Chapter 14.
"I can't do this anymore," Brandon mumbled. He sat up, straightening his shirt.
"Huh?" Callie was confused. She'd been making out with him on his couch for at least half an hour, and things were just starting to get heated. "Is something wrong?" She sat up too, facing him, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
Brandon looked down, his face drawn. "I don't know how much longer I can go on like we are," he admitted. "We've been sleeping together almost every day for weeks now. And it's been great, don't get me wrong. But I just feel like I need more..."
"I don't understand," Callie breathed. "Are you saying you don't want to be with me anymore?"
He shook his head. "No, baby. I do." He caressed her cheek gently. "I would fuck you twenty-four hours a day if I could. It's just... I want what we have to be more than physical. When we started sleeping together, I thought making love to you would be enough to satisfy me, but it's not. I want to give you my whole heart, but I need yours in exchange."
He took her hand in his, cradling it delicately. "I told you I loved you last week, and you didn't say anything. I can't figure out why you don't seem to feel the same way I do. I thought we've been having a great time together."
"Brandon," she sighed, frustrated. "Don't. You know I'm only going to end up hurting you."
"You're already hurting me," he told her, his voice rising. "It hurts to feel the way I do, and get rejected day after day. It's like you said, that sometimes saying goodbye over and over hurts more than being apart. I don't want to keep saying goodbye to you."
"I'm not rejecting you, Brandon," Callie insisted, her chin trembling. She was dangerously close to tears. "It's just so hard for me. I'm just starting to feel like part of the family again. If we're together, that can't happen."
"Why can't it?" he asked. "It's not like moms can adopt you now. No one is stopping us from being together but you."
She gave him a hurt look. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"Because I'm in love with you," he told her, desperation in his voice. "Don't you remember the day I first sang your song to you, in Daphne's apartment? You loved me then. I know you did. We made all those plans; getting a place together, eating our breakfast at a nice kitchen table. I still want that, Callie. Don't you?"
Every fiber of her being told her to say yes, she did want that. But she couldn't get the word out. All she could do was numbly shake her head. "Jude needs to be the only man in my life right now. I'm sorry."
Brandon still held onto her hand, squeezing it tight as tears leaked from his eyes. "If that's how you feel, then I'm sorry too." He studied her regretfully. "Trust me... this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, Callie, but I don't want to see you like this anymore. Not until you can make some kind of commitment to me. Right now, you're using me, and that isn't fair."
Callie regarded him tearfully, beating herself up on the inside. "Brandon... I'm not."
He stood up. "I think you'd better leave now. Call me if you want to talk." He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Bye."
Callie rose to her feet, her tongue thick. "Bye," she mumbled. He walked her to the door, and shut it behind her.
Callie collapsed on her bed when she got back to her dorm. Her shoulders shook as she cried. It seemed like she could still feel Brandon all around her. Her body missed him, every part of her. But as much as she wanted him, she was scared. In a way, she was back where she started, torn between Brandon and the rest of the Fosters. Last time she was in that situation, she nearly destroyed the family. She couldn't let that happen again; not when she was just beginning to move forward.
The afternoon passed, and there was a tap at her door. Caitlin let herself in. "Cal?" She slowly realized that her friend was crying. "Sweetie, what's the matter?" she asked, going to her side.
"I don't want to talk about it," Callie mumbled, burying her face in her pillow.
Caitlin rested her hand on her back. "Did something happen? With Brandon, maybe? Are you pregnant?"
"No! I'm not pregnant!" she snapped, annoyed. "Why would I be pregnant?"
"I just wondered..."
"Can't you ever just mind your own business?" Callie asked, looking up from her bed. She knew she sounded like a raging bitch, but she didn't care.
Her roommate sighed. "You know, I only get into your business because I care. You're my best friend."
"I just want to be alone," Callie cried. "Please."
Caitlin nodded, standing up. "Fine. If that's what you want."
For the next few days, Callie felt as if she were on autopilot, floating through her classes like a zombie, just reacting to life without really experiencing it. When Sophia called to talk, she just listened, mumbling one or two word answers, too distracted to care. At night, she barely slept, and during the day, she barely ate.
She didn't hear from Brandon at all. Several times, she thought about calling him, just to hear his voice, but once her fingers were poised to dial his number, she hung up, losing her nerve. Most of the time, she just laid in bed, staring at the ceiling.
On the third day, Caitlin came into the room, not even bothering to knock. "You want to order Chinese for dinner?" she asked. She'd seen Callie at her best and her worst, and was used to her changing moods. But this time, she was growing concerned.
"I'm not hungry," Callie told her, rolling over.
"Not even for Lo Mein?" said Caitlin, trying to tempt her.
Callie simply shook her head in reply
"You've barely eaten in days," Caitlin sighed. "I wish you'd tell me what's wrong, sweetie. I'm worried about you." She sat down next to Callie, rubbing her arm. "Please?"
In spite of herself, Callie burst into tears; she just couldn't hold it in any longer. It hurt too much. She sat up, drying her eyes on her sleeve. "I- I ruined everything with Brandon."
"How?" asked Caitlin. "What happened?"
She grabbed a tissue, and wiped her runny nose. "He... he told me he loved me over Spring break, and I didn't say it back. I told him I didn't want a relationship. We had a fight, and now he doesn't want me to see him anymore."
"Oh, Cal," Caitlin sighed, reaching out to hug her friend. "I'm sorry." She laid her hand on Callie's back, trying to comfort her. "Do you love him?"
"Yes," she quietly admitted. "At least, I think I do."
"Then why did you tell him you don't?" She creased her brow, puzzled. "I think you two make a cute couple. And you seemed so happy with him. Honestly, you looked happier than I've ever seen you."
"It's complicated..." Callie fretted.
"Try me."
Hugging herself, Callie looked down into her lap. "I'm scared. The family is just starting to accept me. What if Stef and Lena won't want me for a daughter anymore if Brandon and I date? They were so against us being together last time. They even took out a restraining order against him, just to keep us apart."
"Have you asked them how they would feel now?" Caitlin asked.
"No," she admitted.
Caitlin stroked her chin, thoughtfully. "But things are different than they were back then, Cal. I know you don't want to hear this, but you're not their daughter. Maybe in your heart you are, but not legally."
"Are you trying to make me feel worse?" Callie sighed, falling back on her pillow.
"No. I'm just saying, maybe you're missing the bigger picture? Say you and Brandon stick together? If the two of you got married, you would be a Foster, even more than you are now. You could have it all; the family and the guy."
"But what if it doesn't work out?" Callie asked. "I don't want to lose them again. How would I be able to face everyone if we broke up?"
"What if it does work out?" her friend countered, unwilling to back down.
"What if it doesn't?"
"What if it does?" She grabbed Callie's hand. "Who knows what will happen, but at least you'd be happy right now. You're always preparing for the worst case scenario, Callie. Don't you ever want to live for the day?"
"Well..."
Callie had never really considered the possibility of 'having it all.' In her mind, she and Brandon were destined for an ill-fated love, that could only end in tragedy, simply because he made her happy, and when something made her happy, it was usually snatched out from under her just when she started to feel comfortable. Looking back on her life, she'd learned to view disappointment as inevitable.
The most heartbreaking instance was with the Fosters. After searching for so long, she found a family that loved and wanted her, and whom she loved and wanted back. She was going to get adopted; it was so close, she dared to hope, thinking it was so late in the game that nothing could go wrong. Then, she found out about Robert, and her dream evaporated into thin air. Now, she was afraid to hope.
Closing her eyes for a moment, though, something Rita once told her invaded her thoughts: "Sometimes, you have to stick around long enough for your luck to find you."
Could it be, she wondered, that her luck might finally find her this time? Maybe the powers that be decided that everyone was allotted only a certain amount of tragedies in their life, and she'd met her quota early on; got all the bad stuff out of the way all at once? The idea that her troubles might be over both excited her and frightened her; she didn't know any other life.
"I don't know what to do," she cried, covering her face with her hands. Her eyes filled with fresh tears. Her practical side told her to play it safe. But how could she know if her luck had found her if she never took a chance? Part of her really did want to find out. The way she felt about Brandon, she'd never felt about anyone else in her life.
"You know what I think you should do?" Caitlin asked.
Callie sat up, eying her with a mix of skepticism and curiosity.
"I think you should go to him," her friend told her. "Be happy."
She chewed her lip, on the cusp of a decision. Then, she smiled a half-smile, nodding. "Okay... I will."
To Be Continued