Steve came up the stairs to Sarah's apartment and entered without knocking. A custom they both had become acquainted with at each other's homes, feeling as if it were their own.
"Sarah?" he called out, making his way down the hall. He stopped in his tracks and smiled brightly as she came out of her room. "Wow!" he said, moving toward her. "Wait, let me emphasize that. Wow! You look amazing." He ran his hand down over her hip, admiring the little black dress and high-heeled shoes that put her almost at his height.
She reached up with both hands and smoothed down the lapel of his jacket, "Me! Look at you. I don't need a five-star restaurant. I have a five-star man right in front of me."
He took her hands in his and kissed them. "I look like a bum next to you." He kissed her then. "Are you ready?"
"Yes. Where are we going?" "To the Modern."
Sarah's expression was a cross between surprise and a little concerned. "That's a nice place. It's also very expensive."
Steve shrugged it off. "So," he held her hand and turned, guiding her toward the front room. "What's a couple of hundred bucks? You're worth a million."
She smiled and couldn't help but scan his jacket, wondering if maybe he did have a ring tucked away in one of those pockets. The suit, the sweet talk, the nice restaurant, the email, it was all beginning to look a lot like an early Christmas to her.
The view from their table overlooked the harbor in Waikiki. Steve reached over his empty plate and took the bottle of wine, filling up Sarah's glass with the rest of it.
"Trying to get me drunk?" she grinned, setting her napkin on her finished dinner plate.
He leaned in whispering to her. "I was hoping maybe a little alcohol might get me a good night kiss or maybe even breakfast in the morning."
She picked up her wine glass and tapped it against his. "Can't hurt a man for trying, but let me tell you a little secret," she leaned in to him this time. "I'm a sure thing."
He liked the way that was delivered and told her so by giving her a kiss. "Yes you are," he sighed.
She scanned his jacket for the hundredth time that night as well as his hand movements. She was beginning to drive herself crazy wondering if he was going to bring up the 'important thing' they needed to talk about, or if she was going to have to succumb to her alternative plan and literally shake it out of him before she lost her patience. "This dinner was perfect. Thank you."
He just smiled and nodded, looking at her as if he too were thankful. "I wanted to talk to you about something."
He leaned in and Sarah felt her heart begin to race, looking down at his hands, seeing if he had a box, but he rested his arms on the table empty handed.
"Sarah," he began as she stared at his mouth waiting for the words when the waiter suddenly appeared next to them.
Steve sat back in his chair, allowing him to remove their plates. It was as if she were transfixed on his mouth as he spoke to the waiter. This moment was becoming more than she could take, wanting it for more than three years and even more so since that first kiss. She hadn't realized how badly she wanted to marry him until it was possibly staring right at her.
"Sarah," he said to her as if trying to get her attention. He chuckled and reached over, touching her on the leg. "Sarah?"
She suddenly focused, her eyes gleaming. "Yes?"
"Do you want any dessert?" he said almost laughing over her demeanor.
"No," she replied, but then wondered if maybe the ring would be in the dessert. "Do you?" she quickly recanted. "If you do, I'll have some."
He shook his head. "I'm good, but feel free."
She shook her head feeling slightly disappointed. "No, then I'm good too." She watched him smile up at the waiter and relay their answer.
"You were saying," she said, wanting to get his attention back to the subject at hand, feeling her palms begin to sweat.
He rested both arms on the table, "You leave on Friday for your Grandparents fiftieth right?"
She nodded, "Yes. I wish you were going with me. I really wanted them to meet you."
"I know, me too." He reached over taking her hand, gently gliding his thumb over the back of it. "But with Chin and Kono over on Maui for that family reunion I can't leave with just Danny here. Next time, I promise."
"I understand." But what she really wanted was for him to get it out before she screamed.
"Well," he began again, shifting in his chair.
She got the sense he was nervous, which only ensured her of what was coming.
"Are you happy Sarah?"
She smiled, "Yes. Dinner was wonderful."
"No. I mean with me." He pointed between the two of them. "With us?"
She moved her hand so it covered his now. "Yes. I'm very, very happy."
He liked that answer. "We spend a lot of time going back and forth to each others houses. Don't you think?"
"Yes."
"Most of the time we're rushing in the morning having to go home and change before work. It can be a pain."
She liked where this was going.
"I was thinking that while you were gone that maybe I'd move some of your things over to my house."
She looked at him quizzically, "Some of my things?"
"Yeah, your clothes, your dresser," he smiled, wondering if she was catching on.
Sarah looked down at his hands, one still resting on hers and the other on the table. She looked back up at him as he raised an eyebrow.
"I want you to move in with me," he finally said.
She stared at him, waiting for the next line, waiting and waiting until she realized it wasn't coming. He just wanted to live together. He wasn't proposing marriage he was only proposing a roommate. She desperately tried to hide her disappointment.
"What do you think?" he asked her, trying to read her but not sure what she was thinking, but hoping she was on board.
"You're right," she swallowed down the lump in her throat, "it would make sense." She reached over taking a drink of her wine.
He started to get the idea he had made it sound too much like a convenience rather than his true intentions. "I like it on those nights when I come home and you're there, either on the couch watching TV, or up in bed waiting for me. It's nice. I'd like to have that every night."
His tone of voice is what she was drawn too; it was sincere. She loved him; there was no doubt about that. She let go the proposal, knowing this was a huge step for him never having lived with anyone before. Maybe this was all he was capable of at the moment. After all, it was all his idea, she had never suggested nor even hinted that they move in together. If this were all he could offer her now, she'd take it. She just wanted to be with him and didn't want him to feel pressured by any means. "Can I bring my collection of baseball glasses?"
Steve laughed, "Of course." His smiled faded to a happy grin. "You can bring anything you want. I'll make room for it."
She nodded, "Ok then, yes." She kissed him back as he leaned over to her, but she still couldn't help but feel that painful regret that her answer of yes was not to the question she had hoped for. Her next thought went to her Father, wondering how in the heck she was going to tell him that his little girl was moving in with a man without a ring on her finger. He wasn't gong to be so pleased. Her Mother would understand because she knew how much she loved Steve; she could hear it in her voice, even over the phone.
He was glad she had agreed but it wasn't quite what he had been expecting. For some reason he thought she'd be more excited, but he guessed that they had already been practically living together as it was and nothing was really going to change, except she would be at his place all the time now. "You know," he said, "nothings really going to change between us." Feeling like he had to let her know that he didn't expect her to cater to him or that she felt like she had to do anything different than she already was, wondering if that was what her hesitation was about. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want a roommate Sarah. I love you. I want you to be happy there and feel like it's your home too."
He was trying so hard to make it sound like this was going to be a good thing. She suddenly felt horrible for not being more excited.
He was about to ask her if she really wanted this when she pushed her chair back and stood up, taking a seat on his lap and wrapping her arm over his shoulder. It was a five star restaurant and they got both looks of approval and disapproval, but he didn't care, this gesture was something he'd remember fondly for the rest of his life.
"I love you too," she said, "and I already feel at home when I'm there. I feel at home wherever I am with you."
He cupped the back of her neck and reached up with his mouth, kissing her for that.
Steve opened Sarah's front door and let her go in first.
"I'm just going to grab a couple of things."
"We can stay here tonight if you want?" he suggested.
She put her hands inside his jacket and around his waist. "No way," she smiled. "I want to stay at my new place."
"Then grab enough for a couple of days." Her enthusiasm was exactly what he had been hoping for.
"Ok." She kissed him and went down the hall to her room as he went in the kitchen.
"You might regret this you know." She yelled back. "Did I tell you that I rent a warehouse where I keep my real wardrobe?"
Steve laughed, "Well then I guess I'll just have to donate some of my cargo pants to charity to make room. Danny would be so happy." He reached in the cupboard for a glass, setting it down on the counter next to a pad of paper, not noticing the scribbling on it. He opened the fridge and scanned the ingredients, settling on a glass of cold water from a jug she kept in there for him. It was another small gesture on her part that was never requested; it just showed up one day because she knew him so well. He loved that about her.
He poured the water in the glass, splashing some of it on the pad of paper. He wiped away the splatters and was startled to see the doodling on the sheet. Written over and over was Sarah's name with his last name, as if she had been practicing how to write it. He forgone the glass and picked up the pad, wondering if this was from earlier today or when she had done this. It didn't really matter he decided, this was on her mind. She'd never talked about it, nor asked him his thoughts on it, the same as the living arrangements. She just seemed happy and content, but this was undeniable. She thought about marriage.
His mouth suddenly went even drier as his heart raced, coming to the realization that maybe this is what she had been expecting tonight at dinner. It all started to fall into place. The odd behavior and the lack of excitement wasn't just his imagination. "Oh shit," he groaned, recalling his words in the email that might have been miss leading.
"Do you know if I still have shampoo over there?" she yelled out from the bathroom.
He set the pad down, but tore off the sheet, putting it in his pocket. "Yeah, I think there's a bottle in the shower."
She appeared around the corner. "I'm ready then." She held a shopping bad full of clothes, smiling. "This is just the beginning."
The pleasure he had earlier from this move suddenly wasn't as exciting anymore. He felt like a heel, wondering why he hadn't gone one better and proposed to her? It never really crossed his mind to the point that he thought she would be ready for something like that, or was that his excuse and the reason it never surfaced was maybe because he wasn't ready. Either way it was painful knowing he'd let her down in any way whatsoever.
"Can we stop for ice cream on the way home?" she asked. "I polished off that chocolate you had in the freezer the other day."
He nodded, wanting to apologize for his mistake but instead he let it go, as well as the nagging conscience that told him she deserved more, even if she didn't demand it.
Sarah rolled over in her sleep with her back to him. Steve turned his head in that direction, waking from the movement. He reached down and covered up her naked body with the sheet, feeling a little chilled himself. His thoughts instantly went to the dinner and then to the piece of paper. She was here in his house and he should just let it go. She didn't seem bothered by it after all. They had come home, shared a bowl of ice cream and then gone straight to bed. They made love first which she instigated. A move that assured him once again she was happy. Even so, he rolled over and put his arm around her and nestled close to her.
"I love you," he whispered to her, knowing she didn't hear him, but wanted to say it anyway.
'Then why don't you want to marry me?' she thought sadly to herself as he held her close.
Danny waited by the entrance to headquarters seeing Sarah get out of her car and make her way in.
"Good morning," she said with a smile.
"Good morning. How was your fancy dinner last night?" he asked. "I hope you ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and followed it with a gold lined dessert."
Sarah laughed as he held the door open for her. "You're terrible. I had salmon, "she put her hand over heart imitating her delight over it, "and it was divine,"
"I can't believe the tight wad opened his wallet that far." He gently nudged her teasingly. "I know you're something special, but geez."
She glanced over at him. "Don't you know why he took me there last night?" assuming he did.
"No."
"He asked me to move in with him."
Danny stopped in his tracks and looked at her shocked. "Seriously?"
"Seriously. He wants to move most of my stuff while I'm on the mainland visiting my family. " She tilted her head, more surprised over his lack of knowledge of it. "You really didn't know?"
"No! He just said he was taking you to a nice dinner." He thought it was odd that Steve hadn't mentioned it. "So what did you say?"
"I said yes," she said with a smile, but even as she spoke it she felt that same hint of regret over not being proposed too. She had to get over that she thought stubbornly.
"That's great. I'm happy for you guys."
"Thanks Danny." She heard her name being said from across the room as Carol came speedily up to her.
"Well," she said excitedly grabbing Sarah's hand.
Sarah quickly pulled it away. "We had a great dinner and he asked me to move in with him."
"Oh," Carol said a little taken back but quickly tried to recover with a big smile and hug. "That's great too Sarah! I'm so happy for you."
She hugged her back looking at Danny over her Carol's shoulder, seeing that expression on his face. She quickly diverted her eyes elsewhere, not wanting to see the pity.
'Ah geez,' he thought miserably. 'She was looking for a ring last night.'
Carol pulled away, still gripping her by the shoulders. "Congratulations."
"Thanks Carol," Sarah replied sheepishly, but could see the disappointment on her as well. This was becoming a bit humiliating, hoping Carol hadn't said anything to anyone else about it. As she walked off, Sarah turned back to Danny.
He stared at her knowingly but didn't say anything.
"What?" she said, sighing heavily, "Don't say it."
He held his hands up in defense, "I'm not saying anything." But he knew that was a lie and so did she. "But you know him, he can be a little naïve when it comes to stuff like this." He began to make excuses for him trying to ease her obvious disappointment. "Sometimes he just needs a little…" he used his hands, simulating a push.
"A nudge?" Sarah filled in the blank for him
"A kick in the ass," Danny quickly retorted.
Sarah smiled, "Maybe so, but I don't want him to ask because of a kick in the ass. I want him to ask because he wants to ask."
He huffed, knowing she was right on track with that. She wasn't the type of girl to throw threats or ultimatums. It wasn't her style. "You're a good girl Sarah. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you."
She gently rubbed her hand up and down his arm, thanking him for that. "I'm pretty lucky too. He's good to me."
"I know," he agreed. "I'll see you later," he said backing up, pointing at her. "Just don't get domesticated on me."
Sarah laughed, "No way! I don't do domesticated."
He waved over his shoulder, going up the stairs. He was happy for her. She wanted this and he also knew it was a huge move for Steve, but still, he couldn't help but feel that slight annoyance build, knowing him well enough that this little arrangement could turn comfortable, too comfortable, and before you know it, five years pass by. He knew Sarah didn't want that. She was ready for it now. It began to irk him the closer he got to the office, until he was standing in front of Steve's desk.
Danny ignored the good morning from him as he glanced up over the top of his computer.
"I ran into Sarah downstairs. So what's the deal," he blurted out angrily, "she's good enough to sleep and live with but she's not good enough to marry?"
Steve narrowed his eyes, wondering what he was talking about.
"Don't look at me and play the dumb card. I want an answer."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about Sarah and this nice little arrangement you got set up. Works out great for you doesn't it? You only have to commit so much. What a convenience."
Steve sat back in his chair, bewildered by the sudden attack but also irked by it. "You know, to be quite honest Daniel it's none of your business."
"Yes!" he said, pointing a finger. "Yes it is. And I'll tell you why. She's like a little sister to me. You were on one of your Naval Reserve trips when her brother JC was here a couple of years ago. He and I got to know each other and he told me that her family was a little concerned with her living over here all alone, but after meeting me and the others he confessed that he felt relieved. I assured him that I would look out for her. So," he said, standing his ground. "I'm saying what one of her brothers would say if they were standing right here in my place."
"Are you done?" he asked him.
"No! I said I want an answer. Do you think she's not good enough to marry? Because I'm telling you right now, you'd be damn lucky to have her. Damn lucky!"
Steve sat back in his chair, taping his finger impatiently on the arm of the chair. "Ok, are you done now?"
Danny glared at him, pissed that he was acting as if this was no big deal. He felt like he was patronizing him. "Whatever. You know best don't you?" He went to turn and walk out.
"I was going to ask her when she gets home from this trip," he blurted out. "So you can stop acting like her mother."
Danny stopped and turned, "Really? Was it my little speech I just gave you? Did I knock some sense into you?"
Steve huffed, "Don't flatter yourself." He opened up the drawer of his desk and pulled out the sheet of paper from her kitchen, setting it on the desk and sliding it over in his direction. "This is what knocked some sense into me."
Danny reached over and picked it up.
Steve watched a smile slowly take place of the earlier scowl. "I think she was looking for a ring last night."
Danny set the paper back down on the desk. "She was."
Steve looked even more caught off by that remark than the earlier bashing. "Did she tell you that?"
"No, of course not. But when I ran into her downstairs Carol came screaming up and grabbed her hand, examining it as if they had discussed it beforehand. So being the brilliant detective that I am, I made the connection."
"Yeah," Steve rolled his eyes, "you're like Sherlock Holmes."
"More so than you are a Romeo." He sat down in the chair across from his desk. "And I'll tell you something else. Don't marry her because it's what you think she wants. She doesn't want that either."
"Jesus, will you lay off?" he snapped.
"No, I won't. I'm not going to let you waltz into this thing and dance around the meaning of it because you feel like it's what she wants and then during the seven-year itch you remember it as being something you felt you HAD to do."
"God," Steve groaned, shaking his head. "You must think I'm a real prick."
"No, I don't," he said sincerely. "I know that you love Sarah and I also know that you would do anything for her and vice versa. But I also know you have this thing with loyalty and that stunt she pulled with Leese last year, you consider that loyalty in the first degree, and my concern is that you're going to marry her because you think that she deserves it, but you have to want it more than that, and I don't think you do."
He felt like that remark was like a punch in the face. "Why would you say that?"
"Because if you felt otherwise, you would have asked her to marry you last night, and not just move in with you."
Steve opened his mouth to argue and then closed it, knowing he had hit it right on the head and there was nothing he could say to defend himself. He did love her, there was no question about that, but he had to ask himself again why he hadn't considered that option before. Was he marrying her for all the wrong reasons?
Danny didn't say anything else but just got up and left the office, letting him absorb that information and work it out on his own, confident that he would.
Sarah pulled her carry-on out from the back of Steve's truck. "You didn't have to park. You could have just dropped me out at the curb."
"No way," he said, getting her larger suitcase out. "I'll take you all the way to the gate."
She thought he was exaggerating until they got to the terminal, where he paid the man outside to have her luggage checked-in curbside and then moved up through the line with her through security, flashing his badge and introducing her as his girlfriend to the security guard he knew that checked her through.
They got down to her gate and she looked at her watch. "Well I wasn't expecting the VIP treatment. I have almost an hour before I board."
"Come on," he took her hand. "I'll buy you a beer."
They sat at a table in one of the bars that overlooked the runway. Steve set down two Longboards he got from the bartender, taking the seat next to her instead of across from her.
"Are you excited to see everyone?" he asked.
"Yes. I haven't seen my grandparents in a long time."
"Or your parents."
"Skyping is nice, but it's not the same, so yes, I'm excited to see everyone."
"I'm going to miss you."
She smiled over that. "I'm going to miss you too."
"And when you come back I'll have most of your stuff moved."
She took a drink of her beer. "Yep. Be careful with my baseball glasses," she teased.
"I'll wrap them separately and set them on the front seat of my truck with the seat belt around them."
She leaned over and kissed him. "You're a good man."
He picked up her hand, rubbing his thumb over her ring finger. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
He looked up at her, "Were you expecting a ring the other night at dinner?"
Her eyes instantly looked down, not wanting him to see them when she replied. "I don't know if I was expecting one…" She cursed Danny, knowing he must have said something.
"Hoping then?" he corrected.
"I think I just miss-read your email and I jumped to conclusions…" she went to explain, but stopped. "I know that you love you me, Steve and that's all I need right now."
"For how long?"
She looked up at him for that. "What do you mean?"
"How long do I have before you want to get married? I mean I figure we eventually will, but can you give me a time frame?"
She tilted her head, "You want me to give you a time frame? Like what, months, years, decades?" she replied confused.
"Well yeah, kind of. So I have an idea when I should start considering the proposal."
Sarah sat back in her chair stunned. "Well how about twenty years, would that give you enough time? Maybe by then you'd be ready."
"You're being sarcastic aren't you?" he chuckled. "I already said I would marry you. I just don't know why we have to rush into it."
"I never said we did. As a matter of fact I don't think it would be a very good idea either," she lied.
"It's not that I don't love you Sarah and that I don't want to spend my life with you, because I do. But I see people around me and have known people who were really happy like us, and once they got married it all changed. I'm afraid if we did that…" he paused, taking her hand. "I'm so happy in my life right now and the way things are going with us, I don't want to lose this. I guess that's what I'm afraid of, not the commitment part with you. That I'm not afraid of at all, but what I need to know is, can you be happy with just me, or do you feel like you need a ring for me to prove what I already declare and show you every single day?"
She had to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. She did feel loved and she did feel that commitment from him, but could she live the rest of her life without the other? She had never considered it, always assuming when she found 'the one' that it would lead to the other, but now she had to reconsider it.
"Hey," he said kissing the back of her hand, "you know I'm not going anywhere."
She nodded; still reeling over his confession that had her thinking out of the box she had lived in for her whole life. "What about kids? Are you going to tell me now that you don't want kids?"
He squeezed her hand. "I'd have ten kids with you. After spending all that time with you and Jacob it's something I want very much."
She stared at him, seeing the man who gave her everything she needed in life. Maybe this was enough. She began to feel selfish for wanting more when he had clearly given her a good reason why he didn't want to, and it had nothing to do with being afraid of being with her. "I guess I really don't need all that either. I trust you when you tell me you love me and that you want to spend your life with me. I told you before that I feel at home no matter where I am with you, and the same goes for the marriage. I guess don't need a piece of paper or an expensive ring on my finger to prove to myself or anyone else that we're committed to each other."
He didn't think he could have loved her more than he did at that second. Danny was right. He was lucky. He felt he had won the lottery with Sarah.
They stood off to the side of the entry as the others boarded the plane.
"Call me as soon as you land."
"I will."
"I miss you already."
She reached up and kissed him. "I love you." She felt tears stinging her eyes. The last half hour had been emotionally difficult but she had to consider his feelings as well, wondering if she could really forgo the marriage part and be as happy with it as he was. Her biggest fear was that they would fall into the same problem if they didn't get married. Would the love they have now change because they didn't have that special bond? She didn't say it but it was there.
"I love you too Sarah, very much."
He kissed her goodbye, taking his time. It would be a week before he saw her again, knowing it was going to be torture. Hell, he could barely go a day without her before feeling lost; this was going to hurt. But he sensed he had accomplished what he had set out to do, feeling confident that on her return home, life was going to change most defiantly for the better.
Steve came into Danny's office two hours later and sat down in the chair across from him, grinning mischievously.
"So did she by it?" he asked, chuckling at his expression.
"Every word. I should receive an academy award for that performance."
Danny laughed. "Now all you need to do is get a ring before she gets home."
Steve stretched his leg out, reaching in his pants pocket and set the black velvet box on his desk. "Stopped on the way home from the airport to look, and found this."
Danny reached over for it, doubting it would be worthy. It was an impulse buy. He should have shopped around more. But when he opened the box he quickly took it back. "Holy shit!" he looked up at him. "Can I marry you?"
Steve laughed, leaning forward to get another look at it. "It's nice huh?"
"Nice?" he questioned that as if it were an understatement, tilting it so he could get the sparkle of the light off the diamonds. "How much more a year do you make than me?!"
Steve laughed, reaching over and taking it from him, admiring it again. "There was another one there that I could have just paid cash for, but this one stood out. It was more expensive too. I still need to make a years payment on it to make up the difference. But I liked it." He looked up at him. "You think she'll like it?"
"She'll love it. This is what you want huh?"
Steve sat back in the chair, still holding it. "Yep. I want to marry because I want to marry her. Does that make sense?"
"Perfect," Danny said, seeing it all over him as well.