There were still times that the Doctor would act like his old self. There was still the anger, still the barely concealed loathing for everything around himself (and even perhaps his own self) there but sometimes he would talk; he would be excited about something. Sometimes he still laughed. Clara enjoyed those times immensely; she could forget for a second that he was now a monster, someone that hurt her in more ways that she thought possible. For a few shining moments, he would be just the Doctor again as opposed to what he now seemed to be. These days, even calling him Doctor didn't feel right anymore; for his mission to help others all over the universe seemed to be a lost mission to him these days. But in those moments, it did seem he was he was the Doctor again.
They had been having one of those moments today; they had been reliving a trip they'd had months ago on the beautiful planet of Paradise. The planet had lived up to its name sake, but a series of humorous occurrences along the way had made it very memorable trip in all the wrong ways. They had been discussing whether or not to make a return trip there now; the Doctor had even smiled. Clara was feeling hopeful again.
As the Doctor had leaned in and placed a kiss on her lips, she had felt even more hopeful that he wasn't the scary man that had come to haunt her nightmares with the things she had seen him do lately. At first his hand on her cheek had felt soft, tender as his thumb ran across her skin. At first she had felt tense under the touch, expecting something rough and hard with how his manner toward her had been lately. But his hand so gentle on her face and his lips gliding on hers, she felt those barriers that she had been developing begin to fall away.
Her head was beginning to feel dizzy with the sensation, surprised when the Doctor pressed against her, her back pushing into the firmness of the console. It wasn't the first time that they had kissed, but it wasn't a common occurrence. She got that nervous flutter of energy in her stomach as he deepened the kiss, not aware of the turmoil going on inside him.
The Doctor didn't do affection; as a time lord, physical relations had not been nearly as important as they were to humans. Many of them seemed to throw theirselves at him with needless shows of affection but that was the way humans were; messy, needy and most often obnoxious. He just didn't share that need that they had so often had. That physical need had made itself known to him a few times in the past but it wasn't often. Most of the times that it had shown itself to him was when she had been traveling with him. That human who had originally fixed him, who had taken the broken pieces of war-torn him and had really made him good. He would feel that deep, burning flame of desire burn inside him at times but he had held back. He had never even let his lips touch hers and he regretted it deeply.
He had not felt that burn with anyone since; he had been more openly physical with Clara than other companions but that was because he was lonely and he didn't care about hurting anyone anymore. That was what had held him back from giving himself to her. He was sure that it would have destroyed her in the end. But he had lost her in the end anyway and he had learned through all these lessons that he needed to look out for only one person's needs; his.
But as he kissed Clara now, as his mouth claimed more of hers, he began to feel that flame inside of him spring up and begin to burn like a smoldering fire. His hearts were beginning to beat harder as his thoughts were slowing falling away and giving in to simply feeling. Chemicals that he so rarely felt were flooding through his body as he ran his cool tongue over Clara's warm one. She had hesitated at first but she was now giving into that sensation as well. Good; because while he had held himself back down in the past he had no intention of doing that now.
Clara felt her knees going weak as desire coursed through her blood and made her begin to ache. She didn't want to admit that something was wrong but slowly she could feel that something was beginning to not feel right. The Doctor grabbed her wrists and pushed them over her head and against the console. At first she had allowed this without question; but as his hands dug into her skin painfully she begin to feel red flags go off in her brain. As her arms were immovable and the Doctor was pressing himself against her, his actions becoming hard and fiery, she began to panic.
Clara moved her head to the side in an attempt to break the kiss. She felt a hard tug on the lips as the Doctor pulled back. He made no attempt to move away from her or to let go of her wrists. When he looked down at her, what she saw alarmed her. There was desire and passion in his cool blue eyes but there was also that dark shadow, the one he gave her when he yelled at her or hit her. It was that dark thing that was so new to his personality but very disturbing; it was the look of someone that thought they owned you. While she would love to say that the Doctor did not own her, she was in a very powerless state. As long as he had her in the TARDIS among the stars, there was little she could do. While he had once valued what she said, that was no longer the case.
"Stop" Clara gasped out. Her voice was raspy from the desire had rushed in but was quickly leaving and though she had hoped that it would sound strong, it sounded only weak.
The Doctor gave her a smirk. "And why would I want to do that?" he asked, pressing his fingertips deeper into her wrists. She was sure to have bruises tomorrow.
"I don't want to do this" Clara admitted, letting her head fall back on the console as the Doctor pressed himself ever closer to her. Her heart was beating hard as he leaned down over top of her, his face almost touching hers. This had started out so well; she'd almost thought things were going to be normal between them. But now, all she felt was fear.
The Doctor gave her a dark smile. "Sure you do…the way you look at me, flirt with me? I might have been a little clueless at times but even I noticed the way you were shamelessly throwing yourself at me."
Clara felt her face flush; she might have made an attempt to flirt with him at times. She was attracted to him, that wasn't much of a secret. But this didn't feel right; he didn't feel right. She tried to move her arms but she couldn't; the Doctor tightened his grip on her. "This doesn't feel right" Clara said, her voice thick, wondering as she looked into his dark face if there was even a point of arguing. "You're holding me down"
The Doctor smiled at her as he squeezed her wrists hard enough that she called out. Weak; it didn't take much to illicit a response from her. But that just made her more fun to play with. He could feel the thrill of the dark shadows inside him wanting to come out and play. He was definitely going to let them play; and they liked screams.
"Ah, don't tell me this hurts you" he taunted her. "Aren't you made of stronger stuff than this?"
Clara felt tears beginning to sting her eyes but she fought to keep them in; the last thing wanted to do was cry. She missed her energetic and childlike chinboy so much; now he was just a monster. The daggers in his told her nothing she said mattered and she felt herself give up. "Doctor…..please just don't do this" she said. She hadn't intended it to sound like begging but it did.
The Doctor leaned down, pressing more of his weight on her. Clara really had some nerve; after all her flirtations she wanted to still be the one to say no when it didn't suit her ?The Doctor decided it was time that she realized that not everything was about her and not every descion was hers. As he saw a tear escape her eye and roll down the side of his face, he felt his smile grow bigger; she was going to be easy to break.