Sorry this is late! Thank you so much to my kind reviewer, and all of you who favorited it or put it on alert, it meant a lot to me.
And thank you to my sister who should have smoothed out all the spelling and grammar issues in the last chapter- any remaining are intentional. If there are any in this chapter I'll set her on the case again (I love my sister!)
Warning: mentions of homophobia and contemplated suicide.
So here is the next chapter:
Enjoy
This was the third time they had played cards, Seb noted. They didn't do anything else, though Seb could tell it was a possibility between them. If it had simply been the chance of a casual affair, Seb had no doubt that it would have started two weeks ago, when Seb had made his first offer of 'cards'. What he really needed, what they both needed, was a friend. Someone to confide in, perhaps even someone to love. They mainly sat in companionable silence, only talking when necessary. Beneath all his bitterness and false grandeur, Thomas was a broken, insecure man. Thomas's mean streak was just a mask to establish some sort of power and distance against people who could potentially hurt him. O'Brien, Seb could see, had exploited this to the full, Thomas had lapped up the first chance of friendship, from a seemingly kindred spirit, and had only ended friendless and corrupted. Seb hoped this would change. He hoped this new alliance would benefit the both of them. Although Seb hadn't been corrupted as Thomas had, he had been sufficiently damaged to reject human company- though unlike Thomas he did this quietly and politely enough to make the least amour of impression on people. He was terrified of human nature and what it could do. He had lived in his own head so long that ordinary people alienated him. On the outside he did not really live, but exist. He had been told, once, when looked in the eye, that there was no life in them. That he looked dead inside. His confidence when talking to Thomas that time 2 weeks ago had been as false as his smiles around the rest of the staff. It left him shattered. He longed for it to be real.
"3 kings" Seb muttered, placing down 2 kings and a jack. 'Cheat was by far the best game for the two of them to play as it enabled them to perfect poker faces. And because poker wasn't as fun with two.
"2 kings" Thomas responded in kind, though he looked nervous. Seb couldn't help but feel a clenching in the pit of his stomach at that one look. It was uncharacteristic of the under butler.
"2 aces"
"3 aces"
"cheat" Seb called, looking up at Thomas from under his eyelashes, as he checked the last few cards. 2 jacks and 3 10's. He wondered what was bothering his friend, he had never let his mask slip in a game before. As Thomas collected the stack of cards in front of them, and added them to his own hand, Seb played his ace, both metaphorically and literally.
"What's bothering you?" Seb enquiries, as the ace of spades stared up at them from the centre of Seb's workman's bench.
"Nothing" Thomas was still sorting his cards.
"I bother you, is that it?" Seb was defaulted to think that people hated him, it no longer hurt as it should.
Thomas was battling inwardly with himself, Seb could see. It made his skin crawl.
Seb sat in silence, watching his friend rage war with himself. Whatever was bothering the taller man would come to light in due time. He laid down his hand and let the man in front of him become a subject to scrutiny. As his eyed roamed over Thomas his stony heart both fluttered and became lead in the same instance. It did not seem right that men like Mr Barrow and himself had to hide their attraction.
"What were you in prison for?" Seb had forgotten that, in his moment of madness, he had told Thomas...that. It caught him quite off guard.
"Is that all you want to know?" He stalled. He really didn't want Thomas to know what they did to men like the two of them on prison. He didn't fancy reliving it himself really.
"That and why them upstairs let you work here?"
Seb sighed and sucked in his cheeks, wishing he could smoke, but, at the same time, heading his own previous warning about petrol and knowing they would need the privacy of the garage to tell the story.
"I...fell in love." He looked into Thomas's eyes and saw that he understood, encouraged by this he went on, "he was beautiful, it felt right, but of course it went wrong. They caught me, he... got away. He left me there, in there with those... animals." Seb swallowed and carried on, this time answering the second question.
"They don't know, 'cause I'm not stupid enough to tell them. It's not on my character references. Before the war I couldn't even drive, I waited at restaurants, did bar work in between... that place and the war, which gave me good enough references and ... before I was a footman. It didn't seem relevant so I didn't mention it. I went to war, drove an ambulance, now i drive a posh car. It's all that matters to them."
His tone had taken a bitter edge, which Thomas didn't like. It had seemed like Seb had finished, the words too painful force out, but yet another torrent of bitterness spewed out:
"In there they... break you. They stop your will to live. They try and change you. Once they know what your inside for, your a dead man walking. If i weren't such a coward... All those times in the war I held a gun and wished I had the guts to... I ended up hating who I was, just cause I loved"
The last statement was so quiet, it felt far too private for Thomas to have heard. It felt like he was intruding on an intimate moment.
Seb was biting his lip so hard it bled, he knew he was wrong- how he was supposed to be sick and perverted - but he never truly felt that way. To him it was the right way and he simultaneously hated the rest of the world and himself, for just being. Himself for existing and the rest of the world for acting like they were 'right' the whole damn time.
He could feel himself physically shaking and, as the panic sets in, he finds himself feeling it hard to breath. He'd never told anyone before. He knew, as the images of his fellow inmates flashed before his eyes as once again subjected to their torture, that what he was experiencing was some form of shell shock. Though this shell shock wax from from his time in prison and likewise painful excursions, not from the war like many men his age.
A hand lay to rest on his heaving shoulder and another rubbed circles on his back, as a familiar voice told him to keep breathing. Seb focused soley on that voice, trying to keep the dizziness at bay. As his vision returned to him, he saw that Thomas had joined him on the bench, a worried expression etched on his face. A warm feeling in his stomach swirled at the thought that someone actually cared for him, squashing the paranoid voice in the corner of his mind that told him that there was probably a material reason for this kindness. He had been used before, but not now.
As Seb's breathing steadied, he could see Thomas readying himself for retreave both of his hands. Seb didn't want them to go, he liked Thomas's touch. It thrilled him, yet terrified at the same time. Seb felt the warmth drain away from his back and shoulder as Thomas removed his hands, and, although Seb missed them almost immediately, the timing couldn't have been more fortunate, as footsteps were heard advancing nearer the door from across the yard.
Within a blink of an eye, Thomas was back on his side of the table and Seb wiped his eyes to remove any stray tears. Looking up to meet Thomas's gaze, for the minute moment before they were interrupted, Seb saw the faint tinge of a blush staining the under butlers cheek and, perhaps, a hint of hope in the otherwise cold eyes.
As Thomas followed Ivy down to Mr Carson's study, for a briefing on next weeks dinner party with Lady such-and-such, he couldn't help but wonder what would have occurred if that confounded maid hadn't stumbled in.
Voila!
If you don't know how to play cheat, I suggest you look it up as there are many different versions and I just used the one I was taught. Also it generally goes by a different name, but in an attempt to keep this chapter clean I'm not going to name it.
Those who review get a virtual hug from Seb!
MissGracieKathy