GI Joe/Marvel universe crossover.
I don't own Marvel or Hasbro.
Important story note, please read: I was going to leave Hydra out of the story. However, as a reviewer noted, it's redundant to have S.H.I.E.L.D. if there's no Hydra. So thank you Marty F. for pointing that out. You helped me notice a plot hole in the new universe I'm creating and you've helped me to improve the plot because of it.
I've also corrected an error in the previous chapter. I had stated that Snake Eyes's team consisted of himself, Scarlett, Stalker, Jinx, Wild Bill, and Leatherneck. However, I had also written that Leatherneck was covering PT training for Beach Head. I've since corrected last chapter and have replaced Leatherneck with Gung Ho in North Korea.
Silence
Chapter 5: The Merc with a Mouth
Time: 18:58 Zulu; Friday (Saturday local time)
Location: Chinese/North Korean border; North Korean camp
Major Bludd was fairly sure the day couldn't get much worse. His mission had failed. Not only had Cobra's armaments shipment been blown to pieces and most of the buyers killed, there was also no way he was going to extract the two former members of Hydra that the North Koreans had prisoner.
And if that wasn't enough, if he survived the maniac in front of him, he was sure to meet with an unpleasant welcome from Cobra Commander.
"Aww…what's the matter Bludd old boy?" The mercenary in front of him asked. "Cat got your tongue? Or is that awesome Snidely Whiplash mustache of yours getting in the way?"
Who the hell was Snidely Whiplash?
Bludd considered firing his weapon again, but knew it was useless against a mercenary that just wouldn't die. He watched as the other man tilted his masked head and seemed suddenly deep in thought.
"That's odd," he heard the other man mutter. "No yellow boxes." There was a pause.
"NO!" Deadpool suddenly screeched. "I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY YELLOW BOXES!" The man pointed one of his guns to his head and fired. Sebastian Bludd watched in horrified fascination as the bullet passed through the man's brain, taking bits of skull and grey matter with it.
One mercenary hit the ground. The other mercenary stared in shock before collecting himself and taking off at a run.
Bludd was almost to a North Korean truck before a spray of bullets destroyed the tires and ignited a spark of gasoline. Sebastian managed to find some cover, but couldn't completely avoid the spray of shrapnel that hit his body.
"Silly me," he heard Deadpool say, apparently now completely healed and still alive. "Of course there are no yellow boxes. The website doesn't support yellow font." Bludd had no idea what the man was babbling about. But then again, who ever understood the ramblings of the mentally unstable?
"What do you want?" Bludd finally asked. A red and black figure crouched down next to him.
"I told you already. Some Chinese guys hired me to nab the head Cobra honcho here," Deadpool answered. "You're a fellow merc, dude, you should understand."
"How much are they paying you?" Bludd asked, hissing from the pain. The other man gave him a curious look.
"Enough to pay my rent, food, and porn. Why?" he asked.
"I'll bet Cobra will pay you more," Bludd offered.
"To kill you? Okay!!" Deadpool answered happily, pointing his gun at the injured mercenary.
"No! No!" Bludd yelled. "More to not kill me or take me to the Chinese! More to help me finish the mission you've nearly destroyed!"
The other man rubbed his chin thoughtfully, which Bludd took as a good sign. He cautiously sat up, trying not to wince from his injuries. Sebastian tried to think of what else he could offer that might possibly entice the sword wearing lunatic.
"I'll even give you a week's supply of grape soda," he offered. An offer like that would be worth more than gold to a Dreadnok, and seeing as Deadpool was even crazier than Zartan's bunch…
"Really!?" Deadpool asked, grinning under his mask. He threw a friendly arm around Bludd.
"You're not so bad Major," the other mercenary smiled. "We gotta work on your first name though. Having the same first name as a Disney character just doesn't work for a merc."
There was a Disney character named Sebastian? Of course, it wasn't like Bludd kept up on such things.
Deadpool suddenly pushed him aside and withdrew his katana. The deadly sound of steel meeting steel echoed through the remains of the North Korean camp. As Major Bludd looked on, he recognized the black garbed ninja silently facing off against the other mercenary.
Bludd swore. Apparently his day could get worse.
"Watch it," Bludd warned. "His name's Snake Eyes. He's a ninja." Since Deadpool had agreed to switch allegiances, he had become Sebastian's ticket out of North Korea. He also had no particular desire to be captured by GI Joe.
Oddly, Deadpool seemed to perk up at the mention of ninjas.
"Ninja?" the masked mercenary asked. Snake Eyes regarded him silently before striking with inhuman speed. His katana went straight through Deadpool's chest.
Deadpool, for his part, merely ignored the blade sticking through his chest and aimed a gun at the other man's chest and fired. All Bludd saw was a blur, but even he doubted that the ninja could avoid a shot at point blank range.
He was partially right, as blood was dripping from Snake Eyes's left arm. Deadpool pulled the ninja's katana out of him, examined it, and threw it back to him. Then he withdrew his other sword and sprang at the GI Joe.
"Ninja!" Deadpool yelled happily. "Take this Black Power Ranger!"
Bludd suddenly became uncomfortably aware of another ninja by his side. She held a katana under his throat.
"Nice day for a stroll, huh Bludd?" the GI Joe known as Jinx asked.
"If you ask me, I should have let the Baroness come instead," Bludd sighed.
…………………………………………
Time: 19:05 Zulu; Friday, 14:05, local time
Location: GI Joe PIT; mess hall
Duke gratefully took a bite of meatloaf, having been too busy to grab lunch earlier. Conrad Hauser absolutely hated paperwork and he was up to his teeth in it. Not only that, but Clutch, Shipwreck, and Ace had gotten a little too rambunctious the previous night, leaving him to discipline the three men.
"You too, huh?" Flint asked. Duke looked up to see that Dashiell was also armed with a tray of food.
"You've been monitoring things in North Korea, right?" Duke asked. The other man nodded.
"Things seem to be going well so far," Flint answered, taking a bite of lunch. "Alison took over in the command center while I grab something to eat."
Duke focused his attention back to his own meal as Flint practically inhaled his. He knew that the other man was anxious to get back to his station.
"What do you think Hawk has Beach Head doing?" Flint suddenly asked. "I mean, you've seen the intelligence he and Psyche-Out have gathered, right?" he continued. Duke shrugged his shoulders.
"You know Beach Head," Duke answered. "He'd give Patton a run for his money if they had an intimidation contest." Flint suddenly smirked.
"Well, Patton always did claim to be the reincarnation of Alexander the Great. Maybe he got reborn as Beach Head," the warrant officer suggested.
The two men looked at each other, snickered, and were soon pounding the table and laughing.
"Seriously though," Flint said, wiping tears from his eyes. "He never does interrogations."
Duke frowned. It was unusual. It was even more unusual that Hawk wouldn't tell either man.
"I don't know," Conrad replied. "I don't know why Hawk's keeping us out of the loop either."
"Whatever it is, it's tiring him out," Flint continued. "He looked completely exhausted this morning. He didn't even have the energy to insult me. Much."
"And why would he insult you?" Duke asked dryly. The two men in question enjoyed trying to get a rise out of the other.
"I may have implied that he could buy a better personality and some deodorant at Walmart," Flint smirked.
"To which he replied…?"
"That I was a puffed up rooster that should go strut somewhere else."
"Ah."
Duke sipped on his iced tea and devoured a roll. Flint left and returned with a second helping of meatloaf, mashed potatoes and apple pie. He saw that his friend had also brought back a newspaper. Duke scanned the cover as Flint gulped down the rest of his lunch.
"G8 leaders prepare to discuss the mutant problem," Duke read one of the article titles out loud. Flint snorted through his apple pie.
"Mutant problem my ass," Dashiell muttered. "There wouldn't be a problem if we'd let them be." Duke looked at him in surprise.
"Most of them, probably," he agreed. "But that doesn't do away with the fact that these people are walking weapons. What about the people that don't want to live quiet, peaceful lives?"
"There's always going to be people like that," Flint said, "It doesn't matter what group."
"Yeah, but we can at least try to keep those people from getting their hands on weapons," Duke pointed out. "We should at least know who are mutants incase they misuse their powers."
Flint was staring at him as if he'd grown two heads.
"You…you support mutant registration?" Dashiell asked, his voice somewhat disgusted. Duke, for his own part, was surprised that the other man didn't seem to agree with him.
"I'm not anti-mutant," Duke replied. "I think that given the chance, most of them would be peaceful, law abiding citizens. Many states require people to register and have permits to own guns. What's wrong with registering who has mutant powers?"
"What's wrong?" Flint asked, beginning to lose his temper. "It's a violation of their constitutional rights! Why should they have to be registered as if they were criminals?"
"That's not what I said," Duke answered, growing annoyed. "Besides, people can mark whether they're Caucasian, African American, or Asian on government forms. What's the difference if…"
"Can," Flint pointed out sharply. "People have a choice if they decide to put a check next to their group. If there's a government list on who's a mutant, how long before that becomes a black list?"
"It wouldn't," Duke replied back angrily.
"Bull shit," Flint answered. "Maybe we should start having them wear a 'M' on their sleeve. That's what the Nazis did, except it was the Star of David."
By now, both friends were openly glaring at each other.
"I'm not prejudiced against mutants," Duke said stiffly.
"Could have fooled me," the other man replied angrily, close to losing his temper. Duke finally lost his and banged his fist on the table. Why wouldn't Flint understand?
"This isn't Nazi Germany. This is the United States!" Duke yelled. Several heads in the mess hall turned to stare at them.
"You mean the same country that committed genocide against Native Americans, permitted slavery, withheld civil rights from women and minorities, and imprisoned Japanese Americans in internment camps?" Flint answered dryly. "We may be for freedom and equality Duke, but we don't have the greatest track record."
"Then what are you fighting for?" Duke answered. "If you don't believe that…"
"I'm fighting for the safety of the American citizens. I'm fighting for a day when all American citizens have the right to the laws and freedom of this land," Flint replied testily. "What are you fighting for?"
"I'm fighting for the same thing," Duke protested. "How dare you question…" he paused as Flint leaned forward and pointed a finger at his chest.
"Mutant registration is a violation of civil rights!" Flint said, his voice rising. "Or do you seriously think that Martin Luther King Jr. would agree with you?"
Duke didn't answer. The mess hall was eerily quiet as both men continued to glare angrily at the other. Finally, Flint heard his wife call him over the communications link in his ear.
"Flint, we've got a situation brewing in North Korea."
Dashiell Faireborn picked up his empty tray and sent his friend one more glare.
"Nice talking to you," he said, trying and failing to keep his voice civil. Conrad Hauser responded only with a frown.
As Flint headed back up to the command center, Duke glowered silently at what remained of his lunch. He pushed the tray away, having lost his appetite.
…………………………..
Time: 19:17 Zulu; Friday, 14:17, local time
Location: GI Joe PIT; command center
Flint was in a foul mood by the time he walked into the command center. For a moment, Lady Jaye thought it was because his late lunch had been interrupted. However, she soon realized that something else had happened once she heard him angrily muttering something about bigots and Nazis.
"What happened?" she asked. He leaned in to whisper in her ear.
"Duke," he answered. She gave him a questioning look, to which he mouthed 'I'll tell you later.'
"What's the situation?" he asked, immediately taking command. Whatever had transpired between he and Duke was pushed into the background.
"Someone else attacked Cobra and the North Koreans and has killed most of the people, except the prisoners, in the camp," she answered. Her husband listened carefully as she explained what they knew so far. Snake Eyes's team had taken Major Bludd into custody, but the ninja commando was currently battling someone in a red and black costume.
"Who is he fighting?" Flint finally asked. Firewall answered him from her post at the main computer console.
"His description matches that of a mercenary called Deadpool," she answered. Both Lady Jaye and Flint frowned, having heard the name in intelligence reports.
"What do we know about him?" the warrant officer asked.
"He apparently has the ability to heal quickly," Firewall answered. "Snake has apparently stabbed him in the heart and Stalker blew a hole in his spine, but the man won't die."
"Healing factor," Lady Jaye muttered. "Is he a mutant?" For some reason, Flint's face darkened briefly at the mention of mutant. A moment later, it was gone and he was all business again.
"Not according to our Intel, Ma'am," Firewall answered.
"Scrub the mission," Flint finally said. "Get everyone and Bludd out of there. We can interrogate him later."
…………………………………………….
Time: 19:24 Zulu; Friday (Saturday local time)
Location: Chinese/North Korean border; North Korean camp
The situation had deteriorated rather quickly. Snake Eyes ignored the bullet wound in his left bicep as he studied his adversary. The commando was frankly at a loss of what to do. The strange mercenary instantly healed from any injury, including ones that should have instantly killed him. He was an expert fighter, but he seemed to have no particular concern with defending himself if it meant he had a shot at Snake Eyes.
The ninja had seen many things in his life. Frankly, however, watching a man nonchalantly pull a shuriken out of his eye and sing "Happy Days are Here Again" was definitely one of the most disturbing.
"Come on," his loudmouthed adversary said. "I've been talking this whole fight and you've never said a word."
'Maybe because I can't?' Snake Eyes thought.
"Really? You can't talk?" the other man asked. The ninja swore silently. The mercenary was apparently telepathic.
"Nope, I just read your thoughts, it's written right there," Deadpool continued. "I'm not blind you know."
The ninja realized that he had absolutely no idea what the hell the other man meant ninety-nine percent of the time.
He pivoted on his left foot as Deadpool kicked at him. In one fluid motion the ninja continued his pivot as he swung around and hooked his right leg around the mercenary's right one, bringing him crashing to the ground. An instant later, he sliced off the other man's right arm and stabbed him through his left lung.
Deadpool coughed up blood as he looked down at his severed arm.
"Dang."
Before Snake Eyes could stop him, the mercenary grabbed his arm and pressed something on his belt. A moment later, he vanished into thin air.
"What the hell just happened?" Scarlett asked.
Snake Eyes shrugged as he motioned with his hands. It was best for them to get moving before something else happened. With Major Bludd in tow, the group headed out of the camp.
…………………..
Time: 19:41 Zulu; Friday (Saturday local time)
Location: Chinese/North Korean border; North Korean camp
Deadpool grimaced as he reattached his severed limb. He studied it for a moment before realizing that it was slightly out of alignment. Blood squirted out as he readjusted his arm and waited for it to heal.
"Gross," he muttered.
The mercenary pondered what to do. That was a nice word, he decided, pondered. He should use it more often.
Deadpool supposed that he'd better rescue Bludd. After all, payment from either the Chinese or Cobra depended upon him capturing the other mercenary alive. Besides, good old Sebastian had offered him more money than the Communist bureaucrats, as well as free grape soda.
Who could pass up free grape soda? You'd have to be insane.
He looked down at his arm. Still healing.
"Don't worry boys and girls," the mercenary hummed merrily. "You'll get another round of Silent Master versus the Merc with a Mouth."
……………………………….
Time: 19:57 Zulu; Friday (Saturday local time)
Location: Chinese/North Korean border
The team had just spotted Wild Bill's helicopter when an unwelcome surprise decided to literally pop out of thin air.
"I'm baaaack!" Deadpool sang.
"Son of a bitch," Gung Ho growled. He fired his M-16 at the mercenary. The red and black costumed lunatic nimbly dodged out of the way. Stalker and Jinx continued to lead Major Bludd towards the helicopter as Gung Ho and Scarlett took up defensive positions.
"Hey Snake Eyes, remember me?" Deadpool called out. "I shot yoooouuu!"
"Move it Snakes!" The Cajun yelled. The Marine pulled out a couple of grenades. The ninja leapt for cover as two grenades and several rounds of automatic fire rained down upon the mercenary. Moments later, however, they could still hear the man's voice above the din of weapon discharges.
"Ninja pig, Ninja pig, does whatever a ninja pig does," Deadpool sang as he sprang towards them. Sections of his costume and mask had been shredded, revealing grotesque skin beneath it.
"Can he kill you, with a sword, no he can't, yes he can. Whyyyy? Cause he's a ninja pig!!!"
"How the hell do we kill him!?" Scarlett swore. Gung Ho grimaced at her side.
"I think he's mocking you Snakes," the Marine said. The strange mercenary had decided that he liked his ninja pig song and was repeating it again.
Finally, not able to take the other man's mouth any more, Snake Eyes pulled out his side arm, aimed at Deadpool's mouth, and fired. The mercenary looked stunned as blood spurted out his mouth. He tried speaking, but only incoherent sounds and more blood came out.
Ah…blessed silence.
Deadpool was now covering his mouth in alarm, growing more distressed by his temporary inability to speak. Snake Eyes took the opportunity to slice at the other man's eyes, hoping to at least temporarily blind him. With his right hand, the ninja quickly pressed several crucial pressure points and aimed a blow at Deadpool's spine.
As an added precaution, he stabbed the mercenary through the heart before turning around and running towards his teammates.
Go! He signed. Chopper!
…………………………………..
Time: 20:05 Zulu
Location: Cobra Headquarters
Cobra Commander stood quietly as he studied the computer monitor. Tomax and Xamot shifted uneasily at his side. They had lost all contact with Major Bludd. One of the Cobra Vipers had managed to report that someone dressed in red and black was attacking the camp.
The Crimson twins looked at each other and considered whether or not to speak. They decided against it and waited patiently for orders from the Cobra leader.
"This mission needs to succeed," Cobra Commander finally said. "I can afford to lose the weapons shipment. It's our two Hydra friends that I want."
Neither man replied. Both Crimson Guardsmen knew that the Cobra leader had been working the last few years to bring the Hydra and Cobra organizations together. The two men imprisoned in the North Korean camp had been in the upper echelons of Hydra's leadership. They could prove to be of enormous benefit in integrating the two groups, with Cobra Commander at the top.
"We do not know the situation," Tomax finally ventured.
"But we should shortly," Xamot finished. "Our satellites have picked up Major Bludd's signal."
Within a minute, the twins proved to be correct. The woman at the computer console brought up the satellite image of Bludd's position and zoomed it in. Several familiar soldiers could be seen climbing into a helicopter, with Major Bludd among them.
"The Joes," Cobra Commander swore. They watched as the helicopter began to take off.
"What's that?" Tomax asked. He pointed to a red and black figure that had suddenly appeared on the screen. It looked up at the airborne machine before disappearing again.
…………………..
Time: 20:11 Zulu; Friday (Saturday local time)
Location: Chinese/North Korean border
Deadpool found that he had slightly misjudged how high he needed to teleport. The mercenary suffered the indignity of crashing face first into the side of the helicopter. He managed to grasp the helicopter's bottom railing before falling off.
"I really really need to get a grappling gun like Batman," the mercenary muttered. "He gets all the cool toys. Stupid greedy billionaire." He hung on to the railing as he pondered his next move.
"Oh yeah, wrong universe. That's DC," he said to himself. He looked up at the helicopter and managed to pull a grenade from his belt. Deadpool was about to pull the pin when he realized that he might kill Bludd, which meant no money and no grape soda.
"Dang," he swore.
He decided for a more direct and more fun approach.
Deadpool carefully pulled himself up on to the railing, trying not to fall off. He reached for the door latch and tried to open it. However, it was proving to be a difficult task while balancing on the side of a helicopter moving at full speed and already at an altitude of several hundred feet.
He finally decided to simply bang on the door. Surely someone would be curious and investigate. To his disappointment however, no one did.
"Well," he decided. "I guess I'll just wait until we land."
The door suddenly swung open to reveal an angry, red haired woman with a crossbow.
"You've got very nice thighs," Deadpool told her. "Nice rack too." Several arrows embedded themselves into his chest and the mercenary lost his balance. He fell straight down and landed on several sharp rocks. As he painfully pulled arrows out of his body and waited to heal, he pondered.
Yes, pondered was definitely a cool word.
…………………………
Author's note: Sorry, no Storm Shadow or Beach Head this chapter. On the plus side, you got a chapter full of Deadpool and Snake Eyes.
In case you didn't know, Deadpool has a small, personal teleportation device on his belt.
By the way, anyone who gets the Snidely Whiplash reference about Major Bludd's mustache gets a free cookie.
Also, a reviewer pointed out that ninja should not be plural with an s, as there is no difference between plural and singular in Japanese. However, ninja has become a foreign loanword in English. Although it is grammatically correct to use ninja (or shinobi) to refer to more than one ninja in Japanese, in it's English usage, either may be used. I will use ninjas rather ninja, as it makes more sense to an English reader.