A/N:Thank you again for waiting patiently for me to update. I am leaving for a mini vacation tomorrow so this will be my last update until next week. Tuesday is my birthday so I'll try to do a chapter then as part of the celebrating :) This chapter is going to show you both Castle and Beckett's point of view. I separated them by line breaks so it won't be too confusing! Thanks again to Bec, you rock! :)

Disclaimer: I love the writers of Castle and the story they have created, sometimes my imagination runs away with them though.

Chapter 12: Desolation

He's been here for a week, seven long days that actually feel more like a month. He still thinks he made the right decision coming to the Hamptons to recover; he's still enjoying the peaceful setting and roar of the ocean in the background. There's something missing though. Her. He's talked to her on the phone, listened carefully to the tone of her voice, and she seems to be handling it okay, but it's probably a good thing he can't actually see her. She's always been good at acting; she can hold it together better than most even when she's falling apart on the inside.

He starts his cardiac rehab today. He gave himself a day to get settled before he made the call. He found a Cardiac Rehab Center not far from the house, it seems to come highly recommended so he feels good about it. He's ready to start this process, ready to feel like himself again. They had an opening today and he took it, was thankful for the few days he had to just enjoy the quiet of the house. He's looking forward to getting out though, so by the time the car service arrives to pick him up he's been out on the porch waiting for close to an hour.

It's a nice big building filled with friendly faces and it reassures him that he's made the right decision in doing this here. Once he's met the therapist and they've gone over his medical records, and his physical condition has been assessed, he's shown to the room where he will do most of his rehab. Today is an easy day, just learning some of what he will be doing and a few strength exercises he can start on. The idea is not to put any strain on the injury for the next week or so, until the incision is fully healed.

He arrives back at the house later feeling really good about everything. His incision is almost healed, his physical condition is good, and he feels comfortable with the therapist who's going to help him over the next few months. Things are going better than he expected and he's just thankful that he's still here. He hopes that it stays this way, hopes that the calming feeling he has remains. It's not until that night, when he's alone in his master bedroom, drifting off to sleep, that the calmness disappears, leaving in its wake a dark storm.

She's sitting in her captain's office, alone, still waiting after thirty minutes for Gates to return and conduct the meeting. She's trying to focus on what this could be about but all she can think about is him. She's got to get a grip, she used to be better at hiding her emotions than this. Finally Gates is coming back into her office and she takes a deep breath.

"Detective Beckett, it's come to my attention that there have been a few incidents involving you this week. When you are here I need you to give your all, there is no excuse for putting your partners lives in danger as well as your own. Would you care to explain what's going on?"

Shit. She can't tell Gates what's really going on, if she does there is no way Castle will ever be allowed back here. Captain Montgomery may have let something like this slide but she has a feeling that Gates will not tolerate it. She hasn't even met Castle yet and she's already expressed her dislike of the fact that he is allowed in her precinct.

"Sir, I uh…I'm sorry, you're right. Doing my job the way I have this past week is dangerous and it's not like me to be this careless. I think that everything that happened with Castle and I is just getting to me. I can't seem to focus on anything else. I'll get myself together tonight."

"No, Detective, I don't think you will. I don't know what's really going on here but it's clear to me that you are not one hundred percent and, until you are, I can't have you working and putting my other detectives in danger."

"I can get it together, Sir. I just need to go home and sort things out. I'll come back tomorrow focused and ready to go."

"My decision has already been made; I want you to take a leave of absence. Whatever is going on in your life, whomever it involves, I need you to work it out before you come back. Until you can give your all I don't want to see you back here. An emotionally driven detective is a dangerous one, am I clear?"

She can't object to anything Gates has said because the truth is she's right. She can't do her job while she's in this state of mind.

"Yes, Sir, I understand."

"Get yourself together, Detective, and then get back here and do what you do best."

She nods and exits her captain's office, goes to her desk to pack everything up. Ryan and Espo approach her cautiously, not sure of the type of reaction they are going to receive.

"Yo, Beckett, what's going on?"

"Gates put me on leave of absence. She thinks I'm a danger to myself and everyone on the team and she's right. Until I get things figured out with Castle, and know that he's okay, I can't do this job the way that I'm supposed to. So I guess I'll see you both when I figure out what the hell I'm doing."

"Hey, we didn't mean to get you in trouble. We just didn't want to see you get hurt, today was a close call. I know you miss Castle and we miss him too. So go see him or whatever you plan to do and then when he's better get him back here, okay?"

"I understand. Ryan, I put you both in danger today and I'm sorry, that's never okay, there's no excuse for that. Thank you for having my back. Please keep me informed if you find anything on the shooter? I won't be able to let this go until I know Castle is safe."

"Yeah of course, Beckett, we have your back. Take care of yourself and be careful."

She hugs the boys before making her way to the elevator. This job is what she does best, it's what she was meant to do, but she needs her partner back. She needs this time to figure out their relationship and she needs to forgive herself for what happened to Castle. And more than anything she needs to find herself because she's more than just a detective and if she's ever going to be what Castle deserves she needs to figure it out.

She packs her bags that night without thinking; she knows where she needs to be. She hopes he wants her there as badly as she wants to be there. She calls his mother to let her know what she's doing; the older woman is thrilled with what she's decided. They both know Castle is strong and that he needed to go there, but they also both agree that he needs her. She gets the address from Martha and heads towards his house in the Hamptons. She doesn't text him that she's coming, she won't give him a chance to try and talk her out of it. She's going to help him through this and they are going to help each other heal.

It's pitch black in his room, quiet in a way that only the night can bring, until the nightmare he's having becomes all too real. He jerks straight up in his sleep, gasps for air as the panic floods his entire body. It's all too vivid right now; he's back in that cemetery, he feels the bullet burning in his chest. He jumped in front of the bullet to save her, because he wants a life with her, but he's dying and that life is fading away. He screams out her name, and his voice is almost hoarse by the time he comes back to reality.

He's in his bed, in the Hamptons, there is no cemetery, no bullet in his chest, and he's alive. He's never had a nightmare like that before. His chest burns from the way he jerked himself up and from the memory of the bullet. He feels like he just relived that day all over again. He gets up to take a pain pill and grabs a bottle of water before heading back to his bed. He's still tense from the realness of the dream so he decides to walk out on the balcony for a little while. Maybe some fresh air will do him good, soothe his nerves a little. He gets all of three steps out onto the balcony when he sees the dark figure standing on the beach. Although the beach is remotely private there are still neighbors in the area that could be out there. There's something different about this though, something that has that panic flaring back to life. The person hasn't moved, and he can't seem to make himself move either.

He's trying not to make any sounds as the panic rises within him. He manages to stumble backward into the house and lock the door, not that locks will do him any good. If that's the shooter and he wants him dead, he's dead no matter how many locks he has. He somehow makes it into his bathroom before he sinks to the floor and the panic fully takes hold. He can't breathe, can't even function enough to call anyone. The pain in his chest is so intense it doubles him over and he couldn't fight now if he wanted to.

She makes it to the Hamptons sometime in the middle of the night. She's restless and she just needs to see him. She hopes that he's happy to see her, that this will prove to him how in this she really is. This isn't something she does, she doesn't come after people and she doesn't open herself up like this but she's coming after him and she's going to let him see everything she is. She knocks on the door several times and when no answer comes, she finally takes out her phone and calls him. The second time it goes to voicemail she starts to worry, if he was sleeping he surely would have heard the phone the second time. She searches around the front of the house and finds the spare key Martha had told her about.

She normally wouldn't do something like this, wouldn't invade his home like this, but she needs to know he's okay, needs an explanation for him not answering her calls. She's never been here before so she scopes everything out as she moves cautiously through the house. After assuring he's not on the first floor she makes her way up the stairs, and that's when she hears the whimpering coming from one of the rooms.

"Castle? It's Kate, I tried the door but you didn't answer."

Hearing no response, she pushes the door to the master bedroom open. He's not in the bed but she can hear the whimpering louder now and she springs into action. Scanning the room for any signs of him, she comes to a stop outside the bathroom door. When she opens it, she's completely unprepared for what's behind it.

She finds Castle, crumpled on the floor of his bathroom, eyes wide with panic, gasping for air and completely unaware that she is there.