Chapter 4
The following day, Kathryn was indeed making a study of the local flora and the geological formation of the planet, which Tom had named Hope. She had seen the hope in his eyes, but he had placed no pressure on her, he was leaving it up to her to decide if or when, she wanted to talk. She was grateful for she needed some time to come to terms, not only with her unexpected kidnapping but also with her feelings for Tom.
She knew that she missed him; missed his ability to make her laugh, missed their quiet times together, missed their chats, missed his gentleness and his passions; both in bed and his general love of life. But at the same time, she still felt the pain of his betrayal.
She sighed and shook her head, "Just what are you doing, Kathryn?" she scolded herself as she gazed at her tricorder in her hand as though she was seeing it for the first time. Why was she scanning history of an ordinary planet, when she should be talking with Tom. It wasn't like her to be so indecisive, she mused, she normally tackled things head on, not leaving her troubles to fester like a sore. She turned the tricorder off and made her way back to the flyer, where she returned it to the locker before she went looking for Tom.
And when she found him, she stopped dead in her tracks, her jaw dropped and her heart pounded in her chest. She stood in the shadows of the trees beside the rock pool at the base of the waterfall, and watched as Tom lazily swam to the far side. He pulled himself out of the water and as he stood for a moment with water dripping down his naked body, she felt her throat go dry. Although he was pale from space, the sun bathed his bare skin in a soft golden glow, and as he began to towel himself dry, she couldn't tear her eyes away from the glorious vision. She had seen him naked countless times before but not like that, so youthful, so alive, so handsome and full of virility, that it simply took her breath away.
As Tom spread his towel out on the ground and prepared to lie down to sunbathe, she began undressing without conscious thought before she lowered herself into the pool and swam over to the other side.
Tom let out a sigh of contentment, as he lay down on the towel and placed his arms under his head before he closed his eyes against the bright sunlight. There was nothing like an afternoon swim to clear the mind and refresh the body, and what better way to do that, than without the constriction of clothing. Of course, there was nothing to stop him from swimming naked in a beach side holoprogram, for he could locked the door, but it wasn't the same as being outside, on a real planet, swimming in real water.
Although he loved shipboard life and being in space, it was always wonderful to get off the ship for several days, and do nothing but relax. And since there was nothing to do on Hope, he had plenty of time to exactly that. He just hoped that Kathryn would come to relax too.
Just as he drifted into a light sleep, he heard a splash near him. He turned his head and opened one eye before he gaped as he watched Kathryn rising from the rock pool, the water dripping down her naked body. He sat up, "Kathryn," he whispered hoarsely as she knelt beside him, "What -" he didn't get any further, as she kissed him.
He let out a low groan, not believing what was happening but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth, so he raised his hand and threaded his fingers through her wet hair, and pulled her closer before he deepened their kiss.
He felt himself being pushed backwards and as he laid back on the towel, he murmured, "Must be dreaming."
She chuckled throatily, "We both are." she replied, as she leaned over him, trailing hot kisses down his neck.
He moaned as she began to tease his nipples with her lips, tongue and her nimble fingers. He had always been sensitive there but Kathryn had been the only woman who ever paid as much attention to them as he did to hers, and he often felt that he could come, just from that alone. He pulled her up and claimed her lips in a deep and hungry kiss, while his hands were busy exploring her down her back, waiting nothing more than to bury himself deep inside her but as he made to roll her over onto her back, he felt her resistance.
Instead, she pulled her lips away from his, straddled him before she proceeded to kiss and nip her way down his chest towards her target. A target that was hard and throbbing with need. He watched with darkened eyes, as she made her way down, getting closer to his aching cock and just when he thought she would take him, she moved passed it and nipped gently at his inner thighs, sending a hot surge of arousal through him. He groaned aloud as he laid back, his eyes closed, "Stop teasing." he growled in frustration.
He heard her chuckle once more, and he couldn't help but give a lopsided grin. God, how he loved that sexy laugh, he mused to himself, it always sent hot shivers down his spine. Then, all rational thought vanished from his mind, as she finally found her target, and he gave himself over to the sensations she was creating within him.
He soon felt the familiar tightening in his groin but he didn't want it to happen that way, so he struggled to sit up, "Katie...stop." he whispered hoarsely before he pulled her up and kissed her hungrily. He gently rolled her over onto her back and settled between her legs, "You're so beautiful, Katie, my Katie." he whispered as he trailed his lips down her throat, and lower to her breasts with their rosy nipples.
She groaned and arched her back, as he began to feast upon her breasts, teasing first one nipple and then the other with his lips and tongue. Her fingers threaded through his still slightly damp hair, before trailing down over his shoulders and lower down his back, as she shifted beneath him for better penetration.
He raised his head at her actions and gazed into her burning eyes, "Katie, don't you want me to..."
She shook her head, "I need you, now." she replied huskily.
He groaned, as he thrust forward and entered her before he stilled for a moment, trying hard to control himself; it had been over three months since they last made love, and it was all he could do, not to take her hard and fast.
However she had other ideas, "Its okay, Tom, don't hold back." she murmured causing him to groan in her ear.
He knew he wasn't going to last long; he was too close to the edge, and it seemed so was she, as she wrapped her legs over his thighs, her hands gripping his back, matching her movements to his and her soft moans of pleasure drove him crazy with need. But despite his great need, he wanted his Katie to come first, so he reached down between and his fingers instinctively found her swollen clitoris.
"Let go, Katie." he whispered hotly in her ear, as he tweaked her swollen flesh.
And it was as though she had been waiting for those exact words, as Kathryn plunged headlong over the abyss, her pleasure ripped through her slender frame, with Tom's name torn from her throat.
He followed seconds later, into his own pleasurable bliss.
Several hours later, Tom woke, feeling wonderfully sated and contented, for the first time in months, "Katie." he murmured, as he rolled over, feeling the soft ground beneath the towel under him. All he wanted, was to hold her in his arms, to feel the beat of her heart against his chest.
When he didn't get a reply, he opened his eyes, blinked in the late afternoon sunlight, "Katie?"
He sat up and looked around but she was nowhere to be seen, "Oh Kathryn, you didn't have to leave." he muttered, a little disappointed. He had hoped that she would be there when he woke; it was one of those things he always liked to do, to wake up together. Call it a little quirk of his, but Kathryn never seemed to mind it. In fact, she enjoyed the intimacy as much as he did, except of course, when duty interfered.
But not this time, she had left him sleeping. They had made love a second time by the waterfall, as a confirmation of their love for each other but he knew there was still a large obstacle between them; they needed to talk honestly about what had happened with the Monean's world and his disobedience of her orders.
He sighed, as he stood up, picked up his clothes and dressed before he made his way back to their campsite. He just hoped it hadn't been a goodbye sex, instead of make up sex. He made it back to the delta flyer but she wasn't there either, worriedly he checked the scanners in the flyer and was relieved that she wasn't too far away and her vital signs were normal, "I guess she needs some time to herself." he muttered as he powered down the control panel.
Later that evening, after they had eaten their dinner, Kathryn and Tom sat around the small camp fire he had built, both staring into the flames, each wondering how to break the awkward silence that had grown between them.
Tom cleared his throat, he knew it was up to him to start, for he had been the one who had started it all, "Kathryn, I'm sorry for disobeying your orders. I never meant to hurt you." he stated quietly.
For a moment she was silent, "You not only hurt me Tom, but you betrayed me," she replied, "I felt betrayed, not only as your captain but as your partner. You forced me to fire on you, with your actions. You gave me no other option but to choose the ship ahead of you. This was the main reason why I had doubts about forming a relationship with someone under my command. No captain should ever be placed in that position, where they would have to shoot down their own lover because he disobeyed orders."
He felt tears burn his eyes, at the pain, the anger in her voice; pain that he had created, "I'm sorry Kathryn, I don't know what to say. Except that I wasn't doing it against you but for Riga's people."
"That doesn't make it any better."
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, "I guess not." he replied.
He took a deep breath, "When Harry visited me in the brig, he told me a few home truths about my relationship with my father. Truths that hurt at the time but it made me think about a lot of things," he paused as he glanced at Kathryn, "I know my father was a mentor to you but to me, he was no father. I only have a few happy memories of him but mostly all I remember was his constant put downs. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. If I scored ninety five percent on a test, he wouldn't congratulate me, like other fathers would, but would demand to know what happened to the other five percent. Told me that I obviously didn't study hard enough," he shook his head. "I had this model ship, an old clipper ship that I loved to play with, imagining myself as a sailor, chasing down white whales, fighting off pirates but he thought that I should be studying, instead of playing. I was only nine years old, an age where boys should be playing games, having grand adventures, not worrying about studies."
Kathryn's heart went out to him, "I'm sorry, Tom, I wish you had a better childhood." she whispered. Her own father had been full of encouragement, full of support and love.
He swallowed hard, "So do I," he replied, "I don't know how many times I cried as a boy, when all I wanted was his love, his approval. But in the end, I stopped caring. I tuned out his sermons, his put downs. I joined Starfleet, just to get him off my back," he paused for a moment, "And then came Caldik Prime."
She gazed at him, fully aware of just how much he was opening up to her. She was seeing a side to him that she rarely saw, a side that he kept locked away from everyone and everything, so he wouldn't be hurt, "Why do you think you came forward and admitted to what had happened?"
"You mean, why did I confess, even though I was cleared of any wrong doing and free to go about my life?" he paused, as he gazed down at his hands, "Guilt. It's all about the guilt I felt when I saw the grief the families were going through. Yet, at the same time, my father was being supportive of me for the first time in my life. I finally get his approval, his attention but it was at the expense of those three officers and their families. I couldn't life with that guilt. And then of course, with that admission and my being cashiered out of Starfleet, I saw and heard my father's disapproval again. It brought back all those feelings I had as a boy, and I thought, well if he doesn't care, then I don't either. Basically I became what he always feared I would. A no hoper."
She frowned slightly, "Surely you don't see yourself like that anymore, because I don't. In fact, I'm proud of the way you've changed your life around."
He gave her a crooked smile, "Even after what happened," he replied, "You're right though, I don't see myself like that anymore. I've changed and changed for the better. I like what I've become, I like my life on Voyager. It feels like home to me," he paused for a moment, then continued, "I didn't tell you this to excuse what I had done but I wanted to try and explain why I did it. All my life I never felt strongly about anything, except perhaps wanting to join the Federation Naval Patrol. But even then, I gave up my dreams for him.
And then came that amazing ball of water floating in space. It was like all my childhood fantasises had come true and when the news came through that it would be lost within five years, I just couldn't stand by and do nothing. I just couldn't let them destroy such a astonishing feat of engineering. It made me feel sad and angry at the same time. Perhaps it was some kind of redemption, some kind of validation of my own life, of fixing the mistakes that I've made in life, I just don't know but it became very important to me, in a way I neither thought possible."
"I can understand your anger and sadness over it, in fact, I felt it too. But was it more important than us, Tom?" she asked quietly.
Tom took a moment to answer, as he weighed up the need to be completely truthful or to sugar coat it. But he decided to be truthful, "Yes, Kathryn, it was more important," he replied, "I knew what it would mean to you, to us. I knew I was forcing you to choose between the ship and myself, forced you to fire on me. It wasn't something I did on a whim, I knew I was risking everything; your respect, your love, my life."
"And yet you did it anyway," she said, "If you had the chance, would you do it again?"
"Yes, I would," he replied immediately, "Kathryn, you can't control every little aspect of our lives. You can't control how I feel or act. You just have to trust me to know what is right."
She snorted, "You think this is about control?"
He shrugged, "Perhaps it is," he replied, "Perhaps you should let go of that control, once in a while."
"If I do, then people die." she said, her voice cracked with her emotions. The conversation was becoming too hard for her, bringing up long buried memories. Her sister had told her once about her need to control things and it had ended in a fight between them.
Tom gazed at her, "What happened?" he asked kindly.
She closed her eyes against the hot tears that threatened to fall, "You know that my father died sixteen years ago, while tested out a new prototype ship on Tau Ceti Prime." she said, as she opened her eyes.
Tom nodded, "Yes, you told me about it." he replied.
"Well, not all of it," she said, "There was someone else who died, Lieutenant Justin Tighe, my fiancé."
"Oh my god," Tom muttered as he moved closer to her, "I'm sorry, Kathryn, I didn't know you were engaged before Mark."
She nodded, "We were only newly engaged, planning to marry later that year," she replied, as she gazed at the young man beside her, "In some ways, you remind me of Justin. Impulsive, brave, brash, handsome, and he made me laugh. He was my first real love, not that I didn't have boyfriends before him, I did but he was the first man I saw myself growing old with."
He reached out and held her hand, "He sounded like a good man."
She squeezed his hand, "He was, in more ways than one." she replied, "I was with Justin and my father, in the shuttle craft. I was there when it crashed and I was there when both the men I loved, died. I couldn't get to them, I tried and tried to break through and I hadn't even realised that my leg was broken. I was trying to control my grief, trying to control the situation and get to them. But...but...I couldn't." she stopped as she bowed her head and let her tears fall.
Tom placed his arm around and pulled her against him, rocking her gently, trying to sooth her, "Let go, Katie, let it out." he whispered.
For a long moment, Kathryn took the comfort he was giving her before she pulled back, "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me," she said, as she wiped her tears away, "It happened so long ago."
"That maybe but you lost so much. Your father, the man you loved," he replied, "I don't know you coped with that."
She shook her head, "Actually, I didn't cope at all," she replied, "I became clinically depressed, spent months at home until one day, my sister came and dragged me out of bed, yelling at me, telling me to grow up. And this coming from a younger sister, at that." she added with a small smile of remembrance.
He smiled softly, "Well, it obviously worked, considering you're here, as a captain."
She chuckled, "Yeah, you could say that," she replied, "And it was your father, who helped me back to active duty." she added quietly, "I know what you think of him, but I do see him differently than you do. It doesn't mean your feelings are any less valid."
"I know." he replied as he reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear, "And then you helped out his son from prison. Was that the reason why you did?" he asked, as he dropped his hand.
She held her breath as she gazed into his blue eyes, felt the pull of her love, "Only a small part," she replied, "Mostly because when I read your file, I saw something in there, to make me believe there was more to you than just being an admiral's son."
He sighed, "You gave me a chance where no one else would. And then I destroyed it," he paused for a moment, "Have I destroyed it?"
She shook her head, "You haven't destroyed it but you have damaged it," she replied, "It may take time to repair." she added.
Hope flared in his eyes, "But is it repairable?"
She reached out and caressed his face, felt the first rough stubble of hair that was starting to come through on his face, "I believe so but nothing like this can happen again between us. I could not face it again."
He nodded, "I know and I agree," he replied, "I love you Kathryn."
She melted at the love coming from him, she knew she was on her way to forgiving him, "I know you do." she replied. She wasn't ready, yet, to say those words back to him, "Would you like to hear a story about your father, one that you wouldn't have heard?" she asked.
Tom didn't mind the way she deflected their talk of love. He knew that she did love him and it would only be a matter of time before they would get back together, "I would love to hear a story about the old man," he replied with a smile, "As long as it also includes a certain young officer named Janeway." he added.
Kathryn chuckled, "I should have known you were going to say that," she replied, as she settled back against the log they were leaning against, "Well, there was this one time when your father..."