The Decade

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Dear Enjolras,

Some nights I still wake up screaming, begging for mercy, begging for my father to please leave 'Zelma and Gav alone. The physical ache when I finally do wake up, covered in sweat and tangled in my bed sheets, is usually so strong that I think I'm back in that terrible house. That I am young again and if I call you, you will come pick me up and take me out for ice cream and promise that things will get better, eventually.

For a moment, I am glad, because that would mean that our fallout never happened. That would mean we are still best friends and I'm not just kidding myself when I write these letters to you, these letters that I never send. On those nights, when I wake up screaming, I think that these ten years are my nightmares, and that you are still just a moment away from where I am.

Those nights, I wake up with my hand on my phone, ready to call you. I go so far as to unconsciously type in your number. Although you have been deleted from my contacts long ago (so I would be less tempted to break our silence), I still remember what your number, it is permanently ingrained into my memory from all the times I would sneak of my horrible house and call you in the middle of the night, before you got me that ridiculous pink cell phone that made even Cosette moan in pain.

Your voice used to calm me down back then.

I bet it still would.

You must be happy though, you get to sleep the nights through, you no longer have to worry about me.

Since I am on the topic of my family, I might as well inform you on what is going on with Azelma, Gavroche and my two youngest brothers as well as my parents, but you probably already know what has become of my good-for-nothing parents. I still remember when our family was full of love.

Happiness.

I'll begin with Azelma because hers is the happiest story. She managed to get a very nice scholarship last year and although she will have to take out some hefty student loans, she still has a chance at a wonderful future. I try to help her all I can, but my part time job is nowhere near helpful and I've got my own loans to pay off. Her nineteenth birthday is coming up, I have no idea what to get for her. Every year she just gets harder and harder to shop for, constantly insisting that she neither needs or wants a single thing.

My two youngest siblings, whom you barely knew, have (thankfully) been adopted. I am not allowed to see them but I suppose that is just as well. They do not need to be reminded of their unpleasant past. I wish them every happiness, yet my heart bleeds when I think of them growing up without me there to see them.

Gavroche, your favorite one of my siblings, I believe, was put into the foster care system. He is (as you know) much too defiant (I do believe this is the kindest term I can use to describe my little brother) to ever get adopted into a permanent family, although it really does pain me to say this. That little rascal is often running away, showing up at my dorm or simply going missing for a few days. Soon enough, he will be eighteen and there will be nothing anyone can do about it, I suppose. He will be free to make his own decisions. Some days he goes to Courfeyrac's or Combeferre's but I barley ever see either of them. I almost never see a single member of Les Amis, although Jehan attends the same college as I do.

They were always more your friends than mine, even when you are gone.

The only exception to that rule is Marius, and we both know that it is only because he has his head in the clouds all day. However, I only ever see him on vacation for a few days. Nothing too long. Perhaps he is smarter than we give him credit for.

I am quite lonely, but I am also okay with that.

I love my siblings, Enjolras, believe me, I love them so much it hurts.

I miss them as much as I miss you.

Do you still have dreams to become a lawyer? Have you found someone who loves you as much as I do? Are you happy? In love? Depressed? Lonely? Do you miss me? Do you think of me? Do you know that I think of you? Have you reconciled with your parents?

These are things I often wonder about you, Enjolras. Sometimes I want to join those social media websites to see if I can find you, but I know you are as private as I am and will most likely not be on there.

It is a pity, for I miss your thoughts and opinions, the way that you make me laugh without fail. I miss your blue eyes and your curly blonde hair.

Oh, I almost forgot about my parents, silly me. You always did say that I got distracted easily. I suppose that is one thing that has never changed.

They are both in prison now, for attempting to rob the mayor's house, they were also committed for unlawful possession, attempted murder, assault of a police officer, as well as a whole assortment of other crimes. I did not follow their trial.

They finally got what was coming for them, I suppose.

Honestly, I am glad to be rid of them.

Eponine feels her heart constrict at the sight of Enjolras with that nameless girl. For a moment she hates her as much as she once hated Cosette, and then she grabs hold of her anger and she reels it back in. He was never hers to lose, she reasons, not anymore at least. He hadn't been for a while now, a little part of her whispers and she crushes it before she can think too much about it.

She feels stupid; pining over a man for years, and not just any man, a man now as forbidden to her as Marius had once been. Did she not think that his life would be put on hold? Did she think that he wouldn't move on? She never learns her lesson when it comes to men.

Eponine sucks in a breath and lets it out. In and out. She desperately wants to run past them, acting like she is just another faceless pedestrian running late, acting as if she has no recollection of who he is but she knows she won't.

She doesn't have any courage left to do this because she is afraid he will recognize her. As much as she wants that, she is also afraid of his response to seeing her again.

It's as if she was allotted a certain amount of courage when she was born and it all ran out that summer when everything went wrong. She wishes she had the backbone to ask Marius if Enjolras ever asked about her. Or at least asked about how he was doing, what he was doing. If he was happy. If he had found someone to love.

How many years would she have saved herself?

She never realized that she had this much hope still built up inside of her, pinned on Enjolras. Once again she is tempted to brush past him, perhaps she can call Cosette and chat with her, pretend like she is distracted on the phone, to make her story a little more believable. Even if she was not such a coward, she can already see the holes in her plan.

What if he wanted to talk to her? Introduce her to that girl he is smitten with? Or worse, what if he doesn't recognize her? She doesn't think she can handle that. Besides he has always seen through her before, what makes now any different, he will have known her plan, the moment her arm brushes against his.

Besides, Cosette is probably very busy with her wedding plans.

She and Marius plan to have a wedding near the end of June. She thinks that this is silly because of the heat, but they think it will be terribly romantic to get married on a beach, at sunset on "a sweet June day" (Marius's words not hers).

And, oddly enough, this is the moment. Right here, in the middle of the street, that she realizes that Marius is probably going to invite Enjolras, one of his old best friends, and she will probably have to talk to him and Enjolras will probably bring The Girl.

Why had she not thought of this before? All of a sudden Eponine feels claustrophobic with all of these people crowding around her and nauseous from the dizzying idea of actually spending time with Enjolras and The Girl. Enjolras, who she hasn't seen in almost a decade (arguably the worst almost decade of her life). Enjolras, who she has yearned for everyday but has never truly allowed the idea of what might actually happen when they meet to cross her mind.

Yes, she has fantasized about the day they would meet, but she has never allowed those daydreams and fancies to be anywhere close to what would happen in the real world. They have all revolved around the idea that he is her knight in shining armor, just like he had once been. That he will take her up in his arms and things will finally go back to normal.

Even if she knows better.

He has found another girl to replace her, now. Another girl who can crack the marble and melt his heart. The truth hits her between the eyes and she is momentarily blinded by jealousy. She stumbles and is pushed and elbowed and shoved into the arms of a man with familiar blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Hey, 'Ferre," She says softly, but loud enough that she can be heard over the din on the streets; allowing a small smile to cross her face. She has not seen him in a while, "Have you seen Gav lately? It's been a while since he's come to visit me." Desperately, she strikes up a conversation with Combeferre, hoping to get her emotions under control before he sees. Where is that mask that she had perfected so long ago?

"Yeah, Pony," He easily slips back into the nickname R gave her when they were all still carefree, still friends. At her look, he chuckles. "Old habits and all that," he explains, "They die hard, you know?"

"How is he?" She avoids the reminiscing, but she is still speaking quietly, nothing like the spitfire Eponine with a blaze in her eyes and a tongue as quick as silver. The one who always had a comeback, a snarky comment and some way to gain the upper hand.

Somewhere between that summer when she was eighteen and now, this spring, when she is twenty-eight, she has lost her nerve, her spunk, her fire, (Enjolras) and secretly, her weakness disgusts her.

"Good. Busy. Do you want to grab a cup of coffee? On me, since I bumped into you, I was just on my way to the Musain. I'm supposed to meet-" He cuts himself off before he can continue but they both know that he was going to say Enjolras' name.

His name is taboo when she is near, just like she is sure that hers is when he is near.

"No," She offers him another one of those almost there smiles as well as a way out from this awkward invitation that he cannot rescind because he is too kind. He would sooner suffer through an awkward conversation with both her, Enjolras and The Girl, than reject her now, when he has already offered, "I'm running late," she glances at her watch to make her story more plausible, "Next time you see Gav, give him a hug and a kiss for me, yeah? Tell him I miss him and that he better come visit me. I need an excuse to bake more chocolate cake."

They both smile at this, Gavroche's favorite dessert hasn't changed since he first tried the chocolate cake she baked for his birthday when he was four. So many other things have changed between them, yet he still prefers his older sister's double chocolate chip cake to anyone else's.

"Yeah, I'll tell him. But I don't think I'll be hugging and kissing him. I doubt he'll appreciate that," here Combeferre actually manages to get a soft giggle from the girl, woman, in front of him. Taking a good look at her, he still sees the girl who used to chase far-fetched dreams, the girl who wasn't afraid to get on her hands and knees with him, Marius and R, looking for bugs even if it got her into trouble because she had spent the day playing instead of following her father's orders. But what he sees more of is the gaunt girl she was before she became good friends with them, the girl who had been beaten down by the world.

She had that same lost look about her now that she had then, and she was so thin, almost unhealthily so. He knew from Gavroche that she had a stable job (a teacher, he was pretty sure) and that she was able to support herself, but looking at her, he saw, physically that she was not in the best condition. He could probably guess the same for her on the emotional front.

Of course, he feels a bit of guilt at this. They all did cut her off after that summer, slowly. They weren't the best support system, and they weren't good friends either. Sure, they were there for Enjolras, but not for Eponine. Does she even remember what happened? Enjolras had, but barely. It had been R that had filled him in on the finer details.

Yes, he still saw Eponine from time to time (mostly because of Gavroche), it was often infrequently and as the years stretched, so did the time between meetings. Thinking back, Combeferre realizes that this was the first time he has seen Eponine in almost a year and a half. Marius, on the other hand, is probably the only one of Les Amis that she still speaks to and that is only because he was so infatuated with Cosette that he never stuck around long enough to get a full idea of what happened (they never got the chance to corrupt him), he muses that Marius not being there is a good thing, now. At least Eponine got some sort of support.

But then, maybe Marius is not the best sort of support, she had been in love with him once after all.

"Take care of yourself, okay Eponine?" He asks this with genuine concern and he is rewarded for this by seeing a smile flash in her eyes as a real one slowly spreads across her face, it's not large enough to cause the dimples they all loved so much to appear, but it's the best he's gotten and he will take it.

"Always," She promises before slipping away from him and it takes but a moment for the crowd to swallow her up. As if she had never been there at all. Slowly, he walks to the Musain on his own, wondering if he should approach the subject of Eponine while conversing with Enjolras.

Yay! End of chapter one. Let me know if you see any huge grammatical errors? I went back to the prologue and caught some (which I fixed) but it would be helpful if you guys could let me know if you see any too.

I'm thinking about getting a beta, but I'm not sure if I really want one, I actually did proofread this chapter.

I've got part of chapter two done as well, but we'll see how often I can post (AP tests/end of the year stuff have decided to fill up my next two weeks).

Thank you for reading, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter as well as your favorite parts/least favorite parts/what you're looking forward to/predictions!

So leave me a review!