A/N: In extreme gratitude for this story hitting 400 followers, I am posting this chapter a little early. I will warn you ahead of time that this chapter is pretty heavy. Were diving head first into Castle's PTSD. Stay with me though, as I have promised before, Caskett will prevail, there will be no break-ups or other relationships. Once again thank you for all of the reviews, favorites and follows! Please continue to leave reviews as it lets me know that I'm still writing readable material. Thanks again to my beta, Ally for sticking with me and for the encouragement and brainstorming sessions.

Disclaimer: I wish that I had created them, but borrowing them is still pretty fun.

Chapter 17: Spinning Out of Control

The night starts out peaceful; it seems the universe knows how much they both need to rest. She's lying with her back to him but they've both snuggled closer as the need for each other takes over. They manage to get several hours of sleep before another nightmare takes hold of Castle, and the storm once again rages around them.

The intensity of this one seems to have Castle paralyzed, he's whimpering and mumbling incoherent things but the only movement is his head back and forth on his pillow. She startles awake and turns to face him, and the moment she reaches out to him, all hell breaks loose. He screams out as he lurches forward and the only word he is saying now is clear.

He's on his feet before she can register what's happening and he's backing away from the bed, into the corner of the room. "No" is the only thing he is saying and he keeps repeating it over and over. By the time she gets out of the bed and over to him, he's crouched in the corner and his eyes are wide with fear. His breath is coming out in short gasps and his focus is clearly on something that isn't in the room.

Her heart aches for him as she kneels down beside him and tries to focus on the things Dr. Wood told her to do. She wasn't there when the first panic attack he had started, but this one seems to be more intense than the last one. She doesn't touch him yet, still aware of what happened the last time and the last thing she wants is for him to feel guilty if he lashes out again. She needs to remain calm more than anything so that's what she focuses on.

"Castle?" She calls his name softly, repeating it a few times until he seems to calm a little. When his eyes seem to focus on her she tries to reassure him.

"Hey, it's okay I'm right here, you're okay."

He lets out a small whimper of pain and he blinks at her, the fear still very evident in his eyes.

"You were dreaming again, can you tell me what you were dreaming about?"

He swallows hard and sucks in a breath as he tries to speak. "It…it was him…he was here, in the house. He had a gun and he kept saying he was going to make me watch him kill you. He said there was nothing I could do to save you."

He chokes up then and he clutches his chest as the panic rises again. "I couldn't…I couldn't save you…." He tries to take a breath then but the combination of his panic and the sobs stop him from getting much air.

"Oh Castle, it's okay, you did save me. I'm here, you didn't lose me." She tries to remain calm as the tears threaten to take hold of her too. "I'll be right back, I'm just going to get something from the bathroom. I'm not leaving." She rises quickly and grabs a washcloth from the shelf and wets it before returning to him. She places the cloth over his neck and scoots so she's sitting right next to him.

"Take deep breaths, I'll take them with you, just focus on me. I'm not going anywhere I promise." It takes a few moments but he finally calms down and matches his breathing with hers. When she feels him relax a little she reaches out and takes his hand and when he squeezes back she lets out a sigh of relief. She turns to him then, reaches out to softly run her thumb over his cheek where the tears are drying.

"I'm so sorry you're going through this, it breaks my heart to see you like this. I wish I could do more to help you." She drops her head but he reaches out and lifts her chin.

"It's not your fault Kate; you are helping me more than you know just by being here with me. Thank you for helping me through that just now, I couldn't do this without you."

"Always." She smiles as the word leaves her mouth. "I don't plan on going anywhere. Now let's get out of the floor, you need to rest."

She helps him up and back into the bed, once he is settled he reaches out for her and she smiles as she cuddles into his side.

"I'm still afraid I'll hurt you Kate, but the thought of being away from you makes this all seem so much worse. I don't know what to do." He reaches for her hand and runs his thumb softly over her knuckles.

"I'll tell you what we do, we do this together. We've always been stronger together, and I know you are worried about hurting me, but it's okay. You didn't hurt me earlier, and I know you would never hurt me on purpose. This is just something we have to work through, and I don't think doing it apart is the answer." She tightens her grip on his hand, and he kisses the top of her head.

"Okay, you're right, we can do this together."

She leans up and kisses him, pouring everything she's feeling into the kiss and he moans into her mouth before she pulls away. He doesn't hide his disappointment as she settles back into his side.

"Soon." That's all she gives him at first but then she whispers the rest. "And when the time does come, it will be extraordinary because we waited so long for it."

He's still smiling when he finally drifts off to sleep with her in his arms.

The rest of the night passes, allowing them both to get some much needed sleep. When she wakes in his arms for the first time since everything got worse, she can't contain the smile that stretches across her face. She hums contentedly and he shifts beside her before wrapping his arms around her.

"This is nice." She loves the way his voice sounds early in the morning, when he's still under the pull of sleep, but aware of what he is saying.

"Yes it is. I love being in your arms and there is something about waking up in them that I like even better." She traces patterns across his chest with her right hand, wanting this moment to last forever.

When his phone starts going off alerting them that they have to get ready for his cardiac rehab appointment, he groans in disappointment. "I don't want to move."

"Mmmm, I don't either, but we have to get you better so that this time spent in bed can be put to even better use." She gives him a saucy wink as she sits up and swings her legs over the side of the bed.

"Kate…don't say things like that to me, it's not fair that I can't act on them."

She laughs, and it's the first time she's felt like they are on the right track since she got here. They seem more like them and it's exactly what she needed. He follows her out of the bed and she heads to make his breakfast and coffee as he gets ready for the day. Once he's downstairs and she makes sure he has everything he needs, she heads upstairs to get ready.

She waits for him on a bench outside the cardiac rehab facility. It's a beautiful day and the sunshine is doing wonders for her mood from the last few weeks. She doesn't even think about the fact that sitting outside could potentially put her in the aim of another sniper; she's too wrapped up in her thoughts of Castle. Normally her detective senses would kick in and she'd be aware of everything around her, but once again the dark figure remains unnoticed while he watches from a distance.

It would be easy for him to take her out, she's more vulnerable now than she's been in a long time and one shot could easily take her out. His job at the moment isn't to take her out though; it's to watch, so for now, she remains unharmed and unaware.

When Castle exits the building and spots her alone on the bench, his good mood suddenly turns to distress. He's panting by the time he makes it over to her and she notices him.

"Kate…why are you sitting out here on this bench alone, do you not remember what happened to us only a few weeks ago? How could you put yourself in danger like that? What if I came out here and you were gone or worse, dead all because you put yourself in harm's way?"

She stands up from her place on the bench, surprised by his sudden outburst.

"Castle, calm down, nothing happened to me, I'm right here."

He steps closer to her, unable to fathom the thought of anything happening to her while he was in therapy. "The guy who shot you is still out there, Kate. He's still out there waiting for the perfect opportunity to take you out and you could have just given it to him."

She huffs, the reality of what he is saying setting in and she steps into his arms, wraps herself around him to calm them both down. His heart is racing and his breathing is accelerated and she knows this could be signs that he is on the verges of a panic attack. "I'm sorry Rick, I wasn't thinking, the sun was so bright and it was so beautiful out here I just needed some time to sit and be lost in thought for a little while. I wasn't even thinking about the shooter, I'm sorry."

He holds her tighter, and she buries her face in the crook of his neck, places her lips against his neck to calm him. "I can't lose you Kate, please don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere, it's okay, I'm right here. I promise I'll be smarter about things."

"Speaking of being smarter, we're still standing out here in the open, let's get out of here."

He pulls away from her and tugs on her hand until they are back to her car. He reluctantly releases her hand as they both slide into their seats and then quickly reestablishes his connection with her. Just as she is pulling away from the building, Castle spots the man he's been claiming to see.

"Kate! It's him, there he is, oh my gosh he was this close to you all this time." He's freaking out beside her and she's trying to figure out where he is looking while deciding how she is going to calm him down. She doesn't see anyone anywhere around them but he's still staring in the same direction.

"Kate what are you doing? We have to get out of here, he's going to kill us."

"Castle, I don't see anyone, where is he?"

Just as he turns back to point to where the man had been standing, he drops his hand and looks back at her.

"I swear her was just there, he was standing right there watching us."

"I didn't see anyone Castle, are you sure it was the same man?"

He looks back at her then, and she knows It was the wrong thing to say by the look on his face.

"Castle…"

"Just drop it, drive us home please."

She sighs and pulls out, glancing at him every few minutes on the way back to the house. He's quiet the whole way but she's not surprised.

When they get back to the house he gets out and waits for her and she thinks things might be okay but once they are in the house he heads for his office and she jumps a little when the door shuts much harder than usual. He clearly wants to be alone so she lets him have some time. She grabs a book from her bag and heads to the couch, figures she can catch up on some reading while she waits for him to come to her.

It's several hours later when she wakes on the couch, realizing she drifted off sometime after she started reading. She glances at her watch and sits up, placing the book she was reading onto the table. It's been extremely quiet since Castle disappeared into his office, and it's very unlike him to stay quiet for that long. She decides to go find him and try to clear things up, he's usually the one to push her to open up but it seems the roles have been reversed. This fight or whatever it is, is her fault anyways, she should have been more careful with her word choice earlier.

She's quiet as she approaches his office door, listening for any movement behind the door, when she doesn't hear any she softly knocks and waits for a response. When she doesn't get one, she slowly turns the handle and pushes the door open. She thinks the room is empty at first so she turns to close the door again.

"Castle?" The door to his office is almost shut behind her when she hears some noise coming from inside. She turns back around and opens the door again, listening for any more noise.

"Castle are you in here?" The room is large but not large enough that she shouldn't be able to see him if he's still there. She walks closer to his desk and that's when she sees him, sitting against the wall behind his desk with a bottle of scotch beside him. She has no idea how full the bottle was when he started but it's extremely close to empty now. She's not sure what the side effects are of combining drinking with some of the pain medications he is on but she's sure it's not going to be good. She's only ever seen him drink scotch a few times, and never in excess.

She kneels down beside him and she can smell the liquor on him before she ever makes it all the way down. This could be very bad and she's not sure she can handle it on top of everything else. "Castle?" She shakes his shoulder gently, careful not to jostle the still healing wound on his chest. He grunts and mumbles something incoherent but he otherwise doesn't move. "Castle, wake up!" He grunts again and opens one eye then the other before trying to focus on her. "Are you awake now?" He blinks a few times before focusing on her again.

"Yes, Kate I'm awake, can you stop talking so loudly. What time is it?"

"It's only been a few hours since you came in here, I fell asleep on the couch, have you been drinking this whole time?"

He glances down at the bottle of scotch like he's only just remembering that it's there. "Oh, I um, yeah I had a few glasses."

"Seriously? Do you know how dangerous it is to drink while you are on pain medication? I can't believe you would do this."

He turns his head from her then and he seems determined to not look at her again. "Yes, I am aware of the dangers Kate, I read the side effects on the bottle. I didn't drink that much I just needed something to take the edge off."

"Something to take the edge off of what? I was giving you time to cool off and then I was going to come and talk to you. I'm sorry for the way I worded things earlier I didn't mean for it to come out like that. We have been doing so much better communicating and now you're drinking, this is bad Castle."

She knows all to well what turning to the bottle does to people. She watched her dad do it when her mother died, she can't handle watching Castle do it as well.

He turns back to her then but his face is full of anger. "Well it did come out like that. Do you think this is easy for me? Everything that's going on and trying to deal with it all on top of seeing this man everywhere we go." She starts to say something but he waves a hand to cut her off. "Look I started thinking when I came in here earlier, you're right, you haven't seen him any of the times that I have. I can't think of any other reason for that other than the fact that he might not exist."

"Castle, that's not what I am saying, I'm sure he's very real to you, I just can't help but wonder why you have seen him all these times and I have yet to see him."

She crosses her legs now, trying to get more comfortable and she places a hand on his knee.

"So you think that I made him up? Did you ever stop and think that maybe he doesn't want you to see him?"

"No, that's not what I said, but the way the panic attacks have affected you in the last few days could play a big part in his appearances. As far as not wanting me to see him, I don't know, I think if it was the shooter he would have made a move by now."

His eyes flash the hurt he is feeling and she catches the look before he carefully schools his features again. "So now on top of everything else that's going on, I'm losing my mind, that's great. Maybe you should just take me to the asylum and drop me off." She knows it's mostly the alcohol talking, but the harsh tone of his voice lined with a hint of defeat has her control slowly slipping away.

"Castle, stop it! You are not losing it that is not what I said. There is a lot going on with your condition right now but you aren't losing your mind and there is no way I would ever take you and drop you off somewhere like that. This is not how I meant for this to go. I'm sorry, please forgive me. I know it's no excuse but all of this is taking its toll on me and I forget sometimes that I need to be a little more sensitive."

She squeezes his knee to let him know that she's serious and he nods in acceptance of her messy apology. "I know that you were upset, but drinking while on your medication could be very serious Castle, please don't do this again. Please don't make me watch someone else that I love go down this path. Please promise me that if you are upset that you will talk to me and that we will work through it together."

He takes her hand in his and his look softens as he looks at her, "I know I'm sorry I shouldn't have done this. I promise this won't be a regular thing Kate, I won't do that to you, I won't do that to us. I will come to you from now on I promise."

She wraps her arms around him while she controls the emotions she is feeling. After a few minutes she helps him up and after a few tries she finally gets him on his feet. He's a little unsteady, the effects of the alcohol still clearly evident as he stumbles before she wraps her arm around his waist. She has to hold them steady on the stairs to keep him from toppling them both back down them, but they finally make it to the bedroom and she gets him into the bed. She goes downstairs to make them a quick dinner and he relaxes on the bed while waiting for her to return.

He focuses, or tries to at least, on the beach outside the double doors, thinking about the night when he first saw the dark figure. He was so sure that what he saw was real, it had seemed to be the trigger for his panic attack. If the man didn't really exist then why had his mind conjured him up? He decides that if he sees him anymore, he will just keep it to himself, he doesn't need to worry Beckett any more than he already has and he definitely doesn't need her thinking that he has gone crazy on top of everything else. He will just deal with this himself, in the only way that he really knows how, by shutting that part of him off. If his PTSD is getting worse, it's just something he will have to live with; he won't burden her with anything else.