I killed people…..as bad as that is, it's not as bad as the fact that I liked it. I liked the power; I liked to see the terror in people's eyes, the fear as their life drained from their body. I liked the blood; I've always liked the sight of it, the smell of it, how it felt on my skin. Most of the time I've been able to control this urge but now I gave into it completely. Never have I been so horrible, so heartless; the only time I came close was that awful period of my life after the war. The mood would strike me and I wouldn't even attempt to fight it. I would kill, torture, maim….whatever I felt like doing I did it.

The worst of it was what I did to Clara. She has been my companion and I have loved her. After I lost Amy and Rory, I spent so much time alone. I don't even like to think about those times, what I did and who I became. I wasn't always the easiest person to be around but Clara has always been there for me. She has cared for me and loved me even though I have never deserved it. And when Mr. Clever inhabited my mind, he made me do things to her that I never would have otherwise. I hurt her just to hear her scream, cut her just to watch her bleed. I took her, forced her when I wanted her. I wish I could say that it was all Mr. Clever's doing, that he made me do all of it. But when he told Clara that he was just playing on what was already in my mind he was telling the truth. There is a darkness about me that I find hard to conceal and hide but I wouldn't act on it. The things I did to Clara were desires that were deep within my mind and he simply fed on those desires. I didn't want to hurt her, I really didn't. But those things were the thoughts were the ones that were in the back of my mind in my darkest moments and once they were opened, they were nearly impossible to close. When Mr. Clever would let go of my mind, I was able to see things for what they were. I could see her bruises, the way she looked down so much, the way she flinched when I touched her too hard; I want to say that I was completely oblivious to it but the fact of that matter was that I wasn't.

Even after everything I did to Clara, she still loved me. I did every horrible thing to her that I could imagine and yet she still saw me as the Doctor and I haven't been the Doctor since before Mr. Clever inhabited my mind. A Doctor is a person that fixes and helps and I've not done any of that for a long time. I have been nothing but the Oncoming Storm, the Destroyer of Worlds and even so she has still loved me. She loves me even now even though she is scared. But I have finally pushed her too hard; I, under the influence of Mr. Clever, actually tried to kill her.

That night was one of the most terrifying nights of my life. I had slowly been becoming aware of the fact that Mr. Clever inhabited my mind but it wasn't until that night I realized it was him. By the time I figured it out, it was almost too late; I tried to hold him back but once he took hold that night, he was in control. Even now, I see the events that took place after that in a haze. Even though a cloudy haze, what I did was unspeakable, inhumane torture; much worse than anything else I'd ever done to her. The fact that she's still sane is a miracle. I broke both her body and her spirit that night. While Clara had been used to me harming her physically, her broken spirit was something new and it terrified me even more than her. This was the point where she finally gave up on me. I can't blame her…..I stopped believing in myself a long time ago.

When I came to and Mr. Clever had been suppressed, only a result of coming so close to death and regeneration from my near drowning, I was horrified. I was amazed at Clara's brilliance, that she was so committed to ending him, ending me that she was willing to go down with it but when I found her at the bottom of the pool I feared she was the only one that actually perished in all of this. I drug her limp body out of the pool and began to panic. She wasn't breathing, was lifeless; even her lips were blue. I began CPR in a rusty but effective way to restart the human body. Tears were streaming down my face as panic threatened to consume me completely but I just kept at the chest compressions and breathing, looking and hoping for one breath from my dear companion.

Clara's alive and she will recover. It will be a long time before she is fully healed but she will make it physically. Mentally, emotionally…..that's another story. She may never recover from the psychological harm I performed on her. But she is strong and so I imagine she will be just fine, eventually. Me, I'm dying. It's nothing to get upset about; I've died plenty of times. At least this time it means something and it's on my own terms. Even so, it was difficult to swallow that poison, knowing it would trigger the regeneration I hate so much. But it's the only way; when I change every atom in my body, as I am right now, Mr. Clever, the Cyberplanner, will die for good once and for all.

Regeneration is a mixed bag; you never know what you are going to get. Normally, that sort of toss up scares me; right now I welcome it. I want to be someone else, need to be. I hate the man that I've become, one that has no right to be called the Doctor. Clara didn't want me to change but I can't imagine why; does she not fear this face she once called a friend? Does it not scare her to look at me?

All I know is when I'm done I will be a different person, a better person. I will wake and work to be a person that deserves to be called the Doctor.

….

The Doctor was instantly aware of the pain; these were always painful. Regeneration always hurt but this one was more so painful. He felt himself curl up as pain shot through his body but he was more concerned with his mental state than his physical state. He couldn't care less about how his body had turned out he was only worried about what his mind was like. He did a quick mental scan of his mind, focusing on the crevices and corners. His mind hurt, terribly, desperately…..but it was empty. He was free; it had worked. His yearlong mental parasite was finally gone.

"Doctor! Doctor!"

The Doctor could hear Clara's strangled voice calling out to him and he felt soaring happiness his hearts that he had managed to get rid of his unwelcome passenger. He opened his eyes, straining as he sat up and sought out Clara.

Clara was trying desperately to sit up but she couldn't manage in her state and she was craning her neck to see him on the floor. Her face was drawn in intense worry; regeneration always worried humans so much and that was even without the shock of seeing a new face suddenly.

"Are you alright?" Clara asked, tears in her eyes, a hand reaching out toward him. The sight of it made his hearts swell and a tear to his eye; she still was concerned about him after what he had done to her. He swiped at the tear; must be the residual effects of the regeneration.

The Doctor reached out for her, his body aching and his clothes feeling slightly baggy on him; they didn't fit perfectly anymore. "I'm right here, Clara and I'm fine" the Doctor said, giving her a smile. "Mr. Clever is gone for good…..I promise he's dead and he's not coming back"

Clara squeezed his hand as strong as her weak body could manage. She didn't say anything and he took her silence as fear.

"I know I look different, but it's still me. Please don't be scared, Clara" the Doctor assured her. He knew humans didn't take to it well sometimes and he hoped Clara could forgive him for being different.

"But that's the thing" Clara began, her voice filled with emotion. "You're…..you're not different. Well, a little but not really"

Confusion filled the Doctor as he sought the mirror on the opposite wall. How could he not be different? Maybe Clara was delirious; he had had one regeneration where he hadn't change at all physically but that had been when he was in a good place and he hadn't want to change who he was. This time he had wanted to change, wanted to change completely.

But when he found the mirror, he could see that indeed Clara had been right; he hadn't changed much. When he looked in the mirror, it was mostly the same man looking back at him. Same goofy smile, same young face; his hair was mostly brown still but he was thrilled to see the highlights of a color that looked suspiciously like ginger. He wasn't ginger but he was getting there. His light eyes had changed to a deep brown, black almost and he was a bit shorter. Well, actually quite a bit shorter. He wasn't keen on being so short but against all the odds he was still mostly himself. Everything was going to be alright.

Feeling the excitement he used to have feel build inside of his chest, he turned around toward Clara and gave her a beaming smile. "How about some fish fingers and custard?"