what now had to follow; the façades were now to fall and the talks now to be had. It seemed the unsaid message passed between the three of them as both Sam and Carly seemed to tense as he had when the last of their guests bid them farewell.
"Well that's everybody" Carly said turning away from the last departing guest.
There was a slight silence but Spencer spared the trio having to think up something to say "You guys head down stairs I'll help Freddie get the stand into the elevator"
"Alright" Carly said uncertainly as she turned making her way down stairs and Sam silently following after her.
Freddie turned to Spencer guessing this would be the first of the talks he would have today.
"So" Freddie said uncertainly
"We need to talk about what happened…"
"We really don't have to"
"Yes we do…I didn't exactly handle things well" Spencer said sounding abashed.
"I… we should have talked to you about it, I may not have any siblings but I know you were just looking out for your little sister"
"Even still I could have handled it better, so I'm sorry" Spencer paused seeming to collect his thoughts "But we'll have to talk about it. You me and Carly together"
Freddie let his gaze wonder down to his shoes and nodded though mentally cringing at the thought of the coming talk Spencer wanted to have.
"Alright then I guess you should go talk to Sam and Carly they seemed to want a piece of you too" Spencer joked lightly "And don't worry about the equipment I'll get it."
Knowing that procrastinating his talk with Carly and Sam was useless; Freddie made his way down to the shay apartment via the elevator. Watching the doors split apart he let a neutral facial expression rest on his features before walking into the apartment.
"I thought you were bringing down the equipment with Spencer?" Carly asked from her seated position on the couch
"He didn't want me straining myself when I just got out of the hospital" He said coming to stand behind the couch "Where's Sam?"
"She's up stairs, we did rock paper scissors to see who got to talk to you first" Carly said giving him a small nervous smile "She's waiting for you"
Freddie gave her a slight nod before turning to walk upstairs, he silently wondered if Sam had won or lost the game to be the first one up. Freddie wasn't too enthusiastic on his way up the stairs but before he knew it he was in front of the iCarly studio and knew there wouldn't be no turning back now. He stepped into the room exhaling the product of a calming breath; Sam was sitting on one of the bean bags turned away from him.
"Hey" Freddie said uncertainly as he walked up next to her.
"Hey" Sam said apprehensively as she watched him take a seat on the other bean bag next to her.
There was a silence between them that stretched as neither said a word; Freddie stared on ahead but watched Sam fidget from the corner of his eyes. He could see she was terribly uncomfortable and once in a while she looked as though she was about to say something but didn't. This entire situation was his fault so Freddie broke the silence, never knowing what to say until the words hung in the air between them.
"I'm sorry Sam" His head was down cast to spare himself her reactions. "I know I messed things up between the three of us"
Sam didn't say anything for a few minutes not sure what to make of Freddie's words, he had offered her a way out without having to take up part of the blame that was so rightly hers. She wanted to take the easy way out and blame it on him but that wasn't how it was and not how she worked.
"It would be so easy to agree with you but this whole thing could be my fault" Sam said her voice soft and low, she continued before Freddie could retort "I said some things to Carly that made her doubt you, which probably led to you breaking up"
Freddie let out a breath "I was the one with the odd behavior so it's not all on you, and going to your house in the middle of the night didn't exactly help things"
"Why did you" Sam asked suddenly perking up
"Why did I what"
"Come to my house in the middle of the night" Sam said now starring directly at Freddie.
"I didn't mean to come to your house, I just sort of ended up there you know" Freddie's voice was heavy, his eyes never leaving the floor but he felt Sam's gaze.
"Why were you running around in the middle of the night anyway?" Sam asked somewhat amused
"I just needed a little air and went for a run but things didn't go as planned" Freddie said with a small smile as he remembered his run
"What happened?" Sam asked interested
"I don't know how but I ended up outside the residential area and just as I was about to turn back, a psycho hobo hops out of the bushes and makes a run at me all crazy like and well needless to say I ran. And in all that excitement I ended up at yours and thought I'd say hi and well, you know the rest"
Freddie grinned and shook his head as he listened to Sam's laughter fill the room, lifting his face for the first time he gave her a look but was quick to cast his it away from her upon seeing her. Sam had slid to the floor as she laughed but her top had been pulled up by the bean bag's reluctance to let her go revealing her smooth belly.
"That seems like something that would happen to you" Sam said collecting herself oblivious to Freddie's slight blush "Why did you need air in the middle of the night anyway, did something happen between you and those people" Sam asked not remembering who Freddie had been staying with.
"No I just couldn't sleep and the bed wasn't very comfortable" Freddie said starting to wonder about Sam's line of questioning
"What happened between you in your mom?" Sam asked bluntly tired of beating about the bush
"Where are you going with this Sam? I thought you wanted to talk but it seems like I'm being interrogated" Freddie said defensively feeling his heart go from sixty to a hundred and twenty in a mere second.
Sam winced at his tone but continued "When we were at my house the time I…the time I…"Sam fell quite as she couldn't bring herself to say it.
Freddie knew exactly what time Sam was talking about but her inability to say it and her crest fallen face let him know she felt guilty over what she had done. He never held it against her but he needed to get her away from looking too close to him and his mother's relationship.
"The time you gave me a broken nose and two fractured ribs?" Freddie said bluntly staring directly at her.
Sam looked up from the floor to meet Freddie's eyes, which stared at her blankly. "I…I never meant to do that to you" Sam said her voice breaking slightly.
Freddie watched Sam get up and walk away from him and move to the window looking down to the once suspicious video shop. He noted she was trembling slightly. Freddie got up and walked over to her, he stood behind her but she didn't acknowledge his presence. Freddie took a deep steadying breath before grabbing Sam's shoulder giving them an encouraging squeeze.
"I know Sam; I never held it against you" Freddie whispered into her ear
"How can you not, I hurt you so badly Freddie" She said taking in a deep pained breath "I had to scrub your blood off my knuckles Freddie" She finished her voice distant as though she was miles away
Freddie watched feeling numb as two tears made sport racing down Sam's face, he had been the one who had been beat up but he knew looking back on the events must eat her up more than it did him. Sam didn't show much emotion but Freddie could see through her stone crafted face that she was in much pain over it. Freddie wasn't sure what he could say to her to make it right with her ignoring his words telling her it didn't matter.
Sam turned to face him abruptly, surprising Freddie "I'm sorry Freddie...i…just-"
Freddie saved her from her stuttered speech bringing her into her a tight hug, before whispering into her ear
"Its okay Sam I forgive you" bringing her out of the embrace he let her eyes find his before making sure she understood him "I forgive you, okay?" Freddie watched her nod numbly before bringing her into a hug once more.
"At this rate things will never get back to normal" Freddie joked releasing Sam from his embrace
"Your delusional if you think you've ever been normal" Sam said her voice small but hopeful
"Well normal as we can get then" Freddie said with a pause "Feeling better?"
"Yeah thanks..."
"Anytime"
A silence began to build as both occupants of the room didn't say anything, Freddie was about to suggest he talk to Carly no when Sam spoke
"Hey Freddie"
"Yeah?" He asked but knew he would regret it.
"About the kiss-" Sam tried to get out but Freddie cut her off
"We don't have to talk about it" Freddie said for the second time that day but knew that it was a lie.
"I do"
"Okay" Freddie allowed
Sam was quiet for a while searching for the right words to say, all too aware of Freddie's arms around her. Since when was she such a girl Sam silently wondered as she let her forehead rest against Freddie's chest, she would slap herself if she didn't feel so vulnerable at the moment. Taking a breath Sam brought her face up to catch Freddie's eyes with her own.
"I never meant for things to end up the way they did-" Sam began but Freddie cut her off
"I think we already covered that" Freddie said his eyes taking a quick glimpse at her soft lips
"Let me finish" Sam said hurriedly breaking eye contact when she noticed his eyes catch her lips "I never meant for the kiss to happen… but it did and…"
Looking on with interest for her next words Freddie encourage her as she trailed off "And?"
"And it made me realize something" Sam said meeting his eyes once more
"What's that?" Freddie asked feeling his throat go dry
"That ever since we shared our first kiss, I've…I've had fe-elings for you" Sam said squeaking the last part out.
*Silence*
Freddie nodded dumbly. What else could he do, he hadn't expected this.
Seemingly unburdened by his silence Sam continued "Its okay you don't have to say anything or feel obligated to tell me how you feel, I just needed you to know how I felt"
Sam slowly pushed away from Freddie with a shudder as his hands trailed from her back to the sides of her stomach. "I'm sure Carly is going mad right about now so I should let her know its her turn" Sam said walking past Freddie heading for the door.
"Sam" Freddie called out making her stop hand on the door knob.
"Yeah" She said hoarsely
Freddie hesitated a moment "About me and my mom…, I moved out because I didn't want to take tick baths anymore and well you know how dramatic my mom can be"
"Yeah your mom's crazy" Sam said bluntly though never turning to look at him before slipping out of the room to call up Carly.
Freddie sighed as he watched Sam leave the room not really sure if she bought his excuse or not but slightly relived to have given her an excuse she didn't poke into. Freddie looked up at the clouding sky that seemed to resemble his life; Sam just admitted she had feelings for him and didn't even give him room to respond. If she had wanted a response what would he have said? Freddie didn't know but for now it didn't matter he would think on it later. He could hear slow steps coming up the stairs and he wanted to run, but knew running wouldn't do him any good.
T.B.C
A.N: Sorry for taking so long with the update but I had to get my falling social life back up before I lost touch with all my friends. Anyway I'll have another chapter up soon enough I hope. Reviews are always welcome, and for any mistakes let me know and I'll fix em right up.
3ohE