CHAPTER FIVE

Carte Blanche

I posted this chapter as a short piece when I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to finish this book. So it may be familiar to some of you. The missing parts between the end of the last chapter and the beginning of this one are another short piece that I've not posted yet, and only have half finished. If you're interested, keep an eye out for it. It will be called "Into the Unknown".

"Tell me something I don't know," River whispered as she rested her head on the Doctor's shoulder, her fingertips trailing over the light hairs on his chest.

"Hmm?"

She smiled at the soft sound from his throat and snuggled a bit closer to him under the warmth of the blankets. The full skin-on-skin contact reminded her of just how perfect their bodies had to fit together in those long minutes of passion and intimacy, unlike anything she had ever experienced.

"Tell me something I'll never find in the history books. Something about you that no one knows."

"Like what?"

"Well, if I knew, I wouldn't be asking."

He smiled, raking his dull nails lightly across her scalp as he held her gently. But he didn't answer. At least, not right away. Finally, he took a deep breath, his chest rising and falling beneath her before he turned onto his side and propped his head up with his elbow.

"What do you want to know?"

"Anything?" she asked, curious.

"As long as it doesn't break any rules, yes."

She knew the rules he was referring to, and she was perfectly happy to remain within those parameters. She didn't really want to know about her own future, anyway.

"Would you be honest?"

He hesitated on that question, studying her with a curiosity of his own. "If I'm not inclined to be honest, I won't answer at all." He touched his fingertip to her nose. "But no using that to get answers to yes or no questions you know I don't want to answer."

She smiled. "I thought you said you'd answer anything that didn't break the rules."
"I did. And I will."

"Alright, then. Do you have an actual name?"

"Anything except that."

She raised a brow. "Why is that such a secret?"

"Answering that question would fall under the category of 'things in your future'. Off limits. Next question."

She paused, not sure how to continue for a moment. But in spite of his cagey words and tone, he was smiling at her, his fingertips tracing light patterns on her stomach. She studied him for a long moment as she thought of all the questions that had swirled in her head when she tried to connect the dots of his life. But just now, most of those questions seemed moot. She didn't want to interview him. She wanted to know him.

"I realize this may be a silly question, but... Have you ever been in love before?"

He hesitated - a hesitation which made her tense slightly, afraid she'd crossed a line she didn't know existed. He had said she could ask him anything. But there were some things best not remembered, let alone discussed. She wasn't sure, but it was entirely possible she'd just found one of them.

"Yes," he finally said, his whisper barely loud enough to disturb the silence around them. "Twice, actually. Not including..."

He trailed off. Looking up at him, she pulled her arm free so she could brush his hair back from his face again. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it."

"No, it's alright," he said quietly. But he didn't sound convinced. "It's been a long time. They're all... long gone, now. One of them isn't even in this universe anymore. Well... she wasn't. When she died. Time is in flux, ever-changing, completely navigable and that's true but... it's a lot easier to think that the people I knew in previous lives are dead and gone now. It makes it hurt less, somehow."

She considered it quietly. That was an interesting way of looking at things. Her "childhood" in Ledworth and her current life couldn't be much further apart, but the friends she'd had in both had remained constant. True, she didn't actually see her mother and father now, but she knew they were alive. The Doctor still travelled with them, in fact.

"I can't pretend to know what it's like to lose someone you love," she admitted quietly.

He gave her a tight smile. "Yeah."

Smiling back, she ran her fingers down his cheek in a comforting gesture. "Tell me about them. Please."

He gave her a sort of sad half-smile. "I wouldn't know where to start."

"Start at the beginning."

"Puppy love."

She chuckled. "You?"

"I was young and stupid, she was pretty and foreign."

"Foreign?"

"Human. It was infatuation, really. Not love."

"Love came later?"

"Not with her."

"With who, then?"

He paused, and she watched as his eyes grew a bit distant. "I had a whole family, once. A very long time ago..."

"Oh?"

"Two little girls. Their mother was..." He laughed quietly as he shook his head. "She killed me once."

At that, River laughed. "She what?"

He looked down at River with a smile and his fingertips lightly over her lips. "You did the same thing."

"That wasn't my fault; I was brainwashed."

"Yes, you were." His smile broadened as he pulled her closer and kissed her forehead lovingly.

"And I brought you back."

"Yes, you did."

"So... two little girls, mother who killed you. But only once?"

He laughed. "Well, when you put it like that..."

"I've already gotten a taste of how infuriating you can be. If she was actually with you long enough to start a family, I'm not sure I could blame her."

"Nah, she killed me long before then."

"How? Why?"

"To save the universe." He paused and finished softly. "From what I had become..."

"Was she brainwashed, too?"

"No, she was just... very brave."

River blinked. That wasn't the adjective she'd been expecting.

"Brave enough to kill me and actually... she did it more than once, come to think of it."

"So you have a habit of falling in love with women who want you dead?"

He smirked. "She didn't want me dead; that was the whole point. She did it because it was the only way to save me. Of course, I'm not sure she knew that at the time. She did it because... well, because I asked her to. Because I really wanted her to do it and because she was the only one who could. The only one brave enough."

River didn't speak as he paused for a long moment, his smile fading as his thoughts wandered.

"She was a paradox," he finally continued. "She should've died, the day I met her. A fixed point in time. But I saved her life. I altered history."

"Oh, you naughty boy!"

"Don't worry, I paid for it."

"How so?"

"Exile."

She raised a brow, questioningly.

"Not only from Gallifrey but from the entire universe Gallifrey was part of. This universe."

"How did that happen?"

"Her existence created a tear in the fabric of time. It shouldn't have been as serious as it was but... well, things happen. As it turned out, I ended up wandering around in a universe of anti-time for who knows how long, feeling like someone had ripped one of my hearts out of my chest... A universe without time is no place for a Time Lord."

Her eyes were wide with surprise and wonder. "Anti-time?"

"Difficult to explain."

She suppressed her curiosity by sheer force of will. "Another time, then. I still want to hear about this woman who killed you. And you still had a family with her, after? How many regenerations did she cost you?"

"None." He smiled. "That's the really incredible part."

She openly gaped before she caught herself and snapped her mouth shut. "But...how?"

"To be honest, I was never quite sure." He paused. "She put a sword through me, right between my hearts. I felt myself die. Felt my mind drift into the APCNet. But then I came back. As if she hadn't killed me, but only the thing inside of me. I still had the scar, though. I carried that scar until I regenerated..."

"Wow." Slowly, River contained her wonder. She found herself smirking at the mere thought of someone who would come at the Doctor with a sword. "She didn't fool around, did she?"

He chuckled, then let the silence settle again. River's smirk faded as she played out the rest of the scene in her mind. The woman hadn't just come at him... If what he was saying was true, she actually plunged that sword into his chest. River thought, just for a moment, about how that must have felt. Assuming the woman had loved him even half as much as he loved her, to look him in the eye and kill him, to watch his blood run in such an untidy death and to know that he was fading away in pain because of something she had done... It was no wonder he had called her brave.

"She was, perhaps, the bravest human I have ever known. And that... is saying a lot."

River nodded slowly in agreement. She couldn't imagine being faced with a choice like that. To kill the Doctor, simply because he wanted her to do...

"How else did she kill you?" she asked. "You said it happened more than once. Why? I assume she had a very good reason."

"Well... the other time I remember off the top of my head, she cut my throat." His voice was lighter again, almost conversational. "Wasn't crazy about the idea, mind you, I think it was a bit more blood than she cared to feel on her hands especially when feeling was one of the few senses we had left in that place. Horrible place - a world of complete sensory deprivation: no time, can't see, can't smell, can't taste, barely able to feel touch... Not my finest moment. I didn't really die there, at least I don't think I did. But I easily could have. Had to... show a sentient sound creature my vocal chords."

"My God!"

"Yeah, nasty stuff. Glad there's no chance of ever visiting that place again."

"Was that in that anti-time place?"

"Yes."

She shuddered. "Alright, so enough about death, what about life?"

"What about it?"

"Your children. Your family."

"Ah, yes, children. Julia and India. They lived with their mother on Earth. I came and went. The one time in all my lives that I felt like I really had a home. Other than the Tardis, I mean."

"They were half Time Lord then?"

"Sort of. India was. Julia... she was a bit more complicated. They were thirteen and sixteen years old when they..."

He cut off abruptly, and swallowed. Seeing the flash of pain in his eyes, she cupped her hand on his cheek. "You lost them, didn't you?"

He smiled sadly and lowered his eyes. "Like I said. It was all a very long time ago."

Leaning in, she kissed him lightly, softly. "And like I said, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to do."

He returned the kiss, and pursued another before pulling her close again and setting his chin on top of her head. "You should sleep." He smirked slightly. "You may be part Gallifreyan, but you sleep like a human. And you have classes in the morning."

She laughed slightly. "What does that mean?"

"It means you need far more hours than I ever did."

"I'm fine," she protested, although she couldn't quite suppress a yawn.

He chuckled softly. "Of course you are."

He stroked his hand slowly up and down her back, from her shoulders to the base of her spine. She shivered as she smiled, and instinctively curled into him more.

"Really, I'm wide awake," she lied.

He tipped his head down until his lips rested against her ear and whispered softly. "Shhhh..."

She tried to protest again, but she suddenly realized just how tired she was. "Will you stay, Doctor?"

"For a little while," he whispered back, dulled nails still scratching her back lightly. "At least until morning. If you like."

"Yes."

Another soft kiss on her brow, and she could feel herself relaxing into the warmth and safety of his arms. Sighing deeply, she let her eyes slide closed and slowly drifted into a deep, restful sleep.