A/N: This chapter goes back and forth between Kate and Castle's POV, I separated it with line breaks so it won't be too confusing. Were slowly working our way through Castle's recovery and learning more about his PTSD. And after having a bit of writer's block I re-wrote chapter 19 several times and all I can say is, hold on tight, the storm is brewing stronger than ever for our beloved Caskett. Thank you so much for all of your feedback through reviews and/or PM's, your encouragement is amazing and I am forever grateful for it. Thank you for all of the follows and favorites as well! You all rock and I am so happy to have each one of you reading this story! All mistakes are my own!

Disclaimer: I adore these characters and everything about them, but I did not create them.

Chapter 18: On the Edge

The next few weeks come and go without much conflict. Castle's recovery is going well and he's making better progress than expected. The knot on her head has healed and there have been no other incidents. She's been there every step of the way and although things are rocky at times, they've kept their promises of pushing each other to open up. When things get tough they work through it until they are both on the same page again. She's done her best to keep him from hiding behind the walls that she is all too familiar with. Dr. Wood has helped him tremendously in dealing with the panic attacks and some nights they manage to escape them and actually get a full nights rest.

Although they don't venture out much with the threat of the sniper still out there, they are trying to get out of the house a little more as time progresses. They can't live their lives in constant lock down. It's only when they are out in public that she begins to notice something is off with Castle. One minute he can be extremely talkative and in a seemingly great mood, the next he's quiet and closed off. She didn't catch on to it at first, thinking that it was just part of the way he was dealing with things, but something is definitely off.

She approaches it cautiously at first, waiting until the next time they are out and he begins shutting down. They are in the local market picking out some fresh fruits when he goes from telling a story about Alexis, to completely silent and is on the other side of the market before she can even process what is happening. Deciding to try a direct approach, she makes her way over to him.

"Castle, what's wrong?"

He glances up at her and she can see him trying to school his features but she catches the flash of fear before he gets it under control. He swallows hard before answering her.

"Nothing is wrong, why do you ask?"

His tone of voice is different when he lies to her and she wonders if he's ever thought about the fact that she picks up on stuff like that, it is part of her job after all.

"You were telling me a story about Alexis and the next thing I knew you were way over here. To me that kind of seems like something is wrong."

"Oh, um I was finished with the story and I saw something I wanted over here."

He's lying again and she gives him a minute to revise his story but he seems to be sticking to what he just said.

"Castle, you stopped in the middle of your sentence, you were not finished with your story and we have already been on this side of the market, now what's going on?"

For a split second she thinks he's going to tell her the truth but then just as quickly he shuts down again.

"Sorry I just lost my train of thought I guess, it's nothing okay. I'm going to go over here and get a few things." And just like that he shuts her off and leaves her standing there trying to figure out what's happening.

When they get back to the house, he's still quiet and she decides to give him some time, thinking maybe he will come to her at some point. They have been pushing each other to open up, but something about this tells her that if she pushes to hard, he's just going to shut her out even more. She wracks her brain trying to come up with anything that could have caused him to become distant from her, but nothing stands out to her.

He comes out of his office a little while later and she's already prepared to drive him to his therapy appointment with Dr. Wood when he surprises her yet again.

"You don't have to take me today, Kate. I called my driver earlier, he's already waiting outside."

Now she knows something is really wrong, he lets her drive him to all of his appointments even if they aren't on the best terms at the time.

"Why would you call your driver when I'm here?"

"I just figured you could use a break, take some time for yourself. I'll be back in a little while."

He doesn't give her a chance to answer, before she can even form a sentence he is out the door. She has no idea what she has done to cause him to act this way towards her, but she can't fix it if he won't open up to her. They seem to take two steps back every time they take one step forward. She's not sure she can talk him off the edge, if she's standing just as close to it herself.

He hates that this is pushing him and Kate farther apart, hates that closing himself off is so easy for him. For the past three years he fought to get through her walls and now he's doing the same thing to her. It's just so hard to open up to her about something she doesn't believe. The past few weeks have been hard, he's seen the same man from the beach every time they have been somewhere in public. At first he wanted to grab her and get as far away as possible but then he remembered that each time he told her about seeing him, she never saw him herself. It's bad enough that he has PTSD from the shooting and that he has no control over when a panic attack is going to set in but if he's seeing someone that doesn't exist, he's far worse than he ever thought he could be.

He hasn't told Dr. Wood about the man, he's been using his time to work through some of his other fears. In all honestly he's just worried that the man will think he's crazy and he's not sure he can handle hearing that. Today is different though, he feels like he's losing Kate, or going to lose her if he doesn't learn how to deal with this and let her in, so today he decides to open up.

"Mr. Castle, come on in, how are you today?"

He takes his regular seat in the chair across from Dr. Wood and makes himself comfortable before he answers. The wound that's now healed into an ugly scar on his chest still pulls some when he sits or moves around, but the pain is far less than is was at first.

"I'm doing okay thanks, and you?"

"Doing well, thank you. What would you like to talk about today?"

His heart pounds rapidly as he prepares to open up about the man. It's the only way he is going to work through this though so he clears his throat and begins.

"Well there is something I haven't told you about, something that I'm not even sure about myself."

"And what might that be?"

"The first night I had a panic attack, I was out on my balcony, when I saw a dark figure staring up at me from the beach. I am positive that is what triggered the attack because the first thing I thought of was the shooter."

"I see, please continue."

"I told Kate about seeing him when she arrived that night and then I put the thought out of my mind. Then one day we were out at the market and I saw him again, of course it was daylight this time and he was much closer but I knew it was him the instant I saw him. The first thought I had was to get Kate out of there, but when I pointed him out to her, she said she didn't see him and the next thing I knew he was gone."

"So how many times have you seen him exactly?"

"Well I have seen him quite a bit, almost every time we are in public actually, but the last time I pointed him out to Kate things didn't go so well."

"When was that? What happened?"

"It was a few weeks ago, Kate drove me to my cardiac rehab appointment, she was waiting for me outside when I got done and I kind of flipped out a little bit about the fact that she was outside alone. We discussed it for a few minutes and then made our way to the car. When she was about to pull out I saw him, I think he had been watching us the entire time, but once again when I pointed him out to Kate he was gone."

"So Kate has never seen him at all?"

"No. After the last time of me trying to point him out to her we had a pretty big fight about it."

"So she doesn't believe you when you tell her that he is there?"

"She didn't come right out and say that, but she did seem concerned about the fact that I was seeing him and she wasn't."

"So how do you feel about that?"

"Well at first I was mad; mad that she didn't seem to believe me, she never said that she thought I was making it up but the way she talked to me kind of implied it. I decided after that to just not tell her anymore when I see him. And yes I have seen him several times since then."

"What do you do when you see him if you don't tell Kate about it?"

"I always feel a panic attack coming on when I spot him, my first instinct is always to get Kate out of there but since she doesn't see him I usually try to focus on not having a panic attack. I usually detach myself from the situation and try to focus on something else."

"And how is that working for you? Does Kate notice when this happens?"

"Well it's not always easy, I'm still terrified of losing her, but I figure that if he was going to take her out, he's already had the opportunity to do so. So there must be another reason that he is following us. Kate didn't seem to notice at first but it was getting harder to hide my emotions and she seemed to catch on while we were out earlier. We didn't really have an argument but I didn't tell her what was really going on either so things have been tense since then."

"I take it that is the reason she didn't bring you to your appointment today?"

"Yeah, I figured we could use a little time apart."

He shifts uncomfortably in his chair, on one hand he feels better about finally opening up to someone, on the other he's terrified to hear what Dr. Wood thinks.

"I'm sure this has all been very difficult for you. You've come a long way since the first time I saw you though and this is just a bump in the road. I am glad you decided to tell me about this, it will help us get you through this if you are completely open with me."

"Do you think I'm losing my mind?"

"No I don't; in fact, I think the man you are seeing is very real. There must be a reason that each time you want Kate to see him, he disappears. What I think will help you even more though is opening up to Kate. She needs to see how real this is for you, if you are going to be in a relationship you need to be able to open up to her, even when it's hard. I know this subject has been a hard one for the two of you but I think sitting down and having a rational conversation with her will benefit you both."

"What if we can't get passed this?"

"I feel that your fear of losing Kate is the very thing that is making this so hard for you. From what I have seen of her and learned about her by talking to you, I don't think you are giving her enough credit. I think she will stand by your side through this, and if this man is a threat to you both, then you are going to need each other."

He can't believe how much better he feels just by voicing his concerns with the doctor and letting go of everything that he has been holding in. He just hopes he can hold on to that feeling until he can talk to Kate.

"Thank you for everything Dr. Wood."

"You're welcome, that's what I'm here for. I will see you in a few days, Mr. Castle."

She's equally worried and upset by the time the driver brings him back to the house. Time alone is that last thing she wanted and the only purpose it has served is to make her emotional, if it was even possible for her to be any more emotional than she has been. Whatever this is that is going on between them is keeping them from moving forward in their relationship. She needs to figure out a way to get him to open up to her. Somehow he managed to demolish her walls and she needs to do the same for his.

When he comes in the door she refrains from rushing to him, her need to be in his arms is going to have to wait until they've talked. She isn't going to have to wait long for that talk though because as soon as he comes in the door, he comes directly towards her and takes a seat beside her on the couch.

"I'm sorry." It's only two words but the emotional impact that comes with them has her fighting to hold it together. She can't seem to form anything worth saying at the moment so he continues.

"I need to be honest with you about something, Kate. I should have done that from the beginning, but I'm scared of how this is going to go."

"Castle, I'm here, I'm listening."

He turns so he's facing her on the couch, the seriousness of this conversation is clearly portrayed by the look on his face and she takes a deep breath to prepare herself.

"The night we had that fight about the man I've been seeing, something in me changed. When it seemed like you didn't think I was really seeing him, I started shutting myself off. Drinking was the first step in that and I wish I had never done that, but I did. I promise I haven't touched it again since, but in its place I started building a wall. I closed that part of myself off from you because I was scared of what opening up about it might do to us."

He looks down for a moment before he continues, and she desperately wants to reach out for his hand, but something tells her that he needs her to stay where she is for now, so she does.

"I decided that night, that if I saw him again, I would just keep it to myself." He looks away from her again and her heart sinks at words of his confession. He thought he had to keep this from her, what has she done to him? "The truth is I have seen him almost every time we have been in public since then. I can feel the panic attack starting up each time and that's why I usually walk away. I have learned to focus on something else, but in order for me to do that I needed to walk away from you each time. The man terrifies me, Kate. I don't know why he follows us, because honestly if he wanted to take us out, he could have already."

"Castle I…." He cuts her off before she can continue.

"Wait, just let me finish please. I need to get this all out."

She nods and waits for him to continue.

"I talked to Dr. Wood about it today. I hadn't told him anything about the man until now. He doesn't think I'm crazy, he believes the man really exists. Kate, all this time I was beginning to think that I was losing my mind. I thought that on top of everything else I was going to lose it and in the process lose you. That's why I closed myself off."

He turns away from her when he finishes speaking and she struggles with finding the right words. He thought he was going to lose her if he told her the truth? How could she not have seen that this was the reason for the wall? She inches closer to him and puts her hand on his shoulder.

"Hey listen to me; I would never think that you were crazy, not for something that you are going through and certainly not for telling me the truth. If you say that he exists then I believe you and I'm so sorry that I ever doubted you. I should have listened to you before; maybe if I would have then we wouldn't be in this position right now. I was worried about you when I wasn't seeing him too, but just because I never saw him, that doesn't give me a right to think he doesn't exist. Please know that you can always come to me and open up to me, I promise I will stand by you because you have always stood by me."

She gives him a minute to process before she's pulling him to sit back against the couch and then she climbs into his lap. She places her hands on his shoulders and looks directly into his eyes, making sure that he knows she means everything she has said and is going to say.

"Richard Castle, I love you and I am not planning on going anywhere. I want you more than I have ever wanted anyone before and that is never going to change."

She senses the moment the wall crumbles, the moment the final piece falls and he truly believes everything she's said. She can almost see it as it happens; see the clarity as it appears on his face. She wonders if he saw something similar each time he demolished one of her walls and when she confessed her feelings to him that night in the hospital bed.

"I love you too Kate and I have never wanted anyone as much as I want you either. I have never been so terrified to lose someone. I'm sorry that I pushed you away."

"I'm sorry that I gave you a reason to push me away, and I'm sorry that you felt like you were going to lose me. I'm not leaving; I just want us to get passed this."

"We will, I've never felt closer to you than I do right now. I promise not to run anymore. Dr. Wood said something to me today that is very true. If we are going to be in a relationship, we need to be able to open up to each other completely. He was right, our strength comes from how good we are together, and if this man is a threat to us then we need each other to fight this battle."

She wraps her arms around his neck and leans her body closer to him. "We have each other and that is not going to change. You survived taking a bullet for me, I'm not about to let you go after that. Thank you for opening up to me, I feel like we just took a huge step forward."

He wraps his arms around her waist, keeping her snugly against him. "We did, and I want nothing more than to continue moving forward with you." He leans forward then, closing the last little bit of distance between them and captures her lips with his. It's slow and sweet at first, each conveying their forgiveness and acceptance into the kiss. It only stays like that for a few seconds and then the passion and need for each other takes over.

She rocks against him, unable to keep her hips still and he runs his tongue over her bottom lip, silently asking for permission before she opens up to him. It's like throwing fuel on the fire, a fire that's been building in intensity for the past three years. His tongue is slick and hot in her mouth and he moans as her rocking brings her into direct contact with the place he wants her most. She gasps and pulls away from his mouth, already missing the feeling of his lips on hers. "Shit, Castle I'm sorry." She's having trouble controlling her breathing and it comes out a little breathier than she meant it.

"Why are you apologizing? I just had one of the hottest make-out sessions ever with this super sexy woman who's currently sitting in my lap.

They've been careful when kissing like this since she got here. They both know that they can't really do much more than that until Castle is fully healed and the closer they get to each other the harder it is to stop. "I shouldn't have lost control like that, I just want you so badly, all of you and when we kiss like that, it's hard to control myself."

"Hey…" He reaches up to brush a piece of her hair out of her face and he smiles at her, that genuine smile that reaches his eyes, and she hasn't seen it in so long that it makes her finally calming heart race again. "It's okay, I want you too. I hate the fact that I can't take you up to the bedroom right now and show you just how much I want you. We're getting closer though, and I am counting down the days until I can worship every inch of your beautiful body."

She blushes and reaches out to take his hand. "I can't wait for that day either. Still, it's disappointing that your body has this reaction to me and I can't do anything about it."

"Well, I'll settle for your lips on mine for now." She can't deny him when he looks at her like that and she's crashing her lips back to his before he can say anything else.

She sleeps in his arms that night and although the nightmares still come, they fight through them together. Each time she settles back into his arms she knows, they are winning this battle one day at a time and although it's not over, it's a battle she doesn't mind fighting as long as she's still in his arms in the end.