I'm sorry for taking a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong while to update, but here's another chapter in Tori's life: Enjoy
I own nothing.
After all of the dudes that fell down and almost had their spines broken finally got out of the doorstep, I could make my way to the cute fellow's house. And of course, I tried my best to be careful with the stuff on the floor, because as I mentioned sometime, my shoes disappeared and my feet are strange.
To my surprise, there were even MORE 'dwarves' inside the house. Hell, I'm going insane. Maybe I'm high. Not maybe, I AM FREAKING HIGH AS A FREAKING KITE.
The house was cute. It was made inside the hill, maybe? I don't know (not that I care), but there was a fine smell coming from inside. Hmm…roasted chicken, I guess?
Well, I'm not staying at the doorstep any longer, I'm gonna hunt down the food and I'll eat it.
As I started to head down the hallway (which I thought would lead to the kitchen/dining room/pantry/whatever the people in this Madland call the place where they stock food), I met two younger 'dwarves' I didn't see before, carrying four wooden mugs of some brown liquid. Alcohol, obviously. And I'm guessing it's a very strong one, because I can smell it from here.
One of them was dark haired and the other was blond. Both of them had almost no beard, except the blond one had a braided mustache. They stared at me with their eyes widened and mouths opened.
"What?" I snapped, almost taking off my backpack and throwing my Calculus book on their heads and after beat the crap out of them with my History textbook. "Let me ask again: What the fuck is wrong with you weird guys?"
"The lady has a sailor's mouth! But I prefer to think that she meant 'how are you, handsome young dwarves!'" The dark haired one stated, still trying hard not to laugh. Okay, I might have a sailor's mouth, but just picture the situation I'm in! Bloody man who try to flirt with me and just happen to be 'dwarves'! Stuff can't get weirder.
It always can, Tori.
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
"Take whatever conclusions you like." I replied, trying to get past the two weirdos. But they simply blocked my way with their bodies. Since the corridor wasn't very wide, I couldn't get past them unless I did a ninja move and kicked their balls and ran as fast as I could to the end of Madland. But I'm not a jerk to random guys I just met in a house of a random guy I just met that's going crazy because of other random guys I just met.
Does that make any sense?
Probably not.
"Won't the blue haired lady tell us her name?" The blond one enquired, taking a big gulp of the mug of pure alcohol he was holding.
"Nope." I replied, still figuring out a way to get pass them.
"Miss Evans! I see you've met Fili and Kili!" Someone walked pass the hallway and ended up where I was. I know what you're probably thinking. I will go mad. This Madland here is worse than ever.
I turned around to see the grey dude from earlier who was like 20 feet taller than me and now he was smoking his pipe again. I facepalmed. Well, congratulations, Gandy, you just ruined my plan.
"Mr. Gandalf!" The two dudes exclaimed in unison. I guess their names are in fact Fili and Kili. And since Madland is full of weird names, that's pretty accurate.
"Mr. Gandalf!" I exclaimed in a very sarcastic tone, sticking my tongue at him, much for his discontentment. Meh, I'm not here to please him….well that came out wrong.
"I'm sorry for that. Ms. Evans here is really confused." Gandalf explained to Thor and Loki. Really, those dudes look exactly like Thor and Loki. If they're in fact brothers, my mind will be literally blown into pieces.
"Ha, ha, ha." I laughed. Well, better laugh now before I kill myself.
"Fili and Kili, this is Victoria Evans. Ms. Evans, these are the brothers Fili and Kili from the house of Durin." Gandalf finally introduced us before stuff got so awkward that it got out of control.
MY MIND IS BLOWN. Thor and Loki then exclaimed in unison,
"At your service!" Really, they have some amazing sync.
"You're weird." I said, taking one of the mugs from Loki's hands.
"You're not normal either." Thor observed, as his gaze followed Gandalf as he was backing away slowly. I guess those people are waaaay weirder than I thought.
I shook the mug a little to make the brownish liquid move. Then I smelled it suspiciously. I swear the smell was horrible. "What is wrong with this shitty drink?"
"This is ale, Ms. Sailor's Mouth!" Loki explained, shaking his head in disapproval. However, he did not take his eyes from my blouse. Wait, my blouse doesn't show my boobs or anything…what the hell?
"Well, excuuuuuse me princess, I'm not an alcoholic to know about this stuff, unlike you two, who are obviously experts on the matter." I snapped, handing Loki the mug back.
"I see. That's why ladies shouldn't go drinking this man's drink, it will make them sick, right?" Thor joined in. I hate sexist people.
"Heeeey! I can drink this, you sexist! Where's gender equality, eh?" I snapped, almost spilling my 'ale' into Thor's hair.
"Do you think you can handle it, strange speaking hobbit lass with strange looking clothes?" Loki laughed, still not believing in my drinking abilities. I violently took one of the mugs back from Loki.
"Of course! I'll drink every single drop of it!" I replied, looking suspiciously at the mug of ale. I'm not sure if I can handle this….Well… I guess I make pretty poor life choices.
"What are you waiting for, Victoria?" Thor asked, laughing along with his brother.
"DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME VICTORIA!" I replied angrily. I'm doing this right now. I turned the mug inside my mouth. I filled my mouth with the drink and struggled to swallow it. The ale went down my throat like fire. Not pleasing at all.
"Congratulations, just two thirds of ale left for you to drink, Victoria." Loki observed, still smiling at my red face. I'm not blushing, I'm red in anger.
"You'll make me drink everything? Really?" I asked. Well, now I was starting to feel the effects of too much alcohol swallowed at once.
"You said you would." Thor added. Oh crap. I really make bad life choices. Damn you, Madland. If Father finds out I'm drinking 'ale' with dudes I just met, my head will roll twice.
"Fine, I'll drink it, but let me go find some food." I said, as I held the mug in one hand and used the other one to push the brothers aside. Hell, why didn't I think of that before getting into this mad little game of drinking?
Ugh. I decided to put my stupidly heavy backpack on top of a casket I found to be pretty safe. I can't go back home without my Calculus book, can I? Just for precaution, I took my phone out of the bag and started to put it inside my skinny jeans while I held the mug of 'ale' in the other hand. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to put a phone on a skinny jean's pocket?
Anyway, I walked into what appeared to be the main hall leading 'the place where people in Madland store food' to the dining room. And there were 'dwarves' everywhere grabbing into everything they saw.
"Excuse me, that's my chicken!" The cute fellow changed his clothes and was now wearing a pair of suspenders. He's just too cute for me to put into words. What was his name….Bill? Nah. Brian? Brendon? Bruno? Breno? BILBO! That's it! The only name I cared enough to remember. "That's my wine, excuse me!"
The only thing he missed in this phrase was a 'princess'. He was quite furious with the Cruella dude, and they started to argue.
" #$% ¨%¨*$ $# #%!" Cruella dude exclaimed, pointing to the ax in his head but still holding tightly to the container which I suppose contained wine.
Really, Tori, you're quite stupid sometimes.
"He's got an injury." The dude with the earhorn I met earlier and whose name I don't care about explained. Riiiiiight, because everyone just needs to interrupt other's conversation to point out random shit. Okay.
"You mean the ax in his head?" Bilbo questioned, raising an eyebrow. I thought that that was the perfect time to toss the rest of the ale into a nearby plant vase. Mission accomplished and no sign of Loki or Thor. Great.
"Dead? No! Just between his ears, his legs work fine." Ear horn dude explained, walking away from Bilbo.
"Those are my plates! Excuse me! Not my wine! Put that back! Put that back! Not the jam, please! Excuse me." Bilbo was going crazy, but I guess I can't blame him too much. I'm getting crazy as well and I'm just lingering in the background! Then I saw the fat ginger doughnut guy walking out of the pantry with a stack of wheel shaped cheese. "Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn't it? Have you got a cheese knife?"
"Cheese knife? He eats it by the block." The flappy hat dude observed as he walked past Bilbo.
Then, I was hit in the head by a chair.
"Ouch!" I exclaimed, letting my empty mug fall down.
"Sorry, lass." The bushy red haired dude apologized as he walked into the hallway. His 'brother?' followed him with another chair in his arms.
"No, no, that's grandpa Mungo's chair! No, I'm sorry, you'll have to take it back please." Bilbo said. I was rubbing the back of my head frenetically. "Take is back…It's antique, not for sitting on!"
"I cannot hear what you're saying, lad!" I think Bilbo hasn't figured out that ear horn dude is deaf yet. I'm not the one who's going to tell him that.
Meanwhile, the other 'dwarves' just kept on bringing the food from the 'place where…..blah blah blah' to the dining room. As I'm a freaking ninja, I managed to steal some stuff here and there while leaning against the wall as I had been doing for some time.
Bilbo was about to explode. But a good thing is that everybody was so busy that they didn't even notice me. Then, for my surprise (and discontentment), Gandalf walked beside me;
"I see you've calmed down a bit."
"I hope that's a good thing." I replied, still pretty mad at stuff. "I hope your purpose with casting a pinpin' spell on my house's elevator to bring me here is not driving me insane."
"Oh no, Ms. Evans. This will be very good for you and our host, Mr. Baggins."
"He's going insane before me. That's not a good sign."
"Both of you need more excitement in your lives, and both of your talents combined will be of much use to this Company."
Talents? For what I recall I'm pretty useless in every aspect of my existence. Unless you count playing Skyrim, because I'm pretty good at Skyrim.
Before I could say anything else, Mr. Silver-fabulous asked as he held up a tea tray.
"Excuse me, can I tempt either of you with a nice cup of chamomile tea?"
"Thanks, dude. I really need to take the alcohol off my blood system." I replied, taking one of the cups from the older guy, who smiled kindly at me.
"Oh, no thank you Dori, a little red wine for me, I think." Gandalf said as he started to spin around counting the 'dwarves'.
I dare you to speak everyone's name three times really fast. From what I got from Gandy's counting, I think there are about eleven 'dwarves' from east Europe with weird names.
Just then, Cruella dude walked up to Gandy and talks to him in that weirdo's language and with body motions. I could have sworn that he would start dancing something from Britney Spears any moment.
"Yes, you're quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short." Gandy said looking slightly troubled.
"He is late, it's all; he traveled north to a meeting of our kin. He will come." One dude I haven't seen before said confidently. He had a pretty badass aura surrounding him. He was pure manliness. But luckily for me (or unluckily, depending on the circumstances), he didn't notice me.
"Mr. Gandalf?" Mr. Silver-fabulous called out gaining the wizards attention. "A little red wine as requested. It's got a fruity bouquet." Whatever you say.
"Ah, cheers." Gandy said then drank the tiny cup of wine, then looks sad when he realizes that it is gone too fast. Ahh, alcoholics.
"Are you sure you don't want any wine, Ms. Tori?" Mr. Silver-fabulous asked.
"No thanks, I've already reached my alcohol quota of the decade." I replied, laughing sweetly just like a normal girl would do to people who are kind to her.
Except that I'm not a normal girl. I'm badass. Tori Evans is badass.
Mr. Silver-fabulous smiled kindly at me before returning to the little party in the dining room and taking a seat.
I won't dare to seat beside those weird dudes and risk getting a piece of meat inside my ear. So, instead of risking having to wear an earhorn, I just kept leaned against a wall observing the mad tea party going on in the dining room.
At least twelve 'dwarves' crowded around a long, narrow table that was overflowing with tons of food of a multitude of variety. The 'dwarves' tossed the food back and forth between each other.
I watched in slight amusement while they ate. Well, they might be weird, but they're funny too. Imagine twelve men eating and tossing food one to the other. But what really made me laugh was when doughnut dude caught a hardboiled egg between his teeth, and spraying yellow yolk over everyone near him with a victorious cry. I was laughing so hard that unluckily for me, EVERYONE started to stare at me with poker faces.
"I'm sorry, my lady, I didn't see you there." A white haired dude apologized. I'm not sure if I've seen him before…probably not, because he looks OLD. Older than earhorn dude and Mr. Silver-fabulous. "I'm Balin, and what's the name of such a pretty hobbit lass?"
Oh, the hobbit talk again. Won't they ever learn?
"That one is Ms. Sailor's Mou-" Loki started to say, but I cut him off.
"Tori Evans!" I said, between my laughing. I must point out that it was involuntary.
"I'm Balin, at your service." Santa Claus cosplay replied. Okay, whatever you say.
"Dwalin, at your service, Ms. Evans." The dude with an badass aura announced.
I'm not going to say that I'm at their service because I'm obviously not.
"Do you want some ale, Ms. Victoria?" Thor asked while he was climbing on top of the table. Unhealthy and extremely disgusting. I'm grateful for eating a bit before this happened.
"The name is Tori… But nah, I'll pass." I replied, slowly backing away. I predict that stuff's gonna get messy.
"Ale on the count of three." They only became quiet when a call for drinking their ale was called out. Now I can imagine what's happening, they're competing to see who's going to drink everything first! What a bunch of children! I swear to you I could hear their throats working fast to consume the entire mug of ale first. Then as cups were slammed down, in the wooden table and what I feared happened.
The dudes started to burp. Wonderful. Just wonderful. I'm lucky to have retreated to the 'place where there was once food. I guess that if I hide in here for some time they will have to eventually go home, and Gandy will have to take me back home as well.
Now that I'm thinking about, what the hell am I doing here in the first place? I should run away from here until I find civilized people!
When I was leaving the dispenser (I'm calling it that now, back off haters), I bumped into someone. Very hard. With my forehead. Goddamnit, today is the definitely not my day.
"I'm terribly sorry!" Bilbo apologized as he looked around the empty dispenser and then back to me.
"It's nothing." I said, rubbing my forehead.
"Ms. Evans, right?" He asked, quite innocently as he stared at my awkward feet. They were just like his. I don't know if that's good or not.
"Yeah. You're Bilbo, yes?" He nodded. "Good, I at least remember one name from all the people I was introduced to today."
"You…didn't travel with them?"
"Nope, I was trying to run from my death and then BAM! I landed here with Gandalf and those weird guys that kept appearing out of nowhere! And my feet are strange! And I'm going mad! And I had alcohol!"
"It's fine, Ms. Evans. You're not the only one who's going insane. You should have seen what those dwarves did with the plumbing!" He laughed sarcastically. But in this case he was laughing instead of bumping his head continuously into the wall. Like I was going to be able to fix anything. Ha, ha.
"Please, call me Tori." I laughed sarcastically just as he did. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you without any corpses falling into your doorstep."
"A pleasure as well, Ms. Tori." He smiled at me, handing his hand for me to shake it.
"Just Tori, please."
"Just Tori will be!" I was going to start lecturing him on how my name is just Tori but something in my face caught his attention before I could talk. And it's not the innumerous amount of freckles I have in my nose and cheeks. Of course, he's going to ask about my blue lock of hair. Wonderful. Before he could open his mouth to say something, I cut him off, hoping I would bring answers to some questions he might be asking himself.
"Yes, a part of my hair is blue. No, you're not insane…yet. Yes, the food is gone. Yes, we should find Gandalf and demand an explanation."
I think Bilbo got really surprised at my fortune telling ability. I'm just that awesome.
"Yes, we should do that." He finally answered, still pretty mesmerized by me and my awesomeness.
I followed him into some halls to end into something like a kitchen. How big is this place where we can't find a 20 feet man? Just then, Bilbo's laser eyes scanned the room until he found Star Man cleaning his mouth with a piece of cloth. I don't know what the hell that was, but it made Bilbo go furious.
"Excuse me, that is a doily, not a dish cloth." He snapped, taking the cloth from Star Man's hands. I prefer not to get involved with anything here, that's why lingering in the background is the best option at the moment.
"But it's full of holes." Flappy hat dude remarked, as Bilbo carefully folded the fabric.
"It's supposed to look like that, its crochet." Bilbo explained quite impatiently to my taste. But who the hell cares about my taste? Yeah, Tori, NO ONE!
"Oh, and a wonderful game it is too." Bofur said with a sly smile. "If you've got the balls for it."
I don't know why but I started to laugh at that. Well, Tori, you always laugh of the stupidest things ever.
"Ms. Tori is having a fun time, isn't she?" Flappy hat dude observed. Nah, I'm not even close to having a fun time.
"Ms. Tori just likes to laugh at other people." Ms. Tori refers to herself in 3rd person. Ms. Tori is indeed a terrible human being, really.
I think I made flappy hat dude to be a bit shocked, but he busted in laughter in the couple of seconds that followed. Ahh, the power of alcohol.
There were other 'dwarves' in the kitchen as well, drinking 'ale' and doing random shit. I was starting to feel (even more) dizzy because of the smell when Gandalf came by just as Bilbo started to complain to himself about the bloody 'dwarves'. Well, I didn't even start to complain about things. But when I do…
"My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?"
"What's the matter?" Bilbo asked sarcastically. "I'm surrounded by dwarves."
"And me." I added, joining in the conversation without anyone inviting me. That's one of my many useless talents.
"Ms. Tori is not a subject of complain, but these bloody dwarves certainly are! We demand an explanation! I demand an explanation, Gandalf!" Bilbo started to head down to the hall once more.
"It's a merry gathering! You'll get used to them." Gandalf explained (?). And what does that have to do with me?
"I don't want to get used to them!" Then Bilbo started to list 101 reasons why he hates his life. Wonderful. "I just don't understand what they're doing in my house!"
"Neither I can understand what I'm doing in his house!" I pointed to Bilbo, trying to gain general attention. Epic fail.
"How can you explain that, Gandalf?" Bilbo snapped angrily.
"Yeah, there's no way you can explain that!" I snapped equally angry.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but what should I do with my plate?" The younger brother of Mr. Silver-fabulous and Star Man asked interrupting Bilbo and mine's arguing with Gandalf and handing Bilbo an empty plate.
"Here Ori, give it to me." Thor said taking it and throwing it to Loki That was when Bilbo started too really panic. Everything was being tossed from 'dwarf' to 'dwarf' as it made its way to the kitchen.
Expecting the worse, I quickly made my way to the dining room where I saw Star Man seating across from Flappy hat dude, holding his silverware upright. They started stamping their feet and clinking their knives against the each other's utensils as did Bushy beard and Mr. Silver-fabulous, their boots thumping against the floor keeping time as they began a steady rhythm of clashing their forks and knives. Oh man, that's not gonna work.
"Can you not do that? You'll blunt them!" Bilbo snapped when he saw what they were doing.
"Blunt them? They'll kill us! Take cover!" I announced, running back to the kitchen where Cruella dude was washing dishes. Finally some gratitude. Cruella dude seems harmless to me.
"Oh, did ya hear that, lads? He says we'll blunt the knives." I think Flappy hat dude was the one who made that observation, unable to hide the laughter in his voice.
Loki and Thor soon started to sing as they started tossing plates, bowls, saucers, any cutlery they could get their hands on. I just watched as stuff started to fly just above my head.
Blunt the knives, bend the forks
Smash the bottles and burn the corks
Then the rest of them were joining in, stamping their hands and feet. That is not going to work….
I think I just saw Thor grabbing a plate quite epically. However I cannot trust my eyes too much.
Chip the glasses and crack the plates
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
That's not gonna work. Definitely isn't going to work. I'm going to die because of head trauma. Or a knife stuck inside my skull. Great, I'll be just like Cruella dude, but I'll be able only to speak Italian, yay. Wait, that would be a problem if I could actually speak any Italian at all.
Cut the cloth and tread on the fat
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat
I should really stop going around in circles like an idiot trying to avoid the flying cutlery. Bilbo wasn't any better. I could hear him scream from where he was, at the dining room, I guess. He was frenetically trying to stop the 'dwarves', of course it wasn't effective.
Pour the milk on the pantry floor
Splash the wine on every door!
"Holy flying cows and cooked apples!" I said as I ducked from a knife being tossed from one side of the room to the kitchen.
"*& # %$# $$# ¨¨%#!" Cruella dude stated, grabbing stuff with perfection without even looking. He just has to have a third eye in the back of his head. He also grabbed my arm and pushed me to under the small table in the center of the room in which we were.
I don't know if he's being a jerk or he's trying to make sure that I won't end up like him. I'll go with the second option.
Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl
Pound them up with a thumping pole
From what I could see from under the table, almost all of the 'dwarves' were singing and playing some random instruments they just conjured out of the blue. Someway, they still kept the plates in the air with their arms, elbows, and any other way they could manage, keeping time to the beat vibrating the floor.
When you've finished, if any are whole
Send them down the hall to roll!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
Then an avalanche of people started to gather around the table where I was, except that nobody noticed me. Luckily for me I remained unseen, but unluckily for me, I bumped my head several times into the table.
A couple of seconds later I saw what appeared to be Bilbo forcing his way through the mass of 'dwarves' to the pile of destroyed dinnerware. I just need to see his face at that. As I told you before, I'm a terrible human being.
I got out from the table (not before bumping my head again) and I was greeted by piles of clean dishes and laughing 'dwarves' who had found time to start smoking their pipes.
As expected, everyone started to stare at me. "What? I was avoiding head damage!" I started to say, but I stopped when I noticed Bilbo. Hell, his poker face was better than mine! He looked like he didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or having a fit of rage. Better not be a fit of rage, Luigi has it often, and it hits my nerves.
Before I could explode with awkwardness, a series of hard knocks were heard and I felt my bare feet grow cold all of a sudden. Well, it better not be Ice King or Elsa who's at the door.
"He is here." Gandalf said and went to answer the door followed by everyone else. Except for me, because I'm not like sheep following the 20 feet man around. Who is here? The Ice King? King Dodongo? King of Red Lions? I don't care.
Deal with that, Madland.
Constructive criticism is needed and nice reviews apreciated! Thanks for reading!
~ilikecakeandcookies