I woke to the noise of a loud pounding downstairs. Of course it was the door, but considering the state of the town I think I can be justified in hesitating before heading down to look. I crawled out of bed, hoping not to dislodge the other inhabitant and pulled on a robe before heading down to answer. I checked the peephole to ensure I would not go blind from opening the door and smirked to myself.
I opened the door wide for my guest and hung off the wood. It's almost luxurious allowing myself to act as I once did simply for amusement. With Henry out bonding with his felon of a father in New York, I've found the distraction far more enjoyable than it could have been otherwise. "Good morning deputy Nolan, may I help you with something?" I purred, happy to note that my voice was still rough from sleep.
"Oh God we are not going through this again." He put his hands up by his head and rushed past me like he was giving himself blinders. It was a rather ridiculous look for him, but everything is ridiculous about David Nolan, from his shabby leather boots to his puppy love for our dear Mary Margaret. "I need to know what's going on right now Regina." He attempted to glare at me but he was too close to tears for it to carry any weight. Good Lord this man is pathetic.
"I'm afraid you'll have to explain further Deputy, as you can see I only woke up a few moments ago, so you will have to enlighten me before I can aid you." I loved the look on his face. it was everything I loved to see on an enemy's face. Frustration and just a hint of green around the edges of his mouth. It had come to be the new deputy's standard expression since this fiasco had begun. Perhaps that opening act was a little over the top.
"I just." He shut his eyes and groaned, "Oh God I just had to arrest Rumpelstiltskin and.. And MY WIFE for having… For… Things! They were… You need to fix this Regina!" He stabbed a finger in my direction. "I cannot.. I have seen over half this town with waaaayy more intimacy than I ever wanted to. She had.. She had her tongue down his throat! I mean what kind of woman just. Snow wouldn't do that!
"I can kinda believe Ruby and Belle, I can even pretend to get how Kathryn and that.. Whoever he was the blacksmith got together. But did you really think I wouldn't suspect you after seeing Granny and.." He shuddered in absolute horror, "I understand revenge, but what in the name of all that is holy made you think I ever needed to see Granny and Mother Goose stripping each other on top of my own cruiser?!" The poor boy sounded ready to cry, and I had to bite back a laugh.
Perhaps I had gone too far, but the way his eyes bugged out of his skull had been worth every mildly traumatizing moment of the venture. "Perhaps you should just go home for the day Sheriff, you sound quite unhinged. If you're done throwing around groundless accusations, I need to go devour your daughter."
Green is not exactly the word for the color David turned. Chartreuse perhaps, or maybe a nice lime. Either way I worried for a second that he would ruin my clothing, however Prince Charming seems to be in possession of a rather strong stomach. "You need to stop this Regina." His voice was too weak for it to be a demand, but I think that is exactly what he intended for it to be. "Before I…" The greenish hue lightened as his eyes traveled down my form.
"Oh no. Good Lord no, I don't-" The warmth spread through him and I could feel the heat his eyes imbued everywhere they lingered. David reached out as if in a trance. His warm hands settled on my breasts and for a moment I remembered why I had started this. Doubts crept in as his lips glued to my neck. "Oh.. Oh I see where Emma inherited her talents." I gasped, pressing my hands to his chest. I couldn't decide whether it was to push him away or pull him closer.
The decision was made for me when Emma came stumbling down the stairs. "What the hell?!" She shouted. Emma ripped open the front door, yanked away her father and shoved him out on his backside. She slammed the door shut and locked it, ensuring he could do no more than bang on the wood once more. I watched all of this with a mixture of shame, and amusement. Considering sex with that shepherd just to taunt his wife was beneath me, but his daughter? She might be someone out of whom I might consider making a regular partner.
She shoved me against the wall and growled in my ear, "You are mine Regina." Her teeth and tongue washed away any hint of her father and we resumed what hadn't stopped since her father had arrested us. Oh yes, this is definitely the best idea I've ever had.
The pounding on the door stopped as soon as David had a moment without the object of his affections. He stared down at his hands in horror, and ran. Ran as far and fast as he possibly could, only stopping once to empty his stomach in Regina's rose bushes. He had to get this whole thing under control before anything worse happened.