A/N: Although it's bittersweet, we've reached the final chapter of this story. There will be an epilogue that will be posted in a few days. Thank you so much to all of you that have taken this amazing journey with me. Writing this story was a blast and making so many new friends was even better! This will most definitely not be the last you hear from me as I'm now addicted to writing fan fiction and I have several more ideas in the works. Thank you for all of the reviews, follows and favorites. I have also toyed with the idea of a sequel for this in the future, let me know if you'd be interested in that. All mistakes are my own. Hugs to all of you!
To the extremely rude guest reviewers: I've deleted your reviews and will continue to do so. If you insist on being a troll, look up the word confidence and try logging in.
Disclaimer: While you will find the very beginning of this similar to 'Always' I am in no way affiliated with Castle or it's amazing writers. I just felt the need to pay tribute to my favorite episode.
Chapter 29: Shelter Me
She only gives him a second to process what she's just said before she's pushing him backwards into the loft and attaching her lips to his. His body is stiff and frozen and he doesn't respond to the kiss, but the feeling of his lips against hers is exactly what she needs. She rests her forehead against his as she grips his shoulders, whispering the words "I'm sorry" over and over again. Time seems to stand still for several minutes as she clings to him, trying to ensure herself that this is really happening. The dream not only scared her, it's blurred her sense of reality and she's desperate the clear things up.
Suddenly he seems to snap back to reality and he pushes himself away from her, putting distance between them. He's mad, probably more so then she's ever seen him and he walks into the living room and buries his face in his hands as he plops roughly on to the couch.
She isn't sure what to do, he hasn't kicked her out, but he doesn't seem receptive to having her there either. She's still soaking wet and the chill is starting to set in as a shiver rips its way through her body. She's still contemplating her next move when suddenly he's in front of her again.
"Castle, I….."
He cuts her off before she can continue and as much as she expects his words to be harsh, they're much the opposite.
"Kate, we need to talk, but you're soaking wet and I can tell you're freezing. This is, or was, no damn it, this still is your home so go take a bath and get warmed up. I'll be out here when you are done."
She finds a slight thread of hope in what he's just said and she hesitates for a moment before turning towards the bedroom. She wants him to follow her, more than she ever has, but he doesn't and she has no one to blame but herself.
She walks slowly into the bathroom, pausing when she gets in the room to glance at herself in the mirror. She looks like hell and she feels about the same way. She's ruined everything; well everything that really matters to her and the thought of losing him is killing her. She makes it two steps towards the bathtub and the memory of making love to him in there after yet another near death experience sends her crumpling to the floor.
She doesn't even try to muffle the agonized sob as it slips past her lips and she curls her wet body into a ball letting the emotion takes over. She barely registers the sound of her name as he calls to her, doesn't hear him as he enters the bathroom and kneels down beside her. She only feels it when he gently lifts her off the floor and into his lap and in spite of the fact that the wetness of her clothes is seeping through to his, he holds her against him as she cries.
She tries to control the tears, not only because she's embarrassed to be falling apart like this, but because the last thing he should have to do is console her for the choices that she's made. She just can't stop thinking about the dream, and the way he had looked at her before he left her hospital room.
He keeps his arms wrapped tightly around her as she cries, and it's a good while before she finally pulls herself somewhat together. When all that's left are the sniffles she tries to push off his lap, but he only holds her tighter. She lifts her head to look at him and instead of anger, she only sees concern.
"Castle, I appreciate you being the sweet man that you are, but you don't have to do this, be here for me right now, my choices led us here, you did nothing wrong." She tries to push off his lap again but once again he tightens his hold on her.
"Kate, stop. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not mad, because I am, but I can't stand to see you like this. Can you please just talk to me?"
She nods her head and stops trying to get out of his lap, he shifts back against the wall and then rubs his hand up her back. "Can we start with why you're soaking wet?"
She looks down at the floor before answering him, hoping she can hold it together while she tells him about the dream. Before she can start, another shiver wracks her body and she unconsciously shifts closer to him. He shifts her suddenly out of his lap and then stands before reaching down to help her up.
"Castle, what are you doing?"
He leans over the tub and turns on the water before turning back to her. "You need to get out of these cold, wet clothes. You're probably going to be sick as it is."
She knows he's right but she doesn't want him to leave and it really wouldn't be fair of her to ask him to stay. She hesitates for a moment before reaching for her shirt and lifting it over her head. He shifts around her to grab some bath salts to add to the water and she quickly removes the rest of her wet clothing.
He nods towards the tub and she complies, slowly stepping into the steaming hot water. It feels amazing as she sinks down and she sighs as the warmness seeps through her cold limbs. She thinks he may have left at the quietness of the room, but she glances over to see him sitting on the closed toilet seat. She shifts in the tub so that she can see him while they have this conversation. "Castle, is it okay if I start at the beginning? There are some things you need to know."
He nods at her as he rests his elbows on his knees, leaning forward so that he can focus on what she's about to say.
"I know you already know this, but when I left here this morning I went to see Bracken. Karpowski let me through the line and I planted a burner phone in his pocket to get his attention. Once I had him alone I bluffed my way through convincing him that I have another file. I quoted him the numbers from the account and it worked."
She pauses for a second to make sure that he's following and he nods at her to continue.
"I made a deal with him, Castle. A deal that I will keep the file from going public as long as nothing happens to me or to anyone that I love. I know that leaving here the way that I did was selfish and keeping you in the dark is inexcusable, but my reasons for what I did were not selfish. I had to be sure that no one else is going to try to take you from me Castle, I saw you almost die once and I never want to have to relive that."
She pauses again so that he can say something if he wants to. "You're right the choice you made this morning was extremely selfish, but your reasons for doing it are understandable. I just want you to let me in Kate, let me be a part of your decisions. I'm not going to lie, I would have still tried to stop you from going, but if you would have clued me in, I would have understood why you had to do it."
She swallows back the tears that threaten to fall again and nods at him. "I'm so sorry, Castle, please know how sorry that I am. I was so focused on protecting you and myself that I did the one thing I promised myself I would stop doing. When you said you were done, and I responded with fine, it was an instinct response. No matter what happens, I never want us to be done."
He kneels down on the floor in front of her and reaches for her hand. "I'm sorry that I said that, I was angry at you for shutting me out and it was an impulsive response. I'm sorry that I didn't come after you, but when you said fine I couldn't, I could only stand there and stare at the door. I never want us to be done either."
They remain silent for a few minutes before she softly whispers his name. "Castle?"
"Yeah?"
"I know that things aren't fixed between us yet, but will you please get in here with me while I tell you the rest?"
She expects him to hesitate or possibly turn her down, but he stands and strips his clothes and climbs in with her. He sets opposite her so that he can see her while she talks and although he doesn't have to, he reaches for her hand again and then nods for her to continue.
"After I talked to Bracken I wasn't sure that coming back here was the best idea. I wanted to fix things with you, but I wanted to give us both some time to cool off, so I went back to my apartment. I decided to lie down on the bed and then I was going to write you a letter, but I fell asleep."
His eyes widen a little at her words and he can't stop from asking her, "You were going to write me a letter?"
She smiles at his question, loving when the writer side of him shows. "Yes, I was, but…."
She trails off as the darkness of the dream seeps into her memory.
"Kate, come on talk to me, what happened?"
She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them and focusing on his face, letting the reality of him sitting here with her anchor her.
"I had a dream and it was so real. I woke up in the hospital and I was the one who got shot. I kept asking for you, but everything was so different. Josh was my doctor and I was still in a relationship with him and he had kicked you out of the hospital. I'd been a coma for three months."
She has to pause before she can say the rest and he squeezes her hand for support.
"I found my phone and text you and you came to the hospital. I tried so hard to get you to remember and to fix things, but you confirmed that none of it had ever happened. I wanted you to stay with me, but you said you had to go and left. I tried to get out of the bed and chase you, but the nurses held me down and gave me a sedative and everything went black. I woke up right after that."
She looks down at the water as she continues. "I was laying in the hospital bed in the dream and I could remember everything about being with you. I remembered being at the Hamptons with you and telling you I loved you, and the first time we made love. I just couldn't accept that all of that was a dream, to have known what it was like to love you and then it all be gone."
She swipes at a tear as it falls down her cheek. "I was desperate to see you when I woke up, to confirm that none of the past few months was a dream. I grabbed my keys and ran out the door, but I was too shaken up from the dream to drive. It was pouring the rain and I tried to get a cab, but none were stopping so I just ran here."
By the time she finishes more tears are falling and she's struggling to hold herself together. "I know that I made a huge mistake Castle, but please don't give up on me, please give me a chance to make it up to you. We're safe for now and that was my sole goal all along. I want to get justice for my mother, but I will not choose it over you."
He stands and steps out of the tub, reaching back for her and helping her out. He silently dries first her and then himself off and then picks her up and carries her to the bed. He doesn't bother dressing her, just pulls the covers down and helps her under them. He crawls in beside her and turns to face her.
"As long as you are willing to fight for us, I will never give up on you, Kate. I know what that dream must have done to you because I would never want to know what it's like to have you and then wake to find it was all a dream. It was just a dream though, we're really here and we're going to be okay."
He moves so that he's hovering over her and leans down to capture her lips in a sweet, forgiving kiss. He pulls back when he feels the wetness from her tears coating his cheek. "Kate, what's wrong?"
She wraps her arms around his neck to keep him close. "I'm just so glad that I'm really here and that this is really happening."
He runs his hand tenderly down her stomach until it rests on her hip. "You're really here, and I promise this is really happening."
She wraps her leg around his waist as a smirk forms on her face. "Care to prove it to me?"
He swallows her moan as he presses her legs apart and settles between them. "I thought you'd never ask."
Several hours later they lay tangled together in a sated mess of limbs. Despite the day they had, neither has been asleep and after several rounds of love making to confirm that they are indeed very much together, they've enjoyed the silence and being with each other.
She hums as he continues to rub a knot out of her shoulder, slowly working it like he's been doing for the past several minutes. She wasn't sure if they'd make it to this point again and the fact that they have is everything to her.
She had wanted to write him a letter to say the things she's been feeling since he saved her life, but now, in the silence of their bedroom, she thinks they will mean so much more to him if she voices them aloud.
"Castle?" She speaks softly to gain his attention and he hums his answer, letting her know that he's listening.
"I need you to know that these past few months have been everything to me. When you first started following me I was a hollow shell of a person. It was like living in a fog and I was just drifting through. My mother's murder had left this sadness that constantly weaved its way through my bones. At first I didn't want you around, but truthfully it wasn't because I didn't like you, it was because you saw things in me that no one else could. You pushed and fought your way in when no one else had. You tore down my armor and you laid my walls in rubbish on the ground. When you pulled me out of that hanger you sheltered me and when you saved my life at the funeral you became my permanent shelter. You set me free and you showed me how to be myself again. So thank you, for being the one person who didn't give up on me, for loving me and being patient until I realized I loved you too and most of all for being my shelter when I needed it most."
He doesn't say anything at first just pulls her into his arms and hugs her tightly to his chest. "That means so much more to me then you will ever know, Kate. If that's what you were going to write me in your letter, it would have been sweet, but having you say the words out loud to me is so much better. Thank you for opening your heart to me. I will always be your shelter and I will always, always love you."
In the darkness of the night, she bared her heart to him, pouring out everything that he was to her, and in the silence of the moments after, he filled it back up with devotion and admiration and most of all love. In the shelter of each other's arms, they fell asleep and with the promise of a future, the final remnants of the storm dissipated.