A/N: I want to say a huge and extremely heartfelt thank you to everyone who has supported me in writing this especially recently. I have some amazing cheerleaders and have made some great friends through doing this. Getting over the hump after some negativity isn't the easiest but quitting was not an option as so many people pointed out to me. All of the encouraging reviews have been amazing and I really love that so many people are reading my story. The last chapter put me over the 50K mark so I'm shooting for 75K now. I also need to thank Shutterbug5269 for planting the idea for some of this one in my head, and Ally for once again sticking with me! The next chapter is half way written and will be posted soon after this one for those of you who are going to ask. Reviews are love! :)

Disclaimer: These characters write themselves, but I don't own them.

Chapter 21: The Darkest Night

It took her almost the whole hour that Castle was in therapy to finish her conversation with the boys. When she finally got them to be quiet long enough to tell them everything that happened their response was exactly what she expected. Ryan and Espo have been her brothers just as much as her partners and they weren't happy with her. They seemed to understand the weight of everything she's been carrying so after voicing their dislike for going after the shooter on her own, they softened up when she promised not to do it again.

There have been no new leads on the case; in fact the only new information they have at all is what she called to tell them. If only she could have ended this when she followed the shooter, this might be a little closer to being over. Now she doubts they will see any activity from him for a long time and the thought of him continuing to watch them has her on edge. She wants to be ready for him the next time, ready to end this once and for all.

If things continue to go well for Castle, they should be back in the city in less than a month and the thought of it scares her as much as it fuels her. She's ready to go back and do what she is best at; the need to work has been bugging at her a little more each day. As much as she is ready though, she knows it won't be the same unless Castle is with her. It's still a conversation they need to have and she's been avoiding it as much as he has. There's always this nagging question in her mind of "What if he doesn't want to come back?" and she's not really ready to hear the answer to it.

Clearly they are together, in a relationship, but they haven't really talked about anything else. They've moved forward in so many ways while they've been at the Hamptons, but there are still some things to discuss so that they continue to do so. She wants to be with him and she wants a future with him, she's sure of that, she just needs to make sure they both want the same things. And if she is going to have a future with him, she needs to continue pushing herself to be open with him. Running from him isn't an option anymore.

After what she put him through, the fact that he wanted her to stay tells her how in this he really is, but she needs to hear him say it, she needs his words. She needs to give him hers as well, needs him to know how much she really does need him by her side in every aspect of her life, even if it's to keep her from diving back in to her Mother's case. She's not sure when she became this needy, emotional person that she's been lately, but after years of being a walled off, hollow, empty shell of herself, she's glad to be where she is.

She glances at her Father's watch to find that it's time for Castle to be out of therapy so she heads inside to meet him. Her hopes that the boys would have made some progress and the thoughts she's been mulling over, have drastically affected her mood. She tries to school her features as Castle comes towards her, but it's clear the moment she lays eyes on him that he's struggling with something as well. He doesn't give her time to say anything, just grabs her hand and pulls her towards the car. Once inside and buckled up, she glances over at him, but decides to wait until he seems ready to talk before she says anything.

He's silent all the way back to the house and she's starting to get a little worried by the time they are inside. Before she has a chance to ask if he's okay, he's crushing her to his chest in a movement so fast it knocks the breath out of her temporarily. Her arms are trapped between their bodies and she allows him a few minutes, until she feels his breathing regulate some, before she nudges him lightly so that he will loosen his grip. When he does she pulls back just enough to wrap her arms around him and lays her head against his chest.

'Castle, talk to me. What's wrong?"

He tightens his hold again before he answers her and she rubs her hands soothingly up and down his back.

"Talking to Dr. Wood usually helps me, but today I had to relive everything that happened, including almost losing you. And then I told him about the dream in which I did lose you. I don't know how to be okay with this."

She fights back the emotion as the force of his words hit her. Her sweet, caring, strong Castle is breaking, and she doesn't know how to help him when she's the reason for it in the first place.

"I'm so sorry. What did he tell you to do to help you through it?"

"He said to talk to you, to tell you how I feel and to work through it together."

She leans back and looks up at him and she knows that he needs this talk more than any others right now. She takes his hand and from around her waist and pulls him over to the couch. Once they are seated and he looks comfortable enough she turns to face him and places their joined hands in her lap.

"Okay let's talk. Tell me what you're feeling."

He looks nervous as much as he does upset. She squeezes his hand to reassure him and it seems to give him the courage to let it out.

"I just….I know I said to stop saying you were sorry for going off on your own against the shooter, and I forgive you for doing it because I can see how sorry you are. It's just that I can't stop reliving those moments and I honestly don't know how to stop."

"Castle, I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to make that go away. I wish that I could take it back, I wish that I was better at this and better for you."

He shakes his head at her before he answers.

"There is no one better for me than you, I don't want anyone else. This isn't about making you feel guilty or being mad at you."

She's a little confused now.

"Then what is it about?"

"I guess I need that reassurance that you aren't going to do something like this again. I just can't handle it, Kate. I can't stand the thought of losing you."

Oh, he just needs to be reassured; she can give him that, even if she's not great at giving him anything else right now.

"I promised you that I wasn't going to do this alone anymore and I intend to keep that promise. I know I haven't shown it like I should but you are more important to me than anything else. I swear to you that my sole goal in going after the shooter was to end this for both of us. I hate what this has done to you."

"It isn't your fault, Kate. Regardless of whether you think it is or not, that shouldn't mean that you have to feel the need to fight this on your own. I don't want you to feel like you have to run; I want you to want to share this burden with me. I made the choice to be a part of it a long time ago; and you never really had a say in it. I'm not going to leave you alone to fight this."

She can't deny that her first instinct is always to run, it's just a part of who she is, but Castle deserves so much more than that. She hates that he got hurt being in this with her, but that selfish part of her still wants him to be a part of it. It's a battle she constantly fights, the insistent need to have him by her side and protect him at the same time.

"I'm scared that you're going to get hurt worse than you already have. I can't stop the constant reminder of how close I came to losing you, all because you are so much a part of this. The truth is, I do want to run sometimes, but it's not because I'm scared of being with you, it's because I'm scared that I'm going to lose you. It's obvious that being associated with me isn't safe right now and who knows if it ever will be."

This conversation is hard, harder than she thought it would be, but it's probably the most honesty they've both let out all at once in a while. He tugs her hand until she's sitting sideways in his lap with her feet resting to the side. When he wraps his arms around her waist she sighs and lays her head on his shoulder.

"I know that this hasn't been easy on you and I know nothing I can say is going to make you stop worrying that it could happen again, but it doesn't change anything for me. I still want to be a part of this; I still want to be a part of every aspect of your life. I don't care how dangerous being associated with you is, I've made my choice."

She presses closer to him, letting the warmth of his embrace and the solid form of him calm her. She would never leave this spot if she was given the option.

"So what do we do now? How can I make this better for you, Rick?"

"Just keep reassuring me that you aren't going anywhere, that you aren't going to fight this alone. I just need to know that if faced with a situation like that again, you will do what it takes to stay safe, to stay alive. Promise me that, if I'm ever not there, no matter what, you'll fight like hell to come back to me."

She lifts her head and looks at him; she can feel him pleading with her the moment her eyes lock with his. "Yes, yes, I promise you that I will always fight to come back to you. More importantly, I promise to let you in from now on, I won't fight this alone."

"Thank you, Kate. That means so much more to me than you will ever know."

"I love you, and nothing will ever change that. Thank you for being open with me."

"I love you too. I feel better now, I just hope I never have to relive that day again."

She wraps an arm around his neck and draws his face closer to hers. "I will do my best to make sure that never happens. I'm so sorry that I put you through that."

She only gets a second to think about apologizing to him again before his lips are on hers. His kiss is bruising and she gasps into his mouth as his lips part hers. He takes his time exploring her mouth, clearing her mind of anything but the feeling of his warm, soft lips pressed over hers and then he pulls back from her, their lips separating with a smacking sound. She's breathless and when she focuses on him again, she can tell it's exactly what he was going for.

"No more apologizing, Kate. I mean it."

"If you're going to kiss me like that every time I apologize then I'm going to do it a lot more often." She smirks at him and then softly presses her lips back to his briefly before easing herself off of his lap.

He whines a little in protest before he answers her. "You don't have to do anything for me to kiss you like that; I'll gladly fulfill that request anytime."

"Mmm, good to know." She winks at him as she heads to the kitchen to start their dinner.

"So what did the boys say when you talked to them?" She won't usually let him help her cook so he takes a seat at the bar.

"Well other than what I told them, they have no new leads, which was what I figured. He's good at staying off the radar, not to mention the fact that we have no id on him so that makes it harder to trace him."

"Were they mad at you for going after him on your own?"

"Yeah let's just say that I had to make them some of the same promises I've made to you, and I fully intend to keep those promises." She stops what she's doing and looks at him, making sure he sees how serious she is.

"You know it's just because we all care so much about you, right Kate?"

She smiles at him before resuming her cooking.

"Yes I know and I care about you all too."

The next few days are both good and bad. During the day it's good, they are making progress and healing together. Castle's cardiac rehab is going really well and his therapy is helping them work through his PTSD episodes. Kate's bruises are starting to turn that ugly shade of green and brown but they don't hurt nearly as bad. During the night, they battle Castle's nightmares and the havoc that this has wreaked on their lives.

It was an easy night compared to the last few and as she makes them coffee she feels a little more rested then she has lately. Castle comes down after his shower just as she is setting his cup onto the bar. He makes a short detour to give her a sweet good morning kiss before he walks around the bar the grab his coffee.

"Last night wasn't too bad; at least you got a little more rest than usual."

"Yes, I have to say I didn't miss the constant nightmares."

She smiles at him as she joins him on the side of the bar and then leans up to kiss his cheek.

"I'm glad you got a break from them."

"Thanks, me too."

She walks back over to the coffee pot to refill their cups before she returns to his side. "So I was thinking that if it's okay with you, you could take the car service to you appointments today. I want to make a special dinner for us and I was hoping maybe we could have it outside on the patio."

His look of apprehension doesn't surprise her so she does her best to reassure him.

"Castle I know that you're still worried about the shooter but we can't live in constant fear. The boys have no new leads; we have no idea who the shooter is other than what I saw of his face that night and he seems to have disappeared since then. So for now and I'm not going to stop living my life just because we haven't caught him."

She takes his hand in her own before continuing. "I want to make us dinner and I want to have it out on the patio, we deserve a romantic night and I'm not going to let fear ruin it. Please Castle; don't let this control our lives."

"You're right, it isn't fair for me to expect you to stay indoors until he's caught. We do deserve this and I want nothing more than a romantic evening with you. I'll call the car service, you do your thing and I'll see you when I get back."

When he moves to walk away from her she holds onto his hand until he turns back to face her. "I can't wait to spend the evening with you, I love you."

He smiles and leans in to kiss her. It's just a quick press of his lips to hers but the sweetness of it is exactly what she needed. "I can't wait either. I love you too, Kate."

She spent most of the afternoon looking up recipes and once she found the ones she liked, she showered and fixed herself up. She found some candles and a tablecloth and fixed up the table on the patio. It's the first time they've done anything that is remotely close to a date and after everything they've been through she wants this to be special for both of them. For the first time since they admitted their feelings to each other she wants them to actually feel like they are in a relationship without anything else weighing down on them.

She's putting the finishing touches on dinner when she hears his key in the door. He looks happy when he enters the kitchen and she sends up a silent thank you that he seems to be in a good mood. She's never sure what his demeanor will be when he finishes therapy so it's nice to see the smile on his face.

"Kate, it smells wonderful in here."

She smiles as she hands him a glass of sweet tea and he leans against the counter watching her.

"Thank you, I hope you like it. How were your appointments?"

"Everything was good today. The cardiac therapist says that things are still looking good, so in about 2 weeks we should be able to head back home. Dr. Wood said that I've made good progress in dealing with things since your encounter with the shooter."

"I'm so glad things went well. You've made so much progress since I got here and I'm so glad that I've gotten to be a part of it."

He helps her carry the food to the patio, smiling at her statement. "I'm glad too; there is no one else I would have wanted here with me."

Once everything is set on the table, they take their seats and she lights the candles. The evening is perfect for this and the sounds coming from the beach are soothing.

"This was a good idea and this food is delicious, Chicken Alfredo is one of my favorites."

"I found the recipe on Pinterest and it sounded so good I had to make it." She hums as she takes a bite, enjoying the burst of flavors that hit her tongue.

They eat in a comfortable silence, each enjoying the others company and the delicious food. When they've finished she takes their plates into the kitchen and returns with a piece of cheesecake that she made for them to share.

"Oh Kate, you really outdid yourself, this looks amazing too."

She sets the plate down and scoots her chair next to his so that they can share. "I wanted this to be special and I'm glad you've enjoyed it."

The cheesecake is gone almost as quickly as she sets it down and they move to the more comfortable furniture on the patio, not wanting to end their night yet.

She leans into Castle and he wraps his arms around her, sighing in contentment. "Thank you for this evening; it was exactly what we needed. I'm sorry that we haven't really had a chance to actually enjoy being a couple."

"There is no need to apologize, your recovery is top priority, besides as long as we are indeed a couple, that's all that really matters to me."

"Of course we are there is no one else for me, Kate. It's only you."

She turns her head so that she can capture his lips with her own, his lips are warm and wet and she moans as he opens his mouth for her. It's passionate and intense and the longer is lasts the more she wants it to never end. When he finally pulls away from her she's breathless and her lips are slightly swollen. She lays her head against his shoulder and closes her eyes, content to just be in his arms.

At some point they both doze off, the warm evening air wrapping them up like a blanket and the soft breeze whispering words of relaxation. If things were normal for them, and Castle hadn't been shot trying to save her life, they might have spent most of the night there, relaxed and happy in each other's arms.

When the first boom sounds it's only enough to startle them awake. She blinks her eyes open in time to see the last shining sparks of a firework. Oh it's summer and they are at the Hamptons, it's actually surprising there haven't been any put off before. She smiles a little as the next one sounds and a few go off right after it, bursting bright and high in the sky and booming loud. She's about to turn to Castle when she feels him tense behind her and when the next one goes off her smile quickly fades.

She's never seen him so tense and the louder the booms get the worse it gets. She sits up and turns to face him fully, places her hands over his. "Castle, it's okay it's just fireworks."

He shakes his head but he doesn't answer her, each time another one goes off he seems to freeze and his focus turns to something completely different then the scene in front of them.

All he can hear is the shots ringing in his ears, bringing him right back to that cemetery and that awful day, the day he almost lost her. He can't focus on anything but the noise, the piercing, and heart stopping noise. He just wants it to stop, wants the pain that comes with each new boom to go away. He's vaguely aware of her calling his name, her touch, but he can't get to her, he can't stop the blackness from pulling him under and with one last boom he sucks in a breath and closes his eyes.

He's not hearing her when she tells him that it's just fireworks, she can see it the moment his eyes lose focus on her and the PTSD attack takes over. She never even thought about how much fireworks could affect him. She starts to panic a little when he doesn't respond to her at all. "CASTLE can you hear me? Come on focus on me, it's just fireworks, everything is okay."

She talks calmly to him, trying to bring his focus back to her and off of the loud noise, it doesn't help that they seem to have only just started. She tries to keep her breathing calm, hoping that it will register in his mind and calm him down as well.

His eyes are still open but he's staring off into the distance and she leans in closer to him and places her hand on his cheek. She's never seen him have an attack this bad before, he's never been this hard to calm down. "Castle, come on, come back to me please."

He lets out a moan that sounds like pain but he remains frozen in the same spot. She wants to get him away from them, although there's not really much she can do until they stop, the noise is going to be loud no matter which part of the house they go in. She's not usually one to admit being scared but this truly scares her, he's not responding to anything she does. She tries every one of the techniques Dr. Wood told her about and nothing is working. She can't even get to her phone to call him because she refuses to leave Castle alone.

She keeps her hand on his cheek and moves so that she is blocking his line of sight, willing him to see only her. "Castle, I'm right here, you're not alone and I'm not leaving you, you're safe I promise."

She sees him tense again and hears his gasp of breath and then he closes his eyes and loses consciousness.