A.N this is a particularly long chapter (sorry, not sorry.) Only 2 more chapters after this I think. Enjoy and Review.

Chapter 7: I don't exist in love stories.

Lyric

I hate the psychiatrist offices here.

They were beige, all of them. The hallway was beige, the doors were beige the waiting room chairs were beige, Just a repeated neutral color.

And the ugliest fucking color I've ever seen.

I asked the nurses why the offices were beige and they told me that a lot of colors make people feel things and in order to keep people from having a falling out, they painted it beige because people hardly ever associate beige with anything.

Because no one gives a shit about beige.

I heard the receptionist call my name. Once she told me it was ok to go back, I stood up.

"How're you feeling this morning?" Ms. Reyna looked at me analyzing eyes and I knew that I was going to fuck with her.

"How're you doing this morning?" I asked back.

"I'm fine, thank you."

"Are you sure about that?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, with working with a bunch of basket case children. That had to take a toll some way or another."

"I know, what you're doing?"

"Do you?" I asked, crossing my legs.

"It's a defensive mechanism. You think by questioning me and getting under my skin will divert me from trying to help you with your problems and that's fine nothing you can say will hurt me."

I gave her the same analyzing stare that she gave me. "You're alone." I said, she gave me a look and blinked. "You're alone because you think it suits you. Maybe you were in love once but it was unrequited and you didn't or couldn't do anything about it. I bet it was your best friend or someone you thought was your best friend. And you thought maybe they liked you too, so you waited. Waited for him to say it and for you guys to finally be together but it never happened. And finally you saw him but he had another girl on his arm. And maybe that girl stayed in the picture maybe now they're married. And maybe that's why you're a psychiatrist in a adolescent/teen mental hospital. Because you need to know that someone younger than you has it way worse off so you don't have to cry into that Ben & Jerry's that's been sitting in your freezer for almost a month."

We both stopped and looked at each other. Both of us with cold expressions. Until she raised an eyebrow. "Are you finished?"

"Sure."

"I'm just going to cut to the chase here." She said. "Today is visiting day. We received a call from your dad asking if you were ok for visitors yet and we told him we will see after your psych visit. I know you don't want to talk to me and, hell, I don't want to talk to you, frankly you're kind of rude."

"Thank you."

"But, if you want me to write off saying your fine for visits I'm going to need you to show me." Ms. Reyna raised an eyebrow at me as if daring me to challenge her and as much I did, I wanted even more to see my dad so I just slumped back in my chair. "Alright, I'll ask again, how are you doing this morning."

"I'm fine." I sighed. "I got to sleep at least an hour so I'm good."

"Do you have a sleeping problem, maybe?"

"No that's not it, I sleep fine at home in my own bed it's just I can't sleep in new places, it gives me anxiety." I sighed. "Not to mention the beds here are lumpy as fuck and Em turns into a lawn mower when the sun sets."

Reyna huffed a laugh before writing something down. "Nurse Erin said she saw you hang up the phone before running to your room and that you didn't come out until dinner?"

"Nurse Erin should mind her fucking business."

"Either way, you wanna tell me what that was about?"

"Not really?" Reyna just looked at me. "Fine, it was Leo."

"And Leo is?" Ms. Reyna stopped. "If it's someone who makes you feel unsafe in anyway you can tell us and we'll make sure they don't call anymore."

"What?!" I yelled. "NO! it's not like that. He's my best friend."

"Oh?"

"Yup." I swallowed. "And yesterday he told me that he was so in love with me that he didn't know what to do with himself sometimes."

"And you hung up."

"Well, yea."

Ms. Reyna pursed her lips. "Why exactly?"

"Because we've been best friends since we were 7 and I didn't need him fucking up his life by thinking he was in love with me." I looked up and Ms. Reyna was looking back at me as if asking me to clarify more. I sighed. "Valdez—I mean Leo, is like crazy smart when it comes to inventing and building things, I mean he built his own fucking car and I know he's going to do something big with his life but he can't because I'm a fucking weight he always has to carry." I sighed. "Plus, my dad was in love with my mom and look where that got him. A dead wife and a train wreck for a daughter?" I scoffed. "It's just better if we're friends."

"And why's that?"

"that way there's still the small chance he'll forget me one day and still be great." I said, sadly. "I mean, I'm meant to be his best friend not his first love."

Ms. Reyna nodded and wrote something down. "You feel the same way, don't you?" She said in a quiet tone. The type you used on traumatized animals.

"Does it matter?" I shrugged.

"Yes."

"Then, yes, I love him." I sighed. "But that doesn't change what I just said."

"Uh-huh." Ms. Reyna continued to write before looking at me with the most sincere look I've gotten all day. "Do you want to hear something about me?"

"Not really but I feel like your going to tell me anyway."

"You were right for the most part." She sighed. "I was in love with my best friend in college. We were on the same kick boxing team and I was the only girl so none one really wanted to talk to me because I kicked their asses most of the time." I huffed a laugh and she smiled. "He was just the only one who talked to me and I fell hard." She sighed. "Towards the end of our junior year, he met this girl at the coffee shop I worked at. she was my co-worker and they started dating. At first it didn't bother because I thought maybe they wouldn't last, maybe he would wake up in the middle of the night and realize he was in love with me, so I waited. I waited so long that suddenly I was getting in invitation to his wedding." Reyna sniffed a little before continuing. "I went, of course, I couldn't have him thinking that something was wrong. And people thought I was crying because it was a 'beautiful wedding' but you can guess what the reason was."

I sighed. "I'm sorry about all of that, I really am, but I'm still not seeing what this has to do with me."

"This has to do with the fact that you're being selfish."

"What?!" I said, shocked.

"Yes." Reyna nodded. "Because I don't think the reason for you not wanting to be with him is because you think you're a weight, it's because you don't want to get hurt. And that's ok, no one wants to get hurt but that doesn't mean you can shy away from every opportunity given to you."

"Are you saying that I should see dating my best friend as an opportunity?"

"No. I'm saying that if its something you want then you have to go for it. You can't just take the easy route in life. Sometimes it's going to hurt, love isn't always apple pies and picket fences, but if he makes you feel so good that your face lights up whenever you talk about him like it just did then you need to tell him before it's too late." Ms. Reyna sat back and sighed. "Lord knows I would've."

The sad look in her eye made me want to hug her but I wasn't the hugging type so I said "Fine, I'll do it."

She looked up. "Great." She turned to the computer. "I'm going to change your status from 15 minute checks to 30 minute checks so you can do all the other stuff like go to the rec room and the gym. It also allows you to have visitors. How does that sound?"

I stood up. "Thank you."

"Your welcome, Lyric."

I waved before speeding out of the horrendously beige offices.

Leo

Saying I was nervous didn't necessarily cut it.

I was petrified.

One, because hospitals made me nervous and two, this is the first time I'm seeing Lyric in over a week, nor have I spoken to her since she hung up on me when I told her I loved her. Which was not what I was expecting but still.

I looked at the door for the forth time but this time it opened and Lyric was standing there.

She looked the same, sleep-deprived, but still Lyric. Her hair was in a messy bun and she was wearing a gray t-shirt that said "Stop making stupid people famous" and black jogger pants. She looked around until we locked eyes. Her eyes went wide for just a second before she rose one eyebrow and began walking towards me. I don't know why I was nervous it was just Lyric, I've known her since forever.

"Where's my dad?" is the first thing she said to me after not seeing her for almost two weeks.

"He's outside. He figured we should talk first." I said. I looked up and she was staring back at me with the quizzical eyes that she always had whenever she sensed there was a problem.

"You told him, didn't you?"

"Told him what exactly?" I leaned forward and smirked at her. She scoffed.

"You know what?"

"Yea, I told him." I shrugged. "I actually told him before I told you."

"Who else did you tell?"

"Percy and Sally know, as well as Piper and Jason. Oh, and Jake."

"Geez, did you tell the queen too?" Lyric said, exasperated.

"No, I phoned her but she was busy."

Lyric gave me a look. It was a look that I liked to call the I'm tired of your shit look.

"We should talk about it." I said, finally.

"Or we could just ignore it, like I've been doing most of my problems for the past 17 years."

"Yea, well look where that's got you."

She frowned. "You know, I'm not crazy I'm just depressed."

"Well, I don't know about the crazy part…"

"Fuck you." She laughed. It was so good to hear her laugh so I started laughing too until I realized she stopped and was looking down. I looked down and realized at some point I moved my hand to cover hers. I moved to slide my fingers in between hers and for some reason it was different. We've held before like when she was pulling me into another one of her plans that never seemed to work or just holding hands just to be holding them. It was never weird then, it never felt like it did now.

I looked up to see she was staring back. My brown eyes met with her vibrant green, and time slowed. I didn't realize I was leaning forward until she broke the eye contact to look down at my lips and she looked back up to me with hooded eyes. I leaned in to close the gap between us…

And she pulled away.

Her hand. Her mouth. Her entire essence pulled away from me in one swift motion. And I was so close… so close that I could smell the vanilla oatmeal body scrub that she always used, so close that I could've found out if she tasted like vanilla too.

But she pulled away.

And the truth was becoming so clear to me but I wanted to ignore it. To ignore that there was a possibility that Lyric could very well not like me back. That I was the one making our relationship awkward because I was the one who couldn't get a handle on my emotions.

"I think I'd like to see my dad now." She whispered, not even daring to look up at me.

"Um… yea, sorry." I said, before leaving the visiting room and her behind.