A/N: I'm back :) Thank you all for sticking with me and waiting patiently for an update. Just a quick reassurance that the angst isn't going to remain as intense as it has been. I am a hopeless romantic at heart so it has been a little harder to write the angst then I thought it would be, however the impact of it is needed to take this story where I want it to go. I hope this chapter renews your hope a little bit, just keep in mind that we still have Castle's recovery to get through. :) Thank you Bec, for continuing to stick with me, I couldn't do this without you!

Disclaimer: I am currently waiting for Marlowe to discover me. :)

Chapter 9: Healing

There is a quiet moment as Castle begins to stir, a moment that gives her hope that this will be somewhat easy. When his eyes finally flutter open, and focus on her, that hope quickly vanishes. She tells herself that no matter how he reacts, she will not leave until he has heard her out. Afterwards, if he still wants her to leave, then she will go.

He's staring at her, and she sees the moment it registers to him that she is really here. She backs up a few steps to give him some space, but she holds her ground near the end of his bed. He starts trying to sit up in the bed before the pain hits him and he doubles back over. She steps forward to help him but he glances up and shoots her a glare that has her stepping back to where she was. She hates this, hates that he's in so much pain and it's all her fault. He finally manages to get into a sitting position, that looks completely uncomfortable, and he eases back against the headboard before making eye contact with her again. She's just happy he hasn't ordered her to leave yet, hopes she doesn't change her mind before the conversation is over.

"Kate, what are you doing here? I asked you to leave last night, I said I couldn't do this right now, could you not respect that?"

He isn't speaking harshly, but there is no kindness to his tone either; he sounds defeated and it breaks her heart. She has to fix this.

"Castle, please…I did leave when you asked me to last night, but I couldn't sleep knowing how we left things. There is an explanation for why I went to see Josh. Please just let me explain and then if you still want me to go, I will."

"How did you get back in anyway, and how long have you been here?"

"I came back around three this morning, your mother let me in. I explained everything to her, Castle. She heard me out and I am still here, that has to say something."

She's not really giving him a choice here. He can't really run from her and, as unfair as that is, she is determined to tell him her side of things. If he will just listen to her they might still have a chance.

"Fine, Kate, I'm not making any promises here, but I am listening."

She lets out a little sigh of relief as she prepares herself to tell him what happened. She remains where she is for now, standing seems like more incentive for her to push forward.

"Castle, when I got that call from Martha and found out you were gone, I had no idea what could have happened. When I left you that morning, things were going so well between us, it just didn't make sense that you would disappear. I was trying to figure out what could have happened to make you do something like that. The hospital told Martha that you had checked yourself out, and that's when I started thinking back over the last few days. I had been on my way to the loft so that we could start looking for you, and that's when I remembered the way Josh had looked at us when he came into your hospital room that night. I knew it had to be him, so I turned around and went to the hospital."

"Kate, if this is the part where you tell me that you and Doctor Motorcycle Boy got back together then you can save it. I told you, you have no obligations to me. It's your life, you can do what you want."

He looks away from her then, and she feels like she is losing him before she's even really started to explain.

"Please, Rick… Please don't shut me out, this is the part you need to hear."

Her mention of his first name causes him to look back up at her. She doesn't use it often, but she needs him to know how serious she is about this and it seems to have caught his attention. He doesn't say anything but he gives her a slight nod so she knows that she can continue.

"I went to talk to Josh so that I could find out what he had done. I knew before I even got to his office that he was the reason you were gone. I barged into his office without even knocking and the look on his face said it all. I have never been that mad in my life, Castle. I just wanted to knock him out. He thought he was going to get me back. He was wrong."

He's listening intently now, and she can see he's starting to soften a little, so she continues.

"I asked him what he had done and I demanded an explanation. He said he had told you all of the things that I was really thinking but would never say. He thought he was doing me a favor, Castle, but the only thing he did was hurt the man I love and thoroughly piss me off. You have to believe me when I tell you that he was so wrong about everything. I made sure that he knows how I feel about you, and then I told him to stay out of our lives. He tried to kiss me and I pushed him away, I told him I was going to find you and I walked out. I know I wasn't the one to find you, Castle, but the boys insisted on searching while I went to the loft to talk to Martha and Alexis. When they text me that they had found you, I was so thankful and I just wanted to be here when you got home. I wanted to fix this, to fix us."

She's fighting her emotions again and she gives in this time and lets a tear slide down her cheek. She watches him as he takes in everything she's just said and she wants to get past this so badly. She wants to go back to where they were and then move forward and forget all about Josh. She can't stand here, with so much distance between them, any longer and with slight hesitation she steps forward until she's at the bed. She carefully eases down next to him and takes a deep breath as she waits for him, but the silence is killing her.

"Castle, if you don't hear anything else I say, please hear this. Nothing that Josh said is true, none of it, okay? My feelings for you are one hundred percent honest. I care about you so deeply. You were a part of me before the shooting and I can't imagine my life without you in it. I was just too stubborn to admit it before. You are an amazing man and I don't deserve you, but I need you, Castle, and if you still want me, I will do everything I can to be the woman that you deserve."

He's still silent, and she can't stand it. She needs to know what he's thinking.

"Castle, please say something."

Her heart is pounding so loudly in her chest she wonders if he can hear it.

"I don't understand why he did this, Kate. I would be upset if I lost you too but this was low even for him. I want to believe you, I do, but I can't get what he said out of my head. I need you to know that if you don't want this, if you are only doing it to spare my feelings, that you can tell me. I won't hold it against you. I don't want you to regret anything."

She hates this so much, hates that he has that much doubt in her. If she didn't love him so much she would tell him to find someone better but she just can't walk away. A life without him now would be no life at all. She reaches forward and takes his hand in hers.

"I don't know why Josh did this, or what he thought he was going to accomplish. The truth is though, you were already doubting me before he talked to you, if you hadn't been then his plan would have never worked. It hurts like hell to know that, but I have no one to blame but myself. I should have been honest with everyone from the beginning. I made a mistake but I am trying desperately to fix it. Castle, opening up has never been easy for me, and letting people in is even harder, but you mean so much to me. I am not letting you go without a fight. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I'm in this. Falling in love with you wasn't something I expected, but, now, I never want to know what it's like to not love you. Please don't push me away, please."

She's an emotional wreck now and she just doesn't care anymore. If there is one person that she needs to allow to see this side of her, it's him. No more hiding feelings, no more holding back. She told him everything; what happens next is up to him.

"Kate, I'm sorry."

Oh god, she can't handle this. He's sorry? Even after everything she just told him he's still going to send her away. She starts to pull away from him now, needs that distance back if he's really about to break her heart, but he grips her hand tighter, keeps her where she is.

"Wait, Kate, no… Let me try this again. I'm sorry for all of this. I'm sorry that I listened to Josh and took off without giving you a chance to explain. You're right, I was already doubting you before that and yes it is partly because of the choices you've made but I still should have given you a chance. It's not like me to come to a conclusion without hearing the whole story first, my emotions are just all over the place and this medicine doesn't help with that either. I'm all over the place right now and I apologize for that."

She can't help the little sob that escapes her throat; she thought he was sending her away. She thought he was giving up on them. They really need to work on their communication skills.

"Kate, I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to explain last night, that wasn't fair of me and you didn't deserve to be treated that way. The pain was so intense by the time I got back here, and I had dwelled on what Josh said so much I let my emotions take over. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I do promise to listen to you. I promise to work through things with you as long as you are willing to be open and work through them with me. I love you and I never want to stop loving you."

Oh this man, he never ceases to amaze her. She is so thankful for another chance for them, so glad that she doesn't have to leave here and walk away from him.

"Castle, I promise, whatever it takes, I'm in this. Thank you, for hearing me out and for believing me. No more apologies, okay? We're here now and we're on the same page, that's all that matters to me."

He gives her a smile and oh, God, that smile, she missed it so much. She smiles back and for the first time in hours she feels like things are actually going to work out for them. They are two people who are very much a mess, but they love each other and they are willing to put in the work.

"So, what now, Castle?"

"Well, you could start by kissing me."

He gives her a wink and she can't deny him when he looks at her like that. Plus she's been dying to kiss him ever since she walked back into his room. So she leans forward and softly kisses him, and she can't help the little moan that she lets out. He smiles against her lips as she pulls away and she laughs as she rests her forehead against his.

"Oh, Kate, I can't wait until I can kiss you in a way that shows you just how much you mean to me."

She pulls back to look at him and, with a wink, she whispers back, "Oh, Castle, you have no idea."