Everything was a blur. Kevin remembered bright lights, a voice asking if he was okay, the sirens and flashing lights of emergency vehicles, and the crunching of metal as emergency crews struggled to get Sam out of the car.
Kevin knew that, compared to Sam, his injuries were minor. He had cuts and scratches, the EMT's had plucked some pieces of the windshield out of his skin. The ambulance ride felt like it would never end. There wasn't space for someone in there. "Are we almost there?" Kevin asks the EMT, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.
"Just a few more minutes," the EMT replied. They were driving to the nearest hospital, which was in the city.
"Did someone call my mom? And Sam's brother? His dad's on a business trip," Kevin fretted. Dean needed to know. His mom needed to know.
The EMT nodded. "Your mom and Sam's brother have both been contacted. They're already on their way to the hospital."
When they got to the hospital, Kevin was examined by the doctor. "Do you know if the other boy in the accident is okay?" Kevin asked and the doctor replied that he was unable to reveal that information. He needed stitches on the cut above his eye and a few of the deeper cuts on his arm. After he was cleared for discharge, he sat in the waiting room playing with his hands and trying to distract himself with anything he could find. He read all of the posters five times and every pamphlet he could find.
"Where is he?" Dean asked urgently as he strode in.
"I don't know," Kevin answered, following Dean as he marched towards the nurse's station.
"Sam Winchester. Where is he?" Dean demanded, staring fiercely at the nurse.
"Uh… right now he's in surgery…" the nurse replied nervously.
"Surgery?" Dean roared, "I need to talk to a doctor." The nurse fumbled as she paged a doctor. When Dean saw the doctor walking down the hall he charged towards him. "Sam Winchester, why is he in surgery?"
"He sustained some pretty serious injuries in the accident. We needed to do surgery to realign his spine, three of the vertebrae in the lower thoracic/upper lumbar region of his back are broken, causing potential damage to his spinal cord. We're not quite sure as to the extent of the damage. That will be determined after he gets out of surgery. He also has minor head trauma and quite a few broken bones," The doctor rambled.
"Okay, so when will he get out of surgery?" Dean asked.
"I'm not entirely sure, but if you wait in the waiting room, I'll come get you when he's in the recovery room," the doctor replied. After Dean nodded, he turned to tend to another patient.
Dean leaned against the wall of the hallway and slid to the floor in defeat, clenching his jaw to keep from crying. He felt so powerless. There was nothing he could do to help Sam, all he could do was wait. Kevin sat down beside him. "D… D… Dean, I… I'm sorry," he stammered through tears.
"It's not your fault, Kevin. It could've happened to anyone," Dean choked, feeling the tears building behind his eyes. "You're okay?" Kevin nodded. "Good." There were a million questions going through his mind. If Sam had injured his back, did that mean he'd need a wheelchair? Would he be able to walk? What would they do if he couldn't walk? He would be able to hunt, and he'd probably need to do some kind of rehabilitation therapy, but their dad wouldn't want to stay in one place that long.
When Linda got to the hospital, she ran to Kevin and threw her arms around him. "Thank God you're okay," She sighed. "How's Sam?" Kevin felt the lump in his throat, all he could do was shrug before he was unable to hold back his sobs. He crumpled to the floor and Linda sat down, pulling him close to her and rocking him back and forth. "It's okay," She whispered in his ear. "It's okay, he'll be okay."
Dean jumped to his feet when he saw the doctor come in the waiting room. "You can come with me," he motioned for them to follow him. "He's still out from surgery, but you can see him," the doctor said over his shoulder as he led them to Sam's room.
Seeing Sam for the first time was a shock. He had wires and tubes everywhere. His face and neck were cut by breaking glass and metal. It was unfair, Kevin thought. He had gotten off with barely a scratch. Sam's entire right side looked like it had been crushed. The doctor told them that Sam had a broken collar bone, wrist, and a few broken ribs, all on the right side… It was a hard to look at, Sam all broken and bruised, but no matter how hard he tried, Kevin couldn't look away.
"Can I have a moment with him?" Dean asked, breaking the silence. "I need to call my dad, and I'd rather not do it in the hall with everyone listening."
"Sure thing, sweetie," Linda said gently, leading Kevin out into the hall. "Take as long as you need." They sat on the chairs outside the door and Kevin leaned his head onto his mother's shoulder.
Dean picked up his phone and dialled his dad's number, he was not look forward to this. The call went through to voicemail, so Dean took a deep breath and tried to hide the tears in his voice. "Hey, Dad. It's Dean, Sam's been in an accident. We're not sure how badly he's injured right now, but he has lots of broken bones and he needed surgery on his spine. Call me back or just come as soon as you can." He wasn't sure if he sounded normal or not. It only took a few minutes before his dad called back. "Dad, you need to come right away," He said when he picked up the phone.
"Is he gonna be okay?" John asked.
"Uh, yeah, I think so. You should get here and talk to the doctor," Dean suggested.
"Dean, I can't just leave. I'm close to getting the thing that killed your mother. Just keep me posted, I'll come when I can," John responded before hanging up.
Dean stared at his phone in disbelief. What was he supposed to do? He didn't know how to handle this situation… He called Bobby, who picked up on the second ring. When he explained what happened, Bobby said he'd be there as soon as possible. "Oh, Sammy," Dean whispered, sitting on the chair beside the bed. "Please be okay." He gingerly touched his brother's wrist, trying not to touch any of the tubes or wires.
A nurse came in to check Sam's vitals, giving Dean a sad smile when he looked up at her. When she left, Dean told Kevin and Linda that they could come back in and returned to his chair. They sat in silence, listening to the sounds of the machines that Sam was hooked up to. "If you want to go home, you can. You don't need to sit here," Dean told them.
"No," Kevin replied quickly. "No, I want to stay here."
Dean looked at Linda, "If you need to leave to go to work tomorrow or something, I can bring him back whenever."
"Yeah, I have work at 8," She glanced at the clock. By the time she got home, she'd only be able to get 3 hours of sleep. "But I'll come back on Sunday morning. I hope the damage isn't bad. Goodnight, Dean. I love you, Kevin."
"I love you too, Mom," Kevin mumbled as she kissed his head.
Dean and Kevin sat in silence, watching the machines, watching Sam's chest rise and fall. "Oh my god," a voice came from the door. Before Dean knew it, he had Bobby's arms around him and was crying into the older man's shoulder. "How is he?"
"He's recovering. We won't know until the doctor does a few more tests. They're waiting for the anesthetic to wear off. It should be in a few hours," Dean replied. "Oh, Bobby, this is Kevin, Sam's boyfriend. Kevin, this is our uncle Bobby."
"This ain't how I wanted to meet you, son. You were in the accident, too?" Bobby drawled.
"Me neither… yeah, I was driving," Kevin responded quietly.
"Well, it's good that you're okay. This wasn't your fault, so don't blame yourself," Bobby assured the boy.
Sam woke up at about 6 that morning. "D…Dean," he croaked. "Dean?"
"Sammy!" Dean exclaimed, standing to lean over his brother and push the call button for the nurse. "How are you feeling?"
"Uh… tired. We were in an accident, me and Kevin, is he okay? Where's Kevin?" Sam asked, his voice sounding panicked.
"I'm right here, Sam," Kevin cooed, standing on the other side of the bed and gently touching Sam's cheek. Sam smiled when he saw Kevin. "I'm okay," Kevin noticed Sam looking at the cut above Kevin's eyebrow, "and now I'll have a cool scar." He laughed.
Just then, a nurse walked in. "Hi, Sam. You're awake," she smiled. "I've just got to take your vitals, and then the doctor will be in to see you."
A few minutes after the nurse left, the doctor walked in. He was tall, with greying hair. "Hello, Sam. I'm Dr. Andrews," he began. "I'm going to bring you up to speed with what's happened so far and what's going to happen, alright?" Sam nodded. "Do you want your family to stay with you or do you want to talk, just us?"
"Uhh, I'd like them to stay," Sam replied timidly. He was nervous about what the doctor would tell him. He knew that he had broken some bones but his body hurt all over, so he wasn't sure on the specifics.
"Last night, when you came in we did several x-rays and noticed that three of the vertebrae in your back were broken. We needed to get you into surgery and fuse the bones back together before it caused irreversible damage to your spinal cord. The broken vertebrae were the bottom two thoracic vertebrae and the first lumbar vertebrae. This is the injury that is the most worrying. The right side of your collarbone, your right wrist and two of your ribs are broken as well," Dr. Andrews explained. "Now, today we are going to do a few tests to see how extensive the damage to your spinal cord is. We're going to do a neurological examination of your legs. We're going to be checking the sensory and motor systems. Luckily, the broken vertebrae are in your lower back, which means that no matter how bad the damage is, your arms won't be affected."
Sam didn't know how to respond. The doctor had basically said that he might never walk again. He tried to think positively, telling himself that it could have been worse. His back could have broken higher and he wouldn't be able to use his arms either. And maybe he'd still be able to use his legs. He could feel everyone's eyes on him, waiting for him to say something or do something. Sam opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. "W...w…will I be able to walk again?" he finally stammered.
Dr. Andrews hesitated for a minute before saying, "Well, that really depends on the severity of the damage. There are two main kinds of spinal cord injuries, complete and incomplete. If it's a complete injury you won't be able to walk or feel your legs. If it's an incomplete injury, you may be able to move them, you may feel them, or parts of them. It's hard to know before we do the tests. Are you ready to start?"
Sam nodded and managed to choke out, "Yeah." Dr. Andrews said that it's best if no one else is in the room, and Sam agreed that Dean, Kevin, and Bobby should wait outside. He was nervous, but he didn't want everyone's expectant eyes on him the entire time.
The first thing the doctor did was ask if he felt any numbness or tingling. "All I feel is pain. No numbness or tingling," Sam answered. The doctor marked it on his clip board.
"First, we're going to see if your motor system still works. I know that you're sore, but I'm going to ask you to face your body towards me and sit on the edge of the bed," Dr. Andrews suggested.
Sam tried to move his legs, but they felt dead. He pushed on the bed with his left hand to turn his body towards the doctor and his legs fell off the edge of the bed, gritting his teeth so he wouldn't cry out from the pain of the IV in his hand. Dr. Andrews wrote on his clip board again. Sam was worried, what if he couldn't move his legs? What would he do? He couldn't be a hunter if he was in a wheelchair. True, he didn't want to be a hunter, but he didn't want to be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life either.
"Okay, now can you lift your right leg for me?" Dr. Andrews asked. Sam stared at his leg, willing it to move, but it didn't. No matter how hard he thought about moving his leg, all it did was dangle there. Sam sighed, trying to hold back tears. "How about your left?" Sam tried to move it and when it didn't move, he could feel tears streaming down his face. "Can you try moving your ankles?" Sam wiped the tears from his eyes. Nothing would move. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't move anything.
"We're going to try the touch test now, okay?" Sam nodded tearfully to the doctor's question. "I'm going to ask you to close your eyes and let me know when you feel me touching you, alright?" Sam closed his eyes. "This is pointless" Sam thought. "The results are just going to be the same as the last test. A big fat nothing." Sam was surprised when he felt something on his leg. He could still feel his legs… well, part of them, at least. The test continued and, to Sam's relief, the results were much better than the previous test.
They did a few more tests to see if Sam could feel pin pricks, temperature, the position of his body, and vibrations. The doctor flipped through his clip board, double checking to make sure he'd covered everything. "Well, Sam, the good news is that your sensory system hasn't sustained as much damage as your motor system. However, there still is significant damage to both systems. Over the first 24 hours after a spinal cord injury, we like to keep an eye on it, see if there's any improvement. If there's improvement in the first 24 hours, there's a higher chance of regaining mobility. I'll come back in a few hours and we'll see if there's any change, okay?" Dr. Andrews informed him.
When the doctor left the room, Kevin and Dean rushed in. "So?" Dean asked. "What happened?" Sam knew that they were probably waiting anxiously for the doctor to finish doing all of the tests.
"I still have some feeling in my legs," Sam paused, hoping to say the next part without crying. "But I can't move them." Neither Kevin nor Dean knew what to say. "He said that we're going to monitor it because there's a chance I could get some of the mobility back, but…" his voice broke.
"Sam, I'm sorry…" Kevin whispered. "I…"
"Kevin, it's not your fault. It could have happened to anyone," Sam interrupted. "This is just another challenge I have to face. At least I know that the people who love me will be here to help me to get through it."
"Kevin, can I talk to Sam alone, please?" Dean asked. Kevin looked at Sam and when he nodded Kevin went to sit outside again. When the door was closed, Dean turned back to Sam. "What are we going to do about this? You can't be on the road constantly, you'll need a place to fully recover and adapt to whatever you end up needing. And there's no way Dad is going to stay in one spot. People will ask why Dad doesn't just settle down, what are we going to say?"
"Dean, can we not talk about this right now? I'm already trying to get used to the idea of being in a wheelchair, I really can't think about stuff like that right now," Sam replied, closing his eyes so he wouldn't cry. Kevin knocked gently on the door.
"Hey, so I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I heard everything you just said and if your dad absolutely can't settle down, Sam could probably stay with us," Kevin suggested, standing in the doorway. "I mean, I haven't asked my mom, but we have a lot of extra space. Then you wouldn't have to switch schools or anything, you'd just need to focus on getting better."
"Maybe…" Dean said, "maybe that would work."
"If you don't mind me asking, why can't your dad settle down? What exactly does your dad do?" Kevin pried.
"He's a travelling salesman," Dean answered a little too quickly.
"Dean, can you go get food or something so I can talk to Kevin?" It was more of an order, and Dean knew what he was going to do and knew there was nothing he could do to stop him, so he left the room, making sure the door was closed when he did.
"What is it?" Kevin replied, looking perplexed.
Sam took a deep breath. "I haven't been quite honest with you about my family. My dad isn't a salesman, he's a hunter."
"A hunter?" Kevin repeated. "Like, bears and deer and stuff?"
Sam chuckled softly, "I wish. He hunts monsters. Supernatural creatures. Things that most people think are just myths, like vampires and demons."
Kevin stared at Sam for a moment, like he was trying to figure out whether or not he was telling the truth. Sam looked so sincere, like there was no way he was lying. But vampires were fake. The supernatural didn't exist. "Are you joking?" was all Kevin could muster.
"I'm not. I wish I was. All of those creatures that you think are just stories or legends, they exist. And we hunt them," Sam stated. It was so matter-of-fact that Kevin felt like he'd be stupid not to believe him.
"Okay… I believe you. That still doesn't explain why he can't stop. Can't he quit and just get a normal job?" Kevin responded.
"Well, when I was a baby something supernatural killed my mother, and he won't rest until he finds it. That's the real reason he hunts, he's looking for it, and he kills everything he finds along the way," Sam stated.
"I see. So all of your life, you've just been moving from place to place, searching for this thing?" Kevin questioned. Sam nodded. "Wow, I can't even imagine. I can ask my mom if you can stay with us. It's the least I can do, considering…"
"Kevin. I said it before… this is not your fault," Sam promised. "Now get over here," he motioned for Kevin to sit on the edge of the bed. He pulled the smaller boy towards him and gently kissed his lips.
"I'm going to be by your side the whole time," Kevin whispered, tenderly caressing Sam's cheek.
"I know," Sam smiled and leaned his head into Kevin's hand. "I'm scared, Kevin," Sam murmured soberly. "I don't know what's going to happen and there's nothing I can do to change it."
"It's going to be okay. I'll be with you every step of the way. I promise," Kevin soothed. "I know that you can get through this, you're strong. You can do this." He leaned over and gave Sam a soft kiss.
When the doctor came in a few hours later, there had been no change in the motor functions of Sam's legs. He could feel his heart drop into his stomach. If things hadn't improved by now, they probably wouldn't. The doctor said there was a possibility he might regain some of the mobility, but at this point it wasn't very likely. Sam tried to stay positive, tried to convince himself that everything would be okay. Being in a wheelchair didn't mean he couldn't do anything.
Sam was in the hospital for ten days before he was discharged. He was happy to get out of the hospital, but he was nervous about being back in the "real world." His dad had finished up his hunt and was going to be meeting Linda that evening. Kevin sat with Sam in the back of the car as they drove back.
They got to the house and Kevin wheeled Sam to the guest room. Things felt a little awkward. Sam was scared of having to relearn how to do everything. He'd adjusted well when he was in the hospital, but now he needed to learn how to do everything again. Kevin sat down on the bed facing Sam.
"You know I'll be right beside you," Kevin said, taking Sam's hand.
Sam nodded and mustered a smile. "I'm just nervous about my dad coming here. And going back to school this week."
"You know you don't have to go back this week, you can wait however long you want and I can just get your homework and stuff," Kevin suggested.
"Yeah, but if I'm here alone, I won't be able to go anywhere. I still can't push myself," He replied, gesturing to his right arm. "And besides, I want the distraction."
"Well, it's almost time for dinner. Do you want to go to the living room to wait for your dad?" Kevin asked, checking his watch.
"If it's okay, I'd rather stay in here with you a little longer. I'm not ready to wait for my dad," Sam answered.
Kevin squeezed Sam's hand and kissed it. "We can stay in here as long as you want." Sam smiled and squeezed his hand back.
"Thanks," Sam sighed tiredly. "I just… I'm scared of facing everything. I have to learn to do everything again, including going to the bathroom. And I can't even use both of my arms. I feel like I'm just a huge burden now." Sam looked down. He tried to keep up a strong exterior, but it was hard sometimes. When he was in the hospital, they'd told him that he'd go through a period of mourning. He wanted things to be the way they were.
"Sam, look at me," Kevin murmured, gently guiding Sam's head so they were looking eye-to-eye. "I promise, you're not a burden. I can't even pretend to know how you feel. I can't imagine what it's like, but it's okay to be scared. If you need anything, just ask me. I'll be there to help you no matter what. I still feel like this is my fault, so I will be with you every step of the way."
"It's not your fault," Sam told the smaller boy. "We have each other. I'll help you deal with the guilt while you help me adjust to being in a wheelchair, okay?"
"Okay," Kevin whispered before leaning over and placing a gentle kiss onto his boyfriend's lips. There was a sharp knock at the door and Sam tried to swallow the lump in his throat.
"Let's go," Sam mumbled. Kevin carefully pushed Sam's wheelchair out to the living room, where John and Dean were waiting. "Hi, Dad," Sam said timidly.
"Sam," John gasped. "H…how are you feeling, considering?" Sam could see the shock on his father's face. Even though he knew Sam was in a wheelchair, it didn't feel real until he saw his son.
"Well, you know… I'm just happy I'm alive," Sam replied. Things felt so awkward between him and his dad. He knew he should introduce Kevin, but he didn't want to just say that they were friends. Kevin had assured Sam that he was okay with it, but he didn't want to lie. On the other hand, if he told his dad the truth, he would never talk to Sam again. "Would that be a bad thing?" Sam wondered. His dad was leaving anyway. "Dad, this is my…" Sam paused, not sure what to say. He took a deep breath, "My boyfriend, Kevin. Kevin this is my dad."
Everyone was silent for a moment. Dean and Kevin couldn't believe what Sam had just said. That wasn't the plan. Finally, John broke the silence, "I'm sorry… did you say boyfriend?"
"Yes," Sam stated plainly. He took Kevin's hand. "I want to be honest with you. I couldn't hide it from you forever, so I figured I'd just come right out with it." He couldn't read his dad's face. He knew it was a lot to take in, Sam being in a wheelchair and dating a guy.
"I… I don't know what to say. Uh…" John trailed off, "I'm… I'm happy for you. At least you have someone to help you get through this."
Sam stared at his dad in disbelief. That was not the reaction he'd prepared himself for. He was expecting yelling, anger, or some kind of homophobic response, not this. They were all sitting in awkward silence when Linda walked in and announced that dinner was ready.
They sat around the table and no one really knew what to say. The only sound was that of forks on plates. Occasionally, someone would clear their throat, trying to see if someone would say something. After dinner was over and they had cleaned up, John asked if he could have some alone time with his sons. The three of them went outside to have a family talk.
"Sam. I didn't want to say this inside or in front of Kevin, but I'm really disappointed in you. I can't believe my own son is gay. I don't want you to contact me anymore. I'm leaving, and that's that. I don't want to see you again. Ever," John growled.
That was the reaction that Sam had expected. He wasn't sure if he cared or not. His dad was hardly ever around, and Sam was going to be living with the Trans now anyway. It wasn't like it would make that big of a difference in his everyday life. He had bigger problems than his dad.
"Dean, are you coming with me?" John asked.
"Yeah, Dad, I'll come. Text me where you're going and I'll catch up in a little bit," Dean answered and John walked away. "Why would you tell Dad?"
"I didn't want to lie. It won't make that much of a difference, he's always gone anyway and he wouldn't have visited me, even if I wasn't with Kevin," Sam shrugged.
Dean shook his head. "I need to take a few notes from you sometimes, Sammy. Let's go inside," He said, turning his brother around.
"You're not leaving now?"
"I'll leave in a few hours. I want a little more time before we say goodbye," Dean replied.
"Where's your dad?" Kevin inquired when Sam and Dean came inside.
"Uh, he left. He wasn't too thrilled I'm dating a guy and now he doesn't want to see me," Sam responded. "It's not surprising."
"I'm sorry, sweetie," Linda apologized. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
"Thanks. I'd rather do something to get my mind off everything. Do you guys want to play a board game?" Sam suggested, knowing they'd all agree. Everyone pitied him and did whatever he wanted to, which he didn't mind sometimes, but he hated the looks everyone gave him. They looked at him with such sad eyes, like he was broken. It got annoying pretty quickly, and he knew that when he went back to school, he'd be getting sad looks from everyone.
They spent the evening playing Sorry. Sam looked at everyone around him. They were all smiling and laughing, it almost felt like everything was normal. Oh, how he wished it was. He didn't want to be in the chair. Part of him, the part he tried to hide, was angry about what happened. He knew that if he talked about it, everyone would understand, but it would only make Kevin feel guiltier. He couldn't stop asking why. Why did it have to be him? Why did the truck have to hit them? Why couldn't he have been one of the lucky ones? Why, why, why…
It was getting late, so Dean announced that it was time for him to leave. He said goodbye to Linda and Kevin before turning to Sam. "Sammy, I'm going to come visit you whenever I can, I promise. I want you to text me every day, let me know how you're doing. You're strong and brave you'll get through this." They hugged awkwardly. "And Kevin," Dean added, "Don't hurt him."
"Goodbye, Dean. I'll… I'll see you the next time you're around, I guess," Sam said. He didn't want his brother to leave. Dean was the only constant thing in his life, and now he wouldn't be there. Dean nodded and left. "I'm tired, can you bring me to my room?" Sam asked.
"Sure thing," Kevin answered. "Do you think you'll need help changing?"
"Uh, maybe," Sam replied bashfully. He missed being independent. He missed being able to do things for himself. It would take a while to adjust to needing help with everything. Kevin helped Sam get on his pajama pants, Sam insisted on sleeping shirtless. After helping Sam into bed, Kevin checked if he needed anything else before he left. "Can you stay with me? I… I don't want to be alone," Sam admitted.
"Of course," Kevin murmured, crawling into bed with Sam. He wrapped his arms around the larger boy, his front as close to Sam's back as he could get.
Sam had missed being close to Kevin. Since the accident, they hadn't been able to just be together. Sam missed feeling Kevin's warmth, missed feeling his warm breath against his skin. Kevin gently kissed Sam's back. "I love you, Sam," he whispered.
"I love you, too."