A/N: FAQ- Are we gonna see more E/B stuff?

A- Of course. Next chapter should be another flashback chapter.

Oh, and someone asked about what Rosalie said about her not being able to have kids. To be clear, she was unable to carry her children herself and so her and Emmett's babies, while biologically theirs, were carried by a surrogate.

Dawn hadn't yet broken when Jasper eased open the door of his parents' house, returning from his shift at the gas station. He had a brief flash of memory as he stood in the foyer.

In his late teens and early twenties...hell, right up into his late twenties, he remembered crawling back home at all hours of the night. As long as Jasper remembered, he lived a semi-nomadic life. First Charles had moved them around, then he spent his time being shipped back and forth between Charles and his mother. Then, when he was old enough to rebel, it was an endless stream of guest bedrooms, friends' couches, and yes, his bedroom in his parents' home.

Always when he walked in the door before, Jasper was hit with a sense of longing. He didn't know that he had ever considered this house his home. He didn't know that he had a home. Emmett, when he lived there, belonged to this house. Edward most definitely belonged here with his mother and father. But Jasper? There was always this sense that he didn't belong, didn't quite fit in. Whenever he came back to stay, for a night or a week or a month, there was that one moment when he walked in the door when he thought maybe this time I'll stay for good.

He never had before. That longing to stay, to belong, was always overpowered by the call of oblivion. Such was the life of an addict. Addiction wasn't a choice; it was a redefinition of normal.

When he was in the clinic, one of the days when a patient brought one of their family members to group to be confronted, one of his friends, Lucy, had been front and center with her teenage daughter Nettie.

"It's like… air. You know, it's like… when you can't have it, it's the same thing as not being able to breathe. Like your lungs are too small and you can't fill them. It starts to hurt, and you start to think you just can't take it. Like you're gonna die without it. And you can't think of nothing else. You can't concentrate at all. How could you concentrate when you can't breathe? Could you think of paying bills, or work if you couldn't breathe? Could you think-"

"Of your daughter." Nettie spat the words. "Yeah, Mom. I get it. The drugs were more important to you."

Lucy looked down, but she shook her head. "Not more important. Never more important. Just….necessary. I'm trying to tell you how it feels. I ain't excusing what I done. It's just...you don't think the same. A mom who couldn't breathe couldn't take care of a kid either. Not until she could breathe again. Not until she wasn't dying."

"You weren't dying when you weren't having it. You were dying more when you did get your hit."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know that. In your mind you know that, but that's not what it feels like. It feels like someone's got their hands around your neck and they're squeezing the life out of you. That's the truth. That was what was real to me. It's not an excuse. It's not. I know that. But please. Please can't you understand? It's real to me. It's as real as this chair I'm sitting in. This building. This city."

Jasper shook his head, willing the memory to fade. He understood the desperation in Lucy's voice only too well now. How often in the last few weeks had he wanted to drop to his knees, beg his brothers or Bella or Rosalie or his parents to understand. They didn't have to forgive him. He didn't expect forgiveness, but couldn't they understand? If he'd been in his right mind, he never would have chosen this, to hurt any of them the way he had, but his reality was warped. It took time to build enough strength that he could remember what the real world was supposed to look like even when he couldn't see it with his own eyes.

His need to leave was synonymous with his drug use. He'd never brought drugs into this house. Deep at the center of his being, he'd always known no matter how much he ached to belong, he never could. He couldn't bring his warped reality into this home, into this loving family.

Now the call to leave wasn't nearly as loud as it had been once. It still shouted in his ear from time to time, but he was resolute that he would never answer it again. Still, though he had no need to leave, he wasn't any closer to belonging. He was on an island tantalizingly close to the mainland. He could see it, but he was separate, forever adrift. In his worst moments, he wondered what he was even trying to do here. There was never a time he'd truly belonged to this family. Maybe once, a long time ago when they'd first run from his father, he belonged to his mother, with his mother, but he had never been part of this larger family. There was nothing for him to return to.

His despair was further compounded by the fact he didn't know much about who he was. Drugs and an addict's mentality had been part of his personality for so long, he didn't know much about himself outside that context. He didn't know how to fit in with his parents and Emmett, all of whom were trying so hard to accept him, when he didn't know who he was supposed to be.

Making the shift from addict to recovering addict was akin to restarting his life. He was starting from the beginning with his job, his family, his self. Except he wasn't a newborn. He was thirty-one, and he was supposed to have his shit together by this point.

The noise of running water broke Jasper's downward spiral. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It took another minute or so before he could push up from the kitchen table where he'd sat. The weight on his shoulders seemed too heavy for him to move, but he did it anyway.

Maybe he had no idea where he fit in his new life or with his family, but he wasn't entirely useless. Carlisle started work at the hospital early, and since he was up and about around the time Jasper got home from the gas station, they'd developed a sort of routine. Jasper moved to the stove and started a kettle of tea. He sliced the lemons and retrieved the sugar pot from the counter and milk from the refrigerator.

By the time the kettle whistled, Carlisle was descending the stairs. He sat at the table, rubbing the last of sleep from his eyes as Jasper poured them both a cup of tea. "Thank you," Carlisle said. He began to pour sugar and milk into the cup. "How was your shift tonight?"

Jasper poured too much sugar into his tea and told Carlisle about his night.

This, he thought, was a start. He wasn't useless. He was working. He was as helpful as he could be with his parents. He enjoyed these early morning talks with his father. At noon, his mother would come home for lunch and he would enjoy a few quiet minutes with her. Emmett wanted to take him to a game - they'd enjoyed games together back in the day. He was going to have lunch with Laurent in a few days, hopefully gaining a friend who straddled his two worlds, his two selves. In another week and a day, he'd see his nephew again and meet his niece.

Progress was being made. It was an inch when he had thousands of miles to go, but it was progress. He could live with that.

Frankly, he didn't have another choice.

~0~

Jasper had Mondays and Wednesdays off. He woke on Wednesday just before noon, right before his mother came home from lunch. He had enough time to shower and make himself presentable.

He was glad he'd taken the extra time to be freshly shaven and clean. Esme didn't walk in the door alone. Bella walked in with her. Jasper's automatic reaction was to stand up straighter, like a soldier saluting his higher-ups. He hadn't seen or heard from either Edward or Bella in a week and a half. "Hey," he said, the picture of eloquence.

She looked green around the edges, and her arms were folded over her chest.

"Is, um…" Jasper struggled not to mimic her closed off body language. "Is everything okay?"

Bella huffed and fixed him with a hard look. "No. It's not. When I thought about you these last three years, it was almost unbearable. I was happy with Edward. I am happy with him, but always there was this part of me worried about you. I resent that, Jasper. I resent that you left us all to imagine what the hell happened to you."

Jasper stopped trying to resist crossing his arms. He shrank backward and sat heavily on the steps. Luckily, Bella didn't seem to want a response from him. She'd begun pacing, rambling as if she'd forgotten he was there at all.

"I wanted an answer. I wanted you to come home. I wanted to see you were safe. Not because I needed you, because I didn't, but I never hated you. I never wanted to see you dead or hurt. This… This is almost a be-careful-what-you-wish-for situation. I hoped and prayed you would come out of this okay. I never stopped hoping for that, but now you're here, and I don't know what to do." She wrung her hands, still not looking at him. "I'm never going to be ready for this."

"Ready for what?" The words came out strained. Jasper looked to his mother, but she was no help. Her face showed only concern, and she stood equidistant between both Jasper and Bella.

Bella stopped in her tracks. She closed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath before she turned to look at him. "I want to take you to meet Kaylee. Today. Right now. Before I change my mind."

Jasper's breath caught in his throat. He had to have heard wrong. But her expression and the way the color had drained from her face made him think he wasn't crazy.

"Rosalie was right," Bella continued, her voice shaky. "Kaylee knows it's her Grandpa's birthday this weekend. She's excited about it. It wouldn't be fair to either of them to keep her away because of you.

"But this happens on my terms."

"O- okay. Yeah. Anything."

"I want her to meet you because I don't want you to be a stranger at a family get-together. But you're not going to tell her anything besides your name." There was a threat to Bella's tone Jasper had never heard before. Her words weren't a request. She was demanding this of him.

Jasper swallowed hard and nodded. "Okay."

"You let her interact with you. If she doesn't touch you, you don't get to touch her. You get it?"

"Yes." Jasper could barely speak, his mouth was so dry. He licked his lips, more nervous than he'd ever been in his life. He could have thrown up, he was so scared and...

Excited. Hopeful.

They were dangerous emotions. He forced himself to look at Bella. "Does Edward know? Did he agree?"

Bella's face softened. "He knows. Of course he knows. You can't imagine how hard this decision was for both of us but Edward especially. He can't hold his temper yet, and he didn't want Kaylee to pick up on the fact he was upset. He's staying at work."

"Okay." Jasper clenched and relaxed his fists, trying to steady his breath. "Okay. I need just one second."

He stood on shaky legs and darted up the stairs. On his nightstand, beside the defunct birth certificate, was the small gift he'd purchased just a few days before. It wasn't much, just a colorful stuffed frog, but Esme had said Kaylee liked stuffed animals and he liked frogs. It was a start. A small token he'd purchased telling himself someday he would get to meet his daughter.

He wouldn't have dared dream it would be so soon. The last month and a half that he'd been home, he'd thought about her every day. The need to see her was almost unbearable. It was torture knowing she was so close, alive and thriving, yet barred from him. But now he wasn't ready. He was terrified she'd just know and would hate him on sight.

"Is this okay?" he asked, holding the toy out for Bella's inspection like he was the child needing parental approval. "I'm not trying to bribe her or anything. I didn't want to be completely empty handed."

Bella nodded. "It's fine."

The whole drive to Bella's house, Jasper couldn't sit still. He sat in the back seat, squirming and wiggling and generally trying not to have a heart attack. He didn't know if he was allowed to smile. He wanted to beam, but he was also scared out of his mind. If he and his mother were alone, he would have kept up a constant stream of what if's and maybe she would have had the right words to calm him. As it was, he stayed completely quiet, afraid Bella would change her mind and send him away again.

When they pulled into her driveway, Jasper broke into a cold sweat. He managed to get out of the car, but then he couldn't move. He stared at the house as if it was going to rear up and eat him any given moment.

Esme came around to his side of the car and took his hand. Jasper clung to his mother like he was a child instead of a full grown man and let her pull him forward.

Bella hadn't even put her key in the door before it came open. A man stood there, and Jasper had just enough time to recognize him as Kaylee's nanny, Jacob, before his eyes slid to the tiny girl he held in his arms.

Jasper stopped short, knocked instantly breathless at the sight of her. All the pictures, all the videos in the world couldn't compare to seeing his baby, his child with his own eyes. Her face lit up in a grin. "Mommy," she cried, pitching forward out of Jacob's arms. Bella caught her easily, and Kaylee flung her arms around her neck. "It's early, Mommy. You missed snack time, but maybe Jakey can make you something."

"Don't worry about me, little bird. I'm okay."

Jasper started when his view of Kaylee was obscured by a massive body. He blinked and gasped, realizing only then he hadn't taken a breath in a while. It took him another few seconds to realize he was being judged. Hard. He cleared his throat and offered his hand. "Jasper Whitlock."

Jacob looked at his hand as though it was dirty, but after an uncomfortable few seconds he took it. "Jacob Black."

As could be expected, Jacob squeezed Jasper's hand in the alpha-male grip of death. Jasper didn't try to outdo him, but he was careful not to react either. He knew a test when he saw one. The look on the other man's face was clear. He thought Jasper was scum, and if it was up to him, there was no way he was getting in this door.

After a moment, Jacob huffed and stepped back to Bella's side. He was like a watchdog, ready to jump in to protect his masters at a moment's notice.

"Mommy, did you bring a friend over to play?"

Jasper's heart skipped a beat. Kaylee was looking at him, her eyes curious but not at all wary. In fact, she was smiling. His smile. She looked so much like him, it was impossible for Jasper not to see it, to know at least in blood she was his. The piece of his heart, his soul, that she'd owned since the second he knew of her existence glowed bright and hot inside him. He sucked in a breath, choked by the enormity of the emotion that welled in him.

Bella sighed and kissed her forehead. "Yeah, baby, something like that. Let's go inside."

Again Esme had to tug Jasper's hand to get him to move. It was a surreal moment for him. He'd spent a lot of time in this house. He'd spent time with Bella, his head resting against her growing belly, telling his baby girl, this baby girl, all the things they would do together when she made her way out into the world.

Bella set Kaylee down in the living room, and the little girl ran straight to Jasper's feet. She craned her head, looking up at him, so completely fearless, Jasper was instantly charmed. "Hi hi! I'm Kaylee. Who are you?"

Jasper sunk down to his knees. His legs were too weak to hold him, and he wanted to be more on her level anyway. He had to swallow several times before he could speak. "My name's Jasper," he said, his voice a scratchy whisper.

She reached out and touched his scraggly hair. Self-conscious, Jasper wished he'd thought to get a haircut, but she only giggled. The sound made him want to smile. "Your hair is long."

"Yeah. Yeah, it is." He cleared his throat again. It was difficult to speak or even breathe around the lump. "I, umm… I have something for you. It's polite, you know, to bring something for the little lady of the house." His hand shook as he held the little frog he'd had in a death grip since he got out of the car.

Kaylee's eyes lit up. She snatched it from his hand and hugged it close to her. "Is it a boy or a girl froggy?" She studied it carefully. "I think it's a girl, but I can't tell."

"I, uh… I think you're right."

"What's her name?"

"Well, I'm not sure. We only just met, see."

Kaylee hummed and she put her lips to the frog's ear. "That's okay. We'll find you a good name." She petted the thing as though it were a dog and then she surprised the hell out of Jasper by throwing her arms around his neck, froggy and all. "Thanks."

Unsure of what he was doing, Jasper let his arms close around the tiny girl in a quick hug. "It… It's my pleasure, sugar."

All too soon she was backing out of his hug, onto the next thing. "Tha's funny. You called me sugar like my daddy. Do you know the sugar song too?"

"I can't say I do."

"That's okay. I can learn you it." She flopped down on the floor on her back. "It's like this." She began to sing in a child's warble, the words more spoken than melodic. "Sugar, sugar you're so sweet. All the sugar I could eat. I would even eat your feet. Rawr!" She made gobbling noises as she tried to pull her feet toward her mouth.

Jasper had to put a hand over his mouth. His eyes stung. He could almost see Edward leaning over her, his eyes proud and full of love like any good daddy's would be, singing a silly song to his daughter and pretending to eat her feet. Jasper took a shaky breath. He loved this little girl. The strength of the love he felt rocked him at the soul level. He loved her, but she called another man, his brother, Daddy.

Tears spilled over before he could stop them.

Kaylee's eyebrows knitted at the center as she looked up to him. She got to her feet, her little froggy secure in her arms and went to him. "Is you sad?"

Jasper wiped his sleeve across his eyes, sniffing hard. He put on a smile at the little girl. "No, I'm not sad, sugar."

She held her arms up, and Jasper knelt with one knee on the the ground, the other forming a seat which Kaylee climbed up on. She looked at him with concern and tilted her head up to press a wet smack of a kiss against his tear-streaked cheek. "My daddy kisses me like this when I cry. Don't be sad, Mister Man." She put one arm about his neck and pointed, froggy still in hand, at one of the scattered toys about. "You can play with my dolly, okay?"

"Thanks, Kaylee-girl." He ducked his head to bury his nose for a brief moment in her hair.

Bella stepped forward, reminding Jasper he wasn't alone. "Kaylee, why don't you go play with Jake? I need to talk to Jasper now." Her voice shook.

Kaylee frowned. "I want to play here."

"Kaylee, don't argue with me right now."

The little girl looked for a moment like she was going to start but Jacob swept in. He plucked Kaylee out of Jasper's arms and tossed her in the air so she giggled. "Come on, munchkin. How about I teach you a new game?"

Jasper watched them ascend the stairs, his chest hurting more with each beat of his aching heart. His eyes blurred, and he blinked tears away furiously because he could still see her. He didn't want to be robbed of one second. He would never get enough of seeing her there in front of him, living and breathing and smiling and sassy. But the second she was out of eyeshot, he slumped. It was all he could do to keep from breaking down.

He felt more than saw Bella come to stand in front of him. "She's so beautiful," he whispered. "She's amazing."

"Jasper… you can't." Bella's words were tight, strained, and Jasper was confused. Though he was shaking like a leaf he looked up at her, watching as fury and fear warred on her face. "You can't have her. She isn't yours. You have to understand, she-"

He held his hand up to stop her flow of words. He didn't think he could stand to hear them. "Please don't." He still couldn't find enough volume, and his words were barely a breath. "You don't… you don't have to say that."

"I do." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore, Jasper. I can't live wondering what you're going to do. Tell me now, because I can't take not knowing."

It was difficult to concentrate on Bella's words and what he should do. His head was a chaotic mess of up and down emotions. Joy, despair, pride, want. He didn't know where to settle. He stood on fawns legs and stared at Bella. She was never meant to be his; he knew that. But he'd cared for her, loved her, and they'd created a child together. Kaylee was his. He saw it in her face and felt it in his heart, and if things had gone another way, maybe he always would have had to share his daughter with Edward, but she would have been his. She was supposed to be his.

He took a deep breath and then another because the next words he was going to say were going to be the most difficult he would ever utter. It would kill him, but Bella deserved to hear him say it. When he spoke his tone was quiet, remarkably steady. "There is nothing, and I mean nothing, I want more in the world than to be able to say she's mine, but that's not fair. I know how unfair that is. She's so perfect, and I know I didn't have anything to do with that. You and Edward were here for her every minute, teaching her, loving her, while I was…" He swallowed hard and looked away for a moment. He didn't deserve his tears, and he wouldn't make Bella see them.

"I'm promising you right now, I will never fight you for her. I won't challenge the adoption. Ever. I know I'm not her father. I know. It's… It's more than I deserve, I know. I'd like… I'd like to be her uncle, but if you don't want me to be even that, I'll understand. It's up to you. It's completely up to you."

He walked away then. He had to. He had no more strength left. There was a weight on his shoulders and his knees were about to give out. When they did, he would be crushed flat. He felt it coming, and he didn't want Bella to have to deal with it. He went to the car, got in the passenger seat, and rested his forehead against the cold glass with his eyes closed.

Only a minute or so later, Esme got in the car. She was sniffling, but she didn't try to talk, and for that Jasper was grateful. His throat was too tight to speak, his lungs too tight to breathe. Tears burned, but he wouldn't allow them to overflow. Not yet. Not yet. For the too-short car-ride back to his parents' house, Jasper tried to keep his mind blank. He wouldn't be able to keep it up for long. His every damning thought was held behind a dam made of sticks, straining and cracking.

When they parked, Jasper trudged up the walk without looking back at his mother. He got as far as the foyer and couldn't move any further. That same sense of longing hit him, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. He fell to his knees, his hands over his eyes, his shoulders shaking though he wasn't crying yet. Not yet.

His mother's soft touch only added to the intense pain. He hurt. He just hurt. It was an excruciating pain, and he didn't understand how his heart kept beating through it. His lungs burned. The air might as well have been lead. When Esme put her arms around him, he fell against her, letting her hold him.

"I'm so stupid, Mom. I'm so, so stupid."

She said nothing, but she rocked him, her fingers gentle in his hair.

His breath hitched and he babbled, the words nonsensical to his own ears. "How am I going to do this? How? I want her. I want her so much. I want to hold her and watch her grow. I want it all back, Mom. I want it back. All the years I missed. I want every day back.

"One day I'm going to have to look her in the eyes and tell her she could have been mine, but I was too stupid."

His voice cracked and he couldn't hold the tears back any longer. He broke down and cried inconsolably in his mother's arms.

A/N: Um. Hi!

Many thanks to my beautiful girls, barburella, jfka06, songster, and jessypt.

How we doing out there?