Star Warz
Episode WTF:
Cos-pirators
aka
How Villainy Lost Originality
Well that was certainly an exciting previous episode, eh? Oh, you already forgot it? Here's a recap:
After 3 years of peace, the galaxy is once again besieged by evil. The disbanded Jedi reconnect to fight off this new calamity. Along the way they faced saucers, mushrooms, a swanky space station and a totally ripped-off plot point. After shutting down the invader's saucer factory, it seemed things had settled down.
However, a missile strike from an unknown site sends a relocated Jawa Home spiraling into Mon Calamari. Will our heroes survive? Let's find out.
(Show a tranquil sight of a calm, sunny ocean. Shift to the side to reveal a floating, smoking Jawa Home floating on the ocean surface. Now turn to some figures swimming to a nearby beach and crawling up it)
Jo: Land! Land! Oh thank God!
Will: Man, my head...
Squishy: At least we're still alive.
Anna: But I couldn't save my boots...©
Sara: Say, how come Jawa Home's still intact?
Steezy: Ha! You kidding me? With something that big, how could we not have it well-protected? We had the whole interior lined with the strongest metals in the galaxy. In fact, it was practically built for rough landings like this.
Cope: (Struggling up the beach) Water... need water...
(Stops next to a beach chair holding a metal-limbed, shaggy-haired man with a ginger beard)
Chris: Ah, about time you got here waiter. Bring me anotherpiña colada. I've run a little dry.
Sara: (Getting up) Chris? Is that you?
Chris: (Noticing them) Sara? Will? Squishy? What are you- (Noticing Jawa Home) Hey, since when did that show up? It's really killing the view.
Cope: You mean you haven't noticed? You're telling me you heard no noise, nor seen a huge wave? In fact, why is everything still dry!?
Chris: (Shrugs) Just too chilled for any of that to happen, I guess.
(A boat arrives with a Mon Calamarian in it)
Jo: Admiral Ackbar!? Well, isn't this swell timing.
Ackbar: Are you all alright? I came as soon as I saw that station coming down.
Will: Yeah, we're fine.
Ackbar: Will? Sara? And the other Jedi? Okay, what's going on here?
Jo: We'll be happy to explain everything once we get some rest. Also, I need to know if my Falcon is alright.
Squishy: It is. During emergency landings, all ships in all hangers are bolted down until everything stabilizes.
Cope: Could someone just get me some water, please? (Looking at Chris) And also, since when does a crawling man in brown, soaked robes look like a waiter to you?
Chris: Well, your hair looked like a waiter's.
(Squishy snickers)
Cope: Grrrr...
(Turn to a floating city, where the Jedi are talking with Chris)
Jo: So all this time you've been here on Mon Calamari?
Chris: Yep. There was plenty of sun, many things to do and the endless scuba diving. Plus, being a former general does have its kicks. So what's your story?
Sara: It's very long. We should wait until we can talk to Ackbar some more.
(A Calamarian intern walks in)
Intern: The admiral will see you now.
Will: Well ain't that a coincidence.
(They walk out. Turn to a meeting room)
Ackbar: And that's what happened?
Will: Yeah. Just a speedy invasion and possibly a higher head of command behind it all.
Anna: So we should go about trying to find these guys and take 'em out quick.
Cope: Of course, there is still the clean up for possible stragglers.
Ackbar: Yes... I can see the importance of that. But you realize that due to the prolonged notice for this attack, it will take some time to assemble the Republic fleet.
Squishy: That shouldn't be a real problem for now. In fact, I volunteer my Jawa Home as temporary space headquarters until everything is set up.
Ackbar: Jawa Home? But isn't it out of commission out there?
Squishy: Naw. After some quick repairs, its emergency repulsors will lift it right off the planet.
Ackbar: Well good, I guess that settles it. Let's brief some of the current staff and get to assembling the fleet.
Chris: Scuse me, but what should I do?
Ackbar: How does reinstatement as active General sound?
Chris: Sweet! Just let me shave a bit. Can never be too dashing in the middle of a war.
(Forward to a few days later in space, where the Republic fleet including Jawa Home has been assembled. Switch to bridge of Home One, where Chris stands proudly at the bow, and the Jedi milling about. Squishy is sitting at a console watching some footage)
Chris: Ah... you know, after spending so much time back as general, I've had time to practice my commanding laugh. (Laughs maniacally)
Jo: Right... So how things Ackbar?
Ackbar: Well, it's both good and bad, to be honest. The good is that we've rounded up any shroom stragglers across the galaxy, and they are now in custody. The bad are several things: the first are the "captured" planets. When we get to them, the planetary shields are up and we cannot contact anyone on the surface, as though no one's there. Then there are the captives.
Anna: What about them?
Ackbar: It's downright odd, I say. Left on their own, they act just as your report showed. Yet when we examined them, it was revealed that parts of their anatomy were removable. When said parts were removed, the subject would be asking where it was in Plain Basic and deny anything about an invasion. This was done with several captives, so in the end we concluded that the invaders were, in fact, little humans in costume under some sort of mind control.
Will: That's a little hard to comprehend, considering the number of invaders. You think it's too weird, right Squish?
Squishy: I don't know. I'm still looking over the tapes of the captured planets' surface.
Sara: What about the clothes on those people I pointed out? Have they been tested yet?
Ackbar: Yes, and it appears that you were right: none of the clothes in the footage matched any clothing made in this galaxy.
(Close in on Squishy's watching)
Cope: Well that confuses things even more!
(Close in more)
Jo: That means we have two great conundrums in this matter.
(Closer)
Will: Yeah: one is the deal with the invaders wearing costumes and being mind controlled.
(Close)
Sara: And the other is why normal-looking citizens are wearing clothing of an entirely alien fabric.
(Closer)
Anna: But overall: Who are these people anyway!?
(Squishy stands in shock)
Squishy: I just may know who... the only possible explanation!
All: What; who is it!?
Squishy: ... (Close-up) Cosplayers...
All: ...WHAAAT!?
Squishy: Here, let me explain.
(Show all them huddled around a monitor)
Squishy: Okay, here's the skivvy: look at this footage from Coruscant. Seems normal, right? Well zoom in to the lower right hand corner. Right there in that arch: notice the guy in red with the silvery hair and the big sword?
Anna: My god... that's Inuyasha!
Squishy: Uh-huh. And now some footage from Fondor. See that couple sitting and chatting at that restaurant? Look and see who's spying on them from that tree.
Will: Solid Snake?
Squishy: Yeah, now look a little lower in the woods.
Cope: Genome soldiers? Searching... for what?
Will: For Snake, obviously.
Squishy: And now the casinos of Rodia. Look all over the place. Who are serving drinks?
Chris: Scantily-clad Moogles?
Squishy: Exactly. So in conclusion, our enemy are a bunch of down and dirty cosplayers.
Cope: Wait, wait, wait! What does cosplaying have to do with any of this? So what if a few people decide to dress up; the whole galaxy is full of nerds by this point. It doesn't mean a ton of cosplayers are trying to conquer the galaxy.
Squishy: I'd agree with you, but I have a theory as to why the captives were acting weird without the costumes. Think about: what's a cosplayer? It's a person who dresses up as some character so as to emulate them. Those invaders were obviously pretending to be Shroobs, and removing their costume destroys their fantasy. In short, these guys are extremist cosplayers who do exactly everything their character of choice would do.
Will: Meaning?
Squishy: Meaning we may be dealing with a new breed of Fan Boy.
Cope: Preposterous!
Ackbar: Perhaps, but it's the only good explanation we have so far. Well, the only explanation.
Chris: Then what do we do, lads?
Jo: Well, as experience taught us, Fan Boys fall quick without leaders.
Sara: So if these are another bunch of Fan Boys, they may follow the exact same rules.
Squishy: So in other words, we find the leaders and take them out quick. Then maybe we can figure out the dealy with those strange clothes later.
Cope: But how do we find these leaders? So far we have no leads, and finding said leads will take a ludicrous amount of time.
Anna: Oh, Alex, stop being a stick in the mud.
Squishy: In response to your question, Alex, I say there's one advantage we can use against the time-consumption thing.
Jo: And what might that be?
Squishy: A little something that I call: the progressive montage.
Cope: Oh great! Another one of his half-brained cheap,- (Mumbles, mumbles)
Squishy: So if you can begin the appropriate music, our search can begin... now!
(Show montage of the Jedi going about the galaxy in search of info set to appropriate music. In time they face risky negotiations, hip dance clubs, partnerships, shoot-outs, and the occasional Rancor bite to the a**. Finally we find the Sparrow in space with all Jedi on board)
Squishy: See, that wasn't so bad. In fact, that montage shortened the search to just 2 minutes.
Cope: (Sighs) Yet again your dumb idea pulled off successfully.
Jo: So exactly what did we find again?
Squishy: Oh, right. Uhhh... (Pulls out cliffnotes) Yes! All we were able to get was the address of the enemy headquarters.
Sara: Well that's not bad.
Will: Yeah. The leaders should be there, right?
Squishy: Okay, well, enough with exposition. We need to get more conclusion. Follow those coordinates!
(Ship goes into hyperspace. Eventually...)
Anna: Okay. According to this, we should be arriving there right about... now.
(The ship goes into normal space. Show shocked Jedi faces)
Jo: No way!
Will: It can't be!
Cope: Preposterous!
Sara: I never thought of such a place!
Anna: Un-freakin-believable!
Squishy: I sorta saw this coming.
(Show all of Endor and its woodland glory)
Jo: There must be some mistake! Where's the directions? I'll read them over.
Cope: This can't be real. Not there with all those Ewoks!
Will: Yeah, well what do you call that? (Points to area of moon that looks dark and mechanized)
Squishy: Well, no one would suspect it at least.
Sara: We should call Ackbar and the others before we go down.
Squishy: Hold on... How bout we go down there and check this out first?
Anna: Why? You saying we should plunge right into the thick of danger?
Squishy: No! I'm just saying we should check it out to be sure it isn't something else. Besides, if there was danger, I'm sure we would be able to handle it. What do y'all say?
Jo: It would be boring just to wait for Chris to arrive.
Anna: Hrmm, and I haven't been a part of a nerd-bashing in a long time, come to think of it.
Cope: Like I have a choice...
Squishy: That's the spirit! Now, let's get all covert on landing.
(Show them flying to moon and landing in forest. Turn to them walking through woods and stopping before a clearing. Pan to show ominous tower revealed in last episode)
Will: Must be the place. Let's move.
(They go on into clearing. Suddenly)
Sara: Wait. Did you hear that?
(Rustling noises)
Jo: It's coming from near the entrance.
(Some tenseness later a man with a white shirt, blue pants and a flattened haircut steps out with fists raised)
Squishy: Hey... isn't that that Alex guy from River City Ransom?
(The man gives a loud whistle that brings out a whole bunch of guys in blue ninja suits)
Anna: Crap...
Squishy: Yep, I knew it. He wants a dance-off.
Sara: A what!?
Squishy: Come, Ewoks! Your support is needed!
(Dozens of Ewoks come to the Jedi)
Cope: Aw jeez. Not this crap again.
(Man raises finger, then drops it when a record player is heard. Then the "Work It" song by Daft Punk is played, and both sides engage in a choreographed techno fight. There are flashing lights, head bopping, and very techie voices for the vocal parts. 2/3 of the way through the song)
Will: This isn't working. I say we move to that entrance. (Nods toward it)
Jo: Yeah. Squishy, let's end this nonsense already.
Squishy: Okay okay. Just follow my lead.
(As the song nears the end the Jedi slowly groove their way toward the door. They enter one at a time and at the song's end Squishy waves and close the doors. Inside they barricade the entrance and rest)
Anna: Well, that was pointless.
Squishy: Told ya they're cosplayers: they had the suits and everything. Even all the dance parts were exact.
Cope: Big whup. So, our next, hopefully less moronic step?
Will: Well... for those guys must have been security, because this place is totally empty. And it also looks more like a lobby.
Sara: And lobbies usually mean elevators.
Squishy: Right, I should look for a floor map. (Goes to the receptionist counter)
Anna: What floor plans? We go to the top; it's always the top with these people.
(Squishy scrummages through desk. Pulls out a layout floor plan of whole tower)
Squishy: I'd hate to say this Anna, but it's not that simple. Come check this out. (All Jedi look over plans) Now, since this does seem to be the enemy headquarters, it has some tight security parameters. The main one is with the elevators. To get to a floor, we need certain key cards to unlock them. Currently, with no cards we can only go up to the second floor. As an extra precaution, only the needed cards for the next level are kept on the different levels below them. Only a master card, kept on the top floor, can have ready access to all floors.
Jo: Figures.
Sara: It's amazing how all that is just written on some random floor plan.
(Show floor plan and various columns of explanatory text and diagrams)
Will: So all this means..?
Squishy: This means that we go up floor to floor getting these cards and reaching the control room. Of course we will have to face off with much resistance, like say oodles of floor guardians.
Anna: So we just get this over with. No fuss.
Squishy: But we're left with two options: go floor to floor and face each challenge with great, lengthy detail, or have it summarized in a more condensed fashion.
Jo: Hmm... I opt for the shorter approach.
Cope: Same here.
Squishy: Very well. Take it away, Narrator.
Thanks Squishy. Now, our heroes traverse the various floors of Cosplayer Tower. There're quite a lot of floors and a bunch of weirdos guarding them. Among them are Star Wars kids, wizards, Elric brothers, Sailor Moon girls spouting fast, incoherent Japanese, a lot of spikey-haired dudes, a Goku with the worst wig ever!, and a cool battle against a Akuma-wannabe. Finally the heroes reach the top floor and a date with destiny (again!).
(Show elevator doors open and Jedi step out)
Anna: Oh god that was long!
Squishy: Still got to keep moving. The end is in sight.
Jo: Hold on. I've got some crap in my shoe. (Shakes out paraphernalia like dice, wands and fairy dust) Okay, let's move out.
(They go down a dark hall. Soon they're hailed by a guy in a book suit)
Cope: Ah great! More of these freaks! When do you guys give up?
?: No fellow patrons. I am not like my fellow compatriots, for you see, I am a save point.
Sare: A... save point?
?: Yes: a point where you can save your game. You know, placed in areas of most convenience, like before bosses, major story points, and... (Mumbles)
Jo: What was that?
?: Well... before points of no return.
Anna: What are you insinuating?
?: Nothing! Nothing. It's just that save points are convenient and you should use me.
(Jedi look at each other)
Will: No thanks. We'll pass for now.
?: Very well. Good luck anyway.
(The Jedi walk off screen. Then Anna runs back and slices off the costume so the guy is left screaming in his underwear. Anna returns to group)
Anna: Ahh... nothing like shattering someone's fantasies to get the blood pumpin'.
(They soon reach a huge door)
Squishy: Okay, this is it. You guys take the sides; I'll go down the middle. Move slowly.
(They open the door to reveal a large, spacious and high tech room. They take positions and move slowly inward toward a middle high rise. Suddenly cages fall down blocking Squishy from the other Jedi, then the walkways around the room are filled with soldiers who train their guns on Squishy. After some moments a voice is heard)
?: Well, it's about time you got here. Saved me the trouble of finding you myself.
(Now on the high rise is a man wearing a black cape and a white maestro suit, with horns in his head and spiky hair and different colored eyes)
Squishy: And what are you supposed to be?
?: If you must know, I was originally supposed to be a Gregorio III. But a slight accident fused me with some Zowie, so it would only be appropriate to address me as: Zowio. And you must be Squishy, the adorable Jawa who always seems to save the day at the most inopportune moment.
Squishy: Along with my friends. What's it to ya?
Zowio: Well, we can't have people like you running rampant around here. Really gets in the way of galactic domination, wouldn't you say?
Squishy: Okay, enough with the appetizers. Who are you and what's the dealio?
Jo: Appetizers?
Zowio: Oh yes, of course someone like you would prefer the quick gist of things. Very well, I'll summarize it for you: In response to what you may be noticing, we do come from the same world as those Fan Boys you once faced. However, a certain accident left us with the power to become whatever costume we wear, along with being able to take it off. The details are long and involve politics and war so I'll skip that. Back on subject, we are known as the Cosplayer Consortium. A very alliterate ring to it, I do say.
Squishy: SO why our galaxy?
Zowio: Why? Must you ask? For the same reason as our Fan Boy counterparts: because this is a place of fantasy. You see, many of our members are Star Wars-based, and our own galaxy is just too dull to meet our needs. So we decided to come here.
Squishy: With those shrooms?
Zowio: Ah, yes, the Shroobs. Rather then attack all out like our Pompous Predecessors, we decided a more stealthy, quick approach at conquering your galaxy. Instead of showing our hand immediately, we sent in those single-minded Shroobs to strike quickly and remove the natives. If done correctly, our people would have taken place on the planets without notice from the other the planets. Yet you Jedi had to go blurting to your navy about our plans.
Squishy: It's like you said: we're a rather inopportune bunch.
Zowio: Yes, just like little cockroaches. Little cockroaches that need to be squashed before a new era of peace and perfection can begin.
Sara: But that's just wrong! You can't just remove people and act like nothing's happened!
Anna: Body Snatchers isn't the way to go, dude!
Zowio: Quiet you! There is no extra in this duet! (Waves and an Organ is dropped to block out Sara and Anna) Ah... there are advantages to being a master of orchestra.
Squishy: Speaking of which, why are you the leader? You don't look anything special from the others we saw.
Zowio: Nothing special? I'm hurt by that, but it's still an excellent question. You see, that little accident of mine has given me the ability to think for my own. While everyone immediately assumes the identity of whoever they're impersonating, I maintain my own mind while still harnessing the powers of my characters, thus making me the prime candidate for leading this empire to victory. Now are you done prolonging your death? Because I'm getting weary of this conversation and I really want to conquer the galaxy sometime this lifetime if possible.
Squishy: Okay, I'm done, if it pleases you.
Zowio: So you will submit to the blinding torture and endless agony?
Squishy: Yes, but I have one octet of syllables to say before I go: say hello to my little friend!
(Whips out tiny chocobo that flies to Zowio, misses then hits representative standing nearby, who goes about screaming and being mauled. Zowio looks at the scene)
Zowio: Well that was a waste of time. (Turns back) Now if you're finally done with this foolishness we can-!? (Show Squishy gone) Sh**! How dare he use the old-fashioned "kill the investor as a diversion" tactic. No matter, without my MasterCard he won't be going anywhere anytime-!? (Show empty spot on chair behind him) Double sh**!
(Show Squishy going down in elevator. Turn back to control room)
Cope: WHAT!? He left us!? That no good (bleep) sucking (bleep) worth (bleep-bleep) to this whole (bleepidy, blopidy bloo).
Will: He seriously ditched us? God, I can't believe it.
Jo: Hey Alex, got any swear words I can use?
Zowio: Grrr... FIND HIM!
(Turn back to Squishy, who just reached the ground floor. He charges the door and blasts away the barricade and the security people behind it. He runs yelling through the woods until reaching the Sparrow, where he gets in, lifts off and zooms to space. This is all being watched on a display in the control room)
Sara: Ha! Now you're in for it! Squishy's ship will reach our fleet in no time and they'll come here before you've started evacuating. It's all over now! At least, I hope that's what he's doing...
Zowio: Hmmm... yes, normally it would seem so. Buuuut... (Gets handed a packet) I have an ace up my sleeve. While we were shooting the bull, a sensor in the ceiling was reading his mind, searching for fears and weaknesses to be used in torture. The results are in my hand. (Reads over papers) And we have just the weapon. (To tech) Deploy the capsules.
(Tech goes off. Outside two large capsules are fired into space. On board the Sparrow)
Squishy: Okay, let's see: mirrors adjusted, seat belt snug, coolant is good and the coffee is percolating. Yep, I'm set for hyperspace. Forgive me, guys. (Proximity alarms go off) Huh? (Looks out rear viewport to see the capsules closing. Then they burst open to reveal two platforms carrying dancing Asian women) What the h***!?
(Turn back to control room)
Zowio: Yes. It says here he is a real sucker for J-pop. Let's see how he reacts.
(Turn back to space where the women continue to dance and sing while firing groove missiles. On the ship, Squishy is bouncing around with red lights and klaxons going off)
Squishy: Gahh! J-pop/catchy tunes! My one true weakness! (Coffee spills) My coffee! NOOOOOOOOOO!
(Turn back to a sinister looking Zowio)
Zowio: Yes... yes... perish before your own folly, little one. It will all be over soon.
(Turn back to a smoking and burning Sparrow with Squishy hunched over the controls)
Squishy: So, I guess this is it: the end. (Coughs) Not quite what I expected. I was thinking more of a grand self-sacrifice thing; not to be the victim of such hoppin' tunes!
(Show a smoking Sparrow exterior. Turn back to the nervous spectators. Back to space. Close up on spectators. Finally in space the Sparrow goes off in a glorious explosion reminiscent of the Death Star divided by 20. Back in control)
Jo: Squishyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Zowio: Hehehehehehhh... well that was fun. But now I'm feeling a change of scenery is in order. Alright people! Get everything packed and sent to our new headquarters on Coruscant. And have those Jedi sent to one of our high-security prisons. Add extra powerful units so as not to be as sloppy as our predecessors.
Will: This ain't looking good.
Sara: Dead... I just can't believe he's gone... Squishy...
(Turn back to a debris-filled space, where credits are played to a solemn tune)
Quadruple s**t! Squishy dead!? How un-freakin-expected! Is this really the end of the Jedi, the Republic, the whole f-ing galaxy!? Will the Cosplayers succeed where the Fan Boys have fallen? Will there be a new hero to save the day? Quite possibly, a Narrator Man? Nah, not really. But do stay tuned for the next exciting trilogy conclusion!
EPISODE L33T!
You won't want to miss it.