B.J. flew out to Maine the next day. Hawkeye had to work in the morning but planned to cut out of the office at noon, giving himself a long weekend to devote all his time and energy to B.J.
He walked home from the office briskly, equally worried and excited. The last time he'd actually seen B.J. was that July visit when they'd kissed (not that he thought about that much… well, not any more than a hundred times a day). For some twisted reason, he couldn't shake the idea that B.J. was going to tell him he was ill. Stop thinking such dark thoughts, Pierce. And even if he is ill—that's OK, because I'll make him better. It's what I do.
As he neared his house, he could see B.J. standing on his front porch. He'd gotten in earlier than Hawkeye expected. Hawkeye felt his heart thump at the sight of the man, and he picked up his pace.
"Hey Beej, great to see you!" he exclaimed when he got to the porch. He opened his arms wide and B.J. rushed into them, and for a moment, the entire world stopped while they held one another… taking comfort in the contact.
B.J. had this strange expression on his face that seemed to be a mix of anxiety, joy, trepidation and fatigue. Hawkeye's worry was increasing a hundredfold by the second. "Hawkeye, there's so much to tell you—"
Hawkeye could feel his heart hammering in his chest. He gestured to the front door, "Let's go inside and sit down. I feel like I need to sit. You've got me worried to death."
B.J. nodded, "Yeah, let's go inside."
Hawkeye got two bottles of beer out of the fridge and handed one over to B.J. They sat on the couch but neither drank, and after a second, B.J. sprang up again and started to pace. "I've rehearsed how I was going to tell you and now suddenly I have no idea how to start." He laughed bitterly. He looked—well, he looked cute as always, there was no denying that. But he looked very beaten down by whatever the hell was on his mind.
Hawkeye's voice, somehow calm even though he was anything but: "Just tell me. Whatever it is, I'm here. If I can help, I'll help."
B.J. set his beer bottle down on the coffee table and ran a hand through his hair. He stopped pacing and stood before Hawkeye. "Peg and I have separated, that's the first thing. I don't think you'll find that too surprising, since I've been telling you that we were drifting apart, and you probably saw that, too, when you were out there visiting. "
Hawkeye's mouth had gone dry, and he couldn't think of anything to say, so he only nodded. He was surprised, though—he thought couples stayed together through just about anything when they had a kid to consider.
B.J. went on, "We just decided the other day that we're going to go through with a divorce. She wants more kids—well, you know that story very well. And obviously that means she wants to find a man who'll give her more kids, and she knows she can't wait long to start dating again." He gave another of those bitter laughs. "She's gotten almost clinical about it, 'I only have so many years left to bear children, B.J., and I need to find somebody soon.' It was shocking to hear her so… calculated. We're still married and she's talking about her next husband already."
"God, Beej," Hawkeye managed. "I'm so sorry."
But he wasn't. He wasn't.
"It's been a long time coming, to be honest with you, Hawk."
Hawkeye nodded again. "What about Erin?"
"Peg agreed to joint custody. I adore my daughter, she's a huge part of my life."
"I know."
"I think Peg's going to be very reasonable about that. Thank God."
"And does Erin know what's going on?"
"To an extent, yes. When I get back, I'm going to move out of the house. We'll explain a lot more to her then."
Hawkeye's mind was racing to keep up with this turn of events. He had so many questions but wasn't sure how to form them.
"That was the first thing," B.J. said, and his voice had turned soft. "But it's not the only thing."
Hawkeye gave his head a shake, as if to say, There can't be anything more stunning than the news that B.J. Hunnicutt is getting divorced.
B.J. finally took a seat on the couch next to Hawkeye, and faced him with an almost solemn expression. "The second thing—and I better say it fast before I lose my nerve—is that I think I'm in love with you."
The supernova that hit Hawkeye's heart felt like a whopper. He literally jolted. "Beej… I…" He was pretty much speechless, which was OK because B.J. stopped him anyway.
"Please, let me just say what I want to say." B.J. rose and started his pacing again, all energy and nerves. "I lost more sleep trying to understand this than I did worrying about my marriage. You and I have known each other how long now? About seven years. But I guess over time, something shifted… in me. Suddenly I realized I couldn't stop thinking about you. You were on my mind all the time… and not like, 'he's my best friend and I care for him and I hope he's doing OK,' but in a… very different way. A silly schoolgirl-crush way, like how beautifully blue your eyes are, and how sexy you look when you're in doctor mode, all compassionate and focused. I've never before been attracted to a man, Hawkeye. Not even remotely. It was confusing and scary… I had no idea what to make of it."
Hawkeye knew the feeling.
"I was raised in a religious family," B.J. continued, "and I still believe in God… I do. And the Bible, well, it has some interesting things to say about homosexuality."
"I know all about that," Hawkeye said, finally getting a word in edgewise. But then he shut his mouth again and listened, because this was one hell of an amazing monologue and he wanted to pay attention to every word.
"So I kept telling myself all kinds of things: it's wrong, it's nothing, it's silly, it's futile. And of course I was terrified of jeopardizing our friendship. You're the best friend I've ever had. I thought maybe the feelings would go away. And then I thought I could force them away. I tried that but it didn't work." He stopped walking then, faced Hawkeye, and said with a ghost of a smile on his face. "And then you came to visit in July. You were so sad, it broke my heart. I swear I didn't plan it, but I kissed you. And you kissed back."
"But Beej…" Hawkeye stammered, tried again. "You didn't say a thing to me about that kiss. It was as if it never happened, the way neither one of us breathed a word about it."
B.J. tapped his chest, taking ownership. "I was still confused, Hawk… even more so. Still terrified of messing up. I had no idea how to talk about it. But I will say this: I may not have mentioned it, but I never stopped thinking about it. That damn kiss was electric."
"It was. Beyond electric." Hawkeye shook his head back and forth in wonderment at all he had just heard. There were so many emotions running through him… shock, amazement, joy, relief, even a certain amount of incredulity. Finally he cracked, "You and I really need to talk more. Save us both a lot of anguish."
That got a nervous laugh out of B.J. and his shoulders seemed to relax. He tilted his head to one side, like a puppy. "Are you saying… am I just being hopeful, or are you saying we may have the start of something here?"
Hawkeye stood and moved to B.J., pulling him into his arms, hugging him tightly. "We have the start of something here," he whispered into B.J.'s ear. "Actually, at this point, we're probably in the middle."
He felt B.J.'s hands dig into his back, and he realized that his friend was crying. It was a release, after going through so much inner turmoil for so long, and Hawkeye just let him cry, rocking him slightly.
When they pulled back, Hawkeye wiped away a tear from B.J.'s cheek and said as their eyes locked, "I love you, B.J. Hunnicutt."
B.J.'s voice was thick with emotion, "I love you too, Hawk."
The kiss they shared this time was bolder, more passionate, more tantalizing… and lasted much, much longer.