Sarah sat in the grass waiting for him to come back from his swim. This had gone on long enough and she was about fed up with it. She needed to talk to him and force him to get it out in the open, but what she really wanted to do was ring his neck for acting so ridiculous, but the second she stopped and saw it from his perspective, it wasn't so ridiculous. She had to keep that in mind. Ever since the doctors visit he'd been avoiding her. Not in the obvious physical sense but he'd been making himself scarce nonetheless.

He started running in the morning before she got up and then returning just in time to slip in the shower and head out to work. In the evening his swimming routine was longer than usual so by the time he finished it was almost time for bed and then he was so tired from the extra workouts and just plain work, he would kiss her goodnight and fall asleep almost instantly. It had been three days and the conversation needed to be had whether he liked it or not.

She stood up as she saw him making his way in from about twenty yards out. She wasn't happy with him, but she also couldn't deny the pleasure he gave her as he swam in. His arms came out of the water in long, deep strokes, and even from a distance she could see the strength that emanated from him. As he came close to shore he stood up, running his hands through his hair and shaking his head, sending splatters of water flying off of him. His body had a deeper tan from the extra time being spent outside which only made him look more appealing. "Keep your head," she mumbled to herself. "Stay on track."

He smiled at her as she held the towel in her hands out him. "Thanks." He wrapped it around his shoulders, pecking her cheek as he walked by toward the house, yet again displaying that unusual behavior of not stopping.

"Why are you avoiding me?" she blurted out, turning in his direction.

He glanced over his shoulder. "I'm not avoiding you," he lied, laughing her off.

She stood her ground just staring at him, wondering why he was pretending when he new damn well he was.

He opened the door, expecting her to be behind him when he saw her still standing there. He knew where this was going to end up and what she wanted from him, but had no desire to go there. "Sarah, come inside."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you'll find some excuse to avoid me. I want to talk now, right here."

"Sarah," he said impatiently, looking over toward his neighbors hoping they weren't outside. "just come inside."

"No!" she shouted. "Here, now! Stop ignoring me!" she yelled, loosing her temper she had tried to hold in but had had it.

He pulled the towel off his shoulders, holding it in his hand walking up to her. "Knock it off."

"No, you knock it off! What is wrong with you? Or should I say what is wrong with me?"

He shook his head, "There's nothing wrong."

She clenched her fists, "God, don't stand there and act as if you have no idea! This isn't just about you."

He looked away from her out toward the water, knowing exactly what she was talking about. He felt that familiar disappointment run through him that he'd been physically trying to get out of his system by pushing his body harder, hoping to reverse the diagnose by getting in better shape. He knew it sounded ridiculous but he was desperate. The inferiority that he felt was staggering. He'd never felt less of a man or a husband that he had over the last couple of days and no matter how hard he pushed himself, nothing seemed to be alleviating the load off his shoulders. And worse yet, he was afraid to look at her, fearing she would see him in the same way. He felt a hard tug on his arm.

"Look at me!" she demanded. He did as he was told, showing her the reason for his avoidance. The humiliation he'd been harboring showed all over him as he looked at her. She suddenly realized this was worse than she had thought. "Why won't you talk to me?"

"And say what?" his voice mirroring his expression. "I'm sorry I'm the source off all your unhappiness right now. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

"I'm not unhappy," she said confidently, loosening the grip on his arm to a gentle one. "This distance between us is making me unhappy. You need to stop punishing yourself."

He looked away from her again feeling all those emotions that he'd been suppressing slowly surfacing. "I'm going to run up and take a shower," he said needing to get away from her.

She gripped his arm tighter. "No you're not."

He pulled away from her. "Why can't you just let it be?" He went to get by her when she stood in his path.

"Because I love you and I don't understand why I have to drag it out of you." She couldn't believe how stubborn he could be. "God!" she shouted, putting her hands in her hair and gripping handfuls of it, frustrated. "I hate it when you turn into this machine!" She motioned to his whole body. "You set up these barriers and hide behind them pretending that everything will just go away if you work harder, push yourself harder or God forbid, just ignore it all together. It's not going to go away, Steve! It's just making it worse, and you're pulling me down with you."

She could see that last statement had startled him. He also didn't have the reaction that she had expected, not by a long shot. She expected anger and a fight out of him, but what she got were tears that he tried desperately to hide from her, shifting his body. She was shocked that his suffering went that deep. "Steve," she said painfully. "Don't do this to yourself, please."

"I hate that I can't give this to you." He clenched his teeth, growling, "I hate it! I also hate that it makes me wonder that if I knew this before we got married, if you knew this." He paused… "I saw how happy you were when you were pregnant. God, Sarah" he exclaimed painfully, "you were like a ray of sunshine every day," his voice cracking under the pressure of trying not to cry in front of her. "What if it never happens for us again. How can I take that joy away from you?" he shook his head. "What am I supposed to do Sarah?" his voice turning desperate. "What am I supposed to do?"

She couldn't believe how much this was hurting her. It was horrible the pain that could conflict a person when they knew the one they loved hurt. "The first thing you have to do is stop beating yourself up over this." She positioned her body, forcing him to look at her. "I would have married you no matter what. So put that ridiculous thought to rest. If it doesn't happen for us, then we'll find another way to have kids. I don't have to be pregnant for us to experience the joy of having children. There are so many other options available to us, and so many kids out there that could make us just as happy."

"You were just so happy when you were pregnant," he said sadly. "I wasn't avoiding you because of what you think…" He shifted nervously, wanting to tell her and wanting to lean on her, it was just so hard and even more so it was scary that he might see in her what he had been dreading.

"Then why?" She watched his eyes shift downward toward the ground, never seeing him look so fragile before.

He kept that same position when he finally spoke. "I'm afraid you'll see me differently now."

It was the last thing she thought he would say because it was so far from existence in her mind that it was never even considered a factor in the problem, yet she saw clearly the impact that it was having on him. She put her hand on the back of his bent head. "When you were coming out of the water just a few minutes ago, I had to literally catch my breath and calm myself. This body," she slid her hands down his arms gripping his hands, "these hands, they give me so much pleasure, but nothing makes me happier than the man inside. You could take away all of the physical and I would still see you as the strongest, kindest and most protective man I've ever known. I feel safe with you all the time." She saw a slight smile on his face over that, knowing she was on the right track. "You know what else," she whispered, "sometimes I secretly watch you."

He looked up at her, surprised over that, "You do? When?"

She nodded, "Well just now for one," she motioned with her head toward the water, "I had to restrain myself from dragging you into the bushes. Or, when you're out here working on something with your shirt off, or when you're at the computer, or watching TV, anytime, all the time. I can't help myself." She could see his face flush over that knowledge as the smile grew.

"You stalker," he joked, not able to hide his enjoyment over that confession.

She shrugged, "I know, but look at what I'm married too?" She wrapped her arms around his neck, "And the best part," she grinned at him. "It's all mine. Mine! Mine! Mine!" she said greedily, kissing him.

He hugged her tightly, feeling better than he had in days. "I love you Sarah. You're a good wife."

"I'm just thankful for what I have," she squeezed him.

"Me too."

Steve sat in his chair in his office with Sarah's exposed buttock before him. He cringed before he stuck the needle in just below her hip. "I hate doing this," he said remorsefully. "I don't understand why you have to get the shots too when it's me who has the problem." He glanced up at her as she looked down at him over her shoulder with a raised eyebrow over that remark. "Ok sorry, our problem. But still. It's not fair." He leaned over and kissed the spot where he had injected her.

"I just like it when you kiss my ass," Sarah laughed.

He grabbed her around the waist and kissed the spot again over and over. "You mean like that?" he responded.

She giggled and squirmed out of his arms, fastening her pants as he put the medicine away. "You're going to be home on time tonight, right?"

"Yes, I'll make sure of it."

They came out of his office together as he walked her to the exit.

"Everything go ok?" Danny asked as they passed him.

Sarah rubbed her behind. "He's a pro."

"Well, good luck," he said sheepishly, "with all that. You know…"

"Thank you Danny." She stopped before going out the door being held open for her and kissed Steve. "I'll see you tonight, six sharp."

"Be in bed," he smiled.

He came back down the corridor as Chin and Kono came through the glass doors Sarah had just vacated from.

"What did you guys find out," Steve asked of the latest case they'd been working.

"Got a lead," Chin responded, going into detail of the suspect. They all hovered around the computer table laying out the case and making a plan before heading out.

"Looks solid, let's go," Steve said.

They headed toward the exit as Kono came up next him. "So, I was talking to Sarah yesterday downstairs."

"Oh yeah," he said thinking nothing of it.

She smiled at him but said nothing.

He looked over at her, wondering what she was getting at when it dawned on him. He blew out a deep breath between his teeth. "Oh geez. Let it go Kono."

"What? I think it's great what you're doing."

He was a little taken back by that, "Really?"

"Yes. Why, did you think I was going to give you a hard time?"

"It's just a little unnerving is all."

She stopped at the exit and turned, "I wouldn't tease you." She reached her right hand out. "Promise."

He went to shake it when she pulled it away with a teasing smile. "Whoa! Did you wash that?" She playfully jumped back as the other two laughed and Steve reached out to take an imaginary swing at her.

"So much for your promises," he playfully shoved her.

"Couldn't help myself Boss. You're an easy target. But seriously, I think the Akua's will bless you two. You're deserving."

"Thanks Kono." He had to admit that he was extremely optimistic with these treatments they were taking. He just had a good feeling about it. It was going to happen.

Sarah heard his truck and quickly lit the candles. She then laid back on the bed, completely naked waiting for him. With all the stress and pressure of trying to conceive, she wanted this time to be the opposite of that.

"Sarah," he yelled out going in the kitchen first.

"Up here," she shouted back.

He came up the stairs and into the bedroom. The room was dark even though the sun was still up. She'd covered the lanai doors with a dark blanket and lit an array of candles around the room, giving the illusion it was nighttime. But the vision that intrigued him the most was his wife lying naked on top of the bed.

"Welcome to my ovulation party," Sarah smiled. "You're a little over dressed, so why don't you get comfortable and join me."

He smiled back, pulling his shirt over his head. "This is my kind of party." He slipped his shoes off at the same time he undid his pants. "Can I jump in the shower really quick? I had to chase a suspect down and got kind of sweaty."

Sarah got up, kneeling on the bed making her way over to him. "No, I like a little sweat on you." She took over the task of removing his belt buckle. "I remember when you used to come in with a suspect after a chase and drop off evidence. It used to drive me crazy. I just wanted to bury my face in your neck."

Steve laughed, "That's crazy."

"It was sexier than hell." She pulled down on his pants and underwear as he took over the task and she scooted back on the bed, holding her arms open as he crawled up to her, nestling between her legs.

"Mmm," he moaned, kissing her neck, "this is sexier than hell." His hand wasted no time gliding down her body and between her legs as his lips moved that direction as well stopping at her breasts.

She lifted her hips as his fingers playfully molested her, teasing her. She'd missed him. It had been several days since they'd had sex, wanting to wait for her to ovulate and saving him for the best time, hoping for conception.

"I want you so bad," she whispered to him.

He moved further down her body, "Soon," his voice deep and husky as he kissed the inside of her thighs.

Sarah laid her head back, enjoying the feel of him. "Soon is good," she sighed. "You take as much time," she moaned, "as you need." She was pleased with herself that he seemed relaxed. Everything seemed in perfect unison for conception.

Sarah sat on the table in the doctor's office, holding her phone ready to text Steve as soon as the doctor came in with the results of her pregnancy test. He had been called out on a rare case by the Governor and couldn't make it in. It had only been three weeks since they'd been trying but they both felt so confident that she was pregnant that they made the appointment for a blood test to ensure accuracy rather than the store bought one that may not pick up the extra hormones from the baby just yet.

She looked up as the doctor came in, studying his face for a reaction but couldn't get one. "Well?" she asked, grinning anxiously.

He shook his head. "No, not this time, Sarah. I'm sorry." Her expression did a complete 180. "But please don't let this discourage you and Steve. It rarely happens on the first time. Just keep up with your injections and the same with his. You both have a good sexual routine down and shouldn't sway from that. You're waiting at least a day between each encounter, right?"

Sarah nodded sadly.

He gently patted her on the leg. "That's good. It gives him time to build up. Has he been keeping up with his nutrient intake as well? We've learned more and more over the years what a benefit a good diet can be on the male reproductive system."

She nodded again, but the disappointment was obvious. "Yes. As far as I know." She finally looked up at him. "We were so sure I was." She felt the tears coming, looking back down at her phone not wanting to send that message to Steve. She saw his hand, offering her a tissue. She took it, wiping her eyes.

"Depression and stress can cause havoc on your body. You need to remain optimistic and keep a positive outlook on this. You are doing everything right, just be a little more patient." He put a hand on her shoulder. "Okay?"

She nodded, wiping her nose with the tissue, "Okay."

"Good. I'm going to send a prescription refill for both of you so pick it up right away. I don't want you missing a dose. It's very important to stay on track and not miss an injection."

Sarah listened to him but everything he was saying was what they both already knew. They had been following the rules to a tee, taking the injections at the same time everyday and having sex every other day during her ovulation, knowing that the sperm could live inside her for days, which would give her a constant quantity.

"If you have any questions or concerns, you have my number and can leave a message after hours and I'll get back to you as soon as possible." He put his hand on the doorknob. "I'll see you in about another three weeks or so."

She nodded, "Thank you." She watched him leave but didn't feel thankful, wondering why she had even said that. She stared down at her phone, wanting to call him but just didn't have the heart too.

Steve pulled his phone out of his pocket as he got out of the car, checking his messages first and then his text just incase for some odd reason he missed the response from her he'd been waiting for. Her appointment was almost an hour in but he assumed that with a blood test, the results might be more accurate but also more time consuming as well.

He went to put it back in his pocket when it vibrated in his hand. He looked back down at the text from Sarah that appeared on the screen. "Negative" was all it said. He stopped in his tracks completely caught off guard, feeling that familiar wave of disappointment flow through him. It was a horrible emotion that literally drained him of all his energy.

He slipped it back in his pocket and looked over at Danny who waited for him outside the bank where they were checking on a safe deposit box they had got a warrant for.

Danny knew by the look on his face that it was another 'no' from Sarah. He went toward him, letting the importance of their visit there go for another minute. "Not good huh?"

Steve shook his head sadly. "Negative."

"You ok?"

Steve shrugged it off like it was expected, even though it wasn't. "Yeah. It is what it is, you know." He walked past him toward the entrance.

"Hey," Danny said, "Let's just give it a minute before we go in."

"Why?" Steve said irritably. "Let's just get this done."

"Because I think you need a minute to digest this before you get back in the game."

He turned and came back toward him. "Digest what? I'm used to it by now, don't you know that?"

"No, I don't think you are. I think you're pissed and I think you need to take a minute to deal with it."

"I'm not pissed!" he fired back. "Why would I be pissed? It's not my fault! I can't do anything about it. Of course then again that's the whole problem here isn't it?" his voice getting louder, "I can't do anything about it!"

Danny crossed his arms patiently, letting him vent.

"What the fuck!" Steve growled, pacing back and forth in front of him. "This is such bullshit!" He stopped in front of him with his hands on his hips, letting his head fall forward. "Damn it!" he grumbled. "We just thought for sure this time." He looked up at him with disappointment written all over him. "You know?"

"Yeah. I know. It's blows. But don't let it discourage you guys. It'll happen eventually," he encouraged.

They started walking toward the entrance. "Yeah, but I'll probably be too old to lift them by then," he replied negatively.

Steve came running up the driveway and through the side yard to the back. He kicked his shoes off and walked into the cool ocean, laying back and letting the water cover his sweaty body from the workout. He was tired, more tired than usual. He knew it had to do with those drugs they were giving him. It had been over three months and his workouts just weren't the same as they used to be. He struggled more to get through them, which he hated.

He floated in the water a couple more minutes looking up toward the house. That was something else that had changed. Sarah usually came out to greet him. He could see the changes in her as well over the past few weeks, in a lot of ways. The appetite they used to have in their lovemaking had shifted for one. He felt sometimes that the desire she used to have had gone astray and taken a backseat to what was really important now, and that was conceiving a baby. A baby that just wasn't coming. As their first year came to a close it seemed to be getting more and more difficult to overcome the disappointment and find the joy in their marriage that they used to have.

He came up the backyard still soaking wet, seeing her at the kitchen window making dinner. He had thought maybe she was upstairs and that's why she hadn't come out this time, but the truth was she just didn't want too.

He stood at the back door and stuck his head inside. "Could you toss me a towel?"

She continued on with what she was doing as if she didn't hear a word he'd said.

"Sarah!" he yelled, startling her.

She turned in his direction.

"Would you get me a towel?"

She didn't reply but just made her way to the laundry room, barely glancing at him as she passed. She handed him a towel and went back to the stove.

"Thank you."

He dried himself off and came inside, still waiting for some kind of greeting. She was acting odd. He tried to decipher if he had done something wrong, but couldn't think of anything, not to say that it would have made a difference. Lately it seemed like even the littlest things were pointed out negatively, but he couldn't complain too much since he was also guilty of that. The pressure of another doctor's appointment in a couple of days was weighing on him too so he knew it was on her mind as well. It would be their fourth pregnancy test since beginning the fertility treatments, and after each failed one they both left feeling drained, it was like starting from scratch every month. The optimism they both had started out with was getting tougher to support.

He decided to just try to get out in the open whatever was bothering her since the night was young and he didn't want to sit through dinner like this. First he had to see how mad she was.

"You want some help with dinner?"

She shook her head, stirring around the contents in the pan.

She wasn't even speaking to him, must be something serious he thought. He began to get a little irked by her childish behavior. "What did I do?"

"Nothing," she replied quietly.

He rolled his eyes, "Just tell me what I did and let me apologize and move on. I don't want to do this all night."

"You didn't do anything."

"Obviously I did because you won't even…"

"I got my period this afternoon," she blurted out.

He stared at her back as she stopped stirring. Her head fell forward and he could see her shoulders begin to tremble. Now he understood. He felt guilty for his accusation that she was mad, moving toward her. She glanced over her shoulder, hearing him cross the floor. She picked the spoon back up and started stirring again as if what she had just said was already forgotten.

"It's okay Steve. Go take a shower. Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes."

He stopped. His first reaction was rejection, but sadly he also couldn't deny that he was almost relieved. What would he say to her that he hadn't already said the last nine times.

She listened for him to go, hoping he wouldn't come to her. She felt bad for it, but she just couldn't right now. She bit her bottom lip, trying to fight off the hurt that was consuming her, breathing a sigh of relief as he made his way to the stairs. The tears streamed down her face. "Let it go," she told herself. "Next time. It'll happen next month for sure."

He stood at the top of the stairs before the turn and looked back at her. She picked up the dish towel beside her and wiped her eyes. Seeing his wife in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it was like living in a bad dream every day, wondering how many more he could tolerate. It was taking a toll on him, on her and worse yet, their marriage. Things that he used to enjoy were now categorized as almost a chore. She had to feel it too. He however couldn't do it anymore. They were a week shy of their first anniversary and it had been one of the happiest and one of the most difficult years of his life. His heart felt heavy over that thought, but it was undeniable. He wanted to stop trying for a while. He needed a break from all the stress, they both did before it was too late and they began to turn on each other.

He had to tell her soon. He just didn't know how.