A/N: Okay, friends. Who's ready for this? Not Jasper, I'll tell you that much. *holds your hand*

Jasper couldn't remember the last time he'd really slept. Since he'd written the letter to Bella telling her he was coming home two and a half weeks ago, he'd slept fitfully at best and last night not at all.

Alice had been an angel about everything, as usual. She'd stayed on the phone with him for three hours, letting him ramble-god, he hadn't made even a little bit of sense at first-talking him off a ledge.

His body still remembered the sweet relief using would bring. Relief from this debilitating guilt, the overwhelming sensation that he'd done too much wrong. There was too much that needed to be fixed, and dammit, how did people deal with this kind of stress without wishing it all away?

When the first light of dawn started to creep across the sky, he got up and went for a run. He ran until his lungs felt raw and his muscles screamed. He ran until his stomach churned, and he very nearly lost whatever bile had accumulated in his empty stomach. He jogged back to his parents' house at a slower pace.

Once he was back, he showered. He turned the water up to scalding in an attempt to burn away the feeling that had settled on his skin. Filthy. He was filthy with it, and it was too much. It was as though he was carrying everyone's emotions in his head, in his heart-each of them a separate weight on his chest. Edward's fury. Emmett's wariness. His parents' sadness and disappointment.

He showered until the water ran cold.

When he was dressed again, he wandered into the kitchen and cleaned every dish in the sink by hand. Exhausted, he sank down in a chair at the table and laid his head in his arms, breathing in the scent of his own clean skin and trying not to think.

In therapy, he'd been taught many coping mechanisms. One of the first tenets of addiction was to acknowledge cravings were normal. They were part of the reality of being an addict. He knew they would pass if he could only breathe through it. And that was part of the problem here. One of the best ways to stop craving was to run away-remove himself from the triggering situation.

This whole house, his family, they were one big trigger.

Jasper stretched one hand out and flexed his fist. He was trembling. Shaking with need. His throat was closing and the vice grip around his lungs tightening. Unbearable. There was no way he could get through this without-

A creak from upstairs made Jasper gasp. He was disoriented briefly until he remembered where he was. He straightened up, trying to steady his breath. He rubbed his temples, trying to ease the tension there. By the time the footsteps fell on the stairs, he was still shaking, but at least he wasn't hyperventilating.

Carlisle's sigh of relief drew his attention. "Oh, good. You're here."

Jasper raised his head. "Did you expect me not to be?"

His stepfather's face said it all, and Jasper put his head back down on the table. "I guess that's a really stupid question."

"You weren't in your room…"

"I get it."

"It's just if your mother has to lose you-"

"I said I get it."

With his cheek resting against the tabletop, Jasper couldn't see Carlisle. He heard him step closer and heard the scrape of the chair against wood flooring when he pulled out the seat across from him.

"Are you okay, son?"

Jasper laughed. The sound was vaguely maniacal.

"I meant to say you're shaking," Carlisle said, ever patient. "And you're very pale."

Jasper straightened up again though he still didn't look at his stepfather. "Craving. It'll pass." He took a deep breath and hurried on before he could think about what a big lie that was. "Are you sure it wouldn't be better for everyone if I just disappeared?"

Carlisle was silent for a full five seconds. "Are you asking me that seriously?"

"No. Yes." Jasper flexed his fists in quick, sporadic motions. "I know it wouldn't be good for Mom, but Kaylee…" His breath cut off in a huff at his daughter's name.

His daughter. He had a three-year-old daughter.

There was the scraping sound again, and when Jasper glanced up, he saw that Carlisle was rummaging through the junk drawer. He walked back to the table and pressed something squishy into Jasper's hand.

A stress doll. Jasper squeezed it, watching the eyes bulge out.

"It wouldn't be good for me either," Carlisle said, his tone soft.

"What?"

"If you disappeared again. It wouldn't be good for me. It would hurt me a lot. It did hurt me a lot."

Jasper stared down at the doll. Squeeze, bulge. Squeeze, bulge.

"I've never thought of you as my stepson, Jasper. I still don't. As far as I'm concerned, I have three sons."

Once, back in the clinic he'd lived at for several weeks, Jasper had come back to his room to find his roommate sobbing. Peter was the tough-as-nails type. He thought to show emotion was to show weakness, yet there he was, crying like a baby.

"My girl, man. Charlotte. Jesus God, I did such fucked up shit to her. She said today she still loves me and…" His breath hitched. "And she forgave me. She forgave me. Why? I'm a piece of shit, man. Why would she do that?" He punched at his mattress. "And why does it hurt? It hurts."

Jasper's eyes stung, and his throat closed with a very different kind of emotion. It hurt. It was a pain deep in his chest.

Love was physically painful to those who didn't think they deserved it.

"I, um…" Jasper's voice was thin with tears he didn't want to shed. He sniffed hard and squeezed the hell out of the stress doll. "Kaylee… I mean, Edward and Bella… She has a mommy and daddy, you know? Me being here… doesn't it just fuck everything up for her? Wouldn't it be better for her if I didn't exist?"

"But you do exist. That can't be undone." Carlisle tilted his head, and Jasper wondered how he could talk about this so rationally. "What did you think was going to happen if you never came back? What do you think is going to happen if you run off again? Do you think Kaylee would never know about you? You're still Edward and Emmett's brother, my and Esme's son. You exist, Jasper. Even if you weren't here to explain it all to her one day, you'd still exist."

"Yeah." Squeeze, bulge. Squeeze bulge. "I know. I know that." Leaving the first time had been cowardice. He could try to justify leaving again all he wanted, make it sound as altruistic as he could, and it would still be cowardice made worse by the fact he tried to come home at all. He took a deep breath and forced himself to look Carlisle in the eyes. "I'm not going to leave again. You have my word. I know that's probably next to worthless, but it's all I have."

Carlisle offered his hand. "I'll take it."

Jasper blinked at him, too shocked to move at first. He stared at his hand, not quite able to make his brain connect the dots. Slowly, he put his hand in Carlisle's, and they shook.

"I'm holding you to that," Carlisle said.

Jasper allowed himself one small smile. "Yes, sir."

"Good. Let's talk about your long term plans then."

~0~

Edward called Carlisle mid-morning to ask if he and Bella could come over that afternoon. That left Jasper three hours to wear a hole in his mother's carpet as he paced the length of the living room. Esme tried several times to get him to eat, but he couldn't.

"Starting over isn't supposed to be easy," Alice had told him the night before.

When Edward and Bella pulled up, Esme and Carlisle had to leave. That was the deal Edward made. He and Bella would talk if Esme and Carlisle took Kaylee somewhere far away from Jasper. Not that Jasper could blame them.

Esme kissed his cheek and hugged him tightly. She looked like she wanted to say something, but there was nothing to be said. None of them knew what their near future looked like, and that was Jasper's fault. He knew the position he was putting his parents in. They loved and supported their sons unconditionally. Who were they supposed to support when one son wanted the exact opposite of the other?

"We love you," Esme said.

Weak as it was, Jasper smiled. "I know, Mom."

He hugged his mother one more time, and when Carlisle clasped his shoulder in a show of silent support, he hugged him, too. His parents both looked apologetic as they slipped out the door, closing it and leaving Jasper behind.

Jasper tried to make himself go wait by the couch, but in the end, he stepped over to the window. He crooked one finger around the curtain and pulled it back, sneaking a peek at the scene in the driveway.

His eyes found Edward first. He was standing with his arms crossed over his chest, his posture protective. Jasper wanted to feel proud of his little brother. He was a grown man with a family. Good job too, Carlisle had told him the night before. Right after graduation. They were paying for him to get his Master's, so he was juggling work, school, and being a daddy.

If anyone could excel at all of it, it was Edward.

Of course, Jasper would have recognized the small form beside him anywhere. Bella too had changed. She was doing well on her own. With Edward and his family to help with Kaylee, she'd finished school. Her job was decent enough and the house she and Edward lived in was hers free and clear - the only gift her father could give her.

She'd been twenty when Jasper took off. At twenty-three, she still looked painfully young. What in the hell had he thought he was doing being with her in the first place? He'd known she was good and pure when they met. She reminded him so much of his mother, only she didn't look at him with guilt in her eyes the way Esme did. Yet she had her own darkness. Alone in the world at eighteen with an absentee mother and a dead, alcoholic father. He'd liked that he could make her happy.

What happiness he gave her was fleeting.

Jasper saw the way she angled her body toward Edward and he toward her. As they talked to Carlisle and Esme, she touched Edward's arm and instantly some of the tension eased from his frame. He spared her a glance, a small smile, and took her hand.

Tense as they obviously were about meeting with him, Jasper could see they were happy. He squeezed his hands at his sides and gritted his teeth. He closed his eyes and breathed in deep. He knew he had no right to the anger that was bubbling up in his gut, but he was only human.

He'd always known his little brother had a thing for his girlfriend. Back then it had amused him. His baby brother with a schoolboy crush. Jasper hadn't been concerned. He was cocky enough back then he didn't stop to think he wasn't the better brother. He hadn't stopped to think Edward and Bella had much more in common. They were the same age, cared about the same things. When they were together, Edward didn't have to try to make her smile. He still remembered how they would talk for hours. It was cute, he'd thought.

But then, when he kept screwing up, Jasper started to get the feeling Edward thought he was better than him. He didn't make a secret that he thought Bella was too good for Jasper. He'd been right, but that didn't do anything to soothe Jasper's wounded ego.

When he came back home, he'd come knowing he couldn't have Bella back. He'd hoped she'd found a decent man who was good to her.

Why did it have to be his little brother?

Jasper swallowed down the thick lump in his throat reminding himself that Edward was like Bella. He was good, pure. He was everything she deserved, and human though it was, his indignation wasn't about anything tangible. Nothing had been stolen from him.

When he opened his eyes, Bella was leaning in the backseat of her car. Jasper caught a glimpse of small arms and blond hair. His breath left his body, and he had to spread his hand against the wall. He couldn't really see her, but the baby, his baby, was right there. Alive. Real.

Bella pulled back and Edward took her place. Jasper's heart twisted.

Not his baby.

He backed away from the window and waited.

It was only a few moments after he heard the car rev and back down the driveway that the front door opened.

They stared at each other for long enough Jasper thought he would go insane waiting for either one of them to speak or do something, but he'd sworn to himself he would let her react first.

He knew she was upset. Stiff posture, the hand she didn't have joined with Edward's twisting in her long shirt. But mostly, it was the tears in her eyes. He still knew enough about Bella to remember she cried when she was furious, and it rolled off her in waves then.

But after a long, tense minute, Bella sucked in a breath. "What happened to your face?" Her tone was clipped.

Jasper huffed, barely covering a shocked laugh. He'd imagined this reunion countless times, but he'd never imagined she'd start there. "I, um… Rock bottom."

"Rock bottom?"

"Yeah. I woke up in a hospital a little over a year ago with this." He gestured to the scars, a trio of them, on his face. "And, uh…" He pulled his shirt up to show the ugly scar at his side.

Even Edward gasped. Jasper looked up at his brother. "You almost got your wish."

Edward's cheek twitched. "I'm not going to apologize for what I said."

"I didn't ask you to." Jasper took a shaky breath, brushing off the sting of his brother's cruel words. He still got to ache, he thought, but now wasn't the time to acknowledge his own pain.

"What happened?" Bella asked.

Jasper looked down to his feet. He walked the few steps to the couch and dropped down on one end. "I wish I knew. I mean… I guess I know." He pulled his sleeves up to show a scattering of other scars. "I was… At that point I was living on the street, mostly." He wondered where Carlisle's stress doll had gotten to. He stared straight forward and dug his fingernails into his palm. "There were a lot of fights. I don't know. It made sense at the time, I guess. I don't remember the ones that almost killed me, but..." He shrugged.

"That's what it took for you to get clean? Almost dying?"

There was more to it than that. Even waking up half-dead in the hospital, Jasper counted the days until he could get back out there. What did he have to live for, after all? He cleared his throat. "Yeah."

He heard soft footfalls and he jumped when a thin album landed on the coffee table in front of him. He didn't look up. Small though she was in stature, for as low as he felt, Bella's presence standing over him was almost unbearably intimidating. It was enough to set his hands to shaking. He had the worst feeling he knew exactly what was in this album. He reached out to turn the first page.

Even though he'd been half expecting it, nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. A tiny baby, not pleasingly chubby or, at least, filled out like any newborn he'd ever seen. No. This baby was thin and scrawny. Her skin was the same paper thin quality of an old person's hand. Most heartbreakingly of all, she was covered, covered, in tubes and wires. She even had some kind of skull cap keeping a grotesque looking breathing tube in place.

Jasper's throat constricted. He put a hand to his mouth and pressed hard, as though he could contain the crushing emotion that rolled over him then. His heart pounded hard in his ears. He ran trembling fingertips over the still image, wishing with everything in him he could take that baby girl and make her better by will alone.

Off to his side, Bella took a shaky breath. "I need you to understand exactly what you walked away from. What you left me to deal with. And I need… I need to understand why she wasn't enough. Why was this not your rock bottom? If it had just been me, I get that, but why her? Why wasn't she a good enough reason to get clean?"

"She was. You were. You were both worth it. I just…" Jasper couldn't continue. He bowed his head and squeezed his eyes tightly shut as tears overwhelmed him.

"No. You don't get to do that." Edward's words came out as a snarl. He shoved Jasper's shoulder. "You don't get to sit here all pathetic and pretend you're sorry."

Jasper stared at his brother. "I am sorry. I'm more sorry than I'll ever be able to say."

"Clearly. So sorry you're back here looking for sympathy, looking for-"

"I came back here to say I was sorry, to face what I did. To explain. To-"

"To what? Make amends?" The derision in his little brother's voice made Jasper clench his jaw. "This isn't a Lifetime movie special. There are no amends for this, and I think you know that. What do you really want here?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You think I buy this altruistic, kick-my-ass-if-you-want-to bullshit?" Edward shook his head, his eyes on fire now. "You're doing this for the same reason you've always done anything - for you. So what is it you want? You think if you say you're sorry, tell us some sad story about how it wasn't you, it was the addiction, you'll get to pick up where you left off with Bella and the baby?"

"That doesn't even make sense. I didn't know, okay? I came back here because I wanted my parents back. I wanted to be a son and a brother again. I didn't know you and Bella had…"

"So sorry to throw a wrench in your plans. I suppose it would be a lot more convenient if Bella and Kaylee weren't here."

"I-"

"Okay!" Bella got between them, holding a palm out to each of them. "Edward, sit down."

"Bella-"

"Sit."

He huffed, but he sat. In another setting, it would have been hilarious. In another life, he might have teased his brother. In this reality, he glanced around for the damn stress doll because he was frustrated as all hell and heartbroken besides.

Bella sat next to Edward on the loveseat, her hand on his knee. "Jasper, I want to listen to you. I really do. But right now, there's only one thing I want to know. I need to know before I can listen to anything."

"What's that?"

"What are your intentions toward Kaylee?"

Jasper scrubbed a hand over his aching eyes. "Ah, hell. I don't know. What I was trying to say earlier was I didn't realize when I came back there'd be any reason for you to see me." He wrung his hands. "I didn't think she survived; how could I have figured you'd married my brother? I just didn't know you'd have to… deal with me."

"What are you saying?"

"I don't know." He breathed in and out slowly. "I know I'm not fit to be anyone's father if that's what you're asking." He squeezed his fingers so tight it hurt. "I know I don't deserve to be her father."

"You aren't her father," Edward said through gritted teeth.

Jasper winced. "Yeah. But that being said, I'm also not going anywhere."

Edward scoffed. "Right."

Jasper spread his hands wide. "I'm here to stay. There's a lot I have to figure out, but I'm not leaving again. Not ever. Not like that. So I guess that means we're going to have to figure out how to deal with each other."

The room fell silent at that. Jasper could only deal with the quiet for a few seconds before he hurried on. "As far as Kaylee, I'll play by your rules. I...I want to meet her. I want to know her."

More silence. He could tell they didn't like it, but they weren't arguing either. Under the circumstances, he'd take it.

He had so many questions. He wanted to ask Bella about her leg. He wanted to know about her life and Kaylee's and everything he'd missed. He wanted to know if she thought she would ever be able to get to a place where she could forgive him. None of his questions were fair right then, and so he kept his mouth shut when Bella said she needed time to think.

"Dinner. After work. We'll come for dinner," she said.

Jasper bit his tongue to keep from asking if she would bring Kaylee. He would find out. "Yeah. Whatever. Whenever you need."

He sat still, watching them as they got up. A few seconds after they left, he realized they'd forgotten the album of Kaylee's first pictures. He debated only a moment before he darted after them.

"Give it back to me at dinner," Bella said, and the look in her eyes was clear. She wanted him to know beyond a shadow of a doubt what he left her to face alone. Sick as the idea made him, he understood. That was what this part was all about-truly understanding what he'd done and how it made his loved ones feel.

"Bella." She turned to him, and Jasper swallowed hard. "Kaylee… Did she… After all that, is she okay now?"

Bella gave him a small, sad smile. "She's just fine. A touch of asthma."

Jasper could have sagged to the ground he was so relieved. "Good. That's good."

Edward tugged her hand then, and Bella let him pull her away. When Jasper waved as they backed down the drive, his little brother studiously ignored him.

A/N: Many thanks to barburella, jfka06, and jessypt for always thoughtful conversations. Oh, my docs are a lovely place. I love a good discussion.

Send good thoughts in songster's direction for me, yeah? Much love.

Okay. So. How are we all doing? Thoughts? Fears? Jasper check?