Warning: Mentions of Self Harm/ attempted suicide

Clara lay stretched out on her bed, staring at the ceiling as she clutched the pillow to her chest. The sound of the TARDIS around her annoyed her and grated on her nerves. There was a time that she would have considered it comforting; this place had once been a second home to her. But right now, it was a prison.

It was her birthday; time was hard to keep track of on the TARDIS but ever since the Doctor had been keeping her on the TARDIS, never returning to Earth, she'd been careful to keep track of how many days had passed. It was her birthday and the only present that she wanted was to be back on Earth, to go home. She wanted to see her friends and her home; she wanted a stupid birthday cake and maybe drink too much. She wanted something comfortable and familiar but she knew that wouldn't happen. It had now been 247 days since she had seen Earth and if anything she had learned in that time was that begging and pleading to go home would get nowhere with the Doctor. A few times it even had earned her a good smack in the face; that was the last thing she wanted today.

Clara rolled onto her belly, face half hidden in the comforter. Her arm was draped close to her face. Her sleeve was pushed up and she could see the bandage on her arm, too close to her wrist. The sight of it made her feel a delightful sense of self-loathing. She could remember in vivid detail how upset the Doctor had been when he had caught her doing it. He'd yelled at her angrily about how stupid she was to try to kill herself. A moment later he had grabbed her roughly and she had thought that he was going to hurt her again. Instead, he had pulled her closely to himself as her blood had soaked his shirt. He'd lifted her onto the counter and wrapped her cut lovingly. He'd been wrong though; she wasn't trying to kill herself. She'd tried to tell him that but he hadn't listened. She'd just been in the shower and she'd been so upset; she'd felt like she was being positively burned alive inside by her feelings. The razor had just been there and it had happened. As she had watched her blood spill down her skin, the desperation inside her had stilled.

There was a knock at the door and Clara pulled her sleeve down so that the bandage was covered completely. "Come in" Clara said tiredly, not bothering to sit up. She heard the door open behind her, followed by footsteps and a moment later he was sitting next to her on the bed.

"Come on, sleepyhead" the Doctor said excitedly. "We've just landed on the planet of Miodin…..you're going to love it! They've got pink grass and huge trees that have fruit that not only looks like bubblegum…..it tastes like it too! There is low gravity there too so run faster, jump higher…..come on, get up and let's go!"

Normally the idea would have been exciting to Clara; right now all she wanted was to lie in bed.

"I don't want to go anywhere" Clara said disgruntled.

"What?" the Doctor asked in surprise. "Are you sick or something?"

"No" Clara answered flatly. "I just don't want to go anywhere"

"Of course you do" The Doctor said encouragingly.

Clara rolled over so that she could face him. "No….I….don't" she said forcefully, watching his happy expression dissolve like a balloon losing its air.

"Come on…..tell me what's wrong" the Doctor said. "You never turn down an adventure"

An adventure was the last thing that Clara wanted; right now she wanted to crawl under the covers and forget today was her birthday. Forget she had ever been born at all…

"It's my birthday" Clara said deadpan, as if it was a horrible thing.

The Doctor smiled ear to ear. "It is?" he asked excitedly. "Well…..even better! What better way to celebrate your birthday?"

Clara stared at him stoically. "It would be better to celebrate it on Earth…I miss my friends and my home…..I want to go home" She knew she probably shouldn't have said it for fear that it would turn his good mood sour. But she couldn't help it. She just wanted to go home.

The Doctor felt his smile fall off his face at Clara's words. He should have expected that; she'd been nagging him for this for weeks. He could understand her desire but he simply couldn't take her back. If he took her back, she would leave him, no doubt. He didn't want to be alone. Fear gripped him, a sensation that he didn't feel often these days and he didn't care for it.

"You know we can't do that, Clara" he said, averting his eyes away from her.

"Yeah…..why's that?" Clara asked angrily. She was pretty much asking for it now but she didn't care. If he wasn't going to take her home then she at least deserved to hear him say it.

"Just because we can't" the Doctor said apprehensively, anger starting to tinge his tone.

Clara shook her head in anger and disappointment before she rolled over so that her back was facing the Doctor. "Get out" she said firmly. She wanted nothing to do with him.

"But Clara-

"I said get out!" Clara practically screamed at him. She covered herself with the cover, hiding from him. She really did love the Doctor, despite his short comings. If she didn't love him she really would have taken that blade to her wrists for real by now. But that didn't mean that she didn't absolutely hate him sometimes too.

After a few moments, Clara heard footsteps as the Doctor exited the room quietly.

Clara woke up disoriented. It was hot and she realized it was because she was still hiding under the covers from earlier. After the Doctor had left she had stayed under the covers, sad but refusing to cry. She thought about birthdays past, wishing she was at home, wishing she could have one more birthday with her parents. She must have fallen asleep.

Clara pushed back the covers and was greeted by a sight that she had never expected to see. Balloons of every color filled her bedroom, along with streamers and glitter every wear. The Doctor sat in a chair by her bed, his face full of childlike excitement. It was the happiest she had seen him all the 247 days he had been this dark version of himself.

"What is this?" Clara asked, gesturing to her room which looked like a party explosion.

"I wanted to make your birthday special" the Doctor said "I know you were upset earlier and I wanted to make you happy. No one should be sad on their birthday"

Clara smiled a little as she looked at his festivities. Clara saw a plate sitting on the Doctor's lap; it looked like the most sunken in, disastrous soufflé that she had ever seen. The Doctor had obviously tried to make it look better by decorating it with frosting and candles but it looked horrible. It meant he'd spent time and really tried…..for her. And that made her happy.

"What's that?" Clara asked, pointing to the soufflé.

"Oh" the Doctor said, looking down at the soufflé and blushing. "I know you like soufflés….you're always trying to make them…I wanted to make one for you. It didn't quite turn out right though"

Clara looked at the disastrous mess before looking up at the Doctor with a smile. She leaned over and gave him a tight hug, taking him by surprise. "It's perfect, Doctor" she said truthfully.