7: Reminiscence

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"You've really gone and made a mess of yourself this time Commander." The Doctor grumbled, pulling at Shepard's arm for the seventh time in the space of five minutes in an attempt to keep her in place. "And you're not exactly making this any easier."

"You try sitting still while someone's poking around at your wounds, Karin."

"Oh hush. I wonder what people would say if they could see what a big baby their Commander really is.

"I'd just shoot them. Leave no witnesses I always say."

"Then I suppose I should count myself lucky that you need me to fix you up every time you go and get yourself injured shouldn't I?"

"You have no idea." Shepard smirked fondly, feeling a great deal less troubled than she had back on Horizon. The Normandy was her calm amid the storm in many ways, which she could admit was a rather silly, considering the trouble they always seemed to be plummeting headfirst towards. It didn't change the fact that it hadn't felt like she was able to breathe until the elevator doors had opened up and paved the way for slumping onto her bed with a heavy sigh.

Lying on her back, staring at the stars; it felt like home. And home comforted her.

She was still angry however. There was no escaping the fury she felt when thinking about the fact that Alex could have died back on Horizon, or the stinging betrayal she felt when she went over her conversation with Ashley in her head. It was the same fury and stinging that had urged her first actions once she rose from her bed to be throwing the picture of her erstwhile lover from her desk.

A few calming breaths later, she had picked it up again and placed it face down on the table. It felt like the end of something. It had never really hit her before; the loss. She had in truth been trying to avoid seeing the other woman for as long as she could, because until that moment she had been able to pretend. Pretend like it wasn't over, like their time apart had all been a dream, and she'd see her again soon regardless.

But flipping that picture was the end; a closure that settled grimly in her stomach until a blanketing of numb indifference had washed it away. It was in that moment, in a strange way that she realised she felt almost better for it. The false hope had been strangling her slowly since first waking from the Lazarus project. Now she was free.

Though there was still a dull ache resonating in the roundabout region of her chest, the searing in her skull from the open cut on her head had swallowed it whole.

So upon seating herself in the med bay, with the bleeding from her head having slowed slightly, her head felt a little clearer than it had in what felt like a long time.

"I suppose I'll just sit here and talk to myself for all the good it does me." Chakwas muttered, an inquisitive brow raised at the redhead for good measure, snapping Shepard from her reverie.

"Huh? What was that?"

The Doctor just laughed briefly, shaking her head with a small smile.

"I said, why didn't you use any medi-gel? You're lucky this wasn't a lot worse."

"Wow, why didn't I just use some medi-gel? That's genius! How come I never thought of that?" Shepard mocked.

"Careful Shepard, you're not too old for a good scolding from your elders you know."

"Yes mother." She grinned wryly. "And as to your previous question, we ran out. Garrus kept getting knocked on his scaly ass. I think all that time he spends calibrating has made him forget how to shoot a gun."

"No doubt" the woman smiled laughingly, finally pulling away from Shepard's face with a sigh. "Well I've done all I can, but you're definitely going to have a rather handsome scar there."

Victoria rolled her eyes, wondering how she'd managed to mar herself so quickly after having the scars and burns from her previous life taken away. Climbing from her seat, she took the mirror Chakwas offered her and examined the damage.

"Great." She muttered dryly, fingering the arcing slash that decorated her face from brow to cheek, intersected by a second smaller, thin gash that cut across her cheekbone forming an upside down cross of sorts. She raised a now slightly segmented eyebrow, watching as the cut moved with it and rolled her eyes at the first of what she was sure would be many in a new collection of war wounds.

"If it helps at all, you make it almost look quite becoming."

"Gee thanks. Almost becoming is just what I've always strove to be." She laughed, waving a hand at the older woman as she made to leave. "See ya Doc."

"Not too soon I hope" Chakwas replied, forcing another laugh from the redhead as the doors closed behind her.

She didn't make it far however before her somewhat good mood was soured by the guilty looking blonde that stood before her, clearly having been waiting outside the med bay for her exit. She nervously fiddled with her hands, seemingly trying her best not crumble under the cold, scrutinising green eyes that bore into her own grey ones.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone down there. I know."

"Yet you did. What the hell where you thinking? What was Miranda thinking?" Shepard's voice was passionately furious, her eyes flashing almost red for a moment, making Alex cower slightly before the taller woman.

"It wasn't Miranda's fault. I made her take me."

"No-one makes Miranda do anything. She's a grown woman who makes her own decisions and I trusted her to make the right ones."

Alex looked slightly shocked by the professional respect the redhead clearly had for the Cerberus woman. Shepard supposed it was a little strange considering their obvious distaste for one another in every other aspect of their relationship.

"She didn't want to take me; I just annoyed her until she would. I needed to see what was down there Tori! I needed to know! And besides, I'm fine. Nothing happened. In fact I even-"

"You could have been killed Alex!"

"But I wasn't…" Alex returned to fiddling with her thumbs, her sheepish expression deepening as she stared at the floor.

"Well that makes it okay then. Really Alex, what the hell was going through your head? You're not even close to being ready for hostile engagement!"

"I just… I needed to see if I was really crazy."

Victoria's rage seemed to lessen somewhat, confusion contorting her expression.

"What?"

"I needed to see for myself: another world Tori. I needed to really be on it, to know that, we really are light-years away from home or whatever. I know that sounds stupid. But how could I pass up that opportunity?"

Shepard softened, shoulders slumping in defeat before wrapping her arms around her troubled friend with a sigh. She briefly wondered if Alex's then melancholy face was the same one that Miranda had had to contend with and sympathised slightly. How could anyone with even a shred of humanity deny that face?

She had however been questioning the Cerberus woman's humanity for some time.

"Don't ever think of doing something like that again okay?"

Alex nodded, pulling away from the hug with a small smile and motioning to cross her heart. Shepard just rolled her eyes, glad that they the blonde had seemed to have let go of her anger in regard to what she remembered about their past on Earth, though the elder woman had no doubt that they would have to talk about it at some point.

Before that however, there was no doubt a raven haired Cerberus Operative awaiting her arrival with no small amount of trepidation.

Though her rage had in fact cooled somewhat, the redhead could feel it still bubbling under the surface of her calm exterior the closer she got to Miranda's office. It had gotten to the point where she was sure that just thinking about the other woman could set her off.

"Lawson."

The woman in question raised her head in an instant as the doors to her room slid open. For once, she hadn't been stooped over her terminal, typing furiously with the keen look of professionalism Shepard had come to expect upon entering her XO's cabin. Nor was she studying its screen with the small crease between her brow that always seemed to appear when she was thinking and no doubt overthinking something to death. Victoria cared little to take note of when exactly she had begun to catalogue every single one of the other woman's idiosyncrasies and instead glossed over the thought as quickly as it occurred to her.

Instead, she watched with surprise as Miranda paused what seemed to have been something akin to a worried pacing to cross her arms beneath her chest. The movement would have made it slightly difficult for the redhead to focus on the brunette's face had it not been for the barely covered anxiety she found there that instantly stopped her in her tracks.

Any of the anger that had remained in the Commander seemed to dissipate without warning, so fast that it shocked her.

Once again she was confronted with the annoying urge to comfort the woman she hated. Victoria almost worried that this would become a common occurrence, what with the consoling hand she'd placed on Miranda's shoulder on Korlus and her soothing approach in the comm room earlier in the week. She didn't quite know what it was that kept overcoming her every time her XO wore the hurt and troubled expression that she was wearing at that moment, but it wasn't good.

She reasoned that perhaps in a strange and twisted way, she felt that only she was allowed to make Miranda miserable, because whenever anyone else did it, she was overwhelmed by the fervent need to protect her.

So there she was, protecting. And feeling rather confused about it.

"You don't have to worry that much Lawson. I had planned on ripping you a new one but Alex talked me out of it. She seemed to almost like you."

It was partly true at least. Alex had calmed her some, but she had still very much intended on launching into a vicious tirade at the other woman until around ten seconds previous.

"She is crazy." Miranda replied drolly, but seemed to relax very little.

Shepard studied her quizzically.

"Yeah, if we needed any proof, there it is."

Humming briefly in agreement, Miranda scratched at her collarbone nervously, placing her other hand on her hip, meeting Shepard's eyes properly for the first time since their conversation had begun.

The Cerberus woman's expression seemed strangely familiar to the Commander, who's brows furrowed in thought as she attempted to place it.

"Are you okay, Miranda?"

"I could ask the same of you." She took a few steps forward, raising a hand to tilt Victoria's wounded cheek towards her, brushing the side of her face gently with her fingertips. "That's going to scar nicely."

"So I've heard. Sorry to make a mess of your fine work."

Miranda hummed again, mind obviously elsewhere as she backed off away, resting against her desk with the crease between her brows that Shepard had wondered about before making an appearance. She looked more uneasy than the redhead had ever seen her and it bothered her more than she would admit.

Things were so much clearer when they were angry, sniping at each other hatefully. Shepard was unsure what to do with the concern she was feeling in its place.

"Really Miranda, you don't have to be so hard on yourself. You fucked up, sure. You shouldn't have taken her down there and you know it. But everyone makes mistakes. And your team did save my life so… I guess we're even."

Miranda didn't look at all appeased.

"…And that's not what this is about is it?" Victoria queried.

"Not exactly."

There was a long pause.

"Shepard I… I find myself in the… unpleasant position of asking for your help. I don't like discussing personal matters but, this is important." She paused again, clearly struggling.. "I know we haven't really talked much since we've begun working together, but, well-"

"Is this about your father?"

Miranda raised her brows, clearly surprised.

"You're wearing the same expression as when you first told me about him." Shepard explained.

"But that was… I just mentioned him in passing…"

"I have a good memory."

"…Six years ago." Miranda finished, regarding her superior with disbelief.

"I have a really good memory. Besides, you're not exactly the kind of woman someone forgets... Laura."

Smirking, Miranda couldn't stop the roll of her eyes at the sound of her pseudonym from so long ago. One date, years ago and somehow the other woman had failed to forget a single thing she'd been told.

In truth, the raven haired woman had done her absolute best to wipe the entire night from her memory and pretend it had never happened, and up until that moment, Shepard had seemed to have attempted to do the same. Aside from their first meeting following Shepard's revival - at which point Miranda had icily corrected the redhead about her name -they had never spoken of it again.

She supposed if she was honest, she'd been even colder towards the Commander than she usually would have been, in an attempt to make it clear that professionalism was all that would be between them, regardless of any intentions they'd had in the past.

It had been a mistake on her part she conceded, leading to the particularly frosty relations they had endured so far in their mission.

"I can't quite tell if that was supposed to be a compliment or an insult."

"Obviously it was both." Shepard's small grin made it clear that there was no venom in her intent.

The two women smiled at each other, in what felt like one of the most surreal and momentous occasions of their entire operation so far: Miranda Lawson and Victoria Shepard actually getting along without descending into a chaotic fiery argument.

There was clearly, no doubt, a first time for everything.

Neither of them however were exactly willing to put bets on how long it would last.

"Anyway, you were partially right Commander. My father does have something to do with this. How much do you remember about what I told you?"

"He was a controlling asshole who expected you to be perfect. Eventually you got sick of his bullshit and took off."

"Right." Miranda began, scratching at her collarbone again, as she was wont to do when worried. It was another of those quirks that Shepard had already mapped and catalogued in the back of her mind. "Well the part I left out is… I have a sister, a twin. And he's still hunting her. Cerberus has kept her safe… until now. She's living a normal life on Illium. Safe and hidden from my father."

"And you think he's managed to track her down?"

"Precisely Commander. My sources indicate he knows that she's on Illium. I've tried to keep her hidden without impacting her life but I'm out of options." She rested against her desk. "He's too close. I need to relocate my sister's family before it's too late and I know, it's a lot to-"

"We'll go right away."

Victoria regarded her with a look of utter sincerity and determination. Miranda found that she was continually being surprised by this woman.

"Oh… Thank you Shepard."

The Spectre just shrugged nonchalantly, as if it was nothing at all, a deadpan expression on her face.

"No problem. But you should probably stop smiling at me like that. People might start to think we actually don't hate each other's guts."

Miranda returned her straight face completely, her amusement only evident in the steely blue of her eyes.

"Of course Commander, we can't have that."

Giving a sharp and professional nod, Shepard turned on her heel and left, metal doors sliding shut behind her as she wondered how exactly she'd gone from intending to discipline her XO severely, to almost flirting with the woman in the space of five minutes. She was almost close to considering the possibility that she'd somehow been sucked into some kind of alternate universe, before realizing she'd likely been taking to Alex too much.

Regardless of the thought, she still somehow found herself making her way over to the med bay to seek an audience with the woman in question.

She wasn't particularly looking forward to it, but she knew they would need to talk about what had happened back on Earth at some point. Part of her hoped that having the chance to apologize for what she'd done would help to assuage the guilt she still held on to. Of course it could also make it ten times worse if the blonde couldn't forgive her.

And the more Alex remembered, the more Shepard feared that would turn out to be the case.

Earth had been brutal, and with family and friends dropping off one by one, all they'd had were each other, and the gang that had both saved and ruined them in every way possible. They were dependent on each other, and Alex had been almost as dependent on Shepard as she had been on the drugs that had slowly taken her away from herself, until even Victoria could barely recognize her anymore.

In a way, having Alex back there with her, on the Normandy, even with all the delusions and confusion, it was like having her old friend back; it was as if the person she'd been before everything had went to hell had risen from the dead the same way Shepard had.

She just didn't want to lose her now she'd gotten her back.

As the Commander drew closer to the med bay however, it became clear that the talk she'd wanted to have would have to be put on hold. She could see the even rise and fall of the blonde's chest through the window, and the peace on her face as she slept.

Victoria smiled. Beneath the sunken eyes and hollow cheeks - that had slowly began to fill out day by day – Alex looked most like her old self when her eyes were closed. Without the fearful confusion emanating from those grey irises, it was easy to see the innocence she'd once possessed. Losing her memory had almost brought that back for her.

Walking into the med bay, Chakwas greeted Shepard with a smile as the younger woman continued over to stand by Alex's bed.

"I think her little excursion on Horizon took a lot out of her Commander."

"I'll bet." Shepard chuckled briefly to herself, tucking an errant strand of dull blond hair behind her friend's ear. "She always loved her sleep."

"Well that certainly hasn't changed. She'd sleep the whole day away if I didn't wake her every morning."

"She also loved getting herself into trouble too. Another thing that obviously stayed pretty consistent."

The Doctor laughed. "I'd hazard a guess that you were just as bad Commander."

"Are you kidding me? I was worse."

"Of that I have no doubt."

A peaceful quiet enveloped the room as Chakwas returned to the work on her desk and Victoria continued to watch her friend for a moment longer before turning to leave. She had almost made it to the door before a horrified gasp from behind her caused her to spin back instantly.

Alex's eyes were still closed, but the peaceful expression from moments before had been replaced by pain. Her hands trembled noticeably, breathing erratic and audible, even from where Shepard was stood.

"Alex?"

The only reply was a muted mumbling with as much terror in its tone as was written on her face. Her shaking worsened, seeming to grow almost violent, clear tremors wracking her whole body until a piercing scream tore from her lips with deafening ferocity.

"Alex!"

XIXIXXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIXIX

"Alex!"

Tori's voice felt far off in the distance, muffled and annoying as the pitter-patter of footfalls slapping against the floor.

Both sounds however, were unfortunately rather persistent in cutting through the haze of peace and calm that had settled over her in her sleep.

"Alex!"

"What?" She grumbled irritably. Why are people always interrupting my damn naps?

She peeled her eyes open, blinking rapidly at the brightness that overcame suddenly overcame her senses. She seemed to have that problem every time she woke up lately, with the med bay lights shining on her incessantly.

Once her eyes had adjusted, she took in the two faces above her, staring worriedly down at her. Both Tori and Chakwas had unreadable expressions on their faces, confusing to the previously happily slumbering woman.

"What's the matter? Who died?" She rubbed at her eyes groggily.

"Don't joke like that asshole! You had me scared for a second there." Tori scolded her, punching her in the arm softly. Her smile was there, but it looked more strained that anything, with real fear barely concealed behind it.

"How are you feeling?" Chakwas asked, clearly as concerned as the redhead beside her.

"Well I was feeling fine until somebody interrupted my sleep."

Both women above her looked at each other nervously, exchanging a glance that seemed to say more than they were willing to out loud.

Alex pulled herself up onto her elbows, furrowing her brow at their odd behaviour.

"Okay really, what the hell is up with you two? What's going on?"

Tori placed a hand over shoulder, comforting her for a reason that had yet to be revealed. "Alex, you had some kind of fit. You don't remember?"

"No I didn't."

"Yeah, you did. You were totally fine one second and then the next? Bam! You were flat out shaking like crazy."

Looking to Chakwas for confirmation, Alex's brow furrowed even deeper as the Doctor nodded. The older woman then noted a few things down on the clipboard in her hand, before regarding her with a friendly expression.

"Hello Alex. My name is Doctor Chakwas. I'll just be-"

"Yeah I still remember your name. I know you guys make a lot of jokes and all that but my memory isn't that bad." She laughed, but the serious look she received in reply sobered her quite quickly.

"Alright seriously, what the hell is going on?"

She looked around nervously, taking in her surroundings properly for the first time since opening her eyes. The walls were the same blinding white as she'd expected, but the room was undoubtedly different to the one she'd fallen asleep in. A curtain had been drawn around her bed, but even the surface of the floor was a slightly different shade to the med bay's dull grating.

"Where the hell are we?"

"We're at the hospital. Look, everything's going to be okay."

"What do you mean we're at the hospital? What about the Normandy?" Without really noticing it, her heartbeat had been slowly creeping up in frequency second by second. She could almost hear it beating.

"Alex, you're not making any sense. God, I should have never made you go on that run. You've been a little out of it all week."

It was at that moment however, when Alex's heart almost faltered to a stop completely.

"Run?"

Tori looked at her as if she was crazy, brows pulled together in confusion. It was only then that Alex remembered the wound the other woman had picked up on Horizon that should have cut through one of those brows and adorned the left side of her face. As it was, her face was markedly bare but for the old scar on her cheek that had been missing on the Normandy.

"Yeah Alex, our run. We'd barely made it out of the damn house before some asshole started wolf whistling remember? Then you just, dropped. I freaked out Alex. I had no clue what the hell was the matter with you."

An awful silence hung in the air for a moment, as Tori's words sunk in.

Alex couldn't help the sudden hysterical laughter that erupted from her chest if for no other reason than it was the only thing she could possibly think to do. After all, she knew exactly what the matter was, and it was only then, sitting for the second time that week in an unfamiliar place with an all too familiar feeling of horror in her chest did it really become clear.

There was no doubting it anymore.

She was definitely, one hundred percent, certifiably insane.

AN: What's this? Another chapter before three months has passed? It cannot be!

On a serious note, thank you so much for everyone who's continued to read/follow and especially review this story. Your feedback means a lot and I love you all. Seriously.

So... Alex is crazy, Miranda and Shepard met once before the Lazarus Project and the Universe is about to implode... Well the last one is untrue, but Shepard and Miranda were sort of getting along, so anything is possible!

Hah let me know what you think.