Star Warz
Episode OMG:
Copycat Dawn
aka
The Return of Looming Loomers
It is a time of peace. For 3 years, not one major conflict has arisen in the galaxy. Facing immense boredom, the Jedi separate to find new things to do.
With Joseph a bounty hunter, Will & Sara married, Anna & Copeland wanderers, Squishy successful, and Jared better off dead, things are looking nice. With the creation of Jawa Home, Squishy's ginormous space station, great progress in peace and intergalactic exchange are achieved along with the peaceful alliance of the once-ferocious Ssi-Ruuk race.
However, a shadow looms at the edge of the galaxy. A newthreat eyes the galaxy with interest and moves ever closer to it. In time, this new evil shall be revealed as an enemy unlike any the galaxy has seen before...
(Show Yavin 4 orbit. Turn down to jungle. Close-up of wildlife as a shadow appears over them. Animals scurry as an overview of the jungle shows more shadows spaced apart. Back into space where there are black shapes over the surface. Switch to Kashykk, where Wookies look up to see more black shapes and shadows. Turn now to Rodia, then to one of its biggest casinos. 2 people in robes are walking on a walkway out of the casino: tall and dour-looking Copeland, and stout but chipper Anna)
Copeland: (Looking into a bag) Great... 200,000 credits down the drain, at the same place.
Anna: Don't worry. (Pulls out card) With these accounts, we can lose all the money we want.
Copeland: Yeah, well, what would be the point of coming to a casino? We might as well throw that money in the ocean.
Anna: Maybe we will on the next planet.
Copeland: (Grumbles)
Anna: (Pats his head) Relax. You know I love you. (Gives him kiss. They arrive at a spaceport)
Anna: Huh. Do you remember where we parked?
Copeland: Hold on I'll check.
(Pulls out remote, pushes button and a bleep bleep reveals their ship's location. They get in and take their seats in the cockpit)
Anna: (Stretches a bit) Well, that was fun.
Copeland: I found it a bit disappointing.
Anna: At least Squishy isn't here to dog you about it.
Copeland: Any occasion without Squishy is a good one.
Anna: See? You're feeling better already.
(Copeland checks panel and notices shadow outside. Pokes head out viewport)
Copeland: What's this idiot doing? Hey! Moron! Clear the airspace!
Anna: (Pokes out head) Huh, I don't recognize that ship type. (Things start brightening) I wonder what that glowing thing is?
(Area gets far brighter, and there is a growing whirring sound)
Copeland: Ohh...
(Switch to space where explosions dot the planet surface. More shapes loom toward the atmosphere and a shape blocks the view. Turn to Coruscant, then to planet surface where the buildings glisten and the skyways are packed. Turn to a high rise suite where Will is sitting down watching the Hologrid. Sara walks in)
Sara: Are you planning to sit here all day long?
Will: Maybe. I can't think of anything else to do.
Sara: Look at you: all lazy and such. It's as if someone pumped you full of estrogen.
Will: Why the hostility? Have you been talking to Jo? How is that creep?
Sara: No, Will, I haven't been talking to Jo. Listen, all I'm saying is that we should go out. How 'bout lunch somewhere nice?
Will: (Gets up and turns off Hologrid) I don't know. Traffic seems packed and I have to find something to wear.
Sara: Please, Will. Pleasseeeeee... (Hugs Will)
Will: Oh alright, we'll go out. (Returns hug. A beeping goes off and Will pushes a button on a box) Yeah, what do you want? You're interrupting a very intimate moment here.
Voice: Yes, well, you've been arranged for a meeting with the governor in 30 minutes.
Will: Too early. You know I don't get up until 4.
Voice: Yes, well, you have to come nonetheless. Lady Sara, you are to come as well. See you then. (Cuts off)
Will: Great. Now I have to find something to wear.
Sara: Don't worry; we'll have lunch afterwards. It'll be fine.
Will: I know it will. (Gives kiss. Turn to outside Coruscant political headquarters, then turn to meeting room with Sara, Will, and the Governor standing around a long table)
Governor: Thank you for coming to this quota meeting. Sleep well?
Will: Yeah, I did.
Governor: Swell then! Now let's look over the various city statistics of the last month. Crime?
Sara: Low.
Gov: Murder?
Will: Nada.
Gov: Economy?
Sara: Looking great.
Gov: Hostilities between races?
Will: Zip.
Gov: Terrorism?
Sara: Has fallen into myth, sir.
Gov: Well gosh darn it! Things are downright peaceful around here!
Will: Hey, what's with you sounding more assertive?
Gov: Oh, all this quiet is riling me up and making me antsy for some action! What we need is something to spice things around here so I can unleash my political prowess, and shout out to the galaxy that I am-
(An escape pod crashes through the room making much mess, noise and dust)
Gov: Noooooo! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!
Intern: Sir, put down the binky! You're a grown man, darn it!
Gov: Mummy... mummy...
Sara: What the freak just happened!?
Will: I don't know! I think it it landed in the next room; come on!
(They trudge through wreckage and dust to find the pod within a crater. A leg kicks open the hatch and Copeland and Anna crawl out)
Sara: Alex? Anna? What happened? Why're you here?
Copeland: Ugh... some water would be nice.
Anna: (Pouting) They stole my boots!©
Will: Let's get them out of here.
(Turn to an apartment room where Anna and Cope are recovering with blankets and cocoa. Sara, Will, the Governor and his Intern are there as well)
Anna: Man, that's some good cocoa.
Will: So what happened to you guys?
Copeland: We were attacked on Rodia.
Sara: Rodia? By who?
Copeland: I don't know! We were barely able to escape our ship before it got blasted, so their identities were the least of our worries.
Anna: Their ships were black and round, with really big and shiny lasers underneath them.
Sara: Black round ships...
Anna: Yeah, they were blowing up everything in sight as we ran. We were able to get on a blockade runner that was just leaving and the sight from space... oh my god, what a sight. Before we hit hyperspace, more of those ships were coming from everywhere.
Will: So Rodia is lost?
Cope: We can only assume. It's just lucky the pilot recognized us as Jedi and got us out of there fast.
Sara: Then what happened?
Anna: We told the pilot to head straight to Kuat so we could alert Coruscant, and he agreed. Yet when we got there, the ship yards were overrun by those things and the planet was under fire. Then - they must've followed us - the ship was bombarded and attacked. Alerts were going out about boarders, and the ship was constantly shaking. We were too busy running from explosions to see what was boarding, though. Me and Alex got to the pods and ejected immediately. Not too long after, we saw the ships detach and the blockade runner explode. With no alternative, we set course for Coruscant and drifted for days. It was just fortunate we managed to land here while the planetary shields were down.
(Will and Sara give the Governor a look)
Gov: (Looking ashamed) Well, with no war going on, I didn't see the point...
Will: Well that's behind us now. Right now, it's official we've lost two planets, possibly more. What's our course of action, guys?
Sara: We should contact the others and warn them. Squishy will be easy, but we don't know where Jo is, or whatever happened to Jared. And planetary defenses here need to be readied as well.
Copeland: I don't know if we can ready ourselves fast enough. They sure can keep up pretty quick despite such small craft.
Will: We can still try, darn it!
Anna: Please, stop! All this unnecessary bickering is giving me a headache.
Gov: (Looking out window) Say, is that Squishy friend of yours supposed to be coming here today?
Sara: No, why?
Gov: It seems some of his weird ships have come.
Anna & Cope: What!?
(All go to window. Outside various ships, mostly saucers, descend and hover over the city)
Cope: Oh, My, God!
(Lights appear beneath the ships and start blasting buildings, creating chaos. Soon more ships appear in the sky)
Anna: Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crapppp!
Gov: This isn't good. This isn't good. This isn't good. Oh, I can't face this crap again.
Cope: Calm down, Governor. It was bound to happen. Will, what do we do?
Will: Alright, let me think. Intern! Contact Ted and the others and have them leave the planet and go somewhere far and secluded until they get orders from us. Sara, we need to get back to the suite to get our lightsabers. You guys have yours?
Anna: Yeah, we do.
Will: Good. Okay people, we all must move out as quickly as possible. Who knows when they'll touch down for raids.
Intern: Sir! Ted and his men have been given the orders and are leaving now.
Will: Good! Let's move out! That means you too, Governor.
Gov: Oh man. I'm not cut out for this sort of crap.
(Turn back outside where more chaos ensues and the ships are getting lower. Turn to suite, where the group arrives)
Sara: Hurry up, Will!
Will: I've got 'em! (Throws her a saber) Right, let's leave.
Intern: YAAAAAAHHH! (Show Intern running into room) Icky alien invaders! (Runs to balcony and falls off screaming)
Copeland: You moron!
(Door blows apart and amid the dust are small figures with glowing eyes. One raises a gun that charges up)
All: Governor!
(The gun fires. Will jumps but misses and crashes as the bolt hits the Governor's head. After a flash we see the Governor bald)
Gov: YeeAAAAAHH! I'm, completely bald! (Faints)
Cope: We've got to go! Now!
Sara: But what about the Gov-
Cope: Leave him! We must go! (They all run to the balcony) We'll go down the side of the building.
(They leap from balcony to balcony down the building. They soon pass the Intern, whose leg is caught in wire and is hanging upside down)
Intern: Umm... hey, can someone help me? I appear to be stuck and can't seem to get out. Hellooo? Anyone? (Lights surround him) NOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO BE ABDUCTED! (Gets pulled up offscreen. Now show more overviews of people stampeding, explosions and lots of fire. Also many people are being sucked up into some of the saucers. Turn to the Jedi as they reach a wrecked hanger)
Will: We got to keep moving.
Sara: Wait! Why can't we take the royal shuttle?
Will: Can't go far enough. We need something faster.
(They keep moving. There are screams and explosions galore. They soon find a Naboo shuttle)
Will: Thank God for Gungan Charity Week. Get on!
(They run in and buckle up. The ship soon lifts off and leaves the hanger before there's a huge explosion. They zip through the crumbling city and exploding ships. Finally they hit space and speed away)
Sara: (Looking out) My God... it's full of ships.
(After they go off into hyperspace, we see hundreds and hundreds of ships descend unto the burning planet. Later we see the shuttle return to regular, empty space)
Anna: So, why are we out here? What are you planning?
Will: Okay, though some of you won't like this, there is only one person who can help us. We have to go to Squishy.
Cope: Wait! No, there's got to be somebody else, just anybody but that pest!
Sara: He's got a point, Alex. We would go to Jo, but we don't know where he is, and Squishy is always in his one place.
Anna: Besides, knowing him, he may still be standing after all this.
Will: So face it: we have no choice. I'm contacting him. (Will dials a number while Cope sits grumpily back. After a while a holoscreen pulls up, showing a business-type Twi'lek woman)
Lady: Squishy Enterprises: how may I help you?
Will: Yeah, I'd like to speak to Squishy right now if possible.
Lady: And may I ask who is speaking?
Will: Uh, this is Will, along with his Jedi pals. We really want to talk to him right now.
Lady: (Looks at something) I'm sorry. I see no appointments involving a "Will and Jedi pals".
Anna: Ohh, move over! (Shoves aside Will) Listen here, princess! We've had a rough day, and the fate of the galaxy is hanging in the balance! We demand to speak to your boss right now or else!
Lady: Please, ma'am, there's no point in yelling. Just give me your name and I'll arrange an appointment for you.
?: (Offscreen) Hey, who's that on the line?
Lady: No one, sir. Just someone named Will and friends.
?: Who? Will!? What the freak are you doing!? Move aside you bimbo!
(A short Jawa knocks the lady offscreen and takes up the chair)
Squishy: Well speak of the devil whom I don't worship. Anna, Will! How the heck are you? What's the reason for this pleasant transmission out of the blue?
Will: It's nice to see you too, Squish. Listen, we need a place to stay. Bad things are going down.
Squishy: Bad things? Like what?
Will: It's a long story, but there's a new enemy involved, and we've lost Coruscant.
Squishy: WHAT!? Coruscant! To think I was just planning a surprise visit for you there. Is Sara alright?
Sara: (Leans in) I'm alright, Squishy.
Squishy: Oh, phew, glad to see you're okay too. But uh, yeah, that doesn't sound too good what's going on. But don't worry; you come right over and we can talk things over while you relax. Where are you now?
Will: Some empty patch of space a good distance from Coruscant.
Squishy: Well it might take a while for you to get here, but our doors will always be open for you.
Will: Nice to hear that. See you then. (Screen turns off)
Sara: Well that wasn't so bad ,Alex.
Cope: He doesn't know I'm here yet.
Anna: Oh boy...
(They re-enter hyperspace. After a long while they return to normal space)
Will: Okay. Coming in on final approach.
Sara: Gee. I've never been here before. I wonder what it's like.
Anna: Well we're about to find out.
(Soon we see an approaching circular station of mass proportions)
Sara: Whoa... that thing's big.
Voice: Hello, and welcome to Jawa Home. Please follow the beacons to your designated hanger.
(The ship glides into a large hanger. Once they land they step out to find Squishy waiting for them)
Squishy: Welcome! Welcome to my humble abode! It's so good to see you Will and Sara! Anna, of all people to be here on such an occasion! (Gives neutral look to Cope) Oh, I see you came as well.
Cope: Don't make this any harder than this already is.
Squishy: Okay, then I'll just all of you a pleasant little tour. You really need to come here more often, but as it is, I'll have to show you the whole facility.
(They leave the hanger and enter a wide hall with a nice skylight. Prepare for much reading)
Squishy: As you know, Jawa Home is the ultimate achievement in racial diversity and recreation. Over the past few years, this place has grown to a mini-empire of sorts. (Pass some aliens) While the residents are mostly Jawas, this place is a cornucopia of various races. Turn here. (Enter a room of different halls and a map) Thanks to Ithorian technicians and my creative genius, this place has been fitted with specific living areas that are comfortable to any and all races who come here, even Hutts. My personal favorite is the Mon Calamari suite because, heck, who doesn't like the ocean? For now, let's just move on to my office. (They go down one hall) Not only is this a place of fun and creativity, but it is also headquarters for some of my more charitable work. We all know the devastation Mon Calamari faced with that whole resurrected Emperor hoopla, and I am working to rebuild what was lost there. Also, I have donated a wind cathedral to Vortex, and I'm currently in the progress of helping those who have suffered from the destruction of the 13 planets from the last trilogy. Any questions?
Anna: Yeah. Do you like to hear yourself talk?
Squishy: Oh, you should know that by now. Welp, here's my office.
(They enter a doors that lead to a spacious office with some steps and a desk with a large window behind it showing the vast expanse of the station)
Squishy: Welcome to my chambers, y'all. (Lounges at desk) So, what's the bad nasty going down this time?
Will: I'll be brief: there's a new enemy attacking the galaxy. They've taken Rodia, Kuat, Coruscant and maybe some others. The Governor is either captured or dead.
Squishy: Oooh, sounds bad. What are they exactly?
Sara: They're some kind of saucer people: flying saucers, blasting everything, abducting citizens, really short and with glowing eyes.
Squishy: Mmmm... pretty strange. And I assume they interrupted your wandering as well? (Looks to Anna)
Anna: We were on Rodia when it happened, and we saw them take Kuat. They're sure a lot of them at each planet.
Squishy: So it's a massive armada, eh? No worries: this place also specializes in making some pretty nifty weapons. What about Jo?
Will: MIA. We have no idea where he is.
Squishy: Then that's the first thing we need to do: get Jo. Like they say: the more Jedi the merrier. (The Twi'lek secretary appears on desk screen) What is it now; can't you see I'm busy?
Lady: Sorry, sir, but a ship came from the direction of Bakura. Someone calling himself Gabagabagaba Wakaar wishes to speak with you.
Squishy: Bakura, huh? (Looks out window and sees nothing) Alright, put him onscreen until I can see this ship. (The screen changes to an odd silhouette) Okay, what is it that you want?
?: Boka wacka dacka nacka ca ca werka werka berka der.
Squishy: Sorry, we only speak Basic here. Get a translator on so we can better talk.
?: Nerka herka wobba yabbo yabbo. (Raises pincers and glows eyes) Skee skee ya na waba shekon nar ga... Yappan! (Suddenly there are rumblings around the station)
Squishy: What the heck!?
Cope: (Looking out window) Holy crap!
(They all look out. Right before their eyes, groups of the odd saucers speed toward the station, blasting it from a distance)
Squishy: Hey! They can't do that to my station! (Pulls out comm unit) Attention Jawa and Ssi-Ruuk squads. Get to battle stations. Upon enemy contact, execute Operation Wrecking Ball. (Puts away comm) Now you're about to see our attack formations in action.
(They look out. From the station comes some odd ships with arms, along with a large round one. They stop before the advancing ships. Then they starting jigging and making arm signals. Finally one shoots a large chain out to the round ship. Then the chain-bearer starts to spin, pulling the round ship with it. Eventually they move at a steady clip and spin toward the enemies. The huge ball smashes through the first ships while lasers on it pick off the ones it missed. In no time the initial wave is decimated)
Squishy: Ho-yeah! It's about time I found a use for that old ball and chain.
Cope: Worse pun ever.
?: Uh, sir?
Squishy: (Pulls out comm) Yes pilot, what is it?
Pilot: There are more ships coming in faster than the ball can smash em, and some have already passed us.
Squishy: Well close the hangers and get the turrets a-firing!
Pilot: The hangers are closed, but they're latching to different parts of the station for forced boarding.
Squishy: (Contemplates) Okay. Evacuate the areas they're latching onto and seal them shut. Have the rest of the formations come out and blast those ships apart. Those wannabe boarders will be sucked back into space.
Pilot: What about you, sir?
Squishy: Me... I've got some tricks up my sleeve yet. Squishy out. (Puts away comm and claps hands) Well. Who's up for a ride?
(Show them running down halls)
Anna: So what's your plan now, Sir Squishy?
Squishy: Well, I was thinking we'd go for a space ride. You know, try to find Jo.
Cope: What!? Now, during an attack on your station!?
Squishy: Sure. Everyone onboard has been trained and prepared for this sort of thing for a long time. This place will do just fine without me. Besides, I might get to blast a few invader scum on the way out.
(They continue running. The sky lights are filled with saucers, both intact and exploding. Soon they enter a blue hallway covered in rubble)
Squishy: We're almost at my personal hanger. Keep moving!
(They continue running until there's an explosion ahead of them. They stop and notice two small emerging figures)
Sara: Eeeeek!
(As the dust clears the creatures are revealed. They are small, purple, spotted mushroom creatures with pincers for hands)
Squishy: Huh. Those guys seem familiar.
(The creatures pull out lasers. The Jedi whip out their sabers) It's time for battle!
Cope: Wha-!?
(The screen flashes and battle music is played. Now we have a side view of the Jedi standing across from the creatures. Squishy goes to the middle)
Squishy: Hey! This is your first battle in a long time, right? Let me reacquaint you with the controls. (Walks over to Cope) It's very simple, really. Just press A to begin the attack, then press A again to fight these creatures.
Cope: Huh? What the freak are you talking about!? What "A"!?
Squishy: Just do it!
(Cope then selects an enemy, and slashes it dead with a saber. Then Will does the same. Then they all do victory poses as a chart tallies their winnings)
Anna: Huh? Where'd all these credits come from? Ah well.
(They then return to normal and continue running. Suddenly two more creatures attack from above, forcing a return to the battle screen. The two creatures fire first, but the sabers bounce them back and kill them instantly)
Squishy: Wow. I was going to say press A to jump over them, but that works too.
Cope: Again, what "A"'s are you talking about!?
(They pose again and get credits. They move on some more)
Squishy: We're almost there. Pray there aren't any more random battles, or worse...
(They move quickly. Suddenly there's a great rumbling and shaking. Then in front of them, a circular section of wall is cut out and a hatch opens down through it. From its depths comes an orange mushroom man with a thick mustache. After a moment of stillness, he starts to move briskly and make poses to showcase his 'stache. Water from somewhere hits the 'stache, causing light to glisten and glitter off it. He looks most graceful)
Will: Who the heck is this character?
(Then to sultry Latino music, the creature pulls out a ball and licks it. He then rolls it at the group, catching on fire along the way. When it nears them Will kicks the ball back and smacks the shroom-man, catching his mustache on fire. He runs around screaming and waving wildly before collapsing. After some silence it arises looking pissed, then it slaps on another mustache, pulls out a whistle and blows into it. Suddenly, dozens of purple shrooms rush from the ship and line up in formation. The mustachioed shroom then points at the Jedi and blows his whistle)
Squishy: Boss battle time!
(Screen flashes to different music we return to battle. Yet when the Jedi attack, they don't instantly kill the orange shroom)
Will: What's the deal? Why isn't he dead yet?
Squishy: The boss typically have more HP than their lackeys, and very rarely die from one or two hits. So a more damaging approach is needed. Observe. (Jumps onto Cope's back)
Cope: Hey! What the-! Get off me you lump!
Squishy: Easy; we're still in a tutorial! Anyways, when you go to attack, press X so that I give a slash, then you press A to add your slash to the mix and cause cumulative damage.
Cope: Exactly what were you smoking to be saying these-
Squishy: CHARGE!
Cope: Grrrr! (They attack as per instructions)
Squishy: Would any of the ladies be interested?
Anna: No way you're getting on my back!
Sara: Not while Will's here.
Will: Hey!
(Show orange shroom stamping a foot waiting)
Squishy: We'll be with you in a minute. Now, since you refuse, a new tactic is required. (Pulls out a shiny green turtle shell)
Cope: Oh god don't tell me-
Squishy: This shell could be used as an ultra cumulative damage tool. Simply press the buttons in accordance to who is suppose to kick it. Also, (hops on shell) press X when I hit him to add extra damage. Now pump it up!
(The kicking starts. The shells hits, ricochets, get kicked back and repeats between the girls. The pace increases and signs pop up in order of "good", "great", "sweet" and finally "d**n". Soon the shell breaks and a three-figure damage count is shown)
Squishy: Dude, you got served! Now you can attack, orange guy. Prepare to parry like crazy, y'all!
(The orange guy blows his whistle and there is some rumbling. WTF signs pop over the Jedi's heads as purple underlings rush to get punted or spun by the commander toward the Jedi. They then commence to slash repeatedly at the growing droves of cronies. Soon the attack ends)
Squishy: Now it's your turns again. (Pulls out another shell) Hit me, Will! (Will kicks, shell bounces off orangie, Cope readies kick but moves aside to let Squishy go careening away) Curse you!
Anna: Alex!
Cope: He was annoying the heck out of me. Besides, we don't need derivative button pressing to take this freak out.
(They continue the attack and dodge the commander's attacks. Finally he kneels and pants)
Will: Ah, finally. It's over.
(But the shroom regains his composure and looks infuriated. He then pulls out a flag and turns offscreen and starts making a whistle beat. Suddenly a group of purplies carry in a humongous bomb, which the commander lights up its fuse. They then set it down and and put it in a gentle roll. Return to the normal screen where the bomb is blocking the Jedi's escape. The shrooms can be heard giggling wildly)
Sara: Oh no! What are we going to do!?
Squishy: Make way!
(Squishy speeds in on the shell and knocks the bomb back. We then see it roll the shrooms back onto the ship. The force of impact causes it to detach and zip back into space, where it soon explodes. Back on station, a metal wall seals away the large vacuum caused by the ship's departure)
Anna: Kinda close timing there, huh Squish?
Squishy: Well if some people didn't send me bouncing all over the place. But right now we must go.
(Soon they reach the hanger) Ah, there she is. Everyone onboard, quickly!
(They all hop onto a large craft. Inside they find beads, shag carpeting and funky colors galore)
Cope: What the heck is this?
Squishy: You're telling me you already forgot the Sparrow?
All: The what!?
(Squishy sits at the controls and lifts off. Soon they're out in space to find relative calm around the station)
Squishy: Oh... they've already cleared the space.
Sara: More of them are bound to show up, though.
Squishy: In that case, I believe it's time for this station to vamoose. (Pushes button) Come in Steezy.
Steezy, where you at?
(A screen turns on to show a Ssi-Ruuk wearing shades)
Steezy: Hey boss man. What's happening? There's been all this rumbling, and now things got quiet.
Squishy: It won't be quiet for long. I'm gonna tend to some personal business out here, so get the station out of here to some place more peaceful.
Steezy: Got ya, little dude. Your palace is in safe claws with me. Later. (Screen turns off. Turn to a control room within station where we see Steezy and some other races) Okay, listen up! Things are getting hot around here and we need to leave! Call back all ships and ready for re-lo-cation!
Ithorian: Oh man this is gonna get wild.
Jawa: Recalling ships!
Ewok: Yub-yub!
(Show ships returning to station. Now show Steezy pulling up a a mike)
Steezy: Alright, ladies and gentlemen! We're about to experience a change in scenery, so all personnel get into position for charge up!
(Show lots of Jawas and other races scrambling to take positions in the halls around the station. Once they stop, turn to control room)
Jawa: All ships returned and everyone's in position.
Steezy: Okay! Now it is time, to, boogey! (Pushes a button)
(A large disco ball descends within the center of the station. Then all the personnel begin dancing one synchronized dance to funky music. Then we see from outside different ringed sections are spinning in opposite directions. Arriving enemy ships close in with ? over their tops. The dancing heats up and the rings spin faster. Then-)
Steezy: Groove power maximized! Hold on tight folks: we are off!
(There are blinkings around the station, then in a flash the station vanishes in a boom causing the enemy ships to spin out of control. On the Sparrow...)
Squishy: Ahhh, the miracle of dance engineering. Right, let's get outta here.
(They enter hyperspace. Then we get a better look at the inside of the ship. Everyone looks in amazement at its funkdelity while "Some Kind of Wonderful" is playing in the)
Sara: Gee Squishy, what have you done to this place?
Squishy: You don't like it? You know, being the swinger that I am demands a certain type of interstellar class. So I decided to remake this into my "Squish-mobile".
Cope: That's got to be the dumbest name for a ship yet.
Squishy: What do you know? You're just a wanderer.
Anna: So what now, "boss man"?
Squishy: Simple. We're going to Coruscant.
Will: What? What about Jo?
Squishy: He can wait; he's a sexy bounty hunter, right? Besides, I want to see the full extent of their attacks. So just a quick peek and then we're off to find Jo.
Sara: I hope you know what you're doing.
Squishy: Come on. Could I have gotten to where I am not knowing what I'm doing?
Cope: Yes.
Squishy: I wasn't expecting a response.
(Return to interlude. Finally they enter Coruscant orbit to find utter calm)
Squishy: Huh? No fire, no smoke, no utter devastation?
Will: This isn't right. There were hundreds of their ships all over the place.
Squishy: Luckily, I happened to have sent some cloaked surveillance droids into the atmosphere a good while ago. They'll give us an up close view of the surface from here.
Sara: Hold on, you've been spying on us?
Squishy: Hey, the feed only comes onto this ship, and I only check in when I'm really really bored. Now let's have a looksy.
(Turns on a screen to show the cityscape going about as if nothing happened)
Anna: What's the deal? Everyone's all normal and stuff.
(Zoom in to show moving people. Zoom in to show their faces)
Squishy: Doesn't seem to be any aliens about. That could be something.
Sara: Wait! Zoom in on their clothes.
Squishy: Huh?
Sara: Just do it. (Zoom in on clothes) A little more. (Zoom more) Aha! There it is!
All: What?
Sara: The stitching is all different, along with the fleece levels. Those are definitely not Coruscant clothes.
Cope: How would you know that?
Sara: With the amount of shopping I do, I can tell how fashion is on this planet, and I'm telling you those aren't of this world.
Squishy: Very well. I'll take some pictures and have those clothes analyzed. (The screen fuzzes out) Agh, the planetary shields are disrupting the feed. Been meaning to work that kink out. (Suddenly alarms go off around the ship) Oh, bugger.
Voice: Warning! Enemy ships on approach!
(Turn outside where 3 saucers are heading for the Sparrow)
Will: Of course they would be hiding close by.
Squishy: I have to admit, something's going on around here. For now we must leave. (The ship speeds up and soon enters hyperspace) Whew! That was a close one.
Anna: (Looking out window) Umm... I don't think so. They're still following us.
All: What!?
(Turn outside where in the blur of hyperspace the saucers are gaining on them)
Cope: Im-freakin-possible!
Squishy: Well looks like we need to fight. Take the controls: I'm manning the Cutesy Cannon! (Runs off)
Cope: Oh god...
(Turn to back where Squishy is lining his sights)
Squishy: Firing baby llamas... NOW! (A llama is launched but doesn't affect the ships) Shot failed. Adding extra fluff to ammo! (Pours bottle of fluff into a tube) FIRE! (Fluffy llamas fire but still no effect) Not even a scratch!
Cope: I always knew it would stop working at some point.
Squishy: Ah well. Time for Plan BBB: Bigger, Badder, Better! (Opens a hatch and steps in. Lights blink off warnings as a mechanism is heard. Outside, a huge cannon slowly rises out of the top of the ship and the saucers get !'s over their tops) Initiating cannon start-up now! (There is a whirring noise that gets louder. The saucers have OMG's flashing on and off over them. When the whirring is at its loudest) Blast off! (A humongous shot takes out all ships in glorious slo-mo. After a while they enter regular space) And we are clear!
(Cheers are heard around the ship)
Anna: He actually got something practical added to the ship!
Cope: I have to admit, Squishy, you've nearly redeemed yourself of the Cutesy Cannon.
Squishy: Well at times like these, you have to realize your past follies.
Will: So now can we look for Jo?
Squishy: Yes, Will.
Sara: You have any leads on where he might be?
Squishy: Just one. We're about to take a trip to a certain "Smuggler's Moon".
Anna: Oh boy.
Squishy: Yeah, have those wallets hidden and your hands tight on those sabers. It's gonna get gritty.
(After a while we see the ship arrive at Nar Shadda, one of the galaxy's most lawless locales. Upon landing, they enter one of its grimy streets)
Anna: So... where do we start?
Will: I say go to the next biggest cantina.
Cope: That's obvious.
(They walk into some bar whose name I can't think up. Inside, the burly locals glare at them)
Squishy: (Loudly) Um... yes! Does anyone here know where to find a Joseph? You know, Joseph the bounty hunter? Kicks butt and chews bubble gum, maybe. Hear he's pretty well-known around here. Flies a Millenium Falcon. Any one?
(After some silence everyone in the cantina pulls out blasters and aim at the Jedi)
Sara: Eep!
Aqualish: What do you want with Joseph!?
Rodian: You some kind of trade police!?
Devornian: We don't take kindly to your types around here!
Squishy: Please, no need for violence. We just happen to be friends of his. You may have heard of us? Jedi who saved the galaxy however many times? No one?
(There's some tense silence. Then everyone goes "Ohhhhhhhhh" in group recollection)
Aqualish: Alright. Follow me.
(The guns are lowered and the Jedi are led to the back. They go up some steps and find Jo sitting down surrounded by various babes while wearing shades)
Jo: Well look who we have here. What're you guys doing here? Shouldn't you be off living steady lives rather than be stuck on this ****-hole?
Cope: We could if we would, but it's become a matter of dire importance.
Will: The galaxy is in danger again.
Jo: Ah yes. The galaxy. Oh, can you hold on a sec? (Pulls out a sniper rifle, slaps on scope and takes aim. Then he shoots down a man in the rafters 50 yards away) Assassins. You just got to love em for their persistence.
Squishy: Wow. You really are in the cutthroat business.
Jo: Yeah, except the lady thing isn't going so well. Watch. (Turns to a babe) Hey baby, come sit on papa's lap.
Babe: Not in a million credits.
Jo: See, what did I tell ya? Now leave us ladies. (They leave) So what's this dealio again?
Cope: The galaxy is in danger, Jo!
Anna: Those freaks took out Rodia, captured Coruscant and stole my boots!©
Jo: Wait, wait wait hold up. What freaks?
Will: Some whacked up group of mushroom people in flying saucers are destroying things with shiny laser beams.
Jo: Whoa, sounds like you've too much of those death sticks.
Anna: He's serious, Jo! And we came here to get you to help us stop them.
Jo: You need moi to help? I'm touched.
Sara: Are you helping or not?
Jo: Okay, I'll help for old times sake. What leads ya got?
Anna: They're just hundreds of saucer things that come out of nowhere and attack swiftly.
Jo: You know, come to mention it, I have heard things about saucers lately.
All: You have?
Jo: Yeah. Lately I've been hearing people say they've seen saucers come out of Nal Hutta on their way here, but I always assumed they were Squishy's ships. Guess that's not how it is, huh?
Squishy: Not in the slightest, but now we have a lead. Finish any business here, Jo: you're coming with us.
Jo: I have no business here. I just sit around waiting for clients. So for giving me something to do, I won't charge you this time.
Sara: Good ol' Jo.
Jo: Well, I'm gonna get the Falcon. Need a ride?
Squishy: Naw. We came in on the Sparrow.
Jo: That thing's still running?
Squishy: Yeah, and wait until you see the interior.
Cope: Please don't!
(Turn to Nal Hutta orbit where the two ships observe the atmosphere)
Will: Look right there: some of those saucer things are heading into space.
Jo: Then that's where we go. Follow me; I know how to land inconspicuously.
(Later, the two ships land in a clearing surrounded by a swamp. They creep stealthily to an overlook where they bust out some binoculars. Through them they see a big, ominous palace with eerie lighting. Some saucers are seen leaving it)
Jo: Yep. They're coming from ol' Swigga's Place.
Will: Who?
Jo: Well, he real name is Sogga the Hutt, but everyone calls him Swigga because he "drinks" his food.
Anna: Well that makes a lovely picture.
Squishy: Fine. Let's just go.
Cope: For once I agree with you.
(They go about sneaking to a back entrance that gets passed by a shroom patrol. They then sneak into the door and come across some machines. They have odd controls and screens filled with unknown data. Farther on they reach some metal steps that lead up to a walkway next to some windows. Through these windows they can see saucers on an assembly line get built, painted and later powered up before leaving)
Will: So it's a saucer manufacturing plant. But what's powering them?
(Through quick observation Sara notices some pipes leading away from the powering pad)
Sara: Hey, those pipes should lead us to the answer.
Jo: Right. We go in and wreck up the place. Simple enough, eh? (So they get down from the walkway and through a door) Alright, there may be guards so watch out.
(But instead of guards they find something far more disturbing. Before them they see a Hutt-style throne, on top of which is a humongous mountain of flesh with eyes, a mouth and tiny arms [a large Hutt by classification]. In one hand it holds a glass filled with a chunky mixture, that it gulps down. The Hutt then burps and there is a machine sound behind it. It is then noted that there are glowing pipes stuck in the Hutt that go off into another room)
Anna: Oh God! Don't tell me-!
?: Okay, that's it! I've had enough of this!
(Everyone turns and looks in surprise at a sudden arrival: a middle-aged man with tan skin, a graying head of black hair and a very disgruntled look)
Squishy: Holy cow: it's Reggie Fils-Aime!
Jo: ...Who?
Reggie: On behalf of Nintendo of America, I am here to call out the blatant copyright infringement that is happening in this story! Everything up to this point has been a rip-off of Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time. Purple shroom aliens? An orange shroom leader? Puh-lease! And now the final straw: this alternative energy source!? Knock-off of the first major boss of that same game. Does anyone around here think of anything original? Dear God; our lawyers are gonna have a field day with this drivel. I hope your bodies are ready for agonizing lawsuits, because that's what you all are gonna get!
Cope: What the h**l do you think you're doing!?
Reggie: That includes you and the rest of your idea-stealing buddies, bean pole!
(There's a sucking noise, and suddenly Reggie gets pulled into a vortex formed by Swigga's gaping maw. He cries out but is promptly consumed, making the Hutt give out a harsh burp)
Swigga: (In Huttese) ENOUGH!) Now I don't know what he was babbling about, but it's disturbed my drinking session.
Squishy: Is it me, or can anyone else see those subtitles?
Swigga: I get a visit from these odd creatures, who offer me a most delicious drink and give me added protection as well. Yet it seems they are failing their promises, so I'll have to take care of you punks myself. But first: CHEFS! (Two shrooms walk into the room) Help me take care of these guys... and when we're done, you can mix their remains into my next drink.
Anna: Lovely...
(The two shrooms pull out lasers)
Squishy: Well, here we go again!
(They enter the battle screen again. The enemy starts first with Swigga taking a drink for health and the two shrooms pulling out mushrooms)
Cope: Let's just make this quick.
Squishy: Wait! Since these guys are copying Partners in Time, we should attack the shrooms first.
Will: Why?
Squishy: Just trust me! (So they attack the shrooms, making them drop their items into Swigga's drink) Now we finish our turn.
(Turn ends and Swigga takes a drink. He turns a little gray pale)
Swigga: Ugh... my tummy...
Squishy: Ha! It worked! (But Swigga ends up belching poisonous clouds that the Jedi bat away) Oh. Didn't see that coming.
Cope: Now what, genius?
Squishy: Well, since he's all sick-looking, his defenses should be lowered. So we must attack in full force. Luckily I have just the tool needed for that. (Pulls out a cannon)
Anna: What're you gonna do with that?
Squishy: Simple: we all jump in and launch ourselves at him.
Cope: What!? Are you flippin' mad!?
Squishy: Just push the corresponding buttons in the right order for extra damage. Now get in.
(The cannon sucks them in. Then they are shot in the air in a certain order and soon float down onto Swigga in sequence to make massive damage. Then two shrooms come in with one carrying a red mushroom)
Sara: Okay, my turn. (Goes for shroom)
Squishy: Wait! Don't!
(Sara attacks causing the mushroom to fall into Swigga's drink. Then he drinks and starts to shake. Suddenly his eyes turn red while growing much bigger and venting)
Swigga: Ohhhhh... YESSSS! I, AM, FEELING SO GOOOOOO!
Sara: Oops...
(He then closes his eyes and shakes, then opens them and fires off a stretchy tongue that catches Squishy, and then swings him about and slams him about the place)
Squishy: This! Is! Getting! A! Little! Tiring! When! Will! This! All! Stop! (He is then tossed to the ground. He slowly gets up while Swigga laughs) Okay... I didn't want to do this, but you left me no choice. I just have the one tool needed to end this fight. (Pulls out an odd needle/pump device with the word "Lipo" on the side) I only held this back for reasons of decency, but now prepare to get owned.
(Leaps up onto Swigga)
Swigga: Hey! What are you doing!?
(Squishy rams the needle into Swigga and pushes a button. There is a whirring noise, then the monstrosity shakes with a shocked look. A bubble forms and enlarges on the end of the mechanism while the Hutt shrinks and skinnies at the same time. The bubble gets larger until the Hutt is but a very skinny creature, provide a cue for Squishy to get off. He holds aloft the huge, shiny bubble)
Squishy: This pump is also capable of converting the fat into a high-powered explosive. So, putting 2 and 2 together...
Will: Oh crap...
(Squishy holds the bubble toward the ceiling, charges it so light appears around it, then fires it at a great speed. The sphere shoots out of the palace, hangs in the air a bit, then falls onto the building. In an immense flash and rumbling everything turns white. When the area clears, all that's left of the palace is a ruined throne room with everyone still in it)
Anna: Dang...
(Turn to a moaning Swigga and a lone shroom. The shroom panics and rams itself down the Hutt's throat. After some grumbling the Hutt's eyes turn purple and starts to talk in creepy English)
Swigga: Ohhh... you think you're all so great! Well, interlopers, you shall never beat us! Though you destroyed our factory, there are still hundreds of active saucers making decisive strikes around your pitiful galaxy. In time, your weak government shall have no means whatsoever to recover and retain peace without surrendering to us. Mwahaha!
Will: Uhh... can you vouch for this, Squishy?
Squishy: Hmmm... I just may have an idea for this situation. Though, Will, I'll need your tech savvy for this.
Will: Sure. Exactly what are we doing?
(Some time later we find weird mechanisms all over Swigga and plus some machine panels surrounding him)
Swigga: What are you cretins doing?
Cope: Yes; I'd like to know as well.
Squishy: Well, it's a bit complicated and technical, but Will has been able to use the surviving equipment to tap into the entire saucer communication grid.
Will: I can screw with communications as is, but those shroom guys would likely block it out without the proper imprint.
Squishy: And that's were our possessed, malnourished friend comes into play. Since his mind has been overtaken by one of those shroob-wannabes, we just hook his brain into the console and imprint it onto the transmissions, that way the others will put it through.
Will: It'll be a short window, so we're gonna have to mess them up spectacularly
Squishy: Fortunately, I have the song to do just that.
Anna: And what would that be?
Squishy: (Smiles) Oh, you'll see. Heh heh. (Puts a CD into a console. Pushes some buttons) Will, begin transmission.
(After some seconds the Hutt starts singing the "Llama Song". Then all across the galaxy all the shrooms hear it and start dancing wildly. All that activity causes every saucer in the galaxy to smoke and fall, whether be on planet, moon or black hole. After the song, turn back to ruined palace where the Hutt stops singing)
Swigga: Bahh... cheap shot. (Dies)
Cope: Can't say that was one of your more ingenious moments, because that would mean acknowledging you had one before.
Squishy: Well time was of the essence, but it got the job done.
Sara: Can we get off the planet now? It's starting to smell.
Jo: Yeah. Let's see if this half-brained plan of yours actually worked.
Squishy: Okay. To transition!
(Turn to space that's littered with saucer debris and the two ships)
Anna: Well I'll be dipped: it actually worked.
Cope: Yet again, the stupidest idea is the most effective.
(On board Sparrow)
Squishy: So, now that my ingenuity has been proven, how 'bout we go back to the Home?
Sara: You mean you know where it is?
Squishy: Of course. I own it; I can't afford to lose a huge investment like that, can I? But yeah, in times of emergency the Home sets course for Mon Calamari orbit. Once we get there it should be nice and cozy for us to come on in.
Will: Well that's a relief.
Squishy: So let's hurry along. I need to check the well-being of my guests there.
(They enter hyperspace. Now turn to tall, ominous tower at night. Turn to a huge control room filled with many consoles and data screens. Show one tech hurrying to one end of the room where there is a raised platform and a turned swivel chair. The tech stops and holds up some papers)
?: So? What's the current status?
Tech: The entire Shroob division has been wiped out, sir.
?: Wiped out, you say?
Tech: Yes. All saucers are obliterated, and we can only assume our being subdued in their absence.
?: Okay... and the cause for this?
Tech: Seemed to have been a warped transmission that disoriented the crew of every saucer. We traced the transmission to our Nal Hutta factory, which has also been destroyed.
?: Guhhh... what the heck!? Did you at least find out who did this!?
Tech: Fortunately we did. We have pictures of them leaving the site and also put trackers on their ships, which left some time later.
(Passes photos of Jedi to shadowy figure. It shifts through them and pauses)
?: Hmm... seems conquering this galaxy is going to be a little harder then first imagined. How about our established planets?
Tech: They are still held, sir.
?: Good. Now, before we deploy the other fleet,s let's take care of these... pests. Have one of our high-velocity missiles locked and fired onto those transmitters. Inform me when they cease to function.
Tech: Yes sir. (Walks away)
?: Oh, and one more thing. (Tech stops) For all your sakes, this better not happen again.
Tech: (Gulps) Y, y-yes sir. (Walks away)
(Turn to outside where a launcher bay is opened and a huge missile is moved out. Then it shoots off into space at super fast speeds. Now turn to Mon Calamari orbit, where the 2 ships finally arrive at Jawa Home. Now turn to control room where the Jedi and Steezy are conversing)
Squishy: And that's what we've been doing all that time.
Steezy: Wow. Sounds intense.
Squishy: Yeah, tell me about it. So what of the crew and guests?
Steezy: They've all headed planet-side. Just needed a rest from all that shaking and grooving, and nothing says restful like a day at the beach.
Jo: Well that's all fine and good, but what do we do now?
Will: We still need to figure out what happened to Coruscant after we left, and to round up any remaining invaders.
Cope: We should also get Admiral Ackbar to provide recovery ships.
Squishy: Yeah, but we can also use my ships. Heck, I got several custom ones hanging outside Lwhekk for safe-keeping.
Will: Then that's fine. Let's just hurry up to try to assess whatever just happened in this galaxy.
(There is red blinking and klaxons going off)
Steezy: Uhh, this can't be right.
Squishy: What is it?
Steezy: It says here that there is a missile heading right for us.
Anna: A what!?
(They look at a monitor that shows the incoming missile)
All: Ahhh crap!
(The missile hits the station with a large explosion. It tilts over and causes tumbling in the control room)
Squishy: Status report!
Steezy: Dang! That missile knocked us out of orbit! There's fire and explosions and we're falling toward the planet!
Anna: Well this can't possibly get worse!
Sara: Hey, Anna! Aren't those your new boots!?
(Show some boots bounce around until they crash into a console where they catch fire)
Anna: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Show the station falling to the planet, smoking and burning while everyone is screaming. Screen goes black)
Will our heroes survive the massive crash? Will we learn the identity of the mysterious enemy? Exactly what happened to Coruscant and those other planets? Will this be my only appearance as narrator?
Find out in Episode WTF, where you will see: guest appearances, shocking revelations, music videos and some really whacked-up s**t! Until then, vote 5 or more! PLEASE!
To be Continued...
- for copyright infringement.